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Frank Talk about Open Adoption


Dreamer

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I was going thru old files the other day, stuff from before we came here. I found these lists of questions we were supposed to ask when checking out adoption agencies. It didn't help us much then (beccause our biggest questions were the ones no one could answer the way we wanted to hear!.) We wanted to know exactly how long it would take to get a baby. How much it would cost in the end. What open adoption would be like, would it turn in to a problem. I think the most useful thing we did was talk to other couples who adopted thru Abrazo. Hearing their stories (and the birth-moms at Orientation) was what really did it for us.  my advice for new people is, take your time! Ask all the questions you have,  but make sure to learn all you can from others too.

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I know in our adoption support group, the question was how honest to be when filling out applications and doing the home study interviews.  Lots of folks worried about getting knocked for telling the truth about income vs. expenses or drug experimentation in college or church attendance or prior marital problems, that kind of thing. We kept in touch with our local support group and with the people from our orientation over the internet and from our experience, the only thing that got fokls in hot water was when they didn't ask those questions upfront and tried to hide it. Better to know from the start I think.

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Smitty2002 -- That was the exact question I asked in our first Orientation session in the summer of 1994. Now, as the mother of two through open adoption, I can tell you the bonding was different. With our first child, the bonding was immediate! Partly because I so desperately wanted to be mom. When number 2 child arrived, I was in a much different place emotionally -- busy caretaking a child, caring for a dying parent, and trying to be a part-time worker and full-time wife/mom. Thank goodness for my husband who bonded w/ our son (second child) immediately. It took me about two months before our son and I connected, but I remember that day now. Eventhough the bonding was different with each child, the love is deep and strong.

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Guest Smitty2002

OK. SO, NOT TO BE CRASS. BUT WHAT'S THE POINT OF PAYING ALL THIS MONEY TO ADOPT IF ALL YOUR REALLY DOING IS BABYSITTING FOR SOME BODY WHO CAN JUST COME + GO OUT OF THE KIDS LIFE AS THEY PLEASE???? HOW IS THAT EVER REALLY YOUR KID IF YOU HAVE TO BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT ITTS NOT?

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Smitty -- Are you assuming open adoption means co-parenting or foster care? No, that has not been my experience. Our children's birthparents do not come-n-go in their lives, they are part of their roots -- their beginnings. We teach our children to honor and respect their birthfamilies and to realize that without them, we would not be parents. Our daughter is now 7 and quite able to articulate her feelings. Children have an amazing ability to discern feelings of love and devotion. Other than the Interstate Compact time of waiting for approval to return to our home state, we have never had feelings of "babysitting" someone else's child.

As for the cost of adoption -- I view it as a cost for services not unlike the services you would pay if you birthed your child. Unfortunately, insurance companies don't recognize adoption costs, so we have to count on the adoption tax credit to help with the costs.

If you are just now considering adoption, how fortunate that you have the บK tax credit -- we adopted our first child when there was no tax credit but realized that those who help bring babies into the world are providing a service that is critical -- therein lies the cost that is necessary. Just my view for what it is worth.

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As a birthmom I do not choose to pop in & out of my sons life.... we have a relationship that creates a "aunt/nephew" feel. He knows I love him and he is old enough to tell me he loves me but as for deciding not to be involved isnt why i chose an open adoption... I chose it simply because i WANTED to be involved. No, I do not call or "show up" daily but I do call periodically and will visit in May. The whole point of an open adoption is to have a family feel between all involved and not be "babysitting".

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Smitty, think of it like Aunts and Uncles or even Grandparents. These people are a part of a childs "Family" they see the child often or even as much as they want but that does not make the parents "babysitters" because the child has other family members that see them and are a part of there lives. And just like these other family members if they were missing in the childs life that child would be missing a great deal. I hate to think what my life would have been like not knowing my grandparents or my aunts and uncles or anybody that I have had in my family. I lived many miles away from alot of them but they are still very important to me. I believe this is the same for children who are adopted and who know and have contact with their birthparents. They are a very important part of their family. Now that I have said my piece on that may I ask you some questions? Why so "bitter" about OPEN adoption and what end of adoption are you on? Are you looking to adpot or are you looking to place or are you just curious?

