Gender Preference?

[Gabriela&Chris]

This is a very timely topic since we also specified a preferance on the gender box.

It seems to me that specifying your preference isn't so much the problem as backing out of a match is.

If you match with a birthmom who has specified a gender by a sono and at the hospital "surprize!" the opposite gender arrives, I cannot imagine backing out of that match and leaving the birthmom and her baby behind. Throughout our adoption journey, faith has played such an important role and you have to believe in His plan. Once we decided to match with a birthmom, her baby (whether boy or girl), would be in our heart. So if we are surprized at the birth then it must be Gods' will and who can argue with that!

Elizabeth, maybe the policy could be that when you agree to match with a birthmom that you will not undo the match due to gender. If an adoptive family can not honestly make that kind of commitment then they will know they'll have to wait until they are chosen for a BOG case.

That's my two cents,

Gabriela

Edited June 6, 2006 by Gabriela&Chris

[linlacor]

I thought of another suggestion although I'm not sure how it would work either but here goes....

For families who have specified a very strong gender preference, (i.e. they are not willing to consider adopting any other gender - therefore are not really eligible to match with an expectant mother) - what if their profiles are made available to BOG birthmothers but only after all other profiles have also been shown to the birthmother and she has not found a family with which to match (either due to other preferences on the part of the prospective adoptive couples (race, drug exposure, legal risk, medical/legal fees, etc) or due to the birthmother's preferences (i.e. she just doesn't see any profiles she feels a connection with)?

Ultimately though, you and Gabriela make a very relevant point that it's not really the gender that poses the biggest problem, it's how a family handles a surprise and so as Gabriela points out, if prospective parent(s) are open to "going with the flow" either way, then I think stating a preference really doesn't present a problem (although I'm thinking your original post/question was more to do with those couples who aren't as flexible???

Anyway, just some additional thoughts I had.

Lisa

[ElizabethAnn]

I keep wrestling with this issue, because Abrazo recently lost the opportunity to work with some beloved would-be againers over it... and poor Angela bears the brunt of it, since I sit in her office endlessly to talk it out, in a hopeless quest to make some sense of it.

It never used to bother me the way it does now. In the early years of Abrazo, we let adoptive parents state their wishes and proceed accordingly, and if a birthmom and baby got left at the hospital like a bride at the altar, we just waltzed in with new profiles, offered words of consolation and said "Here! Choose another!" But the truth is, that didn't serve the best interests of those babies, nor their parents (birth or adoptive). Or did it?

And I guess "best interests" is what it really comes down to, for me. Is it in the best interests of a child to be refused the home his/her birthmom most wants for him/her merely because of gender?

(But then, there are plenty of kids out there whose best interests are denied because of their skin color, or their age, or a myriad of other "objectionable" features...)

Is it in the best interests of a child to NOT join a home if his/her gender is the opposite of what a parent truly wanted, in their heart of hearts? (I hope not; otherwise my second son is in the wrong place, and much as I hoped for a girl, he turned out to be just as great a blessing in my life. Obviously, God knew better, because a girl would've been burdened with my hereditary cancer genes.)

But if I were to adopt now (and I do think about it on random days); I would want a daughter.

Perhaps it's the hypocrisy that's eating me. Should we deny adopting parents the choices we ourselves we would want? Or create "designer options" for them that other parents wouldn't have? We like to believe that Abrazo is governed solely by the best interests of children, yet try as we might, so many other factors influence what we can do and how we go about it...

I don't know what the answers are, but I'm very thankful for everyone's perspectives, and your efforts here to help us find resolution-- for the love of children.

[linlacor]

(But then, there are plenty of kids out there whose best interests are denied because of their skin color, or their age, or a myriad of other "objectionable" features...)

