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Jay and I read (well I read about 3/4) that book, and hated it from the very title! I think the author had her own issues she was trying to deal with and put them all in that book! I know I will not ever recommend reading it to anyone. Jay's mom also read it and hated it..... just our 2 cents

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Guest Julie and Rick

Hey everybody...this is Rick from Corpus Christi. First let me preface my comments by stating that I am in favor of the concept of open adoption and realize the importance of maintaining a constant and positive relationship with birthparents. After forcing myself to finish reading the entire book in question, I began to have serious reservations about the author and hoped that Abrazo does not prefer prospective adoptive parents to follow the same line of thought as proposed by this book. I strongly disagree with the statements in regards to a newborn infant such as:

In reference to seperation from birthparent....

"What is remembered, or preserved, is anxiety, a primitive kind of terror, which returns in waves in later life." (page 11).

"Such is the primal loss that your adopted baby experiences on the day she comes to live with you. Before you ever held her in your arms she lost her birth mother and all she represents. It is a crushing blow that will affect her life forever." (page 14).

Although we cannot truly understand nor explain the effects or feelings of separation of a baby from the birthmother, one should also note that the author of this book can also only offer an opinion. We wish to believe that an infant is not already hindered at birth by going through an adoption process, but is rather blessed even more by having two sets of parents instead of one.

Maybe I am just being too naive or idealistic because my belief in regards to the adoption experience is positive and based upon the ability for birthparents and adoptive parents to come together for the expressed purpose of pursuing a unification of minds and hearts based on love and compassion with the interest of the infant first and foremost. With the love and understanding of birthparents that must also demonstrate tremendous strength in placing their gift from God in the hands of adoptive parents, the love felt by the infant during the physical transition between birth and adoptive parents should be unbroken.  

I feel that this book which frequently labels an infant as being born "wounded" or with "special needs" is detrimental to the socialization process. The child should realize that both sets of parents care deeply and can always be counted on to provide a supportive, loving and nurturing role. Any questions asked by a child should be addressed with complete honesty and in terms they can understand.

Despite this book, we are still looking forward to the upcoming orientation and hope that being honest about our feelings will not negatively impact our chances to become adoptive parents. For an infant we can offer love, compassion, faith, support and lots of hugs. What you see is what you get.

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Guest Adoptive Dad

Hi Julie and Rick,

You're right on the money. In fact, this is one of the best posts I've seen in some time on this forum. I am an adoptive father, through Abrazo, and while I haven't read the book in question, the exerpts you reference are absurd. Certainly the author must have their own agenda at heart here.

As far as your expression of an honest opinion impacting your adoption, I would certainly speak with Abrazo regarding that concern and if you don't receive a satisfactory answer, switch agencies.

All the best as you move forward.  :)

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Hi Rick and Julie,

I have a fantastic book to recommend.  I bought it 6 years ago when we were Parents-In-Waiting, so I hope it's still available.  If it's not on the shelves, maybe your local book store can order a copy.

It's titled

"The Story of David, How we created a family through open adoption"  by Dion Howells (who is the adoptive father) with Karen Wilson Pritchard

1997, published by Delacorte Press

The adoption took place in 1992 when open adoption was still largely misunderstood.  Against the advice of adoption professionals, the adoptive parents formed a bond with their birthmother that was truly groundbreaking.   With open arms they welcomed the birth mother into every aspect of their lives.  (Tragically the birth father was killed in a motorcycle accident while David was still a baby.)  There are pictures in the book of the birthmom, Nancy, at David's baptism, first birthday party, and during weekend visits. The birthmom was even included in the Howells' first family portrait (the picture of which appears on the book jacket cover.)  

I first learned of this book while watching The Gayle King Show in Oct 1997.  (At that time, David was 5 years old.) David, his adoptive parents, Dion and Carey, his birthmother Nancy and Nancy's mother Marilou were all guests on the show to share their open adoption journey.  They went beyond open adoption to create an extended family that includes the birthmom, her new husband and child, and David's maternal grandmother.  The most touching moment in that show came when David's bio-grandmother Marilou revealed that she had herself placed a child for adoption during the 1960's when records were sealed.  It was clear to all that Marilou still grieves for the child she never knew, and is still reliving the pain even today, more than 30 years later.  And so it was that the Howell's have written David's story, to provide a blueprint for the kind of open adoption that is possible when everyone puts the child's best interests first. (Sounds just like an Abrazo story, doesn't it, except Abrazo wasn't yet an agency in 1992 and the events took place in Ohio.)  