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Guest Smitty2002

WE WANT TO ADOPT. WE ARE GOOD PEOPEL. WE HAVE EVERYTHING TO OFFER A CHILD! AND AFTER ALL WE HAVE GONE THROUGH! NO ONE SEEMS TO CONSIDER THAT! AFTER ALL THE MONEY WE SPENT TRYING TO HAVE OUR OWN WE COULD NOT BARE THE THOUGHT OF ADOPTING & THEN SOME ONE OUTSIDE OUR FAMILY INTERFERING. WE AGREE THAT KIDS SHOULD KNOW THEY WERE ADOPTED. BUT ONLY WHEN THEY'RE OLD ENOUGH. WHY CONFUSE THEM ABOUT WHO THEIR REAL PARENTS ARE? WE DON'T WANT SOME UNSTABLE PERSON CAUSING PROBLEMS FOR THEM LATER. ALL WE WANT IS WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???!

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Smitty:  After reading all your posts, it seems to me that you have not worked through your feelings over infertility. I get the feeling from your statements that you feel like adoption is second best, since you can not have a biological child. Please take some time and consider why it is you guys want to adopt. You ask "how can you love a child that is not your own" My son, who we adopted almost 2 years ago is my own..I have never thought otherwise. You talk about all the money you have spent and the money it takes to adopt. Yes, it is a big financial commitment, but there is no amount in the world I would not pay for my son. All the open adoption questions, about someone interfering with your family......that is really a very poor way to think about it. My son's birthmother is an active part of his life, but in no way does she co-parent him. She loves him, and simply wants to see him grow and thrive....and we feel so blessed that she does want to be in his life.  In my humble opinion...please ...please...invest some time in understanding what open adoptions are all about...then invest some time in yourselves..grieve the biological child you may never have and then look into adoption...if that is still what you want. Finally......my son is my son.....not my adopted son or my "not " real son. We are  his "real" parents.  You dont have to give birth to be a parent. It is what is in your heart.....and the unbiased love you have to give. It would be so unfair to any child that is adopted to treat them as anything but your own child. I hope this helps...and doesnt seem to harsh...take some time to consider this.

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Smitty,

 I found your comment of having a unstable person in the childs life as insulting as it gets....How is it that a bithparent is automatically considered unstable....???....Your ignorance on this topic is capable of hurting many people.......I have met plenty of emotionaly unstable future adoptive parents...which is not to say they don't deserve to parent....If I hadn't been emotionaly stable at the time of giving my baby up, then I would have kept her, which at the moment was not a good option....I am personally no more or less stable as a parent as the next person is....You presume that Mothers only give their children up for the stereotypical reasons....In my case(although I have never mentioned this before)I chose adoption for my fourth child purely and simply because my husband had discovered cocaine, and had spent the previous year of our life snorting everything we had away....Had he not have done that, I would have my precious baby to this day...the only financial issue we had was how to pay for a drug addict, and raise a child right at the same time....that is the only reason we had no money....this was not a choice I was given in life at the time, it was merely my reality, and it sucked...I wanted my baby, but with my husband stealing all of our money I had hidden, our other three children were hard enough to be kept clothed and fed...I knew in my heart that it was wrong to bring another child into this life...#### I didn't even have formula etc....I only wanted a better chance for her than what was available through us at the time.....I did not however give my child up because I was UNSTABLE!!!!...walk a mile in my shoes before you judge so harshly....and realize that for some people life doesn't always deal fairly.....I do not believe open adoption is for everyone, nor is closed either for that matter......honestly, I would be scared to death if you were given a child right now....you have much to learn before you choose adoption...otherwise your bitterness will rub off on your children, and they do not deserve to be victims.......

     Sorry if I am being to harsh here, but I was offended....Take care all.....K.T.

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KT - Thanks for sharing your story. It really helps those of us beginning the open adoption process to understand where you birthparents are coming from.

