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Frank Talk about Open Adoption


Dreamer

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Smitty, Just wondering where you went to and how you are doing? We are all here to listen and try to understand we do not want to scare you away but try to make you understand that everybody on here has feelings and even though we can not see each other typed words still hurt! I hope that everybodies comments did not scare you away. I hope that you can come back and post so that maybe you can get past the bitterness but  maybe post with a little more kinder words.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Smitty, So sorry we havent seen you on here. Just a suggestion, maybe join under a new name and start over?

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  • 3 weeks later...

One caller this week expressed dismay about the agency's open adoption practices, stating that they didn't want to "go to all the trouble of adopting a child only to feel like we're raising someone else's child-- we want it to be our own." It was a painfully honest admission of an issue many prospective adoptors struggle with, and yet, a terribly succinct summary of the problem with closed adoption. Until one comes to terms with the reality that adoption does mean "raising someone else's child" can one really prepare for the role of parent by adoption? Adopting parents do need to feel entitled to love the child they adopt, but why must love be so exclusive? And how does one overcome the "own"ership issue, for the good of the adopted child who needs to be able to become his or her "own" person, a member of two families by birth and by adoption?

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I think that the basic fear many people have with open adoption stems from their lack of knowledge and education regarding the open adoption experience. Abrazo's ability to educate us and teach us the real value of openess lays the groundwork for a parenting experience that the entire triad will benefit from. Open adoption is not what you say to "get a baby". You must embrace the opportunity to have a relationship with birthparents and to teach your child the values of openess. We met a couple this weekend who is considering adoption. They had so many questions and fears. My husband and I remember those times. These people had only heard about open adoption from media sources ect.....Once they heard our perspective we hope that we have at least thought about the wonderful possibilites of openess and that some of their fears are allieviated. Adoption is really raising another child as your own, but all children are God's children and we are here to care for them as long as they are here  on earth rather by adoption or natural birth.

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  • 4 weeks later...

as a birthmom i can not stress enough that anyone considering adoption think through fully the decision to be party to a closed or open adoption. I have family members that have had terrible heartache due to the lack of personal info on their heritage and health info as well as identity questions due to physical issues like who they look like and what makes them like their biological family. I am a bmom to a beautiful son that i cherish. I have an extremely open adoption and would encourage everyone to chose this option. However i do know it is not for everyone.  But just a few thoughts for you to consider while you look at all the options of adoption and degrees of openess.....

what will you say when your precious little one looks at you and asks....

do i look like my "first family" or

why do i have double jointed fingers or....

what was my birthparents favorite song, book, show, nusery rhyme...

will i be taller than you? or...

what does my birthparent sound like when they talk... laugh ... sing...  or when they are sad...

or any other personal questions they might think of in their little brain... are you going to be prepared to say "I dont know" or are you willing to say... well we can ask and find out...and then make that call or write that note... and get the answers

just imagine how the birthparents feel... when they ask those questions about their child that they so lovingly gave to another family... whatever the reason. Can you deny both your child and the bp's that connection. I hope not.. because when i got a happy mother's day call from my three year old son i couldnt contain the joy in hearing his voice on my answering machine.... or when he calls and sings or just babbles.... i even enjoy the friendship with his ap's... we are all a family and through that i believe he will grow up stronger and mentally healthier with a common knowledge of his first family and the ap's family... including the half sister here with me...

keep in mind that many many of the children placed have siblings either at home with the bp or placed prior or after them... could you stand to not have knowledge or contact with the flesh and blood you grew up knowing.. how would your life be different....

sorry to ramble on but in the past few weeks i have spoken to many families considering adoption... many of whom visit here and they tend to be very wary of open adoption... this scares me.. i thought our world had learned from the adoption tradgedy of our pasts and how the "questions" can separate a child from their ap's who dont know or wont share any knowledge... lets build families... not tear them down.. and learn from our mistakes....

i will pray that all of you take to heart these thoughts and ramblings of a birthmom... one who would not have placed if open adoption did not exist...

