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cloud nine

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  1. During and after Abrazo orientation, we went through a fairly rational analysis of the pros and cons of open v. closed adoptions. The only "good" thing we came up with for a closed adoption was the fact that our identity would not be known to the birthparents of our baby if they "changed their minds" at a future date. I have to admit that had considerable appeal to us early on. We knew so little about the open adoption process, all we saw at first blush was the loss of the anonymity of the closed process. Very quickly, however, we began to see clear, tangible benefits of the open adoption process that outweighed the privacy of the closed process. Because we chose open adoption, we met and actually got to know our son's birth family before he was born. They shared wonderful stories about their family and our birthmother's childhood that will give us guidance in understanding our son as he grows up. Because our birth mother talked to us about her decision to place and her parents talked to us about it as well, I have never worried that she made a hasty decision and would later change her mind. I describe these benefits first because they are selfish reasons favoring open adoption and selfish motivations are the source of most fears of open adotion. There are other benefits of open adoption that are equally if not more important. In the Abrazo orientation, Elizabeth drew a wonderful analogy comparing adoption from a birthparent's perspective to putting a beloved child on a train without knowing where the child would be taken or whether someone would be there to welcome and love that child. Having spent time with our birth family, we heard a simple message, said in so many different ways over the days surrounding placement, that they thanked God for us and felt it was meant to be that this baby was conceived and we were to be his parents. How could a birth family reach that kind of peace in a closed setting? If our birth family had to go through a closed adoption, what kind of unnecessary torment would they be suffering not knowing their baby was with kind and loving parents who loved him as much as we do? How many years would that torment last? Would it ever pass? Blended with the joy we felt at our son's birth was the indescribable grief and pain our birthfamily willingly endured to provide us with the greatest joy of our lives. After witnessing what they went through, I could never imagine putting them through the pain of not knowing the baby they placed was loved and cared for, and by whom. Although time is supposed to heal all wounds, the grief and sense of loss is bound to resurface at times and we want to be available to our birth family to help them through the pain, because that pain is in a sense, their continued expression of love for a child that means the world to all of us. Every open relationship between an adoptive family and birth family probably has its own unique features that those involved have worked out. There is no one-size-fits-all relationship required of every adoption that I know of. When we talked frankly about open adoption with our birth family early on and knew that we both were happy with the other's expectations, open adoption wasn't scary at all. Wow- sorry for the lengthy post- thanks for not charging by the word.
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