tksimmons02
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Posts posted by tksimmons02
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I am SOOO glad you ladies know what your doing!
This seems excessively confusing to me!
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And regardless of whether paperwork is or has been signed, no termination is final until 30 days after it's been to court and the decree has been issued by a judge.
Does that apply to the mother's rights too?
Doesn't that create a lot of extra lawsuits/court time/costs?
What does this new law do to the finalization time-frame?
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Welcome Jessica and Jeremy!!
We found Abrazo almost 2 years ago (we have a 21 month old daughter). I look forward to following your journey.
I was nearing my 30 B-Day when we "stumbled" on Abrazo too. My husband did the best thing ever...a weekend getaway! My advice is go someplace really nice and quiet, because it may be your last few days of peace!
Best Wishes to you!
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Absolutely. And to be perfectly honest, I can't say I would see it any differently if I were adopting. Adoptive parents do have the power to choose; the question is whether their exercising of that choice truly is in the best interests of the child being adopted (or not adopted, as the case may be.)
That grates on me. I know some AP's feel more entitled than BP's, but it makes me angry. I am no more entitled to choose the gender of my adopted child than I would be if she were born to me. I can't choose what abilities she has (or doesn't ), her personality, or her IQ. BP's don't get that privilege either. If biological parents could choose all those things, there wouldn't be any diversity in the world. Everyone would be smart, sweet, and BORING.
I surely hope anyone that had the gall to walk out on a match in the delivery room were unceremoniously dropped from Abrazo's rosters.
Children are a BLESSING NOT A RIGHT! Raise em to the best of your ability, love them more than you should, and give glory to God every day that they are in your life.
Quit quibbling over what type of blessing suites you best.
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Thank you, all... unfortunately, the MN family withdrew themselves from consideration late yesterday, due to work concerns.
But Auntie Ang says she's not giving up her search to find this little guy a loving home, not just yet...
RATS!
Prayers for the perfect family for this little man to come home to soon.
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Praying that this family can be THE ONE for this precious angel. Monday can't come soon enough!
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Prayers that this little angel is in the right home soon ---and that his Abrazo angels can rest easy and rejoice in a job well done.
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Tina, reading your post about the experience in church was really inspiring. It's wonderful to hear how strongly you believe in open adoption.
The Abrazo chicks and the friends from our group (Indecision07) might remember that when Paul and I started working with Abrazo I had serious doubts about open adoption due to something that happened in my family and of which I will eventually write about. However, reading about all the families and the relationships they have with the BP, has convinced me about its benefits for the babies, and for the both, the BP and AP's.
I want to share something that happened to me tonight. I met Governor Tom Vilsak (former Gov. of Iowa), who is in Las Vegas helping us with the campaign. A friend and I (we're both immigrants) were talking to him about the growth of the immigrant population in Iowa. He said he had implemented a program in IA when he was governor to help immigrants feel welcome, help them navigate the system, learn English, etc. What he said next are words I'll never forget. He told us: "it's important to mantain a connection to your roots. You are very lucky to know where you came from. I was an orphan, so I never knew where I came from". He said he thought he might have some Irish background "because of a letter he once received" (he didn't say from whom, but it sounded like from someone who might have known his BP).
To see this tall, grown man who symbolizes so much of why I'm in politics say those words was very powerful.
We all need to know where we came from, because when you don't, it will mark you for life.
Gov. Vilsak is a very succesful man now-- he is one of the most respected figures in the Democratic party and he's accomplished so much...wouldn't it be great if his BPs could have seen how far he's gone?
It was really a breathtaking moment.
What a moving story. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Thanks for the words of support John. I wish I could speak with your eloquence!
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Thanks ya'll!
I was VERY nervous about this topic. It is extremely personal, and every situation is different, so I don't want to sound like I am "pushing my opinions" on others. I understand that boundaries do have to be in place, and not every person can respect those boundaries. I also know that for some people, contact is just not reasonable due to many different factors. I just honestly believe that SOME contact is better than none.
