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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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Melissa, first of all, give your friend a great big 'Abrazo' hug from us!

We experienced a failed placement before we found Abrazo. We were attempting a private, attorney assisted adoption. The relationship was to be open but secretly, we were afraid of that and really had no idea what that meant. Honestly, we figured we would send pictures and letters and visit every now and then when we were in town. I'm ashamed to say that I think the phrase "I don't want them calling all the time or trying to come to our house" might have been uttered in private at some point. :ph34r: The day I took that baby back to his mother's home changed my heart forever. After two + weeks of bonding I felt like I was giving my child to someone else. (Please do not think I am implying that I know what it is to place, I don't mean that.) I think that experience was the closest I could come to empathizing though. My heart broke in a thousand peices. If it was that heartbreaking to me, what must it be like for First Moms who do place?

By the time we went to orientation at Abrazo, our biggest fear was that our placement would be closed. I spent the first year of Clara's life afraid that her birthmom might loose contact with us. (now that it's been more than a year, I am secure in our relationship and know that we will always be family.) Having experienced loss through miscarriages and other biological issues and the loss of Aiden in our failed placement, how could I be okay with taking another woman's child and know that she would never see her again or know about her if our placement had been closed? I wouldn't be able to bare it if it were me in her shoes..............

Don't get me wrong, it's not all teddy bears and rainbows. Let's be real. Clara's birthparents are family and it's a relationship like any other that takes some work. What wouldn't I do for my daughter and her First Family?

I like what Tina said here........

Those who harbor fears about open adoption, who are scared of birthparents finding them, or coming back for the baby, will still be afraid with a closed adoption, I think-- they just won't know who to fear. They may wonder if someone is looking for them, or if every stranger could be their child's BP. It is not the case with open adoption. In a strange turn of events, open adoption takes away the fear, leaving people to live much more easily.
Exactly, I feel like if you don't know your child's family you would feel like you were always looking over your shoulder. Openess takes away fear, exactly! :)

I appreciate everyone sharing here so much. What a great community of support and knowledge!

Melissa, I hope your friend stops in to the forum, send her a link and tell her to post too ;) We'll welcome her with open arms and lift her and her family up!

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how could I be okay with taking another woman's child and know that she would never see her again or know about her if our placement had been closed? I wouldn't be able to bare it if it were me in her shoes... Don't get me wrong, it's not all teddy bears and rainbows. Let's be real. Clara's birthparents are family and it's a relationship like any other that takes some work. What wouldn't I do for my daughter and her First Family?

This is so profound, Andrea. You're right! Openness doesn't make adoption easier; it just makes it better. But all good relationships take work... and what better to work towards than something that stands to benefit the child you love more than life itself?!

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Honestly gang - openess as something I agreed to because I simply thoughtit would help me get placed faster - did I just admit that out loud :unsure: . But it was the truth. I had NO idea why I checked YES - but I knew the more NO's on the sheet the longer it would take to match - I just figured I would figure it all out later and I did. I also knew that I am the type of person that keeps her word, personal intergrity is very important to me - so if agreed to visits, or pictures or whatever - I knew that I would do as I had promised. Five years later - I can't imagine not knowing my sons entire families - and in return I have a peaeful heart as do Latonya and Sandra - and that tranlates into sons that I hope will undersatnd the choices the women around them made for them.

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I know what you mean Heidi. When we first came to Abrazo, I thought that I would just tell them that we are wanting to do an open adoption. Like you said, I thought that would help our "chances" but once we heard Elizabeth and the birthparents on the panel speak, we knew we couldn't do it any other way.

I am so thankful that the ladies at Abrazo ask all of us to go beyond our comfort zone.

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Wow! I just did some catching up, and there was lots of catch up on! First of all, Tina you did a great job! Way to go on standing up for what you believe in. As others have said, if even one person goes away having a different perspective on open adoption, then it was totally worth it. I feel so sad for the adoptive family at your church, their child's birthfamily, and the sweet child who will never know his or her roots. :( Ugh! And the agency??? What the heck??? Telling the birthmother to get over it!!! :angry:

And yet again, I am so completely thankful for Abrazo!!!

Melissa, your letter is wonderful. I hope your friend finds her way to the forum.