45619[/snapback]

I have thought about this a great deal as well - being a birthmother who had "more than one possibility" with regards to my birth-daughter's father (ugh - I still hate to admit that one - guess that's why it took me 17 years before I was ready to tell anyone this...not even my birthdaughter knows at this point, the topic of birthfather was about the only thing I omitted from the letter I recently wrote her) - I know how "easy" it is to give birth to an ethnicity other than what you've told everyone (because it is so embarassing to admit that you weren't monogomous and easier to just pray you were right in your calculations)....I do think this is a little bit different than the gender thing though because if a couple who is only open to a full Anglo baby, matches with a birthmother who has said she is going to deliver a full Anglo baby and then, the baby is born and it obviously isn't a full Anglo baby - then, there was a breach of trust already from the adoptive parents perspective (believe me...a lot, a lot, a lot of thought goes into those other boxes ticked concerning ethnicity - at least it did for us and to suddenly be faced with something we would completely be unprepared for, well, I just have no idea how we'd react - I would like to think we would go with the flow and not turn our backs on the child but I guess noone ever knows how they would react in a situation unless you're faced with it (I learned that when I found out I was pregnant the first time, I never imagined I'd place a baby for adoption until I actually stepped into those shoes). But - again, it comes back to the best interests of the child - the innocent child has done nothing other than be born and be in need of a accepting, unconditional loving home - so, for those parents who just can't find it in their hearts to be more open minded on ethnicity - what do you do about that (I know - this is an entirely different subject but as I've tried to make sense of the gender thing - this is definitely something I've thought of).

Noone ever said Adoption was easy and it just introduces so many other variables that people who can just get pregnant never have to consider or worry about. Drug exposure is another thing - if there are families who are not comfortable with a drug exposed baby and a birthmother has not been truthful about her pre-natal experiences and a baby is born and tests positive for drug exposure, not sure if anyone has ever walked away like that, I wouldn't think so??? But then, we're comfortable with drug exposure so it's hard for me to relate to anyone who isn't (just as it's hard for others to relate to us in our gender thing).

But anyway - I think you just have to decide on this issue what you feel is right in your own values and heart and base the policy on that - because whatever you believe in will be much easier to stick to and counsel/educate than doing something that isn't in your heart. You could have decided that Abrazo would work with couples who are only comfortable with Semi-Open adoptions based on the same argument (is it right to deny a child a home just because of parental beliefs?) but you believed that Open adoption was the only way to go and you have built the most amazing agency who do such an outstanding job of advocating on behalf of open adoption - think of all the people who came to you sort of on the fence with open adoption and yet now, they are some of the most vocal supporters of open adoption and its benefits - had they fallen into the hands of an agency who isn't so committed to open adoption, they would have never known how strongly they truly feel about open adoption - or, if y'all wouldn't have been so diligent about preaching open adoption, these people would have never known otherwise and we wouldn't be as far along in the open adoption movement. The great thing about being "the boss" is you get to call the shots (well, with the support & input of your Board I hope ) So, as hard as it is to "lose" beloved clients - that just goes with the territory and anyway, I don't think you guys ever lose a client - just because all of a family's babies aren't Abrazo babies doesn't mean they're ostracized from the Abrazo family....but anyway, as with anything - I think going with your instinct/heart is always the best way to go - it's worked for us (so far).

-Lisa

[linlacor]

Yahoo! I finally found a link to the Adoptive Families magazine article called Daughters in Demand, I have been searching high and low for it and thank goodness for Google!

This was in the April 2006 edition of Adoptive Families magazine and the article outlines (an excellent job I might add) the big debate of gender preference in the adoption community (and this is what led me to the conclusion that the only way this debate will be resolved is if more agencies not allow/support gender preference):

"Given a choice, many parents prefer to adopt girls. But should parents be allowed to select their child's sex? And how does the desire for daughters affect the adoption community - and the children themselves?" By Lisa Milbrand

And in case the link breaks, I'm including the text below, quoted from Adoptive Families magazine - it is just too relevant to this discussion to exclude.

