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Things Infertile Folk Hate to Hear


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. . .They said "Adopting huh? That's Hard. That takes a long time" They were completely in the mindset that we were in the 1-2 year wait for a baby from overseas :rolleyes: . I would gladly have taken a "Oh, okay" or "Oh, that's great. I hope it works out for you" as opposed to a "oh, that's hard".

I already know how 'hard' it is. If only I too could get people to see the bigger picture.

-A

Guess they don't realize that if we are meant to have children we will--period :o

Cathy

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That happened to me too Toni and it had me so up in arms. People seemed like all our problems were fixed and that adopting Louisa was just second best. I had a friend / aquaintence who I had to cut off because when I was pregnant she'd always say "Oh, your gonna be a mom" or "when you have your kid, you'll....." kind of statements, I told her like 5 times "I am a mom". Um...hellooooooooo. It was so frustrating because she just was totally oblivious, but I could not handle it and we weren't that close anyway. Our baby was stillborn and didn't make it for various reasons (we had a better chance of hitting the lottery then what happened), but our chances of pregnancy we were told was like 2 to 5% on our own, then when it happend we had the 1% of what happened to our baby. Needless to say, me and odds seem to struggle here and there. But, I heard all the comments too and they were very hard because I did have a daughter and a family, we just thought it'd be another member.

Adam, I feel bad that's the response you got. It either tends to be a really happy one or a really scary one. You truly never know whats gonna come out of someone's mouth. I think people tend to think international more then domestic simply because you hear about them more and they are normally more obvious as older children, or physcial differences, I think anyway. I was amazed in the adoptive families magazine that more kids are adopted domestically then internationally, you do think domestic is less. Although, neither is wrong or right or a competition in my mind. Kids are kids!

We should write a book for Friends and Family of those adopting or going through infertiltiy. It would probably be really helpful. Or pamphlets you could give out to others. There was a website I had found when we were going through our infertility and it was for family. I gave it to mine and it seemed to be what made the difference. I emailed it out to people and handed it to my parents. I just wanted them to know that this is what it's like.

Jenny

Edited by LovingBoo
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Adam, I feel bad that's the response you got. It either tends to be a really happy one or a really scary one. You truly never know whats gonna come out of someone's mouth.

Thanks Jenny. I don't let it bother me. I just kind of shrug it off as I know the many blessings that await us when our child (and Birthmother) finds us :)

-A

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Adam, I feel bad that's the response you got. It either tends to be a really happy one or a really scary one. You truly never know whats gonna come out of someone's mouth.

Thanks Jenny. I don't let it bother me. I just kind of shrug it off as I know the many blessings that await us when our child (and Birthmother) finds us :)

-A

We're stronger because of our struggles and hopefully have become better people due to adoption.

Jenny

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We're stronger because of our struggles and hopefully have become better people due to adoption.

Jenny

I agree :) . It is certainly a process I feel I have grown from and has enlightened me in so many ways (I'm not claiming to be all-out 'enlightened' though ;) ).

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We're stronger because of our struggles and hopefully have become better people due to adoption.

Jenny

I agree :) . It is certainly a process I feel I have grown from and has enlightened me in so many ways (I'm not claiming to be all-out 'enlightened' though ;) ).

We're on our way though ;) Seriously though, I feel I am a much better person then I would have been had we not had adoption enter our lives. It opens your eyes to the real beauty of true love and living, in my opinion.

Jenny

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My least favorite thing I have heard to date is "I am concerned about how you will handle having a baby if you are having this much trouble dealing with infertility." I also got very upset at work. There was a lecture being given by an unnamed infertility specialist in the Memphis area who spoke on treatment options. He began his introduction to egg donor by saying and for those who want to experience the JOY of pregnancy then there is egg donor. His introduction, of course, made the entire audience laugh. It made me so upset because he could have introduced it a different way and educated people on infertility issues. I am so glad I saw a different doctor since he is so insensitive.

Traci

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My least favorite thing I have heard to date is "I am concerned about how you will handle having a baby if you are having this much trouble dealing with infertility."

Good grief! THat is one I hadn't heard, but it is up there with some other doozies!! How terribly rude and insensitive!

