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Explaining to Birth-grandparents.. HELP!


Guest LISA J

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Guest LISA J

Maybe I am alone in this, but my son, that was placed in Feb. 1999 is a VERY little known fact in my family. I chose not to deal with the issue when pregnant since I had enough emotional stuff going on. My pregnancy was result of rape and then to try to discuss the thought  of adoption with the grandparents was just too much when my emotions were already overloaded. So, I chose not to share either.

My mother found out when I was in the hospital after giving birth. She proceeded to trample all feelings into a big messof hurt and resentment. She even tried to get me to allow her to adopt the baby. The thought of that was worse than anything....so, she, as a result of her negativity and hurtful words that continue to this day, is only very limited in info on the baby and his life.

So after all the papers were handled I planned to tell my dad and other family.  However, I dread his response and after two years I am wanting him to know. Since the placement I have "received " the greatest step-mom ever into my life and his. She is a very close friend and I am feeling the guilt of keeping this from them and my grandparents.

"We don't have boys in my family" is my excuse for not sharing as well. This would be the only biological boy born since my dad. I know this is a cop out but I am terrified that he will not understand. My family has a Pass-it -on thing....names, traditions, etc. Out of my generation....we have 2 " step-boys" and 7 girls. And of those whove had kids there are 5 girls and 2 step-step boys. So needless to say the one i chose to place wouldve not only carried on the name but as we say in my family of 6 girls....even the odds out a little.

I plan on telling them soon but I am nervous. What is the best way to say....  I placed a baby boy for adoption 2 years ago and I couldnt tell you then because it hurt too much.

Sorry if I seem to ramble...nervousness does that to me

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Guest Mark and Catrina

Lisa J it is ok to feel this way.  My husband and I felt this way.  Like you my family did not know I was expecting.  We made it through all of this and then told them.  They of course did not seem to happy but they delt with it.  Just tell him look dad i have some thing to tell you.  Tell him it is important that he listens.  Then tell him you placed a baby for adoption see how he reacts to that.  

             good luck

                CATRINA RODRIGUEZ

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Lisa J, what a good topic, and one I wish I could offer you more insight on. On one hand I was blessed with my Mom, who stood by me faithfully, on the other hand, my inlaws, still to this day, believe that we sold our child..up until minutes before we left the hospital, they were calling, and begging to buy our child for 10 thousand dollars..I found it funny that during the whole pregnancy, they had nothing to offer me, in the form of help, but at the end, they offered, and dealt out the most most dreadful kind of pain..I do believe in honesty, but I think that waiting to heal yourself is a good idea too..Just don't tell your family until you are mentally strong enough to potentialy have to endure their awful comments..You may be surprised...your family may be your best source of healing yet...atleast some of them..there will always be those out there who would rather judge others, and cause pain due to their own ignorance...anyway...Goodluck...I will say a prayer for you...Smile everyone, K.T.

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Guest Momof Lori

i dont know. my daughter didnt have my blessing at 1st. but it turned out she did the right thing. and now i can say that. but not then. b/c i had too much going on my own life. how do you know your mom didnt tell your dad already? i wonder? your dad might not like the news but thats his problem you have to trust your heart. if he knows you for who you are he will be ok with it. just give him time. or write him a letter maybe that would help him see what was in your heart to do this? as parents we dont always know everything like we think we do but get wiser with time. i hope it turns out ok for u!

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Guest LISA J

Thanks for all the ideas...im still building courage to say it tho.  As for my mom sharing this news...she hasnt,,my parents have been divoreced since i was 4 and are not on the best terms....My step mom may be my best go between tho...cant decide...

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Vonda

Lisa,

If it helps, here's my two cents.  My mom and stepdad and little brother were very supportive.  Mom and sdad were even at the hospital with me when I delivered (in addition to the aps).  But I requested that they keep the pregnancy secret from my dad.  Kinda easy since he lives out of state.  But after the birth I chose to confide in my dad's mother.  I figured that if I could handle her disapproval, then I could tell my dad.  It turns out that she is also a birthmother through a closed adoption, and had only good things to say about open adoption.  I still haven't told my dad, not that I care about his disapproval anymore, but because I have too much going on to explain myself for a decision I made to a person who hasn't been in my shoes.  And i have all the affirmation I need.   :)

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  • 6 months later...

So what's the best and worst advice out there on how (and when or if) to break the news to family members about an unplanned pregnancy and/or an adoption plan? We had an interesting birthparent support group meeting recently about the differences between keeping secrets vs. honoring one's own privacy... about birthparents' varying boundaries with regards to who they choose to tell or not tell and why... any thoughts or words of wisdom from the peanut gallery on this topic?

Birthgrandparents, give us your 2 cents as well!

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  • 10 years later...

I've tried 2 different ways.

With the triplets, I just flat out told them about a week after I found out I was pregnant. My dad straight up told me, " You will not come home while pregnant or with a baby" and that is pretty much his same attitude towards them today. It drives me nuts that they wont acknowledge the triplets (my mom will when my Dad isn't around) I understand I didn't make the best choices when I was younger, however, I know I did the best option with what to choose from in the end.

With Fiona being so close behind the triplets, I opted not to tell my parents. and I didn't tell them until she was 3 years old. I did it because I didn't want to hurt them, but in the end it ended up hurting my mom just because I didn't tell her and she felt bad she couldn't be there to support me.

I would say it depends on the relationship between you and your parents. Coming from an adoptive friendly home myself I knew/know that they would accept that decision even though they weren't happy I had to make it.

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