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What do you think you would say?


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I just have a question for any of the Birth grandparents out there. What would you do if your son or daughter did not tell you about the adoption but told you about it several years later? What do you think your reaction would be(honest)? Would  you be angry or supportive?

I have not told any of my family memebers about the adoption of two of my children 7 and 8 years ago. I do not plan on telling them for awhile but know that it will have to come out someday and would appreciate any info to help me with this.

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Jada,

My name is Elicia and I am birthmother to a 3 year old and 1 year old. I never told any of my family until last week. I told my sister and my grandmother. I did not tell them my choice. I was forced into telling them. I thought they would be so upset finding out because adoption had never been in my family until me. My grandmother was very supportive and agreed with my decision to place them for adoption. My sister also agreed with my decision but both  were upset that I did not tell them when it happened. I was happy with my decision on not telling them and now I am happy with my decision of telling them.

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Elicia, Thanks for the support. Like I said I am still not planning on telling them any time real soon but I will tell them someday. I also have to tell my children that I have which is also going to be hard. Especially since they are older(13 and 9). I just hope that everybody will understand why I did it and not be angry that we decided not to tell them at the time.

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  • 10 months later...

Observation: Adoptive families often misunderstand a birthparent's motivations for not involving her family in her adoption plan. Many seem to fear that this implies a lack of intentionality about placing and increases her likelihood of changing her mind about adoption at or near the time of birth... while others genuinely regret the lack of opportunity for the child to have continued contact with extended birthrelatives after placement. Yet a number of adopting families choose to not inform their own relatives of their adoption plans until placement is imminent or completed.

Do birthparents or adoptive families have a moral obligation to include their relatives in their adoption plans, or is this a matter of privacy and  individual choice? What do you think?

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Guest mommy2

You guys pose the hardest questions.... here goes.

I am not sure that birthfamilies and adoptive families have a moral obligation to include their families in their adoption plans.  Let's face it... not everyone has supportive families.  I think that birthfamilies, especially need as much support and understanding that they can get to help them during their difficult decision and then the difficult times that they will endure pre, intra, post placement.  I think they probably have to pick and chose who they share thier plans with.  The same is true, to a lesser extent, with adoptive families.  Again, not everyone is supportive of adoption and not everyone understands or embraces open adoption.  Heck, just about every movie of the week adoption story is a nightmare and most of the "John Q Publics" out there think that adoption is a big scary, illegal endeaver.  

There is a journey that brings birthfamilies and adoptive families together.  A journey that is often very painful and certainly very emotional.  I think that good family/friend support is necessary, but the individual families (birth and adoptive) should make the decisions of who they share their plans with.  I, do, however, think that once an adoption has taken place that it is the moral obligation of the adoptive family to share with the child their adoption story.  

As Dennis Miller says,"that is just my opinion, and I may be wrong"

Mommy2

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begining with the dennis miller quote from above that this is what i think and i may be wrong.....

jada i too am a birthmom who choose not to tell her family. Three years ago i gave birth to a beautiful son and embraced his aps and their entire family ... i have extreme openness and love them all very very much i think their choice to have an extended family in on their plans was wise however we all underwent a very odd time of explainations and weird looks over the idea of open adoption.. but that is their choice.

as for my news being shared... i needed support not berating and anger from anyone. this was the toughest thing i have ever done but it was my choice and the best for all involved due to the rape and the residual effects. I was having a nice visit in the hospital with the aps when the dorr opened and my mom walked in... she proceeded to tell me how stupid and ignorant this was and that i should have not been so impulsive to choose this and not allow her the option to adopt the baby, she procedded to tell the aps the same thing but much more hateful and mean. to this day i refuse to allow any access or info to be available to her. I dont share and i dont discuss and i never will she is beyond that curtesy from me. however the following thanksgiving i did tell my cousin who is a child of a closed adoption and just a few years younger.. she is searching. this brought me great peace. i have not told another soul related to me, i do plan on telling my dad very very soon... my stepmom and my dad are of a different mind set and this would be a gift of knowledge and family to them... and i am very sad i have waited so long, i just dred the telling of my story. beyond that i will not share although most of my freinds do know and are very supportive... they are my true family

i believe that information can build you up as well as tear you down, and in an adoption plan there is no room for tearing down... so as for moral obligations... thats between you and God and i firmly believe He would have you be built up... even if it means excluding family

and as the ya-ya sisters say let no man put us under.... may you not have anyone put you under for choosing adoption...love to all

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  • 9 months later...

My heart absolutely bleeds for those birthmothers and birthfathers who cannot let their families in on their adoption plans.

My mom and dad have been awesome throughout this whole experience.

My dad came to the hotel while Stacy and I were signing the papers, and he waited in the lobby.  I am soo glad that he was there.  He had met Stacy for the first time on the day I delivered Claire to this earth.  And Stacy is forever grateful for the kindness and warmth that he was shown by my family.  They have been one of the rocks that I step on constantly to cross back and forth through the river of emotion that has taken hold of my life.  

Family, to me is that rock.  And I believe that it should be, no matter what.  Even if they initially reject the idea or disconcern themselves from the situation; I think that it would feel better to just get it out!  Don't hold back that feeling or try not to find the words to tell your family what has happened (or is happening) in your life.

I hope that you can find the courage in your strength to confront this demon, if it is bothering you.

hugs-

and good luck.

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Like I have said, I choose not to let my parents know about Fiona because I felt it was to close to the triplets and they would be so hurt...again.

My mom would understand more than my Dad (who honestly may never talk to me again once he finds out)

So my reasoning was to not cause my parents anymore pain.  So now when do I tell them?  i have yet to figure this out.

-Angel

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I think you should tell your parents as soon as possible. Adoption is such a big deal and they are the grandparents they have the right to know. I know you are afraid of how your dad will react but he loves you. I was terrified to tell my mother. I remember telling everyone, "But you don't understand my mother will never speak to me again!" Honestly my mother and I did not a have a real relationship for about 8 years....YES 8 years... it was really hard for me and I thought she'd never come around...but I never gave up and continued to try and restore what we had. My mom has always been the,"what will people say!" kind of person. She lives for everyone else...she's always been that way and I can't change her. Just about a year ago things have really changed between us. We have a wonderful relationship we talk  just about everyday...she's my mom and I always knew she'd come around. So I highly recommand telling your parents even if they do get upset...they'll get over it...sooner or later. I'm certain your dad will not be upset for 8 years like my mom was...she is an extreme case.

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My dad IS an extreem case.  After I told him that I was pregnant with the triplets, he wouldn't let anyone in my family talk to me, until September 11th.  then things changed.  But to this day, he won't let me talk about them to him or around him.

My mom will ask me questions though.  But if my Dad tells her to do or not to do something she does it.

-Angel

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  • 1 year later...

Question: does it bother birth-grandparents if the baby's adoptive parents are closer to the birth-grandparents' age than the birthparent's age??

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Question: does it bother birth-grandparents if the baby's adoptive parents are closer to the birth-grandparents' age than the birthparent's age??

13110[/snapback]

I think my Mom felt more comfortable with the fact that the AP's of the triplets were older than me. Probably because my parents were older when they adopted us.

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