Smitty - It sounds like underneath your comments is a lot of pain and also some fear. I understand the pain of infertility and open adoption can seem scary if you don't know all the facts. My husband and I talked to several people and read a lot about adoption before choosing the open adoption route. Now that we're more educated about it, and thanks to the Abrazo forum can see it in action, we are much more comfortable with the idea of birthfamilies being a part of our child's life, when we do adopt. Remember, you and the birthparent work out ahead of time what level of openness you are both most comfortable with. For some birthparents, they may want regular visits. For others, they may want just letters and photos every now and then. Remember, they loved those children enough to give them up for a better life than they could offer them at the time. Would you have the courage to do what was best for your child, even if it meant giving them up? There are a couple of very good books I would highly recommend, that have been helpful to me:

* The Adoption Resource Book by Lois Gilman - comprehensive source of information on everything to do with adoption, including a comparison of the different kinds

* Adopting After Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston - fantastic book for helping you through the transition

* Adoption Without Fear edited by James L. Gritter - 17 couples share their personal experiences with open adoption

A lot of open adoption agencies also recommend "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber & Phylis Speedlin. It is a good book for understanding the birthparent's point of view, but I didn't like their statement that "Adoptive parents will never totally parent their child; and adoptees will never be totally parented by their adoptive parents." That brought up in me feelings like you expressed, like they were insinuating that adoptive parents weren't enough by themselves. I tend to agree more with the comments from the birthmothers in this forum - it is important that the children know they were not rejected when they were given up, but rather given to the adoptive parents out of love. Therefore, having a familial relationship (but not co-parenting relationship) should be helpful, not harmul.

Good luck in your journey to make the right choices for your family.

Linda

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Smitty,

Obviously there are alot of issues that you and your spouse need to work through before you consider adoption. I don't know exactly why you are so bitter, maybe you could elaborate a little more on that. I think you need to consider the well being of the child you adopt more than how much it is going to cost. I also want you to realize that this forum is not strictly for adoptive parents, it is also for birthparents who we all have come to cherish, so please try to think before you post. Every birthparent has their own special circumstances on why they chose adoption and they should not be judged or stereotyped by anyone.

K.T., my respect for you grows everytime I read one of your posts. What a strong woman you are!

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Maybe it might help to look at open adoption in terms of "relationships" and the learning curve that comes with them... just as very few folks enter the halls of successful matrimony through arranged marriages, the best placements start with trusting but fragile relationships which grow over time, as both parties learn together what a child needs. And that, after all, is what good adoptions are all about!

(Some children, for example, need a lot of affirmation that the birthparents are an active, welcome and involved part of their lives, because it answers those identity cravings that beg to know that "where I'm from is an acceptable component of who I am." Other children, however, may seem pretty disinterested in birthrelatives, seemingly reflecting their birthparents' lack of need for ongoing contact, yet may actually start acting out these needs in adolescence...)

You don't know, when you walk down the aisle, exactly how frequent your weekly or monthly communication with your new in-laws may be, nor they can they tell you for sure, not knowing what the future holds or how these life changes may affect everyone, but there's usually an understanding that "as family" everyone will work together to meet the needs of all, if possible. Same with openness.

The best news, perhaps, Smitty, is that you don't have to carry the frustration or confusion or anger you may be feeling right now as you approach this process all the way through (nor should you!) Through orientation, through readings (such as sugarfamily suggested), through the wisdom and perspective of Forum friends such as K.T. and Jada and Lisa2 and all the other wonderful folks trying to help you here, you too can ride that learning curve to a new level of insight that transforms openness into a blessing to be welcomed and not a battle to be fought.

And if it just doesn't seem like something that fits, feel free to check out also your other options out there! because finding a good fit is essential, whether it's a matter of choosing the right program or committing to the right birth match or  (ultimately) becoming the best parent you can be. As we tell folks at Abrazo, "open adoption isn't just how you get a baby into your home, it's about how you live your lives once that child is there." And that is surely much too important to be simply left to chance!

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Smitty,

As a mother of one biological child and one adopted child, I can say that the love that you feel for a child, no matter how he/she entered your lives is incredible.  The birth of my son was one of the happiest days of my life and I felt that same type of joy when my second son was placed in my arms by Elizabeth at Abrazo.  

As for relationships with birthparents, you realize through the adoption process that they are the real heros in the adoption triad.  Most are faced with situations that if they could do ANYTHING to change it they would.  They have to make the decison to put thier children's needs before their own.  Over time, it is usually the adoptive families that want to keep up with the birthfamilies.  

