When Agencies Turn People Down

[Stork Central]

For some excellent insight as to why/when adoption agencies or social workers might decline prospective adoptive parents, READ THIS.

At Abrazo, we appreciate that it is no small investment of time, hope and money that goes into sending an inquiry or application to any agency.

Putting yourself "out there" and sharing such personal information with relative strangers is not an easy undertaking. Then, you wait, anxiously, to find out whether or not you've been accepted, an answer (positive or negative) that never comes as quickly as one might hope. Those who are accepted step into a new circle of anxieties and fears and unknowns. Those whose paperwork is declined generally respond with disappointment, sadness or anger... all "normal" reactions. Yet the quest should not stop there for ready parents-to-be.

The truth is that no adoption agency can serve everyone who contacts them, nor should they. Being declined for services is no condemnation of one's desire to adopt nor their worthiness for parenting. It is simply one entity's admission of its probable inability to successfully provide the services being sought, for whatever reason.

In Texas, agencies are required to offer an explanation of the decision to decline potential clients, and alternative referrals upon request. At Abrazo, we feel it is our ethical responsibility to be painfully honest in redirecting those who would not fit well in our program, given our strong belief in openness as a permanent, post-adoption lifestyle. We try, when possible, to offer advice as to how such applicants could expand their horizons in order to better fit our program, but recipients are free to accept or reject our recommendations, of course.

We feel a strong obligation to protect our birthparents from the potential heartbreak of matching with people who see open adoption only as a means to an end; who intend to be secretive or raise children without access to and knowledge of their birthfamilies. We know what "types" of homes appeal to "our" birthparent population, and we seek to protect families outside of that definition from the agony of getting into a program wherein it is unlikely they will be chosen or placed in a reasonable span of time.

Being declined for services elsewhere does not preclude you from consideration at Abrazo, nor does it predestine you for rejection at every other agency. The challenge is to find an agency where you feel free to be yourself, where you truly embrace their placement philosophies and where you feel "at home." Sometimes what seems like a brick wall can really be the gateway to a whole new vista! After all, nonacceptance letters from the wrong places may be a blessing in disguise, if they help get you eventually find the "right" one. So don't give up! Keep the faith and continue your search, because all roads lead home, in the end!

[Guest BeachMama]

Thank you. Having come frrom a bad experience with another agency, it helps me to know that Abrazo understands WHY we felt we needed to keep trying!

Edited August 24, 2006 by BeachMama

[HeidiK]

I was turned down by three other agencies before finding Abrazo. They turned me down for multiple reasons - my budget, my "single status" and my religious affiliations. BOY OH BOY was I mad...but looking back they were really doing me a service. Not getting my hopes up, or taking money from me that would not have been returned. I was working with an agency in California that I had hoped would match me with a child, and did pay them upfront for 2/3 of their service fees, but after almost two years of waiting I struck out on my own. Mind you that they had facilitated the match with my oldest's birthmom, and I had high expectations for another match thru them. But for some reason they never had a full African American situations and I was being racial specific.

So I kept going, past the 3 rejections and found the son I was meant to have at the end, but I can say NOW that I appreciated their honesty. For me the waiting and rejection was immedicately erased when the RIGHT baby was lovingly placed in my arms.

Edited August 24, 2006 by HeidiK

[FeelingBlessed]

We once were initially turned down by an agency because we "didn't have a church home." The reality of the situation was that my husband and I had never moved our letter of membership from our small hometown church in Arkansas to the larger church we were attending in Memphis (where we lived at the time). Although we pleaded with the agency to speak with the Memphis minister in person so that he could verify our attendance and participation, the agency declined to do so, citing that the church had no "official record" of our membership.

I remember angrily saying to the social worker, "So you're telling me that if we move our membership letter to this church, you will accept us into your program", and she answered yes. I am ashamed now to say that we did move our membership letter, but it certainly was not for the right reason. We did it as "a means to an end" (as Elizabeth often puts it) so that we could be accepted into that agency's program. At that time, they were the only local agency who would consider us as prospective parents despite our ages (over 40), and we were getting d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e.

