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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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It amazes me how there's a continual, almost fervent, desire to promote open adoption in a way that demeans all other avenues (international, private, etc...). Can we never give any credence to other options?

I don't think those on this forum necessarily demean other forms of adoption, but we just see all of the positives for everyone involved in an open adoption. After learning about Abrazo and learning more about open adoption, we talked with adopted adults that we knew whose adoptions were closed. They all had good things to say about us pursuing an open adoption. Not all, but many adopted adults do wonder and desire to know more...we couldn't think of anything better than to give our child more people in her life to love her.

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I don't think those on this forum necessarily demean other forms of adoption, but we just see all of the positives for everyone involved in an open adoption. .

I agree! I don't think that those on this forum demean other forms of adoption at all. I think it is like we have all had experiences through this form(open). I have found it best to not talk about things I don't know about fully. I feel as though I understand and love open adoption...thererfore , I sing it's praises. My late husband only understood his own closed adoption and he was not particularly happy with the "not knowing" of it all. My own birthbrother was placed for adoption by my mother who chose a closed adoption....he too had a bad experience. So for me I tend to promote open adoption because in my situation with my children it has been wonderful. Of the four personal adoption stories I have been faced with it is the open adoption that has been the best experience.

I too like Karen would love to hear your story of a different form of adoption.

Sabrina

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It amazes me how there's a continual, almost fervent, desire to promote open adoption in a way that demeans all other avenues (international, private, etc...). Can we never give any credence to other options?
Doesn't strike me as particularly amazing...this is, after all, a community of people who have been brought together by their specific belief in open adoption. It's somewhat like visiting a forum for Mac users, or Prius owners, or Welsh Corgi enthusiasts and espousing the potential merits of Linux, Hummers, or Rottweilers. If you're looking to engage folks in a discussion of the relative merits of different approaches, you might find Usenet groups to be, well, less fervent.

I think Cool Beans makes a valid point. While Mac users, Prius owners and Welsh Corgi enthusiasts might certainly be expected to fervently promote their preferences within their own forums, surely they can acknowledge the merit of other choices outside of such. After all, hasn't the Linux user, the Hummer owner and the Rottweiler enthusiast all made "their own best choices"?

While I wouldn't go so far as to contend that avenues other than fully open adoption are demeaned (at least on this forum), it does seem to be a common assumption that if a birth parent chooses anything other than a fully open adoption, then she/he was either not fully informed of her options by the agency/attorney or was not in the right state of mind at the time, and will eventually come around to seeking and practicing openness, if for nothing else than the best interest of the child. I respectfully submit to you that there are, in fact, women in this world who choose to plan and complete adoptions that are fully closed or somewhat closed; and furthermore, these women may - even years later- still believe that an adoption with limited or no contact was in their own best interest. And let's all remember... a birth parent gives a child life and a loving family to raise him, which is in his best interest. The rest is, in my humble opinion, icing.

(uh-oh, I can sense the coming onslaught!)

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webmaster,

can we possibly move these unrelated topics cocerning open adoption, etc to a more apprpriate thread so we can discuss these thoughts in a more suitable location than where amanda updates us on her life?

thanks,

lisa :)

i'd love to share my thoughts on the subject [as abirthmother in a closed adoption] but don't feel this is the thread to do it.

Edited by linlacor
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webmaster,

can we possibly move these unrelated topics cocerning open adoption, etc to a more apprpriate thread so we can discuss these thoughts in a more suitable location than where amanda updates us on her life?

thanks,

lisa :)

Thanks for pointing that out. That's a great idea. If I knew how to relocate Cool Beans', Webmaster and my post to a more suitable location, I would have done so. I apologize for taking up space in Amanda's blog.

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  • 1 month later...

A year ago, I was still just learning about open adoptions. We had contacted an agency briefly a couple of years before that..I remember talking with the guy there and him telling me that there are many agencies out there that try to convince you to do an open adoption...he strongly discouraged that. I never was afraid of open adoption, but I have to say that up until about a year ago, I just didn't understand it. It sounded complicated, difficult, and I really wasn't sure what the positives were.

I just got off the phone awhile ago with our daughter's birthmother, and I just cannot imagine us not having any contact with her. She always calls us when she receives a letter and pictures and talks about her favorite ones and who she looks like in the photos. I love sharing our love for Avery with her. Her comments on the latest photos were, "Adorable, adorable, adorable!" :wub: I love telling her all the things she is discovering. I just couldn't imagine her not knowing how this sweet little girl is doing.

Open adoption does take work, but the benefits and rewards are truly worth it. I am just feeling very thankful that we found Abrazo and that they helped us learn so so much. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

"Love does not cause suffering;

what causes it is the sense of ownership

which is Love's opposite."