Adoption can seem scary and full of unknowns, but it isn't.  It is as special as bringing into the world a biological child.  I agree with the person that posted earlier that maybe you need to take some time and let your infertility hurts heal.  We have all been in your shoes, and understand the desire to be a parent.  I wish you the best in your journey.

mommy2

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Smitty:

When I read your first post I was going to answer, "my boys are mine", adopted or not.  But as I read further, I like some of the others who have posted feel that at least you have not yet come to terms with infertility.  Once I could say (and believe) that "birthin' a baby doesn't make a mamma" could I pursue the path to adoption.  My husband and I have wonderfully open relationships with our two sons birthfamilies and love each and every minute of our phone calls and visits.  Both birthmothers have expressed that placing the boys with us was the best decision they have ever made.  I truly forget that the boys are adopted.  They both know (ages 5 and 4) that my tummy is broken and two very special ladies carried them in their tummies for me.  

I feel like I am all over the place here....but I have to agree that you (and maybe your spouse too) should still do some real soul searching before going further.  Sure the child was "made" by someone else and yes, it costs a lot of money (up front) but in the end.....you are the parent.....one of the greatest jobs you will ever have in your life.  

Please let us know what we can do to help you.  You really don't have to go through any of this alone.

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Smitty, I would like to ask you to read my posts in HEART TO HEART under Perspectives. Some birthparents are willing to go through agony to assure that they do not disrupt their childrens lives. We are not placing our children for adoption as an easy way out  it is very difficult and heartbreaking and the pain never goes away but I am willing to do that so my children can have happy wondeful lives. I would not call that unstable. I think that comment is very selfish and heartless. I realize that you have been through a great deal and it must be very painful but so is placing a baby for adoption and untill you realize what birthparents go through to make sure our children are taken care of and happy you will never truly be able to be the adoptive family that birthmothers look for. Our children deserve the love and respect and they need to know they belong and that they are your children no matter what,and if you cant learn to come to terms with the fact that you can not give birth to a baby(as painful and heartbreaking as it is) you will never truly be the parent that you could be to a wonderful baby. No matter who the baby came from it's still an innocent child deserving of love and that means total love with no conditions or restrictions.I believe God made some woman unable to birth children for a reason. It is because he needed the best most patient and loving women to take care of the babies of the women who place them for adoption.If adoptive parents didnt go through what they do how could they ever appreciate the wonderful children that come into their lives the way they do?I am so, so sorry for the people who can not have children of their own, I could never imagine how painful it must be. But I am forever grateful to these people also because they make the most wonderful parents to my children.Hopefully you can find some kind of piece and come to terms with your situation so you can get past this and go on to be the wonderful parent you want to be. I will be praying for you and if you have any questions or want to talk please feel free to ask or send me a message!

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Jada, as an adoptive Mom I really appreciate what you said about "us".  I also believe that God gave me a "broken tummy" for a reason.  He knew that someday two beautiful little boys (and hopefully a little girl very soon) would need an extra large family!  Thanks for your inspirational thoughts.

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smitty....

i have waited to post so that i might get past your hurtful attitude and not lash out as i post a reply...

but as a birthmom of a beautiful son who i placed with a very wonderful couple i am VERY OFFENDED. You have chosen to type before thinking of the pain and unrest you may cause to a family thinking about placing a child... you have also not given respect nor the bat of an eye as you type very unnerving things to and about birthfamilies and adoptive families as well...

so i will give you a lil insight on how i feel... you may not have been given a "working tummy" due to the way you handle things in life. you may need to go through some pain and heartbreak before you are able to fully love a child. I do not know. However, as a birthparent giving advice... before you go through an adoption plan and giving yourself hope you should really think about your hopes and dreams...

do you want a child .... so badly that you could love any child... do you ask God for a healthy baby or do you ask for a baby with conditions of parenting... will a birthmom chose you if you are so bitter ... could you agree to care for a child of someone so giving if you are such a close minded individual?

maybe before you post or further your thinking about adoption you should attend a little group session that has birthmoms, adoptive parents and proffessionals that could help you get past the hurt, anger, heart break," let down by God" feelings that you have  and get to a more happy place of love and mutual respect.

i will pray that you will find peace in your heart and mind and that if you do chose adoption that you have become a more receptive person to another's feelings and wishes...

may you have the opportunity to parent without interference from anyone except those who want give love to that precious baby... for all of us shall reap the benefits of a loved child

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mommy2....

you too are one of the many many wonderful women we enterust our hearts too...thank you for being the kind of woman we are all proud of and would give our hearts and hands to in a new family a million times over... you treat us as though it is special... unfortunately not all do that

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