Thankfully, even with our less-than-pure motive, God saw fit to watch over us. As it turned out, we ended up being matched with a wonderful birthmother who wanted more openness than this agency usually touted. So, to accommodate her wishes (and ours), the agency actually changed its operating rules to allow us to meet in person and form a "semi-open" relationship (which meant no sharing of last names and supervised visits in the agency's offices). That was one good thing that came out of our being declined at first -- had we been accepted off the bat, we probably wouldn't have matched with this particular birthmom who believed in openness.

The second good thing that came out of this rejection was that we did end up developing a very close relationship with our Sunday School class in the larger church afer we moved our letter of membership. In fact, that relationship helped us survive the adoption plan falling through after the baby had been in our home for 3 days -- it helped us celebrate the adoption of our first daughter just 10 days later (through Abrazo) -- it sustained us through our second Abrazo placement (a boy) and subsequent disruption (after 11-1/2 months of parenting) due to my own serious illness and his special needs -- and it continues even to this day, although we have since moved away.

Being rejected is never pleasant, but oh how rewarding it can be to look back and see how the Master's plan fell perfectly into place and was so much more wonderful!

[TeyandTy's Mom]

This is some topic. Prior to my husband dying he and I pursed adoption strongly. However, we were turned down by every agency we spoke with . He was ill and they would not approve us. At the time I was soooo unbelievably mad. Looking back I can see why. I just thought would would have been wonderful parents together. That was not to be.

I chose to continue my quest to adopt two years after his death. I was turned down by several agencies at the initial phone call. I would call and they would say we don't think we can help you at this time. I was just about to give up when a friend told me about Abrazo. They welcomed me and my single self with open arms.

........and now they can't get rid of me.

Sabrina

[ElizabethAnn]

And what a nice problem for us to have!

[Garden of Hope]

This is some topic. Prior to my husband dying he and I pursed adoption strongly. However, we were turned down by every agency we spoke with . He was ill and they would not approve us. At the time I was soooo unbelievably mad. Looking back I can see why. I just thought would would have been wonderful parents together. That was not to be.

I chose to continue my quest to adopt two years after his death. I was turned down by several agencies at the initial phone call. I would call and they would say we don't think we can help you at this time. I was just about to give up when a friend told me about Abrazo. They welcomed me and my single self with open arms.

........and now they can't get rid of me.

Sabrina

I, too, was turned down by a local agency that no longer exists as it was. Abrazo is one of the few agencies that looks past marital status and age. Phew, are we single girls (not to mention, this single girl isn't a spring chicken anymore) ever blessed because of that!

[ElizabethAnn]

This is a tragic news story that illustrates (drastically!) the other side of this question: what happens if some applicants aren't declined for services but should be: The Sad Tale of Jerry's Short Life & the Mom Who Killed Him.

Nobody's perfect, and while most homestudies steer clear of highlighting imperfections, most adoption workers have a pretty realistic perspective yet strive to see good in everyone, not wanting to unfairly deprive someone of the parenting experience just because of past problems. However, it's stories like these that send chills down the spine of adoption professionals like us.

So please, know that we know: not every applicant we decline has the capacity to injure (or kill) a child. We sometimes miss out on the chance to work with (and learn from) some amazing folks, who've been through some very trying times and come out on top and have plenty of love to give! And some of these folks we must turn down simply because what they need and what we can offer just don't quite fit, for reasons even we can't articulate.

But for as invasive or as insulting as the application process may be, those of us who work in adoptions just can't be too careful.

Kids like Jerry and stories like his are the reason why.

[TheEnglishes]

This is a tragic news story that illustrates (drastically!) the other side of this question: what happens if some applicants aren't declined for services but should be: The Sad Tale of Jerry's Short Life & the Mom Who Killed Him.

