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suebee

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Everything posted by suebee

  1. Welcome to the forum! If I remember correctly (it's been more than 4 years for us), all you need is a letter from your doctor. Hope this helps! Susan
  2. I didn't see the show either, but after reading about it here I decided to check out the summary on Drphil.com. It broke my heart. I'm glad they're getting help...hopefully it's not too late. A lot of damage has already been done to this precious boy.
  3. Dreamer, Do you think your husband could say something to his parents? Maybe they aren't even thinking about what they are saying or how it sounds to you. Even more importantly, how is it going to make your child feel if he hears himself introduced that way by his grandparents? Just a thought. I know I have avoided issues with family members before when it's just my feelings at stake (who likes confrontations...especially with family members), but when it involves my son I am a lot more motivated to speak up!
  4. Great question Lois! Before we chose to work with Abrazo, we pursued adoption independently and with a local agency for about a year. Sometimes when people would ask me how it was going I wanted to scream! I didn't feel this way so much with close family, but there was a part of me that thought, "if there was anything to tell you, I'd tell you." It was such a waiting game, and I felt like people were thinking, "What is taking so long?!" I know that's what I was thinking! (Of course after we matched with our son's birthmother, it was a whole different story. I was so excited I wanted to talk about it all the time.) I think it's great that you are being sensitive to your daughter and her husband's feelings and privacy. I think showing your support by listening when they do talk and supporting their choices will make them more likely to talk to you about it. You might also send a note or card letting them know how excited you are that they are pursuing adoption and about being a grandparent. About a year after we adopted our son, my sister and her husband began pursuing adoption. I bought her a stuffed bear and a baby gown just to let her know that I was excited, I supported her, and I knew it would happen--not "if but when." I guess that's what meant the most to me is when family members showed their support of the fact that we would be parents one day and that they were excited to welcome our baby into our family. Another friend of mine who is pursuing adoption was given a baby shower by her family. It meant a lot to her that they were treating her as if she was expecting and already giving her things she would need. Of course, they asked her if she would like the shower first. Sometimes people who are adopting feel weird about having a shower. But if they've ever been to an orientation weekend at Abrazo, they are encouraged to get their nursery ready and prepare for their child...because it will happen!
  5. I can't believe someone would actually say such a cruel thing...but then again, I've heard some really insensitve things so maybe that doesn't surprise me. I would just have to say that people become parents in different ways and adoption is one way. It's not inferior, it's just a different way. I believe God is sovereign--there are things He directs and things He allows. Looking back I can say that I believe He didn't allow me to get pregnant so we could adopt the precious boy who is our son. I have no doubt that he was the child I was meant to have. I really also never questioned whether or not I would be a mommy. Of course, I wanted God's will in our lives and wanted to be open to whatever that was, but I always strongly believed in my heart that His plans for me included being a mother.
  6. It's true...the government really does give you a credit up to $10,000 on your income taxes for adoption related expenses! Adoption Learning Partners has a short (45-60 minute) course you can take to learn more. Adoption Tax Credit
  7. Laura, I copied and pasted the following from another part of the forum. It was posted by Elizabeth, Abrazo's Executive Director. Forgive me fellow forumites for not knowing how to do the quote thing! I was afraid if I tried, I'd post in the wrong place! Anyway, I hope it helps answer your questions about the infertility requirement. I would say it sounds like you and your husband would meet that requirement and be able to work with Abrazo if that is how you feel led. You do not have to try all the reproductive assistance procedures to be considered infertile. I know my husband and I didn't. Also, Abrazo does help couples adopt Hispanic, African-American, and biracial children as well as Caucasian. I also meant to tell you about a couple of great books you can read, if you haven't already, while you "wait" on clear direction from God: "Adopting after Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnston and "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. I'm sure there are other great books, but these two were especially helpful to me. Research/education is part of the adoption process and something you can definitely be doing (which it sounds like you are) while you wait on hubby to come on board Here is Elizabeth's post: For admission purposes, Abrazo defines infertility as the "documented medical inability to conceive a child" and we ask for doctor's verification at time of application, to ensure that we are accepting only the people we can help best into our full-service program. (The vast majority of Abrazo's birthparents join our program because they know we work with folks who could never otherwise become parents and this offers them a certain comfort, in knowing they truly are making a miracle happen both for their child and a couple in need.) For this reason, folks with "elective" infertility (those who can get pregnant but choose not to for personal reasons), with "impaired" fertility (those who can achieve pregnancy but may or may not carry to term) or "voluntary" infertility (those who have engaged in voluntary sterilization) are eligible only for consideration in our designated and special needs programs. We do ask those with unexplained infertility who enter the full-service program to take care during the process to prevent pregnancy from occurring, if need be. This is because an unplanned adoptive parent pregnancy in the course of an adoption plan--wonderful as that may be!--would disqualify them from continued services, disrupting any pending placement and necessitating their exit from our program with forfeiture of those fees already paid.
