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Zinnia

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hello, all!

my name is zinnia and i am 27yrs old and hubby's name is abel and he's 30yrs old.  i am a 4th grade teacher, working on my master's in education and he's a nurse's aid working on his nursing degree as well.  we are both originally from corpus christi, texas but a year ago we moved to san antonio.  we love this city!!

we have been ttc for 3yrs (going on 4) and it has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.  infertility in general can be a heartache and on top of having to deal with that we had to deal with incorrect information from doctors, losing friends, insensitive family members and so on.

when we were first told of our infertility we were told that we would "never have children."  we were young, uneducated, and shocked to even question it.  we immediately thought of adoption.  we know we want to be parents more than anything.  then we changed doctors and found out that there were some treatments we could do to try to conceive.  we are now currently trying them and are in the beginning stages of infertility treatments.

though we are still ttc we have never stopped thinking of adoption.  i know that if we do have a bio child it will be hard and difficult and a miracle and i don't think we can afford (emotionally) to try to go through all of that for #2.  we want a big family, so we believe adoption is for us.

we have had some stupid responses towards adoption from friends and family and we haven't even adopted yet!!!   :angry: i was once talking with my SIL (they too were having IF problems on their 5th IVF they finally conceived twins) and i mentioned to her our dreams of adoption sometime.  she immediately said, "oh i would NEVER consider adoption i want children of my own and i won't give up like that."  i was so hurt by her comment.  i was devasted.  i literally got up and asked my husband to go home.  i couldn't believe she would say something like that.  i know adoption is not for everyone but does she have to make that comment to a person that is wanting to adopt!!!!???  with that comment i now know she will never consider our children family if they are not conceived biologically.  i will always think of that comment when she is around our family (whenever we do have one).

i have also lost friends.  one friend has told me how i could think of raising someone else's child.  and this is a teacher!  so much pain and nights of crying and bouts of anger and resentment i have had to go through with infertility.  now, with adoption, that i can see a light at the end of a such a dark tunnel and actually smile again when i see a baby or a baby commercial, i get even MORE obstacles to overcome by stupid friends and family!!!???  geez, one really can't win huh!

i just wanted to let everyone know that i am now a member of this wonderful forum.  i have learned so much and the more i read the more i want to move our adoption plans forward.  i used to think i'd never be a mommy and i'd never hold a beautiful baby of my own in my arms but now i am smiling again and i have this forum to thank for.  THANK YOU SO MUCH!

hoping to adopt sometime...

Zinnia & Abel

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Zinnia:  Welcome to you and your husband.  When I read your post, it brought back memories of what (insensitive) people said to us before we adopted.  People say the stupidest things sometimes and don't even realize it.  So part of the roller-coaster ride of adoption will be the things people say (obviously without thinking) ,  but the wonderful parts of the ride outweigh the bumpy ones.  So, good luck to you and keep us posted of your success to become "mommy and daddy"!

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Hi Zinnia,

I totally agree that the joys outweigh everything else.  And I encourage you to just focus on the positive which is that you and Abel are on your way to becoming parents to the most beautiful child/children!

And I agree that some of the most hurtful comments tend to come from those closest to us.  And every so often one of my family members will come up with a new one.  But I've finally taken it upon myself to sort of be an advocate for adoption especially around my family.  

So you hang in there and "WELCOME" to the forum.  I think you'll find so much support and friendship here.

Jacquee

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Zinnia,

Welcome! You have found the right place to vent and share your thoughts! I too am a teacher and I received the cruelest comments about adoption from my fellow teachers. Some of them still say things, but you know what, I don't really care anymore because at the end of the day I can look at my beautiful baby girl and know that adoption does work.

Best of luck on your journey,

Melissa

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Zinnia,

My husband and I share a similar story on how quickly we moved to adoption.  We investigated treatments, but really believed that adoption was our journey to take.  We briefly thought of trying both infertility treatments and adoption at the same time, but many people discouraged this.  I’m very thankful for that advice because I couldn’t imagine going through both (I stated this here because you asked this question on another post).  Actually treatments didn’t appeal to me at all.  We wanted to have a family; we really didn’t need our family to be built the more traditional way.  Adoption, to us, was just another route to parenthood.  

We are fortunate that both our families are very familiar and comfortable with adoption, so it wasn’t unnatural for us to go this way.  I am so sorry to hear that you are not experiencing the same support.   I too get some uneducated comments.  Maybe some of the comments you have received are purely based on ignorance and not cruelty.  I know some people’s comments to me were not meant to come across the way they did; they just didn’t know any better.  I wish you strength and peace in bringing understanding about adoption to others.

