Things Infertile Folk Hate to Hear

[ckfmem]

I always hated, "Don't you want the feelings that go along with pregnancy." I am like DUH I wouldn't have tried to get pregnant for three years and go through infertility treatments if I didn't want that feeling.

However, I might not have experienced the physical side of pregnancy, but adoption is pregnancy in its own way. I have told several people don't ever think that adopted couples do not have labor pains and more.

My labor just started after Andrew was born rather than before. It also has been a 3 month long labor. How many pregnant people do you know that has a 3 month labor?

Edited January 24, 2006 by ckfmem

[MarceloandClaudia]

Bobbi,

You are right about giving people time to grieve and heal. I think most of my opinions are coming from being here on the Forum along with others who are experiencing what we have. When I first came to the Forum and Abrazo, I finally felt like I found people like me that could relate to what I had experienced. I felt like I fit in in if that makes sense. In the outside world, I got all the comments we are speaking about. When I talk about being honest and real with others, I guess I am talking about those here on the Forum. I know not everyone feels or believes as I do, but the way I looked at it... we had already spent so much time grieving for our lost children and wanting the one we were seeking through adoption. I just didn't really want to grieve anymore. I wanted to go forth with our goal. Even if that meant failed matches etc. The light at the end of the tunnel was finally in sight and I trusted what the gals at Abrazo shared with us... that it was not if, but when. It's not that I don't believe in grieving and then moving forward. I acknowledge that is VERY important to resolve issues. I think we had already gone through the toughest part. Now, we were here amongst people that understood us and could be honest with us, without feeling as if they were being ugly or did not understand where we were coming from. I think when someone is infertile, it is so easy to misinterpret what others from the outside may be saying. I think we are already on the defensive from the beginning. We feel like we have to explain or justify our actions or beliefs.

Of course, it bothered me when people questioned my fertility issues or later adoption beliefs, but not my forum friends. I enjoy these topics because it allows us to explore our own feelings about what we have gone through and how we will continue to deal with these issues.

I truly respect your opinion and thanks for shedding light on the subject.

Claudia

Edited January 24, 2006 by MarceloandClaudia

[Miller & Delaney's Mom]

Last night I was talking with a friend on the phone and she was talking about her relationship between her daughter and her daughter's father. She said "I am more connected and know my daughter better that he does because I carried her for 9 months" then she relized what she said and then told me "but you are a good mom too even if you didn't carry your children". Which I was like ok. But then she proceeded to say how much she knows her child and how much more she is loved because she carried her. I know the comments were meant toward me but her daughter's father but still it hurt!

[Angie]

I know from my experience that infertility can be really distructive to a person self worth and I was not a nice person at times and I took everything personally. When we were struggling to have the boys so many people would comment, of course with the best intentions, but I didn't want to hear that things were going to be okay because my heart was broken and I was shattered as a women. When I get the news that I was actually pregnant I was sure they got the test messed up. How could I be pregnant???? Of course I really was and I gave birth to my twins. I felt better about myself as a women but I still had the nagging voice telling me that it would never happen again for me. We wanted to have more children but I was really afraid that nagging voice I had heard for so many years would be true. When I finally got the courage to start with the treatments again all those feeling that I felt four years earlier came pouring back. People would tell me that at least I had the boys and I should be happy with that. Of course I overjoyed with my children but we felt that our family was not complete. I didnt' want to hear any negatives comments toward our decision to add to our family but of course people thought they should share. I realized in that moment the pain of infertility runs very deep and even though I had my older boys I still ached for that child that was meant to be in our family. I am so happy that I was not able to get pregnant again because it forced me to deal with all my emotions so that I would be ready for our next child to enter our family!!!

[cgrace]

I know this is slightly off the subject, but the discussion Claudia and Bobbi had made me think of the "comforting words" we heard after we lost our son. For those who don't know, our first pregnancy ended in an at-home birth of our 3 months premature son, Edwin. He was very strong and fought hard to stay with us, but we had to let him go after 41 short hours.

After Edwin's death, people would try to comfort us with some of the most inane comments, and I had to constantly remind myself that they were just ignorant, not mean. Here are a few:

"He probably would have had lots of health problems..." To which my mind was screaming, "And who are you to determine what problems do or don't make a life worth living or caring for."