Daughters in Demand

Given a choice, many parents prefer to adopt girls. But should parents be allowed to select their child’s sex? And how does the desire for daughters affect the adoption community—and the children themselves?

by Lisa Milbrand

The road to adoption is full of decisions: International or domestic? Agency or attorney? Baby or waiting child? Same race or different race? And many adoptive parents-to-be make another decision: They want to choose the sex of their new child. And overwhelmingly, if given the opportunity, prospective adoptive parents choose girls. “About 80 percent of prospective parents will choose a girl,” says Susan Myers, director of the Lutheran Adoption Network.

There are dozens of reasons given for this preference, in combinations unique to each family. Sometimes, they already have sons, and want to have the experience of raising a daughter; or they already have daughters, and would feel most comfortable with another girl. “As the parent of two boys, we are thrilled about the option of having a daughter in our family,” says Susan Schmidt. “If we were not able to choose the gender, I am not sure I would have gone down this road.” Some families believe that a daughter will be easier to raise than a son, and more likely to be cuddly than a “rough-and-tumble” boy. And for single mothers, who overwhelmingly choose girls, it often comes down to the lack of a male role model for their child. “I chose to adopt a girl,” says Kim Gold. “I know that I will not always be able to help her or even understand her, but I can at least relate. Without male role models, I didn’t feel it was fair to adopt a boy.”

GIRL TALK

Adoption Professionals on Gender Choice:

"It’s amazing that adoptive parents are floored when they learn that most people want girls, even though they’re sitting right in front of me, asking for a girl.”

“Very often, it’s the woman who’s driving the process to adopt, and so that may affect the desire for a girl.”

“Adoptive parents seem to think that a girl will be sweet, help bake cookies, like to dress up. Gender stereotypes are alive and well when it comes to adopting families.”

“Adoption needs to be about finding families for children, not children for families. Our guiding tenet should be: What needs does the child have and how can we meet them?”

“Anyone who is interested in being a parent is usually able to happily raise either a boy or a girl, even if they start out feeling otherwise.”

“It’s frustrating to us when so many of our families insist on girls, because that means wonderful boys wait months or years to find a home.”

But the requests for a girl create a quandary for the attorneys and agencies who facilitate adoptions. They want to respect the adoptive parents’ wishes, but they also want to find good homes for thousands of children waiting for families in the U.S. and around the world. And the desire for daughters has led to a situation where healthy boys often wait much longer to find families—or miss the opportunity entirely—while healthy girls are in short supply. “Agencies and orphanages end up with so many little boys waiting and waiting, with nothing wrong except they weren’t born female,” Myers says.

Domestic Adoption: A Difficult Issue

In the U.S., where most adoptive parents are matched with a birthmother before the child’s birth, and the relationship that develops is paramount, requesting a girl can be problematic, at best. Most adoption attorneys and agencies will not accommodate a gender preference. “I’m always taken aback by that request,” says Peter Wiernicki, an adoption attorney in Rockville, Maryland. “You don’t get to choose biologically, and I think it’s fraught with problems in domestic adoption. You have to be honest and build a relationship with the birthparents who are looking to place their child with you, and a sex preference can hinder that. It takes an already challenging process and makes it even more challenging.”

Many agencies agree, and refuse to entertain gender requests from parents. “You cannot go to a birthmother and say, ‘So-and-so will adopt your baby as long as it’s a girl,’” says Jane Page, director of adoption services for The Cradle, in Evanston, Illinois. “In open adoptions, you cannot allow for gender preference. Most families are fine with that.”

But there are some adoption professionals who are willing to honor a gender preference. “I ask clients who say they want a particular sex if that’s a mandate or a preference,” says adoption attorney Diane Michelsen of Lafayette, California, who estimates that about 15 percent of her clientele come in wanting a particular sex. “If it’s a mandate, this isn’t the right vehicle.” She steers the clients who want a guarantee toward international adoption or to one of the handful of lawyers who work with clients who insist on a boy or a girl.

