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Baby Step: Start-Up Advice for Newbies


TnT

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Hi Everyone,

I was looking for feedback on Abrazo. We built our family through adoption in 1997 with the birth of our beautiful daughter. We had the great fortune to find our special birthmother angel by networking. It was a very amazing journey and we built a bond with her that cannot be broken. We are trying once again to complete our family through adoption. So far, reading the inquiry and information package sent to me by Abrazo, I like what I see. What about any of you with real experience in this field. Thanks for any input you can give me to help in this decision process. T. Wood

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To me the biggest difference about Abrazo is the sense of trust that they've earned. So many agencies out there are basically owned and operated by attorneys and/or businesspeople who view adoption as a lucrative business where they can charge astronomical fees, and hire a minimal support staff to run the "front office." Abrazo isn't like that--we've known Elizabeth (the executive director) for years, and follow the goings-on through their newsletter. There's remarkably little staff turnover, and their emphasis really is on creating families and meaningful relationships across the triad, not chasing the almighty buck.

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  • 2 weeks later...

We think Abrazo is the best thing that has happened for us.  We found them through a friend here in Memphis by total chance (or was it more than that?).

They've been great to work with.  They're honest.  They don't sugarcoat.  They present the reality of all situations, but with a whole lot of love and caring.  You should choose them.

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  • 4 months later...
Guest Robin

Hi Everyone,

I was wondering if you would be so kind to tell me about the adopting process, for example what is the orientation is it about listening to many speakers do you have to particapate, do they ask you alot of questions? How many hours is it? I know this sounds silly but I'm just nervous.

Once you graduate what is the process for the adoption like? Does the birthmom always dedide who the parents are going to be or does the agency? How long of a wait is it? Sorry for so many questions but my mind is racing, I'm really excited.

PLease if someone can take a moment an educate me I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks,

Robin

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Hopefully others will answer your questions as well, but I'll give you my take as an Abrazo adoptive mom.  Our orientation weekend started on Friday night with a "get-to-know-each-other" session -- it gives you a chance to meet the Abrazo staff in person as well as the other members (adoptive couples or singles) of your orientation group.  It's an informal  but emotional time as each of you share your experiences that led you to making the adoption decision.  Then, most of Saturday is spent with Abrazo staff educating you about the in's and out's of the adoption process -- what "openness" is all about, the legalities of adoption, how to write/prepare your birthparent letter/profile, etc.  All in all, the orientation weekend is a wonderful experience -- not something to dread.  You talk some, but really you listen more, and you have a great opportunity to ask all the questions you want -- plus, you get to develop some close relationships with other prospective adoptive parents who are feeling and going through some of the same emotions you are.  Abrazo does a good job preparing you for the adoptive process ... and each adoption is different, so it would be hard to say what to expect after orientation -- usually, birthparents select you from your birthparent profile, but sometimes the agency is placed in the position of having to match adoptive families and children who need a home.  And, depending on how prepared you are (i.e., with current homestudy, birthparent profile finished, etc.) and how "open" you are to adopting children based on age, sex, race, etc., you very well might find yourself being a new parent within 12 months of orientation!  If you really want the "scoop" from the horse's mouth, I encourage you to call the Abrazo staff and ask them any questions you might have as well -- they're really easy to talk with and would welcome hearing from you!  Wishing you the best ...

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Robin,

I just want to tell you that we had the same fears, worries and excitement that you have but when we left our orientation weekend...we were on such a high that we couldn't believe it.  We also came away from that weekend with new friends who have become like family members to us.  I cannot tell you what a connection you make with the other couples in your orientation group.  For us it was like we finally found other people who KNEW exactly what we had been through and that created an instant bond that we still share.  Don't be nervous....Get ready to be a parent!  GOOD LUCK :)

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  • 11 months later...
Guest Opus

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. After struggling with infertility the past ten years we made the decision to adopt.  We gathered all the info we could find and have decided on going through Abrazo.  I have found their program to be the most pro-active and their website (this forum) to be the most informative.

Yesterday we mailed out our pre-approval form.  How long does it take to find out if we will be accepted so we can fill out the application and start the home study?  I know it is going to be a nerve wracking few weeks until we hear back from them.

