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Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Girl,

Don't you dare dessert me! I look to you in so many ways. You know what those are! I am sorry you felt out of place at the reunion. I have to admit I would be the same way.............We need to go together next year! I'll start saving my pennies if you will................

I'm not sure a bubble bath is the answer, but I do know that your insights are very valuable and timely. Do what you need to do. Perhaps finding a single parents organization close to you (finding a group of singles who have adopted may be too much to ask) is what you need to do, but please don't stop posting here. You are such a wonderful resource and always give all of us so much to consider. We love you, girl! I hope you log on to see our encouragement to stick with the forum.

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Sabrina,

I agree with everyone you have to stay. We would miss you and your boys terribly. WE are all different and things that make us feel out of place and uncomfortable. I look to your wisdom and perpesctive. As a Mother of two boys like you that are so similiar, I value your opinions and love your stories. The forum would not be the same!

Love,

Katharine

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Ladies,

Thanks so much for all the words of comfort! Thank you so much for valuing my opinion. I in no way meant to make it sound as though I don't appreciate everyone. I have to agree with marthaj that I was having a bit of a bad day. I also want everyone to know that I love this forum and the people on here. You are all wonderful! As I am sure you know we all get overwhelmed by parenthood at times. Single parenthood is not easy...neither is parenting....period. I did not mean for it to come across as if the Abrazo forum was not supportive of single parents ....because without a doubt it is!!! I was just saying that I ...no one else....feel out of place at times. I loved camp abrazo ...my boys loved camp abrazo. I am trying to make plans to attend next year. I often feel out of place in large situations when it's just me and my boys. This feeling is in no way a reflection of how wonderful Camp Abrazo is. I am not in anyway making plans of living the forum. I realize that I am not going to find a group of single adoptive parents around. I just want to be able to vent about things ...though....I feel guilty. You see I made a CHOICE to adopt as a single woman. So, I often get the comments that it was my decision. The just of it all is that I am just feeling a little overwhelmed lately. I guess that I just need to stop all the whining and get on with it. I have two great kids!!! That is enough to make anyone deal with things. When I got up and got on the forum this morning...(like I always do) it was like the sun came out when I read your posts( and it is cloudy and raining here). So, thank you your words mean so much!

Sabrina

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Oh Sabrina, I am sorry you were having a bad day. I believe I do know how you feel raising the boy's alone. Gary is gone from Monday am until Friday afternoon and sometimes Dylan pushes me to my wits end. There have been many times when I have called him and said you are going to have to come home I can't do this alone. Parenting is very hard. I don't think my husband has a clue what it takes to keep it all together and going from week to week. Have you thought about maybe some day meeting MR RIGHT??????? You may think I'm crazy for asking you that, but just because you adopted as a single mother dosen't mean you have to remain a single mother. I feel so bad about Camp Abrazo. My son enjoyed hanging out with your boy's so much he would be totaly crushed if yall did not come next year. I promise you next year I will be able to visit more with you. Brenli was only 2 months olds so I was kind of tied to her. Next year she will be running around and I will have a little more free time....I hope. Anyway keep your chin up and when your having a bad day email me because I'm probably in the middle of Dylan's home work or trying to get him to get a bath or something that is making me crazy. smile.gifsmile.gif

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Sabrina,

I echo what Sherri is saying. I find parenting all consuming, and I have a very supportive and helpful husband. As a matter of fact, I was in Nashville for three days last week and Tom did wonderfully all by himself with the children. It takes both of us, all our time, all our energy. I feel overwhelmed and harried many days and I have a live-in support system!!!

I admire your commitment to parenting as a single parent. I have no idea how hard it must be for you. I see single parents all the time and I am amazed at how they are able to manage alone.

I wonder if your needs aren't more related to the situation of single-parenthood as opposed to being a single adoptive mother? Parenting is parenting, and although the adoption process by which we all became parents is over, the situation of being "adoptive parents" never changes. Yet, we all likely share more "parenting challenges" with each other and with biological parents than we do "adoption challenges".

just a thought smile.gif

pkk

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I am VERY clear about what my challenges are. I live it everyday. Actually the post I made really had little to do with being a single adoptive parent but, rather a single parent. I am not of the mind set that being and adoptive parent will change.....for that I am glad. I am very proud to be an adoptive parent. The way I look at it is that not everyone gets to adopt! We are the chosen ones.