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Guest ElizabethAnn

Lisa2, thank you for such a moving appeal for openness! You have a very  special way of bringing that message "home"... and that it is truly a gift.

There's an agency in Vermont where open adoption is instead called "compassionate adoption"... and maybe that says it all. Because any adoption lacking compassion surely disregards the best interests of the child concerned... and that's a frightening concept.

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  • 2 months later...

We find that once we did our first open adoption we could not imagine doing another one any other way.  For all the ups and downs, we walked away from the experience knowing it was the right thing to do. Now we tell every one about it.  But it is a surprize to learn how many people, even in our extended family, still don't understand. We think they secretly worry that we should be "more careful" and with all the child abductions involving strangers lately, why don't they realize we have even less to worry about, since our children's birth parents are friends we care about, who care about us as much as any other relatives !! How nervous we would be if we had not gotten to know them so well from the start.  Are there really places out there still doing closed adoptions anymore?  & WHY?

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i have no idea why someone who wanted to parent a child would deny that child another loving relationship. and if they would.. are they deserving of a child at all... maybe they are but if so then why do we have such a problem with those who were adopted years ago.... why do they have the empty spots in their hearts... that empty hole is the same degree of pain that a parent would feel if they knew nothing of their child except for the begining... never to have a happy ending to a life story or be able to lift up that life to God in rejoice instead of in pain and brokenhearted feelings...

may we all have happy endings and may we all realize that no one has the right to "take" a relationship away from someone else... this includes ap's, families and agencies that promote closed adoptions... in my mind they rank right up there with the abductors who refuse someone the relationships they deserve

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Guest Marta and Glen
As a birthmom I do not choose to pop in & out of my sons life.... we have a relationship that creates a "aunt/nephew" feel. He knows I love him and he is old enough to tell me he loves me but as for deciding not to be involved isnt why i chose an open adoption... I chose it simply because i WANTED to be involved. No, I do not call or "show up" daily but I do call periodically and will visit in May. The whole point of an open adoption is to have a family feel between all involved and not be "babysitting".

Lisa2,

What do you do when you don't agree with an action or statement made by the adoptive parents?  For example, if you don't agree with what the adoptive parents allow or don't allow the child to do, how do you handle the situation?

Did you and the adoptive parents set boundaries of how much interaction and to what level you would have in the child's life?

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i am not a parent to him.. i am the equivilant to an aunt or family friend... they choose to raise him in their way and i am ok with that... maybe i am crazy but thats one of the jobs of a parent and i am not in a parenting relationship with him.. and as for openness we did discuss the degree of openness and decided that we would all be ok with conatct occasionally.. then we became such good friends that we are more open than we origionally planned

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That was a good question. And a good answer! It makes sense, too. When we were married, I might have wanted to set boundaries with my mother-in-law. Or prearrange her "level of interaction" in our life. But in real life things don't usually work that way. We grew in to it and now, yrs later, we have a balance we couldn't have planned from the start.  I hope things with our child's Birthmother will work out like that too. Before the baby came we were scared of her. Now we're scared of losing her. {Who knew?!?!}

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Guest Concerned

We all know the hardships of children growing up with divorced parents, having to divide their love between two families.  How come I feel this open adoption process creates a similar "broken" family?  The adopted child finding him/herself between two families.

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I think a lot of people confuse "open adoption" with co-parenting, which is simply not the case.  In most divorce situations, the child does find himself/herself spending time with each parent -- it truly is co-parenting.  But, in open adoption, the child is "parented" by the adoptive parent/s ... and loved by the birthparent/s.  Our birthparents do not make the day-to-day decisions about the welfare of our children, nor are they "responsible" for them in any way -- that is our job.  What they are are simply two more people in our childrens' lives who love them and take an interest in their accomplishments.  Hope this helps shed some light on the confusion you may have -- I'm sure some of the other people out there with open adoptions can offer additional information.

