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Birthmommy

Adoptive Parents and their grandchildren

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Ok, this has been bugging me the last couple of days, and I just wanted some imput from my favorite forum friends :-)

As you all know I'm about to give birth in about 5 weeks. My mom is coming out for the whole ordeal and to help. But I was thinking, is this going to be hard on her watching the whole thing, knowing she never was able to have her own child?

I know she loves me and is so happy for Mike and I, but at the sametime, do you think it will be painful at all for her? And if so, what can I do?

Thanks

Loriahn

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Not knowing your mom and speaking as an adoptive mom, I do not think you need to worry. How sweet and sensitive you are to even think that she may have a hard time with birth and delivery. I am guessing she would not want to miss one moment. You and the new grandbaby are the most important right now. Your mom will be a grandmother which is the greatest gift in the world, even she knows how lucky she is.

I have already talked to my girls about the day (a long way off since my girls are 9 and 4) that I will become a grandma and how that happens. It's the cycle of life and it is so wonderful.

I was not able to be at the birth of either of my girls. I look forward to the future knowing I can be there for the birth of my grandchildren. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Hopefully your mom feels the same way.

Karen

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I agree with Karen (above). I'll be so thrilled for our girls (when they are MUCH older they are only 10 and 12) to have children of their own. I don't think I'll want to be in the delivery room, but I'll be right outside! What a sensitive daughter you are! Your mom is very lucky. Best wishes to all of you. smile.gif

Edited by weadoptedthree

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I'm already talking about grand-children - I can't wait for Kayleigh to be old enough to have children, and I hope and pray she wants lots of them!- I want lots and lots and lots and the closer we live, the better! It will be a magical moment for me to see Kayleigh as a mom, whether it's through adoption or biological or whatever! (Granted, I'm assuming Kayleigh will even want to have children, let's hope so!) I think it's something most parents do look forward to.....To see her feel the love for her child that I feel for her - just becoming a mom myself has helped me so much to see and understand better my mom and how she feels about me - the love you feel for a child is truly overwhelming and until you have one, it's just so hard to describe.

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Loriahn,

Your mom did have "her own" children.

She just didn't birth them! wink.gif

That said, I do think you're wise to consider her feelings... social workers in adoption are cautioned in training that parents who adopt without resolving their own infertility issues continue to struggle with unprocessed grief throughout their lives, and that the birth of their grandchildren may trigger unexpected loss responses many years later.

So maybe your mom's ability to fully enjoy the delivery will depend on her own experience, but it sounds like a good topic for a heart-to-heart, mother-daughter talk between now and then.

I'm thinking that infertility therapist Patricia Irwin Johnston says something about this in one of her books... I'll try to see if I can find any appropriate links to post here!

Thanks for raising such a important subject. You're going to be a great mom, you know!

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When we were struggeling thru inferlitlity, my sister and I got pregnant at the same time, like days apart. I lost my baby at 9 weeks, and she went on to have a successful pregnancy. For the most part I was very happy for her, but the other part of me, was like "why me". But funny enough as time went on, she shared SO much of her pregnancy with me, and I got to be there for the delivery it was like I had a bit of pregnancy and labor myself. I am so glad I was there and not upset about it and just enjoyed watching the miracle of life arriving. Later I was able to give birth, and as awesome as it was, so was the experience of adoption, and not alot of people get to walk down that path either. I feel overjoyed I got to do both. Miracles come in different ways each day. I bet there will be no hard feelings.

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The only part that may be hard on your mom is watching you, in pain, not knowing what she can do to help you through the experience. She may not be able to say, "I know how this feels"...but, the next day, when you are holding your beautiful child and gazing into his/her eyes, she will be able to say, "I know exactly how you feel".

Good luck!

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