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Domestic Adoption Is Alive & Well!


ElizabethAnn

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This morning the Dallas Morning News (and many other papers across the country) carried an Associated Press article which claims that "dwindling supply, wrenching experiences" in domestic adoptions are enticing more and more prospective adoptions to adopt abroad instead.

Where is this idea coming from?! Recently, experts have stated that more birthparents in America are placing than in decades past, drawn by the possibilities of openness, growing economic hardship, and the availability of adoption options via the Internet.

True, every state does have differing laws regarding the period of time that a birthmother may change her mind about placing her child for adoption. (In TX, as in FL and UT and a number of other states, there is NO revocation or reclaim allowed, if the placement was done legally through a licensed agency.)

But not every planned adoption should happen-- whether one looks at domestic or international adoption.

Adopting parents sometimes change their minds, too. Of those "birthparents" who do "change their minds" in planned domestic adoptions, face it; some should. Some parents are lured into illicit or just plain "wrong" plans, due to unethical adoption facilitators or misguided personal motives. Others find that the people they'd planned to place with may not, in fact, be trustworthy, while still others discover alternatives that will enable them to parent their children themselves, avoiding the grief and loss adoption represents.

In domestic adoption, experts say 15-20% of parents who consider placing a child for adoption will opt to parent instead; those aren't bad odds, in reality (can you imagine how popular any infertility clinic would become if it could guarantee that all but 1 out of 5 of its patients would conceive and deliver successfully?!)

And at least 15-20% of international adoptions also fail-- if one counts the referrals that never materialize, the countries that shut down before placement can occur, or horrifying incidences of disrupted adoptions, when children adopted abroad by overeager, under-prepared Americans end up being "de-adopted" then "re-placed" (surrendered by their adoptive parents and dumped in the state foster care system to rely on government welfare programs, or getting adopted by another family--or more.)

Those of us within the world of Abrazo know that domestic adoption does surely work as well as (if not better than) international adoption. Domestic adoption provides more options, personal power and autonomy to its participants, and empowers children being adopted to better form a positive, thorough sense of identity. It's not without it's complications; it's not always "quick," "cheap" nor "easy," yet why should anything related to childrens' welfare ever be?

Open adoption in America is alive and well. If you have a specific global commitment to adopting a child born across the world, then by all means, do. But if you're trying to decide whether to adopt in the U.S. or not and the media is scaring you off, think again. Domestic adoption does work!. And if you're one of those folks who belief the proof is 'in the pudding" here's proof: if you're a registered user here on the Forum, go to our Gallery at the top of the Forum home page. Click on New Arrivals and see for yourself.

Then, help spread the word. Send a link to this post to someone who needs to hear the news.

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Elizabeth,

There is a saying "The pen is mightier than the sword." With your gift for written expression, I think you should write a letter to the editor of every associated press-affiliated newspaper in Texas (or heck why stop at the Lone Star State?) and tell 'em what you just told us (because, you're "preaching to the choir" on the forum!)

Let your voice be heard!!!

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I agree with Martha. I get really sick of hearing this when I know differently. Sometimes I think people are going to believe what they want to believe. It is frustrating to try and combat misinformation especially when it is carried far and wide by a supposedly reliable source (AP) I sincerely want to see you, Elizabeth, on Oprah dispelling the myths and ignorace related to domestic and open adoption. I never see Oprah, but she seems to have a mighty wide audience. A response to the article would also be gratifying, but that's a lot of letters to cover all the places that article appeared.

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Elizabeth, I know this isn't the first time you've heard this but, I think it's time you wrote a book! With your talent for writing and your passion for and knowledge of open/domestic adoption you could have a HUGE effect on the future of adoption in our country. This "industry" (I hate that word, but it's early and I'm at a loss for a better one) needs more thought leaders who KNOW what they are talking about. The words on this forum alone should give you a good 5 or 6 chapters!!! :D

Come on, you can do it in your spare time! :lol::lol:

