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Guest SMR

im going to have a baby and i want to give it up for adoption but its dad says i should have an abortion. he says that the dads have the right to decide if they want their girl friend to have an abortion but im pretty sure hes making that up. its not true right? if i want to give my baby up for adoption i can and he cant decide what i do right? and also if i give my baby up for apotion can i pick the family myself? because i want the baby to have siblings i dont want it to be the only kid in the family, it might get lonely if it was the only one. so can i pick a family that already has one or two babies? or does abrazo pick the family for you? also does it matter what race the baby is? beacause even though my baby is white i want a family that doesnt care about race. and also do they make you tell your parets about it? because my parents would get really mad at me if they found out i was pregnant. there was this girl in my school once who got pregnant and she wore really baggy clothes so no one knew and then she gave her baby up for adoption, but she was 18 and a senior and im only 16 so do they make you tell your parents if you arent 18?

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Dear smr,  I was reading your post and thinking how hard all of these decisions will be.  Please call the 800 # and talk with someone at Abrazo or call collect.  I promise you no one would ever make you do anything you do not feel is right.  Gather as much information as possible for yourself, your baby's father, and most importantly the baby that you are carrying.  I know you will find in your heart and (the baby's father's heart)  the right decision for all.

You will also find on this forum some birthmom posts regarding not telling their parents.  Maybe you will find comfort in what they say.  Ultimately those decisions are all yours and no one elses.  I truly hope you have a good friend or a support person to lean on during this time.  I think that would help alot.

I will share with you a personal part of our life.  I am an adoptive mom who adopted both of our precious girls through Abrazo.  The agency is easy to work with although it is about "you" and not them.  Our first adoption, we met our wonderful 16, about to be 17 year old birthmom.  She had her Mom to support her and help her through the birth of her baby girl.  That was 7 years ago and we still keep in touch because they are very much a part of our family.  Our second adoption was just as beautiful but very different.  Our courageous birthmom was in her thirties and already parenting 2 pre-teens as a single parent.  She hid the pregnancy from her children as well as her job and all of her family members. She had a best friend at her job that she could talk to when she needed.  To this day, she has never told anyone else about this pregnancy.  Both of our birthfamilies were able to make the hardest decision of their life on behalf of their baby's life.  Good luck to you and please call Abrazo, a phone call does not commit you to anything.  Karen

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Hey, SMR.  I am Amanda.  

NO ONE!! Can make you have an abortion! It is your decision.  Your right.  You don't have to tell your parents anything.  And I remember thinking that my mom would have a fit.  She didn't.  She held out her hand and said ok.  I am behind you with whatever you decide.

I am 25, almost 26.  I placed my baby girl with a fantastic family, 7 months ago.  Today, actually, she is 7 months old! I chose them, and I wanted for my daughter to have sibling(s) also.  She has the cutest big brother, who loves her SSOOO MUCH!

I cannot imagine what it must be like for you as a 16 year old girl.  This is a safe place for you.  You can come here and say whatever you want.  

I think that it is great that you have started exploring options other than abortion.  As birthmothers, that is something that definately crosses the path.  Wether we follow it or not, is what determines the kind of strengths we have.

There are so many girls, every day, that choose to terminate a pregnancy, or choose to place their child into a stable, sound family life; that we cannot provide in this wrinkle in time.  

And there are girls who choose to parent their children.

We are all strong.  

And you are going to be OK!!!  

