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Bi-racial/Transracial Adoption: Fears, Prejudice & Praise


HeidiK

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I will spread the news that Abrazo is looking for good homes for babies of part or full African-American descent...maybe my friends from California would be ready to get on a plane to Texas....you never know!

PS - Gosh Elizabeth - I wish it wasn't so hard to find families for these babies...but don't get me up on my soap box.... :ph34r:

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Heidi ,

I have to agree with you!

It is extremely sad that so many are waiting. I wish more people would open their hearts to these kinds of children. I for one am glad I did.....looking at those two beautiful brown faces this morning put a smile on my face!

I will pray for these babies and their birthmothers that they find loving families.!

Sabrina

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By my quick calculations, we have at least 15 PIW couples who are not currently matched.

I am praying that at least a few couples among our 15 or more in-waiting will open their hearts, and that Abrazo will not have to go outside our community to find loving homes for these precious little ones!

And to the incoming January orientation group, opportunities to become parents abound if your heart is open and your homes are ready!

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I'm with you guys on this one. It's agonizing to have such wonderful homes as we do, ready and waiting for a baby to love... but not these babies. Not because they're not loveable, not because they're not healthy. It comes down to one thing, and one thing only. And we all know what that is.

Ask any one of Abrazo's waiting families and they'll tell you they would gladly accept any child, if only...

If their spouses were okay with it. If their relatives were more open. If their neighborhoods were more accepting. If their community was less prejudiced. If their first child were white. If their first child had been multiracial. The reasons they "can't" are (ironically) limitless.

And every one of them genuinely do want these infants to find good homes. (Somewhere.)

And every one of them will likely be hurt or angered or offended at my post because deep down, they wish they could say "yes" and the reason they can't shames them, too. (I'm sorry about that.) They're good people. They wish things were different. They wish we could all live in a colorblind world. But they're painfully aware that we don't, and most don't feel they're up to the challenge of raising a child 'of color. I understand this: I really do. And as an agency, we certainly respect the right of each adopting family to make their own best choices about what does or doesn't "fit." It just doesn't make things any better for these tiny babies, who so deserve to grow up in a lovely home with a family just as special as the ones we have currently waiting for 'other' children.

But maybe, just maybe, somebody out there will find the courage to open their heart and their home to a whole new realm of possibility. Maybe someone out there who's reading this will sit down and examine the reasons they checked off the boxes that they did, and realize that doing so just boxes in their family in a way that constricts them from growing. Maybe somebody out there will cast a vote towards changing their relatives, their neighborhood, their community... one transracial placement at a time. And maybe someone will call here and say "talk to me about what it would mean if we were to accept a child of African-American descent; how we could make it work, how we could help those around us embrace this little one?"

Because in the time that I've been typing this post, we've just had another call from a hospital out of town, where there's a newborn baby girl in need of a good home. And I've just got to believe we can find one even within our own loving community... can't we?

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Praying for these beautiful children and their future adoptive parents. Hoping that doors will open and new families will begin, full of color, beauty and love. Our family was hesitant about adopting outside our race and then we decided to open our hearts to children of Hispanic descent, which led us to Abrazo and several matches and then 9 months later Leyna was born with certain health issues to a birthmother of Irish and Spanish heritage and to a birthfather which we know nothing about. This was not anything we were prepared for but it was as if a bright light had shone from above and we had a sense of calm wash over us and we knew that this was our match. Now everywhere we go people ask us what Leyna's nationality is and we tell them we know that she is Spanish and Irish but arent sure about the rest. Deep down, I believe that she has some African-American heritage and I'm proud to say that it makes her all the more special to us. She is truly an American and of American heritage and she is happy and healthy and I wouldn't change her for the world. :D

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I'm sure there have been posts on here before, but I would really, really love to hear from others on the forum who have adopted a bi-racial (i.e. AA/Anglo or Hispanic/AA) or AA child and you did so knowing that your immediate family members (i.e. parents, siblings, people you see on a regular basis - people who spend a significant amount of time with your family and your children) would not be supportive of the adoption of a child of AA descent??? And how did you handle it and how have things worked out? Have they changed their opinion/feelings since this child joined your life? Racism is such an embarassing thing and I really hesitate to even post this but I feel as though doing so, posting - will reach out to a greater community and surely, someone has taken the plunge - even knowing (because they've told you, that your family would not welcome a child of color, but would actually be ashamed :( (and what birthmother, would even want their child placed in such a family/home?) And alienating yourself and your children from these family members isn't an option - so somehow, you've found harmony through the experience? Anyone ever been in those shoes? I would love to hear from you and you're welcome to PM me rather than post a response (although I'm open to either).....

