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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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Thank you for all the support. I would like to add that I DO have contact with Charlie now. It took 14 years but I finally have that. Like I said we are planning on a visit this summer.We were going to try for spring break but their(Charlie and Robin's) spring breaks are a week apart. Charlie and Robin talk like they were never apart. They have "BIG DREAMS" of moving to New York together after they graduate etc.... Of course it is just talk but it's talk that MOST brothers and sisters so close in age talk about(thery are only 14 months apart with Robin being older,Lindsay is 14 months younger than Charlie). I hope that they actually get to move to New York and be the brother and sister that they so deserve. It is so amazing to me how close they are and yet they have only been talking for less than a year and have never met. But they are truly in seperable. Also they have no qualms about telling anybody who wants to know they are "brother and sister" it is all over their myspaces. Anyway I digressed. I just don't want people to take it the wrong way,because I do now have contact with Charlie and his mother has been great about it. We(Charlie and I) have contact whenever we want and she has NO problem with it. He does not have to have her permission when he writes me and we talk etc... Like I said she has been wonderful about it!!! I am just waiting for Lindsay now!!!

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I am working on trying to have contact with the birth relatives, (our birthfather has passed away). I sent Christmas cards and pictures from birth to current to those relatives. We asked if they have any pictures or stories that they would want to share with us and we would love to hear about Eddie! We are hoping to hear from them soon!

How wonderful for "Eddie's" relatives to see his life continue on... through McKenna.

I hope you hear from them and are able to stay in touch. What a blessing you are to each other and to McKenna!

Karen

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Note: the fascinating discussion of gender differences in open adoption maintenance that had begun has inspired a topic all its own, under the Daddyland thread! Please join the huddle and continue that dialogue, here.
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I am a little behind on this thread and just caught up. Tina, first of all I could feel my blood pressure rise as you described your situation in your Sunday school class. I would have exploded but I was so glad you were able to express yourself so well and really educate not only the other AP but the class in general. I wish you didn't have to deal with such a frustating issue in a place you intend on finding peace and worship but I think that HE probably put you there for very good reason. I hope what you said meant something to the other AP if not now then hopefully some day.

Jada, thank you for your candid posts. I pray you get the contact with your daughter that you deserve and that she deserves. I know from my child's persective that it will be important for him to know his BP and Birthsister. But reading your posts I know that the relationship is also good for our BP. Like you she gave up a great deal and deserves contact. I know sometimes that she seems distant but I know she still cares for her son and that she wants to know- after all she too signed up for open adoption.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Tina,

I must admit that the situation in your church has been gnawing at me for a while. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I was troubled repeatedly by what I felt was an intolerant attitude that seemed so out of place in church and in a Christian community.

Then I read a devotional today where the Bible verse was from Matthew:

For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?

-- Matthew 5:46

That was my "aha" moment. It's expected that we love our families. But what about those people who come into your life and become a part of it, whether it's "convenient" or not? Let's face it, adoption is not "convenient," no matter how hard we try to ignore the realities of it. Whether we like it or not, whether the adoption is open or not, the birthparents and their families are a part of our lives now. We can try to hide them in the closet, push them away or make pretend they don't exist. But they are there, in our child's face and mannerisms and -- soon enough -- in his or her questions.

So, if we take Matthew seriously, if we recognize our Christian duty, what are we to do? I would argue that we give the birthparents the opportunity to love their child and, in the process, love us, too. I would argue that, while we may not want to love them, we must love the birthparents, at the very least for the sake of the child we are raising. And I would argue that there are infinite blessings for those of us who get past the idea that this love is merely an obligation and truly embrace the birthfamily and welcome them as our own.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

John

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It's expected that we love our families. But what about those people who come into your life and become a part of it, whether it's "convenient" or not? Let's face it, adoption is not "convenient," no matter how hard we try to ignore the realities of it. Whether we like it or not, whether the adoption is open or not, the birthparents and their families are a part of our lives now. We can try to hide them in the closet, push them away or make pretend they don't exist. But they are there, in our child's face and mannerisms and -- soon enough -- in his or her questions.

So... if we recognize our Christian duty, what are we to do? I would argue that we give the birthparents the opportunity to love their child and, in the process, love us, too. I would argue that, while we may not want to love them, we must love the birthparents, at the very least for the sake of the child we are raising. And I would argue that there are infinite blessings for those of us who get past the idea that this love is merely an obligation and truly embrace the birthfamily and welcome them as our own.

Brilliant! and so very, very true.

John, if your ears are burning right now, it's because I'm bragging to EVERYONE in our office about how impressed I am with your post and how thankful I am that we are blessed with such awesome clients, who don't ignore their doubts or fears or discomforts but face them head-on and wrestle with them until the lights come on and make everything that once was murky crystal clear!!! Thank you!!

