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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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Oh, Tina... I feel your pain! Angela has to keep me away from prospective adoptive parent intake calls, most days, because I just can't abide this kind of ignorance anymore! but I think talking with your pastor is definitely an important first step.

Harboring irrational fears of one's child's birthfamily is so detrimental to that child; in my opinion, it borders on child abuse. I do understand that our culture and the media has exploited those apprehensions, but I think anyone who is qualified to adopt should be educated or principled enough to overcome their own feelings of fear to embrace the "whole" of who their child is-- which, yes, includes the people in their family of origin.

This doesn't mean, necessarily, that you find their birthparents irresistibly lovable, and move them into your home as well. But it means that you hold an intrinsic respect for the human beings that they are; that you empathize with their loss of their child and the family continuity that was forfeited as a result of their adoption decision; and that you raise your child to feel proud of the people from whom they're descended.

If nothing else, does Christian faith not require that we appreciate God's gifts to us, trust in His plan for our families, and love all people?

I wonder if perhaps the Holy Spirit is somehow using you, Jay & Tina, to bring healing to the people in your church whose children so surely would benefit, were their parents to overcome their paranoia and thereby embrace them more fully?

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Tina,

First of all, your family is sacred, your personal life and your decisions should be respected as such. It's hard to enlighten the ignorant, sometimes.

Adoption is not about living in Fear! (which is why open adoption really works for your family.)

Karen

ps. Good luck in trying to be supportive of parents/folks that do not see the world from their child's point of view.

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I hate to be a worrywart, Tina. But eventually (soon) Mackenzie will be old enough to understand these sorts of things/comments/attitudes, so I do think that some sort of underlying change needs to happen. Like that the environment in the church, in the school, etc be respectful of different relationships. I know you probably don't want your family to be the flagwavers, but some discreet conversations with people in charge might be appropriate. All my best, Kay

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Reading this just boggled my mind but I understand as Craig's grandmother until recently (or at least she quit expressing her feelings to me) felt the same way about our son's first family. I was so tired of explaining it to her that every time she brought it up I said the same thing over and over.

N and K will always be a part of who Eli is and if it wasn't for them we would not have this wonderful son. We have to maintain this contact for him because of who he is and who he will become. I am sorry that you do not understand but this was our choice and you need to respect our choice.

I would also get a statement ready for you and Jay to say when you are approached about "mak(ing) sure Makenzie is safe." My suggestion is Thank you for your concern but each adoption story is different. Because of our open relationship with our daughter's birthfamily we know that she is safe and have none of these concerns. If they keep pushing it just repeat the first statement and/or offer to discuss your open adoption one Sunday so that everybody will understand what an open adoption is.

It is tiring explaining this but we have to for our children otherwise they may think we are ashamed of the adoption.

Good Luck.

Edited by varnervol
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Tina,

I feel for you. Church is supposed to be the place where you find a community of supportive people. I agree with Kay and Elizabeth. Perhaps you should talk to the pastor.

Thankfully, our church has been incredibly supportive with us. Our minister has two children adopted from Korea. Another family adopted their son (who has since passed away) in Texas more than 30 years ago. They simply adore Hendrick. Our pastor's wife watches him in nursery every Sunday, and she also adores him.

In another church group we're in, there are several families who have adopted.

We may be the only "open adoption" experience, but I have to say that nearly everyone has been either completely accepting or politely curious. Those in that latter group seem geniunely interested when we tell them our story. I'm very happy to carry the banner, but I have to say it is easier when folks are so helpful along the way.

This leads to a question, though: What do we do about "toxic" people when it comes to their possible influence on our children? Some folks you can just ignore. Others, such as relatives, you can't. I'm not a fan of snarky comebacks, so patience is definitely a virtue, but what about those folks you just know have the potential of poisoning your child's mind? Do you change churches? Confront them? I really don't want anyone telling Hendrick he should worry about his birthmother. Nor do I want anyone thinking he's a freak because he has contact with her.

This is the hard stuff we all will deal with, so anyone who has experiences to share, please do. Your advice is definitely needed.

Edited by John&Nina
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It's times like this, I wish Abrazo already had "the Abrazo children's video" available, showing and teaching open adoption from the child's point of view, that can be shared within families and in classrooms and churches across America.

It's in the works, but not soon enough for me (and others) who really care about sharing with other's how full and loving "open adoption" relationships can be, not only for our children... but for all of us who love them so... with open hearts and loving intentions.

Let's turn some of these toxic people around, together!

Karen

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Unfortunately, our church doesn't have a preacher at the moment. We are searching, so there is no one for me to talk to that can address the issue on a wide-spread basis. Our elders are all very supportive of us (We consider three of them family - one biologically and the rest adopted us as their own ;) ).