I am for certain that raising children all week alone or three days is challenging. The only difference is that for me the weekend never comes. I am not complaining as if I did'nt expect that.....I am just saying that it is hard. It is sort of like knowing summer is coming but, still complaining about is being so "hot". We all have bad days...that I am certain.Challenges are just that ...challenging. I will "get over" it. Everyday with or without children overs some sort of challenge.

Sherri, thanks for your words of encouragement. I know you know that raising two children during the week is not easy.

Sabrina

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Hi Sabrina,

I wish I knew what to say but just wanted to post anyway to offer my support. I don't know what it's like to be a single parent, only what it's like to be the child of a single parent - it's a different relationship (I think) that a single mom (or dad for that matter) has with their child. I think each year must bring its own set of challenges but surely, the younger they are, the more challenging it must be. It must get somewhat easier as they grow up and can do more around the house and help with things and be a shoulder for you too when you need it. I was 9 when my parents divorced and I took on a lot of responsibilities that I know other kids in 2 parent homes didn't do (I did all the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, made dinner sometimes, was responsible for doing my own homework (i.e. if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done, my mom worked 2 jobs several nights of the week so I knew what I had to do, I didn't have her home to tell me to do it). I'm glad I grew up that way though - I'm very proud of myself and my mom for making it on her own - her being single and raising me taught me so much about self-sufficiency and being strong and capable. Your boys are going to grow up and have such a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you do for them (don't expect it in their teen-age years though, whew! I think I've spent the past 10 years trying to make up for being such a take-everything-my-mom-did-and-sacrificed-for-me-for-granted teen-ager, I think she forgives me now, smile.gif

They are going to grow up to be such wonderful husbands and fathers because of the connection and relationship the three of you have with one another. You are doing your job and raising 2 boys to be wonderful, responsible, and special adult men who will marry (if they choose to get married that is) 2 very fortunate women. Your boys are so happy (I've met them so I can tell!) and so polite and are so loving toward you.

I have so much admiration for you for following your heart and making your dream of becoming a parent come true despite it not actually working out as you probably originally thought it would. One of the things you said in your first post really stood out to me, something about how you feel like you can't vent or complain or whatever about the challenges of single-parenthood because you made a choice to adopt. I know why you probably feel that way but hey, you have every right to vent and feel frustrated and let it be known, of course you do! You made a choice to be a parent, being a parent isn't easy. I made a choice to be a parent too - we went out and did what we needed to do to adopt Kayleigh and don't think for a minute that I don't complain and whine about how hard it is sometimes - everyone needs an outlet - whether you made a choice to be a parent or single-parent or just found yourself in that situation and tried to make the best of it (it's like being a birthmother, I felt in the beginning that I couldn't complain about all the pain because I "made my bed" as my mom would say so I just had to suffer through silently - soooo not the case. We all have moments, if you don't let it out, it will eat you alive and if there are some people around you who give you that look when you need to vent about things, then find some other people to vent to.

There must be some sort of support network out there for single-moms??? There just must be - support systems of people we have something in common with are so beneficial......just sometimes feeling like you're not alone in what you're trying to do and being able to receive knowing nods from others in your shoes can be what you need to get through some of the challenges. I don't know how small of a town you live in - that may make it more difficult to find others like you (who are working, raising kids and are the sole provider) but if you could find some way of connecting with others who are looking for the same thing, that may help. What about a group for widows or people who have lost their spouses (I worked with a girl a few years ago who was in her early 30's...she and her husband had a hard time getting pregnant but had finally miracously gotten pregnant and 18 months later, he died at the golf-course of a heart-attack and he was only 35 or so. She was involved in a support group type thing with other widowers and had a couple of friends from that with young children too - they formed a really neat bond and I know she got a lot out of that.

Don't try to take it all on yourself, you are doing an amazing, incredible thing that most of us couldn't even handle for 10 minutes if we were in your shoes because we've become so dependent on our spouses to take over when we need a break (myself included!). You are one over-achiever, let me tell you! Getting your masters while working full-time while raising two little active boys who are what, 2 years apart (if that?) Do you realize how much you're doing? Try to seek out some others who are nearby who you can go to and talk to if you need to without feeling as though you're being judged and who understand from their own experiences where you're coming from. I love being around other birthmothers because immediately, I feel a connection to them - I feel like only they know what it feels like to do what I've done and just that alone can make me feel a bond with them, even if we're different in every other way...you just don't meet birthmothers every day (or if you do, we don't typically go around with t-shirts that say we are) so when I meet one, I always love spending time talking to her and hearing her story because I know she knows and feels like I feel - it just gives me some peace in that area of my life.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear the forum is meeting some of your needs in other ways, it just sounds like we need more single parents on here (ahem!!!!!) sharing their daily routines....even if it does sound as though they're not appreciative of being a parent because we all know that each and every person on here is very appreciative and very in love with their children, but we are all also human and just like we caused some stress and drama for our parents, our kiddos do the same for us.