If you can't find a copy in Corpus Christi, let me know.  I'll go over to Borders Bookstore here in San Antonio, where I originally purchased the book, and see if they still have it in stock or if they can order it.  It was about $20 at the time.

Take care and keep the faith!

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Julie and Rick,

Wow. Since we haven't started the book, we'll be prepared! Thanks for the insight.

As stated earlier, I don't think the issues the author addresses are as prevalent in open adoption, and I have read other reviews that states her opinions are far more negative than both. I am assuming that Abrazo asked us to read the book with the intention of educating us on a "worst-case scenario" of our adopted children's feelings later down the road.

Linda

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Guest Julie and Rick

Do not mean to sway your opinion one way or the other in regards to this book and will anxiously await your opinion on the material at a later date.  I also thought there might be an ever so slight possibility that Abrazo meant for us to read this publication as a "worse case scenario" . If our assumption proves to be correct, then point well taken and duly noted. We look forward to meeting you in San Antonio. I appreciate the feedback from everyone. Take care.      

Rick

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Hi Julie & Rick (and all the others!!;),

I couldn't even finish this book - I started reading it on a 4 hour plane ride - it was the only book I had with me and I was travelling alone - so I was a captive audience and I LOVE to read!! I usually have 5 or 6 books going at one time along with 4 or 5 magazines...anyway - I had a bad feeling after just a few pages - I could feel my face getting red and my blood boiling - someone else on here said this (maybe you) but I couldn't help but keep saying to myself - who does this person think they are?  this is THEIR opinion - ugh!  I'm a very open minded person (at least I think so) when it comes to everyone having a voice to believe/think what they want - I try not to expect people to conform to my beliefs, etc - but this just was over the top - major issues this author has.  I'm sitting there, reading this as a birthparent who placed in a closed adoption and it literally made me want to vomit!  I was livid...I scimmed through the book - there was no way I could finish it (sorry Abrazo....)....I also like to educate myself on other viewpoints from my own and hopefully become even more open-minded or enlightened on things but there is NO WAY this was going to do it for me.  Whether I'm right or wrong, I don't know but I wanted you to know that your review is exactly what I would have said (although you said it much more eloquently than I'm able to).  As far as Abrazo recommending it...well, I agree with someone else who posted a response to you on this - I think Abrazo provides us all with a list of books to read to educate ourselves on various viewpoints and it's up to us to draw our own conclusions as to the impact it will have/has on us - there are some fairly controversial topics on the forum that have been started by Abrazo and I guess that's one of the things I really liked about the agency - I felt that they don't try to push anything down your throat - they just provide resources for what's available out there, what's being talked about in the adoption community (good and bad), and trying to get some discussions going on here - they are very non-judgemental - I think the more we know and the more we're exposed to, it just makes us better parents...more informed and more aware of just how much literature and discussion is available on adoption, adoptees, adoptive parents, birthparents, etc.   I love these types of discussions...thanks for your post and comments!!

Another book I couldn't finish either - Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother or Parent or whatever...I thought it was DREADFUL and I hope and pray that if my daughter's birthmother ever reads it, she has enough sense to know that is just ONE person's thoughts, opinions, & feelings - it isn't a "one-size-fits-all" thing!  Just like every adoptee is different and has a different experience, every birthparent does and every adoptive parent does - thank goodness!!