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Wow! Some of the things that people say. Ugh...... Infertility is hard, no matter what anyone says. I think that some people deal with it easier than others. I know what made me and my husband accept our "unexplained infertility" (we're a medical mystery to all the doctors) was the realization that everything happens for a reason. Chance/fate/luck brought our children ito our lives through the absolute miracle of adoption and reaffirmed our belief in a higher being.

Just my thoughts,

Tamra

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My least favorite thing I have heard to date is "I am concerned about how you will handle having a baby if you are having this much trouble dealing with infertility."

I've seen some things that make my jaw drop, but this is one of the most insanely stupid comments I've ever heard of.

When confronted with dunces like this, just walk away. Traci, I'm sorry you ever had to hear anything so mean.

This person is an idiot.

I know what made me and my husband accept our "unexplained infertility" (we're a medical mystery to all the doctors) was the realization that everything happens for a reason. Chance/fate/luck brought our children ito our lives through the absolute miracle of adoption and reaffirmed our belief in a higher being.

Just my thoughts,

Tamra

Tamra, we were in the same boat, and feel the exact same way. We've commented on this in talks before religious groups that the "unexplained fertility" and our adoption journey were our challenge, and it was our blessing to accept it.

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How about the comment "Why do you want to have (adopt) a baby anyway? You've got such a great life as it is, why do you want to mess it up?" usually said by stressed out relatives/friends, who are up to their own necks in diaper duty, or teenage rebellion, or homework hassles, or financial debt, or marital problems, or illness, and they just assume their lives would be more stress-free without the added responsibilities of parenthood (a little of the "grass is always greener on the other side" way of thinking!)

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How about the comment "Why do you want to have (adopt) a baby anyway? You've got such a great life as it is, why do you want to mess it up?" usually said by stressed out relatives/friends, who are up to their own necks in diaper duty, or teenage rebellion, or homework hassles, or financial debt, or marital problems, or illness, and they just assume their lives would be more stress-free without the added responsibilities of parenthood (a little of the "grass is always greener on the other side" way of thinking!)

To myself, I say "if my mom and dad didn't have children, I wouldn't be here." :angry:

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I know what made me and my husband accept our "unexplained infertility" (we're a medical mystery to all the doctors) was the realization that everything happens for a reason. Chance/fate/luck brought our children ito our lives through the absolute miracle of adoption and reaffirmed our belief in a higher being.

So true, Tamra!!! I totally agree with you!!!

Jenny

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I know what made me and my husband accept our "unexplained infertility" (we're a medical mystery to all the doctors) was the realization that everything happens for a reason. Chance/fate/luck brought our children ito our lives through the absolute miracle of adoption and reaffirmed our belief in a higher being.

So true, Tamra!!! I totally agree with you!!!

Jenny

I agree with everything you all said about this. As painful as it has been, I would not change it. I too agree that everything happens for a reason. Traci

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I'm right there with y'all. As much as I wanted the experience of carrying and giving birth to a child, if I had been able to do that I wouldn't have exactly the child that I have now. Since I first saw her I've felt strongly that exactly this child was meant to be mine and me to be hers...and I know that my husband feels the same way.

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Yes. I could not figure out how to say that last night because I don't know my child yet but this is exactly what I was trying to say. Traci

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People who have not been through the adoption process are clueless. Once you match with a birthmom, experience them relinquishing their rights (hardest day of birthparent and adoptive family life), and then take home your baby, you are a parent who has been through labor. Adoption labor is very different than natural labor, but labor none the less.

I have a friend who is determined to let me know that I have no idea how painful labor is. She is the one clueless....I would push and be in pain for hours to know that our birthmom did not have to go through what she went through and is still struggling with. She also didn't have to experience the first 3 1/2 months of her daughters life in wonder of was the court going to give Andrew to his birthfather (who was in prison) instead of relinquish his rights. That was an awful time of worry, for us the adoptive parents and for our birthmother. She was still trying to have a relationship with him and he was contesting everything she felt.

Labor....you go through it no matter how you become a parent.

Enough on my soap box!!!!