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Dear Concerned,

You are absolutely correct: adoption, by its very nature, does create painful fractures between children and their loving birthfamilies.

This has been an age-old problem and one of adoptions' most agonizing effects. Adoption is the voluntary infliction of lifelong loss upon a child who has no say in the matter until much later--and historically, the resulting response of many adoptees was "how  could  you, the parents who were charged with providing for all my needs, deprive me of my very birthright--the need to know firsthand who I am and who I come from?"  

Openness in adoption has, therefore, become one of the most loving and compassionate ways we know to right those wrongs, for the ultimate good of the child. Done properly, it is healing and inclusive, like the reuniting of loved ones at a family picnic-- not damaging and divisive like joint custody arrangements in an angry divorce.  

It's not easy for the grownups, Concerned, and perhaps that's where the greatest hardship lies.  It require being honest with children about their early life losses... acknowledging the sadness we all feel that their birthfamilies found themselves in such difficult circumstances.... maintaining relationships with the others who love our child as much as we do (and maybe more, since most of us can't fathom any circumstance under which we could put ourselves through the loss of a voluntary relinquishment... says something about us, doesn't it?) It's not easy, to be this selfless.

Open adoption requires that we view love as a gift our children cannot get too much of.  It requires that we not compound the loss already incurred in our child's life by the birthparent sacrifice which made our parenthood possible.

To be capable of being such gracious adoptive parents requires much preparation, self-examination, learning, growth and maturity-- as well as the asking of many perplexing questions, such as the ones you raise. So thank you, for making the effort to understand what open adoption is and why it's so essential for healthy children! Keep on asking. And learning. It matters!

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I think "Feeling Blessed" has hit the nail on the head.  The Birthfamily/Adoptive Family relationship is not at all like a divorced family relationship.  Our relationship with our birthmom is that of friends.  Our conversations are two mommys talking.  She has an older child, and we have an older child in addition the child that was born to her.  We trade mommy secrets, we vent when our older boys are giving us fits...

There are times that I sense the sadness in her voice.  She has sustained a terrible loss and it hurts her.  I hurt for her.  I know that she knows she is is very much a part of our lives and she has a very important spot in our baby's life... she is his beginning.

"Concerned"  it is good that you're asking these questions... all of us on this forum have insight into the adoption process. Please continue to ask your questions.... and if you are considering adoption, as scary as it seems it is really one of the "coolest" experiences that you will ever go through.

Good luck,

Mommy2

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  • 3 weeks later...

Does adopting at birth make a difference in the child's acceptance of their place in their adopted family? When an adopted child talks constantly about missing his birthmom, it's very painful for the adoptive parents! Does open adoption ease this tension since they have a relationship with the birthparents already?

Our nephew, who was adopted at age 9 from an orphanage in Cambodia, acts as though his mom did him a huge disservice by adopting him and thoroughly rejected her as a cruel person who made his life miserable. As a result of that difficult relationship, he's living with us now and even though we've bonded as a family and he seems happier in our environment, now he's started talking about how much he misses his mom.

I am confused and scared that if we adopt a baby, I'm signing up for a lifetime of pain and rejection by a child who just wants to be with his "other mom".

Is my experience with my nephew unusual or are my fears grounded in reality? I need to know before I take the plunge. Adoptees, birthmoms, adoptive parents, Elizabeth...please give me some feedback here!

Thanks

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Sugarfamily, these are really important questions and I'm so glad you have (1) the courage to ask them, (2) the drive to explore them and (3) the wisdom to pose them here... because the Forum is full of wise and caring people who've grappled with the same kinds of queries and fears and can probably offer much more sage advice and appropriate answers firsthand, from the "been there, know this" perspective.

From a clinical standpoint, I do think kids adopted later in life and those adopted internationally often have very different needs and adjustment issues than those placed domestically as infants in open adoptions. (Not better, not worse... just different.)

