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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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When I think about open adoption and why it is so important, I think about Riley on the phone with her birthmom. I think about the letters and phone conversations in which her birthmom has talked about how Riley is her beloved, and how much she is thought of EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every child should be able to rest in that knowledge. I know that we think of this as a gift, but lately I have been thinking of how this is a RIGHT. I think that it is a basic human right to know not only your history and where you came from, but to have access to the family who brought you into this world, when this option is available. It makes me so sad that this option is available for so many children, if we as parents were not so adamant about protecting our own rights, and so anxious to face our own fears.

If I am honest, I still have irrational fears that crop up now and then. That voice in the back of my head that says my child is such a blessing, who would not want to have her back in their life fulltime. And being very honest with myself I know that our birthfamily would love to have her back in their midst. I know that she is missed everyday and that there are days that there is regret about the road that was taken. I feel conflicted about this knowledge. On the one hand, it makes me so sad about the suffering that it entails for our birthfamily, but on the other hand I want my daughter to know how deeply she is missed and loved. I still have to fight through those moments of fear, but hearing my daughter tell "M" that she loves her on the phone, and hearing "M" say it back, makes my own struggles worth it. The other day I received a message from "M" telling me what a blessing that we are to her, and that she is so happy with the way in which our daughter is being taken care of. Her approval means that world to me, what more could a mother want than this type of connection with her daughter's other mother.

I love the scene near the end of "Stepmom", where Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts are talking about their own fears. Julia is afraid that she will never be seen as having been enough. Susan is afraid that she will be forgotten. They decide however that the children will have room in their hearts for both. Sometimes we don't give our children enough credit.

Thanks for listening (reading).

Bobbi

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Adam,

What a gift you are (indirectly) giving to your mother-in-law by showing her (by your actions more than your words) that you and Beth totally embrace everything about your child, including his beginnings... and that his birthparents are not to be feared, not now and not ever. :)

I am betting she is closely observing and most probably is (or will be) admiring your openness!

In time, she will SEE for herself, through her eyes (not her ears).

Karen

Our birthmother called while we had a lot of family over on Saturday. Beth and I went upstairs for a bit to talk with her. When we came down, there was a look of concern :huh::ph34r: on some of their faces as if something was wrong. They were scared :ph34r: something had happened that would jeapordize our placement :rolleyes:

We calmly explained, NO, as we have said, this is an OPEN adoption relationship and we will be talking with "C" regularly. This is regularly! :rolleyes: It had been a week or so since our last call.

I know they are just trying to protect us, but I think it's going to take a while for them to get used to this idea that "C" will be in our lives as extended family FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They seemed to be more at ease when we said "No, all is well. She was just calling to chat, letting us know that she received and loved the pictures of Nathan, and just to say "HI!"." :lol:

I love my family (well, this was actually Beth's side this time, but mine would probably act the same way) but they can WEAR YOU OUT! :rolleyes:

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Would it help if, at some point, you invited your family members (just one or two?) to get on the phone with Nathan's birthmom themselves, to tell her how loved he is to to hear for themselves how sweet she is? Just a thought...

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I love my family (well, this was actually Beth's side this time, but mine would probably act the same way) but they can WEAR YOU OUT! :rolleyes:

Family tends to do that!

Good for you for not getting defensive, explaining the phone call as a normal part of your (and Nathan's) life.

It takes time... everything is still so new. Meeting "C" and/or talking with her (when the time is right) may ease some fears.

Karen

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Would it help if, at some point, you invited your family members (just one or two?) to get on the phone with Nathan's birthmom themselves, to tell her how loved he is to to hear for themselves how sweet she is? Just a thought...

Good idea, Elizabeth. I remember when our birthmom reached either Nina's or my mother (for some reason right now, I forget which, although I think it was my mom). It was totally unplanned and by accident. We just happened not to be home when she called. Even though the conversation was short, I think it went a long way to lifting the veil of mystery. She became very human at that point and not an abstract. I think that's important.

