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:( James and I got our letter today that we have not been accepted by Abrazo due to the fact that we already have a child coupled with our racial preferences. In hindsight, I should have checked the willingness to have a biracial child. If I do that now, will it make a difference? Honestly, it's not a huge issue with us; we just didn't think it all the way through when we filled out our application. I am absolutely devastated by this news. Of course, it doesn't help I am out of town on business and James had to break it to me over the phone. I really felt that Abrazo was the agency for us; it's the one agency I kept coming back during my research. I feel angry, hurt, sad, and a little betrayed. Even though everyone on this board kept assuring me that already having one child would not be a problem, I was really upset to see that it was used as one of the factors when the decision was made against us. What did we do wrong when all I kept reading about is how families with siblings would be welcome?

Since you all have been helpful in the past, I thought I would ask again. What do you think we should do? What would you do in our situation? I plan on contacting Abrazo in the morning to discuss this further, but any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Abrazo is a wonderful organization and the Forum is an excellent source of information, inspiration and support. Feel free to ask any questions and contribute in any way you can to the open discussions. We look forward to following along on your journeys!

Peace,

Dan

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Erin... If you are open to situations that you did not indicate on your paperwork, then I would certainly make a call to see if that makes a difference. It is sometimes difficult for any of us to know what situations we are capable of handling until such time as the situation presents itself to us. I know that just a few short years ago, I wasn't sure of that myself...

Place a call tomorrow.

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I agree I need to do that, but I am still concerned that race and ethnicity was only one factor in their determination. I guess I am trying to make sense of the comment in the letter that "you already have one child."

Erin... If you are open to situations that you did not indicate on your paperwork, then I would certainly make a call to see if that makes a difference. It is sometimes difficult for any of us to know what situations we are capable of handling until such time as the situation presents itself to us. I know that just a few short years ago, I wasn't sure of that myself...

Place a call tomorrow.

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Erin,

I am sorry.

I do know, if it helps to understand their statement, that againers usually take longer to place and because of this Abrazo only takes as many couples with children as they believe can take placement in a given time.

I am praying that your heart desires will become a reality soon.

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Erin, Melissa is right. There are many different things that affect Abrazo's orientation invitations because they don't want to have families hanging out there forever. They have an idea of what birthparents are looking for, so it isn't that you are wrong. They may not often have babies that "fit" your preferences, and those that may might prefer that their child is the first.

Our family choices aren't for everyone, but we have two beautiful African American baby girls, and my husband and I are both anglo. It has been an interesting adventure and we wouldn't trade it for anything. If you have any questions about transracial parenting, feel free to ask (you can pm me if you would like).

Hopefully you will have better understanding after you talk with Abrazo. Wishing you the best in seeking an addition for your family!

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Hi Erin,

I'm sorry that you weren't accepted into the program. I received my letter a few weeks ago letting us know the same news. We were not accepted because I did achieve a pregnancy through invitro even though I miscarried and I still have a frozen embryo. I talked to Angela and she told me that this was the reason they didn't consider us infertile. It was shocking news to me because all the doctors consider us infertile. We do not plan to use the frozen embryo and feel that adoption is what we are meant to do. So, I contacted my doctor and am waiting for a letter from him to send to Abrazo. Hopefully they will have a change of heart after they receive the letter. I felt all the things you did when we recieved the letter and am praying that things will work out. Good luck to you and please don't give up hope.

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Erin - I'm so sorry about that. I wonder if they have too many couples already with children? As much as it stinks, I like the fact that agencies like Abrazo "cut off" the number of aparents after so many, just so that they don't get overrun and the wait becomes that much longer for the people in the book KWIM? It is STILL hard though!!

We are open to all races, and have a child, but are having to wait until I turn 25 (end of May). So, even though it's not a big deal, and with our recent move is actually kind of nice to be able to relax...it still stinks.

Well I forgot to send in our picture with our inquiry, so I did that last week (hopefully they didn't all gasp in horror LMAO). I'm not sure if they are going to wait until after I turn 25 to send back the full application, or do it now. I would love for them to do it now so that we can take our time filling it out then send it back after I turn 25. Funny...most people sorta get sad at 25 because they are "halfway through thier twenties" as a friend of mine said. I can not WAIT because then we will be on our road to another baby!!