I know that it doesn't feel like it right now.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.  

hugs to you-

Amanda

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Guest SMR

thanks for replying karen. it was good to hear about both of your daughters adoptions. i think i might call abrazo.... but i think first im going to tell me mom. i want her to be on my side... all i just want is for her to give me a big hug and tell me she loves me anyways.

and amanda thanks for replying too. actually its pretty weird because i saw your story on tv and thats actually what made me want my child to be adopted. at first i thought i would just have an abortion and it would be quick and easy. but then i saw you on tv and you seemed so brave and sure of yourself, that made me want to go with adoption. so i looked on the adoption story website and it said you had gone with abrazo so thats why i came here. i didnt realize that you posted here until you responded to me. thanks for the response, your so brave. i hope i can be just like you.

oh and by the way i think im going to tell me mom tonight! i toyed with the idea of not telling anyone, but since im a swimmer i came to the realization that if i didnt tell them pretty soon they would be able to tell themselves (its pretty easy to pick out a pregnant girl when shes wearing a swimsuit isnt it?) my dads out of town on a business trip until thursday so if i tell her tonight that will give her time to get used to it so hopefully she'll be on my side when my dad finds out... wish me luck!

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Hey there.  I haven't checked in a couple of days.  SMR, are you Ok??  

I hope that things went well the other night!

You have been on my mind.

I want you to know how proud I am to be an inspiration to a stranger.  I made this decision knowing that it was for Delaney.  I had to think of myself; and then I had to think about her.  I wanted so badly to be her mommy.  I know that I would have been great at it.  I, however, had to think about the reality of keeping a child.  

I hope that you are doing ok.  

You are in my prayers.

hugs-

Amanda. ;)

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Guest SMR

yeah i havent gotten online to update because i got grounded from the computer this week (i forgot to pick my little brother up from baseball practice and he had to wait by himself for a half an hour :( ... an obvious sign that i can't be a parent)

but i keep trying to tell my mom im pregnant and i cant. its like once i tell her thats confirming that its true. i tried to tell her like three times. the first time i started out by saying "well mom you know that guy Will that always comes over?" and she said of course. and then i started like stuttering and stuff i was like "hes uh uh" it was horrible. ive never stuttered in my life, but all the sudden i like couldnt speak. so then she says "oh sweetie are you trying to tell me hes your boyfriend and your a little embarrased?" and instead of just coming out and saying no mom i'm trying to tell you im pregnant" i said "yeah we've been dating for awhile now" and that was the end of that attempt

second attempt... were watching adoption story on tv, because thats my new favorite show. and i say "mom what would you do if i was pregnant?" and she says "i would be very very sad" so i was stopped again... i didnt want to make her very very sad.

third attempt. i say "mom i really need to talk to you".... she sits down... the phone rings... and im stopped again. then she gets off the phone and asks what i want to talk to her about... but now too much time has passed and ive thought to much about it and i just cant spit it out... so i tell her that i really need to talk to her about school because im getting a C+ in spanish (grades are important in this house...) and we talk about how i can bring it up and blah blah blah... but i never tell her the real news...

i just dont know how to tell her. and i really want to tell her when my dads not home because he'll go crazy.... i just dont know what to say to her.

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SMR,

I can only imagine how hard all of this is for you.  I hope that you are able to tell your mom and get that big weight off your shoulders.  Speaking as a mom.  I am sure your mom will be very sad.  Sad because you are facing a really big step in your life and she knows that it is probably very scary and sad for you too.  I hope all goes well and hope that you know you have many many pairs of ears here at the forum to listen to you.  Good luck and you are in my thoughts.

Jeannie

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Dear smr,  I have been thinking about you and how scared you are to talk about this.  Maybe you could ask your mom for her help.... with something that is very important (more important than grades).  Once you have her attention, maybe ask for her understanding and support before you tell her.  Then maybe it will be easier to talk right into it.  You'll do and say the right thing when you are ready.  I have confidence in you and your mom.  Also remember to be understanding of your Mom while she adjusts to this new information.  Ultimately though this is about "you" and not her, although her support would be so helpful.  I pray that your mom will be there for you with all the support and love and hugs that you need right now.  Good Luck.   Love, Karen

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Guest SMR

i guess you could say i told my mom...but it definatly didnt go the way it was supposed... right now it makes me too upset to talk about it. i'll type it up later.