After our most recent trip to see Avery's birthfamily, we received a comment from someone..."Oh, so you're still doing that?" It made me so mad! :angry: Still doing that??? I am pretty sure we have made it perfectly clear to EVERYONE that we hope to always have contact and visits and chats on the phone, share big news with each other, etc, etc, etc!!! It just seems that no matter how much we say and share about open adoption, some people just choose not to understand. :(

All we can do is keep sharing.

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I too am catching up on things.

Way to go Tina. You know all of your fourm friends were beside you in that room. We all have to explain to people about open adoption. Some people get it and some just never do. I just told some new friends recently that Jackson and Annie are adopted. And when I told them that Annie's birthparents have been to our house, well I think that kind of freaked them out. Anyone else have their children's birthparents over to your house. We all had alot of fun.

Melissa, I loved your letter too. Maybe you can direct them to Abrazo for their adoption?

Betsy, on your commet "Oh, so you are still doing that". We had someone ask, "Do you have to still see those people?" Talk about beating your head against the wall.

I just tell people you have to do what is best for you child. We love our children's birthparents. We get along so well and really enjoy each others company.

Jan

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I know how angry we all get when others outside the open adoption community don't understand why we keep an open relationship with our bf and why we would invite them into our home is because they fear for us.

I try to educate them but if they only knew how children then adults who come from closed adoption have expressed to us they never feel complete. The not knowing. We take it for granted we know who we look like and our history of our family. If that was all stripped away how would we feel. Yes we are blessed to have our children as they are us but in order for them to be complete they need to know about their bf.

Now some bf may not feel comfortable but hopefully someday they would be and come to Abrazo and with the letters and pics being kept for them they would feel more at ease to communicate.

As said in another post the Openess has taken away any fear and we are confident of the love and parenting of our children. We as parents gain from this experience also as through our children we have a new family also.

I know I've mentioned it before but our most recent visit from Ayannas' bf was the most wonderful experience and when I see how happy it made her and how at peace her bf was that we are parenting her just warmed our hearts.

We are looking forward to more visits and calls and even going to set up a webcam so when we talk to we can see each other. How cool is that.

Thanks for listening.

Linda

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Angela had a frustrating conversation

with a prospective adopter the other day,

who assured her that although they

"certainly have no problem with open adoption"

they weren't sure they could do it through a program

that would expect them to maintain direct contact

with birthparents after an adoption was done

because "as good parents" they felt

a duty to "protect" whatever child they adopt,

"no matter how the birthparents feel about it."

(To which I replied simply: "ARGH!!!") :blink:

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No matter what risk the adopter feels they are taking with open adoption, birthparents are always taking the bigger risk...in adoption! (as I see it.)

Birthparents must accept a social worker's report (homestudy) that this family will be good parents.

Birthparents must accept adopting parents placement promises will be fulfilled.

Birthparents must accept an agency's credentials that they are doing everything for all the right reasons, your child.

Birthparents must accept looking at a profile and trusting that the people are, who they say they are.

Birthparents must place in faith! No matter what.

Why not give the birthparents of your child some REAL faith to hold onto! Be Honest and Be Open!

Birthparents have the same parental protections concerning their child, wanting "to protect" them is their duty too.

Karen

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This forum is starting to show up in my personal life! :lol: I am working on my Master's degree and a recent assignment required us to come up with a conflict that we felt we had strong feelings about. I chose closed adoption vs open adoption. (Since I have one of each in my family.) The assignments were posted online and we each analyzed and commented on everyone's assignments. I could not believe the comments made (that posters intended to be supportive)! "Bad situation should remain secret until the age of consent", "search for real parents when old enough". Sheesh! I did something totally out of character (thanks, Tina, I think the courage came from reading your posts). I jumped on my open adoption soapbox and wrote a narrative. Just posting it made my hands shake. It will be interesting to see the next set of responses.

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Wow Bee! Please keep us updated. I am teaching a family issues class for our PhD students this spring and have a section on adoption. I think that I am going to have a forum and I am very interested to see the students perspectives and how they respond to the issues overall.

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Good for you, Bee! Someone else this week told us that they don't intend to "expose" their adopted children to the birthparents "until they're old enough to ask to meet them" and I just about fell off my chair... I wanted to ask if they planned to extend their children the same "privilege", of not meeting the adopters' relatives until then, as well? Why is it that well-meaning folks think depriving adopted children of lifelong access to their own kinfolk is okay, when they pride themselves on the high value they place on their own family connections?!

