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ElizabethAnn

Who Birthmoms Are

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I'm with Maralou. I wish Oprah would do a good show on adoption too. Maybe we should all email her!

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I was at Borders last night looking at adoption books and saw "The Girl who went away" but was not sure if it was anti adoption or not. I also think we should email Oprah and get Abrazo on the show! What do you think?

Heather

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I was at Borders last night looking at adoption books and saw "The Girl who went away" but was not sure if it was anti adoption or not.

Heather

Heather, I have not yet read the book, it is something I'm a bit afraid of to read - I was not forced or coerced to place my child for adoption (they were before my time) but I still think it would hit a little close to home in that they had closed adoptions...anyway, I just wanted to say that the book was very well received by this triad group I am a part of that consists of mostly adoptees and birthmothers - so I wouldn't describe the book as anti-adoption at all, I don't believe that was the intent - rather to raise awareness of a group of women who otherwise are forgotten.

-Lisa

Edited by linlacor

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linacor -

I admire your honesty. Just knowing bits of your story, to me is just a wonderful read. I could totally understand the wait on the book. From what I read on Amazon it is a tear jerker.

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I saw the interview today on Good Morning America. The author spoke about the birthmoms still dealing the shame and guilt of placing their children. It just breaks my heart to think that there are women out there that have to deal with their adoption plans in secret after so many years.

Edited by melissamerritt

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I was at Borders last night looking at adoption books and saw "The Girl who went away" but was not sure if it was anti adoption or not.

Heather

Heather, I have not yet read the book, it is something I'm a bit afraid of to read - I was not forced or coerced to place my child for adoption (they were before my time) but I still think it would hit a little close to home in that they had closed adoptions...anyway, I just wanted to say that the book was very well received by this triad group I am a part of that consists of mostly adoptees and birthmothers - so I wouldn't describe the book as anti-adoption at all, I don't believe that was the intent - rather to raise awareness of a group of women who otherwise are forgotten.

-Lisa

Thanks Lisa for the info it might be an interesting read then.

Heather

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On a positive note, the one birthmom was able to reunite with her son. I would think that would give birthmoms with closed adoptions hope. Thank you for posting the link, Lisa.

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I have ordered the book and I am waiting to get my delivery from Amazon...I am looking forward to reading it.

I think we should campaign to get Elizabeth on Oprah.... :P along with some of the Abrazo families...

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Thanks, but I used all my powers of persuasion to try to convince Oprah to adopt a set of biracial twin girls years ago, to no avail. :rolleyes: (Funny sidenote: I was also once in touch with Whitney Houston's "people" about a possible placement, as well, but over the years, I've come to realize it was probably a good thing that not all of my "brilliant inspirations" work out as I might initially hope! Thank Heavens there really is Someone smarter in control of this operation!)

Incidentally, Pamela and I will be in NYC in September, attending a conference at which the author of "The Girls That Went Away," Ann Fessler, will be one of the keynote speakers. If anyone out there is interested in attending, check out Conference Info, here.

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I am currently reading "The Girls Who Went Away..." and I am blown away. It is wonderfully written, full of interesting statistics and social commentary, and full of true personal accounts.

I wouldn't say this book is anti-adoption. I would say it's more of a reflection on the sad history of adoption and thoughts on what got us to that point.

In order to know where were going we have to know where we've been (or so Elizabeth says on Orientation Friday nights!) and that rings true here. It has had quite an impact on me. I can only read a chapter or so at a time, it can be quite overwhelming.

I didn't realize the author was speaking at that conference Elizabeth, color me jealous!

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OMG......................U ARE NOT ALONE...................im at peace with my decision even though there are times im not at peace with the b/f.............we are progressing and achieving things....... YES, if we had the boys, well we wouldnt be able to. so yes, i'm reflectful, GUILTY, HURT, and all those other bad things but ....YES.... im proud and happy b/c my children and his others can at least enjoy these accomadations and living styles. it doesnt matter if im a hobo on the street tommorrow or a millionaire i will pray for a time machine and for God to make my life different back then..............no matter how much i love my AP'S.......... if i could change time, i would have my boys.............

but changing times, means changing people, and changing souls..........

good hearts are hard to find, easy to mend till you go through adoption.....................then you need a specialist, ............who'll you'll only meet in heaven.