For those willing at least to consider a child of either sex, she will show their information only to birthmothers who have had an ultrasound or sonogram that indicates that the child is the sex they wanted. This usually results in a longer wait—and a surprise if the prenatal information was incorrect. But Michelsen has had only one family back out because of the child’s sex in 26 years of practicing adoption law. “This is a hard issue,” Michelsen says. “I don’t feel that I can fault someone for their feelings. But birthparents want to connect and be comfortable with the family, and it’s very hard if they connect with a family who won’t raise the baby.”

GIRL TALK

Adoptive mothers on gender choice:

“Allowing parents to choose the child that best fits their family situation is best for everyone—child and family. Biology didn’t allow us to bear children, so why shouldn’t we get a choice that bio parents lack, to kind of even the score?”

“For us, stating a gender preference gave us back a small sense of the control that was lost as we endured years of infertility. After grieving the losses of our pregnancies, it was healing to build a new dream for a family, and to fulfill it with children who matched our mental images.”

“We chose to adopt from China because of the likelihood of getting a daughter. I adore all the girlie things about my daughter—dressing up in her princess costumes, playing hairdresser, dancing, having chatty conversations, getting lots of hugs and kisses. And I’ll cherish doing ‘older girl’ activities with her, too.”

“Since we adopted domestically, we felt like we shouldn’t be able to choose the gender, just as we wouldn’t if we had given birth to a biological child. We’ve heard of too many cases where the sonograms were incorrect, and the child was a different sex. If our birthmother thought that we’d only want to raise a girl and she gave birth to a boy, would she have felt like she could no longer place her child with us because she didn’t have the daughter that we really wanted?”

Bethany Christian Services, a network of adoption agencies based in Grand Rapids, Michigan, allows some gender preference in domestic adoptions. If parents insist on a girl, their profile is shown only to birthmothers who have already given birth or who have a clear ultrasound. “We try to accommodate their wishes if it’s a strong preference, but we encourage the families to assess their motivation,” says Kris Faasse, the national adoption consultant for Bethany. “Many birthmothers don’t want to consider a family with a strong preference. A birthmother doesn’t want her child to be someone’s ‘second choice.’”

International Adoption: The Right to Choose

In the international adoption process, where parents are matched with waiting children, it’s easier to consider requests regarding sex, health, or other characteristics, depending on the policies of a particular country. In fact, Korea is the only country with a major international adoption program that doesn’t allow gender requests for childless couples. But that doesn’t mean that adoption professionals agree with the idea of sex selection—or that they allow their clients to make that choice. “Adoption should be primarily about finding homes for children who need homes, not about fulfilling requirements that parents have,” says Vicki Peterson, director of Wide Horizons Adoption Agency in Waltham, Massachusetts, which has a policy not to allow childless parents to request a specific sex from any country but China. “When a family is adamant about the child’s sex, you have to wonder what’s motivating that,” says Bruce Mossburg, director of adoptions for international services at Bethany Christian Services, which does allow parents to express a gender preference when a country allows it. “You have to wonder about their rigidity.”

In many countries that allow parents to request their child’s sex, including Guatemala and Russia, the wait increases considerably if you request a healthy infant girl—often to double the wait for a healthy infant or toddler boy, according to agency estimates. But many families will wait as long as it takes, even passing up the immediate referral of a baby boy.

Many agencies we spoke with tried to steer parents who were adamant about a daughter into their China programs, since about 95 percent of referrals from China are for infant or toddler girls. “It’s clear that if you only want a girl, the China program is the best choice,” says Lisa Vertulfo, Holt International’s senior executive for the U.S. region. “If somebody doesn’t want to change, it’s a bad idea to force them into parenting a boy.”

The Consequences

The demand for daughters means more than longer waits for adoptive parents. For many young boys around the world, it means spending years—or even entire childhoods—in orphanages or foster care. “It’s really sad that being male is a handicapping condition,” says Becky Steeber, adoption and social work supervisor for Children’s Home Society and Family Services in St. Paul, Minnesota.