I’m glad that you have found this forum and Abrazo.

Just remember, with adoption you will have a family…. You will continue to SMILE!

Peace - Kim

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thank you so much for all of your kinds words and words of encouragement.  i truly do get encouraged more and more everytime i read up in here.

family and friends and even people i just meet have been so hurtful when it  came to infertility.  my mother still doesn't get it that i'm not making her a grandma on purpose and that its all a medical mess.  :angry:  aunts and cousins think i'm not having chidlren because i won't stop trying to get ahead (i'm still in school getting my masters) and start thinking of family.  i have tried to educate them all about infertility and now i see that i am going to have to be an advocate for adoption in my family and circle of friends as well.  though it can be very hurtful and very tiring at times i won't keep my two cents to myself when i hear something insensitve being said!

but not all is bad.  my husband and i love each very much and we have grown closer and closer and have built a very strong marriage through our tough times.  we also have some friends and family (now closer to them than any others) that are very supportive and loving and understanding towards our infertility and our adoption dreams.  some have even offered to give letters of reccomendations!   :D

like i said, we won't try the more evasive infertility treatments like IVF.  we'd rather use that money towards adoption.  we are still trying though.  i guess i just couldn't not do it.  but something in me keeps saying do adoption NOW and be happy NOW!  stop trying to conceive and stop getting hurt every month on end!  i just know adoption is for us i just don't know when that will be!

thanks,

Z

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Dear Zinnia,

 I just love your name and the picture you have with it.  It shows your sunny, positive attitude.  You will find that as you go through the process of infertility and the journey to building your family, that you will meet many empathetic and amazing people who have been exactly where you are. You will find your circle of friends and support system changing and as you begin to educate yourself and see the miracles that happen through adoption, you will begin to radiate that.

 I am a teacher as well.  I am a single adoptive mom, too!  My family was shocked to learn that I planned to continue my dream of building a family through adoption even after my marriage dissolved after over ten years of inferility, fertility treatments, and disrupted adoption plans. Frankly, they thought I wasn't grounded in reality and thought I was nuts. Sometimes our families do not see us as we are.  Sometimes they have fears for us that they needn't have.  They want to protect us from hurt and pain when in reality they add to it.   I chose to seek counsel from positive people who had faith in me as a potential mother and could see that although I would face obstacles, I was strong enough and determined enough to make it work. I sought information from recommended literature and professionals that specialize in building families through domestic adoption and a very few select friends. Now, as I look over at my precious son, I am in awe.  I, too, thought I might NEVER become a mother.  Single, over 40, I'll never be a mom.  WRONG!!!!  If you believe and have faith, it will happen.  Maybe not in the way you might have initially thought, but it will happen.

   A very close friend of mine who is also an adoptive mom to two Abrazo babes shared with me a book that her second son's birthmother gave her entitled Mothers.  In the first part it says I wanted you before you were even conceived.  I loved you before you were born.   The first time I saw you I'd die for you.  It is true of adoptive mothers just as it is true of biological mothers.  I wondered if my family would accept my son.  I was prepared for either eventuality.  I wasn't going to make a choice.  I told them that he was my family and they could choose to be part of his life or not.  I told them if they chose not to it was okay and I would understand and but that there were lots of other people who love me and want to be a part of his life.  They have accepted him and at least to me, they are nothing but positive and supportive.  I love him with all my heart and soul and cannot imagine my life without him. He is my family.  He is my treasure and my joy.  I wish the same for you.  Every woman who has the desire to be a mother should have the opportunity, I think.  I have no regrets.  I did some fertility stuff--medication/IUI/IVF and was at peace when I decided adoption was for us.  Then when the marriage ended after the disrupted adoption plan, I still had the dream.  I am living proof that dreams do come true if you persue them.  Arm yourself with information.  Ally yourself with people who have first hand knowledge of what you are going through and align yourself with people who have the ability to help you realize your dreams. Try not to allow random insensitive and ignorant comment to hurt you.  There are several things you can do when that happens.  You can educate them, ignore them, make a humorous come back or a sarcastic remark.  It is up to you and would probably depend on the situation and your mood.  It can be theraputic to think of all the dumb things people say and make a list of the comments you could respond with.  Probably the stupidest comment I heard was "What, you too lazy to have your own?"  I wish I'd had a list then because I was just too shocked to respond with anything other than "No! I  CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN OF MY OWN!!!!"  But, be that as it may, true to shrug a lot of it off.  Then, hang on tight and await the miracle that is destined for you.  Once you do adopt, you may find that you are now in a new "club" and it's the most wonderful one in the world.  The adoptive parents club.  It is full of happy, caring terrific people and their children and no one is likely to make a ridiculous comment.