Edited by breadandwater

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that last sentence was a lot harsher than i meant...............but ....yeah....there are days....... that no matter how o.k., happy, satisfied with your decision.................that you really won't be you again till God says to your face, "You're OK"

sorry if i offended anyone

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So glad you're back with us here on the Forum, girl! And I don't think anyone could take offense at your beautiful prose. You're right... some scars are so deep, only God can heal them, and some questions are so senseless, only He will have the answers we need to fill our empty places.

I especially appreciated your candor in admitting that as much as you love your sons' adoptive parents, the depth of your feelings for them can never compensate for your regret at having had to face this decision, the most awesome and awful sacrifice any parent could make.

That's not disloyal on your part-- just honest. (I suspect that as much as they love your/their children, adoptive parents must also have moments of thinking "if only she hadn't had to go through that, for our baby to be with us... if only our family's beginnings had been different.")

It brings to mind Cher's song, "If I Could Turn Back Time"; how many triad members must have that longing echoing through their souls over the years? Yet, you're right:

changing times means changing people, and changing souls...

And over the years, I've known some amazing souls that were who they were only because their parents (birth and adoptive) did what they did, for them.

After all, sometimes the most precious gems in life are found after travelling the rockiest regions.

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elizabeth, you are so positive......................no matter who you are speaking too......and your words.........do you have a theasaraus by your desk.. :P .? but being with you in group and in orientation and some "serious matters" . you should be on opera.............you definitley bring the best to both sides of the table. and >>>>>>>...here comes the greedy side....lol.......my children will be able to shout at the roof tops without their friends saying "your mom...."....and they'll be able to say yeah "that's my brother..."

obviously you have the PASSION,the knowledge, the experience, and the LOOKS

to make opera listen...........and shes like "e.f.hutton".......

ok i just dated myself ther.............. :lol:

i think if we all email her like in one 24 hour period from our ............what am i talking about.....does anyonr know a way? :lol:

Edited by breadandwater

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From a story published by The Source comes another tale of who birthmothers are and why they choose to place:

A MOTHER'S CHOICE

By ANNE CRON

Source Staff Writer

PUBLISHED: Sunday, December 3, 2006

Four years ago, Connie D. found herself divorced and raising her 14-year-old daughter, the youngest of her four children.

Connie was living paycheck to paycheck in a small apartment. She didn’t have health insurance and worked at a low-paying job.

Then, at age 42, she was also looking forward to meeting her soon-to-arrive grandson. The last thing on Connie’s mind was what she would do if she unexpectedly became pregnant and yet fate took her in that direction.

“I was shocked,” Connie said. “I knew in my heart I didn’t believe in terminating the pregnancy, but I also knew I wasn’t going to keep the child. I couldn’t raise it in my circumstance.”

Connie kept the pregnancy quiet for a few months, not sure what to do. She admits she was in denial, but did tell a few close friends and her children. The baby’s father had no interest in playing a role and Connie felt alone.

She didn’t feel like her situation was normal. Connie was an adult, older than the age of 40 and had already raised four children. She wasn’t what she thought of when the term “birthmother” sprang to mind.

“Most birthmothers fall between the ages of 17 and 25, but they can be any age,” said Paula Springer, director of the Eastern Michigan Offices of Adoption Assoc. “That is something we try to convey - there isn’t really a stereotypical birthmother. From age to race to economic and educational status, it all varies.”

After four months, during which she ate healthy and took care of herself, Connie opened up the phone book. She selected an adoption agency out of a dozen listed and was soon inundated with more than two dozen profiles of couples seeking children.

“I never realized there were so many families out there looking for children,” she said. “It was so hard to pick one. So many people deserved a family. Also, I was scared I would be rejected because of my age or that they’d think, 'How did you get yourself into this? I was just afraid of being rejected.”

Connie’s daughters helped her sort through the 25 profiles, all highlighting couples of various ages, backgrounds and beliefs. She knew she wanted a couple closer to her own age and wanted the child she carried to have opportunities.

“We want birthmothers to understand that they can choose a wonderful life for their baby,” Springer said. “They can choose a wonderful family and we can work together from there.”

While the decision wasn’t an easy one, two months later Connie did make her choice. She chose a Shelby Township family and didn’t look back.

“It was really hard to make the decision, but I know even now that I made the right one,” Connie said. “I had the support of friends and my children. I was so positive about the situation. I knew it was the right one.”

Connie was a little surprised when she discovered how active the couple was in her pregnancy, but welcomed it nonetheless. Coming out of a marriage to a man who she said had little involvement in her first four children’s upbringing, she didn’t expect to see both Lisa B. and her husband Matt accompany her to her doctor appointments. All three were present when Connie learned the baby was a girl.