Everyone that knows us loves Makenzie. She has been fully accepted into our family and our church. Our church as a whole is extremely supportive of adoption, and we have several fund raisers each year in support of a local adoption agency (mostly dealing with foster kids).

I don't think anyone is anti-adoption, they are just anti-openness. No one understands why on earth we would want contact. They are all fearful of it, and they worry about it hurting Makenzie in the future (she won't know who to love, what if she wants to go live with them instead of you, etc.). I hear all of these things any time it is brought up (We also have a few immediate family members that ask the same thing). :unsure::blink:

And yes, I do get TIRED of explaining OVER and OVER what openness is and isn't. Most of the time, I don't get into it. Our social worker said it was OK to say "she is adopted" and leave it at that. We aren't in charge of educating the world at large.

I do speak up when it is appropriate (and when I have the energy) :rolleyes: . It is tiring though. We have talked about finding another church home, for many reasons, and we may have to if it continues to be a problem as Makenzie gets older. There are many adoptive families within our church, it is unfortunate that we are the only ones blessed with openness.

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Can you talk to the adoptive couple who is "freaking out" and find out what their concerns are and share your story/perspective?

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I, like all of you, get tired of trying to explain and justify open adoption to people who are just plain ignorant. For the couple at your church, maybe share your own adoption story along with suggesting that the couple reading some books on open adoption. "The Open Adoption Experience" by Melina is a good one to start with. I think that people in general are afraid of the unknow. Open adoption can be frightening especially if they see the birthparents as a threat. However, even with its ups and downs, open adoption is the BEST option. By embracing our childs first family, we are accepting all aspects of our child including their "roots"/biological origins.

Just my thoughts,

Tamra

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Tina,

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. This must be frustrating to have to deal with in church every week. I can not understand a church not getting the openness of open adoption. They need some education. It must be frustrating to feel like you have to do this but on some level it will eventually affect your child if you do not.

Is the family not secure in the legality of their adoption, afraid of anything besides them taking their child away? I do not understand people who do not get that- more people to love you could be a bad thing? It is kind of like step families or blended families there are just more people to love.

Take Care.

Laural

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I've been thinking about the people who are 'concerned' about or don't understand our open adoption relationships. I think their fear comes from a stereotype of who or what kind of people they assume birthparents are. If they knew our child's birthparents or had ever met a birthparent (they may already know someone who has placed and not even know it!) or for that matter, if they ever met their OWN CHILD'S birthparents.....they may not have the same fears. Maybe they would realize that people who choose adoption for their kids are loving and responsible. And respectful of the relationship their child has with their adoptive parents and value the relationship they have with their birth children.

I know Don's family (not all but some) thought we were crazy when Clara's birth father came to our house and stayed the weekend and every time we visited them in Texas. They always asked weren't we afraid they would want her back. Um...no. They are happy with their 'choice' of us as her parents (maybe if we hid her from them or didn't let them see how awesome and happy she is it would be different). Plus, our adoption was legal and handled by professionals by the book so we had no fear legally either. Once they met 'E', most of those fears subsided because they could see he was happy Clara was with us...heck, he told them so! He told them how great we are as parents and how grateful he is that we have an open relationship.

I think if I were in a closed adoption situation and 'unaware', I might be afraid too. Seems like secrets and hiding only bring about strife. What is true, is that all those secrets and trying to keep their beginnings away from the kids is likely going to backfire in a big way down the road. :(

I was thinking about trying to understand where these adoptive parents fears might be coming from........maybe understanding the origin of fear can help us help others to overcome it?

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Hi Tina -- I have thinking about your post all day. I wish I had some words of advice about your fellow church members...but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

I am constantly amazed at how many people in our life (and in some cases the closest of friends) just do not get how special open adoption is. Something that means so much to us, is feared by some of our closest friends. I have to believe that the more we tell our personal story, the more that the people around us with start to see the beauty in this experience. I share the passion and excitement of our newly established relationship with our birthmother, and I am taken aback when they are not jumping for joy with us... When we wrote this year's holiday card with our annual news, the largest paragraph was the one about our meeting with Lisa, Tasia's birthmother, at Camp Abrazo. This truly was the highlight of our year. I secretly hoped that our friends would read the emotion in our words, and begin to understand. I can only believe that if we continue to talk about this special relationship that someday everyone in our life will begin to also see the beauty in this relationship. By walking in the openness, maybe in some way we are planting seeds for openness, trust and the release of the fear to happen in others.

Take good care, and good luck with your colleagues at church.

Susan

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I run into the same issues over and over again. I get exhausted too and try to avoid the adoption converstion with new people. I don't mind telling others Lucas's story but when the negative comments and questions start I get frustrated. I think for those who have chosen closed adoption they may feel defensive when we speak about keeping our birthfamilies close and how we learned that it is best for our children. We all want to do what is best for our kiddos but it is hard to explain to a person who has chosen a different route to growing their families how we feel it is best for our family and children without upsetting them. I have that difficulty with a close friend who was adopted through closed adoption trying to explain our situation without her gettting defensive so I just avoid the topic all together.

