Senior Wisdom

[ElizabethAnn]

Parenting is a huge job for which most people are minimally prepared,
and the challenges have changed with our society over the years.

If you had it to do all over again,
what would you do differently, knowing what you know now?

What wisdom and advice would you offer new parents nowadays,
based on your life experiences?

[marthaj]

Well, since no one has "stepped up to the plate" I guess I will be the first!

My BIG mistake was not getting Catherine on a "schedule." You know, like waking her up at the same time each day, feeding her at the same time, nap at the same time, bath and bed at the same time. Since I decided to quit work when she was 6 months old (and I was only working part-time anyway when we took placement, evenings and weekends) I just kind of "pooh pooh'ed" the whole schedule idea.

Of course for baby's first 4-6 months, they are going to eat and sleep based on their bodies' needs. I fully believe in "feeding on demand" for the first 4 months (not OVER feeding, but feeding when baby tells you they are hungry.) But at about the 5-6 month point, it is totally possible to put baby on a schedule. Catherine's pediatrician even wrote out a precise schedule for me at the 6 month check-up....what time SHE wanted her to wake up, how many ounces of juice SHE wanted her to have, when SHE wanted her to go down for a nap etc (at least that's how I saw it....I was OUT of the decision making loop. And I will add, this is not the pediatrician we have now....I love our Doctor we have now, and wish I had found this pediatrics practice sooner.)

So I didn't even try the schedule, I think I threw it away before I even left the building! I let Catherine set her own schedule....if she wanted to take a nap at 6pm and then stay up till 11pm, I let her. If she wanted to sleep until 10am the next morning, I let her. Sometimes she didn't get breakfast until 10:30am. I figured that since I was staying home with her anyway, she didn't need to be scheduled. And because I never put her in her crib while still awake and let her learn to "soothe" herself to sleep (ie cry it out!) I was still rocking her to sleep when she was 4 years old! And when she got too big to rock, I would sit with her in the rocking chair and watch the 24 hour PBS Kids station (Barney, Teletubbies, Clifford, etc) until she fell asleep.

Well....when Catherine was 4 and 5 years old, and still up and running around at 11pm....I realized my resistance to adopting a schedule early on was a BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It especially hit home when I discussed the bedtime issue with some other moms in my Mother's Enrichment Group. These were all stay-at-home moms. One mom was an elementary school teacher who choose to stay home with her 2 kids. Her children were ready for bed by 7:30pm....in fact if it got too much past 7:30 they were BEGGING to go to bed! I asked her how she did it. She said "I get them up by 6:30am every morning." Now, you have to understand this mom was a VERY organized, very scheduled type of person. She got up at 5am, was waiting at the Health Club when they opened the doors at 5:30, got in a good 45 minute workout, then made it home before her husband left for work. She was in bed herself asleep by 9pm each night. Her children ate breakfast at the same time each day, snack and lunch at the same time, had their play time, nap time, bath and bed at the same time each day. Her kids knew what to expect, and they were ready for it.

Well, believe me it's extremely difficult to put a 5 year old on a schedule, who has been allowed to set her own schedule for the past 5 years. And to be honest, it's because I did not want to be scheduled. I wanted to sleep in (or at least stay in bed) until 9am, I wanted to do things when I felt like doing them. So, I am reaping what I sowed. I have a child who does not want to go to bed at night, and who will only stay in bed if one of us lies down with her. I have a child who resists getting up in the morning for school (but who, on the weekends, will be wide awake at 8am insisting WE get up.) I have a child who only wants to snack and not eat properly at meal times, because I did not have her meals ready at the same time each and every day. Every evening it's a struggle to get her into bed by 8:30...which becomes 9 then 9:30pm. Every morning it's a struggle to get her out of bed at 6:30am, which becomes 6:45, which becomes 7:00, which becomes "Catherine, you're going to be late for school! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I could have never in my wildest dreams imagined that my lack of focus, preparation and organization would continue to have repercussions 8 years later.

So, my advice....MAKE A SCHEDULE EARLY ON, AND STICK TO IT!!!! I didn't, and I regret it now, BIG TIME!

[MarceloandClaudia]

Martha,

I'm sorry you are having difficulty with the schedule thing, but thank you for reinforcing how important it is. Sometimes, I have to remind Marcelo... it's bedtime. He wants to sneak a few more moments with Dante and of course I understand, but It's bedtime as I stated before. I realize how the schedule is so important to Dante's security. He wakes at the same time everyday for daycare, goes down for a nap at the same time, eats and snacks at the same time and bedtime rituals are usually about the same. Even on the weekends, Dante awakes between 6:30 and 7:00 a.m. ready for his sippy, diaper change and then breakfast. If we don't put him on the sofa in our room alone to drink his juice or milk, he throws a fit. He needs alone time just to wake up a bit, then you can change his diaper. At night, we put him down to bed with the lights off, remind him everyone is going night night and say night night, cover him with his blankie and shut the door. Wow, amazing how I don't even realize all the rituals we have as a family. Sometimes, we even have to say no to certain things if it's around nap time, because we know how important that is to all our wellbeing. After Church yesterday, we opted to decline a lunch invite, seeing how Dante was throwing a tantrum out of frustration (he was tired). We got in the car to pick up Luby's and he was out and even had to eat lunch after his nap. I get you Martha... schedules can't be too rigid, but they are very important.

