DrMom

And thank goodness our homestudy agency here in Florida was great about updating our 8 year old Tennessee homestudy when we decided to adopt again!

When we got married we planned to have several children - 3 or 4 - or who knows, maybe more - and we also planned to adopt some of them. It never occurred to me that after so many years of running in fear from one single sperm (remember those health class movies?) that I would be unable to conceive! All our friends had babies - several who were teachers planned to have them over summer break - and did just that. So we did some fertility treatments. No luck. Then decided to adopt. Had the baby for 3 days when the mom changed her mind and decided to parent. Decided to be child free. Revisited all decisions when my biological clock was about to stop running (plus there had been some medical advances) and decided we really really did want children after all. So ... still no luck with biology - when it came time to consider IVF we looked at the odds of success and costs - and said "What are we doing here? What is our goal?" and that goal was to be parents and have a family -- so we called Abrazo in December, attended a February 21st parents weekend, and 2 weeks later were the proud parents of a baby girl! Adoption is not for everyone. Fertility treatments are not for everyone. There are costs and benefits to both. And sorting those out is both extremely easy, and at the same time the most difficult thing! My advice to those trying to decide is this: What is your ultimate goal? Then decide the road you want to take to get there - neither road is easy - both lead to a very rewarding end - parenthood. Different Trips to the Same Place Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait—and wait--and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!" After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat." "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy." You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Speaking of what "used to be" in caring for children and also thinking about playpens reminded me of B.F. Skinner (I had the pleasure of meeting Fred Skinner once - one of my Profs was his graduate assistant. If you took psych you no doubt remember the Skinner Box) and his "baby tender." Anyway, according to his web site, when his wife was pregnant, "she wondered whether he might design a crib that would be safer than the typical crib with its bars that could trap a leg and blankets that could suffocate a baby. He could, and did. Proud of his new invention, an enclosed and heated crib with a plexiglass window, he sent an article to the popular magazine the Lady's Home Journal. Changing Skinner's title to grab attention, the article came out as "Baby in a Box". The "baby tender", as Skinner called his crib, was used only as a bed for the new baby. Deborah had a playpen and spent as much time out of her bed as do other infants." There were rumors that being reared in a "human Skinner-Box" had caused tremendous problems for his daughter. You might want to read her rebuttal to that in an artice titled I was not a lab rat. Mostly I have just included the link so you can see a photo of her in the baby tender. Can you imagine telling your social worker that you have your child sleeping in one of these? Talk about an investigation by Child Protective Services!

As some of you know, we brought a baby home from the hospital only to have it reclaimed by the mother 3 days later. That was a painful, wrenching experience for us - and was at first interpreted by us as somthing that God had not intended to happen. And clearly He did not intend for that child to be ours, however, hindsight being what it is - He clearly intended for us to match with that birthmother - He knew we were strong enough to take the disappointment and He knew that the 3 days would be exactly the right amount of time for the birth mother and father to decide they did, in fact, love each other enough to get married - and then they went on to have 2 other children and be married for more than 20 years (we've lost track of them now). This is only to say that perhaps it will give a little comfort to those who have (or are) suffering from "plowing ahead" - that God may use your situation in ways you cannot imagine. And sometimes, amazingly sometimes, God does show us "written there in black and white" what His will is regarding specific decisions - even regarding things like job decisions or adoption matches! Sometimes the words you have read on so many previous occasions (or perhaps the words you are reading for the first time) just jump off the page and sing clearly that this is what you are meant to do, and God is showing that to you, right there in back and white, right there in the minute that you are reading.

While there are some special challenges with adopting an older child I am not sure they are any 'worse' than the challenges you get with a newborn. And boy oh boy do we ever know what those folks are missing!