Thanks,

Lisa

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Our full-service program is in need of families for pending arrivals, who will be infants of biracial (Anglo/African-American OR Hispanic/African-American) descent. At present, we have several birthmothers who are waiting to speak with prospective adoptive families who would be open to either gender; these women are due in February and in early March. Sadly, however, we have no parents-in-waiting at present with whom to set up calls. If you or someone you know is homestudy ready and want/s to be considered, please PM the Stork, ASAP! ;)

Finalization can't come soon enough!!! That's all I can say about that. :angry:

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Elizabeth, I will say here that you got my attention with a few PMs that went between us. I was one that said that my family would have a problem with adopting an African American child. I really did believe that, as my father has a slang reference for just about all ethnic groups. I received a few direct statements from Elizabeth that really made me question my motives. I see my dad a couple of times per year. It would crush me if I had a child that he wouldn't accept, but I would survive it.

When we received the call about an AA baby girl needing a home, I still wasn't quite sure about it. Through prayer I knew that this little girl was for us. We had been down some rough roads leading up to it, but all those roads led to her. Dad wasn't very receptive when I called to tell him about the match. Now he is so excited and is ready to come see her. He was very upset that the ice storm last weekend prevented them from coming. He has referred to her as his grandbaby, which made my heart rejoice. It has been a prayer at our church and in me that dad would be able to embrace her as his grandchild. My children will be the only ones he has. I can't wait for him to meet her.

For anyone that is waiting for a child, please seek an open mind to a transracial adoption, including African Americans. You will face some challenges, but it is SO very worth it!

Elizabeth, give us about a year or so, and we will see about one of those sweet babies!

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Guest pamelaz

I'm so glad this post came up. I have thought about it often and have wanted to post for so long, but without knowing exactly what to say. and you said it all Elizabeth!

I can't tell you how many times I've met with a birthmother who is sweet and smart and funny, and who has the most beautiful african american or biracial baby boy or girl, whom she is placing for adoption. While I'm sitting there, visiting with this birthmom I often have an adoptive couple pop into my head and I think "They would be a great match, they are so much alike and would have a fabulous relationship!" But then I have to remind myself "Oh yeah, they won't accept a biracial or african american child." It pains me to say it. It pains me to see this beautiful birthmom who is making a loving adoption plan for her gorgeous infant have to wait while I sort through the profiles thinking "No, they won't do it, No, they won't either..." You know, its funny, these sweet innocent babies look up at you and love you as mom and dad no matter what color you are, its unfortunate that not everyone can look at them and do the same.

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I have often thought of this and wonder why some many couples are not open to adopting bi-racial or African American children. I wish we could have more of a dialogue of what their fears and prejudices are. Maybe an honest and open dialogue could help repair some of the misconceptions or misgivings about being a parent to these beautiful children. Any of you PIW's who left that box unchecked, we would all welcome some non-confrontational conversations to bring more of an understanding to the "Rainbow" community. I hope you are willing to share your thoughts and feelings. It can be a great learning experience for us all.

Sincerely,

Katharine Miles

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Hoping to help along the dialogue that has come up, once again today concerning the need for parents to open their minds and hearts to adopting bi-racial and African American infants/children. This is a topic that comes up, occasionally but just never quite gains the necessary momentum to keep it going....understandably because racism and prejudice is a very sensitive topic for all, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum.

Knowledge is power - let's hope that through some honest and sensitive discussions, people on here will connect and learn and grow and if this helps one child find the home they were meant to be in but would have otherwise been "unavailable" to them, then what a difference these voices can make.

