Jump to content
Stork Central

Tell Us Your Top Three!

Recommended Posts

From your perspective, whether you're someone who's just thinking about adoption or as one who's "been there, done that," what are the top three qualities or features you look for in choosing the "right" kind of adoptive family for your child? What matters to you, and why? (If you've been through this before, what advice would you give new birthmoms about things to look for, or questions to ask?)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For me as a birthmom who placed two babies for adoption 15 months apart I think the top three things that were important to me was 1. That my babies have a stay at home mom. I always stayed at home with my kids and it was important to me that my kids even though I was not parenting them had the same thing. That is one of the reasons why we placed them for adoption was because if we kept them I would not be able to be a stay at home mom anymore. 2. Would have to be money. As awful as that sounds it was a high priority  on our list. If we had money we would not have had to place our babies in the first place. So it was very important to us that our babies would have the best of everything. Nice schools,vacations,lots of sports and activities things we would not be able to give them had we parented them 3. Age was also very important. Not really age as much as stability in their marraige and maturity. We thought if they were older they would have more patience for a small child, but they still had to be active. Also if they were older they were more likely to have been married for a longer amount of time and hopefully divorce later on would be less likely. Although there is never any guarantee on this , this was our thought process at the time.

   Other things that are important to me now that wasn't talked about too much when we were placing our babies was how much openess we wanted. I regret this now. Please make sure you find A.P.'s who are willing to talk about how much openess they want and match with somebody who is willing to as open as you want to be. It may not seem like a big deal at first or you may think you can ask for more later but it is very hard to do that. Or you may not want too much openess and you may get A.P.'s who are constantly trying to contact you and get you involved. You need to be very clear on this from the beginning and know what you want but still be open for change later if needed.

I think the best thing to do is go into adoption with an open mind but not too open. Make sure you let everybody know what is important to you but also let them know what you are willing to be flexable about.Their alot of great A.P.'s out there and one is sure to be a perfect match for you and your baby!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ok i am a birthmom to a 3year old son...

My Top # Things I Lokked For:

#1- A friend. I wanted a couple who could be my friend as well as be my sons friend when he is grown. This is an important trait if you ever have a visits and its helpful in communication.

#2- A Family. I wanted a couple who's family was as important to them as mine is to me. The closer a family is to this child the better off their world can be. Visits arent as few and far between, giving my son a relationship with his family may allow for more stability when he is older and dealing with all the issues kids have over adoption. This also tends to make the couple stronger and decrease divorce in the long run.

#3- Faith. I know this is a big word but it can make or break any relationship. I had to have faith in them just as they did with me. The couple has to have faith in each other or the couple will not get through anything. They have to have faith in their child, that through this open relationship that they will not "decide" to disown their adoptive parents and that i will not put them in this position. Also a faith in God. This can get you thru more bumps than we know and can mend a heart thats torn and tarnished.( Plus we all need prayer and support as to not strangle our teens.)

What advice i would give is similar to Jada's-

1- Allow yourself to grieve. The loss of a child is a difficult thing. Without grieving we short circuit our hearts and minds. This can cause you to change your mind multiple times(and thats ok) but if you grieve before fully making this decision you can reduce the people you hurt when you change your mind.

2-  Get support. Whether you ask abrazo to link you to someone in your area who can talk or just listen on a difficult day. Or if you already have someone to council you. Just dont be afraid to say that its hard. Because it is very hard but in the end this may be your best option, only YOU can decide. Just dont think that there is no one who cares because when all else fails I am here and i know others are to. Just ask Elizabeth or April or anyone at abrazo, they are there to help you get through the rough days. I still call and its been three years.

3- Make a promise to yourself about openness. Then find a family that matches you. This makes for fewer broken hearts and unanswered letters in the long run and can avoid your child from saying why were you not there. (when you could have been)

4- Begin to love yourself, the family you chose and your child from the start. You will be happier if you dont have to get beyond hate or negativity to communicate.

5- Vent! We all have days we want to scream, or cry or just stare at the wall. You cvan not hold in everything or you will be a mess, and that does not allow for a clear mind or heart. And without clarity... God help us all.

6- Pray- You may avoid talking about your hopes and dreams for this child with people but tell God. He can mend all hearts and hold every hand in need. He will guide you and console you in this, whatever you chose. He never gives us more than we can handle... remember that... because this is a heavy load.

7- Rejoice in your decision. Be happy about getting to chose. It was not very many years ago when women were not given choices. And every day we should be thankful that we have choices... remember China and other countries have orphanages full of children whose parents could not keep them and the could not chose who their child went to. This is a beautiful gift and we should be happy it is ours to chose.

8- Get help. Do not get into any situation that you do not understand. The people at abrazo and on this forum are here to help. ANY questions or comments are welcome. If you need more direct contact abrazo can find one of us for you to talk to.

9- Give. Give of yourself to your child and to their family. Give your love, your friendship, your compassion, your caring and your genes. This will create a bond for a lifetime.

(and i will keep it down to ten even though i have hundreds...)