A child's people belong to them, and a piece of paper can't change that inherent truth.

Why deny kids who've already lost the opportunity to grow up with their own people their God-given right to know who they are?

How does that benefit anyone's child?

For every adoptive parent who thought they were protecting the adoptee from something, there's an adoptee whose right to know their own truth, for better or worse, is even more essential.

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I got that response from both of my kids adoptive parents."They were waiting for them to ask about me". UGGHHH!!! Well instead of Charlie asking he went snooping and found out he had a brother and sisters he never new about. I can only imagine how he really feels about that. I am still waiting for contact with Lindsay. I wrote a letter to her parents two years ago asking for contact and they said"She is just so busy with her life we don't think she is ready,but I am sure it will happen within the next year or so...." Again UGHHHH!!!! Last year I recieved pictures with no mention of any contact again. I don't even get pictures most of the time until around March or later(aren't reports due in by Jan?) They don't even "have the time" to send pictures ONCE A YEAR on time!!!! Where do adoptive parents get off saying their kids "are too busy" for their birthparents??? Maybe this is selfish but I was just "TOO BUSY" this year to send the "Never lose touch" letter that we were asked to send. I am soooo over it it isn't even funny. I gave these people MY child to raise and love and cherish forever but they are a"TOO BUSY" for me. Sorry but the more I think about it the more OUTRAGED I get. And now Charlie wants contact with Lindsay and I am afraid that they will deny him too. It just doesn't seem right.

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It ISN'T right, Jada. It isn't right at all.

And I really resent, year after year, having to try to answer for people who didn't keep their promises even when they had every reason to do so.

I know both of your children's parents. (Obviously.) Each set of parents signed those papers committing to honor their relationship with you (and with the agency), forever. They were educated people, who came with the best of intentions, the finest of references and the nicest of backgrounds. Both knew that were it not for the trust you were placing in them (and us) they would not be taking those babies home with them.

Now, those babies aren't babies anymore. Those people you made parents surely love and appreciate them no less. But over the years, both couples have become all too willing to let other things become a greater priority than the people and promises that made their families possible.

We've called them time and time again, to remind them of their commitments and the importance of keeping them.

And every time we call, they're more than happy to assure us how well their children are doing, how important you are to them, and, yes-- how busy they are, but how soon they plan to get something sent out. (Etc., etc., etc.)

I'm sorry, Jada. I don't have any answers. There isn't any excuse. It makes me unspeakably angry, too.

And it makes me all the more thankful for those good folks out there who truly do walk the walk, not just talk the talk. I just wish we had a better way of knowing ahead of time who they were (or weren't) going to be... for your sake and for the sake of all the other birthparents and children out there who haven't been able to enjoy the lifelong contact they so truly deserved.

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Where do adoptive parents get off saying their kids "are too busy" for their birthparents??? Maybe this is selfish but I was just "TOO BUSY" this year to send the "Never lose touch" letter that we were asked to send. I am soooo over it it isn't even funny. I gave these people MY child to raise and love and cherish forever but they are a"TOO BUSY" for me. Sorry but the more I think about it the more OUTRAGED I get.

What your child's parents could really be saying is "we haven't gotten around to talking with our child about their adoption and their birthfamily, yet". It can always wait another day, another year, besides they are not asking us questions yet, right? Wrong!

However Jada, the "never lose touch" letter can be sent back to Abrazo especially for the child you placed... to be saved in their/your permanent adoption file, to which your child will have full access to when he/she reaches legal age. Or until your child's parents call and request correspondence from you that they are willing to share with their/your child. He and she will then know that you were there all along, never adandoning them, always leaving the door open. I also think a handwritten letter is so special to anyone who receives one. Also a photo of yourself (and family) doing what you enjoy or at work, thereby showing your child a glimpse of your life each year or more often if you choose.

The "never lose touch" letter lets you communicate with your child even when "they are not ready yet".