Here's a great big hug from me to you {} (I think that's the sign for hug online, I'm so not savvy when it comes to computer speak.

Lisa :}

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Hi Sabrina,

I can't say enough how much you are admired for your strength. I'm sure there are many times when you feel that you don't have the strength to do it alone. I hope and pray that God will bring you a caring, loving and helping man if that is what you so desire! I know that for me, I am very thankful for Marcelo's support. That is the reason I respect you so. You chose to be a parent single handed and I think that is alright. If I had been single and at the point of wanting a family, I would have done the same. Also, I just wanted to comment on you being single and feeling a bit uncomfortable around all the couples. Marcelo and I took to you and your boys and I hope that you will always know that there are people out there who will always be a support to you in any way that you may need it. I hope you don't think that we look at your situation as any less respectful or meaningful. If anything, your family is even more special for the relationship that you have with your boys.

Until next time,

Claudia

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WOW!!!!

Claudia and Lisa you are toooo kind. Thank you so much for your posts ...they mean alot. Thank you for recognizing my efforts! My boys as I am sure you know are my pride and joy! You guys made a seemingly good day get even better!

Sabrina

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  • 1 month later...

Hello

Im a single, 45 y. o. female beginning the process. I am divorced and tried for many years to become pregnant, however due to severe endometriosis, it wasn't meant to happen from the biological option. I live in Wisconsin and have heard nothing but good things about Abrazo. I would love any tips, support or guidance anyone can give me with the adoption process through Abrazo especially from the single perspective. I would love to hear your story and experience...

Feel free to email me at home, tb626@athenet.net

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you.

Tamara

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Hi Tamara,

I am Sabrina a single adoptive mother of two through Abrazo. I would love to talk with you if you have any questions.

Sabrina

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Tamara,

I just want to say Welcome!!! The forum is the best place to get support and find some answers! I can't wait to get to know you better!!

Angie

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Hi Tamara,

You have come to the right place. I was single (divorced) when I adopted my son, Nathan, through Abrazo three years ago. I spent a decade trying to concieve with my ex husband and lived through a failed adoption plan. Being single/divorced doesn't change the desire in your heart to parent. Many agencies will not work with singles, but not Abrazo. Their goal is to place children in loving homes whether it be with a couple or a single.

Sabrina is an awesome resource and I know there are some other singles who have adopted through Abrazo. Just yesterday a single man became a father through the grace of God and the assistance of the Abrazo team. So, take heart. It's not if but when and that goes for singles as well. If you have any questions I'd be more than happy to give you my experience. I can be your own personal cheerleader, too. However, by logging onto this forum, you have just enlisted the entire cheerleading squad. SO...........contact Abrazo and get started if you haven't already! Rah, Rah, Rah.......................not if but when. Go mama, go mama, go mama!! laugh.gif

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  • 2 months later...

I found this article in ADOPTIVE FAMILIES magazine. It is great! I completly understand where Carrie is coming from as a single adoptive parent of two.

Just thought you guys would enjoy!

Sabrina

And Baby Makes Three

A single mom’s decision to adopt a second time.

by Carrie Krueger

My mom tells me that when I was little I said that when I grew up, I wanted to have a house with 100 different rooms, and a baby from every single country in the world. I collected dolls from around the world and always knew someday I would adopt. I also figured I would get married. I was about half right.

College came and went with no sign of Mr. Right. Career, travel, friendship and adventure took me through my twenties. Thirty hit and the knight in shining armor still hadn’t ridden up. I told my parents I was serious about wanting to adopt. My father asked me to take a year and work on finding a mate. I tried! But at the same time, I started researching adoption agencies and programs. China opened up and suddenly it all became clear. I was one of the lucky early pioneers in the program, traveling to Hangzhou in July 1992 to break new ground and bring home my daughter Claire.

At that point people pretty much figured my family was complete. But I knew in my heart it was not. As elated as I was with my daughter, as exhausted and overwhelmed as I was juggling work and family as a single mom, I knew I wanted another child. I felt at least 3 irresistible pulls:

I didn’t want an only child. I wanted her to have a sibling growing up and later in life.