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Would it help if, at some point, you invited your family members (just one or two?) to get on the phone with Nathan's birthmom themselves, to tell her how loved he is to to hear for themselves how sweet she is? Just a thought...

Good idea. We'll feel that one out. May take a bit, but we'd love to see that. They DO love her and think highly of her, their fear just comes from our years of struggles to have a family.

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I know they are just trying to protect us, but I think it's going to take a while for them to get used to this idea that "C" will be in our lives as extended family FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's early for Brian and me, but I've been reminding our family (mostly mine) that our child's BP will forever be a part of our family. I think part of it has to do with their age and thefact that they grew up in closed adoptions and aren't that familiar with open adoptions (yet).

Cathy

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Our family always had this concerned look on their faces too after we had spoken to them about talking w/ Samantha and Nicholas' birthmom and even planning vacations to spend with her. Then when we told them we invited her to come to our home, it was obvious how nervous they all were about it.......but after meeting her, it all changed. They all have said to Maury and myself how much they really like her and it did take the "mystery" out of the situation.

I think it was good for her to to actually see for herself how Samantha and Nicholas fit perfectly in our family.

Now when we speak of her, they often ask how she is doing and genuinely care for her also.

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I am not sure how my son's extended family felt about the openness that his AP's chose to begin with. However, I do know that they LOVE him and seem to be nice friendly people. I have had the joy of speaking with the "MawMaw" and she is always very gracious, and caring. I just love all of them, even if we have not had the pleasure of speaking. After all they DO have impact on my son, and how he will view our relationship as he grows.

Lisa

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For anyone out there who needs empirical evidence that secrecy truly is detrimental to children and their families, read this, posted in today's issue of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute e-newsletter:

RESEARCH LINKS DONOR CONCEPTION SECRECY TO POORER FAMILY FUNCTION

The first study to empirically examine the relationship between disclosure of donor insemination (DI) and family functioning with young adult offspring supports findings of previous studies that secrecy compromises family functioning. Respondents conceived through DI who perceived parents as higher on topic avoidance also rated their family functioning more poorly. Topic Avoidance and Family Functioning in Families Conceived with Donor Insemination, by Marilyn Paul and Roni Berger, was published in this month's issue of Human Reproduction (Volume 22, Issue 9). Most respondents reported learning of their DI conception at age 16 or older from their mothers. To access a free abstract, go to: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/conte...tract/22/9/2566.

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Beth and Adam -

Inviting your extended family to speak with "C" is a great idea.

There will always be family members that don't want you to feel the pain and build the connection with your extended family, but through time they will eventually understand just how important this extended family is to you.

We actually had our family send us little keepsakes to show how much we appreciated Tyler's other mom that we gave as part of our BP gift. And, now when my dad is in town for business I always make him stop by for a quick dinner with her and big sister.

When talking about our open relationship, I have learned in the past two years that people still have it in their mind that someday "What if she wants to take him away" and lots of different crazy thoughts like that. I can't change their opinions but I can try to educate and tell him that without her picking us and us picking her we would not have this perfect child. And because us together have created such a perfect child, she will always be a sister to me.

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Want an expert opinion on why openness matters and how it works, in truth?

from ADAM PERTMAN, author of "Adoption Nation", as originally published in Slate:

Roughly 87 percent to 95 percent of biological mothers, depending on which study you believe, want to know about or have some level of communication with the children they carried inside them. These women, typically, are not looking to give up their own privacy any more than they are seeking to become these adults' new mommies. But they do want to know what came of the lives they created, just as most adoptees want to know, to varying extents, about their roots (but are not looking for new mothers or fathers).

Creating laws and regulations that routinely separate these adults is certainly not about the right to privacy, since both parties want the contact. It is a function of an ethos of secrecy that our society has too frequently imposed because it has misunderstood the needs and desires of those involved. This is a pretty big lesson for all of us, in my view, about the toxic effects of secrecy and the value of learning the realities of a situation before acting on it—systemically or individually.