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Dear smr,  I am sorry to hear that it did not go the way you had hoped.  Maybe in a few days you'll be glad that you told her anyway.  I think your doing your best in wanting to tell your parents and not carrying the secret anymore.  You are teaching us so much about how important open communication is with our children.  As a mom, I appreciate that.  Consider yourself hugged. I will pray that it gets better for you soon. Love, karen

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Guest SMR

my mom was mad at first but then she was pretty supportive and she has been since she found out. see what happened was that i woke up tuesday morning and i felt so sick. like i had really bad cramping and stuff and i was a little dizzy. it felt kinda like i had my period but 100 times worse. but i decided to go to school anyways because i had a history test. on the way to school i felt so bad that i decided to just call my mom and have her pick me up as soon as i got there (i didnt want to make my friend turn around because then she would be late to school) so i got to school and went to the clinic and my mom picked me up a few minutes later. then she drove me home. and when i stood up to get out of the car my mom said "i think you feel sick because you have your period honey" and i kinda blurted out "how can i have my period when im pregnant?" and then my mom took me to the hospital. and it turns out i had a miscarriage, except they were going to give me a DNC or something. i dont really know what that is except i guess you get it after a miscarriage. but first i had to have a sonogram and when they did the sonogram they said i was still pregnant. i had been pregnant with twins and one miscarried but im still pregnant with the other one. at the hospital my mom was so nice to my i guess because she was worried about me. like they said i didnt have to stay overnight and i could go home because the other baby was fine. and i told my mom i was afraid the other baby would die too and so she talked to the doctor and they let me stay there so they could watch me and make sure the baby was okay. so then on wednesday i came home and just mostly slept all day because i kept waking up at the hospital so i was still tired. also all of wednesday my mom refused to talk to me. but then thursday she was really nice to me and same with today. she said i could do whatever i wanted and she would be happy. and she said we didnt have to tell my dad or brothers if i didnt want to. and i dont want to. i cant believe i was going to have twins. maybe if i had told my mom sooner and we had gone to real doctors before tuesday then the baby wouldnt have died. the doctor said its not that uncommon to miscarry one twin. and my mom said i was a twin and she miscarried one. but my older brothers are twins and my mom didnt miscarry them. and both of my aunts had twins and theres didnt miscarry. i wish my baby didnt die. even if theres still one that didnt die. if only i had told my mom sooner. then maybe i would be having twins. atleast now my mom knows, and its not a secret. i just wish i had told her in a different way.

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Dear smr,  Oh gosh I don't know what to say.  You are so brave while going through all of this.  I am so sorry to hear about the miscarraige.  Try not to feel guilty or feel like it would not have happened if you had told your mom sooner.  You told your mom when you were ready.  I am so glad your mom has been such great support (remember she needed time to process of all this too). Give yourself time to grieve for the unborn baby.  Those feelings will be natural.  Please take care of yourself.  Come back to the forum whenever you feel like talking, we will be here.         Love, Karen

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Dear SMR,

I,too, am very sorry that you are having to face all of this.  But, please know that the loss of the twin probably could not have been predicted or prevented.  Your doctor is telling you the truth, a lot of twin pregnancies occur, but don't continue.  I know you are feeling pretty low.  I am glad to hear you are able to lean on your mom.  Also, know you can lean on all us Abrazoites too.

Take Care and hang in there.

Jeannie

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Hey SMR

Sorry I haven't replied earlier but I've been deployed and just got back.  

I know how you feel, back in 99 I had a misscarriage and had to have a DNC.  And last summer when I was pregnant with Fiona (whom I placed) I misscarried her twin.  But give yourself time to grieve they are right.  But don't be hard on yourself, it has nothing to do with you! Take care of you and that baby!  And keep posting!  You are a Strong Brave Woman!

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.  Take Care.

-Angel

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I am sorry to hear about everything.  I hope that you and your mom will keep the communication up.  That is so important.  You are in my prayers.