-Lisa

Our full-service program is in need of families for pending arrivals, who will be infants of biracial (Anglo/African-American OR Hispanic/African-American) descent. At present, we have several birthmothers who are waiting to speak with prospective adoptive families who would be open to either gender; these women are due in February and in early March. Sadly, however, we have no parents-in-waiting at present with whom to set up calls. If you or someone you know is homestudy ready and want/s to be considered, please PM the Stork, ASAP! ;)
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And...borrowing some of the posts from the thread "Picking & Choosing - How do you determine what you want"....here are some other attempts at trying to get this dialogue rolling....it wouldn't let me quote so many different posts so I've removed the quotes and hopefully, you'll still be able to follow along....

-Lisa

'Great social worker' date='May 2 2001, 05:04 PM'

I often times have couples new to adoption calling me with various questions regarding birth parent factors. How have you "veterans" determined case factors that you were open to? Ethnic background? Previous drug use? Age of child? Sex of child?

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'LuvOurTexan' date='May 26 2001, 09:15 PM'

We did some real soul searching.  When we discussed race, we asked ourselves..."would we be able to fully give a child a sense of being proud of their heritage?"  Hope this helps.

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'thirdtimearound' date='Dec 12 2001, 07:28 PM'

The first and second time we adopted, the sex of the baby did not matter.  When completing the applications, we said that full anglo or anglo/hispanic would be fine.  

We have 2 blond haired boys!  This time around we are waiting for a girl to complete our family.  Since our boys are almost both full anglo, we had originally thought that we wanted our daughter to be light complected as well.  While that is partially still true, we are more open to the option of anglo/hispanic this time around.

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'chilemom' date='Apr 10 2006, 11:38 AM'

I know this post is quite old, but I thought I would try my hand at answering how we determined these factors for our family in particular.

Ethnic background? I was raised in South America, my husband is half Mexican, and we spent several years working in an African American church, so for us ethnic background was truly not a factor. We left it open for the first three adoptions, and have one full CC, one AA/CC, and one Sudanese/AA child. For the fourth, we are going to specify full AA because we feel it's important that our son should have a sibling that shares his ethnic heritage ...

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'linlacor' date='Apr 10 2006, 05:24 PM'

Thanks for reviving this topic chilemom!!

Ethnic Background - With Kayleigh's adoption, we initially said full anglo only because we felt if the child "looked" more like us, it would be easier for the child as they were growing up. By the time we submitted our application to Abrazo (and I had talked to Elizabeth) and we did some soul searching and education, we decided we were open to either a full anglo or anglo/Hispanic baby. The second time around, we expanded that and said we are open to anglo, anglo/Hispanic, & hispanic and we are excited about the possibilities! I don't know if it's because we live in Texas now and there is such a large Hispanic population here so I just think it would be really cool to be the parent of a child with that heritage or what. It also to me seems like maybe we'd be accepted into that community at a different level if we were the parents of a Hispanic child than we would otherwise - just the opportunity to learn more about the culture, etc is really neat to us. I had posted on here in a different spot about extended family concerns and unfortunately, this has had an impact on our decision to not consider an Anglo/AA or AA baby. It is not quite a mutual decision - it's something my husband and I have discussed at length and he is very concerned that my family would not be accepting of an Anglo/AA or AA child and it would cause a lot of family drama and he's concerned with how this will impact the child and the relationship between Kayleigh and her sibling. I have a different take on things - I think it would be good for my family to be directly impacted by this and forced to confront their stereo-types, biases, etc or whatever they are - I am positive that my family would see past the color of our child's skin and feel exactly toward that child as they feel toward Kayleigh - and I think it would help them realize that their bias and attitudes are the result of just being so sheltered from differences and so on and so on. The other thing I think is that it would have such a positive impact on Kayleigh to grow up with a sibling of a minority race - I just think Kayleigh has such a tender heart and strong personality - I can just see her becoming some activist or something based on growing up with a minority race sibling - I think it would broaden her views on life and be such a positive thing - for all of us...but, unfortunately, this isn't something Lance is ready to take on - I guess he sort of likes to keep the peace in my family and I'm more of a rebel at heart and like to shake things up and keep them interesting - and, I have faith that my family would grow and make me very proud (instead of how I feel now about their attitudes on this now and that is very embarassed & ashamed). Whew - I went on and on with this! Sorry. Just a hot topic with me lately and one I think about quite a bit.

