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Things Infertile Folk Hate to Hear

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As suggested by our latest orientation grads this weekend... how about your "Top Ten" lists of things you hate to hear when you're infertile?

Starting with: "Just relax! Go adopt! Then you're sure to get pregnant."

mad.gif Grrrr...

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Oh, I just hate that one! Whatever, I don't have any FALLOPIAN TUBES! Ha!

1. I get Oh, you CAN'T have children?

2. You had to adopt?

I know I'll remember some more later!

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Oh I think I have a few more than 10 but the my all time favorite that will really get my blood boiling is if you just relax it will happen!! I want to yell at them and ask if they know something that my doctor doesn't know!!!!!

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"Oh, I just couldn't adopt, it just wouldn't be the same as having my own baby."

(I say, if you want to own something, go buy a car!! Or a dress, or a new purse, or a pair of shoes, why don't cha!???)

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A "friend" once said to Brian ... I just couldn't raise somebody else's kid. Yet, he thinks our kids are great. What would have happened if his wife was previously married and already had a child by her first husband???? Urgh!!!!

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I have been around welll should I say a few uneducated country folk..if ya know what I mean. Sweet people just not very smart....take my neighbor across the street. In an effort to tell me what he thought about my adopting a second time..he made a really stupid remark. "purty soon Sabrina your gonna have to open up you an orphange" blink.gifblink.gifblink.gifblink.gif (this coming from a man who puts a 10foot santa on his roof every year. I just walked away thinking "rednecks....gotta love 'em"

Sabrina

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Straight from DH's mouth.....RELAX you are trying too hard...it will come augh blink.gifmad.gifhuh.gif if they only knew the history of why it wasn't happening.

But I have 2 of the most beautiful children through the miracle of adoption.

Edited by dbugsma

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I had the all-time worst thing said to me-"What did you do as a teenager that made God so mad that he won't let you get pregnant?"

Another thing- "If you didn't think about it so much, you might get pregnant."

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I just thought of another one said to me by a teacher that I use to work with when she found out that I didn't have any children yet. "Don't you like children?" To which I responded, "No, I can't stand them, that's why I teach a roomful of active kindergartners and get paid next to nothing."

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Asked by a relative: "You DO know what time of the month you can get pregnant, right?"

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Asked by a relative: "You DO know what time of the month you can get pregnant, right?"

26939[/snapback]

How about the comments made to a woman who already has 4 or 5 children and is pregnant again, "Haven't you figured out what causes that yet?"

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"Why aren't those women on birthcontrol?"

Let's see.....oh....if they were, then I wouldn't be a Mommy!!!

"Oh, adoption is wonderful. I've always wanted to adopt myself (i.e. Mother to 3 biological children)" .

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"I've thought about adoption because I would like to have another child and I do not want to go through the pregnancy part again."

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These are all GREAT!!! A lot of what me and my husband heard all the time. We are the ones that actually thought about coming up with a t-shirt so that people will stop saying things they have no clue about!

1) Stop tyring so hard!

2) Stop thinking about it (okay...how are you supposed to stop thinking about it)

3) Just relax

4) In God's time

5) Try this position mad.gif

6) Prop up on a pillow afterwards

7) As soon as you adopt you will get pregnant...it happended to so and so

and on, and on

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Stephanie,

I looked at the web site you posted. I know it is very difficult when an adoption does not go as planned.

I tend to say some of the things posted. Maybe I'm wrong to say some of the things, but I truly believe in my heart that things happen for a reason and that what is right for your life will happen. As hurtful as that may sound at a time of grief, it's the truth. What else should you think? I feel like you have to hold on to the truth, so that you don't go crazy. I'm a very realistic person and I'd rather be told how it is instead of sugar coating it. Everyone is different, but at the time that our 1st match did not work out, I needed to hear that it was not meant to be in order to move forward. That was the only thing that allowed me to jump right back into the process.

Claudia

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Great shirt Donna! laugh.gif

Yes, we've all heard these things over and over again. I know many people are trying to be encouraging and just making conversation. It sure can be annoying!!!