Natalie

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Oh Natalie, how I would love to be 25 again!!!

I didn't become a parent until I was 32. And now I parent two at 43 (shhhh). Now I can only pretend to be younger, keeping up with a pre-teen and a first grader who keep me on my toes.

No wonder I am tired all the time...but I wouldn't trade any of our journey for the world.

Best of luck to you...

And Erin and James. The initial questionaires are important...so take your time answering and searching your soul for how an adoption agency can best help you. Open adoption is an option for family building for those who come with openness, desire, willingness and need to learn more....on how to become ready with realistic expectations. On top of agency specific requirements like age and length of marraige, proof of infertility, etc.

In the beginning open adoption is more about connecting with an expectant Mom/Dad and less about parenting their baby. The later will come naturally. Be honest to yourselves and to the parents who will entrust you to parent through adoption, if this is the option you choose. Be ready to work through many thoughts and feelings (and discussions with your spouse) you've maybe never explored before now.

Karen

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I second what Karen said. Adoption in general makes you realize so much about yourself as an individual. Between overcoming your own stereotypes & insecurities, there is so much emotion there. I'm SO glad of the training and research I did before adoption, especially boards like these, where I could hear from bparents, adoptees, and other aparents.

As far as the race preference goes...I must ask you to challenge yourself as to why you are open to biracial but not full AA children. I don't mean to pose this in a judging way believe me. I just would want you to look within yourself and ask yourself that question. Biracial children will have the same racial outlook for most of society as full AA children (and sometimes it's harder) and most of the time (in my personal experience) they look AA or biracial, so most of the "racism" you would face with a full AA child you will with a biracial. Anyways, not meaning to pry...I just have been there with my dh (who felt this way until I posed the same question on him).

Also, I would also caution you to be open to only what you are comfortable with. Don't be open to biracial if you or your spouse would see it as "worst case". I cannot diminish the face that there will be certain aspects of your parenting and everyday life that will forever be different when you become a transracial family. I see them as blessings, but I know many people who just aren't comfortable with it and the attention that transracial families recieve everyday, everywhere they go. It's better to be honest now than regret it later.

As far as the open adoption goes, I too think it's a very natural process. The more research you do, the more aware you become of some of your own insecurities which will need to be overcome for your child's sake. Once you research more you will likely see what I did, which is how important open adoption is TO THE ADOPTEE! It's not about the bparent, or aparents for me (even though I believe everyone does benefit) it's about the child. YES open adoption is harder for all involved at times, but it's worth it because it is for the child. You will also find that in the research you do, that you aren't expected to NOT have certain feelings (jealousy, etc) with the bparents...you do have these and a lot of the times you can't help it. What they do is prepare you to KNOW what you are feeling, being able to recognize it, so you know how to deal with it.

Anyways, I wish you luck!! Open adoption is such a NEW thing to much of the society, it's hard to imagine it working (especially with all those Lifetime movies)...but it can work and does (for most)!

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Erin and James, it is true that we all have to be honest with what we can handle. The racial considerations are not the only ones. When we first started looking into adoption, we started asking others what would happen if the birth mother had smoked, consumed alcohol, done drugs, and to what degree could we realistically expect a healthy child.

Most of the children that are placed for adoption come from less-than-ideal situations. It doesn't mean that the baby won't be healthy, but there are never guarantees, even if we were all able to have biological children. In the past year, I have had a friend that is VERY health-conscious lose her baby during delivery. Another friend currently has a baby in NICU, and they have had constant prenatal care and have stable homes, support, finances, etc.

All of this is to say that adoption is a bumpy road. This one may exist to move you to where you need to be (another agency or re-thinking an aspect of your inquiry). Most of us have had similar bumps (and I would be happy to share some of ours with you if you would like). Some are public and some are private, but they all work together to get you in place to meet your child.