The other question or concern I have is that I have been unemployed for the past year.  I have been doing temp work when ever possible and have had a steady assignment for the past four months.  Will this be a factor in the decision process by Abrazo?  My wife has a good full time job.  We know the adoption process is not something that happens over night.  We just didn't want to wait any longer to get things started.

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opus...

while i can't answer those questions i would like to welcome you to our abrazo family. As a birthmom i hope you continue your enlightened attitude and keep the positive thoughts flowing our way. I wish you all the best.... and remember it may be a rough spot with all the paperwork and waiting but in the end you will forget it all... as you hold a new little bundle of joy

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Thank you Lisa.

For any one else who might have these same questions and concerns....It took about a week to get a response that our preapproval application has been received and accepted.   And even though I do not have permanant job, I am working and they did not see that as a problem.

Now the fun starts.  The home study and financing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

;)  I'm not sure if I'm posting mine correctly or not.  My topic falls in line w/Opus' topic as we're new to the adoption process & have lots of questions.  I've completed the pre-application & will be sending it off soon so hopefully, we'll hear something as soon as you did Opus.  I noticed there were some birthmothers who also read & respond to some of the posts here.  I have a couple of questions. #1 - I am about 60 pounds overweight.  I'm currently working with a personal trainer to develop a healthier lifestyle (I don't have any medical issues from my weight) & I'm sooo worried about the pictures.  Part of me is so ready to get started & part of me wants to wait until I look better to do this.  Thoughts???  Also - 13 1/2 yrs ago, I placed a baby girl for adoption (unfortunately, the agency I placed with only offered closed adoptions at that time - I was 17 & in 1989, it just didn't seem like open adoptions were as prevalent as they are now or maybe I just didn't know enough back then).  Anyway - I wonder how this will affect how a birthmother views me?

Thanks!

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As a birthmother I can tell you personally that I think you are just as human as any of us and your weight would not matter to me at all. As long as there are no health problems and you can keep up with a baby you should have no problems. And your birthmother will be able to tell this when you meet her(if that is what you both wish).Also I had my first child when I was 17(14 years ago in August) and decided to parent her and I am glad I did ,but I think this makes you very appealing to birthmothers. You know what we go through and how painful it is. I wouldn't worry too much about these issues ABRAZO will find you a perfect match! :)

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Guest Paul and Michelle D

I would not worry about the weight issue or the adoption issue!!  Abrazo and birthmoms focus on what is inside, not outside!!  Some advice I wish I would have taken...  You will find a perfect match.  So...When you get on the adoption roller coaster, sit down, hang on, and enjoy the sights.  Miracles (large and small) will happen and if you do not "open your eyes" during the ride, you will miss them!  Good luck! :p

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:D Thanks so much Jada & Michelle for your reassuring messages.  I'm really excited about getting the process going.  Last night, we re-read our preapplication & signed it & I even found a picture of us that isn't really old (since I've gained weight, having my picture taken isn't exactly my favorite thing to do).  I will definitely be able to keep up with a baby, I'm very active & a very, very youthful 31.  Just have bad eating habits which I'm working on (don't want to pass those on to a baby).  As for understanding the birthmom's perspective - I will definitely be able to understand where she's coming from.  Although I lived at the agency I placed with for 5 months & I was surrounded by other birthmoms during my pregnancy - I haven't actually met or spoken with birthmoms since (or at least if I have, I haven't known it - I've always been very open about the adoption but either others aren't or there just aren't many of us out there).  All of us then were very much the same as far as our feelings were concerned about our decision & about our babies.  We all felt so much love for the little baby we carried - but we all felt that for one reason or another, at that time in our life, we weren't able to parent our child in the way that we imagined and wanted the child to be parented.  Anyway, not a day has passed that I haven't thought of her.  I would love to see a picture of her.  That is one of the main reasons for wanting to work with Abrazo.  I really like their philosophy and it seems they have a great deal of respect for the birthmoms & their feelings & they seem to be committed to the birthmoms for a long time (i.e. not just once the baby is born & placed).  As for enjoying the ride - I'm really excited about it.  Very nervous (I'm a very compassionate person & I'm worried that once I meet the birthmother, I won't say anything but I'll just start crying - not tears of sadness, just tears of understanding & of happiness for what it to come).  Guess I need to work on that as it might freak her out which I definitely don't want to do.  Again, thanks for your support.  I hope you both have a wonderful July 4th holiday.