And sort of off topic (Kayleigh's napping, my husband is in Europe on business at the moment - what can I say?  I have a lot of FREE time on my hands right now)....just wait until your little one arrives and you start the process of actually being a parent - whoa!  Will people ever have views and ideas that are polar opposite of you when it comes to raising a child and what is okay to do and what isn't.  And the books out there on that.....there are a few I've read and I just can't believe how there can be such vastly different parenting styles.  It's funny because Lance & I really didn't discuss in depth what our parenting style was...I mean, we talked about our thoughts on discipline and boundaries and extra-curricular things and education, values, etc - but that's actually quite different from parenting style.....with us, we found that we very quickly grabbed on to our own parenting style because that is what worked for us....and we keep refining it but it's definitely something we're very aware of now (that is that how we parent Kayleigh and how our friends (or co-workers, acquaintances) parent their children is very, very different - not that one way is better than the other but it's just really interesting to us that we never really gave it much thought before and now, it's something we try to incorporate and adhere to on a daily basis.....I'm sure it only gets more predominant once our babies, toddlers become school-age and aren't so much under our influence....

Okay, I'll ramble on to something else now...

Lisa

-Lisa

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That's interesting, Lisa. I really liked Secret Thoughts...I read it a couple of years ago when I was newly considering adoption and I appreciated the author's candidness with some of the feelings she had. I think there's so much pressure on AP's to feel they have to be perfect, even more so in the state adoption process (you guys don't have to go through the extensive training - believe me, the Abrazo paperwork is a joyful, carefree walk in the park comparatively! ), that's it's nice to know someone else may have less than perfect thoughts about the whole thing. And since she was adopting transracially, some of her worries about how her family would react were very valid.

I agree that different people have different mindsets and you certainly can't take any of the books that are more editorial commentaries as fact.

Now the book I had a hard time swallowing (although I have come to grips with it since reading it 2 years ago) is Dear Birthmother. The idea that as an AP, I "can never fully parent" incensed me!! I do not think that is true - anyone think that we as AP's are "incomplete" parents? I like what an AP told me her child to the question of "what is a mom?" and repeated to me on the phone the other day "A mom is the person who wipes your butt!" As much as I love and appreciate the sacrifices birthparents make, and will be forever grateful for their gift of a child to me when I adopt, I don't think their important role diminishes mine!

Thoughts from the peanut gallery? Julie and Rick, you didn't know what a great discussion forum you'd be starting, did you?  :p

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I'll have to re-read Dear Birthmother...I don't remember feeling too uncomfortable while reading that but also, I read it before Kayleigh arrived - and I feel I was much more of a birthmother then and related much more to the birthmother side of things then than I do now...I'm still very much a birthmother but above all else (and I sure hope I'm not offending anyone), I'm Kayleigh's mom - and I feel 100% as though I'm Kayleigh's mom (not even because I wipe her cute little hiney either)...I do feel that Kayleigh needs her birthmother in her life (which is an entirely different topic...sadly, Kayleigh's birthmother has chosen to wait a bit on having contact with us (actually, she said she didn't want any contact but we like to think that someday, that will change)...but for different reasons - I feel Kayleigh's birthmother is very much a part of Kayleigh (even though I'm more of a nurture person than nature person)...but I don't feel like because I didn't give birth to Kayleigh that I'm not fully her parent...I do feel like Kayleigh's birthmother can offer her something and provide her something that I am incapable of giving her...and that's why I very, very, very much want her in our life.  Anyway though, before I can truly provide comments on this book, I'll need to re-read it....

-Lisa

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Rick,

 Your post was awesome.  Intelligent, honest, candid and true.  Those qualities will not affect your chances to become adoptive parents.  Your birthparents will choose you because they value those things in you.  

   As far as the the titles that are being discussed in the previous posts.  I've read them all and all I can say is maybe these authors opinions are preparing your for some of the thoughts you will encounter in society.  Society as a whole and maybe even society closer to home.  I take everything I read with a grain of salt, but that doesn't mean it  doesn't infuriate me sometimes.  It does.  But what also infuriates me is that there are still attitudes about adoption that should have gone the way of the cave man.  Have faith.  You guys are right on the money.

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P.S.  I enjoyed Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, too.  I found it humorous and reassuring when I was trying to decided whether to live a childless life or pursue adoption.  Humor is wonderful medicine and relieves stress amazingly.

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Thanks, Garden. I think you are right on - the more we understand about adoption, the better parents we will be to these precious children.

After all of this controversy, I picked up and read through "20 Things..." and did not find it overwhelmingly negative or untrue. Having fostered my adopted nephew who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I can attest to the difficulty of living with a child who has not dealt with his loss and grief issues early on.