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I have a quick question. My wife and I are both infertile. Now, if we were able to have children ourselves, health insurance would pay a substantial amount of pregnacy and birth costs. Since we are not able to have our own children we have to absorb all of the costs that come with adoption. We will be able to pay to adopt a child with help from family, but on the other hand I don't want them to feel like they have to help us either. So my question is....is there financial assistance out there to help with adoption costs? Has anybody ever gotten financial assistance to help with their adoption? Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks again,

Mark

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I have a quick question. My wife and I are both infertile. Now, if we were able to have children ourselves, health insurance would pay a substantial amount of pregnacy and birth costs. Since we are not able to have our own children we have to absorb all of the costs that come with adoption. We will be able to pay to adopt a child with help from family, but on the other hand I don't want them to feel like they have to help us either. So my question is....is there financial assistance out there to help with adoption costs? Has anybody ever gotten financial assistance to help with their adoption? Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks again,

Mark

Hi Mark,

There is a topic addressing your specific question. Click this link: FINANCING AN ADOPTION for details and feel free to post in it if you have additional questions, comments, etc.

This forum has a wealth of knowledge and if you can't find it, do just as you did and post a question. Someone is bound to know where it is or have some insight or experience.

Good luck to you! :)

-Adam

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Thanks to all of you who have commented. In my initial post, if I implied that we were looking for a specific child (race, health, etc.), then I apologize. We did not enter this process lightly. We carefully considered a number of different options that would allow us to become parents again. We both agreed that adoption was the right course of action for us and James, being adopted himself, was in a unique position to understand a number of concerns and issues a birth parent and, then subsequently, a child, would have. Based on a number of factors, including some of the issues James faced, he was honest enough to admit that he had some limitations. Our mistake was not being clear enough on what we were open for in a child. I think all of us understand that there is always a risk when a child is born; none of us (biological or adoptive parents) can predict the future or health of the child. We are willing to take that chance. However, the other hurdle James and I face is that we have one biological child and, to be frank, it surprised me how detrimental that can be in the adoption process. For many reasons and out of respect for the work Abrazo does, I will not comment further on this issue in the forum.

What I will say is that I did call today and had a very candid conversation. While the comments I heard were definitely not what I wanted to hear, I appreciated that person's honesty based on her perceptions and experience. So, now we are starting back at the beginning. Even if we changed our preferences, which is what I wanted to do, we would still not be accepted at this point by Abrazo due in part because we have a biological child; also, there are only so many families they can help at one time, which I truly do understand. If I am honest, it is a bitter pill to swallow to acknowledge we are not one of those families. Please do not take these comments as me being negative about Abrazo. These ladies have a very tough job and I don't know if I could do it! Now, I have to reflect and determine our next steps.

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Good luck Erin and James... wherever and however your journey begins and ends. :)

I really do not believe the child you now parent stands in your way of adopting, if that is where your heart is leading you.

Peace,

Karen

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Erin & James - I felt the same when we first started looking into adoption at the age of 23. We were turned away by multiple agencies. Just know that the right agency IS out there...and that there is a higher power that is leading you there. It still stings though...so don't feel bad about venting.

It's just hard to start over huh?

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Good luck Erin and James. Don't look at it as starting back from the beginning. Just take it as a learning experience and know that this will get you one step closer to finding the agency that is right for you and one step closer to your child. I was a little upset when we were not accepted but I totally agree with you that the ladies of Abrazo have a tough job. We just have to keep trying. I won't give up till I have my child in my arms. My prayers are with you.

Melissa

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Erin and James,

Hoping that you find the avenue to expanding your family that is right for you! Good luck on your journey and I hope you find peace and renewed energy to find the agency that fits your family best!!

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As an adoption professional, one of the hardest tasks we have is evaluating inquiries to assess a "fit" between applicants and the agency. Aside from specific criteria (i.e. age, length of marriage, infertility diagnosis), there typically isn't any one item on the inquiry that would deter us from approving the inquiry, rather a combination of factors. Ultimately when approving inquiries, we have to give first preference to families who make ideal placement resources for the children we are placing.

It is no secret that we place a large number of full Hispanic children here at Abrazo. So families open to full Hispanic children are always needed and space at our orientations is always saved for those couples. Obviously, families also open to a variety of other backgrounds including African American and biracial children are always desirable as placement resources as well. (Please note: children of Anglo/Hispanic background are not bi-racial--both are of the Caucasian race. "Biracial" denotes descendents of two races, ie., Anglo/African American, Hispanic/African American, Asian/African American, etc.)

In addition, we do limit the space that's available for couples already parenting. We find that couples with a child/children already in the home wait longer than first time parents-to-be, although birthparents are more receptive to placing with families with adopted children, vs. biological. Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely; however, in our experience a large number of our birthparents do prefer childless couples. Would the fact that you have a child be the sole factor in determining whether we approve or deny your inquiry? No; it would also depend on other factors, such as level of openness, geographic location, willingness to consider older children, etc.