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'MarceloandClaudia' date='Apr 10 2006, 06:14 PM'

Marcelo and I originally were sent an inquiry form several months prior to orientation, but we set it aside because we could not see eye to eye on ethnicity. I felt that if we were asking to be parents, how could we pick and choose. A child is a child afterall. Sometimes, life is more interesting with a little spice right? Marcelo's concern was how any child outside of Hispanic and Caucasion, could "fit in" here in the Valley, especially an African American child. He wasn't been ugly, just realistic. He was afraid they would be treated badly. We have come to realize that all kids get teased etc., so we would just have to deal with whatever comes our way. Luckily, Dante is a big kid, so he'll probably be the one teasing! :P:blink: Hopefully not. I hope he'll be a gentle giant. I also wanted to challenge ourselves to see outside of the box. I thought that adopting outside of our ethnicity could really help us grow as people. Come to find out, it's helped my family, friends and strangers grow too.

Ethnic Background- After discussing this issue in length, Marcelo and I agreed that we were wanting a child period. In the end, we were open to any ethnicity.

Hope I could be of some enlightenment to the Newbies out there!

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'Garden of Hope' date='Apr 13 2006, 06:26 AM'

I think every parent envisions "the perfect" baby. No one goes into parenting thinking, I think I'd like to have a child with this problem and that problem. Of course one thinks, well if my child has this or that, this is what I'd do. Desiring a perfect child is natural. Perfect is a relative term. One child who is perfect for one family would not be considered so in another. I don't think it is exclusive to adoptive situations. I think it's part of the parenting/preparenting process. We've all had philosophical discussions in which we try and say what we would do in this case or that case. Truth is no one knows until they are there.

Interestingly enough, on my application I did not check the AA box. I checked pretty much everything else. When Kelly asked me about that, I asked her why she asked and told her to "talk to me". She told me of a healthy newborn AA baby boy who was ready to go home. At that point, I knew that I wanted to be a parent and that there was NO WAY I could turn this perfect child down. How could I pass him by? He was what I desired (healthy, newborn, needing a home and a loving mom) And the rest is history. No, some of my family didn't "get it". Yes, I get looks. Do I notice, yes. Do I care, no. Do I recommend it for others. Absolutely, but I also recognize it isn't for everyone. Same goes with special needs. Sometimes, we don't know what it is that we need. Good thing God does.

I have a friend who likes to say, "I asked God for perfect children, but he only gave them to perfect parents". I love that. She likes to use that line when parents are complaining about their children. Makes them stop and think.

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'sugarfamily' date='Sep 8 2006, 03:05 PM

In thinking about this subject, I think it is much easier to be "accepting" of different things when you are approaching adoption the second time around. I believe it's not until we have children and love them 100% just the way they are, "imperfections" and everything, that we realize that no-one is perfect - not us, not the babies. Some start out perfectly healthy but develop major issus later. Other may not have gotten a good start but end up just fine. As for the race factor? I think "fitting in" with your family can be an issue, but I can tell you that when I look at my Hispanic daughter, all I see is a beautiful little girl who I get to call MINE! :)

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'MarceloandClaudia' date='Nov 27 2006, 12:04 PM'

One of the things that makes adoption professionals roll our eyes is when well-meaning adoptive applicants try to justify their demand for a "perfectly-healthy newborn, only" by saying "of course we would've gladly consider a special needs child, if only..." IF we were not already raising other kids who need our attention too... IF we were experienced parents... IF this were our first adoption... IF we were not adopting for the first time... IF I were a single parent with fewer demands on our lives... IF I had a spouse to help me... IF we had more family living close by... IF our family didn't live so close by... IF we made more money... IF we didn't make so much money so we could qualify for more assistance programs... IF we had a larger home... IF we didn't work fulltime... IF my spouse and I both had fulltime jobs with benefits... IF our home were not so large and didn't have a pool a handicapped child could fall into... etc., etc., etc.)