We keep secrets about things we're ashamed of or embarrassed about, and I never want my kids to think the way we became a family is shameful or embarrassing. And so I believe the opening up of adoption is an almost entirely positive phenomenon. Yes, it's more complicated to deal with issues of race and culture when one's children don't look like one and aren't related by blood. But these difficulties can certainly be addressed in honest ways that make people feel good about themselves and enhance their prospects for success. Besides, these are by no means questions that adoptive families face alone; we are becoming more diverse within families and as a culture, so adoption is a terrific prism through which we can view a broader social change.

I don't think kids get confused in open adoptions; they know who mommy and daddy are[/b] and are just as capable of drawing distinctions as are children in families divided by divorce, in which there are stepparents, half siblings, and an array of living arrangements. It's usually the adults who are insecure and muddled. Similarly, I know of almost no cases where disagreement arises between birth and adoptive parents about what's best for a child—because the adoptive parents ARE the parents and the child knows it; the birth mother lends support and knowledge—but this is almost never seen as co-parenting. Unfortunately, the unfounded fear that open adoption is co-parenting prevents many prospective adopters from proceeding, and leads some to renege on arrangements for openness before the fact.

The bottom line for me, in raising my children Zack and Emmy, and in conducting educational efforts, is that dealing with the truth and treating people respectfully are invariably the best routes even when they are the more challenging or circuitous ones. Search or don't search; have a relationship between adoptive and birth parents or not; adopt a child or go in for another fertility treatment—all those choices should be up to the affected individuals and families. But they should base their decisions on good information, not on preconceived notions or ill-advised laws and policies. The movement toward openness in adoption is a journey toward greater honesty.

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But don't take our word for it! Here's more about the empirical findings from scientists who have researched the benefits of open adoption, as summarized by Dr. David Brodzinsky of Rutgers University (highlighted passages have been emphasized by us):

"...the data suggests that adoptive parents who choose an open placement generally are quite satisfied with the arrangement and have positive and empathic relationships with their child’s birth relatives (Belbas, 1987; Gross, 1993; Grotevant & McRoy, 1998; Silverstein & Demick, 1994). In addition, they experience a greater sense of entitlement to their child (McRoy & Grotevant, 1988; Siegel 1993), worry less about birth parents reclaiming their youngster (Belbas, 1987) and feel more secure about the attachment to their child compared to parents in more confidential placement arrangements (Silverstein & Demick, 1994).

Research also suggests that adoptive parents in structurally open adoptions communicate more with their child about adoption and are more empathic regarding their child’s feelings and curiosity about his or her origins (Grotevant & McRoy, 1998). On the other hand, Siegel (1993) points out that adoptive parents in open placements tend to worry about the impact of contact with birth family on their children.

Structurally open adoptions also appear to be quite satisfying to most birth parents and to benefit them by increasing their sense of control, reducing unresolved grief issues, and diminishing depression and other post-placement adjustment difficulties (A. Brodzinsky, 1992; Grotevant & McRoy, 1998; Henney, Ayers-Lopez, McRoy & Grotevant, 2004). Even when the adoption involves a non-voluntary placement, there is reason to believe that birth relatives may find contact with the adoptive family to be helpful, comforting, and supportive of healthier emotional adjustment (Young & Neil, 2004).