I mean how many times can you hear JUST RELAX before going absolutely crazy! blink.gif

Of course the annoying comments have not stopped...just changed...in the last few months. I've heard the birthcontrol comment. I had two people tell me that they can't imagine raising someone's else's child. Someone else made a comment that they just couldn't imagine someone giving their child away and not wanting to raise them. Of course I had to set them straight on this!!! Mind you, this person is raising two of her grandchildren that her son and daughter are not! huh.gif

Fortunatley, I must say that since we started working with Abrazo, almost all comments from others have been very positive. A friend told me yesterday that she has been noticing that Matthew and I have that glow about us that people have when they are expecting. smile.gif I need to focus on comments like those and leave the yucky ones behind!

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I think the thing that always makes me tense up and want to explode is that old tried and true "just relax, I bet once you adopt (or now that you've adopted), you'll get pregnant". That one always drives me nuts!!!

Now, the thing that would make my blood boil once we had adopted Kayleigh would be when someone would say, "oh, how nice of you to do that" referring to us adopting! Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

It also does drive me nuts when people who have biological children (and who have no trouble conceiving), will say to me that they have always wanted to adopt someday and hope to adopt their next child - some will even go so far to say so they can do a good thing for a child who needs a home.

Good little place to vent......hee hee.

Lisa

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"Why aren't those women on birthcontrol?"

Let's see.....oh....if they were, then I wouldn't be a Mommy!!!

26987[/snapback]

That one bothers me because it makes all bps sound irresponsible. It also reminds me of what Elizabeth said at orientation...a lot of birthmoms are on birth control. It's not 100%. Also, as we experience infertility, some women experience hyper-fertility, and they can get pregnant even on birth control.

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What a great topic! Every time someone says this to me I am just stunned. All I can do is ask questions just to find out more information. To me it is funny just listening to people describe the right way vs the wrong way. It is so not a work topic, but they bring it up.

10. Have you tried Geritol? tongue.gif

9. Are you doing it right? blink.gif

8. Maybe you should just relax and think about it

7. Do you wear tight jeans or something? laugh.gif

6. You should be trying every night. biggrin.gif

5. God just has a different plan for you, have you figured that out yet.

4. My sister tried it this way and got pregnant. biggrin.gif

3. Maybe you waited to long to start trying mad.gif

2. Drink the water over by finance, everyone is getting pregnant there…. blink.gif

1. Now that you are thinking of adopting you will get pregnant….. wink.gifblink.gif

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"Why aren't those women on birthcontrol?"

Let's see.....oh....if they were, then I wouldn't be a Mommy!!!

This one never comes up! blink.gif

I do get "I can't believe a mother gave up her child." ohmy.gifmad.gifohmy.gif I tend to be very protective of our birth mother, adoption, and the open adoption process and this is the one can really get me going.

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Stephanie,

Thanks for the new website. I guess I'm doing alright, because I say those things too. I used to get all the comments everyone has mentioned, but now I just feel for them. I try to educate when I can and kinda just giggle inside thinking "Wow, they have a lot of growth to do."

I really don't even get offended by the comments toward me, but oh do the ones about Dante's Birthparent's get me.

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, hoping and praying people will understand some day!

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I'll admit that the one that I hated the most was,,, In God's timing. I do believe in God, but I am not sure that s/he works the way we think. There are a lot of implications to saying in God's timing, including the idea that some people were meant to parent (ie. those who can get pregnant) and some people weren't (ie. those who can't. Even if this is not what the speaker means, there is a lot of room for interpretation in what we say, especially when someone else is hurting. To be honest, I advise people not to say anything to someone who is grieving, other than "do you need someone to listen or is there anything that I can do." I think that a lot of times we say all these platitudes to others because we are uncomfortable sitting with others pain and not being able to make them feel better.

I would have to respectfully disagree with you a little Claudia, I am not sure that other people need to hear our version of the truth when they are grieving. I think that usually they need some space to come to their own conclusions about what is going on and someone to listen as they talk about how difficult the experience is. I think that our opinions are best saved for a time when they are asked for specifically.

Just my two cents,

Bobbi

Edited by MFTMOM

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One of the comments that drove me crazy, was "you are still young you have plenty of time." Now this might be true but after 5 years of marriage and still no kids, even though I was still in my mid twenties, that was a little hard to hear.

I also had someone tell me that God must not want me to have children. I used to post on an infertility board, and several us us mentioned we prayed for children, and even prayed for God to take the desire out of our hearts if we were not meant to be moms, either by adoption or biology. And some other woman came on and posted that comment. My theory was as long as the desire was there, then God still meant for Nathan and I to have children in our home.

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