It helped to know that I would have the support of my forum family in case the whole situation came crashing down around my ears! (Plus, I knew I would be disappointed in myself if I let it go.)
I would LOVE for some of you to come and visit our church and have a discussion some day, but baby steps. Let's see what the repercussions are of our discussion this morning!
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So it finally happened. We get to church this morning and Jay has to run the slides for the worship service. During the service, there were some errors that needed to be fixed before second service. Jay had to work on it during class, which meant I had to go to class alone. I talked myself through it all the way into the next building. My plan was to keep my head down and my mouth shut. Simple. The other AP's probably wouldn't be there anyway. Even if they were, they probably wouldn't bring it up again.
I came into our classroom when it was empty. I sat in the corner near some friends and started talking. As the room filled, I noticed the other AP's weren't present (SIGH of relief). Just before they shut the door, the other AP walked in and sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME (There were plenty of other chairs).
Prayer requests? She says "As many of you know J's birthmother is seeking more contact. We spoke with the agency and they said we should meet one more time for the BP to say goodbye. We agreed to let them give J her Christmas presents and meet once. The agency told the BP's that they should GET OVER IT and MOVE ON WITH THEIR LIVES. The agency also told the BP's that they would NEVER SEE J AGAIN. We are all doing what is best for J and they need to move on.
Our parents are mortified that we had any contact with them at all. We upset both sides of the family by talking to those people at all (brave souls that they are :angry: ). We are all afraid that they will come back and kidnap her. It's terrible that we live in the same town. There is always the risk of running into them somewhere. We made it VERY clear, that if we ever see them again, they are to turn away."
Now, during this whole exchange (which I have shortened) I am sinking lower and lower in my chair. By the end, my tongue is literally between my teeth and my chin is almost to my chest and I am hoping VERY MUCH that no one notices me. I am so livid I can literally feel my blood pressure rising. Jay is not there to squeeze my arm and keep me quiet or at least reign me in if I go off.
Then the teacher of class turns to me and says "Bet you sure are glad Texas is so far away!" HAHAHA!! (class giggle).
That was it. I thought I was going to explode. I sat straight up in my chair and looked around the room and said "Actually, I wish we had MORE contact with our daughter's BP. We exchange letters and pictures. We even flew to Texas to visit her last October. All the research I have read says it is best for the children to KNOW where they came from. Makenzie needs to know why she likes brussell sprouts and we don't. She should see who she looks like most. I don't ever want her to wonder what her first family was like.
Our agency is actually really great about keeping all the families involved in an adoption connected. They even have a special camp in the summer for the families to attend so that the kids can play with other adopted kids and talk about what it is like to be adopted. According to those kids, the ones that have contact with their BP's are much happier than those that don't." I stop talking thinking to myself SHUT UP TINA! Jay would be crawling under the chair if he were here.
The teacher leans into me again and says "Isn't it hard on the mother to see Makenzie? Don't you worry she will come and steal her away?"
I am really wishing they would let this drop. "No, I don't worry she will steal her away. Makenzie's BIRTHMOTHER (I am her MOM) has a right to see her child. Yes, it is painful, but at least this way she can see pictures and hear her voice. She called us this fall and I let her talk to Makenzie. Now, Makenzie isn't saying much yet, but she at least told her BP Hello and blew her kisses.
Her BP is NOT a co-parent. She doesn't tell us how to raise Makenzie or what to do. She is like an aunt that loves Makenzie very much. As far as I can tell, in this mean old world, the more people that love you the better off you are. I hope Makenzie's BP does come for a visit. I want them to love on her. It's good for her."
I actually talked more than that, but that is all I can remember. My face was a flame when I finished. I felt like a trial lawer through the whole exchange. I was so angry there is no telling what all I said.
