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Frank Talk about Open Adoption


Dreamer

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I think there are many people who question open adoption in just the way you did, Nico.  My mother still thinks open adoption is "confusing" for the child. (She sort of shakes her head when I tell her about close friends who have ongoing relationships with their children's birthparents)

   Open adoption makes perfect sense to the child when it is part of their personal history that grows with them.  It is a part of who they are.  I feel that adopted children have a right to know their personal history.  It isn't confusing, it's just the facts.

     I wish I had more facts to share with my son, but he will know everything that I know about his birthmother and how he came to be a part of my family.  Will he grieve and feel loss?  Only time will give us that answer, but I would much rather help him deal with the honest emotional issues related to adoption than to have him find out later and wonder why his entire concept of his life, where he comes from, and who he is was based on a lie.  I'm not sure a relationship could recover fully from that one.  

     I surmise that most people who don't feel that open adoption is the best way to go are those who do not have personal experience with it.  I feel a lot of the negativity stems from fear.  I personally appreciated the comments from the birthmoms on this subject.  Thank you for your thoughts on the subject.

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Although dealing with the "truth" might be difficult for some adoptees, I firmly believe that dealing with "betrayal" would be much harder.  For my husband and me, covering up or hiding what we know about our children's birth heritage is tantamount to a betrayal of them on our part.  I would much rather be honest with them and then be there for them should they need me than to have them find out down the line that I had this information all along and purposely chose to keep it from them, even if my intent was to protect them.

By the way, check out the post from marthaj in "In the Know/When to tell them" -- yet another good reason for being open in adoption whenever possible.

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Guest tatertot

I was reading the reply by Nico and thought to myself how and why would I ever want to take away such a big part of who my daughter is. Our birthmother is such an angel and our child needs to know how she came to be apart of our family. If I were adopted I would think that it would be more painful if I found out that the secret had been kept and I would feel very betrayed. You know that the secret will come out. We owe it to our daughter to allow her to know who brought her into this world. She needs to know that this special young women put her own feelings second and did what she felt was best for her by placing her with us.

We love our birthmom so much and we she is such a big part of our family and when she sees our daughter she is so happy. It makes my husband and I so happy to see the joy on her face when she sees Addy. I know that one day Addy will be so happy that she gets to know where and who she came from.  She will be able to feel complete and there will not be anything that can't be answered. She will not always wonder where she came from. I have seen so many TV shows about adopted children wanting to find their birthparents. I am glad that I will never turn the TV on and see my daughter looking for someone.

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Nico,

Can you imagine what it must be like for all those adoptees that found out "by accident" they were adopted.  Think about the betrayal that they must feel.  Think about how the birthfamilies feel not knowing anything about the children they brought into this world.  Read some of the posts from the birthparents and also some of the posts of the adoptive families of how they feel when they have contact with each other.  This forum is an education, in of itself, of open adoption.

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  • 2 months later...

Well my thought on the whole open subject is this...

As a birthmom I would NEVER have placed without an agreement of knowledge being shared. Not just for me but also for my son. The act of sharing information can mean the difference between an adopted child spending YEARS to find out a health history, or why they have green eyes or blonde hair. Take this as a for instance...

I have a daughter who is 9. For 9 years she has been asked, where did you get that gorgeous red hair? This has been asked by strangers and friends. She has the joy not only of knowing her history enough to say her great great grandparents had this hair and that she looks just like her mom, and her mom looks like her dad and he looks like his mom. This is a heritage thing. She has a timeline to share. She can say those things and so can her friends.

Now put yourself in a child's shoes. You dont know why you have brown hair when mom and dad are both blonde. You dont know why you have never seen a picture of your mom with a big tummy. And your friends find this amusing???? What then? Do you come home and celebrate your differences and the fact that you get to be special and have an extra family member called a birthparent or more????

NO YOU DONT!!!! You come home and cry because you dont know why you are different, or why when the teacher asks for everyone to tell their family story and  you cant show that picture. You get teased because of it and you are made fun of over it!

NOW WOULD YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO FEEL THAT WAY?

I would not and I dont believe that ANYONE would want their child to either.

OR how about this....

Your grown child needs a health question answered..

Say they need a kidney  or a bone marrrow donor and the doctor tells them that their parents or siblings are the most likely match.. and when you ask them... They have to say that its not likely beacause you arent their biological parent, and then they cant tell you anything about your bio-family and then who knows where to find them...

Your child deals with their mortality and the fact that all they thought they knew is not right. That they may die. When you could have said well lets get on the phone and call her.. or him and see . To be able to share the knowledge with your child should give you a piece of mind that no other bit of info could give, and keeping it or ignoring it would be fatal. Would you choose it for you??? Now will that be the legacy you give your child?