10- Thought. Put thought into your decision and everything you say. Whether its to a birthparent or to the perspective adoptive parents. We all have feelings and a comment may crush them if you are too uncaring or too inconsiderate of everyones feelings. Learn their story and do not make comments like you dont understand what its like.. because they more than likely have had similar or equal heartbreaks in this process.

I know i ramble but there is so much to say on this...

and if you ever need and ear or a hand call abrazo..they can find me...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had such a fun conversation with my APs, the first time we spoke.  My first question was, "What was your first concert?"  Jen answered with no hesitation, "Madonna-The Blonde Ambition Tour!"

That pretty much sealed the deal.  I knew that they were the right ones for me, just by looking at a picture.

oh!  

I have to go to work!  AAAAAAAh!

I'll finish this one later!

hugs-

have a teriffic day, all.

A

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Amanda.. you definatly have spent too much time around Timo :D

The top 3 things I looked for in chosing an adoptive family was the 3 things that balanced out my reasons for placing in the first place.

1.  They had to be in love and have a stable relationship.

2.  They had to be able to provide for my child all the things I was not able to at that time, and have similar 'plans' in relation to what my own "parenting dream world wish list" you know, like quality schools, dance lessons, religion experiences, etc.

3. They just had to "feel" right.  I asked myself if i would've wanted them to be my parents if i was given the option to chose.  I put myself in my child's 'shoes'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just a question for those of you who placed your babies for adoption some time ago: how have your priorities about how you wanted your child's family to be changed--or remained the same--in the years since you made your choice?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This February will mark 16 years since I placed my daughter for adoption. I don't think my priorities have changed at all for what I wanted her parents to be and her family to be like. Most of all, I wanted her to be loved more than they could ever imagine loving anyone (still want that for her!), I also wanted her parents to have a happy, supportive, loving, secure marriage (still want that). I wanted her parents to be Christians (still want that - nothing against other religions but I guess since that's the faith I grew up in, it just seemed more appropriate to me that she be raised in that faith as well...but it wouldn't be the end of the world to me if she was raised in a different faith or chose a different faith at some point in her life). I also wanted her parents to place a high priority on education - still want that as well. Ooh, just thought of one priority that's changed - I would like for her parents to be supportive of a relationship between her and me (her birthmother/birthfamily) - at the time, I didn't even know it was okay to have a priority like that but now I know better and without a doubt, that one ranks pretty high with me.

Mostly - I just want her to be happy, loved, well-cared for, and secure - as long as she has those things - I can probably learn to live with anything else.

-Lisa

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, here are the three things I was kind of looking for when I was pregnant (didn't know it was triplets yet)

1.) Friendly and wanted to be my friend not just "get my baby". And wanted me as a part of the childs (childrens) life forever. Openess was a big thing!

2.) Didn't want the child in daycare so a stay at home parent or parenting plan at least.

3.) That "just right" feeling, I can't explain it, but you kinda know when you found the right one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just a question for those of you who placed your babies for adoption some time ago: how have your priorities about how you wanted your child's family to be changed--or remained the same--in the years since you made your choice?

Everything that I hoped for is coming true for my Delaney...I couldn't ask for more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just a question for those of you who placed your babies for adoption some time ago: how have your priorities about how you wanted your child's family to be changed--or remained the same--in the years since you made your choice?

Everything that I hoped for is coming true for my Delaney...I couldn't ask for more.

:rolleyes: thank you, those words mean so much from you :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, here are the three things I was kind of looking for when I was pregnant (didn't know it was triplets yet)

1.) Friendly and wanted to be my friend not just "get my baby". And wanted me as a part of the childs (childrens) life forever. Openess was a big thing!

2.) Didn't want the child in daycare so a stay at home parent or parenting plan at least.

3.) That "just right" feeling, I can't explain it, but you kinda know when you found the right one.

Thank you all for your honest responses. I am so in awe of all of you and the selfless love you all showed for your children.I look forward to having a wonderful open relationship with our BP when our time comes.

Have a wonderful day

Mayte :lol:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My top 3 for my daughter were

a loving family/home, faithful parents (religion as well as to each other and their family) and the opporutnities I never had.

now they are...

those 3 but I have to add in the knowledge and love that comes with knowledge of her birthfamily and the removal of negative ideas that we are to be feared/kept in our "protective wrappers" until Zoe choses to open up (which most adoptees do not feel they can do at her age)

My top 3 were and still are for my son

a loving home where his birthfamily is welcome and integrated into his knowledge from the start

a faithful home

and the opportunities I did not have.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was seeking a family to place Colby with I looked for 1) A family very committed to an open adoption 2) a family that LOVED kids and 3) a family that was stable and had similar views on parenting as I did.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my top three:

1. an instant connection! im just that way. Im really big on the love at first sight thing. lol I loved the Long's profile and just felt it....and when I met them it sealed the deal! They are wonderfull.

2. first time parents. another thing that i really wanted. ill tell you why. i remember when I held my first child Marc in my arms after I had him and became a Mommy. It is a moment that is so special. I wanted to witness my AP's feel that too.

3. a better life growing up than i had. my life wasn't bad. but we struggled. and you should always want better for your kids. i wanted my child to feel secure and happy. and he does!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×