Edited by TheEnglishes
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I have a very close friend who recently shared with us her and her husband's decision to begin the process of adopting a child from Russia. We were totally shocked to hear this since we did not realize they were even thinking of expanding their family right now. But I have been so excited that one of my very closest friends (since preschool!) will be someone that will understand the emotions and experiences of not being able to carry a child, of the whole process of adoption, and of the issues the adopted child will face throughout his life. We have already had some opportunities to "vent" to each other about the things people say, etc. But our adoption experiences are going to be so different that I'm afraid we're going to disagree on some things. An open domestic adoption and an obviously closed international adoption are just very different. She has admitted to me that the reason she decided on international was that she couldn't handle the thought of a birthparent changing his or her mind. (We do have a 10? or 14? day period in which that can happen in TN). I don't remember that ever being a consideration when we decided on domestic. She also talked about some adoptees who spoke at a training they had to attend who said that they have no desire to know who their birthparents are, that their adoptive parents are all the security they need, etc. (which is totally the opposite of what we heard at our "training"!) But I just don't believe that. I think that if we're being honest, EVERYONE wants to know where he came from. That's just human nature. I can't imagine anyone ever being truly content to have that "void" in their life story. Maybe I'm wrong, and I know that it's just not possible to know in many situations, so maybe God is able to give those people a peace in not knowing. International adoption is just a totally different experience. Yet, it's undoubtedly a good thing that these children are being placed in good homes, just as our domestic adoptees are. I just think that prospective adoptive parents often do not do enough research before they begin the adoption process. It's easy to think about what's easiest for us and not what's best for the child. I never thought through a lot of this either until later. It's just really been on my mind lately due to this news from my friend and to our thinking through what our next adoption experience may be, as we hope to begin that process fairly soon.

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Amen Sisters! Elizabeth, i hope you seriously forward this post to the editor. And its hight time you wrote a book! Its such a shame that domestic adoption is given such a bad name. And really we don't know how many birthfamilies overseas "change thier minds" either. They could be pregnant and all along plan to place the baby in an orphanage and at the last minute or after birth decide not to........we just don't know that statistic. I am sorry, people talk about how "horrifify" the process can be. My cousin adopted through Russia (I am not picking on russia) but she was all set to adopt a sibiling group. Come to find out, her "healthy" children one of them had CP, and for all the money she paid up front, they kept asking her for "donations" everytime to came to visit the babies, a donation, that if not paid, the babies were unavailable for visitiation. I know alot of people that have adopted successfully overseas and domestically, but I also know that a few couples that had alot of years waiting and mega-money invested in adoptions overseas that didn't go so smoothly. Nothing is life is black and white and especially when you are dealing with human beings and raw emotion can you completely predict the outcome of any adoption.

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Okay not to rant at ya'll, my fellow adoption-loving-triad-family, but DANG it. I just want to march down to that paper and smack someone!

Do they KNOW anyone in adoption that is in a GOOD place? i am begining to think that those negative drama queens need to get out more.

I as a birth mom was TURNED DOWN TWICE. I am not bitter. Life was not what we plan, it is all the works of someone meant to make a bigger picture work out. I knew the minute I read the badly- smeared, black and white thermal paper fax of the full color dear birthmom letter. I KNEW IT! and all that saddness from not having it "happen" before them WENT AWAY! I mean Dang!

can I get a rope and a tape recorder and hog tie our fearless leader to the Oprah chair until all adoption myths are slayed! I mean she should really get out there and get to preachin to the unbelievers! BEGINING with the press!!!

I am now smoothing all the ruffled feathers, and I am stepping off the box... NEXT!!!!

Edited by Lisa2
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Okay not to rant at ya'll, my fellow adoption-loving-triad-family, but DANG it. I just want to march down to that paper and smack someone!

Do they KNOW anyone in adoption that is in a GOOD place? i am begining to think that those negative drama queens need to get out more.

I as a birth mom was TURNED DOWN TWICE. I am not bitter. Life was not what we plan, it is all the works of someone meant to make a bigger picture work out. I knew the minute I read the badly- smeared, black and white thermal paper fax of the full color dear birthmom letter. I KNEW IT! and all that saddness from not having it "happen" before them WENT AWAY! I mean Dang!

can I get a rope and a tape recorder and hog tie our fearless leader to the Oprah chair until all adoption myths are slayed! I mean she should really get out there and get to preachin to the unbelievers! BEGINING with the press!!!

I am now smoothing all the ruffled feathers, and I am stepping off the box... NEXT!!!!

Can I get an AMEN??????? :D

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I can't remember what article about Madonna and Guy ( but mostly about Madonna, and why isn't Mr Richie standing up to defend his rights as an adoptive father...another post)

talked about Meg Ryan's adoption of a little girl from China. What stood out in my mind was the bit about her trying for 10 unsucessful years to adopt domestically before she went overseas. What does that mean? Honestly, was that tid bit included to take a cheap shot at domestic adoption. And how come, since adoption is on the front page, no one talks about how African American kids in the USA are the last to be adopted OR they are adopted by Canadians or others outside of the USA?

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Amen!!

Okay not to rant at ya'll, my fellow adoption-loving-triad-family, but DANG it. I just want to march down to that paper and smack someone!

Do they KNOW anyone in adoption that is in a GOOD place? i am begining to think that those negative drama queens need to get out more.