As for me and my family, and in turn my son and his, we will always know where the other is. We will always be able to call and say we love them, or ask a question, be it life threatening or not. and we will always be connected not by sealed court documents that specifically say we are not connected, but by heartstrings. Our hearts need the others, just as they need us. My son and my daughter will know their sibling, they may not have the same home but they share a bond, and its not a secret web of lies.

Ok, I will step down off the soap box, for now, and get on to a happier less irritating subject. I will go with the thought that maybe I have changed a mind or a heart, maybe even both. May this post make those of you who are in closed adotpions find a way to share and talk about the secrets before they bury your child in misery, or in actual death, from lack of knowledge. May those of you considering adoption see why open is the best for the child. are we not supposed to ask ourselves as parents whats best for the child? Isnt that why most birthmoms place a child beacuse it is best for them?.. then why cant those of you adopting our children not continuing to calm your own fears by choosing closed adoptions.

Please think of the children WE, as Birthparents, did...

Lisa

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Amen Lisa2 - very well said - I couldn't agree with you more.

Besides....it isn't our right to hide this information from our children - they are people too and they have a right to know - we, as human beings, owe them honesty and respect and it is their right as a person to know where they came from and their heritage.  I find it extremely disrepectful (among other things) to keep this type of information from them ...

-Lisa

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I have a personal experience to share.  I've posted this before under a different Forum topic, but it's really most appropriate here.  When I was a teenager (I grew up in W.Va.), I went to visit some of my dad's family in Ohio...it was about 1970, I think.  Before I left on the Greyhound Bus, my mother cautioned me that my dad's cousin's daughter was adopted, but she didn't know it.  My mom said "Don't say anything about (name withheld) being adopted because she doesn't know."  Even then I thought it strange that everybody in the family knew about it except the one person that it affected the most...the adoptee.

I also heard a radio show on Family Life Today a few years ago, about an adult adoptee who didn't learn on her adoption until she was well into middle age.  Her a/mother had already died, and her a/father had alzheimers and was in a nursing home, when he began babbling one day about her being adopted, and her "secret" was out.  Everything she believed about herself felt like a lie.  Sadly, the adoption records are closed and sealed and she had been unsuccessful in locating any info about her birth family.   The show brought out the point that the effects on adults who learn of their adoption as adults are much more devastating.  When a child has been told the truth, he/she learns to accept that truth as just another part of his/her heritage.  I believe truth and trust go hand and hand.  Just my thoughts.

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  • 3 months later...
Guest Newbie101
blink.gif My husband and I are new to the process and are currently completing the inquiry for Abrazo. After reading the comments so far, I was wondering what the relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents usually looks like in an open adoption? What happens if the adoptive parents move out of state? Is there an expectation that they will travel back for visits with the birth parents? I know that a lot of this is situation dependent, but if I could get some perspective from both sides. We are excited to have a relationship with birth parents as well as our child, but we also have a large extended family and adding another person to visit often would probably become a problem for us, can we still have an open adoption?
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First of all welcome to the greatest place on the internet.

Secondly, of course you can still have an open adoption. Our relationship with our birthfamily is very open but we live 15 hours from each other. Unfortunately we live in TN and our birthfamily lives in San Antonio. Because we live so far away from one another, we talk on the phone 2-3 times a week(more if we can get away with it). We also send cards, pictures and videos often. We visited last June with our birthfamily and are planning a trip this Fall. They are plannng a trip for Grace Ann's second b-day. I would love to see them so much more, but with my husband's job and our birthdad's job it is just not possible.

I don't think you have to live close to be considered an open adoption. There are so many other ways that you can keep that relationship going strong whether you live 2 miles from each other or 5 million miles from each other. It is just up to the people in the relationship.

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress of becoming a family.

Warmest Wishes,

Melissa

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Guest Newbie 101

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for the support and your quick response. We are very excited to start our journey and to learn more about what to expect as we go along. It is great to have a place to talk to others in similar situations or farther along the journey. I think that I will have to refer my parents to this website in order to begin to get some of their questions answered and for them to understand as well.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Michelle&Scott

tongue.gif Many years there was a wonderful couple in Chattanooga Tennessee who wanted to have a child. Both of them loved children and everyone knew they would be great parents. As fate would have it they were unable to naturally have a child on their own. At that time there were not as may options as there are today so their best option was adoption.

One day while the mother to be was saying a prayer that they would be able to adopt the phone rang and it was the adoption agency saying if they want him a baby in on his way would they like to adopt him. There was no question in their mind that they wanted this child. Then when they saw him and held him for the first time they knew they would always love him as their own.

I know this story all so well because for the past 37 years I have known it as the story of my life. I know that I was loved by these two people as much as any child was ever loved. The funny thing however was being told all my life how much I look like my dad. Heck the week before he died we both got a good laugh when his doctor said that he did not have to introduce me that he could tell that I was his son. Heck I was told that all my life.

OK now to the present day. My wife and I have found out that we are not going to be able to naturally have children. Even after my surgery to attempt to correct a problem and 17 staples later we know that is not an option. So we are going into this with a unique view of the whole situation. I guess you could say it’s a family tradition.