“If it was just about parents getting a preference, it might not matter so much, but this really affects children,” Mary Ann Curran, director of social services at WACAP, says. “It makes the wait dramatically longer for boys. You see little boys waiting for homes who shouldn’t have to wait, and families cheating themselves out of getting a child sooner.”

Even after expressing a preference for a daughter, some families find themselves getting something unexpected—the referral of a boy. As many of the families in this situation have discovered, while they may initially have wanted a daughter, they’re extremely happy to have a son. “We really wanted a girl and knew that, by choosing China, we would be assured one,” says Barb Ridenour. “But as fate would have it, our agency had three boy placements, and ours was the third. Once we had the referral, there was a little boy waiting for us, and we loved him so much. Having a girl seemed much less important than adopting this child.”

Lisa Milbrand is the editor of Adoptive Families magazine. She recently adopted her daughter, Katie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Average Wait* Times in International Adoption

Boys Girls

China ----  8-10 months 

Russia 0-6 months 6-18 months 

Guatemala 0-4 months 4-10 months

Korea 5-6 months 8-12 months

Kazakhstan 0-4 months 6-12 months

Source: Jan. 2006 interviews with adoption agencies (excludes special-needs referrals). *from dossier completion to referral.

[linlacor]

woo hoo!!! Adoptive Families magazine just rocks!!! (almost as much as the Abrazo forum!)

So, they also have a link where you can post comments/letters to them and they'll publish the "best" ones. And...they have a link where you can read the "best" comments.

Here are the 2 links:

Weighing in on the gender preference debate.....

Adoptive Families Magazine Reader Responses to the gender debate

-Lisa

[ElizabethAnn]

Click here for a fascinating read on Gender Preferences in Adoption. An abbreviated copy of the text appears below, in case the original link to www.slate.com goes bad:

Bringing Up Babes:

Why do adoptive parents prefer girls?

By John Gravois

Updated Friday, Jan. 16, 2004, at 11:52 AM ET

In an October Slate column, Steven E. Landsburg deduced from an array of data that parents, on average, prefer sons over daughters. His evidence lay in a few recent studies that show that daughters have a slight but marked tendency to break up (or else forestall) marriages while sons tend to keep them together. But it turns out there's a fascinating fork in the statistical trail of bread crumbs.

For years, it's been common currency in adoption circles that girls are far more popular than boys among adoptive parents. Now there's data to confirm it, which has prompted another round of speculation about gender preference among parents, an issue that is bound to rouse more interest, and concern, as the era of assisted reproduction progresses.

This past August, the Census Bureau released an unprecedented report comparing adopted, biological, and stepchildren based on results from the 2000 Census, amazingly, the first census to differentiate between these groups. First of all, the report found that there are about 105 boys for every 100 girls in the general population of biological children under the age of 18. Adopted children, it turns out, present a very different picture, with a "sex ratio" the sociologists' term of 89 boys for every 100 girls. What's more, adopted children under the age of 6 constitute a group where there only are 85 boys for every 100 girls. (The Census Bureau reports that stepchildren, a sizable population whose sex ratio is closer to the norm, are usually adopted at later ages than orphans are. Hence the under-6 drop-off.)

Unlike biological parents, who must simply make do with what the procreative coin toss affords them, as in a market determined solely by supply, adoptive parents get to be upfront about their gender preferences. And a look at those preferences suggests that, in fact, the adoption market in China represents a happy coincidence of supply and demand.

Numbers vary, but it's pretty safe to say that somewhere between 70 percent and 90 percent of parents looking to adopt register some preference for a girl with an agency. It doesn't matter if they're adopting from China, where girls far outnumber boys; from Russia, where the numbers are about even; or from Cambodia, where there is typically a glut of orphan boys and a paucity of girls. Everywhere, demand tends to favor the feminine.

Scholars inside the adoption community are quick to admit that the historical aura of secrecy surrounding adoption has hobbled research efforts to account for the decided preference among parents for girls. Still, there are a few decent indicators. First, there are certain norms and stereotypes peculiar to the world of adoption that have been wafting around since adoption became a modern institution. Take, for example, the following quote, an excerpt from the 1916 annual report of the Spence Alumni Society, one of the very first American adoption agencies: "Why do so many people prefer girls! The majority seem to feel that a girl is easier to understand and to rear, and they are afraid of a boy."