I as a birth mom was TURNED DOWN TWICE. I am not bitter. Life was not what we plan, it is all the works of someone meant to make a bigger picture work out. I knew the minute I read the badly- smeared, black and white thermal paper fax of the full color dear birthmom letter. I KNEW IT! and all that saddness from not having it "happen" before them WENT AWAY! I mean Dang!

can I get a rope and a tape recorder and hog tie our fearless leader to the Oprah chair until all adoption myths are slayed! I mean she should really get out there and get to preachin to the unbelievers! BEGINING with the press!!!

I am now smoothing all the ruffled feathers, and I am stepping off the box... NEXT!!!!

Can I get an AMEN??????? :D

I would love for Elizabeth to make an appearance on the Oprah show and set it all straight!!!

Edited by BrendaMikeGabe
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  • 2 months later...

It seems that "dwindling supplies" and "wrenching experiences" mentioned in the Dallas Morning News article last October are also risks inherent in international adoption, and may be contributing to falling numbers of such adoptions in America; read this New York Times article about adoptive parents who pay $2500 or more to bring Russian orphans into their home for pre-adoption visits only to later find out the children they've fallen in love with are suddenly unavailable.

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  • 1 month later...

We were warned about this when we were investigating international adoption. One agency warned us that they advised all their parents to take at least $10,000 as a "bribe" to get the child they wanted. They told us that the same pictures were sent out to several different parents and the "highest" bidder won the children. We left that agency and didn't return!

We are so THANKFUL for ABRAZO!!!

Edited by tksimmons02
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We were warned about this when we were investigating international adoption. One agency warned us that they advised all their parents to take at least $10,000 as a "bribe" to get the child they wanted. They told us that the same pictures were sent out to several different parents and the "highest" bidder won the children. We left that agency and didn't return!

We are so THANKFUL for ABRAZO!!!

Oh, my goodness!!! That is crazy!

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  • 3 weeks later...

A British newspaper investigation has uncovered adoption scandal in Nepal, where brokers are stealing children from destitute parents promised their little ones are going to be placed in "children's homes" for education and care but upon searching for their tots, learn they were illegally adopted, instead. "Lost Children" Stolen for International Adopters.

Why do I post these stories, here? It's not to bash international adoption, but to draw attention to the huge problem that's being created by the demand for foreign-born children, when supply-and-demand creates a cottage industry for child-snatchers, profit-driven adoption brokers and would-be parents who don't particularly care where their baby comes from (or don't understand the importance of asking.)

Meanwhile, USA TODAY reported on Friday that Queen Latifah is preparing to adopt from the New Jersey foster care system, which is great! However, the article ("Latifah: It's the Right Time To Be a Mom") does on to quote Latifah erroneously stating that she understands why people go outside the U.S. (to adopt, since) "you can adopt someone here and the birthparents have three years to come back and get that child."

ARGH!!!!!! This is so not true in legally-done and ethically-managed adoptions in this country, yet it's so misleading!!! And it's this kind of misinformation, whether spouted by celebrities or by international adoption workers or by well-meaning neighbors over the fence that continues to create a perception of domestic adoption as being dangerous or temporary-- or at the very least, riskier than it is, in reality. I'm firing off a protest to the editors; if you'd like to join me, write to: editor@usatoday.com.

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Meanwhile, USA TODAY reported on Friday that Queen Latifah is preparing to adopt from the New Jersey foster care system, which is great! However, the article ("Latifah: It's the Right Time To Be a Mom") does on to quote Latifah erroneously stating that she understands why people go outside the U.S. (to adopt, since) "you can adopt someone here and the birthparents have three years to come back and get that child."

What Latifah was probably refering to is New Jersey's byzantine child welfare system, which is notoriously and frustratingly difficult to deal with.

That being said, it was the reporter's job to challenge such a blatantly incorrect statement. You would be right to send letters to the editor seeking an opportunity to enlighten USA Today's 2 million readers...

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  • 1 month later...

Russia has reportedly suspended its programs while revising the laws, China has tightened its standards, and the US State Department is advising Americans to avoid Guatamalan adoptions, due to problems there.

With all the news recently of international adoption avenues that are shutting down, American agencies are seeing an influx of would-be adopters now calling domestic agencies in search of services. The problem, however, is that many of these folks, while desperate to parent, have no interest in openness, and no desire to learn its benefits. (One such individual called here today, telling Angela they "need to get" an American-born baby while waiting for her husband's criminal record to get expunged so that they can proceed with their foreign adoption dreams. Reminded that our adoptions do require openness, she indicated they'd do whatever they had to... until they got the baby home.)

All I can say is... YIKES!

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Reminded that our adoptions do require openness, she indicated they'd do whatever they had to... until they got the baby home.)

All I can say is... YIKES!