It's normal for all kids to fantasize about families they might have had. Yet it can be more complicated for children who were adopted to resolve inner feelings about the birthparents they never knew for reasons they don't understand. It's not uncommon for adoptees to wonder what life might have been like had they been given a say in determining whether they stayed with their "families of origin" (just as parents who adopt may continue to wonder, after adopting, what their biological children may have been like and how life might have been different with such offspring.)

Likewise, it's normal (if not healthy) to project our fears and frustrations and work them out in safe surroundings (explaining why parents have historically made such great targets whether or not we were ever adopted!) Check out the "why so angry" topic under "In The Know"--and maybe invite your nephew to share his own insights on being adopted here on the Forum--he may have valuable feedback for us all.

So much of every adopted person's adjustment and identity formation is dependent upon so many factors beyond their control-- having been raised by families with varying levels of loss and grief, parenting skills, adoption training, emotional stability, education, infertility resolution, entitlement, anger management, spirituality, self-esteem, etc. That's why it's so essential that prospective parents do their homework, and seek counseling to "get their ducks in a row" before adopting. Although nobody can ever completely prepare in advance, parenting is an enormous and thankless task, so learning all you can upfront just helps better the odds of making it an optimal experience for both you and your child!

Please don't be afraid, Sugarfamily. Your candor, your valor in taking on teen challenges even before dirty diapers, and your willingness to tackle the big questions are already indicators of what great parents you will be. Learn all you can from the Forum folks (the real-life adoption experts!) and keep your eye on the goal! because somewhere out there is a child who is going to need just exactly the love and guidance that you have to offer, and you can  get there from here.

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Hi Sugar Family! My husband David and I just adopted two wonderful sibs - a daughter age 7 and a son age 3 through Abrazo.  We also have a bio son, almost 8, and daughter, 9.

In our situation, the children obviously had a close bond with their BP. What really surprised me was how much I liked the BP myself.  We call her on Sunday mornings after church, and send her letters and pictures. The children have two moms. I can't imagine having it any other way.  When couples divorce and remarry there are blended families, and two sets of parents,too.

My husband was adopted as an infant. At that time, all adoptions were closed. He was told all along that he was adopted (as were his two siblings.) Unlike some adoptees, he has never searched for his birthparents. He says he has been mildly curious at times, but overwhelmingly feels that his parents are the two people who raised him. He holds no ill feelings for his BP, either.

I hope that as time goes by, we can continue to maintain the relationship that we have with our childrens BP. In case you're wondering, NO, I don't worry about whether she will "want them back." After all, we are not hiding them from her. She made a very courageous decision with the welfare of her children in mind.  

Remember, all children are from God. Some of them take a direct route into our families, and others take a longer, more scenic route.  Sally

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OOPs! Sorry, Sugarfamily. I just reread my post and realized that I did not directly answer your question about whether the adoptive child would ultimately reject the adoptive parents and want to go back to the birth mother. I think this is a very common fear for adoptive parents. Friends of ours who were considering adoption asked my husband the same question. He replied that he could not speak for everyone, nor predict the future, but that he had always considered his parents to be the people who raised him. (keep in mind that his adoption was closed)

Our newest family members - daughter age 7 and son age 3, have only been with us for a month.  They speak to their BP on the phone once a week.  There has been no crying or "I wish I was with you" when they are on the phone with her. They tell about riding their new bikes and going to the park and making new friends.  The three year old sometimes asks, "I see you tomorrow?"  But I think the 7 year old has a better understanding.  They did already spend some time away from the BP, in foster care.  Also, since being back with the BP, I think they moved around alot, living in several less-than-ideal places.  