______________________________________________________________________________

Elizabeth,

Thanks for the link and what a beautiful picture of child and Mom!

Now, my concern is that as much as I can empathize with how all the justifications make adoption professional's eyes roll, I worry that in itself doesn't make anything better. I know I have my own frustrations about openess to different situations in adoption and probably I would describe it as eye rolling too! Having personally been posed with the situation of considering a special needs placement, I sometimes even question myself as to why that placement may have not been the one for us etc. I sometimes wonder if it truly is because a child was special needs, medically, timing, not feeling connected in that way etc.

Just as we came to a transracial adoptioin in time, and now feel so strongly about the possibility of adopting fully AA, I wonder if it isn't that way or couldn't be that way for a special needs placement?

I don't have the answers to this question and therefore, I am asking it to you or other adoption professionals out there. Of course, trying to justify your reasons shouldn't be done if it's your way out, but finding your reason is very important to growth. I know I will never have all the answers or the right ones that will make others comfortable. All I know is that when you feel confident that you are open to growth and learning then no justification should be needed. I do enjoy talking things through though, so I can get to the root of the why's.

I hope that when you hear those responses from adoptive applicant's, you don't roll your eyes before talking it through. I know that when I hear the uncomfortable justifications about not wanting to adopt out of a family's ethnicity, I want to roll my eyes so bad, but then I remember where we were at one time too.

I truly would like to know how to get there... even though I know it may not be overnight. It's not a black and white answer in my opinion.

Just me,

Claudia

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'HeidiK' date='Nov 28 2006

I wonder how many birth parents pass up potential adoptive parents for the exact same reasons.. Let me explain

When waiting for Gabriel : I marked open to everthing for the very reason(s) elaborated by Elizabeth because I wanted to be presented to potential birth families as often as possible, and I was afraid that I would miss my "child" and I worked hard at NOT trying to picture what my child would really be like. On paper - surely I wasn't anyones perfect match! I was present with some very challenging and difficult situations...most of them when I thought it thru got educated and prayed.. I discovered I was really open to most . Gabriel's "situation" had a very specific set of challenges inculding Native American heritage, drug exposure and no birthfather inforamtion. Once I made the VERY painful decision to turn down a baby that I learned later passed away in the loving arms of the family that had agreed to foster her. I say a special prayer for them all the time.

AND the ironic thing about Gabriel's birthmom is that on her matching sheet she selected: African American or Biracial only VERY FIRM, Christian VERY IMPORTANT, stay at home mom, other child in the home. Not exactly a perfect fit - with a single working Jewish mom, no other kids and gulp...40 yrs old. Had she not been open to ME ----what we have missed out on!

What makes the differnce - is having agenies and social workers invested in the VERY best interests of all the clients that they work with. Latonya ( Gabe's Birthmom) looked at the profiles of the families that fit her "check list", and then afterwards the SW also showed her a few others that were also open to the specifics aurrounding her child, and I was in that stack. When we met - it was a great fit for us both....

I guess the bottom line is that NOBODY - is really exactly what they appear to be on paper, and decisions to accept a match or decline really need to be on so many other things...like connection, faith, love, shared values and ideals...and oh yea...listening to the whispers that assure you that you are making the right choice.

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I know that my parents never envisioned having a black grandchild. I know that my grandmother, raised in West Virginia, never expected a black great-grandchild. I also know that my Mexican father-in-law never, NEVER imagined having a black grandchild! I am sure that each of these family members had reservations about our adopting transracially. But let me say that a child can change EVERYTHING. My son brings a smile and laughter to my father-in-law just because of who my son IS - his personality, his craziness - and not because of the color his skin is (or is not.) We all fear the unknown to a certain extent - but when that unknown become known, becomes a child grafted into our family tree, becomes a baby sleeping in our arms, a toddler giving us wildflowers from his grubby little hands, or a pre-schooler wrapping her arms around our neck in a tight hug ... believe me, a child is a miracle maker.
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But maybe, just maybe, somebody out there will find the courage to open their heart and their home to a whole new realm of possibility. Maybe someone out there who's reading this will sit down and examine the reasons they checked off the boxes that they did, and realize that doing so just boxes in their family in a way that constricts them from growing. Maybe somebody out there will cast a vote towards changing their relatives, their neighborhood, their community... one transracial placement at a time. And maybe someone will call here and say "talk to me about what it would mean if we were to accept a child of African-American descent; how we could make it work, how we could help those around us embrace this little one?"