Claudia - have you read Purpose driven life? In it, the author Rick Warren, argues that God created each of us for a specific purpose, and that if we don't do our portion of that plan - it doesn't get done. Your comment about "practicing being better servants" reminded me of my reading - as this is one of the major themes of the book. I know a lot of churches take the 40 days of the Lent to read this book - you read a (short) chapter a day for the 40 days - I have read almost the entire book and was planning to attempt to figure out my 'purpose' during the days of Lent. Warren says that in addition to whatever spiritual gifts you have recieved, your various skills, natural abilities, likes and dislikes, and personal experiences are designed to equip you for the work God wants you to do. I am currently on chapter 32 which begins: "He shaped you for a purpose, and he expects you to make the most of what you have been given. He doesn't want you to worry about or covet abilities you don't have. Instead he wants you to focus on talents he has given you to use." Later he goes on that you should not "try to figure out your gifts before volunteering to serve somewhere. Just start serving. You discover your gifts by getting involved ... When it doesn't work out, call it an "experiment," not a failure." In Galations 6:4 "the Bible says, Be sure to do what you should for then you will enjoy the personal satisfaction of having done your work well, and you won't need to compare yourself to anyone else." So as you see, I am also striving to be a better servant! Your sister in Christ - Cat

Asked by a relative: "You DO know what time of the month you can get pregnant, right?"

Our children do have two mothers - me, and the mother who gave birth to them and gave them a wonderful start in life - So in very many important ways I do think of Carmen and Net as our birthmothers - because they are the ones who gave birth to our family. Right now we are refering to Elizabeth's mother as Mama 'Net and I am just mama or mommie. I think there are a lot of families who might call the birthmother Mom and the forever mother Mommie or something similar. I don't think that is confusing to the child - they accept it just like they accept anyone's name and to them Mom is a different name/person from Mama or Mommie or Mother or ... It seems to me that where it gets confusing is in trying to explain it to someone else, usually someone outside the family, without going into either tons of detail or an elaborate explanation. And I honestly don't know what the answer is - if you were talking about parent who has been remarried you would just say, oh I'm his mother and Susan is his step mother (what does the step in step parent mean, anyway?). How DO we find a term that will honor the important role played by the other mothers in our lives and the lives of our children? And if WE can't agree on a term, is it any wonder the rest of the world is having difficulty?

It was interesting how God opened so many doors for this adoption - leaving us no doubt that this was his will for our family - I will post more of this story in who is this Dr Mom person? Thank you all for your prayers and support - Cat

How exciting that so many families are growing!!! What a wonderful Christmas this year!

Susan, How wonderful for you that you are starting another adoption! As you already know, it is an exciting, hectic, and absolutely wonderful time. Domestic adoption isn't quite as complicated as international adoption - you only have to have 1,000 pounds of paperwork instead of 10,000! LOL You ask what you can do while you are in the planning stages: Go ahead with your homestudy. Maybe you will be finished well ahead of time and that will be one less hassle to worry about. Since you already have an almost 3-year-old, your home is probably already baby-safe - but if it isn't go ahead and start with all the safety stuff. In Tennessee we had to have all safety gear in place before our homestudy could be complete. That included having things almost everyone has like smoke alarms and electrical outlet protectors as well as some things we didn't have yet like drawer and cabinet locks (we thought we could wait until we had the baby home to get those things - we couldn't) and some things we just didn't own - like a fire extinguisher. The child abuse registry checks and other background checks are usually the things that take the longest in a domestic adoption - at least that has been my experience. Also, fitting in with the social worker's case load can sometimes be tricky if you get an unexpected match and are trying to hurry the process along. I'm in the midst of a placement myself, so there are probably things I am forgetting to mention. Maybe some of the other members can pick up where I am leaving off. Also there are some other topics on the forum on what to do while waiting - they have some good suggestions there. Abrazo is a wonderful agency and if you choose to work with them I feel certain you will be pleased. And if you decide to go with another agency, I think you will find that this forum is still a great place to get information and support.