-Lisa

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Just another note of reassurance ... I don't think tears would freak anyone out, be it birthparents or other adoptive parents, as much as being around someone who doesn't show any emotion over the whole adoption process.  It IS an emotional situation for everyone involved, and I personally think tears and hugs and smiles bring everyone closer together.  Keep us posted on your adoption journey!

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as a birthmom i would like to let you know i would jump at the chance to share this wonderful expirience with someone who has been in my shoes...

not only do we learn and do better from our lives but we carry a compassion... and a love for a child and family... including the extended family adoption on open terms brings is all that matters....  

and we here at abrazo just choose those that God helps us find... remember he never gives you more trhan you can handle and you will have the best expirience if you shrug off the neg thoughts and soak up all the fun... and joy this will bring...

best of luck

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:D   Hi Lisa2,

Thanks for your reassuring mail too.  It's been so long since I placed (13 1/2 yrs) & things have changed so much since then (policies, agencies, adoption philosophies) that I wasn't sure if birthmom feelings change too or not (of course, I guess it depends on the birthmom).  For me, it would have been really nice to have placed with another birthmom (actually, beyond really nice - it would have been awesome) for the same reasons you described - someone who understands what the experience is like, etc.  However, that's my feeling & I often wonder if I'm biased now since I'm on the other side of things (like really wishful thinking that a birthmom placing with a birthmom would be preferable since I have adopting a baby on my mind 24 x 7).  Kind of off the subject but like you said in your mail, this experience (placing) is & can be a wonderful experience.  I love the little baby girl I placed so much but despite how much I love her, I've never regretted my decision to place.  It was so the right thing for me to do at that time in my life.  I felt so positive about my decision (I also had about 5 months to prepare for it & psyche myself up for the placement) & of course, I was heartbroken when I went to court & signed the papers & for about a year afterward I felt so detached from everyone (I was a senior in highschool - it just felt like I didn't fit in with anyone once I had her & placed - everyone's "problems" seemed so trivial compared to what I'd just been through) but time is a wonderful healer & with every day that passed, I coped better & better.  I also think maybe things would have been better had the adoption been open or semi-open - possibly having more information would have helped the healing.  Nonetheless, I feel I owe so much gratitude to her now - she changed my life.  I went to college because of her & graduated in the top 10% of my class.  My first job out of college was awesome & was because of her because without my degree, I wouldn't have had the opportunity.  I met my husband at that company & I have a wonderful relationship with him because of her.  Every event that's happened in my life since placing her wouldn't have happened had I not had the opportunity to give birth to her & place her.  Not to mention the impact she & I had on the parents who adopted her.  I can't even begin to imagine the joy she brought them.  I hope someday to have the opportunity to tell her thank-you.  I guess this is all sort of off the subject of the topic of "Looking to Adopt" so my apologies to adoptive parents seeking information on adoption who may be reading this post.  But I just wanted to let you know I absolutely agree with you - adoption can be a wonderful experience to all sides involved.  Thanks so much for your mail, it was very touching to read.

-Lisa

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:p And Feeling Blessed.  Thank you so much for your mail too.  I will certainly keep everyone posted on how it goes.  I've spent almost the entire day today reading all the posts on this forum.  Oh my gosh!  I wish I would have found this sooner.  As a birthmom, I find this to be soooo therapeutic for me.  As a prospective adoptive mom, I find it to be so exciting to read all the updates & the support that everyone gives.  I am sooo pro-Abrazo now - I can't imagine working through a different agency.  I'm crossing fingers, toes, & eyes that all works out well & we get accepted.  I just can't believe how supportive they are (especially Elizabeth) toward the birthmoms & toward the adoptive parents.  How wonderful that a place exists like this.  Although my adoption experience went well - I find myself now wondering how different it could have been (had Abrazo or a place like Abrazo been around in '89).  Kudos to you all for all this.  If it doesn't work out, I am still so happy I found this forum.

Lisa

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  • 7 months later...

Somebody who's thinking of adopting thru Abrazo called us last week.  They wanted to know if we had any advise?  After thinking about it this is what we thought of.  Maybe others can to the list?

-1- Get the application in fast, that way you have a better choice of week-ends for Orientation.  And keep a copy for yourself. .  (Also, maybe then if the agency has a baby with no paerents you might get considered ahead of time??)

