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When Agencies Turn People Down


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No offense taken Jada. You keep right on trucking girl!

Good luck on your quest to foster/adopt. Jay and I went through those hoops several years ago before we found Abrazo. We still hope to foster/adopt through the state system, but not until we are a little older and wiser (like you!).

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We all also need to realize that you don't have to be the best to everybody just to one (or two)person(people) and everbody's "ideal parent" is different.

Well said, Jada. I wish I knew how to move this to the thread about when a birthparent doesn't pick you. It is helpful to remember that just because a phone call with a possible birthparent doesn't result in a match, doesn't mean that the next one won't! Different bps are looking for different things, and only they can determine what is best for them and their child.

Sorry for getting off the subject here! I just thought this was such a great point (along with everything else you said!)

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  • 9 months later...

Just wondering Elizabeth........does Abrazo turn birthparents away as well?? Ones they don't see fitting in the Abrazo Program?? If it does, then I have a few more ??'s for you!! :-)

Im glad that Abrazo doesn't just readily accept everyone. And it also explains why you at Abrazo have such a great success through the forum and at the Camp Abrazo!! Because everyone shares a like goals in their adoption journeys!! :-)

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Yes, Abrazo has also, on occasion, had to turn down prospective birthparents for whom we do not have a foreseeable match, or who refuse to comply with our program requirements or whose conduct is not conducive to positive open adoption planning. It's never easy to do, but I have to believe it's the only ethical option when we don't feel, for whatever reason, that trying to work together would be in everybody's best interests...

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I am honestly glad to hear that! See the biggest problem I think with some not to be named agencies is that they have SO MANY PIW that they will take ANY baby from ANY Birthmother just so that they can get their hands on that baby!! Even when its not the best for the AP's or the BP's. Very Sad!!

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Have a question for all of you about this topic. I have very dear friends, Scott and Stephanie, and Scott has Multiple Sclerosis (sp?). He is in a scooter as it pains him to walk. They are in their mid-thirties and never had children as he knew he was a carrier of the gene. They now want to adopt. without a miracle (which we are believing for) Scott will have MS until he dies, which maybe sooner because of it.

They are some of the greatest people I know- they take care of everyone's kids. They are going to try to foster/adopt, but I wonder what an agency or prospective birthparent would say about them. Stefanie is perfectly healthy, vibrant, athletic and Scott is humorous, incredibly intelligent, provides well, etc.

Just wondering what you all would think about a couple like this adopting.

Stacie

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Most agencies do consider adoptive applicants with disabilities or chronic illness on a case-by-case basis, if the applicant's condition does not potentially limit his or her life span and parenting capabilities. But it does help increase their options, if those applicants' placement expectations include a wider variety of ages and races and medical risks (because speaking candidly, fewer birthfamilies are likely to see adoptive parents with medically-intensive needs as constituting an "optimal" placement choice for a healthy newborn.)

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  • 2 months later...

Editorial Remarks

One of our staffers just had to field an angry phone call from a family who contacted our agency expecting to be readily approved to adopt a "white-baby-only" here.

However, they just received a letter explaining why Abrazo's program does not typically have a particular need for families who are seeking to adopt nothing but full Anglo-Caucasian newborns, and they were NOT happy about this, despite patient explanations and encouragement that they consider pursuing Abrazo's designated program, if they are unable/unwilling to expand their preferences (since this can often help place the onus of finding a 'suitable' case on those with a more narrow definition of what 'suitable' is about.)

The caller vehemently stated her belief that all adoption agencies have a moral obligation to fulfill the requirements of their applicants, a perspective that reflects a common misconception about the actual purpose of adoption agencies. (The ethical ones, anyway.)

Adoption agencies, in their purest form, are supposed to exist to meet the needs of children.

(Not to meet the demands of grown-ups...unpopular though it may be, to admit this to the very folks who are seeking to foot the bill for adoptions that are intended to meet the needs of children-in-need.)

The purpose of having an application process is to assess which homes are best-suited to the needs of the types of children for whom our agency is responsible for placing.

The majority of children whom Abrazo serves have no particular need for homes that could care only about children with white skin. (Regardless of whether they are Anglo-Caucasian or not.)

For those seeking to adopt a full Anglo newborn only, Abrazo probably isn't going to be your best route. Not because we don't have full Anglo newborns in need of good homes. Not because it would take too long. That's not the point. We're not about finding "acceptable" children for homes that want them; it's about finding acceptable homes for children that need them.

While today's caller assured our staff they'd gladly "wait as long as it took" to get their desired white-baby-only, the truth is that the majority of birthparents with whom Abrazo works wouldn't feel comfortable placing with someone who could only love a white-skinned child just because it was a white-skinned child. (And neither would we, frankly.)