I do realize how difficult it must be to receive a letter stating we are unable to proceed to the application step, but I hope that no family has deterred their dreams of building/expanding their family solely because we were unable to assist them. There is no shortage of adoption agencies out there and every agency decides their own admittance criteria, so hopefully with enough research everyone can find "the right" agency for them.

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Angela-

So well written and so well said. I'm glad I'm not in you guy's "shoes" making those day to day decisions. Ya'll rock!

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What hard decisions.... It is good to know that you all put so much time and thought into what you do.....But I really had no doubt about that!

Julie

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Good luck Erin and James... wherever and however your journey begins and ends. I really do not believe the child you now parent stands in your way of adopting, if that is where your heart is leading you.

Indeed, it does not! While Abrazo does not currently have need of families with biological children who are seeking to adopt only Anglo (or Anglo-Hispanic) newborns, there's nothing to stop Erin and James (nor any other motivated applicants) from pursuing a DESIGNATED ADOPTION here!

Just because our agency doesn't typically attract parents specifically seeking to place with folks with homegrown children (or those who still have the potential to produce same) doesn't mean applicants can't find some who are, and obtain the same quality placement services through Abrazo's designated program.

In Texas, the vast majority of adoptions are parent-driven, meaning they are privately-initiated by adoptive couples who initially locate interested prospective birthparents without agency assistance, by placing ads in newspapers, posting adoption profiles online, mass mailing letters to ob-gyns and crisis pregnancy centers, and otherwise getting the word out of one's desire to adopt. (Hope & Joel, who recently took placement of their long-awaited son here, can surely attest to the success of this method of matching, as can Lance & Lisa!)

After all, the finding of a prospective birthparent with whom to make adoption plans is just one small-but-costly part of all that goes into a successful adoption here at Abrazo. (This is why our program passing a savings of $4k onto those who match through their own means (advertising/networking) rather than relying on our agency's marketing.)

From the point that an adoptive family refers their prospective birthparent/s to Abrazo for case management, we begin the same quality services for first parents as for adoptive parents;

    * coordinating services (prenatal care, childcare, legal, homestudies/updates/supervision),

    * monitoring patient care as well as family and child progress

    * obtaining case/medical/psychosocial history

    * providing counseling and support

    * assessing financial costs/coverage, subsidy availability, etc.

    * preparing state-mandated file documentation to ensure a case's legality

    * facilitating relationships between the parents, the attorneys and medical providers

    * obtaining necessary consents for placement

    * advising clients of case risks when pertinent

    * filing Interstate Compact where necessary

    * mediating between birthparents/adoptive parents/extended family as needed

    * supervising all aspects of the case before and after placement.

At Abrazo, the same extraordinary personnel provide the same caring client services for our designated cases as in our full-service program, through placement to finalization and beyond. The only difference is how they came into Abrazo's care and whether infertility/orientation were necessary prerequisites (oh, and the cost savings that come with a designated case experience.)

For those who long to have all the advantages of an Abrazo adoption (yet may not meet the admissions requirements for our Milagros program) a designated adoption at Abrazo is always an alternative worth considering.

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Guest jenmcd
... Funny...most people sorta get sad at 25 because they are "halfway through thier twenties" as a friend of mine said. I can not WAIT because then we will be on our road to another baby!!

Natalie

Woo-hoo someone younger than Amos and I! As I near my 29th (and Amos still at 27th boo!) year I find myself not looking as forward to 30 as I once had. But, I have always been an old soul, as is my husband. I am just glad to see another couple on here similar in age and old soul spirit!

Nice to meet ya'll!

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... Funny...most people sorta get sad at 25 because they are "halfway through thier twenties" as a friend of mine said. I can not WAIT because then we will be on our road to another baby!!

Natalie

Just think your half way to 50. ;) At least that's what others teased me about when I was 25.

Heather :)

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As an adoption professional, one of the hardest tasks we have is evaluating inquiries to assess a "fit" between applicants and the agency. Aside from specific criteria (i.e. age, length of marriage, infertility diagnosis), there typically isn't any one item on the inquiry that would deter us from approving the inquiry, rather a combination of factors. Ultimately when approving inquiries, we have to give first preference to families who make ideal placement resources for the children we are placing.