I wanted to help another child, to offer a family and love to another child in need.

I didn’t want to be so completely focused, infatuated, obsessed with one individual. I knew it wasn’t healthy for her or for me.

So I pushed forward and in February 1995 I welcomed my son Cameron home from Vietnam. (Getting a boy has been really fun, but I can’t say wanting a child of the opposite sex was a reason for wanting two. I would have been thrilled with two girls as well.)

What’s it like to be outnumbered by one’s children, alone in the house with a toddler and a preschooler? Exhausting, overwhelming and a whole lot of fun. While the first period of time with a new infant was not for the faint-hearted, things really are getting easier and more enjoyable all the time.

Many adoptive parents relate to the feeling that they were "meant" to have this child, that they got exactly the child that was supposed to be theirs. I feel that times two, PLUS, I feel my two kids were "meant" to be siblings. They’re star-crossed, a love match. It’s beautiful, moving and emotional to see them together and know that they will have one another for the rest of their lives.

The drawbacks? Time to myself has gone from none to non-existent. Between work and home, I have ceased to exist as an individual. I’ve let myself go, do not exercise or even cut my hair. I have NO free time. But these are the crunch years. I really believe things will get easier (and those of you with older kids, please don’t tell me it doesn’t get easier!) Besides having no time, I have no money. In a two-parent household, you have the option of two incomes, or one income and free child care provided by the stay-at-home parent. I have one income and pay full time child care for two kids. It’s killing me. Again, I think things will get easier. Lack of time and money sometimes leaves me feeling lonely (but never alone, of course). It would be nice to be sharing the ups and downs of all this with someone else. Anyone out there got a nice, single brother who loves kids?

Some of the second child issues are amplified in a single-parent household. For example, it’s very difficult for me to carve out time to be alone with either child. And certainly those long nights of crying baby and cranky toddler are worse when there is only one parent to try to get everyone settled. Bedtimes are tough because kids of different ages need different routines. When I was rocking my 8 month old, it was tremendously difficult for my three year old to stay away from us and let him fall asleep. I’m sure plenty of couples face these same dilemmas when one partner or the other is out-of-town, working late, or otherwise unavailable. Still, the pay off comes when the two of them laugh hysterically over a private joke, comfort one another when grumpy mom yells, or run off to make "pancakes" in the sandbox. It’s worth every ounce of effort for those moments!

Meanwhile, I have to say that in general, I’ve gotten far LESS support for my second adoption than for my first. I think it is often true that people are less excited about a second child than a first. But for me I got a message along the lines of "I could understand you really wanted a child and supported you. But two? Now you’re going too far." When I express feelings of being overwhelmed by this experience, I feel some people are thinking "What did you expect when you took on TWO?", or "You asked for it . . ." It’s true, one child is a LOT easier, more manageable, more contained that two. But that just means parents, especially single parents, need even more support when they take on a second.

The adjustment to two? It takes a good solid year. With one, I felt such bliss that the late night feedings were a joy and an honor. With two I felt despair, even depression after months of sleep depravation. I felt like I would finally get one of them happy or settled and the other one would wig-out over something. It was rare that the whole household was happy at one time. But those days are starting to seem like a long time ago. Now we’re mostly happy most of the time. The kids are busy together, running in the sprinkler, finger painting or putting on a show for me. Everyone is sleeping better. Each child is becoming more capable and independent, and every day I’m even more happy that I decided to adopt a second child.

Can I hold the line at two? Everyone keeps asking me that. I don’t know for sure. But I do know that we’re all pretty happy right now. I’ve got no money for another adoption and I don’t want another BABY. But I could imagine a day when a third child, older than a baby but younger than the two I already have would enter our lives. You never know.

My parting advice to anyone, single or married thinking about two: It’s hard, it’s a lot of work and I’m SO glad I did it. I can’t imagine life without my pair.

Carrie Krueger lives in Seattle, Washington with her family

Edited by TeyandTy's Mom
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I forgot to add these survival tips that Carrie Krueger put at the end of her article. There are some really good tips.

Sabrina

Carrie Krueger’s top ten survival tips for single moms and other busy parents

1. Have lots of back up plans. Figure out in advance what you might do if you’re sick, your care-provider is sick, one child is in the hospital, the car breaks down etc. It’s a good feeling to have plans.