Thanks for the advice,

Claudia

[bmom2nickngrace]

My mistake is not making Katy sleep in her own bed. From the minute she was released from NICU she was sleeping the same bed with me or she was sleeping in the bed with her brother. She is almost 5 years old and guess where she sleeps?? Still in the bed with me. For the last couple of months we have been laying down with her in her bed and when she is asleep getitng up and going to my bed. Every night around 100am she comes crawling into our bed. Most of the time we know when she comes in but sometimes we dont. I know that I should get up and take her back to her bed but I do not want to get up so I just slide over and to sleep we go.

A few months back my mother in law and I were having a discussion about getting katy to sleep in her own room and she told me that maybe we should buy her a new bed and let her pick it out and maybe she will sleep in her own room. Well a few weeks after that we went to San Antonio and we stopped at Rooms To Go Kids and we looking around. She found this bed that she really loved ..its a ned in the shape of Cinderella's carriage. She kept telling us I want this bed and I will sleep in it ...I promise. Well the bed was 500.00 and we did not have the money at that time to purchase it and told her that we would get it for her birthday this year. So last week I told her that her birthday was getting closer and she was getting closer to getting her Cinderella Bed. All of the sudden she tells me I do not want a new bed. I asked her why. She told me that she would have to sleep in her own room and she was going to sleep with mommy and daddy forever.

I would really love her to have this bed but I do not see the point in getting it if she doesnt want to sleep in her room.

This is MY BIGGEST MISTAKE. I know that I have made others but wish that i would have never started this.

When my 6 month old niece is here spending the night because my mother in law needs a break I put her in the moses basket because I do not want to start another habit. I told my mother in law that she needs to get a pack and play ready because she is getting way to big for the basket because she would not be sleeping in my bed.

[marthaj]

Sometimes, I have to remind Marcelo... it's bedtime. He wants to sneak a few more moments with Dante and of course I understand, but It's bedtime as I stated before. I realize how the schedule is so important to Dante's security.

Thanks for the advice,

Claudia

When Catherine was a year or so old (it's been so long I've forgotten her exact age, maybe she was a little older), Jeff was working a lot of overtime hours...sometimes he wouldn't get home until after 9pm. I thought I was doing the right thing by letting her nap late, then stay up late to have time with daddy. I didn't realize I was laying the foundation for her inner body clock for years to come.

Now "time with daddy" has turned into just another tactic to delay bedtime. Jeff will be out of town on business for 2 weeks beginning this Sunday, Jan 28th. I am actually looking forward to it, because it is so much easier to get her into bed when it is just the two of us. We go to swimming from 6-7:30, home by 8, get into pajamas and have a snack. I keep most of the lights, TV and computer turned off and get her into bed by 8:30. Sleep comes a little later, but at least if I can get her into bed that's half the battle won.

I realize I am not the only one who mistakedly thought a child could be flexible and adaptable later on. Sometimes I will have to run to the grocery store late for something, like at 9 or even 10:00pm (when Jeff is home of course...) and I will see parents with their young children wide awake running around the store. I want to tell them "Your children need to be in bed! This is really going to come back to haunt you later!!" but of course I keep quiet, because no one wants unsolicited advice!!

[Garden of Hope]

Well, since no one has "stepped up to the plate" I guess I will be the first!

My BIG mistake was not getting Catherine on a "schedule." You know, like waking her up at the same time each day, feeding her at the same time, nap at the same time, bath and bed at the same time. Since I decided to quit work when she was 6 months old (and I was only working part-time anyway when we took placement, evenings and weekends) I just kind of "pooh pooh'ed" the whole schedule idea.

Of course for baby's first 4-6 months, they are going to eat and sleep based on their bodies' needs. I fully believe in "feeding on demand" for the first 4 months (not OVER feeding, but feeding when baby tells you they are hungry.) But at about the 5-6 month point, it is totally possible to put baby on a schedule. Catherine's pediatrician even wrote out a precise schedule for me at the 6 month check-up....what time SHE wanted her to wake up, how many ounces of juice SHE wanted her to have, when SHE wanted her to go down for a nap etc (at least that's how I saw it....I was OUT of the decision making loop. And I will add, this is not the pediatrician we have now....I love our Doctor we have now, and wish I had found this pediatrics practice sooner.)

So I didn't even try the schedule, I think I threw it away before I even left the building! I let Catherine set her own schedule....if she wanted to take a nap at 6pm and then stay up till 11pm, I let her. If she wanted to sleep until 10am the next morning, I let her. Sometimes she didn't get breakfast until 10:30am. I figured that since I was staying home with her anyway, she didn't need to be scheduled. And because I never put her in her crib while still awake and let her learn to "soothe" herself to sleep (ie cry it out!) I was still rocking her to sleep when she was 4 years old! And when she got too big to rock, I would sit with her in the rocking chair and watch the 24 hour PBS Kids station (Barney, Teletubbies, Clifford, etc) until she fell asleep.