"God needed another angel"--Okay, besides being stupid, this one is theologically way off base. Humans do not become angels. We are separate creations. Plus, how is this supposed to make me feel about God, that He took my son when he could make a new angel out of nothing.

With our second pregnancy, we had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. My sister-in-law has had 2 miscarriages at about the same time. With the second, her doctor told her that her body detected something wrong and essentially took care of it. Even this is far from comforting because now you know that your own body killed your baby.

Some of the least helpful statements come from those in the medical profession. Even my gynecologist said "you'll get pregnant" after I told him we had decided to adopt instead of pursuing more "aggressive" infertility treatments (that I had already told him we wouldn't do, anyway). He went on to say he'd keep his eye out for us for a prospective birthmother, that he was delivering a 15-year-old later that day, but her mother wouldn't let her place the baby, yada yada yada. If I hadn't been in such an awkward position, I might have kicked him.

As far as just plain stupid remarks about infertility, I've got to go with the majority on this one and say that the whole "Relax, you're trying to hard" mantra is beyond annoying.

Interesting topic with oh-so-many examples to bring up.

Christina

[Miller & Delaney's Mom]

Christian,

The worst comment I got after my miscarraige was from my mother in law. She told me, at my wedding shower, "This is just God's way of fixing his mistakes"

[Angie]

Jennifer,

I am so sorry that you had to hear something so hearful from family!!!! I know that family doesn't always understand what you are feeling but I think it is there job to be as supportive as possible.

[lindseyandjay]

Wow, Jennifer. That is such a horrible thing to say, and from your mother-in-law! I'm a very non-confrontational person, but if anyone ever says anything like that about my four miscarried babies, I will no doubt lose all the cool I've ever had! And to suggest that God would EVER make a mistake. Wow, that's a lot of nerve. I believe with all my heart that my four precious babies are alive and well at Jesus' side. Oh, to be there with them someday!!

[KMTM]

My personal favorite is, "Don't stop trying." Like my husband would appreciate us no longer having sex because we can't get pregnant. DUH!

[mummyx2]

Melissa,

I too had that experience. As a matter of fact, I was given a book written on that exact topic which stated that the reason we were not blessed with children was because we had unforgiven sexual sins in our past and God was punishing us.

My other all time favorite was the elderly woman at church who brought a magazine article to us to encourage my husband to eat more peas!!

pkk

[melissamerritt]

mummyx2,

Oh my goodness! I'm glad I didn't get the book, I might have thrown it !

[tera jo]

Ok..I am one of the forum friends that get on daily and never write anything. But the last few times I have gotten on this topic I can just feel my blood pressure going up. As I too have heard many of these DUMB things people say. One that broke my heart that hasn't been mentioned that was said to me was.... when God is ready for you to be a mom he will bless you with a baby.

Now don't get me wrong I know that God's timing is PERFECT but that statement made me feel like I was a bad person and when I GOT IT TOGETHER he would bless me!! Man, that one hurt. Some people!!!

[TeddyRae]

I just had a good thing said to me from another director/mother –

"It doesn't matter that I (meaning her) carried my child for nine months prior to my (her) son being born, we both still love our sons the same amount and that is what matters! And that means you should have the same instincts that I have when it comes to our sons.”

All I could say was I am so glad you said something so wonderful and you.

[Sandi & Scott]

I just had a good thing said to me from another director/mother –

"It doesn't matter that I (meaning her) carried my child for nine months prior to my (her) son being born, we both still love our sons the same amount and that is what matters!  And that means you should have the same instincts that I have when it comes to our sons.” 

All I could say was I am so glad you said something so wonderful and you.

27196[/snapback]

I was in the group last week that suggested this idea and we had some serious fun going over all of the "stupid" things that people say to you in momemts of ignorance or attempted concern.

1) Like everyone else we heard a lot of"dont stress about it and it will happen"

2) Go out and get drunk one night and you never know, it works for a lot of people who don't want to get pregnant.

3) Lots of suggested positions, usually from people who are the last people you wanted to talk about sex with.....

4) Everyone wants to suggest the Dr. that their friend used because they were able to get them pregnant (yes for some it works and for others it doesnt)

5) You see once you adopt you will get pregnant because I know someone this happened to

6) Does your husband wear boxers or briefs?

7) Has he tried ice in his shorts?