Quaint, yes, but the same view still crops up regularly enough in adoption-talk that it invites some probing. Parents might be "afraid of a boy" because the adoption market stalks frightful circumstances like poverty, instability, and violence around the map: When taking the somewhat risky step of bringing a foreign element into their family, parents might perceive little boys to be inheritors of their homes' uneasy fortunes, whereas little girls can more readily seem to be hapless victims of circumstance. Or it might be that, as Landsburg suggested in a follow-up piece, adoptive parents choose girls out of an inference that his theory is true, that most biological parents like sons better, and therefore they gather that "boys will tend to be put up for adoption when there's something seriously wrong with them, but many girls will be put up for adoption simply for being girls."

According to Adam Pertman, the real answer lies elsewhere. Pertman, the executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a New York-based think tank, and author of the book Adoption Nation, suggests that the most important step in figuring out why so many people want to adopt girls is to look at who wears the pants in most adoption processes. Hint: It isn't the men.

"The extent to which women are the driving force in most adoptions is probably a factor," he says. "It's usually true that the women are filling out the paperwork, going to the conferences, the support groups." He adds, "If I speak at a conference, whether it's on adoption or family issues, at least 80 to 90 percent of any of these audiences are women."

If men are indeed largely silent partners in most adoptions, it could indicate that men's preferences with regard to their children's gender are simply not as strong when patrimony is not an issue. A man might hanker pretty strongly after a biological son to pass down both his name and his genes; but if that grand prize, so to speak, is not on the table, he may not care as much either way. Furthermore, if women are the ones running the show in most adoptions, and daughters are the ones getting adopted, it might nudge us toward the overall conclusion that parents merely tend to want children who are like themselves. Absent a strong paternal vote, mothers adopt daughters, and, as Landsburg noted, "fathers stick around for sons when they won't stick around for daughters." If adoption has any light to shed on the larger questions of gender preference among parents, this is probably it: More often than not, the view from adoption has it, mom wants a little girl, and dad wants a little boy.

But perhaps it's worth considering whether deeper motivations might also be at work. Let's assume that the parenting instinct combines two different components: a procreative and a nurturing urge. Some might say women disproportionately answer to the call of nurture, and men are more susceptible to the leaner procreative impulse. In most instances, adoption provides people who cannot satisfy the latter part of that instinct (procreate!) with a means at least to satisfy the former (nurture!). By that reasoning, parents (mostly women) who initiate adoptions do so because they want children to nurture and love, and they adopt girls out of a common perception, however accurate or inaccurate it may be, that girls respond better to nurturing than boys do. Perhaps adoption simply isolates one of the variables involved in why people become parents, and that variable happens to be one that favors girls.

Any institution that grafts altruistic motives, and ends, onto stubborn instinctual predispositions, which is what adoption does, is a cause for rejoicing. (Full disclosure: I have two adopted siblings.) But... when little girls or little boys become preferred commodities, instead of just glints in the eye, there can be unforeseen, and unfortunate, consequences.

In this, adoption may be a bellwether of things to come, as rising technologies of assisted reproduction begin to afford biological parents a similar freedom to stipulate the gender of their children-to-be. If nothing else, the case of adoption shows that gender preferences can indeed skew pretty far to one side if parents are free to jot them down before the fact of parenthood (after which point one's theoretical desire for either a son or a daughter usually breaks up against an actual, beloved child of either gender). Perhaps, all speculation aside, we should regard this particular freedom with a wary eye and applaud the growing number of adoption agencies that don't allow prospective parents to stipulate any gender preference in the first place.