It may be a hard pill to swallow, but we'd rather shoot straight with the folks we don't feel qualified to "help."

And continue to focus our best efforts on serving the needs of those children whom we can.

(Whatever those little ones' skin tones might be.)

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I just cannot believe someone would have the audacity to tell you what your moral obligation is! Did they really think they were entitled to your services?

I am so over this sense of entitlement that so many people have these days. I have seen it a lot with the teenagers I teach. (though less so where I am now) I think its time we start teaching people that they have responsibilities as well as rights and that you cannot have one without the other. And just because you may want something doesn't mean it is someone else's job to give it to you.

Angela, you go girl! You rock!

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What amazes me is.......that people are not cognizent of a region's demographics before they make such calls and reveal their....for lack of a better word....ignorance. Hello.............San Antonio's population is over 50% Hispanic.......include Del Rio and El Paso to the West and Brownsville and Corpus Christi to the South and........ hello.........what does that tell you?????????? Even the city names San Antonio, Del Rio, El Paso and Corpus Christi are Spanish!! Get a clue!!!

Sign us: Anglo parents to a beautiful 100% El Paso born Hispanic/Mexican-American gal!! And proud of it!!!

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. . .we'd rather shoot straight with the folks. . .

One of the very reasons we chose Abrazo :D

Shame on that individual for giving Angela such a hard time. No one should give anyone that hard of a time! While I'm sure it was a challenge for Angela to be professional with a caller like that, I'm sure she managed to be so.

Cathy

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Well I've just now found yet another reason why I want to adopt through Abrazo.

I am SO proud of your agency for doing this, it's not about money, or wait time.

Wow...just...wow. Shame on the caller, but LEAD THE WAY Abrazo!!!!

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I certainly don't agree with the caller's philosophy or their apparent behavior, I am so very grateful for the education that I have received from Abrazo that has done wonders to open my mind in open and transracial adoption. Maybe this call was the beginning of educating this couple. I understand their desire to be parents...no matter how long it takes. Thank you ladies of Abrazo for standing your ground and giving those less brilliant people (myself included) something to think about.

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I recently talked to a lady at the doctors office who's friends paid $80,000 for a white baby that they got quickly. Like 7 months. I was astounded. :o They appearantly went through a facilitator that we tried using and had a bad experience with.

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Abrazo's staff also turned down another case this week, proposed to us by a well-known East Coast adoption attorney.

Her wealthy adoptive clients have located a Houston-area birthmom due this fall, but need to hire a Texas agency to handle the case in order to make the requisite financial support legal (since it is illegal for anyone but a Texas-licensed adoption agency to provide maternity support to Texas birthmoms.)

While our licensure would enable us to handle this case, our ethics won't allow us to take it on, given this attorney's demands that the birthfamily be paid such exorbitant amounts of financial support.

$200 per week for groceries? $2200 per month for rent? and more for "incidentals"?

That's not "pregnancy help"-- it's a PAYOFF.

And that's not the type of adoption that Abrazo wants to get involved in; not for any fee, nor any reason!

They'll find some Texas agency willing to meet their demands, no doubt. But it won't be ours!

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That's not "pregnancy help"-- it's a PAYOFF.

And that's not the type of adoption that Abrazo wants to get involved in; not for any fee, nor any reason!

They'll find some Texas agency willing to meet their demands, no doubt. But it won't be ours!

Thanks for sticking to your ethics. So discouraging that you know they WILL find someone to help them with this scheme. . .

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Isn't the money issue something that could potentially disrupt or overturn an adoption?

Potentially, yes. But only if they get caught. <_<

And how likely is a birthparent who's profited financially in the course of an adoption, or an adoptive parent who's gained their desired child, to incriminate themselves by telling a court what transpired in the course of their placement?

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I'm so happy that Abrazo has such great ethics. You all seem to post things that I say all the time. We all want a child but we can't let these children just be bought. They need to know that they are wanted and that both their birth families and adoptive families want the best for them. It's nice to know that Abrazo truly has the child's best interests at heart.

Melissa

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I'm not sure I worded my previous post correctly. After reading it, the word "bought" just sounds so awful. I just meant that adoption should not be a payoff.

I'm so happy that Abrazo has such great ethics. You all seem to post things that I say all the time. We all want a child but we can't let these children just be bought. They need to know that they are wanted and that both their birth families and adoptive families want the best for them. It's nice to know that Abrazo truly has the child's best interests at heart.

Melissa

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I think you worded it just right. Children can't be bought. That's why we say there are no prices in adoption. There are costs and fees for services but no price tags on children.

It's also why some fees are non-refundable in the event of non-placement. Because the prospective adoptive parents weren't paying for the baby that wasn't, they were paying for the services that were already rendered.

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