In contrast to the predictions of negative outcomes for children associated with open adoptions as opposed to confidential placements (Kraft et al., 1985), researchers have found either few adjustment differences between the two groups of children (Berry, Cavazo, Dylla, Barth & Needell, 1998; Grotevant & McRoy, 1998; Kohler, Grotevant & McRoy, 2002). For example, compared to children with little or no contact with birth family, those living in open placements have a better understanding of adoption (Wrobel, Ayers-Lopez, Grotevant & Friedrick, 1996), display more curiosity about their origins and ask more adoption-related questions (Wrobel, Kohler, Grotevant & McRoy, 1998), and are more likely to be actively involved in a search for birth family members (Wrobel, Grotevant & McRoy, 2004). In addition, one study of adopted children coming out of the foster care system indicated that children who had more contact with birth family were rated by parents as having fewer behavioral problems (Berry, 1991). Although the latter finding is encouraging, Neil and Howe (2004) point out that contact between adopted children and their birth family can be detrimental to these youngsters when they have experienced trauma at the hands of birth family members (see also Beek & Shofield, 2004; Selwyn, 2004; and Thoburn, 2004 for differing findings regarding contact between later-placed adopted children, foster children, and their biological families).

The concept of adoption communication openness derives from the work of Kirk (1964) who was the first researcher to emphasize the importance of open communication within the adoptive family system. Specifically, he suggested that adoptive parents who are better able to acknowledge the inherent differences associated with adoptive family life would be more likely to facilitate healthier adjustment in their children, and the family as a whole, than parents who tended to deny or reject these differences. The construct of communication openness has been supported by other recent theoretical trends in the adoption field, most notably adoptive family life cycle theory (Brodzinsky, 1987; Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002; Hajal & Rosenberg, 1991) and the multisystemic, developmentally based work of Brodzinsky (2005) and Grotevant, McRoy, Wrobel and their colleagues (Grotevant, Perry & McRoy, 2005; Wrobel et al., 1998, 2003).

Communication openness is assumed to occur on three separate levels (Brodzinsky, 2005). The first level is intrapersonal, reflecting the individual’s self-exploration of their thoughts and feelings about adoption. For the adopted child, this process is assumed to emerge after they have been informed about their adoption status and begin to understand its implications; for the adoptive parent, the process begins when they first consider adoption as an option for achieving parenthood; and for the birth parents, the process is assumed to begin when they are confronted with an unexpected and unwanted pregnancy and first consider adoption as a solution for their dilemma. As Brodzinsky, Schechter and Henig (1992) suggest, the exploration of the personal meaning of adoption for each of these groups of individuals is likely to be a lifelong process.

The second level of adoption communication is intrafamilial, reflecting the exploration of adoption issues among adoptive family members, as well as among birth family members. The importance of maintaining an open, active, and emotionally attuned dialogue between adoptive parents and their children has been a reoccurring theme in the writings of many adoption experts (Brodzinsky, 2005; Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002; Kirk, 1964; Nickman, 1985; Wrobel et al., 2003).

The third level of adoption communication openness is interfamilial, reflecting the exploration of adoption issues between adoptive and birth family members. Grotevant, Ross, Marchel, & McRoy (1999), in particular, have pointed out the importance of collaborative involvement between these two family systems as a basis for the emotional well-being of the adopted child. Finally, adoptive communication theory emphasizes not only the mutual sharing of adoption information within the adoption kinship system, but also the expression and support of adoption related emotions. For example, the ability of children to 7 express their feelings about being adopted, and the empathic sensitivity of parents to those feelings, is viewed as a critical process in healthy adoption adaptation (Kirk, 1964; Brodzinsky, 2005; Brodzinsky & Pinderhughes, 2002). For a more in-depth analysis of adoption communication theory, the reader should consult Brodzinsky (2005) and Wrobel et al., (2003).

Although relatively little research has been conducted on the impact of communication openness in adoption on adoption triad members, the data gathered, to date, generally support the notion that adopted individuals who experience more open, direct, and non-defensive communication about adoption with their parents show more positive adjustment, not just in the childhood years, but even into adulthood. For example, Stein and Hoopes (1985) found that adoptive families with a more open communication style had adolescents who manifested fewer identity problems.