Then from loving but stupid friends who get pregnant by kissing (thank God they dont have access to this site to hear me dissing them)

1) You are so lucky that you dont have to go thru labor (said by a friend who for her second and third kid had a scheduled c-section)

2) You are lucky that you cant get pregnant (good friend said this while her twins and 5 year old were driving her crazy) POOR THING

I am so sad that you cant get pregnant, I am the opposite I cant stop getting pregnant (said by my insensitive sister)

Wow believe it or not I do have good friends and family, sometimes people just dont think.

[TexasLeather]

"God needed another angel"--Okay, besides being stupid, this one is theologically way off base. Humans do not become angels. We are separate creations. Plus, how is this supposed to make me feel about God, that He took my son when he could make a new angel out of nothing

THANK YOU!!!!! that is soooo true.

i am not a parent-in-waiting, but have been advised to read ALL the Forum, so that's how i came in here. and i have some thoughts of my own, if that's ok.

1) first off, ignorance is SO frustrating, but luckily, it usually only comes from those that have NO idea about the subject; have never been 'involved' with anyone in this situation.

2) secondly, STUPIDITY is just about inexcusable - they HAVE been exposed, but still refuse to face any/all facts about the subject.

3) JUST RELAX is what you're supposed to do when receiving a massage, or manicure, or watching a movie - NOT when it is about a LIFELONG commitment and LIFE-CHANGING decision.

4) if you were meant to have children, God would bless you with them - well, what is Abrazo for, then? and other agencies? does God want children in homes where they cannot or will not be provided for? or wanted? i don' thing so

5) God knows the timing of when you will have kids - well, YEAH, He does - goes back to the WHEN, not IF.

if i have spoken out of line, or offended anyone, i SINCERELY apologize, because if it weren't for all you wonderful people, my daughter would have no hope for the child she is carrying.

thank you, and God bless you all.

Robin

Edited February 15, 2006 by TexasLeather

[tksimmons02]

Way to go Robin!!

1. My personal favorite offensive comment.....said by my sister in law.... I just don't think I could love a baby that didn't come from me! I am so glad that you think you can!! WHATEVER! How anyone could NOT love a baby is beyond me!

2. . That's so nice! Good luck with that! (Would you say that if I were pregnant?)

3. You don't really want kids...They are a lot of trouble. I would just enjoy my life like it was if I were you (said by a friend with 3). So do you tell your own children that?

On getting pregnant, my mother (gotta love her) It's your pajamas! They are so Ugly! You need to wear something sexy to inspire the mood! Heck, if that's all it took I would dress in electrical tape all day long!

Go have a pitcher of Margaritas. That seems to work for everyone else.

[S&P Express]

My Mother in law said to us when we were on our way to Orientation. "I hope you get what you want this weekend." Scott turns to her and says "we are not going shopping for a baby" (which is so odd since she's adopted.)

Paula

[ckfmem]

Recently I told someone that Andrew was adopted and I got a weird look back.

So then I had to really make them look weird by saying...

Yeah, Andrew is loved by more pople than a child born from me could ever be. I then had to explain waht I meant. Duh....Andrew is loved my mommy (me) and daddy, his adoptive grandparents, and most importantly his birthparents and birthgrandparents. He has a huge family!!!!!

[THE MALAGUTI'S]

I'VE HAD OLDER WOMEN TELL ME "GOD BLESS YOU FOR DOING THAT" WHEN

THEY FOUND OUT NATE WAS ADOPTED. THEY WERE ONLY TOLD THIS CAUSE THEY

ASK " WHERE HE GOT HIS BEAUTIFUL BLACK, THICK HAIR AND TAN COMPLECTION?" NOW WHEN ASKED WE USUALLY JUST SAY FROM HIS OTHER RELATIVES.

[ElizabethAnn]

Joke of the Day for Progressive Families:

Why don't more kids brag about having birthparents?

Because then every kid would want some!!!

NOW WHEN ASKED WE USUALLY JUST SAY FROM HIS OTHER RELATIVES.

That's brilliant, Nancy... and it's true! Besides being a great answer that even a kid who was once adopted could learn to use easily...

Yeah, Andrew is loved by more pople than a child born from me could ever be. I then had to explain what I meant. Duh....Andrew is loved my mommy (me) and daddy, his adoptive grandparents, and most importantly his birthparents and birthgrandparents. He has a huge family!!!!!

