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ElizabethAnn

Who Birthmoms Are

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Hello Everyone,

I am going to place my 3 year old son for adoption. I was wondering if there are any other birthmoms who have done the same and can give me some insight on placing a child. I would also like to hear from any adoptive parents who have adopted a toddler/preschooler for advice on the adjustment period for the child. I realize each situation is different as each child is different. I am need to alleviate some of my worries and fears. I want this adoption to be as easy of a transition as possible for all of us.

Thank you,

Mary

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Hello Everyone,

I am going to place my 3 year old son for adoption. I was wondering if there are any other birthmoms who have done the same and can give me some insight on placing a child. I would also like to hear from any adoptive parents who have adopted a toddler/preschooler for advice on the adjustment period for the child. I realize each situation is different as each child is different. I am need to alleviate some of my worries and fears. I want this adoption to be as easy of a transition as possible for all of us.

Thank you,

Mary

Mary-

I can only imagine what you are going through. I could never do it, myself. I placed my son for adoption in May of 2000. He will be ten years old this May, and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, and wonder how he is doing. I no longer have contact with the adoptive parents (their choice). I am at peace with my decision, but I placed him when he was just days old. I can't begin to relate to you placing a child at the age of 3. It sounds like you have not bonded with him, at all. I hope you don't mind me pointing this out, but it seems to me like you are looking for validation for your decision to place him. You are the only one who can do that for you. During my pregnancy with my son, I didn't have a good restful sleep until I joined up with Abrazo. That is when I knew that I was making the right decision for my son, my daughter (2 at the time)and myself. Abrazo is the best in the business and will take good care of you, even long after you place. In one of your previous posts, you said that you were at peace with your decision. If that is truly how you feel, then I commend you for wanting to do what is best for your child, and also bless another family with the opportunity to parent. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Lacie

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Just happened across this poem this morning and thought it said alot about who a birthmother is... demographics aside!

She Who Is a Birth-Mother

She carries within her a precious, precious life...

One that empowers her to give the unparalleled gift of

Motherhood to another woman.

The choice is not easy.

Such monumental decisions seldom are.

The conflict inher heart tugs backa and forth

As she struggles to let go.

Will her child really be better off?

She closes her eyes

And lifts her face toward heaven…

And she says a silent prayer.

Then she cathes the vision of a family.

A mom, a dad, grandparents,

Aunts, uncles, and cousins,

All weeping with joy over this treasured infant…

The newest member of their family…

The miracle they thought they’s never see.

She softly begins to cry.

With a breaking heart and perfect clarity of mind,

A still-small voice

Whispers her thundering decision…

“It will not be easy,

But it is right”

-Suzy Toronto

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An Australian athlete is currently on trial, suspected of murder in the disappearance of her second child. She'd placed her first and third children for adoption in a quest to pursue athletic stardom, a decision that baffles many in Australian society, where voluntary placement is very rare: Kelly Lane's Last Lap for Freedom.

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I don't think this is a very good post about "Who Birthmothers Are" Yes this woman placed children for adoption but I don't think it'd be appropriate to have a section titled "Who Adoptive Parents Are" and put articles about adoptive parents abusing and killing their adopted children. In fact that kind of story under a title claiming to represent the people in it just serves to scare other people about the person in the topic. Its insinuating that all birthmothers are like this one, because this is WHO birthmothers ARE

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I don't think this is a very good post about "Who Birthmothers Are" Yes this woman placed children for adoption but I don't think it'd be appropriate to have a section titled "Who Adoptive Parents Are" and put articles about adoptive parents abusing and killing their adopted children. In fact that kind of story under a title claiming to represent the people in it just serves to scare other people about the person in the topic. Its insinuating that all birthmothers are like this one, because this is WHO birthmothers ARE

Excellent point Kristal.

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Our apologies, Krystal... we were not presuming that this birthmom was innocent of the charge, since at the time of the trial, she'd not been convicted of anything (other than in the court of public opinion). It did not occur to us that anyone would think this story might reflect badly on birthmothers as a whole, simply because this mother's last child's whereabouts are unknown, because clearly her conscientious regard to the children she placed indicated her concern even for children she felt unable to parent?

Our point in posting this article here was to indicate that even a world-class athlete has had her reasons for placing, whether or not society views her reasons as "valid". (And why not? Why should any woman's career goals or dreams for her own life be considered inadequate "justification" for placing if she feels unready for parenthood?)

We do post numerous news stories about adoptive parents whose children meet tragic ends under "Adoption Nightmares", but perhaps we should've thought to place this story under "Birthparents in the News" instead.

For the record: we do not believe the life experience of this mother who placed is reflective of all mothers who place, nor do we fault this mother for the choices she made, whether or not they reflect choices we would make were our circumstances similar. Abrazo's staff holds the ultimate respect for birthmothers and regrets that anyone might misconstrue this linked article as suggesting that we believe birthmothers that place are unusually prone to any criminal element, as we do not feel that way in reality nor in theory.