Furthermore, Kohler, Grotevant and McRoy (2002) found that adolescent adoptees who perceived greater communication openness in the family reported more trust of their parents, less alienation from them, and better overall family functioning. On the other hand, communication openness was not related to the extent to which the teenagers had contact ith birth family or the degree to which these youngsters were preoccupied with adoption issues. Still other research has found that adult adoptees who grew up in families in which there was greater openness in adoption communication reported being more satisfied with their adoption experience (Howe & Feast, 2000). Furthermore, open adoption communication has been related to adult adoptees feeling closer to their adoptive parents (Sobol, Delaney & Earn, 1994).

Color us thrilled! and very proud of all the Abrazo families we know, whose ongoing commitment to openness should be validated by this research. ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's official: OPEN adoption has gone mainstream!!! as reported in this New York Times' article that explores why so many folks who originally adopted overseas in order to avoid openness are now going to amazing lengths to locate the missing birthparents of the children they've adopted: Open! Open! Read All About It!

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  • 3 weeks later...

From the New York Times' RELATIVE CHOICES series comes this thought-provoking essay by Sumeia Williams, adopted as an infant, on her parents' life-altering failure to entrust her with the truth of her own beginnings (text appears below in case the link goes bad):

Reclaiming Ownership of My History

By Sumeia Williams (born Le Thi Buu Tran)

My dad had been serving his tour of duty in Vietnam when he’d decided to adopt. He and my mother had already had two boys and wanted a girl. In 1970, toward the last six months of his tour, he’d come across me in an orphanage and taken me home.

At least, that’s what I’d been told as a child.

In the early days of my childhood, I believed myself to be a true orphan with no living genetic parents. The thought that I’d had another mother and father before my adoption didn’t even occur to me until second or third grade. With the exception of my dad, no one spoke of my adoption at length. Perhaps it was my family’s way of telling me that it didn’t matter. They loved me regardless of my unfortunate circumstances.

Further still, my past was too closely linked to a war that had cost thousands of American and Vietnamese lives. For my dad, this was yet another reason not to talk too much about our shared past in Vietnam. War created the circumstances of my adoption, chaos an excuse for hiding the truth and time covered the trail. It boiled down to, “Life happens. Here’s a shovel. Now dig.” It still baffles me that some adoptees must exert so much effort just for the hope of gaining access to a history that rightfully belongs to them. The obvious question is, “Why?”

Perhaps the fact that I wore the face of “the other side” doubled the importance of locking away certain memories forever. Maybe he feared conflicting feelings that might arise in my own growing consciousness as I learned about the conflict between my birth country and my adopted one.

“Many of us from that era still have memories we choose not to speak of or think about,” he once wrote in a letter to me, “It is just a self-protective mechanism of our human nature to preserve our dignity and perhaps our very own sanity.”

Unfortunately, in his attempts to bury parts of his past, he also secreted away vital keys to mine — and with it my personal history and identity. Not content to leave the story open ended, he invented a scenario that might offer us both some closure.

My parents had divorced shortly after my adoption. My mother had been my primary caregiver for most of my childhood. During the early part of my adolescence, I went to live with my dad. Shortly after my arrival, he decided it was time to tell me “the truth” of my adoption.

I was 14 when he called me into the room: “Honey, come here. I have something to tell you.”

He then began to tell the story of how he’d fallen in love with my Vietnamese mother while he was serving in Vietnam. How I’d been the result of that love and how he’d brought me back under the guise of adoption. My dad was married to my adoptive mother at the time, so the need for the ruse was obvious, wasn’t it? As for my mother, he told me, she’d been killed by a group of Viet Cong after which he’d taken me to Hoi Duc Anh orphanage in order to begin the adoption process.

My feelings at that sudden disclosure almost 14 years ago escape me — but I do know it wasn’t like what you see in the movies. There were no tearful, joyous declarations of, “Daddy!” No feelings of resolution. No closure.