Nobody's perfect, and while most homestudies steer clear of highlighting imperfections, most adoption workers have a pretty realistic perspective yet strive to see good in everyone, not wanting to unfairly deprive someone of the parenting experience just because of past problems. However, it's stories like these that send chills down the spine of adoption professionals like us.

So please, know that we know: not every applicant we decline has the capacity to injure (or kill) a child. We sometimes miss out on the chance to work with (and learn from) some amazing folks, who've been through some very trying times and come out on top and have plenty of love to give! And some of these folks we must turn down simply because what they need and what we can offer just don't quite fit, for reasons even we can't articulate.

But for as invasive or as insulting as the application process may be, those of us who work in adoptions just can't be too careful.

Kids like Jerry and stories like his are the reason why.

Unbelievable!!!!!!!! I am speechless. Thank you Abrazo chicks for being so diligent in what you do. And for looking out for the children.

[tksimmons02]

Reading stories like that makes me appreciate the gravity of our Social Worker's position and the delicate balance you ladies have to make with each PIW.

Going through the homestudy/adoption process felt very invasive. I was really upset about all the personal questions and suppositions made about our characters. I am a very private person by nature, so discussing everything from my own childhood to our marital intimacies with strangers was in the least distasteful to me. It never occured to me that there was a good reason for all these invasions.

The world is a much darker place than I give it credit for sometimes.

Thanks girls for being so careful!

[ElizabethAnn]

Abrazo simply cannot be the "right" fit for every potential adoption consumer, but the fact that we may not be the "right" agency for you doesn't mean your home won't be the "right" place for some child in need somewhere! so if you have not qualifed for services within our program, don't give up on adoption, if you're certain you're called to parent. Just keep searching for an adoption resource that's better suited to meet your needs than our program.

Here are some of the most common reasons Abrazo had to decline applicants over the past year:

* prospective adoptive parents have little or no genuine commitment to open adoption / demonstrate no interest in continued relationship and/or contact with birthparents after placement

* application contained false, erroneous or incomplete information

* applicants' references or other corroborating sources indicated potential problems of a significant nature

* applicants' expectations of adoption OR desired child specifications incompatible with agency's mission statement or placement resource needs

* applicants' stated infertility diagnosis did not preclude medical likelihood of pregnancy occurrence

* applicants did not fit agency's admissions criteria (ex: were not 25 or older, were married less than a year, did not have documented infertility, etc.)

* applicants' resources insufficient to meet probable adoption costs

* alumni who took placement through Abrazo previously have since failed to comply with terms of entrustment agreement (i.e., annual reports, ongoing commitment to openness, demonstrated upholding of agency's work through continued involvement in/support of adoption community, etc.)

Upon request, Abrazo staff will gladly offer recommendations of other available adoption programs to those for whom we cannot offer acceptance status, for whatever reason. Just ask us!

[Dale and Amanda]

What a horrible thing to happen to a child!

Denial is one of the things that scares me at this point. Thank you for posting this information and letting us know that one denial doesn't mean all will. I am fairly new to the adoption world, but I have a sweet friend that has been there and is walking beside me!

Elizabeth, thank you so much for being in Memphis last Wednesday. I enjoyed hearing (and seeing) your passion for adoption and speaking with you afterward.

Edited November 14, 2006 by Dale and Amanda

[MarkLaurie]

Thanks Abrazo for staying true to your mission. And thanks for bearing with us when we are newbies and may not always "get-it" at first.

[MarceloandClaudia]

Just the thought of Abrazo NOT being the fit for us, gives me the willies! I couldn't imagine building our family any other way except through open adoption with Abrazo. At the same time, I can also understand how every family's situation is different and not every shoe can and will fit all of us all the time! Thanks Abrazo for showing us that just because it's not with you, doesn't mean it's not right!

Claudia

[Stork Central]

Out of England: Can Agencies Be Too Choosey When It Comes to Children's Best Interests? You be the judge.

[mbell]

"It’s so hurtful. They want super-families, not normal people.”