We are proof that taking the courage to open your eyes & hearts to other is just what is needed. Today as I walked in from work I thanked God for the courage to take that step when our Hayden came running into my arms.

Thanks Abrazo for planting the seeds then quietly watering them.

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Fear of the unknown is a powerful thing.

Think outside the box! for just a little while and you never know what awaits you.

Kids are kids...and kids of ALL colors need love and a family!

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I'm with you guys on this one. It's agonizing to have such wonderful homes as we do, ready and waiting for a baby to love... but not these babies. Not because they're not loveable, not because they're not healthy. It comes down to one thing, and one thing only. And we all know what that is.

Ask any one of Abrazo's waiting families and they'll tell you they would gladly accept any child, if only...

If their spouses were okay with it. If their relatives were more open. If their neighborhoods were more accepting. If their community was less prejudiced. If their first child were white. If their first child had been multiracial. The reasons they "can't" are (ironically) limitless.

And every one of them genuinely do want these infants to find good homes. (Somewhere.)

And every one of them will likely be hurt or angered or offended at my post because deep down, they wish they could say "yes" and the reason they can't shames them, too. (I'm sorry about that.) They're good people. They wish things were different. They wish we could all live in a colorblind world. But they're painfully aware that we don't, and most don't feel they're up to the challenge of raising a child 'of color. I understand this: I really do. And as an agency, we certainly respect the right of each adopting family to make their own best choices about what does or doesn't "fit." It just doesn't make things any better for these tiny babies, who so deserve to grow up in a lovely home with a family just as special as the ones we have currently waiting for 'other' children.

But maybe, just maybe, somebody out there will find the courage to open their heart and their home to a whole new realm of possibility. Maybe someone out there who's reading this will sit down and examine the reasons they checked off the boxes that they did, and realize that doing so just boxes in their family in a way that constricts them from growing. Maybe somebody out there will cast a vote towards changing their relatives, their neighborhood, their community... one transracial placement at a time. And maybe someone will call here and say "talk to me about what it would mean if we were to accept a child of African-American descent; how we could make it work, how we could help those around us embrace this little one?"

Because in the time that I've been typing this post, we've just had another call from a hospital out of town, where there's a newborn baby girl in need of a good home. And I've just got to believe we can find one even within our own loving community... can't we?

When I filled out the application for Abrazo, I have to admit that I checked off every ethnicity with the exception of African American. I believe it was done out of ignorance. When Kelly and I talked prior to orientation, I had left a message about whether I was good to go for the weekend, she said she had been looking at my application and noticed that I hadn't checked that option. At that moment, I said, "Talk to me about it." She proceeded to tell me, "We have a perfectly healthy little boy in Houston who's ready to go home." I told her to give me a little time to think and pray about it. After I hung up the phone, I called a very dear friend of mine who said, "HOW COULD YOU SAY NO?" And the realities were that I could not. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted a child to love and raise. I wanted to adopt a baby. Here was a healthy, beautiful baby boy who needed a family. I called Kelly back probably sooner than she expected and told her to send me the case paper work. That afternoon I met with my social worker and updated my home study. A few days later, Nathan came home forever. It would have been sooner, but I had to meet obligations at work. (I learned about Nathan on a Friday morning and brought him home on Tuesday.) I cannot imagine being mom to any other child. Do I worry? Absolutely. What parent doesn't? Do I stand by my decision. No doubt. Do I have regrets. NO. Was I open to an African American child when I started the adoption journey? Not really. It was so easy just to leave that box unchecked. Out of sight, out of mind--don't want to think that hard or that deep. I shudder to think of what I would have missed out on if I had held fast to my ignorance and fear. I ache to think of the growth my immediate family and friends close to me would have missed out on. I think about the new relationships and perspectives I've gained as a result of my decision. Nathan has blazed some trails that would never have been given a glance let alone now become a favorite place to be. Do I think everyone should adopt a child regardless of ethnicity? When a person says, "I just want a baby to love," does it make me angry to know there are newborn babies waiting in limbo that these same people turn their backs on due to the pigment of their skin and the culture they do not understand? Do I secretly thank God that those before me chose not to risk when asked about parenting Nathan? The answer to these questions are a resounding "YES". Do I understand the fear and ignorance? Absolutely. Am I an expert on the subject? Absolutely not. But when it came down to brass tacks, I had to look at my most basic desire. The bottom line was that I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to have a child. It didn't matter that he didn't look like me. It didn't matter that I didn't know much about the African American culture. What did matter was that I was willing to love him, do my best for him, and learn what I didn't know. I learn every day. I worry every day. I love him every day and thank God for opening my heart and mind every day.