When hubby and I got married, we wanted 3 or 4 children. We have since come to realize that we will be a family of three not the parents of 3 (or even 2) and I, the only child of an only child, will be raising an only child. How did I come to live peacefully with this realization? Hmm, well, some days I am much more peaceful than other days. But in the same way I came to peace with my inability to produce children from my body and common items you have around the house I realize this is just more of God's plan for us. I don't understand it, but there it is, so I might as well accept it, not worry about it, and move on. Humor and faith are my coping stratagies for pretty much everything, and when they don't work I pretend there is no problem - and then the stupidity of that pretense usually makes me laugh, so then I am back to humor and faith. Kati says some of the kids in her class tell her she laughs too much - but I don't think it is possible to laugh too much -

When in sorrow.....................................call John 14 When men fail you.................................call Psalm 27 When you have sinned..............................call Psalm 51 When you worry.............................call Matthew 6:19-34 When you are in danger............................call Psalm 91 When God seems far away..........................call Psalm 139 When your faith needs stirring..................call Hebrews 11 When you are lonely and fearful...................call Psalm 23 When you grow bitter and critical.........call I Corinthians 13 When you feel down and out.....................call Romans 8:31 When you want peace and rest..............call Matthew 11:25-30 When the world seems bigger than God..............call Psalm 90 When you want Christian assurance............call Romans 8:1-30 When you leave home for labor or travel..........call Psalm 121 When your prayers grow narrow or selfish..........call Psalm 67 When you want courage for a task..................call Joshua 1 When you think of investments and returns..........call Mark 10 If you are depressed..............................call Psalm 27 If your pocketbook is empty.......................call Psalm 37 If you are losing confidence in people...call I Corinthians 13 If people seem unkind..............................call John 15 If discouraged about your work...................call Psalm 126 If self pride/greatness takes hold................call Psalm 19 If you want to be fruitful.........................call John 15 For understanding of Christianity...call II Corinthians 5:15-19 For a great invention/opportunity................call Isaiah 55 For how to get along with fellow men.............call Romans 12 For Paul's secret to happiness..........call Colossians 3:12-17 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALTERNATE NUMBERS: For dealing with fear............................call Psalm 347 For security...................................call Psalm 121:3 For assurance....................................call Mark 8:35 For reassurance........................call Psalm 145:18 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE NOTE: Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines to Heaven are open 24 hours a day!

Our infertility doctor knew another Abrazo family - when we told him we were stopping treatment and going to Russia to adopt, he asked if we specifically wanted to adopt from Russia - we said we were too old (at 39) to adopt here and that even if we could find an agency that would take us, I didn't want to wait 5 years or more for a newborn! He said he would have the other patient call us - and in the meantime it was an agency called Abrazo in San Antonio -- I called directory assistance and got the number and spoke with Holly before I ever was able to speak with the Abrazo family that lived (lives?) in Dalton, GA. Went to a Parents of Tomorrow weekend on Feb 21 - one week later we were matched with a birthmom, two weeks to the day later I was holding Kati in my arms!

Dear BreadandWater - I can't even imagine the hours of thought and anguish that must go into the decision to parent or make an adoption plan - I try to imagine, but I know that whatever images I get can only be pale shadows of what you and all the other birthmothers go through - both the birthmothers who decide to place and the birthmothers who decide to parent. I can tell you that you and I may be the only two with a circle of friends and family who are certifiable, but I am right there with you understanding that the people who you most count on for support are frequently AWOL - and then out of nowhere sometimes people step up to be there for you. It is really hard to be there for someone when they need you. Many people think only of themselves and what they think, and feel, and want - what is best for them. I think it is a human tendency to do what is easy. Heck, maybe it is a natural tendency in general - look at rivers - they take the easiest course downhill to the sea. I think it takes an act of love to look beyond yourself and put yourself in someone elses 'shoes' and give them support in the hard things. Please know that there are a lot of us who have never met you in person, may never meet you, but who are here for you - and who are honored by your openess on the Forum - you may not think of it as loving others to share yourself here - but it is an act of love - and we are all better for your having poured your heart out here. Thank you.

Kristy - I LOVE it! I had never thought about all the bumps in our road as being a way to keep us occupied until our child was "ready." Even though that is almost exactly what I told Kati over the weekend when she asked about being born "later" (what she meant was what if she had been born when her B-mom's circumstances were different) and I explained that, even though this is very hard to understand, if she had been born at any other time, she wouldn't be who she is now. IF I had been able to get pregnant ... IF our first adoption hadn't failed ... (private adoption through an attorney) IF we hadn't been too scared of adoption after that abysmal experience to even think of trying adoption again until 15 years later ... (Abrazo didn't exist until 1994) IF IVF hadn't been so expensive ... and so seemingly futile ... Then we wouldn't be the family we are meant to be today!