So to answer any questions about can a person love a child that is not a biological child. It is my experience to say yes it just will come natural.

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Dear Scott & Michelle,

I loved your post. It is also my experience as Mom, to two very precious girls, both adopted through Abrazo, that love truly comes naturally!

You know what, they look like us. (Not that it was a goal of the adoption process, since obviously we had no control over it) Only our birthparents knew the right place for their babies, even before we knew.

People, not in the know, actually think you can menu order a baby, it astounds me.

You will start your adoption journey so much further ahead than most, because you are .....in the know. How lucky and blessed you are.

Karen

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  • 3 years later...

We don't know whatever became of Scott & Michelle from Chatanooga, but his post still has meaning today, so we just thought we'd revive this thread, for those who may not yet have mined all the nuggets of wisdom that can be found here, among all these pages and posts...

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So to answer any questions about can a person love a child that is not a biological child. It is my experience to say yes it just will come natural.
Brian and I have known several AP's who have done this without any hesitation. We, too, believe we can too and it will come natural to us.
We don't know whatever became of Scott & Michelle from Chatanooga. . .
Stork, I do too. We live just outside of Chattanooga. Depending where they live or lived, we could be within a couple of miles of them :) Cathy
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You know open adoption is working when you are talking to your friend (Sandra and Parker's birth mom) and she couldn't wait to tell you about this lady she did some work for that had two adopted children ( white woman with two biracial girls) AND she spent an hour talking to her about "opening" up her adoptions and why open adoption works. Including whipping out one of the many brag books I have made and sent in the past two years filled with all the wonderful momments we have spent togther....in her words as "A FAMILY" my heart is full!! :) !

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You know open adoption is working when you are talking to your friend (Sandra and Parker's birth mom) and she couldn't wait to tell you about this lady she did some work for that had two adopted children ( white woman with two biracial girls) AND she spent an hour talking to her about "opening" up her adoptions and why open adoption works. Including whipping out one of the many brag books I have made and sent in the past two years filled with all the wonderful momments we have spent togther....in her words as "A FAMILY" my heart is full!! :) !

VERY COOL, Heidi! :lol:

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That's great, Heidi! It is really neat to see the "ripple effect" of our learning and experiences being passed on. Wouldn't it be cool to see how many people have been touched by your story?!

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Heidi-- that you and your friendship have empowered her to take pride in her plan for her child (traditionally a source of shame and guilt for many birthparents) to the extent that she could proudly and freely advocate for openness, with someone who potentially had economic power over her-- is huge! What a testament to the love you share for the son you both adore!! A standing ovation, and countless hugs to each of you!

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You know open adoption is working when you are talking to your friend (Sandra and Parker's birth mom) and she couldn't wait to tell you about this lady she did some work for that had two adopted children ( white woman with two biracial girls) AND she spent an hour talking to her about "opening" up her adoptions and why open adoption works. Including whipping out one of the many brag books I have made and sent in the past two years filled with all the wonderful momments we have spent togther....in her words as "A FAMILY" my heart is full!! :) !

This is what openess is all about. It warms my heart. Thanks for sharing Heidi.

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Open Adoption is when your talking to your daughters BF and he has mixed feelings that he has placed his daughter for adoption and wants to call you but does not want to impose.You find all this out because you as the AP made that call to him and made him feel comfortable about how true you are to the openess and keeping him as a part of her life even as far as when we go to visit them in TX to meet her birth Grandparents and her sibblings. Now how great is is that.

I feel my daughter has not lost her family in TX because of the openess but has gained an additional family in NJ. Through our children we have gained her birth familes as our family and family is what its all about.You have to be true to the openess of adoption always and not just talk it. It truley is in the best interest of the children and if you have the love for your child (children) its the only way.

The next step is I want to get my son's BF involved also. Since I don't have a number we are starting with some letters and pictures. Hope it works.

Linda

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  • 2 months later...

For anyone out there who has promised their child's birthparents that they'll "let" the adoptee get to know them if and when that child is "old enough" to decide they're ready:

Did you let your child decide whether they were ready to go to school?

Did you let your child decide when they were ready to go to the doctor's office?

Did you let your child decide if they were "ready" to eat vegetables?

Did you let your child decide whether or not they were ready to be baptized?

Did you let your child decide if they wanted to meet your relatives before introducing them?

It's a parent's responsibility to guide their children's interests and to expose them to those people and experiences which will help them grow.

Ensuring that a child can grow up from Day One not just "knowing about" but personally knowing the original members of their God-given family tree is the responsibility of each parent who adopts, so that their son or daughter can always be a whole person who knows every page in the first chapter of their own life story.

The longer you delay, the harder it will be... not just on you, but your beloved child, too.

Don't wait to give your son or daughter that which (and who) belonged to them from the very beginning.

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