Now maybe our wonderful social workers will understand why we worry about every question that is asked and wonder if we are "good enough" when everything is scrutinized and we feel under the microscope.

I understand having standards, and I appreciate agencies trying to provide the best home environments possible for children, but normal people have foibles, and some are easy to hide, and some (like smoking) are not. So, who's to say that he (the man in the story) might not have the very best of every intangible quality that makes a good parent, but one visible "flaw" that ultimately disqualifies him.

Of course, I don't have the answer. Rules are rules. After all, we had to provide doctor's confirmation of the probability of normal life expectancy -- but that doesn't seem to be the point here.

If a person has a habit that is physically detrimental to him and makes every effort for it not to harm a child placed with him, then I feel badly that he and his wife/partner are denied a chance at a family.

[ElizabethAnn]

Out of England: a former nanny finds her application to adopt is turned down because of concerns regarding her physical fitness. How Much Does Mobility Matter?*

If you were an adoption professional (or a birthparent) looking for the optimal home in which to place a child, how relevant or irrelevant would an prospective parents' size or mobility be, in your evaluation of what constitutes the best possible home for any potential placement?

*(According to conversion tables, 127 kg = 280 lbs.)

[marthaj]

There are just so many more aspects involved to parenting than one's physical size and appearance alone. I hope that is not the only criteria they used to evaluate her suitability.

What does her personal physician, or physical evaluation, state? What are her blood pressure readings, resting heart rate, risk factors for stroke and heart attack, blood sugar levels etc? Just having trouble getting out of a chair is certainly not an objective evaluation!

[KeithandErika]

I agree, Martha. I would definately want to know if there were any health issues raised because of her weight, but if the prospective parents are otherwise fit and healthy I don't see any reason to turn them away. When we begin discriminating on weight, anyone can be turned away - smokers, people who drink, people who don't exercise, etc. Where would it stop? Parents come in all shapes and sizes, regardless if they are parents through adoption or parents through conception!

[varnervol]

I agree. But I truely wish that people who can get pregnant with the drop of a hat, had to jump through some of the hoops we have to to adopt a child. Actually, I take that back because then we wouldn't have our precious little ones. But I do think about it every time something like this happens.

[monamarie]

Out of England: a former nanny finds her application to adopt is turned down because of concerns regarding her physical fitness. How Much Does Mobility Matter?*

If you were an adoption professional (or a birthparent) looking for the optimal home in which to place a child, how relevant or irrelevant would an prospective parents' size or mobility be, in your evaluation of what constitutes the best possible home for any potential placement?

*(According to conversion tables, 127 kg = 280 lbs.)

In a perfect world people would not be judged by their physical appearance however, in this instance I think that it is important that this woman's physical capabilities be taken into consideration. I would emphasize that my concerns are about her abilities (it's not her size that would matter.) I think we have to look beyond, at what health issues could arise for a person of that size (and there could be plenty) and also take a look at the difficulties completing daily tasks that are involved in raising a child.

The mere fact that the woman could not rise out of a chair with ease leads me to ponder what would happen if the child needed immediate assistance and it took too long for her to get there. What if her child was choking? or if she had a child with special needs who needed a lot of tending to and physical ability is needed on her part to care for that child?

I'm not saying that what the agency did was right or wrong, however I would not be too quick to judge them on what they saw when going to that woman's home.

No one is saying she's not worthy of parenting. But would this really be an optimal situation for a child to be in? And other than what was stated about her mobility, she is a single woman, which leads me to question what would happen to the child if her size compromised the longevity of her life? Is that really fair to the child, especially one who's already lost one set of parents?

[Lisa2]

If this is a valid point then the majority of GRANDPARENTS & GREAT GREAT GRANDPARENTS are not fit to care for their own grandchildren, no matter how they became part of the family. That would mean no more overnights if granny can't move quick as a bunny.

I think they should be ashamed.

