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How do I tell my Parents?


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Hello!

Here is the deal.  My parents know about my triplets I placed last year, they are totally supportive of the adoption (not the pregnancy mind you).  My mom still lets me talk about them, but my Dad won't hear any of it.   I know they were really hurt by the whole process.

With my latest pregnancy I didn't tell them I was even pregnant.  Or about the baby.  I talk to my mom about 6 times a day.  I sometimes just want to blurt it out because I just NEED to tell her, but then my dad won't ever talk to me again (trust me, he is this way, when I found out I was pregnant with the triplets and told them, I didn't hear from them for two weeks, and then the only reason I did was that Sept 11.)  I know eventually I will HAVE to tell them.  But what is the best way?  Do I wait to do it in person?  Is this the thing you can tell someone over the phone or through email?

What should I do?

Thanks, Angel

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Only you will know the right time and the right words to tell your parents.  I can give you another viewpoint that I learned going through our infertility years.  A counselor once asked me why I kept my infertility a big secret. Why did I want to bear the burden and stress all be myself when she knew I had a loving family that could support me and share the hard times.  Every period (month)was a hard time.  I did not want anyone to know (especially my family) that I was flawed, that was how I felt at the time.  After some brief counseling, I was able to talk about it and it was like a huge weight being lifted.  When my loved ones knew what we were going through as a couple, alot of the hurt eased. Family became more in tune with our challenges and less hurtful things were being said in our presence.  The hurtful things were being said inadvertantly because they did not know our secret struggles.  When you ease your stress, I think you can think more clearly and gain back confidence.  It sounds like your Mom is a close friend and would not abandon you. ( Moms are like that )  Consider talking with a counselor or someone at Abrazo regarding your secret.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Well, it's been six weeks since Fiona was born, and I am still no closer to telling my parents.  And it's coming down to the wire, that I need to tell them before they find out.  

I have also realized another fear that I have.  I am afraid my Dad will "write me off" so to speak.  and if does, he won't allow my mom and I to talk either.  Could he do this?  I know he could.  Will he? that is what I am scared about.  

This is my father and I love him VERY much!  But I do think that because he has my sister, "his ideal child" and my brother "the boy", that he doesn't really need or want me in his life.

My Mom does need and want me in her life.  So, if my Dad does sever the ties, it will be with both him and my mom.  This is totally the opposite of what I want.  

I just want my parents to realize that I HAVE grown up, that I AM doing better, and the I AM living mylife the way I should be, not the way I was.  And it is all BECAUSE of this beautiful baby girl.

What to do....

-Angel

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  • 2 months later...

Just wondering how all our friends in the "if they don't ask, I won't tell" category are doing...?

This is such a tough dilemma, balancing secrecy-for-survival with the need-to-know-they-know urge. I'm guessing most parents on our forum, if asked how they would feel if their kids were in this position, would hope to be the kind of parents who could offer their sons and daughters unconditional love (if not unfailing support) regardless. Yet they would be entitled to their own emotional reactions, positive or negative, and the longer the secrets have been held, the harder they may be to hear from those kept in the dark.

Your parents and other relatives don't have to approve of the choices you make... and they may not... and it may take time for them to come to terms with your decision and their feelings about it... But hopefully, ultimately, you do have the kind of relationship that could weather their disapproval until such time as they come to accept that you made your own best decisions, given the circumstances at the time. (That is easier said than done, of course, and the risks of the unknown response can be pretty terrifying for birthparents already vulnerable to society's general disapproval.)

For those of you out there who have taken the risks and walked the gangplank, so to speak, what are your thoughts? For those parents of birthparents out there, what is your advice? And for those of you still trying to get up the courage to spill the beans, where are you at with this challenge and how can we support you as you face the unknown?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I DID IT!!!!!! I TOLD MY DAD!!!!!!

I cant believe it! I am in utter and total shock... it just came out.... i am in a very emotionally troubling time right now and my dad came to visit for the day to give me support. This sign of caring from him simply broke my heart. NEVER before have i felt this unconditional love this strong, i mean i always kKNEW he loved me no matter what, but dropping everything and coming to town just to hug me was BEYOND his typical attitude. for those of you who arent familiar with my story... i mean novel,haha... I placed my son just over four years ago, and only 2 people in my family know. My mom... who is very not-nice about it and a cousin that is adopted and having birthmom issues.

I have struggled with the need for him to know and the feeling that the only boy in my family isnt going to carry our name... i am in the generation where there are 7 girls and no boys... this made it even harder since our family bond is sooo strong.

oh sweet release... i didnt know it could feel this good to have his support and the joy of his face as i shared the many scrap books of my sons life.

i cant put into words the wieght the decision that telling him has lifted... deep breath... life does continue

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Hi Lisa2,

Oh my goodness!  I have chills from reading your post and I feel like I'm right there with ya!  I wish I could give you a huge hug too and I am so so so so happy to hear all about your decision to tell your dad and his wonderful, supportive reaction.  See there, that's what parents are for, huh?  How fortunate he is to have you as his daughter - and vice versa and how fortunate your birth-son is to have all of you as part of his extended family - what a fabulous story!!!!!!!

