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Is Adoption the Wrong Choice?

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I had a lot (seriously a LOT) of doubts about weither or not I was making the right choice by choosing adoption for my son. What it boiled down to was- Did I desire to raise him solely for my own sake.

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I had a lot (seriously a LOT) of doubts about weither or not I was making the right choice by choosing adoption for my son. What it boiled down to was- Did I desire to raise him solely for my own sake.

Kristal,

Thank you for loving your son so much that it wasn't only about you. We love you and wish you the very best!

Hugs from the Rio Grande Valley,

Claudia

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If only she'd called an adoption agency instead.... her son might still be alive, today.

Rest in peace, sweet boy. :(

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This gives me chills just reading this.... especially the child's name "Ty"..... praying for understanding for all involved....

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The Dallas Morning News ran an editorial recently in support of birthparents, which mentioned the opposition that moms-planning-to-place so often encounter from well-meaning friends and family members who don't understand what they're doing and why. Here's an excerpt:

No denying a mother's love in adoption decision

12:00 AM CDT on Friday, May 22, 2009

Michelle Hurst, facing the hardest task of her life, needed all the support she could get.

Instead, her best friend tried to talk her out of it.

"It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do," Michelle said. "And she said, 'You're making the wrong decision.' "

Michelle was making the right decision. A single mother of two young children, she was unexpectedly pregnant again. She decided to place the baby with an adoptive family.

Her friend came around – eventually, she became a rock of support, staying with Michelle during her delivery and hospital stay – but some women's friends and families do not.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would find fault with such selflessness, but they sometimes do.

There's sometimes a disturbing undercurrent of bias out there, a disapproving snap judgment that supposes there's something discreditable in a young woman who could "give up her own baby."

Sadly, I have seen it, once or twice, in the courtroom. I saw it in the sickening 2001 case of an 8-year-old Hutchins girl who was rescued after years spent locked in a trailer-house closet, where she was starved, beaten and assaulted.

The little girl's mother, who was largely responsible for her torment, had actually placed her with adoptive parents years earlier. But the mother's own family, fearful of the giving-up-your-own-baby stigma, badgered her into withdrawing from the agreement, and into taking the child back.

The result was a gothic horror of a story, a sick case of abuse in which the only salvageable thread of hope is the fact that the girl survived, and has long since been reunited with the adoptive family.

As a culture, I sometimes wonder why we don't do more to recognize placing an unexpected baby for adoption as an act of profound wisdom.

It's common ground between those who view abortion as a moral evil and those who believe every child should be planned, loved and wanted.

While some groups who promote a pro-life agenda are out shouting at Planned Parenthood clients through bullhorns, [what society needs most] is a triumph of pragmatism over politics, of compassion over self-righteousness.

This view delivers on the frequently voiced but sometimes hollow mantra of the child's best interests, by offering supplemental support to women who have chosen adoption.

A DFW area caseworker says that birthmothers are especially overwhelmed by the weight of their problems.

"It's not like she's living in a vacuum, with just this pregnancy to think about," Jennifer said. "About 85 percent of them have been through a breakup" with the baby's father, she said. "And their friends and family may be struggling with what they're doing."

Michelle's healthy baby boy, Asher, was born six weeks ago.

Placing him in his new mother's arms was so hard that Michelle, blinded by tears, fled from the room.

But she knows he is secure, happy and cherished by his parents. She put her child's welfare before her own.

That's the definition of maternal grace.

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What a horrific tragedy, right here in our own backyard.

For all the moms we know whose families tried to talk them out of adoption planning with the old platitude that "blood is thicker than water", here's a reminder that sometimes, water can help make things new by washing away toxicity and freeing children from some of the toxic illness that otherwise festers within bloodlines...

If only this mom had made placement plans instead, her child might be alive today.

God bless the child!

(Note to staff: why is it that this baby's first three names sound so familiar, but not the mother's? Let's check our old intake files tomorrow to see whether someone other than the mom ever called Abrazo.)

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What a horrific tragedy, right here in our own backyard.

For all the moms we know whose families tried to talk them out of adoption planning with the old platitude that "blood is thicker than water", here's a reminder that sometimes, water can help make things new by washing away toxicity and freeing children from some of the toxic illness that otherwise festers within bloodlines...

If only this mom had made placement plans instead, her child might be alive today.

God bless the child!

(Note to staff: why is it that this baby's first three names sound so familiar, but not the mother's? Let's check our old intake files tomorrow to see whether someone other than the mom ever called Abrazo.)

That is the worst thing I have ever read! So terrible!

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What a horrific tragedy, right here in our own backyard.

For all the moms we know whose families tried to talk them out of adoption planning with the old platitude that "blood is thicker than water", here's a reminder that sometimes, water can help make things new by washing away toxicity and freeing children from some of the toxic illness that otherwise festers within bloodlines...

If only this mom had made placement plans instead, her child might be alive today.

God bless the child!

(Note to staff: why is it that this baby's first three names sound so familiar, but not the mother's? Let's check our old intake files tomorrow to see whether someone other than the mom ever called Abrazo.)

This story makes my heart along with my stomach turn over. How terrible. It said that the other two children were in the home also that lived there.

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When I heard about this story on the news last night, it made me cringe!!! Only, if she had chosen adoption, where would that baby be instead of heaven right now. God rest her soul... and may she get the help that this mother so NEEDS!!! :blink:

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I read about this in the paper today. It is so hard to wrap my brain around this. All I can think about is what this poor baby felt when it all began. I sure hope God took him quickly.