At the end of the day knowing what we have done to grow our family by including our child's birthfamily is the best for him and all concerned is the best feeling. Not only for Lucas but for his birthmother, birthsister and birthgrandmother and for us. And I know that I can only educate so many people and best of all educate Lucas to be proud of his family- birth and adoptive. Hopefully that will be enough to protect him from other's ignorance.

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By walking in the openness, maybe in some way we are planting seeds for openness, trust and the release of fear to happen in others.

Susan

I really believe this to be true, knowing sometimes (our) actions speak louder than words.

So excited about your good news, reconnecting with Tasia's Birthfather.

Karen

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Can you talk to the adoptive couple who is "freaking out" and find out what their concerns are and share your story/perspective?

The other couple is pretty defensive. As others have mentioned, they don't understand and therefore they just repulse. When we found out they adopted too (like 3 weeks after we did), I made the effort to get to know them and share our excitement. I was basically ignored and shunned. I think they just want to "fit in" and be like everyone else?

The other difficulty we have is, our personal relationship with Makenzie's BP's is currently non-existent. I don't have any great stories I can share. Makenzie's birthmom and I corresponded for about five months this year (and I TREASURE those letters), but we haven't had direct contact since placement. M doesn't live close either, so I get the "you don't know what it's REALLY like" a lot. <_<

The couple finalized their adoption just before we did, so I know there is no legal pending problems (they announced their finalization with such flourish, it made me sad). I think they are just scared and afraid of being "different".

We'll see how it goes Sunday. I'm not bringing it up unless they do!

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So it finally happened. We get to church this morning and Jay has to run the slides for the worship service. During the service, there were some errors that needed to be fixed before second service. Jay had to work on it during class, which meant I had to go to class alone. I talked myself through it all the way into the next building. My plan was to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Simple. The other AP's probably wouldn't be there anyway. Even if they were, they probably wouldn't bring it up again.

I came into our classroom when it was empty. I sat in the corner near some friends and started talking. As the room filled, I noticed the other AP's weren't present (SIGH of relief). Just before they shut the door, the other AP walked in and sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME (There were plenty of other chairs).

Prayer requests? She says "As many of you know J's birthmother is seeking more contact. We spoke with the agency and they said we should meet one more time for the BP to say goodbye. We agreed to let them give J her Christmas presents and meet once. The agency told the BP's that they should GET OVER IT and MOVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES. The agency also told the BP's that they would NEVER SEE J AGAIN. We are all doing what is best for J and they need to move on.

Our parents are mortified that we had any contact with them at all. We upset both sides of the family by talking to those people at all (brave souls that they are :angry: ). We are all afraid that they will come back and kidnap her. It's terrible that we live in the same town. There is always the risk of running into them somewhere. We made it VERY clear, that if we ever see them again, they are to turn away."

Now, during this whole exchange (which I have shortened) I am sinking lower and lower in my chair. By the end, my tongue is literally between my teeth and my chin is almost to my chest and I am hoping VERY MUCH that no one notices me. I am so livid I can literally feel my blood pressure rising. Jay is not there to squeeze my arm and keep me quiet or at least reign me in if I go off.

Then the teacher of class turns to me and says "Bet you sure are glad Texas is so far away!" HAHAHA!! (class giggle).

That was it. I thought I was going to explode. I sat straight up in my chair and looked around the room and said "Actually, I wish we had MORE contact with our daughter's BP. We exchange letters and pictures. We even flew to Texas to visit her last October. All the research I have read says it is best for the children to KNOW where they came from. Makenzie needs to know why she likes brussell sprouts and we don't. She should see who she looks like most. I don't ever want her to wonder what her first family was like.

Our agency is actually really great about keeping all the families involved in an adoption connected. They even have a special camp in the summer for the families to attend so that the kids can play with other adopted kids and talk about what it is like to be adopted. According to those kids, the ones that have contact with their BP's are much happier than those that don't." I stop talking thinking to myself SHUT UP TINA! Jay would be crawling under the chair if he were here.

The teacher leans into me again and says "Isn't it hard on the mother to see Makenzie? Don't you worry she will come and steal her away?"

I am really wishing they would let this drop. "No, I don't worry she will steal her away. Makenzie's BIRTHMOTHER (I am her MOM) has a right to see her child. Yes, it is painful, but at least this way she can see pictures and hear her voice. She called us this fall and I let her talk to Makenzie. Now, Makenzie isn't saying much yet, but she at least told her BP Hello and blew her kisses.