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Thank you, Jean, for saying so powerfully what I cannot, having not adopted a child-- of any race.

As many of you know, growing up, my brother and I had a foster sister from the inner city of Chicago, so from a very young age, I got the idea it was "normal" for families to be composed of varying features and colors. What I didn't know was that Robin joined our family at my mom's insistence, and that my dad (who'd grown up in rural Iowa and had not seen a "real" black person until he was in seminary) was less at ease with it. But he came around. It warms my heart, when my elderly father (now a widower) tells me that Robin (who later married a pastor-- just like my dad!-- and has successfully raised two sons of her own) still calls to check in on him, 35 years later! ;) She brought something to our family that we could never have had without her.

I realize that not everyone is cut out to be a "transracial family." I realize that we live in a racist world and that this won't be cured even if every Abrazo family adopts outside their race. I realize adopting parents are expected to bend over backwards to meet a host of other people's expectations and they do have a right to say "here's what we're hoping for." But I think as people who have taken a stand for children's welfare, every one of us must face this awkward issue and wrestle with it; talk openly; cringe privately; and by doing so, perhaps break down some barriers that affect us all (and our children, too!) in ways we may not even realize.

Lisa and Bridget (and the other mom-in-waiting who called Angela yesterday to explore new possibilities, you know who you are!), thank you for your courage in reading all this and responding to it. I was so apprehensive about posting what I did, and I really didn't want to offend our PIWs (after all, our Forum is full of past PIWs who checked off the same boxes and didn't adopt transracially, either). I appreciate the supportive PMs I've received from folks, but I'm also painfully aware that very few of our other waiting families have ventured in to join this dialogue. (Yet?) I hope they're thinking it over. (Because in the immortal words of motherhood: "I'm only doing this because I love you"... and that goes for all of you.) :)

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I must add my thanks to Elizabeth and all those who are parenting these beautiful “rainbow” children for your thoughtful responses.

It makes me very sad that we have to "talk it up" to get waiting parents to as it has been said "think out of the box" or as I might say " GET OUT OF YOUR COMFRORT ZONE" and consider parenting one of these precious children of AA decent. Sad that people actually think they are less desirable in one way or another, sad that these prospective parents are closing their hearts and doors to the best thing that could ever to happen to them. I know I might be offending someone and everyone thinks their reason is legitimate (and who am I to say it's not) but I as a parent of 3 smart, beautiful, loving (and the list could go on and on) AA/CC daughters who have blessed our lives beyond our wildest dreams I challenge you to really examine your heart and minds.

Before our first daughter joined our family someone gave us a book titled HOPE by Isabell Monk. It touched my husband I in a profound way. I would like to share an excerpt from the book. First I will tell the book is about a young girl who loves to her visits with her Great Aunt. But during this visit it takes the special touch of her Aunt to heal a child hurt by words of ignorance and disrespect.