Would that we might live to see a day when the word "adopted" conjures up in the public's mind a picture of kids that are extra-loved by a larger-than-average family clan-- rather than rejected foundlings who had to rely on the kindness of strangers to survive in the world!

[TeddyRae]

People say the craziest things!

[Guest mshirst]

Would that we might live to see a day when the word "adopted" conjures up in the public's mind a picture of kids that are extra-loved by a larger-than-average family clan-- rather than rejected foundlings who had to rely on the kindness of strangers to survive in the world!

46837[/snapback]

As an adoptee myself, I'll certainly second that view. That said, I've always felt that way about my own life, due largely to the love, support and wisdom of the parents who adopted me.

It certainly raises the bar for all of us who seek to provide the same thoughtful understanding to our own children, either now or in the future. With each new generation of our blended birth and adopted families, we have a renewed opportunity to make a positive and lasting change to the culture we live in.

Matt

[Elaine]

One thing that I have gotten over and over again is people that seem to pity us for adopting! They say things like how blessed we will be for our good deed...like we took in a leper or something!

They also say what a lucky little girl Makayla is. I tell them very quickly that we are lucky! Lucky to be a family, lucky to have our health, etc.

I have also had several people tell me they admire me because they could not do it (raise someone else's children)!!!

When we first applied for adoption my grandmother was trying to "teach" me about adoption... . Her best friend, Martha, adopted two boys back in the 1950's. Grams said that Martha always introduced her boys as her "adopted children". Since Martha did it...then it must be the best way, right? Grrr...

Grams asked me if that is how I plan on introducing my children to people. I said NO! When she asked why not...I asked Grammie what Martha would have thought if everytime Mark and Greg had introduced her they called her their "adoptive Mother". Grammie got the point..case closed!!!!

So many people have said so many out-of-the-way things... I have just lost track! Mostly it has been strangers or acquaintances but occassionally it has unfortunately been family.

We try to take it in stride. Some comments we laugh off after the fact...others make my blood boil!

Elaine

[ckfmem]

One of my best friends used to comment that I didn't go through labor and have to recover my body afterwards. Well, no I didn't go through labor and I didn't have to recover from a pregnancy. (I did however have to recover from a miscarriage only 5 weeks before Andrew was born). Ok, got side tracked!

Anyway, I finally told her she was right I didn't have to "recover" from my pregnancy, but I did get to live in fear for five days as Andrew's birthmother had to wait to sign her relinquisment papers. I had to wonder 24 hours each day if it was my last hour with Andrew. I had to wonder if our birthmother would come to the attorney's office and say she had changed her mind. So no I didn't have the "regular" labor that last what 24 hours or so, instead I had a 120 hour labor all while holding my little bundle of joy.

We didn't get to form that great Abrazo bond with our birthmom because it was such short notice and semi-open. This led to my fear of her changing her mind even more.

Anyway, after I told my friend about my labor.....she shut-up and didn't say that again. She is still one of my absolute best friends and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

[Guest mshirst]

One of my best friends used to comment that I didn't go through labor and have to recover my body afterwards. Well, no I didn't go through labor and I didn't have to recover from a pregnancy. (I did however have to recover from a miscarriage only 5 weeks before Andrew was born). Ok, got side tracked!

Anyway, I finally told her she was right I didn't have to "recover" from my pregnancy, but I did get to live in fear for five days as Andrew's birthmother had to wait to sign her relinquisment papers. I had to wonder 24 hours each day if it was my last hour with Andrew. I had to wonder if our birthmother would come to the attorney's office and say she had changed her mind. So no I didn't have the "regular" labor that last what 24 hours or so, instead I had a 120 hour labor all while holding my little bundle of joy.

We didn't get to form that great Abrazo bond with our birthmom because it was such short notice and semi-open. This led to my fear of her changing her mind even more.

Anyway, after I told my friend about my labor.....she shut-up and didn't say that again. She is still one of my absolute best friends and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

46885[/snapback]

Celeste,

You've summarized so well the "labor" that leads up to the blessing of a successful adoption.

To that you may also want to add the many years of labor that many experience related to infertility, failed in-vitro attempts, etc. Adoption may be the only birth experience that in some instances requires years and years of "labor pains" before the blessing of a new child!