Edited April 5, 2007 by Lisa2

[Jada]

I am sorry and I may offend some people but I do believe if the woman has mobility problems that she may not be suitable at this time to parent a child. If I was placing my child with somebody I would want to make sure that this person could get to that child if needed and could handle running after that child during its toddler years etc... The weight is not a problem for me at all, it is the mobility issue. And as far as elderly people taking care of grandchildren etc... I also think this applies. I personally had to have my aunt stop watching my son because she was not able to keep up with him anymore. It put him in danger because she could not get to him fast enough when he started to get into things. I don't think these people should be ashamed at all. I think that if they denied her simply because she was overweight without personally seeing what she was capable of THEN they should think twice. But I do not believe that is the case. Just my opinion.

[ElizabethAnn]

I appreciate your candor, Jada... your remarks about your aunt brought back fond memories of all the trouble my brother and I got away with, when my parents were naive enough to leave us with an elderly, obese babysitter years ago. Fanny, the elderly church secretary who sometimes sat for us, was tall and slender and didn't hesitate to come up and check things out if we made a peep. But Frida, bless her heart, was just too big to climb the manse stairs, so at bedtime, she'd have us get our jammies on and come downstairs to say goodnight, and then we were sent up to bed, scot free to get into anything (until we heard the garage door go up, meaning Mom and Dad were home!!! Then we'd dive into bed and pretend we'd been sleeping angelically all night long.)

If I were forced to choose an adoptive parent for my sons, I would be very hesitant to select someone who wasn't physically able to keep up with them, to get down on the floor and play with them, whose lifestyle or genetics* made it less likely they'd still be available to watch over my children through adulthood. I do believe these factors (parental mobility/age/health) are appropriate concerns for adoption professionals and birthparents to consider, whether or not the general population is conscientious and child-minded enough to factor them in before reproducing or not.*)

Because if I couldn't raise my children myself, I'd dream of someone even better replacing me, and that would require an 'optimal' candidate. Which is not to say those with different qualifications are less deserving of the opportunity to parent, if that's their dream. But it does imply that the best adoption matches are those in which folks' dreams for the child/ren they share are evenly yoked, to whatever extent that's possible.

* my own background being a case in point!

[Jada]

Since I am a birthmother and possibly look at things a little differently I agree with Elizabeth about "optimal" adoptive parents. I placed 2 children and I picked parents who were all around "better" than I was. They were in better shape,they had more money,they seemed to have good marraiges and could give my children what I couldn't. Now that I am on the other side and trying to adopt and foster children I am having to so called "go through the hoops". And I must be honest my opinion has not changed. And because I am also fostering I may be going through more hoops than just adoptive parents. I also had to go through many hours of classes along with now doing the homestudy,background check,fingerprinting and physicals as do my kids(physicals and background and fingerprinting for my 18 year old). Not only do I have to do this but anybody who may babysit the children I foster also have to do the background checks and fingerprinting. And I look at it as a blessing to be able to do all of this for children who may need my help and to ultimately adopt in the future.I have to take classes every year not just once. I not only have to write a birthmother letter but if we want a child to stay with us or to adopt an older child we also write letters to them. And the reason I look at all of this as a blessing is because to me it means my life is in a much better place than it was even 3 years ago. To me, to be able to even go through all of this and make it is a huge accomplishment for me, I have come a long way!!!! And now that I am unable to have any more children biologically, I am willing to do anything and everything that is asked of me to have more children in my family. And I will do it all with out complaint because the end result is what I am striving for. And in the end I also realize I may not measure up to somebody's standards and still may not be able to adopt and that is alright too because if I am not the "best" person in the eyes of a birthparent to parent their child then I shouldn't be parenting them because they deserve the BEST!!! We all also need to realize that you don't have to be the best to everybody just to one (or two)person(people) and everbody's "ideal parent" is different. Again if I offended anybody I am sorry but to me this is very important. The rules are there for a reason and I honestly think everything anybody has to go through to adopt is nessesary(sp?) and also worth it in the end.