Interfaith Families

[ElizabethAnn]

Just thought it might be helpful to start a thread to explore ideas, issues and questions that interfaith families have faced, as they seek to establish a healthy religious foundation for their children.

My mother's father was a Russian Jew, who married an Irish Catholic; their twin daughters later became a Catholic nun and a Presbyterian minister's wife, while their sons went Catholic and Unitarian. My father's family, staunch Germans, were part of the Christian Reformed Church and later became Presbyterians, the faith in which I grew up and to which I belong today.

I wish I'd been raised with more awareness of the Jewish tradition, not because I would become practicing, but because I think it is my cultural legacy. I wonder if some adoptees feel a similar longing for exposure to their birthparents' backgrounds (religious or cultural)?

I married a Catholic, thinking that because we worshipped the same God, love would resolve any faith-based conflicts we might have. But when I went through RCIA and joined his church, I found it very difficult to negotiate the intrinsic differences in doctrine between my religion and his, and this became a challenge, as well, when it came to our spiritual values in parenting. I'd read all the books on interfaith marriage before the wedding, but somehow, didn't anticipate the struggles I encountered in real life.

I'm curious whether other folks have gone through this? and how they managed? I know it can work. It just didn't, for me, so I admire those who make a success of it.

[varnervol]

I am in an interfaith marriage and it is working on its 12th year.

When I was growing up I was taught that you married your own “kind” and then you don’t have as many problems. My parents were not against other religions but they came from very strong deep roots in the Methodist Church. My mother’s parents were both minister’s. On my father’s side is the first bishop of the Methodist church. Very deep.

Craig came from an interfaith marriage. Craig and his father’s family are “crib” Catholics. Craig’s mother was a non-practicing Baptist before and after she was married. I think it was about 6 years ago she went through RCIA and joined the church.

When we started talking marriage we discussed our religion. Craig, like your ex, didn’t see any differences in the church. I on the other hand had studied world religions in depth in high school. I could see many differences and he could not explain them to me. Our eventual compromise was that we would raise our children Catholic but not with blinders on. They are to understand their religion and to be aware of the beliefs and practices of other religions.

In the beginning of our marriage I had to push Craig out the door on many occasions because he would have been happy being an Easter/Christmas Catholic (not my up bringing), until we found “our” church. There was a priest at that church that helped us not through counseling but his sermons. Every Sunday we would come out of church discussing what he taught us. Craig and I learned to respect each other’s opinions. We have since moved to another Catholic Church and we are both very active in this church. Even though I am not Catholic I have thrown myself into this church as this is my family’s church.

[Anne Owens]

We are also an interfaith family. My husband, Gene is of the reform Judiasm faith and I am Roman Catholic (and from a large Irish Cathoilc family). My step-daughters were raised Jewish and our 2 sons, Josh and Michael are being raised Catholic. This is a great topic. As a family, we try to honor the traditions of both faiths -- and blend our spiritual values --- and model those values for our children. It is not always easy.

Early on in our marriage, I attended an Introduction to Judiasm class at Gene's temple. I learned about both the history and the cultural traditions of the Jewish faith, which in turn helped me to understand and participate in the Jewish holidays and to be an active member in helping Gene carry-on the Jewish traditions with our family. My in-laws also taught me some Yiddish, which I enjoy using from time to time.

A big challenge for us was in finding a catholic church that was more "liberal" in their doctrine and therefore, more accepting of us as a spiritual interfaith family and a multi-cultural family. After some "church shopping", we settled on a church in our town that is very multi-cultural in both the parishoners and in the staff of the church. There are Sunday Masses in both english and spanish and the church offers an array of social and recreational services to the community. It is not a perfect match to family spirtual values, but it is closer than other churches in the area. Josh (age 7) is attending religious education classes at our church, after school one afternoon a week. It is a struggle each week to get him to attend the classes and he resists going to church each Sunday. He is beginning to notice the differences in values between home and the church and he is wondering whether he should be raised Jewish instead of Catholic. I wonder if it is because we are not a strictly Catholic home, as we also honor some Jewish traditions like the Jewish holidays, Friday shabbot dinners, engaging in mitzvahs, etc. And, our family values might be considered more liberal than other Catholic families.

So, is our family a successful interfaith family? No, I think we will always be a work in progress. However, that is ok -- it means we continue to explore who we are and what we may become.

[marthaj]

He is beginning to notice the differences in values between home and the church and he is wondering whether he should be raised Jewish instead of Catholic.  I wonder if it is because we are not a strictly Catholic home, as we also honor some Jewish traditions like the Jewish holidays, Friday shabbot dinners, engaging in mitzvahs, etc.  And, our family values might be considered more liberal than other Catholic families.

33235[/snapback]

Anne,

As I understand it, the Jewish faith is passed through the mother, so since you are not of the Jewish faith, there is really not a requirement that he be brought up in that faith.

We are Catholic (my husband is a "cradle" Catholic, I joined the Catholic church through the RCIA program in 1990 before we were married) and for many years our parish held a Jewish "seder" meal on the Monday of Holy Week. I believe many Christian demoninations have adopted the seder as part of Holy Week activities.

I think you can teach Judeo-Christian ethics without diminishing one faith over another. (For example, the Ten Commandments are timeless, and are used by both the Jewish and Christian faiths as a moral standard.) If you can approach it from the aspect of what the two religions share in common, then perhaps Josh will feel less "anxious" about which path to take.

Edited March 20, 2006 by marthaj