Antoine de Saint Exupery

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  • 3 weeks later...

Personal confession: I've been to enough conferences with this woman that I've taken a personal vow to never again get into a discussion with her about prenatal effects and fetal memory (let's just say she and I have differences of opinion and I don't understand how she can believe her teenage son failed his driver's ed test just because the cord was wrapped around his neck in utero!!) :rolleyes:

...But I happened to find this article of hers online and thought it actually had lot of merit, so I'm offering it here as one more piece of evidence as to why openness truly does matter:

Painful Lessons: What We Must Learn About Open Adoption, for our Children's Sake.

Read it and see if any portion of it resonates with you?

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When couples come to him wanting to adopt a baby--"By tomorrow, if possible; sundown today would be even better"--Gritter gently guides them from a What can we get? orientation to a What can we give? orientation. They emerge as a resource for a prospective birth mother, rather than the other way around, and, paradoxically, these couples end up feeling more enriched within themselves, regardless of the final outcome of the adoption.

How adoptive parents respond to their fear-whether they capitulate to it, taking refuge in secrecy and denial, or face it head on and emerge stronger-determines the integrity of the first layer of foundation upon which their adoptive experience, especially their relationship with their child, will be built.

What a good article! I love the statements above. Although I fully recognize the inner struggle taking such an orientation can involve, I realize the long-term benefit for oneself and child to take this more selfless perspective. Thanks for sharing, Elizabeth.

Edited by MarkLaurie
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Wow. That is a powerful article and several things resonated with me.

"Spry has often counseled other prospective adoptive parents to aspire to be able to tell a birth mother, after the birth of her baby, "You do what you feel is best, and we will support you 100%." Spry advises, "You can come out of this process with a full sense of entitlement, if you take that step."

"Knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss; those embarking on adoption are free to choose, but obliged to live with the consequences of their choices long after the ink fades on the adoption decree. For an adoption is truly made in the heart and soul; legal documents can't bear up what the human spirit can't leaven."

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  • 1 month later...

I'm a mother because another mother granted that chance to me.

And if you think my momhood challenges people's assumptions, think about her: a proud and loving mother who nonetheless knew that her child would thrive in another woman's embrace.

Thanks for sharing the article. I thought it was very touching. To me the above statements are very powereful.

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Great article! I read words that I have been spoken to me...I felt like I was writing parts of that article.

Thanks for sharing!!!

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awesome..thanks for sharing

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  • 1 month later...

For those who may be trying to learn more about open adoption and found this thread, check out this thread as well - it has great discussions from both birthparents and adoptive parents who are living breathing members of open adoption triads....

Frank Talk About Open Adoption

-Lisa

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  • 2 weeks later...

Another resource for anyone looking for information on Open Adoption and what it's all about (and you've already exhausted the Abrazo's Forum vast amount of information/personal experiences on the topic), check out this link

Adoptive Families Magazine Articles on Open Adoption

-Lisa

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  • 1 month later...

"W
ith regards to open records and open adoptions,
it does not matter whether adoption harms or helps,
whether it wounds or cures,
whether it solves problems or creates them.
The essential point is that
every human being on the face of the earth
has the right to look into the eyes of those
from whom they drew life
and to whom they gave life
and to know their names and stories...
no human law or convention has the right to
deny them this inalienable human right."


--Dr. Randolph Severson
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Yes!! Yes!!

I remember a conversation with an older woman before we adopted Joshua. She told me that she hoped he didn't try to find his "real" parents. She added that she never understands when people who were adopted do that. I told her that I would absolutely have no problem with that because I know who I look like and where I came from...why would I deny my child the same opportunity. Of course I added that hopefully my future child would not have to "search" because we were hoping for an open adoption.

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  • 3 weeks later...

For every prospective parent who secretly worries that hearing from the birthparent(s) after the adoption might feel invasive... and for every parent who overcame that fear and embraced open adoption only to find their birthparents are not as ready to keep in touch as they'd hoped...

I'm taking the liberty of reprinting part of a recent note mbell posted under her group thread, because I think it illustrates so beautifully why openness matters (particularly the next-to-last sentence, which I have emphasized in bold):

Thanks to everyone who shares in my excitement (about the letter we got from our daughter's birthmom after not hearing from her for nearly a year)!

While I have continued to send letters and lots of pictures to Kate's birthmom, I did not know if she was geting them, or if I was telling her the things she wanted to know, etc. It was so good to hear that she has received our packages and loves the letters and seeing Kate's smiles in the pictures. Just that feedback was so great.

But she also reiterated that she was glad she had chosen us -- what better words are there to hear from the person who entrusted us with a piece of herself??!! It made my day!

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