 Sorry I've rambled on so, but I feel your pain and want to just reach out and give you a tremendous hug. Then I want to hand you my Nathan (10 month old wonder boy) and let you hug and love on him so that you will truely know your time is coming and we care about you.  So, keep your chin up, Zinnia and keep us posted!!

Hugs,

Jean and Nathan

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Zinnia,

As you have probably noticed from all the others that have posted, we have all been in your shoes.  Infertility and adoption is a major roller coaster.  People are alway going to be insensitive to things that they really don't understand.  It sometimes is hurtful, but as time goes by, you learn to shake it off.

We adopted an awesome little dude through Abrazo almost 2 years ago.  We were able to have one child through IVF, but all other attempts after his conception failed.  Imagine the flack we got from others when we said we were adopting after having a biological child.  The comments ranged from "he will always be different", "it is impossible to love someone elses child" etc etc.... We stayed focused and positive and I can assure you, when that little guy was placed in my arms for the first time it was the EXACT same feeling that I had when my older son was placed in my arms for the first time (minus the drowsiness of child birth).  Both of our kids are the light of our lives and we would NOT change ONE SINGLE thing about them.  Adoption is special in it's own right.... there are alot of things adoptive and birth families share that no others could ever fathom.  

Stay positive.  If you and your husband are ready to share your lives with children it will happen.  The people that you are hearing from are simply not adoption savvy yet.  If you and your hubby decided to take this journey your friends and family will see that it is not as scary and forbodding as everyone thinks.

Search the forum, there are many many posts from adoptive families that have vented about others insensitivites.  You are not alone.  Sometimes we share the "craziest" things others say to us.  Try not to let it get you down.  Sometimes you just have to laugh it off.  If you make light of it, sometimes the person that has made the comment realizes that it was probably inappropriate and appolgizes.

To share of my favorite Uh-oh's from a co-worker (who by the way has a PhD in Nursing) Our son is hispanic (we are anglo) she asked me if I was going to teach him to speak english.  Since he was all of 4 weeks old when she said it, my reply was, "yes, to the best of my ability... but I may wait until he is a little older"  Nearly 2 years later she still appologizes for saying it.

Keep your chin up and know that you are always welcome to vent on this forum.

Jeannie :D

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Welcome Zinnia,

Everyone's responses are right on target, we have all been there. Its sad that we live in such a judgemental world. Adoption, if anything, has taught me to not be so critical of others. Our story is a bit different, we could get pregnant drop of a hat, but couldn't carry past 5-8wks, so we decided to quit all treatments, stay on birthcontrol and adopt. Some of our family had a VERY hard time accepting our decision to stop. The comments of "your so close" or "you just have to relax" or "maybe the next one will work" drove us crazy. But they weren't the ones going thru with all the stress and mental and physical trauma. Once we were 100% on board with Adoption and Abrazo, we just took charge over our families. We gave them books, and articles to read. We corrected there "lingo" if we found it inappropriate, we were VERY positive and stopped negitive remarks instantly. They all got on board and got the picuture quickly.  Don't let others ruin what is the MOST amazing expierence you will ever have. Once that baby is in your arms, it is yours. So what if someone else also loves that baby as much as you do. The more love the better! Love knows no limits. Our families are SO accepting of our son and his birthfamily, and just spoil him to pieces. 2 years after our placement, we found ourselves VERY unexpectedly pregnant again, and thru many hormones and prayers this pregnancy is working, and I find myself going thru all the comments again, (thankfully not from family this time) "oh how wonderful, you will finally have one of your own" or "see once you adopted then you'd have one" and it just gets so old. I am past the point of it bothering me, but worry when people say it in front of my son. When he is old enough to understand, it will hurt his feelings, so I politely correct people right away.

But honestly, where did the smile and the "congradulations" go when people say "we're pregnant or we're adopting?"

;)

I hope all your dreams of parenting come true very soon, and you found a wealth of info on this forum from the adoptive families and the birthfamilies.

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  • 4 months later...
Guest Jonathan & Lisa

Hi Everyone, My name is Lisa and I know I'm not the only Lisa here, so I can go by Lisa M.  I have been lurking here for awhile but today I sent out our Inquiry so I wanted to come out of "Lurkville"!!

