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Adoption Risks


ElizabethAnn

Which part the adoption process do you fear most?  

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Just thought it might be helpful to launch a discussion, for our newcomers, of what the risks in adoption are, and how real-life folks balance the risks with the realities and the benefits. As adoption professionals, we don't like to focus on risk, in part because we want to encourage people and not frighten them, but it's important to prepare adoption consumers for the possibilities, to help them better plan for their families' futures.

When you enter the adoption process, there are no guarantees. None. Not for anyone.

And that can truly be a scary thing.

There are no guarantees that you'll be placed with a child (healthy or otherwise); that you'll find the "perfect" family, that the medical expenses will be covered, that the courts will uphold your intentions, that the baby's birthfather will be correctly identified nor that he'll agree to the adoption, or that no party will ever seek to contest the decision at some point.

There are no guarantees that you'll ever know your child's complete history nor what unknown medical conditions could develop in the future, nor whether the child you adopt will be fully accepted within your community (or family).

There's no guarantee that prenatal care prevents birth defects, nor that lack of prenatal care causes them.

There's no guarantee that you'll be a good parent, nor that the child's adoptive family (or birthparent) will maintain a positive and healthy relationship with you in the future, regardless of what your expectations are at time of placement.

There are no guarantees that the adopting couple will always stay together, or that they'll always have sufficient income to provide for a child, nor that there won't come some point in the future when the birthparents' station in life may improve to the point that they could have made it work out, had they originally elected to parent the child.

There are no guarantees whether the birthparents or adopting parents can do a better job of raising a child.

There are no guarantees that every client served by the adoption agency is a genuinely trustworthy, stable, honest person, who will always do the right thing for the right reason.

There are no guarantees that adoption professionals never make mistakes, whether in word or deed, nor that their own personal needs will never in any way interfere with their work.

There are no guarantees that the child who is being adopted will grow up to be a happy, healthy adult, nor that he or she will necessarily agree with or appreciate the choices being made on his/her behalf, without his/her say.

And those are just a few of the risks I can think of.

So given what "risky business" all of this is, why do adoptions at all? Knowing these things, how did you adoption veterans out there find the faith to move forward? What can you tell newbies about managing risks, and how to discern (from the heart) what's right for you and yours while keeping a realistic perspective on all the unknowns? And how to deal with the fear factor, yet still maintain a healthy sense of self-control and build trusting relationships with those involved?

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Thanks for starting a great topic, Elizabeth. While no one enters adoption with their eyes closed, there are certainly things many of us would rather not think about. It's so much nicer to focus only on the positive aspects and to let the possible risks be for another day.

For us, while adoption has risks, it was also much likelier to provide the child(ren) we longed for than the infertility treatments we had gone through. It seemed that no matter how many eggs we could stimulate into maturing, none of them wanted to become a baby. We were unwilling to do IVF, so we had reached the limits of what treatments we were willing to do.

Heck, for us even pregnancy was no guarantee. We had been pregnant twice. One resulted in a 24 week gestational age baby coming early and only staying with us for 41 hours. The other ended in a miscarriage the day after the pregnancy was confirmed by the doctor.

Given those statistics, many of the risks of adoption just couldn't stack up into a big enough barrier to us.

In both of our adoptions, we have had two main risks. Both children and their birthmothers were without prenatal care and both birthfathers had to be found and their rights terminated, making them both legal risk placements. We honestly felt that, while prenatal care is a wonderful thing, we were comfortable with the general health of both babies and felt able to deal with anything that might come up at a later time--just as we would a child born to us biologically. The legal risk is scarier. The first time we knew the birthfather didn't want to be found, so were pretty secure in his lack of interest. We may have been naive about that, but that was our point of view. This second time, we also thought it wouldn't be a big deal, as we met the birthfather on the evening of placement and saw no evidence that he wasn't behind the birthmother's decision to place. Perhaps we were a bit desensitized to the risks because of how smoothly everything went with Samuel, but once we heard that the father's rights had been terminated, we just sighed with relief and moved on. A late night phone call weeks later jarred our sense of security, though. We spent a sleepless night and worried day dwelling on the "what ifs". Since, we have been reassured that all is in order and step forward on faith that God is in control.