I can’t remember how I felt — only my reaction endures in my memory. I smiled, tried to comfort him with a hug and left the room. We didn’t really speak of it again aside from his occasional remarks of how I walked or looked like my mother. How could I convey my feelings of betrayal at having been lied to? I didn’t have the tools to process how learning I was Amerasian threw my identity into chaos. Deeper still, how could I explain that with his sudden confession, he’d just killed all hopes of ever finding my mother? As an orphan, there had remained a small glint of hope. Now that was gone.

In silence, I spent the next several years trying to come to terms with what he’d told me. My mechanism of choice was denial. I went on with my life trying to not to think of it too much. It worked better on some days than others but his words and their affects on me were always there. They manifested themselves in every aspect of my life, directed my choices in ways I’m still trying to understand.

I finished high school, got married and had children of my own just like everyone else, but I could never rid myself of the sense that my insides had been ripped from beneath my skin. And then there were the unanswered questions. What was my mother’s name? Why did he have no photos of her? What about other family members still in Vietnam?

By the time I reached my mid-thirties, I couldn’t stand it. I had to know. After over a decade of silence, I began to ask those questions out loud. And once again, my dad’s response threw me into chaos.

The words of Bryan Thao Worra, a Laotian adoptee and poet, reverberate through my mind as I make yet another necessary edit to my story: “For transcultural adoptees, our lives are written in pencil. Everything you think you know about yourself can change in an instant.”

And for me it did. It seems that I am not my dad’s genetic daughter after all. He didn’t say it directly, but it was obvious: “You were already in the orphanage when I got there.” Even this small detail took months of prodding and questioning. Once it was out, he offered up a tangible clue to my past. It was a 37-year-old address in Saigon that he said belonged to my foster mother, Ta Kim Cuc.

So here is my dad’s most recent version of my beginnings. I have no way of knowing if it is true: Cuc somehow learned of my dad’s wishes and took him straight to my crib in the orphanage. After that, I was taken to her house where I stayed for the next six months. She accompanied us to the airport before we left Vietnam and gave my father her address. “Give this to Le Thi,” she instructed, “so that I can find out what became of her.”

Does or did this woman really exist? If so, how long did she wait hoping for the letter that never came? Is it possible that she’s waiting, still holding perhaps the only clue to the identity of my mother? Why did my dad never write to her? Why did he wait until I’d nearly driven myself crazy with the longing to know my history before he’d given me her address?

“I was waiting until you understood more about life. I had my reasons,” was the only explanation he offered.

All I heard was, “I am not accountable.”

I couldn’t disagree more. Adoption isn’t just about destiny, circumstance and self-congratulation for “saving” a child. It’s also about the consequences of conscious decisions made for adoptees supposedly “in our best interest.” Regardless of whether it’s for better or worse, adoption is the power to change a life and as the saying goes, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” My history had been hidden and altered, affecting my life in ways I’m only beginning to understand. Furthermore, my father’s actions may have possibly prevented me from ever finding out the truth.

What I think my dad failed to realize is that regardless of his own feelings, the truth of my adoption was rightfully mine to know. He was simply holding it in trust and was responsible for giving me unfiltered access to it.

Unlike in decades past, the act of hiding an adoptee’s heritage is not beyond question or criticism. We should be past the days when adoptees are forced to shoulder the burden of maintaining the illusion that none of it matters. In my own situation, though, the instinct to comfort and reassure is too ingrained. Despite my feeling of outrage and betrayal, I cannot break my conditioning.

“It’s alright, Dad,” I said. I was glad we were talking over the phone, that he couldn’t see the look on my face. “I understand.”

I didn’t understand. But what good would it have done to say so? I’m 37 years old with four kids of my own. How much more was I suppose to understand “about life” before he deemed me ready to hear the truth? The fact is he withheld and even altered vital pieces of my puzzle years after my initial inquiries. Knowing that forces me to question the nature of his other “reasons.”