DH (Jonathan) and I are exicted to have started this process.  We have been dealing with infertility for almost 2 years and our last cycle just did us in.  It was long and painful (full of shots) and in the end the same result!  We have discussed adoption since the time we realized that getting pregnant wasn't going to be as easy as we thought.  When months passed and med's changed, adoption was always discussed.  I always told DH that I will know when...he seemed to be ready long before me.  That might be because he was the one giving me the shots and he was the one that saw the look on my face when the pg test was negative.  Well, I don't really know how, but this last time we tried to get pg and didn't, I didn't cry and I handled it well.  I knew in my heart that I had had enough and it was time to move on.  I feel so much better now that I can put all that behind me.  Jonathan supports any decisions I make when it comes to this, but I think he was extra thrilled when I told him I was ready!

Anyway, we are super exicited, nervous and anxious, to get the ball rolling :D!  This forum is awesome and you all seem like such great people!  If any of you have any advice for me, please feel free to give it....I am always open to advice!

I look forward to posting more in the future!!

Lisa

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Hi Lisa M,

I just wanted to wish you a huge welcome to the forum and for coming out of "lurkville" (how cute is that term?).

I'm Lisa C (proudly known as Kayleigh's mommy) and I can't tell you how much I related to your introduction - soooo similar to how things went with us - I was extremely disappointed that we didn't get pregnant on our last ivf attempt but didn't cry, wasn't surprised and was actually relieved that I could then start the adoption process!

My almost 1 year old (she turns 1 in December) is awake though at the moment so I'm kind of limited on how much I can type (she's now throwing the cheerios on the floor from her high chair and giving me some not so happy looks) but I'll be back to post some more when she's napping.

I just wanted to let you know that it's not if, but when - that is your mantra from this day forward.  You will be a mommy before you know it - it may seem like an eternity away right now but it isn't - it all happens so marvelously quickly!!

Please keep posting and my best advice to you at the moment is to start SHOPPING!!  That was my therapy during the wait - it helped made everything seem more real to me and when Kayleigh arrived (with less than 24 hours notice, might I add) - I had just about everything I needed!!  Do a little reading (I recommend the library first) on open adoption (there's a book list somewhere on here - one book I can think of offhand is Dear Birthmother, if I have a chance, I'll try to find where that booklist is).  And most of all - remember!  It's not if, but when!  Get ready - and enjoy your psycological pregnancy.  (I don't think I spelled psychological right, sorry about that).

Welcome, welcome, welcome!!!

Lisa

:D

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Hi Lisa M.

Welcome...I am so excited for you because I remember the feeling of hope I had when we began pursuing adoption. I knew that being a mommy was more important to me than being pregnant, and I felt such hope that my dreams would come true through adoption. And they did! Thanks to Abrazo and two wonderful birthparents, my husband and I adopted our precious son almost three years ago! I can't say enough good things about adoption--especially open adoption, and the incredible joy of being a parent to such an incredible child--which, it goes without saying, that all the children adopted with the help of Abrazo are!;) My advice I guess would be to have fun and hang on...enjoy the journey. You may find yourself anxious and impatient at times, but as Lisa said, "It's not IF, but WHEN!"

Susan

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  • 1 year later...

Hi Fellow abrazo prospective adoptive parents,

I have been very hesitant to post on here because it seems so "public." But as we hopefully get closer to make our adoption a reality, I feel that I need a sense of connection to families that are also in process of creating and/or enlarging their "home nests" through an Abrazo adoption. We are from PA and hoping to adopt in 2005. We already have two amazing kids and are taking the plunge again even though it means returning to the world of diapers, interrupted sleep, etc. It also means the joys of babyhood and expanding our family in a way we very much desire. So, I've been reading the forum for a while but am taking the plunge and beginning to write my own postings.

Peace to all,

Rosalie

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Hi Rosalie!

First of all - your girls are GORGEOUS! I love the photo of them on your avatar.

I wanted to welcome you to the group and I'm so glad you took the plunge! You'll enjoy the connection you make with those on here - most of us were super nervous (I think I can speak for most) during those first few posts...

Welcome again!

Lisa

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Hi Rosalie,

I m so glad you posted! I hve been a part of this forum since May 02 and have found many friends through it. I know your experience will be the same!

My husband and I are planning on going through Abrazo again this coming year, so I'll be looking for you at orientation!!!

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all .

Jack and Sally & I are moving to San Antonio (currently we are Americans living overseas ) in a few months. We have been thinking about adopting again

once we are settled. So I am looking into Abrazo. I see they

mainly work with infertile couples. We are (both) infertile but we already

have one daughter, Sally who we adopted in Kazakhstan. (Dec 03)

Anyway just wondering if they would work with us using the full service program. Also for a domestic adoption would we need an entirely new homestudy or could

we just do an update? What's involved with having an update to a

homestudy done? What things have to be redone?

Thanks for any and all info.