It is no secret that we place a large number of full Hispanic children here at Abrazo. So families open to full Hispanic children are always needed and space at our orientations is always saved for those couples. Obviously, families also open to a variety of other backgrounds including African American and biracial children are always desirable as placement resources as well. (Please note: children of Anglo/Hispanic background are not bi-racial--both are of the Caucasian race. "Biracial" denotes descendents of two races, ie., Anglo/African American, Hispanic/African American, Asian/African American, etc.)

In addition, we do limit the space that's available for couples already parenting. We find that couples with a child/children already in the home wait longer than first time parents-to-be, although birthparents are more receptive to placing with families with adopted children, vs. biological. Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely; however, in our experience a large number of our birthparents do prefer childless couples. Would the fact that you have a child be the sole factor in determining whether we approve or deny your inquiry? No; it would also depend on other factors, such as level of openness, geographic location, willingness to consider older children, etc.

I do realize how difficult it must be to receive a letter stating we are unable to proceed to the application step, but I hope that no family has deterred their dreams of building/expanding their family solely because we were unable to assist them. There is no shortage of adoption agencies out there and every agency decides their own admittance criteria, so hopefully with enough research everyone can find "the right" agency for them.

I have to respond...

Background...Paul and I have one child who is(was at the time) an Abrazo-babe. Paul and I decided to expand our family. I called Abrazo and they were not ready for us.

We decided to adopt through another agency in San Antonio...and they were NOT Abrazo! One day, our angel...Angela...called to tell us that Abrazo was ready and we left the other agency behind and tearfully hugged Elizabeth while she welcomed us home...

If I had to do it all over, I would have worked harder, been more patient...and worked only with Abrazo. There are no other people like the women at Abrazo and I am proud and can yell from the roof-tops, my babes are Abrazo-babes.

My point? Really evaluate what your family looks like in the future! Be honest with your expectations regarding open adoptions, scenarios you would be willing to consider, and the people who you would work with. Being honest doesn't mean trying to meet others' needs, it is how you vision your family! Can you live with a lifelong commitment to your child(ren)'s birthfamilies? Do you really believe that openness is for your child, not to have a child in your home? Can you comment appropriately when people ask you, "Where is he/she from?" Do you really believe that God really has a master plan?

If you are accepted into Abrazo, congratulations. If not, take the time to understand the issue and check to see if they really do fit into your expectations and vice versa.

Good luck all and God Bless!!

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... Funny...most people sorta get sad at 25 because they are "halfway through thier twenties" as a friend of mine said. I can not WAIT because then we will be on our road to another baby!!

Natalie

Just think your half way to 50. ;) At least that's what others teased me about when I was 25.

Heather :)

LOL!! Okay well thanks for the downer there! HA! I am getting pampered by my girlfriend for my bday because she knows we are looking to adopt after it! She has two kids so she tells me to live it up with just one because the REAL fun begins with two! LOL

Jen - Hello!! It's fun for me to see other couples who are our age adopting! Mainly because of all the looks of awe we get from others when they know our age (not to mention the "just-a-little-too-obnoxious" comments from some about how "we should live OUR lives first before kids"...which is exactly what we are doing BY having kids!!!). We are also old souls...it's just a maturity thing and every person hits a part of thier lives at different ages. Part of what I love about humanity is the diversity!!

Angela - Oh my am I not envious about that part of your job. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to tell an adoptive couple "No for now". I think it's great that you are fueled, not by greed (like some agencies who take on anyone if they get thier check in the mail) but for the greater good for everyone involved. Of course...I believe sometimes this is God's way of opening a person's heart to someone they may not have been open to.

As for us, well...I decided that until we officially join Abrazo, I am going to enjoy my time with being just "three" for now. I think God puts speed bumps in my path many times as a way of (sometimes not so gently) telling me to slow down for just a little...and usually it turns out just perfect, so I trust Him. Adopting our son has made it much easier to see how God works in His time, and the beauty that he has in store for us. I know that our little son/daughter needs us to wait for now....and I will.

Meanwhile...did anyone do anything to prepare for having two versus one? I find myself being SO excited but then a little part of me is scared...will it be too much? Will it make me too busy for my kids?

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