Without further explanation, I am again left to speculate but to what end? My dad and I both know it wouldn’t do anything good for me to push the matter. Even if I tried to hold him accountable for withholding information that was rightfully mine, we both know he would throw up the old reliable defense. “Everything I did was in your best interest.” How do you argue with that?

It’s not that I doubt my dad’s sincerity. I have little doubt that he believed his decisions were based in large part on what he thought was best for me. Unfortunately, we disagree. Sympathy or even empathy does not equal acceptance or approval. In fact, over the years, I have become highly critical of his actions. By way of omission, deception and half-truth, he altered my personal history and my identity. His actions not only affected me, but all those around me, including my children and even the life of an obscure, almost forgotten woman by the name of Ta Kim Cuc — that is, if she exists. If I bring thoughts of my Vietnamese mother into the picture, the pain and anger become unbearable.

My dad would probably argue that he simply told my story as a continuation of his. True, my story is part of his own, but in telling it through his own perceptions and not including mine, he took away my ownership and for that I need to hold him accountable.

* * *

I have tried to write a letter Cuc: "To whom it may concern…”

But how do you write a letter to a person who may no longer be alive and send it to an address that may no longer exist? To whom it may concern? My father’s choices concerned us all. My whole family has had to live with the consequences, yet I am the one left with the job of rectifying his wrongs. It is the thought foremost in my mind as I scramble to find the one woman who could unravel decades of secrecy. I can’t even begin to think of how I might react if it’s discovered she’s already passed from this life, taking it all with her.

Of course, I will always love my dad as any dutiful daughter does, but I will always feel betrayed. Any feelings of ingratitude, disloyalty and guilt about my anger takes a back seat to a sense of urgency as I run full steam backwards into the past.

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Adoption is the power to change a life and as the saying goes, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”

These words hit me from this article.....we each have to be accountable and responsible and make our actions, words, behaviors support the beauty of open adoption. Only we can make a difference in our lives, our childrens lives, the adoption community and beyond.......

Patti

InDecision 07 PIW

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  • 3 weeks later...

I went to a family reunion this Thanksgiving. A cousin and her husband adopted two school age girls from Russia.

I asked her to tell me when and how they decided to adopt.

She said she did not want to have to deal with the birthparents. :(

She also said that the girls did not have anything nice to say about their birthmother. I guess they were taken away

from her. She could not provide or did not food, underwear, and locked them in. I do not suppose we will know the whole story.

It kind of hurt my heart that my cousin would not encourage anything positive to be said about their birthmother.

I think how can she relate to living in Russia? Poverty? I do not think she can.

I did not try to tell her about our adoption and she did not ask me. Although apparently she did ask my husband how much it cost.

I do think she should try to encourage the girls to think of some postive about their birthmother. It will help them in the long run. Maybe she did the best she can under her circumstances.

Maybe this is comparing apples to oranges but I think it is good to recognize your roots.

Laural

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Oh, Laural, I'm with you. Because, speaking of apples or oranges, both grow on trees with roots, so roots should matter, too, in either case! (And should also be valued by whomever tends and nurtures that tender sapling, regardless!)

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Oh, Laural, I'm with you. Because, speaking of apples or oranges, both grow on trees with roots, so roots should matter, too, in either case! (And should also be valued by whomever tends and nurtures that tender sapling, regardless!)

Parents need to help children see birthparents in a three dimensional way-something that school age children just may be beginning to do.

Children identify with their birthparents . How can they not? Internalilzing a very negative image can't be good.

There are ways to be realistic about any limitations with trashing them.

I wonder if these children get lots of positve feedback,at some level,for expressing only negative views of the birthmom. Just my thoughts.

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Laural, your post brings to mind so many thoughts.

I think there are parents that Can Not and/or Choose Not to live in the "here and now" sharing an existence with their child's birthfamily, whether in reality, in their minds or in their hearts. And think it's perfectly fine to have their child feel the same way. These parents are limited by their own insecurities and a need to elevate themselves (which no parent should ever feel is needed) in their child's mind, which could be part of the reason it's okay to talk about birthfamily as long as it's negative. It's emotional cruelty, in my opinion. (Sorry to be so harsh.)