  8. Laura, I can relate so well to your post because I tend to be a planner, and I wanted to make plans when it came to starting our family. What I learned--and I'm sure you know--is that God often has plans and ways that are so much higher and better than our own. I think you are doing the right thing in praying about it and trusting God to direct you and your husband. In His time and His way, He will bring it all together--either through biology or adoption. I have often found that the more I discuss certain things (i.e. nag) with my husband, the more resistant he seems. But if I back off, pray fervently, and let God speak to him, the impossible happens...we start to see eye-to-eye! (Sometimes he changes, sometimes I do, sometimes God leads us both in a different--but in the same--direction.) Two Bible verses that kept me going through the process of dealing with infertility and adoption are Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20,21. God's ways and timing for us are perfect. I could certainly see that after adopting our precious son almost three years ago. I wouldn't change a thing, and I'm sure all the APs on this forum would agree! Another thing you didn't mention (and don't feel like you have to...I just wanted to point out something you may not be aware of) is whether or not you and your husband have talked with your doctors about your desire to conceive and possible problems you are having. I know Abrazo has a policy that prospective APs must have an infertility diagnosis from their doctor. I'm not sure about other agencies. If you haven't talked with your doctor yet, I would definitely recommend it. There may be a correctable medical reason why you have not gotten pregnant yet. Thanks for posting...I wish you the best for whatever direction God guides you and your husband. Susan
  9. Hi Lisa M. Welcome...I am so excited for you because I remember the feeling of hope I had when we began pursuing adoption. I knew that being a mommy was more important to me than being pregnant, and I felt such hope that my dreams would come true through adoption. And they did! Thanks to Abrazo and two wonderful birthparents, my husband and I adopted our precious son almost three years ago! I can't say enough good things about adoption--especially open adoption, and the incredible joy of being a parent to such an incredible child--which, it goes without saying, that all the children adopted with the help of Abrazo are! My advice I guess would be to have fun and hang on...enjoy the journey. You may find yourself anxious and impatient at times, but as Lisa said, "It's not IF, but WHEN!" Susan
  10. Christine, I think it would be helpful to you to have a draft when you go to orientation. That's what we did, and I'm glad we were able to get feedback from Abrazo about what should stay/change. I think this will save you time in the process. Also, I would include everything you think is important for prospective bps to know about you. In most cases, I believe, this will be all the information they have to go on at first. Of course, as you talk to bps on the phone you will be able to provide answers to specific questions they may have. Hope this helps! I wish you the best...it's an exciting journey! Susan
  11. I think "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin would be excellent for anyone--especially family members--to read. It really helps to dispel the myths about birthparents and adoption. It also deals with adoptive parent issues like infertility and the realities of adoptive parenthood. Probably not all of it would benefit relatives, but it is a great introduction to open adoption. Hope this helps! I'm sure your family members who are adopting or have adopted appreciate the efforts you make to educate yourself--and others--on their behalf!
  12. Our son was dedicated to the Lord at our church two years ago today, October 14, 2001. It was a very special time with most of our family and many of our friends attending. What made it even more special is that it was/is also the date of his birthmother's birthday. Although she was not there, we thought of her (as we do all the time, especially on today--her birthday) and knew that it was only because of her sacrificial love for her son that we are able to receive so much joy in being his parents.
  13. That is such a heartwarming, beautiful story. Thanks for sharing it!
  14. Kathy, I would highly recommend that you call Abrazo at 1-800-454-5683 and talk to them about your concerns. They have a wonderful, understanding staff and would be more than happy to talk to you. I wish you the best in whatever you decide for you and your baby.
  15. Another thing to consider is that with a home equity loan, the interest you pay is tax deductible.
  16. Lisa, Don't feel bad...a few months after we adopted our son, my husband and I went to a class about talking to your child about adoption. It wasn't until that class that I realized I needed to be careful how I reacted to people's comments because our son would be watching and learning from me. My responses would play a role in shaping his view of adoption and my feelings. It was an eye-opening realization, and I'm glad someone shared it with us. I too am learning to slow down and think before I speak!
