When A Loved One Dies

[ElizabethAnn]

Three of our Forum folk have lost a parent very recently, and our hearts go out to Chris, Laura and Maury, as well as all of our Forum members who have walked this lonesome valley. Perhaps we could use this as a place to gather and share experiences and encouraging thoughts and ideas for coping, when a family member passes on? What family rituals can you share with your family, to honor the loved one who's gone beyond?

My eldest son was two-and-a-half and my youngest was just 11 months old, when my mother died of cancer, and one thing that's been really important to me is keeping her memory alive, although they were both too young to remember her well. (I keep her photo in their room, and doing so makes me think of the importance of adoptive families keeping their children's birthparents' pictures readily visible throughout their homes, as well. I talk with my boys about their late grandmother often, which reminds me of how hugely important it is for adopted children to hear their parents make frequent and casual references to their kids' birthfamilies, so the mere mention of them is a daily occurrence that keeps the memory of their presence alive, also.)

My mother loved rainbows, for their sign of God's unending promise, and so whenever my sons and I see rainbows anywhere, we call out "Grandma's rainbow!" My boys identify rainbows, therefore, as a sign that Grandma V is sending them love from Heaven, a thought that lends me comfort each time, as well. So often I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and tell Mom what the boys are up to, or ask her a question about something, or seek her advice, mom to mom. At first, this was always a painful reminder that she wasn't here anymore, but over time, it's become more of an assurance of her ongoing presence in our lives, even though we cannot see her in person any longer.

I know it's trite to say "time heals" but for the recently-bereaved of our community, I just want to say that getting through that first year of missed holidays together, for me, led to a better place. I still think of my Mom every day, but it doesn't hurt the way it used to. May you find comfort in happy memories and peace in the assurance that for those who love each other and who believe, all earthly partings are merely temporary...

[TeyandTy's Mom]

Wow! Elizabeth, you are so right.

Yes we know it does sound trite to say "time heals" but, in many ways it does. I would have to attest that my first year after the loss of my husband Danny, was by far the most difficult. I don't hear songs, see photos, or see things that remind me of him and cry anymore. When I hear or see those same things now, they make me smile. He is always in my thoughts....it is just that now I can think of him and not feel so sad. I am at a totally different place now. ....I like to think a much better place. Nine years later I can say these things ...and really believe them myself. The pain is not as great....and the love is no less.

I will keep those mentioned in my prayers that you find peace.

[Adam & Beth]

My father was killed in a cycling accident (he was an avid bicycler) a little over three years ago when a car came over a hill and did not see him or the cyclist he was riding with. Fortunately the other cyclist was okay but did have the traumatic experience of watching her friend die. We continue to pray for her as we know the experience has hurt her badly.

I could write TONS of stuff about how great my dad was to me, my brothers, mom, etc. but as far as helping keep his memory alive for not only us, but all his grandchildren as well, here are a couple of things that we have going on:

One of my father's hobbies led him to work on a big project in South Mississippi with the Rails-To-Trails Conservancy which is a national non-profit organization (RAILS TO TRAILS) that turns abandoned railways into paved bicycle and walking paths and runs around if not even through multiple cities .

The LONG LEAF TRACE or LONG LEAF TRACE (OFFICIAL WEBSITE) is one of the longest Rails to Trails projects and the State of MS Dept. of Parks & Recreation have donated over $75,000 to build a pavillion in his honor on the trail (near one of the trail entrances) at the University of Southern Mississippi. It is in my Hometown and where my Mom lives so the kids will get to see it later this year when it is completed. So there will be something tangible that we can show them regarding his love of the outdoors and of cycling.

He was also very active in Scouting (Boy Scouts of America) and the local council there (Pine Burr Area) has set up an annual skeet and sporting clay competition to raise money for the Scouting program.

Within our family we perpetuate our traditions of camping, hiking, canoeing, kayaking, etc. as they were all things that my father enjoyed and taught us to appreciate as well.

In my own home, I attribute all of my woodworking skills to my father and know that he would be proud of the things I have built. I already know he would be proud of all I have accomplished in my blessed personal life.

Dad too was an avid photographer which is something I have recently gotten interested in. I aspire to have his talent in that area some day.