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Many thanks to our beloved Holly Renee Todd, who took it upon herself to update "These Are the Women We Come From," the little video montage of birthparents that we show at orientation weekends... to see it for yourself, CLICK HERE.

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Wow!!!! Amazing Video!!

So much love in these glimpses of "who" make adoptions happen.

Hugs to "all".

Karen

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Love it!! Especially about halfway through when I caught a glimpse of my own family almost 10 years ago! God bless all of these precious women.

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What a wonderful job Renee! Very sentimental and moving. I love the music, so many memories and precious families formed by these amazing women! Thanks for including our family in the video!!! :P

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well done Renee- :D

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:wub: Awww thanks y'all! But all I did was set some great pictures to music. It's those amazing women and men and y'alls open relationships with them that truly make that video beautiful.

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Renee,

An extra special "thank you" for including Abrazo's adopted birthmom "D'Nola" in this montage. She was so very proud to be Grandpa Bruce's birthmom and her thankful heart shined through to those who knew her.

Through this video, she will continue to stand proudly for everyone to see "who she is".

All her life she was known as Aunt D, to her many nieces and nephews and her entire family but underneath it all she was someone's first mom too. Nobody talked about it, neither did she. It wasn't until she was reunited with the son she placed, when she was 87, that she became known as Mama D.

Karen

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Great job!

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Thank you for including Shauna in the video. It's a great video and lots of tears over here!!!

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Another Addition to the "Who Birthmoms Are" and Why They Place survey...

Abrazo has also worked with a mom or two in the past who got caught in a surrogacy deal-gone-bad...

I think there should be special legal sanctions for those who pay to get other women pregnant and then pull out... so to speak. :o

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Another Addition to the "Who Birthmoms Are" and Why They Place survey...

Abrazo has also worked with a mom or two in the past who got caught in a surrogacy deal-gone-bad...

I think there should be special legal sanctions for those who pay to get other women pregnant and then pull out... so to speak. :o

I have only 2 words, SPEECH LESS! Really, SMH...

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As many people know, the late Steve Jobs (founder of Apple computers and co-founder of Pixar Studios) was adopted as a baby... here is some lesser known information about the first mother, who gave him life: Birthfamily of a Genius, or How Steve Jobs Became an Adoptee ... and just for fun, here's What Steve Jobs and Homer Simpson Have in Common. (See also: JOBS: Biography; interestingly, Steve Jobs became a father first at the age of 23, reportedly denying paternity and claiming sterility and forcing his daughter's mother to rely on welfare, until he finally admitted paternity and sought a relationship with his firstborn many years later.) He was a great man, with two extraordinary sets of parents and two devoted sisters, who leaves behind a wife and four children, and Steve Jobs made a huge difference in this world... but it all started with his birthmom, who had the courage to pursue an adoption plan even without the birthfather's initial knowledge. She wanted more for her son, and he undoubtedly lived up to all her hopes for him.

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In Elle magazine, read this fascinating essay explaining one married lawyer's decision to place her baby for adoption: I'm Not What's Best For My Baby

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This was an interesting story. I'm glad she shared her feelings and thought process in choosing adoption. Articles like this help breakdown some stereotypes about who birthmothers are and show everyone that each situation is unique.

And I'm angry at her now ex-husband for treating her that way. I don't understand why people can hurt the ones they supposedly love like that.

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Very emotional story... I wonder sometimes about the moment when expectant mothers first think about adoption. What is that one defining moment like? I know this birthmother says that it was like the fog cleared out of the room, but I wonder if most expectant mothers feel peace or panic? I know this woman also feared for her child's life, so an adoption plan was a selfless act in many ways... because she was keeping him safe and because she felt another family was right for his upbringing.

Some of the comments to this story reinforce how different peoples' mindsets are about adoption in general. Some are really disheartening. I hate when I read stories like these and people say "the baby would have been better off with his mother... not adoptive mother... but MOTHER." I'm sure birthparents feel a sting when comments like these are made with the opposite connotation. Many things make a mother, by definition... and that's why I feel I rightfully share that title with my son's birthmother, but it still stings to hear someone insinuate that I'm not my child's mother. I know it kills me when people say that a child doesn't "belong to" adoptive parents... no, he is mine. He's MY son and I'm HIS mother. He's also blessed to have a birthmother who loves him very much who sacrificed a lot of heartache to bring him into this world. Neither role should be diminished.

Good for this woman for making a caring plan for her child. I didn't read where this was an open adoption, but maybe I missed something? At the end, I saw where the APs were open and willing for phone chats, exchanging photos, etc. I hope this brings everyone peace down the road. Thanks for the link, E.

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What a powerful story. Yes, there are a lot of stereo-types about Birth-Moms and Adoptive Parents. It makes me quite sad that some people have such a closed mind-set.

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