Karen

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I have done this own my own for years!!! Before the "never lose touch" letter was even around. My children are not babies,toddlers or even school aged. My kids are TEENAGERS. And Abrazo can attest that I have ALWAYS been here for them ALWAYS!!!! AND they can also attest that I have done my part for YEARS. Like I said I AM DONE!!!! I will send one more letter asking them to PLEASE let Charlie and Lindsay have contact. After that,it's up to them. I have sent pictures(which Lindsays mother keeps put up and doesn't show her). I send all of these through Abrazo. So yes I have done my part. I invited them to my wedding etc... I got a congrats in my yearly pictures!!! But that they were too busy to come. I knew they wouldn't come I just wanted to see what her response would be. I am sorry but I have become bitter. I love both sets of parents and Charlie's mom and I are getting better(she even talked to Robin on the phoner a couple of days ago). But there is only so much a person can take. I can only take so much rejection and let down. Maybe it comes with the territory but just like them,my life has to go on and "waiting" on them is bringing me down. I even had a friend through Abrazo who was their friend for awhile. She even tried to get them to open up. She has an open adoption with her children. But no luck!!! It is something that is going to take more than me asking. It will take Lyndsay asking and I just have to accept that. If she ever does. Because I am sure the way she has been raised she will be one "afraid" of asking in fear of hurting her parents. It's just the way it is.

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I am sorry but I have become bitter. I love both sets of parents and Charlie's mom and I are getting better(she even talked to Robin on the phoner a couple of days ago). But there is only so much a person can take. I can only take so much rejection and let down. Maybe it comes with the territory but just like them,my life has to go on and "waiting" on them is bringing me down. I even had a friend through Abrazo who was their friend for awhile. She even tried to get them to open up. She has an open adoption with her children. But no luck!!! It is something that is going to take more than me asking. It will take Lyndsay asking and I just have to accept that. If she ever does. Because I am sure the way she has been raised she will be one "afraid" of asking in fear of hurting her parents. It's just the way it is.

I am sorry you are so bitter, please understand that it is not your children's fault.

Children rarely want to rock the boat at home, so it makes sense that they would not ask alot (or any) questions of their parents concerning their adoption if it has never been brought up by their parents in the past or present...leaving children thinking it is not something to be talked about. Which is sad in itself. But one day these children will be grown up! Their information (along with all the things you have written and saved for them) will be there for them one day, thankfully. :)

Karen

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I would never be bitter towards my kids. They actually have nothing to do with this and I know that. Charlie contacted ME first,so I know it can happen. But I need to realize that with Lindsay it will have to be the same. All my prodding and asking is probably just making her parents pull away even more. So I have to wait until the day she comes to me. Hopefully that will happen some day.

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So I have to wait until the day she comes to me. Hopefully that will happen some day.

I pray for your connection soon.

And I am so glad you continue to post and remind us all of the importance of maintaining open lines of communications with our children concerning their adoption and their birthfamilies. Sometimes we do get busy and before we know it, so much time has passed.

Jada, even though, you are not able to change the situation with your child's family at the moment, I know you are helping many other families see the other side of their actions and inactions, promises kept and promises broken.

Thank you.

Karen

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A child's people belong to them, and a piece of paper can't change that inherent truth.

For every adoptive parent who thought they were protecting the adoptee from something, there's an adoptee whose right to know their own truth, for better or worse, is even more essential.

I like this statement and hope to remember it if I ever have to defend our desire to keep doors open. I think some parents can get a backwards view of what "protection" really is. I definitely understand the instinct to protect, but I believe in most situations it can be done with appropriate boundaries and not have to resort to "deep dark secrets" and closed doors. Keeping secrets rarely provides any lasting protection.

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Jada,

I too am sorry about the lack of communication and broken promises you are experiencing. It is hard for me to believe that people can work with Abrazo, attend orientation, listen to the birthparent panel, etc. and still turn a deaf ear to pleas for contact. (although I suppose people can sit through orientation etc. with a deaf ear and do and say what they felt was needed for placement.).

I have learned so much from the Forum in the 2+ years since our orientation, and so much of the wealth of information that is on here is because of the honesty and openness of people such as yourself that post so that we may all learn from your experiences. Thank you and I hope you have the contact you desire very soon.

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Jada,

I am so sorry that you are going through this lack of contact with Charlie and Lindsay. That must be so frustrating for you. I'm praying that both sets of adoptive parents "see the light" and understand why it is so important for the kids to get to know you and each other.

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