I guess that last sentence really deals with how we face the possible risks and move on. We have faith that God is in control. Too many things have happened "coincidentally" for us to believe that anything else is going on. Our lives together have been like that from the start, and while there were many times we questioned our situation (Why us? Why can an unhappy 7th grade girl get pregnant with her first sexual encounter and we can't get pregnant with a room full of people helping?), we have clung to God's promises to us. He has fulfilled every one, some we hadn't even been praying for, yet (Like Abigail).

So, adoption is scary, just because of the unknowns, but we found them no scarier than all the possibilities that lay down the "conventional" road. And so we have forged ahead. Guided by our faith in God and trusting in the capable hands of a remarkable agency. Not blindly. Just with assurance.

Hope that helps,

Christina

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It is a great topic and very timely as we prepare to take our second adoption journey. There are so many things we could say but what it really comes down to is that life comes with risks. We too had the blessing of pregnancy, followed by the devastation of loss at 23 weeks. We spent 57 minutes with our beautiful son before we had to say goodbye.

After such loss, when you think that there will never be happiness in your life again - this week we prepare for our beautiful son's first birthday. Yes, through adoption we became parents again and it is just hard to explain the happiness we feel watching Matthew grow and flurish day by day.

The adoption process brought us risk - we matched and unmatched and ultimately found ourselves in a legal risk placement. I can't say we slept very well for a while but looking back - these were risks we understood and accepted we had to take if we were to ever achieve the happiness we sought.

For us, the risks were worth it - you see we believe that there is a "right" match and placement for everyone - you may have to step out of a comfort zone to face some of the risks but we believe, like us, you too will know when it is the right time and the right situation.

No regrets - still some fears as we venture down the road again - but we will be brave and face what life presents to us because we know first hand that the rewards last a lifetime.

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Windycity that was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story and your insight. I enjoyed reading it! smile.gif

Elaine

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Marcelo and I are "Parents In Waiting", so we do not have as much experience as the rest of you. I do have some things I would like to share that have helped me through life so far.

I know we all have our stories and have gone through some rough ups and downs (some more difficult than others). One thing that I have realized is that all the downs I have experienced on my own and now together with Marcelo have made both of us better people. We are able to empathize with others trials and be more helpful and generous to those in need. When you have gone through these losses, you come out more humble (atleast we have). The most important thing is do your BEST to learn something from the experience and pass it on.

Since we are parents in waiting and our Birhtmother is 5 mo. along, we have a wait ahead of us. That is alright though. It is giving us time to prepare emotionally, spirtitually and physically for the baby. Yes, we have fears of the risks involved, but have come to an understanding. This understanding is to change the things we can and let God take care of the rest. That means, trusting in our Birthmother that she is making what she determines as the right decision for her and the baby, that Abrazo will do their part and that we will prepare accordingly. Too many times, we think we are in control, but we are not. I believe God gives us the tools to fulfill our dreams and it is up to us to choose the right tools to make it work. We could easily get caught up in the legalities etc., but after attending orientation and educating ourselves on the risks, we are still forging ahead.

What would be worse? Opening our hearts and minds to adoption 100% or never being able to experience being parents? Hurt will always be around due to sin in the world. It's our job to make this place a better one, so keep on going!!! Pursue your hopes and dreams!!!!!!

Blessing to everyone,

Claudia

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For me, it all came down to I just wanted to be a mom and the only way I could see that ever happening was through adoption. I knew there were risks, I was afraid of the risks but I also knew that my life would never be complete and whole and happy without the wonderful experience of hearing someone call me mommy and being able to witness the miracle of our precious angel growing up and experiencing their own life. To me, continuing down the path of infertility treatments (we did 2 IVFs) just seemed far more risky than adoption - I knew there were no guarantees with adoption but I believed deep in my heart that through adoption, I would become a mom. I never had that belief while we were doing our in-vitro's. I just sort of jumped in to adoption and hoped I'd be carried to a "happily ever after" through my faith and belief that this was what I was supposed to be doing - I didn't question it once we made the decision to do it - I believed so strongly that I was supposed to be doing it and that I would be a mommy....and I am and my life, now that Kayleigh is here, feels like it's finally started - I now think of everything in my life as before Kayleigh and after Kayleigh and it just doesn't feel like my life had begun until Kayleigh arrived to share it with me. Being her mother has surpassed any and all expectations of what I thought it would feel like.