  17. Lisa, Congrats to you and your husband for your progress in your adoption journey. It is very exciting, and you are great for allowing yourself to be excited! I also think it's great that you are shopping for baby items. You'll leave orientation weekend with instructions to get your nursery ready, because "It's not if, but when!" We took that advice to heart and began preparing our nursery shortly after we got home. Within 2 months we were matched and within another 2 1/2 months our son was born!! About those awful comments It is amazing how many people do not understand how hurtful or misguided they can be. I don't think they mean it, they just don't think. I had a hard time with this (and still do sometimes) because my emotions tend to show all over my face. (My mother, and now my husband, tell me that they never have to wonder what I'm thinking, my face shows it all.) I would get flustered and defensive when people made some of those idiotic comments! I've gotten better, I think, because I try to think beforehand how I will respond to certain comments so as to educate people instead of getting defensive. I also want to do this as a model for my son as he gets older. I don't want my words and actions to cause him to think that something is wrong with adoption. I want him to learn how to respond to people's questions or hurtful assumptions, and I want him to know that he has a right to privacy. As we got to know our son's birthmother, I also began to realize the hurtful things people said to or about her (How could you/she give up your/her own flesh and blood?) I decided if she could show great courage and strength to face these comments, surely I could too. I thought her pain was far greater than mine, and I became even more determined to help people understand the beauty of adoption! One comment we hear/heard quite often, is how great we are for adopting a child. I simply tell them that his birthmom is the one who deserves their admiration. While we did feel we had a lot to offer a child, our motives were actually quite selfish. We wanted to be parents. We wanted to enjoy the hugs, sloppy kisses, and giggles of a precious child. We wanted to experience and explore the world with wonder and amazement through his eyes. We looked forward to camping trips, visits to the zoo, and birthday parties. She gave all of that up so her son could have the life she imagined for him but could not give him at that point in her life. (I know you are a birthmom, so the same could be said for you The other thing that really hurt while we were matched but waiting for our son to be born was that often when we would tell people about our plans, many wondered to us, if the birthmother might change her mind. While that was certainly her perogative (although not something we worried about too much because of the relationship we had with her), I thought it was very insensitive to dwell on the negative rather than focusing on the exciting fact that we were about to become parents. I mean, a lot can go wrong when you are expecting a baby whether biological or adoptive, and yet people don't remind you of that when you are expecting a biological child (at least I don't think so, I've never actually been in these shoes). There's some other classic comments, but I'll let others "vent" about those. I've already been too long-winded here!
  18. We live in another state and adopted our son with Abrazo so we flew home with him. I was also concerned about this and asked my pediatrician ahead of time. He said there was no problem! He did suggest that we feed him a bottle while taking off and landing because the sucking would help the pressure in his ears. Our son was almost 3 weeks old, and he slept the whole time. (Except for when my husband changed his diaper in the airplane bathroom...did you know there is a changing table in there? I didn't.) We heard lots of oohhs and aahhs, and it was fun! I would anticipate that you will be in Texas at least a week after placement--possibly two--because you have to wait for the Interstate Compact to clear before you can travel out of state. (You can travel anywhere within the state...you just can't leave Texas.) I wouldn't be too nervous about the germs unless people are just getting right in his face. To keep from getting cabin fever while waiting for Interstate Compact to clear (a hotel room can close in on you during 2-3 week stay), we got out with our son on several occasions. He never got sick. I think babies still have a lot of the mother's/birthmother's immunity in them for awhile so they don't pick up every little bug. I understand about the insomnia. Our son is now 17 months old, and I don't think I've had a decent night of sleep since we were matched with his birthmom! There's a lot to think about before and after and a lot that keeps you awake at night, but it's such a wonderful experience! I wish you the best!
  19. Any word yet on the orientation weekends for 2002? We have friends who may be interested...
  20. I agree with twoirish...I think it's a great idea to send a card to the baby. We have just begun to develop a relationship with the birth grandmother of our son through phone calls, and we welcome that! After all, we love the same people...her daughter (our son's birthmom) and our son (her birthgrandson). I'm sure they understand it was a very hard time for you, and I don't think it's ever too late to begin that relationship. (Edited by suebee at 87 pm on Aug. 18, 2001)
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