-2- Take lots of "fun" pictures of you and your spouse as a couple and get them developed before Orientation.  (we had few to none and wished we had done this before hand.)

-3- Call home study workers in your area right away, ask if they work with Texas rules, how long it takes and get price quotes so it can get started as soon as you're accepted .

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1.  READ, READ, READ everything you can about adoption ... and more specifically about open adoption.  Education is essential!

2.  Start talking with your extended family about adoption and openness in adoption -- teach them correct adoption lingo (i.e., "placed", NOT "put up"; "birthparent", NOT "real parent") and get any concerns they may have out in the open so you can address them BEFORE your child is placed.

3.  Establish a support system for yourself --  either an adoption support group, Sunday School class, other people who have been on the adoption roller coaster and can talk you through things as they occur.

4.  Find out what you need to about getting fingerprinted and getting your physicals done for your homestudy -- these two things can really hold you up unless you know how much time is involved in your particular region.

5.  Have some honest talks with your spouse about what type of child you are open to adopting (age, sex, race, medical condition, etc.).  You need to be in sync on this BEFORE you get the call, particularly if the call is about a baby-on-the-ground.

6.  Make a list of questions that you want to ask of your birthparents -- not only will it help with the first conversations/meetings, but it will be important information to share with your child in the future.  It's real easy to get tongue-tied or have a nervous "block" when you're visiting with each other for the first couple of times.

7.  Clear your schedule of things that are non-essential -- the adoption process (say "paperwork") is VERY time-consuming the first time around -- you don't need to feel stressed out about getting your paperwork submitted as you try to juggle everything else in your life.  Take some time off and enjoy this part of your "pregnancy."

8.  Read the Forum for good advice and insight!

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Guest Paul and Michelle D

We also received a phone call regarding working with Abrazo.  A couple of other things to add would be:  

1)  Make the paperwork and data gathering fun!  Paul and I made the paperwork a "scavenger hunt".  

2)  Review your finances.  Find the upper threshold.  This will help when you get a call.  

3)  Go out on some "dates" and just talk freely about this decision.  These conversations will have add some humor and you will get some things accomplished.  

I agree with the previous post.  You need support...and people who can relate to this situation.  I can honestly say... our Abrazo friends are dear to us because they have "been there".  

Take care!!

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Guest familylove

Thank you Mother Goose for starting this subject!!  

I haven't adopted yet, but I have to share what just recently helped me.  Up until yesterday, I was excited but timid about our adoption plans, but just yesterday, right after we turned in our application with Abrazo we went out and bought some newborn baby outfits!! …………I have been smiling and excited ever since.  For some reason buying the outfits helped me to start experiencing the "pregnancy" part of starting our family.  Before yesterday, I thought doing something like this would jinx the process, but it has only enhanced it.

I am also thankful for all the wonderful ideas that this post has and will generate!

Cheers! :)

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Familylove brought up such a great point on this topic - one that I'd been meaning to add as a response - I wholeheartedly agree with everyone's advice on this...educate yourself on open adoption & adoption in general, communicate with your spouse and your family members, get started on your homestudy, etc...but I think one of the BEST things you can do when you start this process...is to allow yourself to believe and accept that you will be a mom & a dad - you are on your way to a successful, happy ending and you will have a child to love and nurture and do whatever you want to do to begin preparing for that day because it will happen.  It's a fantabulous feeling once you really know in your heart that "this is it" - no more maybes like when you go down the infertility path - this will result in a child for you and your spouse.  Start shopping - go buy the book, Baby Bargains to get an idea of what you need and how much things will cost so you can start planning your budget, go to baby stores - enjoy your experience of preparing for your baby - allow yourself this - it's wonderful and it's a time in your life that will disappear before you know it (the waiting part) so make the most of it by thinking of your baby and imagining what life will be like once you have that baby in your arms.  If you go out and buy a crib - get it all set up and look into it and just try to feel what it will be like once you're looking down at your precious little angel.  I used to sit in the glider in Kayleigh's nursery before Kayleigh had joined our lives and just imagine what it would feel like when I sat in the glider and rocked my baby for real - and you know what?  It's even better than I imagined.  I'm so glad I allowed myself to enjoy the waiting and to believe that we would be parents....don't worry about jinxing anything - it WILL happen - nothing will or can change that!  Believe it!!

-Lisa :D

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