One of the beauties of open adoption is this...When I had to chase down the 3 yr old in Target, after he had run away from me for the second time, I told him he had to ride in the cart. He wouldn't hold my hand, so I had to carry him. While I did, he screamed, " NO NO NO! I'm gonna tell my mama on you!"  I got several strange looks from other customers, who I thought might suspect me of kidnapping. Then I told the 3 year old that he was welcome to tell his BP all about it when we called her on the phone on Sunday after church. I said that I knew she would tell him that he should listen to me, Mama Sally (we refer to the BP by Mama and her first name, also.) A 3 yr old moves on to the next thing pretty quickly, and he has not once remembered one of these incidents by the time of the Sunday phone call.

Hope this helps!  God Bless You!

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I agree that this is a big fear for adoptive parents. It's hard to say when I let go of this fear. We have had our little boy for over a year now. And I guess, the more I mothered him, the more I felt like his mother. I hope that makes sense. But as time goes on and we are totally his parents, and he treats us like his parents, you just become "the parents" with all the good and bad (not so much bad) that that comes with. I am less fearful of him "wanting" his birthfamily, b/c he still has them. We share letters and pictures, and we are open about them, I think there will be less fantasizing about them, b/c they are real. I think with closed adoptions its scarier wondering who they are, how do they feel, will my child want them back. I am a person who lays all my cards on the table and facing things makes it easier for me. The more I accepted open adoption, the less afraid I was. Our son has another family and I want him to know them and meet them, and I think he knows who his "mom" and "dad" are and we will always be that to him, and just like we will have room in our hearts to love any other children we might be blessed with, he will have room in his heart for others too. Face the unknown, don't fear it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

okay ya'll you have heard from the ap's side of this story but not from a birthmom's. I chose to place my son because i was not in the right place in my life for another child and due to the extreme circumstances of his creation. I felt this was the best choice for all involved and by placing him i gave him the opportunity for a life he would not have had the chance for with me. I loved him therefore i placed him.

However, as for his "need' to return to his"origional family"... he IS with his family and i am a mere friend who gets to share in his joys and triumphs as well as comisserate on the few bad days we all have as parents. This allows him to have the connection with me as well as the family and life he deserved. He came into this world with nothing and he will continue in this world with much more wealth in love than he could ever wish for. We all love him very much and as for him "returning' to me, that is just not an option. I am often asked by ap's in waiting and by those who are not invovled in adoption circles what i will say when he calls me after an argument with his parents, and he wants to come "home". I simply reply he is home and that he has to learn to respect and listen to his parents just as a biological child does. The adoption story behind his family has nothing to do with where he may want or wish to be at any point. He is where God wanted him and we are all blessed to have the relationships we have. So no i am not simply waiting for him to return and they are not hiding him from me. I love the ap's just as much as my son. I say my son because God gave him to me, but he also gave him to the family he has today and will have forever.

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I am also a birthmother. Although I do not have contact with my children or their parents I am not sitting back waiting for them to return. It's actually quite the opposite. I know they are very much loved and taken care of. I do "Hope" that one day they will contact me. But just to meet me and say Hello. And maybe so I can answer some of there questions. But not to be there parent. I was raised by a stepfather and never met my birthfather. I always wanted to know who my birthfather was but I never wanted to go live with him and I never had any desire to leave my family to go find him. I have since found him and still have not met him but he could never take the place of my step father. He raised me since I was four years old,he took care of me he instilled his values on me. He loved me! You just can't get that from somebody who didn't raise you. I think if a child wants to contact their birthparents it's out of curiosity not to find their" long lost family". Everybody wants to know where they came from! It's just like a person who is not adopted looking up their family tree as far back as they can. It's something I think everybody wants to know not just adopted people.

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Jada.

I love your replies! You have great insight! I too, hope that my son will some day re-connect with his birthfamily, I want him to know first hand how much they loved him and did the best they coud for him. I agree, I don't feel like I am parenting someone else's child, but also on the other hand, I feel and accept that our son does have another family and it takes nothing away from us at all!  Love is love.........

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