They ended up praying for both of us
. For the other couple's BP to get over it, and for us to maintain "healthy boundaries". Whatever that means. 
At the end of class, some friends came over to tell me they love me because I am so honest and forthright. "You just tell it like it is" (Since Jay wasn't around and I was already in trouble, I also chimed in on two more controversial topics today, opposing the class of course).
Oh well, if we have to find a new church we have to find a new church.
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Can you talk to the adoptive couple who is "freaking out" and find out what their concerns are and share your story/perspective?
The other couple is pretty defensive. As others have mentioned, they don't understand and therefore they just repulse. When we found out they adopted too (like 3 weeks after we did), I made the effort to get to know them and share our excitement. I was basically ignored and shunned. I think they just want to "fit in" and be like everyone else?
The other difficulty we have is, our personal relationship with Makenzie's BP's is currently non-existent. I don't have any great stories I can share. Makenzie's birthmom and I corresponded for about five months this year (and I TREASURE those letters), but we haven't had direct contact since placement. M doesn't live close either, so I get the "you don't know what it's REALLY like" a lot.
The couple finalized their adoption just before we did, so I know there is no legal pending problems (they announced their finalization with such flourish, it made me sad). I think they are just scared and afraid of being "different".
We'll see how it goes Sunday. I'm not bringing it up unless they do!
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Unfortunately, our church doesn't have a preacher at the moment. We are searching, so there is no one for me to talk to that can address the issue on a wide-spread basis. Our elders are all very supportive of us (We consider three of them family - one biologically and the rest adopted us as their own
).Everyone that knows us loves Makenzie. She has been fully accepted into our family and our church. Our church as a whole is extremely supportive of adoption, and we have several fund raisers each year in support of a local adoption agency (mostly dealing with foster kids).
I don't think anyone is anti-adoption, they are just anti-openness. No one understands why on earth we would want contact. They are all fearful of it, and they worry about it hurting Makenzie in the future (she won't know who to love, what if she wants to go live with them instead of you, etc.). I hear all of these things any time it is brought up (We also have a few immediate family members that ask the same thing).
And yes, I do get TIRED of explaining OVER and OVER what openness is and isn't. Most of the time, I don't get into it. Our social worker said it was OK to say "she is adopted" and leave it at that. We aren't in charge of educating the world at large.
I do speak up when it is appropriate (and when I have the energy)
. It is tiring though. We have talked about finding another church home, for many reasons, and we may have to if it continues to be a problem as Makenzie gets older. There are many adoptive families within our church, it is unfortunate that we are the only ones blessed with openness. -
There are three adoptive parents in our age range at church. The first had a HORRIBLE first adoption experience with an EXTREMELY unethical agency (which thankfully steered us away from them before we signed on the dotted line). They have been looking to adopt again for the last three years. Of course, after attending orientation at Abrazo, we have been singing Abrazo's praises. The couple is not ok with being "open" with their birthfamily. They currently correspond annually through their agency with their first BP and they like it that way. They do not want direct contact. They may come around (but I doubt it).
The second couple I don't really know (I know who they are, but we have not spoken much). Unfortunately, they are VERY anti-openness. Any time it gets brought up, they cringe and act very uncomfortable/defensive (we are in the same small Sunday school class). Well, we are pretty honest about our adoptive relationship. We are proud of our daughter and we want a relationship with her BP's.
Unfortunately, this couple has been asking for prayers for the last couple of weeks for their family. It seems their daughter's BP is asking for more openess in their relationship and this couple is TERRIFIED. They are thinking of moving to "keep their family safe". They are afraid their BP is "coming to steal the baby back" (their daughter is a few weeks younger than Makenzie).
We haven't been to class during all this (we've been traveling and home sick), but I have gotten calls. Several people have now approached me to "make sure Makenzie is safe". They want to know that her BP's aren't coming back to "steal her away". :angry: :angry: :angry:
I'm so shocked I hardly know how to respond to people. I tell them that yes, her BP's know where we live (DUH! We're OPEN with them~!) - but no we aren't afraid they are coming to steal her away. We would love for them to visit, but we don't worry about them stealing her.