Well....when Catherine was 4 and 5 years old, and still up and running around at 11pm....I realized my resistance to adopting a schedule early on was a BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It especially hit home when I discussed the bedtime issue with some other moms in my Mother's Enrichment Group. These were all stay-at-home moms. One mom was an elementary school teacher who choose to stay home with her 2 kids. Her children were ready for bed by 7:30pm....in fact if it got too much past 7:30 they were BEGGING to go to bed! I asked her how she did it. She said "I get them up by 6:30am every morning." Now, you have to understand this mom was a VERY organized, very scheduled type of person. She got up at 5am, was waiting at the Health Club when they opened the doors at 5:30, got in a good 45 minute workout, then made it home before her husband left for work. She was in bed herself asleep by 9pm each night. Her children ate breakfast at the same time each day, snack and lunch at the same time, had their play time, nap time, bath and bed at the same time each day. Her kids knew what to expect, and they were ready for it.

Well, believe me it's extremely difficult to put a 5 year old on a schedule, who has been allowed to set her own schedule for the past 5 years. And to be honest, it's because I did not want to be scheduled. I wanted to sleep in (or at least stay in bed) until 9am, I wanted to do things when I felt like doing them. So, I am reaping what I sowed. I have a child who does not want to go to bed at night, and who will only stay in bed if one of us lies down with her. I have a child who resists getting up in the morning for school (but who, on the weekends, will be wide awake at 8am insisting WE get up.) I have a child who only wants to snack and not eat properly at meal times, because I did not have her meals ready at the same time each and every day. Every evening it's a struggle to get her into bed by 8:30...which becomes 9 then 9:30pm. Every morning it's a struggle to get her out of bed at 6:30am, which becomes 6:45, which becomes 7:00, which becomes "Catherine, you're going to be late for school! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I could have never in my wildest dreams imagined that my lack of focus, preparation and organization would continue to have repercussions 8 years later.

So, my advice....MAKE A SCHEDULE EARLY ON, AND STICK TO IT!!!! I didn't, and I regret it now, BIG TIME!

Martha,

Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post. I could substitute my name and Nathan's into your post with the except of rocking him to sleep. I loved to rock him when he was little, but he was put to sleep in the crib when he was still awake and he would go to sleep on his own.

You and I have to be the tag team support for each other here. Nathan is 4 and I have just now (Since Dec. 27) instituted a bedtime. Currently he has to be in bed by 9. I know that's late by most standards, but I had to start somewhere and being that we often don't even get home til 7, it was doable at this point. I have often said, "I have no sense of time." When I taught I would sometimes set a timer to keep myself on track. I don't eat at a scheduled time. I try to avoid eating, and try to eat when I am hungry. In the last couple of years, Nathan never seems to want to eat. He is a snacker, though. I am moving toward a better stance on this as well. SO, sister.......thanks for posting my biggest parenting mistake and together, we can turn it around. ARe you with me on this one?

I work from 9:30-5:30, basically because I'd rather sleep in the morning. (Sound familiar?) I keep thinking that if I can get both of us on a better schedule then I could go in early, get out early, and then Nathan and I would have time to play at home which would help him to feel more ready to go to bed. (He's forever saying, "I want to pway." I tell him, "You played all day." "No," he says, "I want to pway here.")

I've also noticed how drastically his mood is altered when he misses the 9:00 bedtime by very much. The earlier bedtime has seemed to improve his attitude toward eating as well.

So, if you're a parent and you hear people talk about getting the baby on a schedule, listen.

I am an educated person, I've worked with children all my life, and I know better, but I couldn't for the longest time get past my own personal habits/preferences. Well..............say good bye to the old and in with the new.

PS. The children who beg to go to bed. Sometimes it has more to do with their personal sleep needs than the schedule. I have a friend who had her kids in bed by 7, but she said it was just what they had to have. She wanted to keep them up and they just wouldn't stay awake. Sometimes they'd try to hide or sneek off to their beds to go to sleep before their bedtime!!!!

[marthaj]

The children who beg to go to bed. Sometimes it has more to do with their personal sleep needs than the schedule. I have a friend who had her kids in bed by 7, but she said it was just what they had to have. She wanted to keep them up and they just wouldn't stay awake. Sometimes they'd try to hide or sneek off to their beds to go to sleep before their bedtime!!!!

Sounds like those kids were Morning Larks (as compared to us Night Owls). In some ways I think Catherine was born a Night Owl. As an infant, she slept most of the day, and then would be wide awake for several hours at night. Unfortunately, Jeff and I are both Night Owls too (although my days of being able to stay up past midnight are pretty much done...I just feel too crappy the next day if I'm not in bed asleep by at least 11pm!)