Jan

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The more and more I hear about this story.... the worst it gets.... the 'animal'-like or 'demonic'-like behavior of this mother is horrific. If only lil' Scotty had had a chance for a future adoptive family. God bless his soul.... :ph34r:

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There is something so terribly ironic about the fact that this mother, Otty Sanchez, who sacrificed her baby's life was taken to University Hospital for treatment on the same morning that Grace Ellen's mother was discharged from that same hospital, preparing instead to secure her baby's future through a loving adoption plan.

It's becoming more clear, with continued (and unnecessarily grotesque) news reports that Otty's son probably would not have been a likely candidate for adoption, since his father was in the picture and helping to house and support this child and his mom until Otty's recent move-out. His parents have stated in recent interviews that they love(d) Otty like a daughter; obviously, her own mother and sister were also trying to help her care for the baby in their home, as well, taking shifts until that fateful moment when he was killed in the early hours of the morning.

Very few mothers with mental illness have the forethought to make loving adoption plans, unfortunately. And those who do generally need alot of ongoing support to negotiate the sharp curves of grief that follow.

I appreciate Dyna's prayer that she get the help she needs, and I join her in that petition. I can't help but think of how devastated this woman will likely be when the fog passes and she realizes the horror of what her illness caused her to do.

Prayers, also, for Scott W. Bucholtz, the baby's father, and his family, as they struggle to come to terms with this unspeakable loss!

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I don't know how many folks out there saw the original letter referenced in this Dear Abby column, but it was very sad, and I can't help but wonder how many other desperate moms are out there thinking the same thing without any realization that there IS help available, if they reach out?

Mother's Plight Arouses Concern

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I would say to anyone considering placing a child for adoption that they should really know what they'll be facing AFTER relinquishment, not just days later but weeks, months, years. This decison you make now will affect you for the rest of your life.

I've copy and pasted the following from http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html check the link out for more detailed information.

My nights were broken

Split by the wail

of my phantom baby's cries

Half asleep I would stumble

to the crib that wasn't there

Awake

Aware now

I would return

to my bed

With empty, aching, arms

I wondered

as I hugged my pillow close

and rocked myself to sleep

If you were out there

truly crying

If your cries had somehow traveled to me

If you were now being rocked and comforted by another

Or if those tears

and cries

were welling up

from a place deep within me

and spilling into my dreams.

BR, 1995

Losing a child to adoption is one of the most significant losses that birthparents will ever have to face. For most of us it is also our first experience with the intensity of grief. While grieving is the normal reaction to loss, it hardly feels that way. Sleeplessness, nightmares, depression, anxiety and anger are all ways that grief may manifest itself. The road to healing is as individual as the person experiencing it. .

Today, open adoption is often presented to birthparents as a way to lessen the grief of losing a child to adoption. Ongoing contact with the child and the adoptive family is often portrayed only in ideal terms. However, being able to see your child and even eventually develop a relationship with him or her, does not change the fact that you are no longer the child's parent. In fact, the loss of being Mom or Dad is often painfully obvious to us with each visit, from the infant who will only stop crying when the adoptive mother picks him up, to the toddler who has become Daddy's little girl. The grief we feel for our children includes not only missing the times we had with them as their mother or father, but mourning for the times we will not have with them as their parents.

One of the first steps in dealing with any loss is in knowing how grief may manifest itself. While I will be discussing various phases of the grieving process, it is important to remember that everyone goes through it in their own way, and in their own time. Your emotions may run the gamut, from sadness, to anger, guilt, relief and anxiety, all in one day! There is no set time table for processing your loss.

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I have a strong feeling that this post wont go over well but this is a section for women considering adoption, and this topic is called "Is Adoption the Wrong Choice."

The Case Against Adoption: Research and Alternatives for Concerned Citizens

Heres the direct link, opposed to embedded: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/257390/the_case_against_adoption_research_pg6.html?cat=17

Another interesting bit of information:

"True some birthmothers did marry, and have other children. However, according to research, far too many did not have another child, 20 to 30% by choice (Anderson, Deykin), and others suffered a secondary infertility rate 170% higher than the general population (Deykin). "

http://www.ansrs.com/statistics.htm

Edited by kristal

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This is definitely a reminder that any adoption worth doing is worth doing the "right" way...

Charity Newton is a Texas mom who had previously placed through an agency, but when she found herself overwhelmed with another baby boy, opted to place her son Sylar Newton privately, with a friend she knew and trusted... a friend who is now charged with little Sylar's death, along with her own mother:

Grandmother Also Charged in Sylar's Death

While dealing with an adoption agency and all the paperwork involved can seem like a nuisance at times (and although agency placements, too, can have unexpected outcomes on occasion), the protection of post-placement supervision and the overview of adoption professionals can help protect children like Sylar, in cases like this.

Adoption is NOT a perfect alternative, and it's not right for everyone. But done right, it surely could have offered a brighter future for a child like Sylar... may he rest in peace.

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:( So sad... Abrazo was working with a mom with several other children last fall who decided not to place... we just got word that she is presently in jail for the death of that baby, who would have been less than a week old, now. Our hearts go out to the child whose life was snuffed out, the siblings who will grow up with the loss, and the mother who was so ill-prepared for what she thought she wanted most.

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So tragic and so sad!

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What awful news.... prayers for this family. :(

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So heartbreaking... so awful for that precious infant and his/her siblings left behind.

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Such heartbreaking news :(

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So heartbreaking! Prayers for this family. I just can't imagine.

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