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Beautifully said John.

We have actually started visiting other churches since that incident (not just over that, there were numerous other problems). I feel kinda bad now for not trying to be a better influence!

The people on this Forum inspire me to be my best every day.

I am so thankful for this place. :wub:

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It's expected that we love our families. But what about those people who come into your life and become a part of it, whether it's "convenient" or not? Let's face it, adoption is not "convenient," no matter how hard we try to ignore the realities of it. Whether we like it or not, whether the adoption is open or not, the birthparents and their families are a part of our lives now. We can try to hide them in the closet, push them away or make pretend they don't exist. But they are there, in our child's face and mannerisms and -- soon enough -- in his or her questions.

So, if we take Matthew seriously, if we recognize our Christian duty, what are we to do? I would argue that we give the birthparents the opportunity to love their child and, in the process, love us, too. I would argue that, while we may not want to love them, we must love the birthparents, at the very least for the sake of the child we are raising. And I would argue that there are infinite blessings for those of us who get past the idea that this love is merely an obligation and truly embrace the birthfamily and welcome them as our own.

John

Thank you John. You succinctly put into words how and why many of us feel so passionately about open adoption. :)

Karen

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I got that response from both of my kids adoptive parents."They were waiting for them to ask about me". UGGHHH!!! Well instead of Charlie asking he went snooping and found out he had a brother and sisters he never new about. I can only imagine how he really feels about that. I am still waiting for contact with Lindsay. I wrote a letter to her parents two years ago asking for contact and they said"She is just so busy with her life we don't think she is ready,but I am sure it will happen within the next year or so...." Again UGHHHH!!!! Last year I recieved pictures with no mention of any contact again. I don't even get pictures most of the time until around March or later(aren't reports due in by Jan?) They don't even "have the time" to send pictures ONCE A YEAR on time!!!! Where do adoptive parents get off saying their kids "are too busy" for their birthparents??? Maybe this is selfish but I was just "TOO BUSY" this year to send the "Never lose touch" letter that we were asked to send. I am soooo over it it isn't even funny. I gave these people MY child to raise and love and cherish forever but they are a"TOO BUSY" for me. Sorry but the more I think about it the more OUTRAGED I get. And now Charlie wants contact with Lindsay and I am afraid that they will deny him too. It just doesn't seem right.

Jada,

I am so sorry that your kid's adoptive parents are not being cooperative. I pray that they will understand SOON how important it is for them to have a relationship with you. You made the greatest sacrifice for your children's well-being. I couldn't imagine Ethan not having a relationship with his birthmother or birthfamily. That is the main reason why we chose open adoption because it is in Ethan's best interest. Keep your chin up....hopefully they will come around soon.

Donna

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  • 3 weeks later...

Open adoption goes mainstream: be sure to read this NEW YORK TIMES article about how it works and why it matters!

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Last week I was out of town on business with a coworker who is a birthmom. Her son is 5 and she currently talks to him every month, and she was wondering if she was doing the right thing by having an open adoption. She feels that she is confusing him by being around. I told her that he is at an age that he doesn't understand what is going on fully. Her son knows that he came from her tummy but that is about it. I told her that she is laying the ground work for the future.

I then proceeded to tell her the benefits of having an open adoption, having a relationship with his first family and how they are one big family now. She really didn't thing about being one big family but she did agree that she was.

I have learned so much from her already and I have told her that.

She will tell me what is going on with her son and how her Adoptive Mom over analyzes things, thinking everything is related to the adoption when in fact it is just a normal stage of life that her son is going through. I laugh at that because I will sometime over analyze things, at least I have some one to tell me to stop over analyzing!!

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  • 3 months later...

"Argue your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

--Richard Bach

This morning I'm thinking about the thousands of folks who have come to Abrazo apprehensive about openness (birthparents and adopting parents, alike!) but have allowed themselves to consider new vistas; seekers, who have learned and stretched and grown. They've made sacrifices. They've overcome their fears, to enable needed contact between themselves and their child's other people. And by doing so, they've ensured that their children have become the ultimate beneficiaries of these loving arrangements.

For these kids have gotten to grow up always knowing their first families (not just "knowing OF them"). They're secure in the love of all who matter most in their lives.

They can't even imagine not knowing where and who they've come from, for they've always known.

Then I think of the dozens of folks who came to Abrazo wanting only the "adoption" portion of open adoption. They didn't want to learn how to incorporate their child's roots into their garden of their lives, because truly, this was all about "them" to them. They didn't want to heed the agency's advice. They didn't want to have to "do the openness stuff" to any extent beyond the getting of what they wanted-- not if it inconvenienced them in any way. Or caused them any momentary discomfort.