:blink::unsure: :angry:

I can't believe they would actually say that, well I guess I can believe it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Out of Minneapolis/St. Paul comes this tragic story of a well-known international adoption agency in the Midwest that has been closed down, along with the disasterous experiences of those who lost thousands of dollars and travelled around the world only to end up back at home without the child of their dreams: How "Reaching Arms International" Overreached (and Got Shut Down.)

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Out of Minneapolis/St. Paul comes this tragic story of a well-known international adoption agency in the Midwest that has been closed down, along with the disasterous experiences of those who lost thousands of dollars and travelled around the world only to end up back at home without the child of their dreams: How "Reaching Arms International" Overreached (and Got Shut Down.)

Really, really sad! I remember looking at Reaching Arms when we first started looking into adoption...I believe I even spoke to the lady who owned the agency. I am so incredibly thankful that God led us to Abrazo! Thank you, Abrazogals, for all you do!!!!!

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  • 4 weeks later...

In Oregon, the Bonk family shares their story of "why domestic?" and "why open?" when it came to their decision to become parents through adoption: read all about it.

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I can't get the link to work either, because apparently once viewed, the East Oregonian newspaper reverts to a subscription restriction, so hopefully they won't mind if we share the text of that story below, for purposes of educating our Forum folk!

'Not giving her up, giving her more':

Couples look at open adoption

By Terry Murry, of the East Oregonian

June 16, 2007

Domestic adoption is moving out of the shadows and into the sunlight as more couples choose open adoptions as the course they want to take on the road to parenthood.

In open adoptions, the birth mother has decided adoption offers the best future for her child. She selects, from applications with the adoption agency she chooses, the adoptive parents she wants to raise her child. In many cases, the adoptive parents are present at birth.

The adoptive parents enter into a legal agreement with the birth mother that sets out the number of face-to-face visits she'll have each year, and can even set out the number of written communications the adoptive parents will send to the birth mother each year.

Proponents of open adoption feel it helps the child understand from the beginning of the birth mother's love for her child and her desire to give the infant a better life.

John and Brenda Bonk of Pendleton found the odds of having a baby the natural way were stacked against them. They faced a long and possibly expensive road to childbirth when John issued the wake-up call.

"He said, 'Is this about being pregnant or about being parents,' " his wife said.

Brenda Bonk had heard of the open adoption process and was familiar with Open Adoption and Family Services, Inc. of Portland. The couple was heartened by the low disruption rate of open adoptions, only five percent as compared to the average of 20 percent for the more traditional adoption.

"I liked how supportive they are of the birth mother," John said of OAFS. The couple began the involved training process the agency offered, and said they were impressed every step of the way.

As with most true stories, their path was littered with snags and delays, but eventually, after four false alarms, the Bonks were contacted by the agency and told that a birth mother had seen their "Dear Birth Mother," letter and wanted to know more about them.

The Bonks traveled to meet with the birth mother and were braced for disappointment, but instead found excitement.

"On our first meeting she turned to me and said, I want you to be the mommy," Brenda said.

"It seems like we just connected on a personal level," John said.

"We give both sides a good night's sleep to think about it," Angie Lunde, the OAFS counselor and mediator for Eastern Oregon and Washington, said. When the sun came up, nothing had changed.

The three parents-to-be worked together to name the little girl - Kendra Nevaeh Allicyn Bonk, and when their daughter was born the Bonks were waiting. They had worked out a birth plan with the mother, who insisted they be the first ones to hold Kendra.

The birth plan allowed the Bonks not to worry, John said. A copy of it was faxed to the hospital by Angie Lunde, the OAFS counselor and mediator serving Eastern Oregon and Washington.

"It could not have gone better, " John said. "It fit how we imagined it was going to be."

Kendra has been at home with the Bonks for three months now. She's visited her birth mother and the Bonks have sent her photos. Right now, the birth mother is in transit, so the couple is out of touch. However, they're confident that she'll come back in to their lives.

The Bonks praise open adoption saying it means Kendra will face life with knowledge and confidence, not uncertainties.

"We won't have to sit down and tell her she's adopted," Brenda said. "She'll always know."

The Bonks said they also like open adoption because the child is the focus of the process.

"She said, I'm not giving her up, I'm giving her more," Brenda said of the birth mother.

-------------------

Adoption: Talking about it in a positive way

Positive adoption language is important to everyone from the birth mother, to the adoptive parents and to the child.

•Say "planning an adoption for a child"; not "giving up" a child.

•Say "birthmother" and "birthfather"; not "real" or "natural" mother and father.

•Say "birthchild" or "child by birth"; not "real" child or "natural" child

•Say "parenting" the child; not "keeping" the child.

•Say "unplanned pregnancy"; not "unwanted child".

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