“Of course I was a little nervous when I found out he would be so involved,” Connie said. “But I liked it. It was comforting to know he wanted to be there.”

The couple also wanted Connie to be involved. They turned to her as their tie-breaker in deciding how to spell their new daughter’s name. Matt and Lisa wanted to make sure their daughter, Hannah, would know who her birthmother was and where she came from.

Connie got along so well with the couple that with each visit she felt more and more confident in her choice. She regularly found herself assuring Matt and Lisa that she wouldn’t change her mind.

“In my heart I was carrying their child nine months,” Connie said. “I didn’t bond with the baby while I was pregnant like I did my other children. She was theirs.”

Both Matt and Lisa were with her when she gave birth to Hannah. Connie was grateful for their support in the delivery room and found comfort in their presence.

Connie made sure the nurses knew the situation and said many of the staff members were teary-eyed when they saw the group together with the new arrival.

When it came time for Hannah to go home with her new family, Connie found strength in the knowledge she made the right choice.

Today, Connie still never waivers and often shares her stories with other mothers faced with the same choice she was.

“I just hope that the girls and women out there that find themselves pregnant take the time to really think about their choice,” Connie said. “There is hope out there. There are so many couples out there that want a family and you can give them that instead of making the choice to terminate. Nine months might seem like a long time to some young girls, but what’s nine months when it comes to making a family?”

Nearly four years later, Hannah most definitely has that family. With a little brother and an extended family, she knows she belongs. She knows as much as she can about her situation at the age of 3, but what she knows best is that her mother and father love her.

“I love it when I see Hannah cuddling with Matt or Lisa,” Connie said. “I love it when I see her look at Lisa. The love. The love that’s there is so beautiful. When I hear her call Lisa 'Mommy’ or Matt 'Daddy,’ I know I have no regrets at all. I tell them thank you and they tell me the same. I couldn’t have dreamed of a better outcome.”

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Beautiful story! :)

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What a wonderful story. :)

I wish more stories like this would make it to the media.

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It is great to hear another open adoption that is going so well for everyone involved.

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I absolutely loved that story!! It was so great to see how easily she spoke of adoption as a "good" thing...just as easily as someone would speak of it as a "bad" thing. You can tell she had no regrets!!

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That sounds like a wonderfull Hallmark Movie to me!

I agree - but that it should be on Network TV, so this positive and beautiful love story can be seen by even larger audiences, who may not :tune-in" to the Family channel... ;)

Laura :wub:

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This was a particularly beautiful explanation of why birthmoms do what they do, and I thought it deserved to be reprinted here, as well. (This post originally appeared under "The Girls That Went Away" in the Persona Grata thread.)

Too many of us found ourselves choosing adoption as "the best" option in our minds-- with our hearts screaming in the background to please not do it.

We chose it for the child we carried, for the other children we were raising, for ourselves or for our families, and even a few I'm sure for society.

We chose because it was best for that little life to have the opportunites we never did or may never have.

We chose because we knew there were families who could never have a choice in the doctor's tests that said not only no, and for those women who could lose their own lives if they tried.

We chose because we weren't worthy of the joy or felt ashamed for the decisions that led to the predicament we were in (even if it was not our choice either through abuse or rape).

We chose because that life in us deserved more than we could give. That gift may have been emotional, or material or physical, but we just didn't feel we could give those things.

We chose because we had to. We grieve for the child is not in our arms every day. We do miss out on things, a first word, a first smile and laugh. But we gain so much more. I gained a child who asks me if I remember when he grew in my tummy, to which I say "I sure do!" And as he skips ahead he hollers "Meeee, tooooo!" That is worth more than anything paid for in tears.

The reason we chose open or closed adoptions may vary. For me, it was because my child had a right to know. To know it ALL. To never guess about anything, and have the ability to ask, or never have to, because he always knew. I chose open because that little life deserved a family who had a NEED for a child that they could not fill on their own, and I wanted to experience their joy with them, and thank God, that they allow me to do just that.

Thank God for agencies like Abrazo, and those girls there, for without them I would be a wreck!

And thank God for women like Lisa2, who have so much wisdom to share, however hard-earned it may have been and whose children didn't lose them in the signing of the adoption papers.

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that is absolutely beautiful Lisa, thank you.

That is worth more than anything paid for in tears

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