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Ok I don't know if I qulify as so called "infertile". I have given birth to 5 children but I am no longer able to have any more because I had my tubes tied. My husband and I want more children and are wanting to adopt. I guess my big thing with people's comments is,when we tell them this they say." Why? Are you crazy? You already have three, isn't that enough? Besides your tubes could always come untied and you could get pregnant then." First of all I didn't know there was a limit to how many children I should have. And secondly my tubes have been tied for almost 6 years and haven't come "untied" yet. Just because I got married I don't think they are going to somehow just all go back to the way they were.

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I've even had people that have a lot of experience with infertility make the following comment to me (since I'm now 32 weeks pregnant). "Yeah, that (pregnancy) happens all the time to those people with 'unexplained infertility'. " That's funny, my doctor sure didn't think my infertility was "unexplained." Adoption/Pregnancy --- it all has some serious labor pains. Comments like really get me heated under the collar. Because to me those people are forgetting what a complete MIRACLE that all of it (adoption/pregnancy) is!!

As Celeste stated so eloquently CLUELESS!!!

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Amen Monica, Celeste and Toni! Our children are the children we were meant to have, regardless of how they came into the world or into our families. That IS the beauty of the miracle. I still get upset with people for not "getting it" -- and tons of people don't, even close friends and some family -- but now I sorta feel more sorry for them than I do angry. They're missing out on so much love!

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Because to me those people are forgetting what a complete MIRACLE that all of it (adoption/pregnancy) is!!

As Celeste stated so eloquently CLUELESS!!!

So true. That's the most irritating thing to me is how many people take the miracle of life for granted. Or the one's who claim to own their children, because THEY created them. Children are a gift from God, created by God and noone else. We are just blessed to be a part of their lives through adoption or pregnancy.

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Ok I don't know if I qulify as so called "infertile". I have given birth to 5 children but I am no longer able to have any more because I had my tubes tied. My husband and I want more children and are wanting to adopt. I guess my big thing with people's comments is,when we tell them this they say." Why? Are you crazy? You already have three, isn't that enough? Besides your tubes could always come untied and you could get pregnant then." First of all I didn't know there was a limit to how many children I should have. And secondly my tubes have been tied for almost 6 years and haven't come "untied" yet. Just because I got married I don't think they are going to somehow just all go back to the way they were.

Jada,

Maybe your considered "voluntarily infertile". :lol::lol::P:P I think it's great you guys are going to adopt. Is this something your currently exploring or something in the near future? It will be exciting, that is for sure. What is so crazy, is just the value other people put on birthed children to going the adoption route. Like "why in the h-e-l-l would you adopt if you can birth." Them people have no idea the joys and beauty they are missing out on.

I had one person tell us we didn't try enough infertility treatments. Maybe not to them, but it was plenty for me and I didn't want to drag it on for years. We just wanted to be parents. My family was similar to another post on here, especially my parents, they wanted us to just skip the infertility and adopt from the beginning. I wish I would have listened, well...actually, no I don't...I needed to try something and I wouldn't have my daughter right now had I not followed "our path". We all are on one(path), we just don't know where it's going.

Jenny

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Here's one that drives me a little crazy & proves that others have no idea what infertility is like ..... "Keep trying, that's the fun part!"

They clearly don't realize that "the fun part" after a while is not so much fun given that the spontaneity & romance

quickly gives way to "it's that time, let's go." As my husband says, "it's like being a trained seal"

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Here's one that drives me a little crazy & proves that others have no idea what infertility is like ..... "Keep trying, that's the fun part!"

They clearly don't realize that "the fun part" after a while is not so much fun given that the spontaneity & romance

quickly gives way to "it's that time, let's go." As my husband says, "it's like being a trained seal"

So true!!

I told a friend who was considering adoption, that it was great when we started in that direction because you could go back to having sex for fun again!

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Here's one that drives me a little crazy & proves that others have no idea what infertility is like ..... "Keep trying, that's the fun part!"

They clearly don't realize that "the fun part" after a while is not so much fun given that the spontaneity & romance

quickly gives way to "it's that time, let's go." As my husband says, "it's like being a trained seal"

I think infertility sex in attempt to conceive is about as bad as it can get for a married couple!!! Whoever said that definitely has no idea. It is amazing the release and fun that comes back to the bedroom when you do give up on trying. :lol:

Jenny

Edited by LovingBoo
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