Man is this ever a hard question when you really sit down and think about it! I'll give you my bottom line (pun intended) first - I think it just has to be a case by case decision between the birthfamily(s) adoptive family and case worker. I can see perfectly logical reasons both to specify gender and also to not be allowed to specify gender. Most of those reasons have been so thoughtfully detailed by others on this forum. I can easily see why couples who have one child might want to specify (and be willing to wait on) a certain gender. So then I started thinking on what you would have to do to specify the gender. To absolutely know the gender of the infant before birth you would have to have either an amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling done. Neither is done solely to determine the infant's gender as both have some risk of miscarriage. Ultrasound images are unreliable predictors of gender. Researchers using ultrasound correctly predicted gender for 46-70.3% of the infants examined at 11 weeks, and for 79-100% at 13 weeks (different studies have different levels of accuracy. In general, the later in the pregnancy the more accurate the prediction). I thought that the new 3D ultrasound would be even more accurate, but in the study I found, gender was predicted accurately 85.3% of the time. That means 14 out of 100 children would be surprises! When an error is made, the most common mistake is thinking that male fetuses are female (about 50% at 11 weeks). Female fetuses are incorrectly labeled as male only about 5% of the time. If you didn't go the prenatal testing route, would you give up the pre-delivery match with a birthmother to wait until the baby was born to match? We didn't get to do that, but it seems to me that those months between matching and placement must be exciting as the families get acquainted and that it would be sad to give that up. "Children are an inheritance from the LORD. They are a reward from Him." Psalm 127:3

I think that most of the people who adopt (or place a child with adoptive parents) don't feel adoption is a second choice. This is me just thinking aloud here. Or maybe it is that for many of us, adoption IS technically a second choice -since we tried to get pregnant first - but it is in NO WAY considerd second best. Going back to the travel analogy, we all wanted to get to parenthood, and some of us got there through our own biology and some of us got there with the help of someone else's biology - but what matters is that we got there. Do y'all think the difficulty comes in when people outside adoption look at families created by adoption and say second choice, when what they are really thinking is that to them adoption seems second best? Am I nutty to think that the difference in the meanings between the terms 'second choice' and 'second best' has any effect on the way people view anything, much less something as important as adoption?

I have posted this story in a different part of the forum - but I thought it good enough to repeat here. Different Trips to the Same Place Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip. So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait—and wait--and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!" After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat." "By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat. It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy." You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.

When we got married we planned to have children - lots of children. At the time we thought we would have "some" children through biology and "some" children by adoption. So like Lisa - having children was our first choice. It didn't really matter to us how we got them - But as you all know, life throws a lot of curves sometimes. And within 2 years of being married it wasn't clear if I would live to see our 3rd anniversary, much less have any children. By our fourth anniversary things were looking up for me health-wise and while our ability to reproduce biologically was questionable we were all set to adopt a baby. We were there in the delivery room, and we were there when the birth parents got married 2 weeks later so they could raise their child together. By our 10th anniversary I would have told you, had you asked, that we were childless by choice. You would not have heard my inner grumbling at the nerve of the people who asked such personal questions. You wouldn't have heard my private ranting at God wondering why the tired-looking woman at the store had 6 children and I didn't even have one. I would have told you we were happy for the opportunity to travel, to be totally spontaneous, to focus on our careers - and after a while I could hardly hear the little voice inside me that was saying "your child is still out there, somewhere." I didn't want to hear it. It was much too painful. By our 18th anniversary my biological clock was ticking so loudly my husband couldn't hear anything else - and just to be sure we would have no regrets, no longing looks at what might have been - we decided to get on the "Modern Science Fertility Thrill Ride" - and we learned what we needed to know - that we still wanted, no LONGED for children - more than anything else in the world. By our 19th anniversary we were waiting for our passports to arrive, waiting for the date of our first home study visit, planning our trip to Russia - since there was no hope of a 40 yr old couple adopting an infant here in the USA. And one day our passports arrived in the mail - and set us on the journey of a lifetime - That morning started the same way as many others - I picked up the mail but then I drove to the infertility doctor's office to be with my dearest friend while she underwent yet another IUI (her husband had left earlier that morning for an out of town assignment, and we joked about how funny it would be to tell her child the two of us were together at the moment of conception). Since this had been my physician too, we were all talking and laughing and I mentioned the arrival of our passports and our purpose in getting them - and (God bless him) he asked if there was a special reason we wanted to go to Russia - because we didn't have to go that far - and he proceeded to tell us about Abrazo and his (several) patients who had learned it wasn't "a matter of if, but when." Two months before our 20th anniversary we were sitting in a home in Memphis - at a Parent's of Tomorrow weekend, meeting the wonderful Abrazo team who have since become our dear friends, and hearing the words, "You are officially expecting a baby!" As many of you know, we were matched within the week and took placement exactly 14 daysafter meeting Elizabeth and Holly for the first time. Some people have compared life and/or marriage to riding a rollercoaster and I agree. Some coasters are a wilder ride than others and ours has certainly had its share of loop-de-loops and breathtaking drops. I love rollercoasters. I love the unpredictability of the first-time ride, the unexpected turns, the thrill that comes from not knowing exactly what is around the next corner -- and yet, knowing that whatever it is you will be okay, because the Engineer that designed it wants you to arrive safely in one piece at the end of your ride. And it is all worth it, the long wait standing in line, the stomach churning fear you feel as the coaster starts up, the agonizing wait as you slowly climb to the top of the hill, the abrupt change in direction you didn't quite see coming. It's all worth it for that one split second at the top of the hill, when time stands still and the track drops out from under you, and takes your breath away -- and that's what happened on the 7th of March 1997; time stood still and the world dropped away. I held my daughter for the first time - and even now, eight years later, the memory leaves me smiling and breathless.