Lauren

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Lauren,

Welcome to the Forum! I think most of your questions will be answered if you just click on "Abrazo Adoption Associates home page" up at the top left hand corner. Once there, click on "Adoptive Parents" and all the criteria to adopt under the full service program is given.

You can submit your inital inquiry on-line, and if accepted you will be scheduled to attend an orientation weekend. You will receive all the paperwork necessary, including information about the homestudy requirements. If you kept a copy of your original homestudy, you might also bring that for Abrazo's review. They will let you know exactly what you need to do!!!

Good luck!!

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Hi Lauren,

I also would encourage you to give them a call and speak to someone there - they could answer your questions in a flash. Their number is 1-210-342-5683

Welcome to the forum and best of luck to you on your move to the US.

Lisa

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I think that my post topic covers everything, lol rolleyes.gif

I have been reading this forum for some time now & have decided it is time to open the door & take those first timid steps, lol.

Anyways, we live in Virginia, are in our mid 30's (yikes...did I really admit that blink.gif ?!), have endured primary IF, our 5 yr old DD came to us through the wonderful journey of adoption & I work more than part-time but not full time as a nurse, DH works as a production worker (icky swing shift). We have tossed around when to start the next adoption, who to use, do we really want another child & the answers are YES the time is NOW, we like what we've read about Abrazo & we want another child !!! biggrin.gifbiggrin.gif

Virginia has such wacko adoption laws that it is best for us to work w/ an out-of-state agency. We learned so much during the adoption of our DD. We had a real roller coaster ride adoption, first a reclaim (different child), then DD's placement followed by being contested by the birthfather. Anyways that is a long story, and it happened in the past....we are moving forward & have FAITH that this next adoption will move smoothly & will come at the right time.

Are there any families from Virginia on this forum?

We are in the process of filling out the initial inquiry paperwork & plan to proceed from there.

Blessings~ Amy in Va

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Welcome to the greatest place on the internet!!! You will find that you are in the comfort of friends around here.

Keep us posted on your journey!

Edited by melissamerritt
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Welcome Amy!

I am also a lurker and haven't posted in along time. ;) Mostly because I don't know my way around computers very well and really don't know how all this stuff works. Anyway, I felt moved today to respond because we are also a Virgnia family( recently returned after a 3 yr tour in AL). You are not alone. We are the blessed parents of 3 beautiful girls of which one is an Abrazobabe. Please keep the faith. I will tell you as heartbreaking as our journey was at times ( and it was :( ). We really feel that our family now is the one God intended us to have all along. We are so grateful to Abrazo for helping us and our daughters wonderful birthfamily with our journey. Happy Journey to you!

By the way I'm sure there are other VA Abrazo families maybe we can all link up ( I think that would be great)!

Kathy

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Kathy,

Are in NoVa? Or Norfolk area?

Just guessing b/c you said something about a 3 yr tour.

I would love to 'chat' with others in Va who have used Abrazo or working w/ them now.

Thanks for the reply. Have an awesome week. biggrin.gif

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  • 1 month later...

I'm not sure if there is a topic of this nature already, but I thought it would be nice to write freely about who we are. I think it is difficult to separate ourselves from who we are and what our goals are (besides adoption) when we are in the midst of finding our new addition to the family. It's really easy to make this the reason we exist, but I think we'd all agree that having a balance is the key to personal success and happiness.

To begin: I am a 30 year old hispanic woman. I am a registered nurse practicing in a Plastic Surgeon's office/surgery center. I work for a cosmetic surgeon and we offer office based surgery. I admit, recover and follow up with the patients undergoing surgical procedures. In May 2005, I will complete 7 years as an R.N.

I first began my career in a local hospital where I worked for 4.5 years as a Labor and Delivery nurse, as well as Postpartum, Newborn Nursery and the Operating and Recovery Room nurse assisting with cesarean sections and tubal ligations. It was quite an exciting time in my life. I then went on to pursue another avenue of nursing (so I could take a breather from the chaos of working in a hospital) which was Case Management. I only was able to do that for 1 year due to the fact that my love is working with patients and not doing paper work. Now, I have the ideal job with great hours, a wonderful staff and a low stress level.

I have been married for almost 4 years. Marriage has been very good to us. I enjoy taking walks in our neighborhood, playing with my pets and hanging out with friends, family and my husband. We both attend a local church that I have been a lifetime member of and my husband a member since we got married.

I hope to continue to exceed personal goals, but set family goals as well. I just can't stress how important it has been to remain an individual in some sense. I hope that this will spark something in other Forum members to continue to think about yourselves in some small way too!

Thanks and can't wait to hear your story!

Claudia tongue.gif

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