How sad for these children, whose reality is they got removed from their first home (and first country) and placed into another, through adoption. Where's the compassion? for the children? for the birthfamily that is without, on many levels?

Maybe you would consider writing your cousin a letter, letting her know how her negative attitude toward birthparents, is potentially poisoning the ones she loves the most, her children.

I share your concern.

Karen

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I think there are parents that Can Not and/or Choose Not to live in the "here and now" sharing an existence with their child's birthfamily, whether in reality, in their minds or in their hearts. And think it's perfectly fine to have their child feel the same way. These parents are limited by their own insecurities and a need to elevate themselves (which no parent should ever feel is needed) in their child's mind, which could be part of the reason it's okay to talk about birthfamily as long as it's negative. It's emotional cruelty, in my opinion. (Sorry to be so harsh.)

... Where's the compassion? for the children?

Karen,

Your post really touched on a sore point for me, largely because what you've said applies well beyond families in adoption.

There is an epidemic in this country of divorced parents who trash their former spouse in front of the children. I know a number of people who either do this or are the victims of it. My own brother was one of them. After his divorce, his ex-wife went out of her way to spew hatred about him to their two children. Slowly, he withdrew from their lives because of it. It was a huge mistake, but one that was born of the belief that he could do nothing right by them.

Thankfully, before he passed away, he reconciled with his children. By then, however, the damage was done. My nephew is emotionally damaged to the point where I wonder if he'll ever completely recover.

We CANNOT do this to our adopted children. And I WILL NOT do this to my child. I've seen the damage that can be done, and it sickens me. No matter what, I want my son to have respect for his birthparents, to understand the decisions his birthmother made (we have never had contact with his birthfather) and to know that we love his birthmother very much. That knowledge may not solve every ill, but I hope it provides comfort.

Sign me "lesson learned the hard way."

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I agree John, it's done in many different ways, poisening the children (and adults) in it's path. And it's wrong!

So many adoptees (even adult ones) and children of divorce are living with betrayal issues. To love one is okay but to love both is not okay or at least not in front of the other. I do believe that damage is done when we do not respect ALL the important people in our child's life, whether or not we live under the same roof.

Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Karen

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There is an epidemic in this country of divorced parents who trash their former spouse in front of the children. I know a number of people who either do this or are the victims of it.
I am proud to say that my mom and dad divorced almost 30 years ago, and that neither one of them have EVER trashed either other in front of my sister and me or to each other. Even today, they respect each other very much. Many, many times my dad has stated that he could never hate or say negative things about my mom and that a part of him still loves her because he was once married to her and had two beautiful (his words) children :) My mom also still very much cares for my dad even though she has been re-married for almost 30 years.
We CANNOT do this to our adopted children. And I WILL NOT do this to my child. I've seen the damage that can be done, and it sickens me. No matter what, I want my son to have respect for his birthparents, to understand the decisions his birthmother made (we have never had contact with his birthfather) and to know that we love his birthmother very much. That knowledge may not solve every ill, but I hope it provides comfort.
John. . .I agree with your statement. Cathy
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I thought I would include in my Christmas card to my cousin mentioned previously in this topic two things from Adoptive Families Magazine. Hopefully that would spark her interest, get her attention and maybe she would be interested in subscribing to the magazine and continue to get more ideas and information. "To some extent, your child's self esteem is tied to her concept of her birthparents, and to why they placed her for adoption." That was taken from Handling Tough Questions-When your child asks about pregnancy, birth families,and adoption.

Then in Briefly Noted describing the book Families Change "When problems hurt kids, families need to change, so kids will be safe." "A child's family might change from a birth family to a grandparent family or a foster family or adoptive family."

I will let you know if I get any response from her.

Thanks for listening.

Laural

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