Have you given thought as to what you will do??

We are all here for you.

hugs-

Amanda

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Guest SMR

hey guys! i havent updated in awhile but everything is going well. im in the process of picking a family. i was just wondering what you guys asked adoptive parents about... i cant really think of what to say to them...

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Hey there, girl.  I am glad that you have decided to stick with us.  You have a fantastic group here for support.  This journey is long, and it is the most difficult trial that I have ever accepted from God.  How far along are you?  How are you feeling?  Have you had morning sickness?  Are you feeling like a blimp yet??  

I had the best pregnancy.  I was happy and full of energy-until I had to nap.  :D

The first question that I asked to my future and potential AP's was "what was your first concert?"

Music was so important to me. Still is!  And I know that I have chosen the right family for my little Delaney.

I think that the most important piece of advice that I can give to you is to be honest.  Be honest with yourself first and foremost.  And accept nothing but honesty from the people around you.  (including family and friends-even if it isn't what you want to hear.)  I think that birthmothers need to challenge their own minds and hearts with real questions about what life is and could be.

You can private message me anytime with ANY questions, fears or doubts that you have.  You are in my prayers with all future birthmothers and angels.  

hugs-

Amanda.

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smr,

sorry i havent posted  in response to u but i have had a very trying summer and fall. Please remember that even in your darkest hour the best friend u can have is yourself. never let yourself be down because of someone's behavior or attitude. I pray u will not have any negative comments and such said to you due to your adoption plan, but be strong and simply ask them to not comment if they can not be nice. keep your chin up.. and if u need to talk let me know..  those of us that are regulars and have been through this can tell you the road is bumpy but the joy in the gift of life you give a family is the best ever..

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I think you should really sit and write down things that are important to you. What do you want to know about these people? Be real about what your expectations on communication and contact... little, some, or a lot.

I wish I could give you a list of things to ask but as we all know birthmoms are all different. What is important to me may not be important to you. But my advise is be REAL and honest not just with them but with yourself as well.

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Hi SMR,

I am glad to hear that you are doing well.  Those first few phone calls between birthparent and adoptive parent are really tough.  The adoptive parents are just as nervous and scared as you are.  I think all of the others out there in forum land can agree that when you get in touch with the right adoptive family you know it.  It just feels right.  If you have had the chance read any of the old posts of birthparents and adoptive parents, you can see that some really good friendships have evolved from this very difficult process.

You sound like a very brave and caring girl, I am sure that you will find your way through this process.  Good luck to you and remember we are here to help and listen.

Jeannie

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Dear smr,

It's great to hear you are talking with families.  You will know, trust your gut instinct.  Since you are at the beginning of a lifelong relationship, I think it's most important that you develop a friendship first.  By all means ask all the questions you want to, do not be bashful.  If you find a family you talk to easily, maybe you won't be as concerned about forgetting to ask questions.  You will know that you will talk again and then ask.  Maybe keep a journal to jot down questions or concerns as you think of them. The friendship is so so important because you may not always agree on everything but as long as you have open communication and talk about it, usually those things do not turn out to be a big deal.  Good luck.  Love, Karen

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Guest Laura

Honey, I'm praying for you.  God, I just pray for this little girl. Your precious child.  Provide for her every need.  Create a bond of love and trust in her family.  Bless her with strength and courage.  A verse comes to mind for you.  "Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified.  Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you whereever you go" Joshua 1:9. I will continue to pray this verse over your life.  That's all I can say.  I'm hurting for you.  -Laura

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Dear SMR--I entered a reply but I don't see it on the forum.  If you got this already, I apologize, but I just want to be sure that you know that I am praying for you and my heart hurts for you and what you are going through.  I also wanted to share a verse with you that comes to my mind when I think about you.  It is from Joshua 1:9.  It says "Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified.  Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I am praying this verse over your life and trusting God to give you strength and courage to sustain you at this difficult time.  -Laura

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