What I focused on in the book was the suggestions at the end of each chapter, which I think were very good for the most part...talking about adoption from an early age, holding your baby, creating a Life Book for the child, reassuring them that they were not rejected by their birthparents, having them write letters to their birthparents in order to uncover their feelings, affirming their value, respecting the child's wishes on privacy of their adoption, celebrating their unique biological and/or ethnic heritage, demonstrating empathy, etc.

I recognize that I probably have a different perspective than a typical AP. About 20% of my huband and I's combined family are adopted, some from the US and some internationally. Some have had very few adoption issues, while others have had major issues that have had significant consequences in their lives. As a result, I tend to take a perspective of "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" and agree with Abrazo's general philosophy that love needs to be combined with education.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thanks for your encouragement! We had a good time at orientation, especially meeting all the other AP's and birthmoms, and are ready to adopt! Our paperwork was Fedexed to Abrazo yesterday and I guess once our homestudy report is finished (the interviews are done and we "passed" - we're just waiting for the actual written document), they'll start the matching process.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying my "pregnancy" - we went to a child safety class last week and are signed up for a newborn care class at our local hospital in June. This weekend, we'll be in the "construction" business - putting together our new crib so we can finish up the nursery!

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Congratulations Linda and Scott.

Parenthood is just around the corner. Enjoy yourselves and as many "date nights" as possible. My husband and I were apart of the March 5 & 6 orientation -

The Forrestears. Just six weeks later, we took placement of our daughter Alana. It is definitely not if anymore, but when. Please keep us posted.

May God be with you during your journey.

Rhonda smile.gif

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I don't know if I should continue posting here, or move it over to the "Parents-in-Waiting" section...

We got our crib assembled this weekend. It looks so cute! I am still pinching myself thinking about the idea of a baby actually being in there sometime in the not-too-distant future. After 7 years of trying to become parents, whatever wait there will be for adoption through Abrazo seems miniscule in comparison!

All we have to do now is to put the pictures on the wall and make our curtains, and our nursery will be done.

Any ideas from you AP's on other things to do while you're waiting? I think I've read every adoption book ever published over the past few years, and now I'm onto baby/parenting books. At the same time, I'm kinda thinking that now's the time for hubby and I to take a long romantic weekend away - while we still can!

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Hi sugarfamily!

Well, you could keep posting here or you could start your very own spot in "Joyous Journeys"...either way....keep posting - this is so much fun to read about!!!

That romantic weekend away idea is a good one....try to think of all the things that will be difficult to do once your little one arrives and then make plans to do them! Lance & I took our big, annual, 2 week vacation just before we received the call about Kayleigh (had no idea when we left that a week after we returned home, we'd get that call...talk about timing!) So, that was in November 2002 - every year, we go to Florida for a couple of weeks - sometimes twice a year. Anyway - we missed it last year (I can't imagine how people can get it together enough to take a vacation with a baby!! ) but we have it scheduled for this November - Kayleigh will almost be 2 - so, what I"m saying is - by all means - take that trip or romantic get-away because you just don't know how long it will be before you do it again (I know for me personally - I'm just still not ready to leave Kayleigh overnight, much less for 2 or more overnights...(which is a good thing since there's really noone here to leave her with - all my family is in Texas - but even if they were here - I wouldn't be ready to do it...everyone is different though - a friend of mine is leaving her little boy with her parents for a weeklong trip and is excited and nervous).

Not that you can do much whale watching in Houston but it's a very popular thing to do in my neck of the woods (I live just outside of Seattle) - Lance & I moved here about a year before Kayleigh was born - we kept saying how one of these days, we wanted to do a whale watching tour (they last all day)...well, we never scheduled one and the prospects of us doing one look rather slim considering we may not even be living here within the next couple of years. The other thing we had always wanted to do (but never did) was go on a Seattle underground tour (way back a long time ago, downtown Seattle was however many feet lower than it is now - then there was a huge fire that destroyed everything so when they rebuilt, they built it higher because of all the problems it caused with it being so close to the water (or something like that - little bit of trivia I never knew about). Anyway, you can tour the "old" Seattle which is basically underneath what is now downtown Seattle but it's not for the faint hearted (it's a pretty grueling tour I understand) and not kid-friendly....So - those are just a few things we wish we would have done pre-Kayleigh that we'll probably never have the chance to do while we're living here...so - definitely do those things you've always wanted to do but just never got around to - because chances are, you'll put them off even longer once your baby arrives.