Congratulations...yippee!!!

Lisa

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  • 2 months later...

In response to the individual who asked that this question be answered here: yes, a thirteen or fourteen year old can relinquish a child for adoption without their parents' consent. At the present time, there is no "minimum age of consent" for adoption in Texas, meaning that a child-bearing birthparent of any age may place their child for adoption without parental permission. (Note, however, that the same is not true of abortion, as Texas lawmakers have passed rules in recent years that do require parental notification for minors seeking to terminate pregnancy.)

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  • 8 months later...

Hey you guys....

I placed about 4 years ago... Even though I was in my late 20's, I failed to tell my parents about my pregnancy or placement. In fact, people in my daily life were not privy to this, because I didn't really ever show. I told my mother (in an airport as she boarded her plane - "do not try this at home kids", about 4 months after the birth. It was time, just not the place. My mother was stuck on a place with a couple of pictures, an AP profile and my adoption papers. The poor woman was heartbroken, shocked, dismayed... need I say more? Mostly, she was sad that I had not shared this with her not only during my pregancy, but right afterwards. She supported my decison, however she told me that she hurt for me and the isolation and despair I must have felt.

I have one sister who is 2 years younger than me. Needless to say, to this day.. my sister who I am so close to, still does not know. I advise you to tell your loved ones as soon as possible. It is more hurtful to you, and them the more that time goes by.

My mother encourages me whenever the subject comes up, to tell my sister. I am just so scared that she will not forgive me for keeping such a secret.

Secrets in families, in relationships are destructive. I know in time, I will be able to share my experience with my sister.

For those of you facing this now... be honest. Be upfront. Do it now, the longer time goes on, the more difficult it will become. In additon, you always "risk" someone finding out on their own. It is better coming from you.

Good luck!

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  • 1 year later...

Guess what??? I finally told my Mom!!! I was really frustrated by my sister the other night and I finally just felt it was right to tell my mom. She took it a whole lot better than I thought, AND now she and my sister want to meet Fiona when I come out to Colorado next time :-)!!!

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Guest mshirst
Hey you guys....

My mother encourages me whenever the subject comes up, to tell my sister.  I am just so scared that she will not forgive me for keeping such a secret.

Secrets in families, in relationships are destructive.  I know in time, I will be able to share my experience with my sister. 

Good luck!

10919[/snapback]

We salute you for your efforts to work through this, and for recognizing the value of being honest and upfront. These are values, if nurtured, that will support your happiness for the rest of your life. We also salute your decision to place. It's a loving gift that, in our view, you will always feel good about.

Now, about forgiveness. Your sister will forgive you. She may be angry for a short while. More than likely, she may feel hurt, feeling perhaps that you didn't trust her with this news earlier. It's our view that these feelings are normal.

Expect that your sister may lash out when you first tell her. Avoid feeling injured or defensive yourself, in response.

Your sister's feelings will be real, valid and it may be important to give her space to vent them. If she does react hurtfully or angrily, forgive her. The relationship you restore with your sister will be all the better for having given and received forgiveness. There are many reasons that forgiveness has such a revered role in most religions - it has a restorative effect on everyone touched by it.

Only you will find the right time and place to share the news with your sister. Remember that she loves you. Remember that you're a good person. Remember that she is a good person. This will be one of those moments that you may simply need to surrender to your faith and the confidence you have in your relationship.

We wish the very best for you when the moment you have selected for this conversation arrives. May God bless you.

Edited by mshirst
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Guess what??? I finally told my Mom!!! I was really frustrated by my sister the other night and I finally just felt it was right to tell my mom.  She took it a whole lot better than I thought, AND now she and my sister want to meet Fiona when I come out to Colorado next time :-)!!!

47170[/snapback]

Wow! I know you are so glad that you've finally had the chance to tell your Mom. It is so hard keeping secrets from loved ones.

Here's hoping she and your sister get a chance to meet their Fiona! smile.gif

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  • 1 month later...

Oh I know ALL about that. You can just imagine the hurt and dissappointment they will feel. I didn't even want to think about what my mom would do and say. I was scared she would just break down. I mean TWO kids placed for adoption. But she was sooooooo understanding. I couldn't believe it. I asked her "Mom aren't you dissappointed?" She said "No I am sad about the situation, but proud that you are making the right decision for everyone involved". I know I am lucky and I thank God everyday for that. Because she could have just tore into me and I would be so depressed right now. I hope that people, especially, parents can be more understanding about adoption because BP's only want what is best for their child and all the people they love!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I agree, when I told my mom.............she was more upset by the fact that she wasn't there for me during one of the roughest times of my life! Wow!

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