[Garden of Hope]

[ElizabethAnn]

It's a funny thing... placement patterns tend to be cyclical, for reasons none of us at Suite 540 have ever understood. We'll have a large number of one kind of case, sometimes for months! then there'll be a shift, and we'll have a plethora of cases that share another characteristic... but so far, this year, we're seeing one DEFINITE pattern, and it doesn't bode well for those with their nurseries painted pink, because in 2010 to date, every single baby placed has been wrapped in a blue blanket, giving the phrase "boys rule!" a whole new significance around here lately!

[NicandRaj]

Just came across this interesting thread. I must agree that boys do rule! I always thought I wanted a boy and a girl, and we are planning to adopt again. But now that we have our darling Rocco and all of these boy clothes, another boy sounds good. Otherwise, a baby sister may have some interesting outfits

[Jan and Greg]

Just came across this interesting thread. I must agree that boys do rule! I always thought I wanted a boy and a girl, and we are planning to adopt again. But now that we have our darling Rocco and all of these boy clothes, another boy sounds good. Otherwise, a baby sister may have some interesting outfits

When we were planning our second adoption Greg wanted a girl and I said I could do another boy no problem. We got a WONDERFUL girl and I LOVE shopping for girl clothes. I am always asking "where is this in my size " Annie did wear a few of Jackson's outfits too.

So bring on a baby sister for Rocco and she will wear a few of his outfits!!

Good luck with the next adoption.

Jan

[RHSegura]

Funny running across this topic. I always pictured us with a girl although I couldn't really say why. It wasn't really a strong preference, just what I thought. Then we took placement of our amazing little boy last month. Now I can not imagine life any other way!!!!! He is so cute and precious and snuggly and loving. Now I find myself thinking... a few boys would be nice! And there are some adorable boy clothes out there!!! There is no doubt in my mind he was the child meant for us all along.

[marthaj]

When Catherine was a babe and toddler, I often purchased little boy clothes (T-shirts and pants, shorts, overalls) for her because they were generally less expensive. Even at Gymboree the boy's clothes were still cute but just seemed to cost less. I have some wonderful pictures of her with her big smile and curly hair, wearing those adorable little boy clothes!

[Steven&Melissa]

My sister and I are 9 years apart, so when she had her first child I was 12. My niece, Maddie, grew up more like a little sister to me than anything else and so my comfort level was always with raising a little girl. At this point in life, so many of our friends are having babies and everyone's having little boys and they're all so amazing! We've been blessed with extremely close friends-of-the-family who have 7 children - 4 boys, 3 girls. These boys have absolutely 100% stolen my heart. These days, when we get asked what we "prefer" - boy or girl - I can honestly say BOTH. Not one more than the other. They're both so special in their own ways that I hope we don't miss out on either!!!

[ElizabethAnn]

Abrazo has had more boy placements than girls for a few years, now:

http://www.startribu.../144102936.html

But we concur with Rochon's concerns about families "limiting themselves", although our concern is more about families limiting the future children, solely on the basis of gender...

[Jocelyn]

_{Scott and I were just talking about how we thought single mothers would possibly relate more to girls so they'd maybe be prone to parent if they have a girl even after creating an adoption plan. That is probably a bad assumption to make and I know that there would be other factors involved as well, but something we speculated about. But I didn't realize more adoptive couples sought out girls. The article talks about maybe the need to have a caregiver in the family for later in life. In my extended family we seem to talk about another factor, in if there is anyone to carry on the family name which typically would fall on the shoulders of the boys.}

_{Scott has two sisters that are married and their kids have their husbands last name, so Scott was the only one to carry on the Hillman last name. For that reason we liked the fact that we adopted a boy to carry on the name, but we still would have been open to either gender regardless. Another thing we've talked about is how Hillman will move on because of Landon but the gene pool has now changed because of that fact too. Actually we are ok with the gene pool being different since it's a genetic defect that ultimately led to our infertility. I don't know if we are the only ones that talk about this type of thing but just wanted to share some of the conversations we've had on gender and how having boys or girls can affect the family tree and genetics in the generations to come.}

Edited March 27, 2012 by Jocelyn