Oh yes, some of the things I did before "jumping in" in order to get to the decision to adopt is:

1) Found out about Abrazo through a friend of my moms whose daughter had adopted through Abrazo and had a wonderful experience which she honestly shared with me (there were a couple ups and downs but the thing she said that really stuck with me and made me believe I had to work with this agency is how much integrity they have - they are very honest and truthful almost to the point of being blunt at times but you always know where you stand and where they stand on things)

2) Read, read, read everything I could get my hands on pertaining to adoption

3) Had a friend who had adopted before us and learned everything I possibly could about her experience and also, was her friend while they were still going through infertility treatments so I saw what that did to her and then was friends with her during the waiting and then after her son arrived home and how happy that made her so I thought to myself..."this is what I want and this is how I want it to happen"

4) Talked to other people I came in contact with who had adopted to learn about their adoption experience

As for those "unknowns", well - there were a lot of those in our case (when we received the call that Kayleigh had been born - we were given all the information that Abrazo had at that time which basically was that a little girl had been born the night before and her birthmother was a senior in high school and had no pre-natal care. We had to make the decision to say yes or no based on almost nothing to go on (including how much everything would tally up to (medical bills, etc) once all was said and done. How did I know to say yes (I didn't even call my husband to tell him - I said yes without even speaking to him and it was going to be his problem to deal with if he disagreed, that's how much I knew this was the "one") - well, a little voice inside my head said, "this is the one" and I listened. I don't know how else to describe it - I just felt so strongly that something/someone was guiding me in all that and I had such a peace that I was supposed to say yes. Of course, it helped that there were all these little signs - 1) Kayleigh was born on my mom & sisters' birthdays and she was also born 18 minutes after my grand-mother had passed away 2) Kayleigh's birthmother was a senior in high school and had dreams of going to college (which is a big reason why she placed) and I was a senior in high school and had big dreams of going to college when I placed my daughter for adoption 3) Kayleigh's birthmother was the youngest of 3 girls...I'm the youngest of 3 girls (4) I had just flown to Dallas from Seattle the evening I got the call from Abrazo and one of the requirements Kayleigh's birthmother/birth grand-parents had placed on the adoption was that the parents would need to be able to be at the hospital the next day when Kayleigh was supposed to be dishcharged (they didn't want her going into foster care). Had I not been in Dallas (Kayleigh was in Austin), I don't know we could have met that requirement because they weren't going to decide on the adoption agency they were going to work with until the next day and I doubt we could have gotten a flight to Austin on such short notice. Lots and lots of little signs I felt telling me this was it!

-Lisa

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FAITH...FAITH...FAITH!!!

That is how we get through the risks of adoption! We still have risks. Our son has been home with us for almost three weeks and there are still risks! The medical bills may not be covered, or, most importantly, his birthfather's rights may not be terminated (legal risk placement). In my heart, I know that God has a master plan and that things will work out the way they are meant to.

I love reading the other posts!! Thank you for sharing!

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Hello,

I am in the "parents in waiting" crowd so I have not the experience of adoption as many of you do. I just wanted to chime in if I could. I think with anything there is going to risk. I feel that since we have all found our way to Abrazo we are risk takers. Our journey to have a house full of children has been full of risks and we still have not shyed away just because we may get hurt again. We are strong people with a tremendous amout of love to share. Risk or not risk we have the faith that we are following God's plan and we will relax and enjoy the ride he has instore for us. '

Okay I feel alittle better!!!!

Angie

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We know that risk is a scary word, but we also know that God wouldn't put us in a situation if we weren't supposed to be there. There are never any guarantees in life, but the one thing that I do know is that the two best days of our lives were when we talked to our two bithmothers who, through the grace of God, have shared the incredible gift of life with Jason and I. We are still unsure of the future and what questions our daughters will have for us and Addison, who is now 4, is starting to ask about where babies come from. I think that the she thinks all babies are picked up in Dallas. I do know that the rewards far out weigh the risks.

I think that many people are scared of the unknown( I know that we are), but that's when you need to put your faith in God and know that He is leading you down the right path. Children are such a blessing and every night before I go to to bed I thank the good Lord for the two angels in my house, risk and all.