And guess what? They were right-- open adoption didn't "work" for them, nor for their children. They made sure of that.

Children reap what their parents sow.

(Here's wishing your children a bountiful harvest of knowledge, self-awareness, stability and connectedness-- the bumper crop of open adoption!)

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I think we were one of "those" selfish folks when we came to orientation. We wanted to know all about the birthparents but wanted the information they knew about us to be limited. Even after orientation we were somewhat reserved. Once we started talking to Payton's birthmother, we shared everything about us! We did a complete 360 :) ! Brooke has come to visit all of us in our home twice now! We feel truely blessed to be able to share the love of this sweet little girl.

I guess the purpose to this post is to really dig deep into your heart when deciding what you are open to. If you put some of your fears and insecurities aside, you just might open yourself up to endless possiblities. Awaiting you is a bountiful love that can not be described by words! Just my thoughts for the topic! :)

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I think most everyone goes to orientation feeling that way. They are hesitant about this "open adoption" concept. We were! It wasn't until the research we did...and then talked to people on every side of the triad in another forum. I started to associate "birthparent" with an actual person. Both of us had to let go of sterotypes that we had in our head, and it seemed like the more we learned the less scared we became. Ignorance is what led us to fear.

The main thing I had to overcome is my OWN insecurities. I didn't want my child to know another mom because I didn't want "competition". I wanted to be thier one and only. It was me who was insecure about my place in my child's life, which isn't fair for my child. It's a reality check I think a lot of adoptive parents in closed adoption used to go through when thier child started reunion. The nice thing with open adoption is, you do this BEFORE the child is in your home, so it's not a burden on them.

Now that we are living two very different open adoptions, I wouldn't do it any other way. One takes harder work than the other...but both are so worth it. Don't let fears stand in your way!! Learn and learn and learn some more!!

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Hi Natalie,

I love your reply!!!

So many of us have many years behind us now... since orientation(s). You do seem to forget all the emotions and thoughts that we ALL had to work through to get us where we are today. Thanks for reminding me of mine.

I can remember leaving orientation so excited about "who" our Birthmom would be...and she became very real to me before we even knew each other. I was so open to knowing her and helping her through, not sure how at that point, but open nonetheless. I can remember thinking I wanted to embrace her the same way I would want to be embraced, if we switched places.

Thanks Natalie!

Karen

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Hi Natalie,

I love your reply!!!

So many of us have many years behind us now... since orientation(s). You do seem to forget all the emotions and thoughts that we ALL had to work through to get us where we are today. Thanks for reminding me of mine.

I can remember leaving orientation so excited about "who" our Birthmom would be...and she became very real to me before we even knew each other. I was so open to knowing her and helping her through, not sure how at that point, but open nonetheless. I can remember thinking I wanted to embrace her the same way I would want to be embraced, if we switched places.

Thanks Natalie!

Karen

Aw your welcome!! You have so many great answers that make me reflect & think...it's great to repay you! :)

Natalie

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Elizabeth -

Craig and I still to this day give you credit for helping us with our Adoption process. We talk about it with everyone interested in adoption. Listen to Elizabeth because without her we would not have Tyler. I still laugh about Tyler staying with Teresa the second night after placement and you calling me . :rolleyes::D

Just go with it, Openness is the best thing in the world! I love getting phone calls from Teresa, I love seeing her, and I love when she sends cards for Tyler to open when he is older. I just love everything about it!

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  • 2 months later...

Good news!

Listen to this N.P.R. feature on recent research about the impact of open adoption upon today's definition of family:

When Adoptees Know Their Biological Moms.

And from a midwestern newspaper, today: Adoption's "New" Face

But we'll know that openness has truly gone mainstream ony when the media no longer qualifies adoptions as "open"-- because they ALL are!?

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  • 5 months later...

I send an email to family and friends at least a few times a month - funny stories about what's happening in our life, updates on our adoption journey etc. Yesterday I was taken totally by surprise. I saw a friend who called me on the carpet ... Suzi I thought your emails said you were going to educate us on open adoption? (I had said that last summer in an email and totally forgotten about it.) She says so what is life with open adoption like?

So for those investigating open adoption and wondering - here is how I replied to my friend (may not be reflective of anyone else's experiences but this is our experience):

"First a homework assignemt... there is a new movie out on DVD right now called "The Duchess"... rent it! It is a powerful movie and amazing acting. It is the best portrayal of a birthmother I have seen. Generally it's easy to assume that a birthmother is someone who doesn't want children or love them or have other children. The opposite is true. A birthmother is usually someone whose circumstances simply prohibit her from raising this child.