If you're planning on doing birth announcements, you could start checking into those and picking out what you want and even get your list together of who you want to send them to (and you can even buy the envelopes separately and have them addressed and everything - then just order the birth announcements once baby arrives).

There's a great post somewhere on here with lots of ideas on things to do while you wait...I'll try to dig it up....

Best wishes!

Lisa

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Hi Linda and Scott,

We enjoyed getting to know you and all of the other Tremendous Ten in May. I'm trying to keep myself busy now, too. I'm not much in the area of patience, but having a "project" is always something that helps me. We've been working on the yard, but before long it will be too hot to spend much time out there. We have our nursery ready, as well, so its just a matter of finding other things to occupy my "down-time" now. Hang in there. We're all in it together!

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Dear Linda and Scott,

It is wonderful to hear the hope and anticipation in your messages! Keep you eyes on the future, but your heart in the present- take time together as husband and wife to reaffirm your value to each other. You have had a long road getting to this point in your adoption journey and your support for each other will mean the world as placement approaches on the horizon. It is truly a matter of when, not if- and that day will be here before you know it! Our first child came to us through Abrazo very quickly (just a few short months after orientation). Our second, a darling baby boy born May 10, was two years in coming, but worth every worry and soul searching minute of those two years.

Keep the forum posted on your doings!

Tom and Emily D.

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Thanks for the advice, Tom and Emily! And congratulations on your new son.

We have decided to take a short, romantic pre-baby trip to Puerto Vallarta over the 4th of July weekend to celebrate 10 years of marriage and my 40th birthday. We just matched with a wonderful birthmom yesterday who is due in August, so the timing has worked out just right!

You're right about staying in the present while looking forward to the future. I have found that right now, I am enjoying my life more than I ever have. I appreciate every day as new and different, and an opportunity to experience life to the fullest. Then when I'm a mom, I'll appreciate all that parenthood offers!

One of the things I'm most grateful for right now is meeting a couple of birthmoms at orientation and then seeing everyone interact on the forum. I never could have imagined the instant bond I felt towards our birthmom when we talked and decided to match. Before learning about open adoption, I never gave much thought to the birthparents. But now that I'm matched, I care just as much about them as I do the baby. I'm REALLY looking forward to getting to know both of them, as well as their other children.

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I just want to share with everyone, what a wonderful agency Abrazo is to work with. We have been encountering a few issues with our match and Angela and Holly have really been working overtime to address our concerns and look out for everyone's best interests. Angela was encouraging me tonight that "all situations aren't like this" and I know she's right. I also know that there's a great team at Abrazo that will help guide us through to the other side and that when the time is right, we WILL experience the agency's promise of "not if, but when"! We are not discouraged, but even more hopeful of the future and confident that no matter what hiccups we encounter, we will be on our way to parenthood before you know it! Thanks Angela, Holly and Kelly - we really appreciate you!

Linda

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Just to let our online friends who may be tracking our progress to parenthood, I'm moving our posts to the Joyous Journeys section so we can leave the Looking to Adopt area for prospective clients of Abrazo or for newbies who have questions....so follow me there, if you're interested!

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  • 7 months later...

I dropped pur initial inquiry in the mail this evening. Hopefully, it will reach Texas early next week. Here's to the next steps. wink.gif

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Congratulations! You are now on your way to the most wonderful journey you could ever imagine. There may be some pot holes along the way, but you will be amazed how quickly things move forward. Good luck and keep us posted!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just curious, how long it takes to get the formal application after the initial inquiry has been submitted???

I know the inquiry has 3-4 weeks, but wondering if it really takes that long.

TIA, smile.gif

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It has been my experience that things move very quickly at Abrazo especially if you fit the need of the current unmatched birthmothers that are working with the agency. Call Angela and check it out!

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