Stacey

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Risks are the hugest factor in almost everything we do. I just remember searching and seeing signs everywhere and in everything to give me that " this has to be meant to be" feeling while we were adopting, and even while I was pregnant with our second child. Its funny how you search for the signs to help you feel in control. But really nothing is in your control and GOD will decide. And the "right" thing does really happen. Its hard to see that while your in the middle of it. huh.gif

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Just as a suggestion, and as a birthmom, I know that we all have to remember that risk is a big thing for all involved. I know for me I was very aware that the ap's were all scared about risks. But from my expirience, I had to pick ap's 3 different times in one pregnancy, I didn't FEEL like they realized the amount of risk I was taking.

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Adoption is not for the weak in mind, spirit or body -- that's for sure. I'm in the insurance industry, and no matter how you prepare for anything there will always be a risk of some sort. I think education is important, openess of mind, communication, and going with your gut feeling. I don't know if it is my job (investigating insurance fraud) or just that I'm a woman, but I'm very intuitive and have a sense of things.

When we adopted Erin, we were about as sure as one can be that an adoption was going to take place. We just didn't know if it was going to be 1 or 3! There weren't too many bumps along the way with Erin's adoption.

Pearce's adoption was totally different. We had a b-mom that went AWOL, another close call and then Pearce came along. In my spirit I knew we were to adopt a hispanic baby boy, but sometimes my heart got in the way of my head and my gut, if that makes any sense.

So, bottom line...get as much information as you can, communicate thoroughly to all parties involved, PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!

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I think one thing is that some of the risks Elizabeth initially brought up are true of both biological children and adoptive children. (Will they grow up to be healthy and happy??) Life is a risk! I would not trade one minute of my time with Shane for even the hardest question he is bound to ask. Unfortunately, I can already hear some of his questions later in life. See, his BP is pregnant again and planning to parent this child. So he now will have a full birth brother who is 18 mo older than him and a 1/2 birth sibling (sister we think) who is supposed to be 14 months younger than him. This has the potential to be very difficult for him. I only hope that we help him be secure with who is, where he came from, and how he is loved by not just us but also his birth family. SO are there risks in adoption.. you betcha but would I opt to not take those risks? No way! The smile I get when I walk through that door after a long day of taking care of everyone else's sick kids is worth every risk I took to get where I am today!!

We can't control the risks really whether we get pregnant or whether we adopt. I was never able to get pregnant and I had to choose which risks I would take with infertility treatments and which risks I wouldn't. Needless to say I took much fewer infertility treatment risks than I did with adoption. Elizabeth is right there are no guarantees in adoption. But there are also no guarantees in life!

OK so hopefully this rambling post makes sense to people besides me!

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  • 4 weeks later...
What about the financial risk?  What happens if a birthmom chooses you and then changes her mind in the end?  Are you still required to pay for her expenses?  Does anything change in regards to your administrative expenses with Abrazo? 

-Laura

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We were matched with a birthmom for 9 weeks and 3 days before the baby was to be born she and the birthday took off to CA and someone there adopted the baby. We had been providing housing and living expenses all of that time. So what happens to the money, we lost it. It is the risk you take when you accept a birthmom who needs maternity expenses. As far as the money you have on account with Abrazo that is still there until you place. So now we are just waiting to be matched with another birthmom. Hopefully the next time we will have much better luck. Keep in mind this is not something that happens very often. Abrazo is very in tune with whats going on with the BP and will let you know of any concerns they have regrading their honesty. We were actually offered a case a month before this happened because Abrazo was concerned this may happen. I was just to trusting and had committed myself to that case, I wish I would have listened now......Hind sight is 20/20 Right???? cool.gif

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Sherrie,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm also enraged. That birthmother should be prosecuted for criminal activity. We are dealing with a very shady business if all parties including agencies, adoptive parents, government, AND birthparents are not held accountable. Aren't there any safeguards in place? While I respect a birthparent's right to change her mind (no matter how painful for the adoptive parents), I FIRMLY believe that all financial responsibility should become hers if she does decide to parent the baby. Anything short of that is robbery. Adoptive parents are not the social welfare system.