2. Seek a variety of supportive friends. Married friends with a stay-at-home spouse can bail you out on week days. Single friends with kids know what you’re going through. Single friends without kids are great for hikes (they can carry gear!). The point is, you need friends in all categories. Even a neighborhood grandma-type is helpful.

3. Pay for as much help as your can afford. If you can afford a cleaning person for your house, do it. If you can afford someone to manage your bills, take in your dry cleaning, walk your dog, whatever, do it. Pre-teens will often do a lot for little money.

4. Let lots of things slide. When I’m driving to pick up my kids at day care, I say to myself "Nothing matters tonight as much as nurturing these kids. That’s my focus." If you just lavish love and attention on them, get them fed and into bed, you’ve succeeded! Everything else can wait.

5. Cook dinner after dinner. No joke. Sunday night, make two dinners and put one in a casserole dish. Monday night, microwave it, and you’re eating five minutes after you get home. After dinner when kids are more calm (and tummies are full), cook up the next night’s meal and save it. I even set the table the night before because that first period of time at home after work is SO hard, having dinner all set is fabulous.

6. Get organized. Set up systems for everything. Bills, laundry, recycling. Simplify it, set up a system and stick to it. It helps so much to organize the essentials. (I teach a whole course in this, so I won’t say more.)

7. Simplify morning and nighttime routines. Before going to bed, I lay out my clothes and the kids clothes for the next day. I even untie their shoes so they’re ready. I put dry cereal in cups with lids (easier to hold than bowls) and pour milk into cups with lids. In the morning, I hand them their cereal and milk and put on a video while I shower, dress, make my coffee (mandatory!). I dress them while they continue to eat and stare at the screen. They walk to the car carrying their two cups and continue to munch while we drive to day care. Simple eh? I have a similar simple routine at night. It begins with me stating emphatically: "As soon as you are in your PJs with clothes in the hamper and teeth brushed, we can read books." I then sit down and begin reading their books to myself, inviting them to join me when they’re ready. It works.

8. Trade off with other parents. Take their kids and have a "party" one Saturday night, hand your kids off to them the next. Your gonna hear over and over again that you need time to yourself. It’s very tough to do, but one night every few weeks will do you a world of good.

9. Lower your standards. Amazing discoveries: Bed sheets do not have to be laundered every week. Fast food isn’t all that bad for kids. Children don’t need baths every day, or even every other day.

10. Courage! You’re not the first person to do this and many others have done it without having a choice or having near the resources most of us have. Whenever I get to feeling overwhelmed, I focus on how fast these years go by, the difference I am making in young lives, the difference they are making in mine.

Edited by TeyandTy's Mom
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That is so true because at the time that my husband died...I thought there is no way I would ever become a parent. God was like "that's what you think sister" biggrin.gif . He had a plan in place LONG before he let me in on it. He knew that the two sons I have were meant to be brothers and be my sons. I can't think of any puzzle that fits together better than me and my guys.

Sabrina

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  9. Lower your standards. Amazing discoveries: Bed sheets do not have to be laundered every week. Fast food isn’t all that bad for kids. Children don’t need baths every day, or even every other day.

26812[/snapback]

Sabrina,

I have been practicing these "rules" for years myself! tongue.gifhuh.gif

Great rules, for singles or marrieds, with or without kids!!

Thanks for sharing!

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I agree ladies! The lady who wrote the tips said they were for single parents and busy moms. Like you Martha ...I too have been following some of these tips long before I read them.

Sabrina

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Thank you so much for sharing, Sabrina. I streamlined my expenses toward the end of this year and one of the things I sadly let go were my magazine subscriptions. I always gained support and information when they had single parent articles. There were several comments that I could hear echoing from my past. The comments about "this is what you wanted," when commenting on something that isn't easy has irratated me more than once. I know that the reaction of those close to me would not be very supportive of a second adoption, either. I loved the tips. They make me realize I'm not a "bad" mom just a busy one who cuts corners here and there!

Gotta tell you again, Sabrina, you and your boys are a picture of beauty. Just gorgeous!

Jean

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Sabrina,

your new picture is absolutely adorable!!!! Nice job.

I liked the articles you posted. Tom and I are a great "tag team" with our children and I have often marveled at the challenge faced by single parents, namely moms. I really liked what Carrie wrote. It makes me feel like Martha, Karen, and Jean.....we not bad just busy. I am actually contemplating hiring a high school student as a "personal assistant" to do some of the things on my "forever-too-long" to do list so I have more time with the children and maybe a little time for me too.

pkk

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  • 2 weeks later...

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