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Things Infertile Folk Hate to Hear

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How about the comment "Why do you want to have (adopt) a baby anyway? You've got such a great life as it is, why do you want to mess it up?" ......they just assume their lives would be more stress-free without the added responsibilities of parenthood (a little of the "grass is always greener on the other side" way of thinking!)

Argh! :rolleyes:<_<

I don't know that I've heard this one directed to us, but I have heard this one and it just makes me want to say:

"Okay. Imagine your kids are no longer in your life. How does that feel? Would you be HAPPY?! NO! okay, then please- think before you speak. Now let's move on."

Actually I got one last night from my SIL who is in the hospital with complications regarding their forthcoming 3rd child.

She said "I think Everyone should have to experience preganancy at least once to know just how difficult it can be".

I said " I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY. ". She realized the way that came out and there was no need to apologize because she is and always has been on our biggest supporters of our adoption journey.

sometimes people just don't think before they speak.

-A

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Actually I got one last night from my SIL who is in the hospital with complications regarding their forthcoming 3rd child.

She said "I think Everyone should have to experience preganancy at least once to know just how difficult it can be".

I said " I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY. ". She realized the way that came out and there was no need to apologize because she is and always has been on our biggest supporters of our adoption journey.

sometimes people just don't think before they speak.

-A

I had a similar conversation with my SIL one time. She said "At least you don't have to experience swollen ankles, weight gain, and morning sickness". I basically responded the same way. It shut her up quick.

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I had a similar conversation with my SIL one time. She said "At least you don't have to experience swollen ankles, weight gain, and morning sickness". I basically responded the same way. It shut her up quick.

I had a "well, at least you got out of all the sleepless nights, that is the hard part". Since my daughter was 4 1/2 months when we brought her home, I guess I was lucky I missed that time. ?? :angry: :huh: ?? I said back to her "actually they still were sleepless nights and I sure would have much rather been up holding my baby then holding a picture and worrying!" People don't think sometimes.<_<

Jenny

Edited by LovingBoo

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We've commented on this in talks before religious groups that the "unexplained fertility" and our adoption journey were our challenge, and it was our blessing to accept it.

I love that John. I'm totally stealing it since we are also unexplained.

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I had a "well, at least you got out of all the sleepless nights, that is the hard part". Since my daughter was 4 1/2 months when we brought her home, I guess I was lucky I missed that time. ?? :angry: :huh: ?? I said back to her "actually they still were sleepless nights and I sure would have much rather been up holding my baby then holding a picture and worrying!" People don't think sometimes.<_<

Jenny

Okay, now that comment really gets under my skin. After we were blessed with Gracie's presence in our lives, it broke my heart to realize that I missed 1 single second of her life. I was blessed to meet Gracie when she was 7 minutes old. But I missed the first 39 weeks and 7 minutes of her life. And for that I was very sad. People don't get it and they certainly don't think!

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Here's one that drives me a little crazy & proves that others have no idea what infertility is like ..... "Keep trying, that's the fun part!"

They clearly don't realize that "the fun part" after a while is not so much fun given that the spontaneity & romance

quickly gives way to "it's that time, let's go." As my husband says, "it's like being a trained seal"

I think infertility sex in attempt to conceive is about as bad as it can get for a married couple!!! Whoever said that definitely has no idea. It is amazing the release and fun that comes back to the bedroom when you do give up on trying. :lol:

Jenny

So true, so true!

Hope

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We've commented on this in talks before religious groups that the "unexplained fertility" and our adoption journey were our challenge, and it was our blessing to accept it.

I love that John. I'm totally stealing it since we are also unexplained.

We are, too, and what you said is so true!

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EEEERRRRR :angry: Yesterday when I was talking with a dear friend, she was telling a story about someone, who was adopted. She went on to state that the woman had found her REAL parents..... Did I say EEERRRRR. Yes, I am sure you all have friends and family that also need much adoption education. She has said this same type of language several other times. I want to correct her so bad but not sure how to do so without hurting her feelings because she would never intentionally hurt mine and she adores Lauren.

Any suggestions on a polite response?

I know this is probably on the wrong thread since this is an infertility thread but not sure where else to put the comment.

Traci

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Traci,

Errrrr is right!!

Just thinking out loud here and with the benefit of time to think about it (as opposed to coming up with something on the spot)...I would probably say something like, "That's great that she was able to find her birthparents (or biological parents)...I think that is a connection that many adoptees long for that people who were not adopted don't always understand. (And if at this point she didn't correct herself on her choice of the word "real" as opposed to "birthparent" because sometimes people catch that on their own, I would add....) "But as a mom who adopted her children, I consider myself Joshua and Lydia's "real" mom. I know you didn't mean to imply otherwise, but sometimes our choice of words can be taken the wrong way."

At which point she would probably apologize and say that wasn't what she meant...and you could say, "I know you didn't, and people use it all the time, but to someone whose life has been blessed by adoption, it carries a different meaning."

To me, the idea is not to make her feel bad, but to give her the benefit of the doubt AND to help her think about her choice of words. I think people who are not familiar with adoption don't give it much thought and sometimes the "language" is foreign to them.

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Hi Traci,

you could just say...

the reality is children who were once adopted have two sets of real parents, how wonderful that she is able to know both, now.

Susan's response is so nice, not sure I could keep the conversation going that long. :blink:

Karen

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Traci,

I've heard "real" parents MANY times. GRRR is right.

I always just respond with "how nice that they found their birthparents. That biological link is important". Most people catch their mistake at that point, if not you might add "I am my child's real mom... I am the one that kisses boo boo's and tuck's her in at night - I'm not sure how much more "real" I can get!" That is usually good for at least some proper adoption language lessons.

Good luck!

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"how nice that they found their birthparents, their biological link is important".

I like this too.

Karen

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Both great responses!

Yeah, I do tend to be long-winded!! :rolleyes:

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I just join in the conversation but always refer to them as thier biological or birth parents. They normally catch it. If not, I mention it (people also just say "mom" or "dad" or "parents"). I usually am pretty nice about it. If it's someone I have many conversations with, I correct them for future use. If not, I will let them go on more before I correct them (I don't want people to feel stupid either).

It's easy for US to see the offense in it, but for people who have nevr thought twice about it, they don't know. Because of this, I usually stay nice & they learn from the language i use.

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Yeah, I do tend to be long-winded!! :rolleyes:

Never fear Susan! I've never found you to be long winded and I'd be willing to bet money that I'm much longer winded :D

As my coworkers can attest, I can write a novel just to say "YES" :):lol:

I like to think of it as being "very thorough" in my responses :D

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When I was waking up after having endometriosis surgery in the post-op room 3 weeks ago, the male nurse said...'She must be trying to get pregnant'. Nice. Even in my haze, I was like...'Really?!?!'.

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Oh geez Leah - what a thing to wake up to!

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