In your case, the birthmom was obviously a scam-artist. In the honest case where a birthmom changes her mind about the adoption after you have financially (not to mention emotionally) invested in her and the baby, how does Abrazo handle the finances that she has taken from you?

Does anyone know more in this area as it pertains to the law and legal rights of adoptive parents?

Laura

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Sherrie,

I'm so sorry that happened to you.  I'm also enraged.  That birthmother should be prosecuted for criminal activity.  We are dealing with a very shady business if all parties including agencies, adoptive parents, government, AND birthparents are not held accountable.  Aren't there any safeguards in place?  While I respect a birthparent's right to change her mind (no matter how painful for the adoptive parents), I FIRMLY believe that all financial responsibility should become hers if she does decide to parent the baby.  Anything short of that is robbery.  Adoptive parents are not the social welfare system. 

In your case, the birthmom was obviously a scam-artist.  In the honest case where a birthmom changes her mind about the adoption after you have financially (not to mention emotionally) invested in her and the baby, how does Abrazo handle the finances that she has taken from you? 

Does anyone know more in this area as it pertains to the law and legal rights of adoptive parents? 

Laura

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Well Laura we are just out $4300.00. We do not get that money back. I have been told we can file the loss on the adoption tax credit next year but for now we just swallow it and move on and request the next match not need housing and other financial help. We are filing a civil suit against the birthparents but who knows what will come of that. Unfortunately there are no safe guards for the adopting parents. However you have to trust the agency and pray alot that you have a honest birthmom. I could have understood it more if she would have changed her mind after the baby was born and decided to parent but to let someoneelse adopt her was a pretty low blow. unsure.gif

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Laura,

Any financial input in adoption is considered to be funds "at risk". As Sherri said, the adoptive family is not reimbursed in the event of the disruption of the plan. My ex husband and I provided total support for five months and thirteen days prior to the due date, the birthmom decided to parent. This was through another agency, but it is true everywhere, I believe. My ex was bitter and wanted to pursue civil action to recover the funds. We didn't. Years ago, adoptive parents could buy insurance against the loss of financial support. It was unavailable in 2000. It is definitely a leap of faith mentally and financially.

Good luck,

Jean

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Dear Sherri,

I agree with you. What your birthparents did and the adoption lawyer that enticed them is unethical and cruel to you. It seems as though in this case it was more about money than the best possible adoption plan for the child.

Heartfelt embrace,

Jean

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We had 3 failed matches during our year (yes, one year!) of working with Abrazo. I still feel the financial risk of a failed adoption plan is much less than the financial losses incurred by some couples who indure multiple failed in-vitro fertilizations. I have read stories of couples who spent upwards of $50,000 or more on failed in-vitros. Some insurance plans cover only the first or second try.

Our Catherine was a BOG (baby on the ground) whose b/mother never received any prenatal care or applied for Medicaid. But Abrazo really came through for us when it counted...they negotiated the hospital down by several thousand dollars! (Anyone want to question billing practices? Look at your hospital bill...After my hysterectomy I examined my bill, and I mean $25 for the pillow I slept on, and the hospital kept and billed the next patient for???? Even with insurance, I still had to pay $$$ out of my own pocket!! Was it fair???) And as more and more insurance plans raise their deductibles, more people have to meet more and more costs out of pocket.

Most adoption agencies will require fees up front...some quite a large fee up front, with absolutely no guarantees. One agency I visited simply handed me a packet of forms, then said "Return the completed package with your $8,000 check attached." That was in 1996, so the cost is probably much higher now!

When entering into any business transaction, you must be well informed. Yes, Abrazo is a business and they have a payroll to meet, leasing and utility costs, advertising expenses, etc, just like any other business. I'm sure if Abrazo could perform all their services for free, they would....but they wouldn't be in business for very long!! Keep in mind that Abrazo is also registered as a non-profit agency with the state and federal gov't, and you can be sure their books have been audited in order to keep their licensing.

No, their are absolutely no guarantees....in adoption or in life!!!