Overall, we just remember dad as being a loving, caring family man. I miss you Dad and love you.

-Adam

Edited February 19, 2007 by Adam & Beth

[suebee]

Adam,

What a touching post. I'm glad your dad left you a wonderful legacy to follow as a father, and I know you will do him proud!

Susan

[John&Nina]

My brother, Ralph, passed away four years ago this week. He had colon cancer, lived with my parents for the last 10 months of his life and, quite literally, died in my mother's arms.

I want to share with you the Bible verses that have comforted me from the moment I learned of his passing. They have stayed with me since, and I reread them today to once again remind me of the comfort that awaits those who suffer.

"After this I looked, and there was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, robed in white, with palm branches in their hands.

"They cried out in a loud voice, saying, 'Salvation belongs to our God who is seated on the throne, and to the Lamb!' ...

"Then one of the elders addressed me, saying, 'Who are these, robed in white, and where have they come from?'

"I said to him, 'Sir, you are the one that knows.' Then he said to me, 'These are they who have come out of the great ordeal; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb.

"For this reason they are before the throne of God, and worship him day and night within his temple, and the one who is seated on the throne will shelter them.

"They will hunger no more, and thirst no more; the sun will not strike them, nor any scorching heat; for the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of the water of life, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'"

- Revelation 7:9-17

RIP, my brother, Ralph David, June 6, 1954 - Sept. 23, 2003

Edited September 27, 2007 by John&Nina

[mbell]

Thanks for sharing this, John. It is very comforting to imagine God wiping the tears from our loved ones' eys and granting them His perfect peace.

My mother died 5 years ago this Sunday after struggling with a recurrence of breast cancer. Surprisingly, she died just a few months after her 5 year "all clear" scan.

I think I am always a little more reflective (or melancholy) in Fall anyway, but now, and especially this year as I am back in the midwest where she lived, when the balmy warm afternoons and chilly nights of September arrive, and the fall flowers are aglow with their beauty, and the sunlight takes on a different look, I am transported back to the 25 days we spent in a wonderful hospice with her. It had beautiful outdoor spaces with gardens and a pond, and I would often take breaks and watch the wind rustle through the cattails. Even now, I can picture so many of those instances vividly.

As we reflected on our journey to parenthood, my husband would comment how good is was that we didn't have a baby at that time, or I wouldn't have been able to leave my own life for over a month to stay, first with my parents and then taking a bulk of the responsibility at the facility. A friend told me something that really comforted me in that time, because I had not had the relationship I would have wanted with my mother, writing to me how I was a good daughter and was truly following the commandment to "Honor thy father and mother". I took such comfort from "hearing" that, and I am glad that I was able to be there in a very important way, for all of my family at that time.

That friend, who has learned much from her struggles with a medically fragile child, taught me so much about being there for someone in a time of crises. Rather than calling (which can be intrusive or come at the wrong time) or emailing (which can create the need to acknowledge it) she wrote me brief notes nearly every day we were at hospice. Since I was away from home she told me what was blooming in my yard, what she and her kids had done that day, etc. Just a little chat thru the mail, just to be supportive. Not demanding anything of me - no response necessary. And since it was written, I could open it at any time that was convenient or I needed a little pick-me-up. It was a wonderful way to be supportive.

[suebee]

Thanks for posting this John. My college roommate and best friend for more than 20 years called this morning to tell me her father died yesterday. He was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer almost a year ago. I know his earthly body was tired of the battle and that he is at peace in the presence of God. But my friend is hurting...she is very much a daddy's girl, and her daddy was a very special man. I have so many fond memories of him, and my heart is heavy with grief for his family who will surely feel the void he has left for the rest of their lives.

[LovingBoo]

Thank you John and everyone sharing on here. My heart goes out to you all. I am truly in awe of how strong and lovingly you all speak. I like the verse John posted, it was very touching.

I also wanted to comment about the friend who mailed short letters and notes, I think that is a touching and beautiful way to stay in touch and share your sentiments when someone is in need. I know when I experienced a loss it was the letters and cards that touched me near because I didn't get on the phone or email, yet I could still sit and read something from those who loved and cared. It meant a lot.

Jenny