I just DREAD going to church this Sunday. I know I am going to be approached more, and I really don't know what to say.
Jay will be with me, so I can't be my normal blunt self ie:
GIVE ME A BREAK! What is wrong with you people???? What are you going to tell your daughter some day when she asks about her birthfamily??? "Gee honey, they wanted to see you, but we couldn't cope with our own insecurities so we moved to another area to stay away from them." What a lovely example. :angry:
Find a backbone and bear up. Your daughters BP's obviously love her and want a relationship with her. Your daughter will one day want to know them as well. Get used to it. You might as well start now while she is litle instead of waiting until those horrible teenage years to deal with it!
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"We're still trying to have our own children," Jackman says.
Sounds like someone needs some positive adoption language training.
How great that his wife stepped up to the plate to get things moving in Australia. I had no idea thier laws were so tricky.
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Congratulations J.C. & Saint!!
What a BEAUTIFUL family portrait.
Christmas will never be the same for you. It couldn't have happened to a nicer couple.
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Congratulations!!!
Congratulations!!!
What a wonderful blessing!
Prayers to the first family.
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Adding my prayers for this sweet little fellow. May he find just the right place soon!
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I hate to see these kinds of things. I often wish (hateful I know) that something untestable goes wrong with the "perfect" offspring (like bad attitude, mean personality, etc.).
There are so many things we can't control in life. I really think it's too much pressure on the unborn to test them for every little thing and reject them if they aren't perfect. We all know people that would not be on this planet if such tests were conducted years ago, and what would our world be like then?
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Beautiful.Beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing such a personal story.
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What junk. I can't imagine viewing my adoption so negatively.
It seems like the author is still struggling with fertility issues.
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Interesting.
It brings to mind a quote from my psychology professor "Man won't change his behaviors to match his beliefs, he will change his beliefs to match his behaviors."
Sad.
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I find this tidbit very disturbing: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22205927/
How insane to prefer the children that were 6 months old at adoption over the newborn! :angry: Those "survivors" were still ONLY 6 months old!!!
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Heidi,
How wonderful!! What a testament to your relationship!
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Jada,
I understand your frustrations, but I don't think we meant adoption the way you think we did (at least I didn't). I meant adoption is an option to HELP Amanda make her life better. If she didn't have to worry about raising these children, she could focus better on herself. She could seek more education, training, etc. I looked at if from the perspective of helping her, not just "giving" her children everything and leaving her behind.
To me, adoption is about helping EVERYONE in the situation. Unfortunately, as adoptive parents, we can't financially support our BP's past placement. We can't pay for them to go to college, buy them cars, or do anything of substance for them. All we can do is be cheerleaders for them. Personally, I think that is part of my job as a good AP. I researched scholarships, schools, and financial aid for my BP to go back to school. I encouraged her as much as I could. I didn't want her to suffer the loss of a child without gaining anything herself. I wanted her to have a chance at better things without worrying about caring for her child. We can't "fix" her life, but at least we can take away a little of the worry by taking care of her child.
And no, we are by no means rich. We are an average family with average income. We are plenty blessed, but we are not eating steak and shrimp every night. I don't think more money makes a happier home. I think it just makes more problems.
I know adoption is horrible for the first family left behind. I can only imagine the horrific pain involved. I don't know what I would do if put in the situation you described. I would like to think I would do what was best for my daughter, regardless of what it cost me personally, but I don't know if I would have the courage.
I'm sorry you were so offended by these posts. I don't think any of us looked at it the way you did.
Open Adoption
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Well...if Charlie is 14 months older than Lindsey, then perhaps she is starting to ask those questions too? Here's hoping she finds you soon (on Myspace or through Abrazo).