What's open adoption like in practice....It's like having another aunt or grandma that loves our child and is interested and excited to hear about his growth and development the same way every time I see my brother Mike he says guess what Aunt Suzi, Lillian did..... They know how much I love their kids. They know I will be so excited to hear anything and everything about them. That doesn't change that they are mom and dad like Ben and I are mom and dad for collin.

If Collin's birthmom were destructive we wouldn't have a relationship with her just like you wouldn't with others in your life. She's actually very compassionate to us and our feelings. Once she asked me if it offended me that she refers to Collin as "her baby". I said no it doesn't - he is your baby. This week we were talking and she was thinking about whether it's awkward for us because people normally would ask who the baby looks like, how does that go for us she asked me. Which is so sweet of her. I told her that people have made sarcastic comments about oh he looks like you ha ha ha... I always respond that Collin's birthparents are amazing and that I have NO issue giving credit where credit is due - they created an amazing baby - my hat is off to them.

People often ask "just curious" questions about collin's birthmom - is she young? etc. I think sometimes we get caught up in enjoying drama but realistically there is no particular reason to share the answers to these questions. It gets most awkward when it's our family that asks. I just stop and think to myself - is there a reason or purpose in sharing the answer aside from this person's curiousity. If there isn't then I don't share. Collin will hear all of the information about his birthfamily that we have in age appropriate ways as he grows. Then it's up to him to decide who and when and where he shares the information with. It's not our story - our story was the journey that got us here and bringing him home. His birthfamily information is HIS and it's his to share or not share.

That's it in a nutshell... not as big of a deal you would think it would be. One of the best gifts of open adoption is that I will never forget how hard it was for Collin's birthmother to choose adoption. A social worker didn't drop collin off at our doorstep. With tears running down her face, she placed him in my arms. God could have created a world without infertility or unplanned pregnancies. He didn't he brought people together who could understand the pain in each other's hearts."

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I am all for open adoption. Once I did a little bit of reading on it, I was sold and desire it no other way. Suzi, I really liked the information you shared. I, too, have been trying to educate my friends and family on all things infertility/adoption related and this reminds me I need to do an open adoption post on my blog soon.

My quesiton is . . . what if the birth mom doesn't want as much openness as would be ideal for us? In the grand scheme of things, I trust God's sovereignty and so I don't feel like it is my task to change the BP's mind. But, I am curious to hear any advice from others who have been matched/placed with BMs who preferred a more closed adoption when the adoptive parents preferred more openness.

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I think you just have to leave the door open and always do your part even when you do not see any return ... keep sending your updates, etc. There are wordier ways to say it but I truly feel it just comes down to always sharing your love and continuing to reach out and leaving the door open for times when the other person is ready.

While we were in Texas for ICPC there were days we did not see collin's birthmom but it brought her a lot of peace that we were there and available to her for whenever she was ready. If there are times and seasons of her life when she doesn't or can't have contact with us, we need to not judge or resent this.

The other thing I would say is that before placement, thoughts about openness after placement are just guesses. I would be open to changes in the plan so to speak. After birth and after placement, birthparents may feel differently than they expected to feel. Set yourself up to roll with the punches.

My two cents anyway.

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I am all for open adoption. Once I did a little bit of reading on it, I was sold and desire it no other way. Suzi, I really liked the information you shared. I, too, have been trying to educate my friends and family on all things infertility/adoption related and this reminds me I need to do an open adoption post on my blog soon.

My quesiton is . . . what if the birth mom doesn't want as much openness as would be ideal for us? In the grand scheme of things, I trust God's sovereignty and so I don't feel like it is my task to change the BP's mind. But, I am curious to hear any advice from others who have been matched/placed with BMs who preferred a more closed adoption when the adoptive parents preferred more openness.

We had hoped for a relationship like many of our friends here on the forum have...true friendship. I do know that several of them have had years to develop it, but others are relatively new and still feel that tie.

When we were in TX for the ICPC, C made it clear to me that she did not want to see us. We were able to meet when we went for finalization and spent a few hours together in our hotel room. We have plans to see them again this year when we go to Camp Abrazo this summer. We have phone calls every month or so. She answers if she wants to talk. If not, I leave a message that we are thinking of them and hope that things are going well for them. I still send pictures to her along with letters and cards. She has called us a few times if she hasn't taken my calls for a while.

It isn't my ideal, but this isn't about me. It is about doing what I can to work with C to do what is best for Nichole. If I push, I believe that she might stop altogether. That is one of the things I admire about her...that she doesn't allow people to push her into something she doesn't want. I work within what is comfortable for C.

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