Her BP is NOT a co-parent. She doesn't tell us how to raise Makenzie or what to do. She is like an aunt that loves Makenzie very much. As far as I can tell, in this mean old world, the more people that love you the better off you are. I hope Makenzie's BP does come for a visit. I want them to love on her. It's good for her."

I actually talked more than that, but that is all I can remember. My face was a flame when I finished. I felt like a trial lawer through the whole exchange. I was so angry there is no telling what all I said.

They ended up praying for both of us :rolleyes: . For the other couple's BP to get over it, and for us to maintain "healthy boundaries". Whatever that means. <_<

At the end of class, some friends came over to tell me they love me because I am so honest and forthright. "You just tell it like it is" (Since Jay wasn't around and I was already in trouble, I also chimed in on two more controversial topics today, opposing the class of course). :unsure::ph34r:

Oh well, if we have to find a new church we have to find a new church. ;)

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Tina, as I see it.....it will take Mackenzie and all of our other Abrazo tots who are benefiting from openness to grow into adult hood and be able to say "See, look at me! I was once adopted...and I had a wonderful relationship with my first family...and I'm OKAY! See, I wasn't scarred for life, and I wasn't kidnapped, and nothing bad happened to me....and I wasn't confused about who my mom and dad were! And there is absolutely no need to live in fear!"

(Sounds like you could use Grace Ann and Kayleigh's mommies there beside you....I know it would feel like a hurricane swept through that Sunday School class after they got done disspelling so many myths about open adoption!!!)

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Tina,

I know that was a uncomfortable conversation to sit through but I think you did a wonderful job expressing how you and many of us on the forum feels. It may have not gotten through to everyone but at least you gave them something to think about.

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Tina,

Sounds like it was a divine opportunity. I'm glad you said what you said...I think others need to hear it..and keep hearing it. Hopefully you can stay in your church and continue to educate others on the benefits of open adoption. I know it's probably not the role you would seek, especially when we go to church to find understanding and acceptance.

I have to add that we have had several issues with Lydia's birthmom (not legal) but I can never imagine wishing she would just go away and never see Lydia again. It's been very stressful, but we continue to work to build a relationship with her because it's the right thing to do. If this were our first adoption and we didn't already know the potential for a great relationship (like we have with Nichole although they are very different people), I might not try so hard. Also, if I didn't have the education of Abrazo and this forum, I might not know any better.

Lydia's birthmom lived over an hour away when we met, matched, and when Lydia was born. Within a month, she had moved less than 10 minutes away!! (I have to qualify this by saying I have often fantasized about Nichole living closer, next-door even, but then again, they are very different.) Lydia and I did run into her at Wal-mart once. I had been a little concerned with what she might do/say if that were ever to happen, but it went very well. I was glad to see her, and we've had another planned visit since then. We talk on the phone regularly. I would be glad to talk with this couple if you think it would help.

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Way to go Tina!!!

Everytime you speak out about open adoption it might change someone's thoughts about adoption.They say that it takes 21 times to do or say something before it sinks into some people's heads, Tina today was the first only 20 more times.

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Tina,too bad your birthmother can't come for a vist and go to church with you one day!!! That would be a real wake up for many people there,to be able to see how open adoption is good and best for "all" involved.

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Bless you Tina for your courage. You handled this so well (and so much better than I would have!) I believe that every time we have the opportunity to help educate others about open adoption we are helping our children.

Now for the soapbox!

Have these people never known any adult adoptees that long to know of their birthfamily? Do they not know any birthmothers or fathers? (They're kidding themselves if they say not!) Would they want their daughter to be told to get over it?

I know this is your chosen church but it makes me angry and sad to the core that they would be so closed minded.

Maybe your church should have me and Layna's birthmother as guest speakers, we could teach them a thing or two about unselfishness and the love in open adoption. ;) (Or we may scare them to death with our "healthy boundries"! :blink: )

Jada we were posting at the same time! My thoughts exactly!

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Tina,too bad your birthmother can't come for a vist and go to church with you one day!!! That would be a real wake up for many people there,to be able to see how open adoption is good and best for "all" involved.

Great idea! When Nichole visited us two years ago, she went to church with us! I think it made quite an impression on several people!

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STANDING OVATION FOR TINA!!!! I am so very thankful you didn't keep quiet! On behalf of every adoptee who ever longed to seek out their birthparents but felt they couldn't for fear of hurting their adoptive parents... on behalf of every adoptive parent who longs for more contact with their child's birthparents... on behalf of every birthparent who's been shut out by close-minded people, the very "perfect family" with whom they lovingly entrusted their child... thank you!!! If just one person in that Sunday School room walks away thinking about open adoption differently, or if thinks twice before assuming everyone else endorses fear and paranoia where adoption is concerned, you will have made a huge difference in your own child's future society!!

(And shame on any adoption agency that would be so cruel and inhumane as to tell any parent who's placed a child to "just get over it and move on." That's downright unethical, in my book.)

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