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Everyone connected with this site has succeeded beyond their wildest imaginations -

When our beautiful daughter came home with us, we lived in a 3 story home - there were a lot of cold nights wandering down the stairs to get a bottle and warm it. We recieved a bottle-warmer/cooler combination that had a compartment to keep a bottle cold (using that refreezable blue ice) and a separate side to warm the bottle. We could go in, stick the bottle in the warmer and it would be ready by the time we changed her diaper! It made those 2 am feedings much easier on all of us! The only thing I didn't like was that it would only take a "regular" bottle, not the Avent which we were using - but all we did was have an Avent ready - when the formula was warm it only took a second to pour it into the Avent bottle. We also had a diswasher basket for nipples, rings, and other small stuff. It was so great we bought a second one - and we used them through the toddler years for the sippy cup tops and valves - in fact, we STILL use it sometimes for travel cup tops, corn cob handles. DrMom

You and your husband seem to be deeply religious. So my advice to you would be that you seek God's will for you. Pray. Read your Bible. Watch the circumstances around you carefully and prayerfully. Talk with other believers - when you see all of these things come together, you will know what God desires. Remember that Abram had to wait 25 years for his son - but I guess it took that long for Abram to become Abraham & the right sort of father for what God had in mind. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to wait. We didn't have to wait as long as Abraham and Sarah, but we had been married for 20 years before our daughter was born to our wonderful birthmother and then placed in our arms... Remember that God's time is not the same as our time. You AND your husband will both have to be ready... if you seek God with all your heart, He is faithful and true to bless you with all good things. Although I don't often say it, I am always praying for all of you who post or read the forums here that you will find your forever families and for peace of mind, and for all good things. Faithfully yours, Dr Mom

We were planning a Russian adoption when we learned of Abrazo six years ago (can it really have been that long?) My only advice, besides what has already been mentioned. is that anyone who is considering adopting a slightly older child (for example a child from another country, or a toddler domestically) should be certain to speak with some adoptive parents who have experience with the specific country you are considering. And be sure to educate yourself about all the wonderful pros of adopting an "older" child. Additionally there are some challenges (remote, but possible) associated with children who have been in orphanages and you should familiarize yourself with those possibilities as well.

And take it from someone whose "psychological pregnancy" resulted in a quick delivery (Fri. Feb 21 start POT weekend - Fri March 7 (EXACTLY 2 weeks later) - hold new born daughter in arms!) -- the belief that "it'll happen before you know it" is well founded!