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Laura and others,

Everything Marthaj and Sherrie have said so far is accurate. While it is easy to be enraged at the system, understand that the system is in place for a reason. In the past, adoptive couples have used their financial investment to "coerce" birthmothers into placing with them. The state of Texas has written laws so that--hopefully--all children placed for adoption are placed completely by the free-will choice of the birthparents. If a birthmother knows that if she does not decide to place she may incur thousands of dollars of expenses, she might place out of sheer desperation. While there are cases where the prospective birthfamily is "in it for the money", these cases are few and far between. Since few if any of us are telepathic, it is impossible to truly know the mind of another person and to gauge their motive, etc. There are people who will abuse the system--adoptive families, birthfamilies, and even agencies--no matter what laws are in place or what ethics should guide the process. That is why it is vital to know the character of those whom you choose to work with in this process and to be able to trust those you've selected to look out for your interests, and most importantly, the interests of the child.

While there is no real recourse for an adoptive family whose birthmother changes her mind--under whatever circumstances--remember that, as Sherrie stated, that adoptive family had the right to choose or refuse the case in the first place. Both of our children have been BOGs, so there were no prenatal expenses, but in Samuel's case, the hospital bills, even after great negotiation by Kelly, were very high. We had to honestly look at our assets and decide if this was the case for us. It is very hard to say no in that situation because you know there is a baby waiting for you. Still, adoptive families really need to know up-front what expenses they can and cannot bear. "Love is all we need" is not a sufficient credo in this process, however much we wish it were.

So, to summarize: Yes, there are risks in adoption--big ones. Yes, they are worth it. Know up-front, as well as you can, what risks and financial burdens you are willing to face and be honest with your agency about those, so they can better meet your needs while they also meet the needs of their birthfamilies and precious children.

Christina

Edited by cgrace
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Wow. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I am overwhelmed and very nervous. I've spent the last 48 hours really questioning if I have the emotional ability to go through with the adoption that I have in my heart to do. I've even reconsidered going back to fertility treatments. Last night my dear friend, who is a new believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, even offered to be a serrogate mother for me...something I have never even talked about our considered. I was touched to tears at her love for me. Amazing. Yet in spite of all of that, I don't really want to pursue that route. I don't think I could handle another round of drugs and treatments.

Not to mention the fact that I know God has planned an adopted child for us. I KNOW it. I feel the seed of adoption as deeply in my spirit as I feel the desire to carry a child and give birth. And it is a different desire. I can't explain it, but even if I suddenly became Fertile Myrtle and had 5 kids of my own, that seed of adoption...that yearning would still be there. A yearning for a child I know God has planned for us through adoption. It is a yearning that no birthchild of my own could ever fulfill. So we will press on in spite of the risks. It just seems like I should feel more peaceful about it if it is really of the Lord. That does bother me a little bit. Yet I know adoption is part of God's plan for our lives, so maybe we just need to recognize that there may be some difficult times in the process and just press on.

Thank you everyone,

Scardy-cat unsure.gif

(I mean, yours truly...Laura smile.gif )

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Just to ease your mind a bit, we all have doubts and fears of the unknown. No matter how major of a decision we all get the what if's and I firmly belive that if it is meant to be God will ease those fears very soon. He may not clear you 100%, but after all we are human and satan does play a role in our lives. No matter how small a part satan does lead you down another road. That road is filled with heartache and trouble behind every door. So if you feel this strongly about adoption being in God's plan for your lives, then pursue it and if it is not, then maybe it is another turn on that road less traveled to finding your child.

May God speed your heart into healing and contentment. May He gaurd you with all His might from the doubts and fears. This is not to say there won't be some bumps that are painful, but how else can we truley be greatful for His awesome powers and His gifts of joy?

My prayers are with you and all other doubtful and worried "parents-in-waiting". And as a birthmom, you seem like your headed down the right track, with your compassion and heart, you will get there. So remember Elizabeth's voice and the "it's not if, but WHEN!"

Lisa

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FAITH...FAITH...FAITH!!!

That is how we get through the risks of adoption!  We still have risks.  Our son has been home with us for almost three weeks and there are still risks!  The medical bills may not be covered, or, most importantly, his birthfather's rights may not be terminated (legal risk placement).  In my heart, I know that God has a master plan and that things will work out the way they are meant to. 

I love reading the other posts!!  Thank you for sharing!

14424[/snapback]

Once again, faith has not steered me wrong!! The legal risk portion of our placement has come to an end! Angela just MADE MY DAY!! Have a good weekend everyone! My family sure will!!

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