"You have your mother's beautiful brown eyes. You have the noble shape of your fathers face. Your skin is the color of delicious things, like a perfect cup of cocoa, my special golden-fried chicken, or the apricot jam you helped me make last summer. Baby, when people like Violet look at you, they think you are made only of what they can see. But I know what it truly took to make Hope. It took the faith of your daddy's immigrant great, great, great, great-grandparents to be true to their dreams. It took the faith of your mama's enslaved great, great, great, great-grandparents to know that a better day was coming. It took the faith of your Grandpa Jack and Grandma Jane to stand up in the face of hatred, fear, and ignorance. It took the faith of your Grandpa Vince and Grandma Kate to teach others that knowledge is freedom and should be free. And most important was the faith of your very own mama and daddy to look forward to a future where you will be proud to be part of a race that is simply "human". So when someone asks, "My goodness, is the child mixed?" you can say in a clear voice "Yes, I am generations of faith 'mixed with lots of love! I AM HOPE!""

These children of AA decent have such a rich heritage please don't let all the negatives get in the way.

Please have faith.

PS Please forgive me if I have offended you. That is not the purpose of this post.

Also I would be happy to answer any questions you might have.

The proud mom to Micah, Maya and Hope

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You have made me cry (I can hardly type) and now I need toorder a copy of that book...

Thank you for sharing!

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What a great topic! As the proud new mommy of an AA child I felt the need to put in my two cents.

For us, "checking every box" was an easy decision. I will admit it was made easier by the fact that Tom's brother & sister-in-law had already adopted two AA/mixed race children so there was never a question of family acceptance on that side of the family. As for my family, when we first began making an adoption plan we investigated everything (international, overseas, bi-racial) and were very open to the fact that we were open to any race/color/creed and my family was very supportive from the beginning.

I also totally understand that geography plays a big part in what some famililes will accept. I happen to live in a section of the country (NJ) that is a bit more understanding of mixed-race families than other parts. Not to stereotype, but is not as accepted as easily in some of the other parts of the country.

But let me say that (as "corny" as this may sound) when I look at my Abigail I don't see the color of her skin. And of course I think she is more beautiful than any other baby around (as all parents do :P ) In fact, I had my "A HA" moment shortly after we brought her home. We were at the christing of the four month old son of friends of ours. It was the first time I had seen Vincent since we had been home and the first thing that crossed my mind was "Oh my gosh, he's so pale!" :blink: And then it was like, "Oh yeah, Abby is AA - I forgot!" :D

I have to share a story- My manicurist and & I were discussing adoption (she's a great listener and was my sounding board during my entire 2 year adoption journey - thanks Donna! :) )and she said that she was very happy when she found out that we were adopting a full AA child and not a child of mixed race. From her point of view she thought that raising a bi-racial child would be more difficult. In her mind, adolescents of mixed race have a harder time trying to fit in than those that are of full AA background, and she didn't feel she would be prepared to handle those obstacles. I thought that was an interesting point of view, and not one that had occurred to me. Not that it would have mattered, but it was interesting to hear another take on the subject.

I am reading all of these posts about all of the birthmoms trying to find adoptive families open to starting a Rainbow Family, and as someone mentioned earlier (I don't remember who - sorry :) ) Finalization can't come soon enough for us. Tom & I have already decided that if & when we do this again, we will be requesting an AA/bi-racial child.

Again, I totally understand that everyone has their reasons for "checking the boxes" that they check, but as Tey&Ty's Mom said, try to think outside the box! I am not so naive as to think that Abby's racial differences won't ever be a problem, but I am learning every day and looking forward to facing the challenges that may lie ahead. And especially for all of the Abrazo PIWs, there is such a great support system here that I know if I ever have a question, concern, or just need to vent, there is a place I can go - and that also makes a HUGE difference!

To all of you PIWs out there, visit the Rainbow families thread and see what a great support system is out there. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say please feel free to PM any of us with questions, concerns, or just to vent!

I pray every day for all of the PIWs and birthmoms making life-altering decisions, but there will always be a special place in my heart for the Rainbow Families and those wonderful children awaiting Special families.

Colleen

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Jesus loves the little children

All the children of the world.

Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight,

Jesus loves the little children of the world!

We just shed so many tears over this topic. My heart aches for these little souls and their birth families. I'm with Lindsey...when is finalization???

Pamela, I can't even imagine.... :(

Kudos to the forum and it's members for an open discussion.

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