linlacor

Hi there, I have a question, I probably should be directing this to Angela/Abrazo but thought I'd throw it out here first in case anyone has run into this and already knows the answer.... Okay, the letters of reference - Abrazo requires 3 from non-relatives. Check! Our homestudy person (Texas person this time) requires 5, and I think 4 have to be from non-relatives). I'm wondering, do these 5 need to be different from the 3 we had do our letters of reference for Abrazo (i.e. 8 different letters of reference) and furthermore, our homestudy person sent me and Lance separate information sheets to complete (with requests for 5 references) so I'm wondering, do my references need to be 5 people different from Lance's references? Therefore, there's a total of 13 different people doing references for us? Thanks! Lisa

Garden of Hope, you are such a wealth of insightfulness and wisdom and maturity. You are so valued on here - thank you for your thoughts and feelings on topics - it's always evident that much thought has gone into them. No wonder you're a teacher - I hope Kayleigh has a teacher like you some day, what a dream that would be to have her learning and experiencing for a year of her life from someone like you. -Lisa

Praise the Lord!!! Prayers are being answered. Bless this precious baby girl and her new family and her so very loving birthfamily. Thank you God for answering prayers in such special ways. -Lisa

Thanks for reviving this topic chilemom!! Ethnic Background - With Kayleigh's adoption, we initially said full anglo only because we felt if the child "looked" more like us, it would be easier for the child as they were growing up. By the time we submitted our application to Abrazo (and I had talked to Elizabeth) and we did some soul searching and education, we decided we were open to either a full anglo or anglo/Hispanic baby. The second time around, we expanded that and said we are open to anglo, anglo/Hispanic, & hispanic and we are excited about the possibilities! I don't know if it's because we live in Texas now and there is such a large Hispanic population here so I just think it would be really cool to be the parent of a child with that heritage or what. It also to me seems like maybe we'd be accepted into that community at a different level if we were the parents of a Hispanic child than we would otherwise - just the opportunity to learn more about the culture, etc is really neat to us. I had posted on here in a different spot about extended family concerns and unfortunately, this has had an impact on our decision to not consider an Anglo/AA or AA baby. It is not quite a mutual decision - it's something my husband and I have discussed at length and he is very concerned that my family would not be accepting of an Anglo/AA or AA child and it would cause a lot of family drama and he's concerned with how this will impact the child and the relationship between Kayleigh and her sibling. I have a different take on things - I think it would be good for my family to be directly impacted by this and forced to confront their stereo-types, biases, etc or whatever they are - I am positive that my family would see past the color of our child's skin and feel exactly toward that child as they feel toward Kayleigh - and I think it would help them realize that their bias and attitudes are the result of just being so sheltered from differences and so on and so on. The other thing I think is that it would have such a positive impact on Kayleigh to grow up with a sibling of a minority race - I just think Kayleigh has such a tender heart and strong personality - I can just see her becoming some activist or something based on growing up with a minority race sibling - I think it would broaden her views on life and be such a positive thing - for all of us...but, unfortunately, this isn't something Lance is ready to take on - I guess he sort of likes to keep the peace in my family and I'm more of a rebel at heart and like to shake things up and keep them interesting - and, I have faith that my family would grow and make me very proud (instead of how I feel now about their attitudes on this now and that is very embarassed & ashamed). Whew - I went on and on with this! Sorry. Just a hot topic with me lately and one I think about quite a bit. Previous Drug Use - When we filled out the paperwork for Kayleigh's adoption, we talked about this over and over - I think we eventually said we were okay with previous drug use but not as comfortable with alcohol abuse (although, there's really no guarantee you'd know about the alcohol use, unless an alcohol screen exists after the baby is born and I'm not aware of that). Anyway, we were still really nervous about the drug exposure even though we said yes, we would be open to that. Flash forward to now - we are now very comfortable with drug exposure - I had a long discussion with the neonatologist in the NICU where Kayleigh stayed and he really put my mind at ease when it comes to drug exposure. Basically, he said there isn't a lot of evidence out there to suppoprt that it has a long-term negative effect on the child - it's possible the ADHD rate is higher for children with drug exposure but that's even a possibility with children who weren't exposed to drugs...and honestly, we can totally handle ADHD - what I get concerned with are mental developmental delays and that's because of what I've experienced as the aunt of a severely autistic nephew (whose mom (my sister) didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc while pregnant....he had a reaction to an immunization at 6 weeks of age)...back to my thing though - what he said (the neo-natologist) is that they just don't have enough data on children who were drug exposed but were raised in stable, loving, nurturing homes - most of the data they have on drug exposed children is also children raised in very unstable home environments - so, he (among others) feel that it's more the environment during the child's upbringing that contributes to problems later - and if a child is raised in a stable, nurturing environment and was drug exposed, they likely will grow up to be just like any other kid who was born without being exposed to drugs. So anyway, this time, we're totally fine with any drug exposure. Fetal alcohol syndrome though scares me. But I'm not sure how you would really know if a newborn has this or not?????? Age of Child - With Kayleigh's adoption, I absolutely needed to parent a newborn - I just needed to experience all the newborn stuff and it was very important to me that the baby be a newborn (Lance on the other hand had no opinion either way on this - he was fine with pretty much any age). We had a call from Abrazo once asking us to call a birthmother who was parenting her 7 month old son and she was considering placing him (I don't think she ever did). At first, I was disappointed that we may adopt an older infant - but after about 30 minutes of thinking about it, I started thinking of all the advantages this would present and came up with a huge list - then, when it didn't work out, I was actually disappointed that we wouldn't have the opportunity to parent an older infant. However, I wouldn't trade my newborn moments with Kayleigh for anything. This time, it would be nice if our child is an infant but we said we were okay with up to 1 year old and this was primarily because of a discussion we had with our homestudy person (the one who did our homestudy for Kayleigh's adoption). She had worked with the State of Washington for a number of years handling hard to place children and had a lot to say about attachment disorder (where toddlers or children were basically neglected during those first months, years of life and have major issues with attachment (the first 3 years are very important from what I understand) and that is a long road of therapy from what she explained. This is not to say that all toddlers who are placed were neglected but I just think it would be hard to know and I really want to be able to say "Yes" right away when we get a call and not have to ask a lot of questions. So, we decided that 1 year or younger was the age we were comfortable with this time. Gender - Oh brother, this is another uncomfortable topic for me. I guess I just need to get over it but I am having a hard time with this. So, with Kayleigh's adoption - we didn't specify a gender. We said we preferred a girl but were open either way and we were. This time, we have specified girl only. And the reasons why.....let's see, well, I think for one, we like the idea of having same gender siblings - I have 2 older sisters and the whole sister/sister relationship is just so cool to me - I've never had brothers and I know people who do have brothers who can't imagine having a sister instead of a brother (my niece and nephew for that matter - they're 25 & 27 and although she lives in Japan, they talk every day! They're very close!) but I didn't experience that and I just like the idea of Kayleigh growing up with a sister. Also, Lance has a brother who he is not at all close with and I think he has this fear that if Kayleigh has a brother, they won't be as close as if she had a sister (although I explained to him that as long as the children grow up in a loving home where they're taught to love and respect their sibling, it won't matter what gender the sibling is, they'll be close because that's all they'll know - that's just my opinion on that....). The other reasons have to do with just being set up already with girl stuff - it just seems like a girl house, hard to imagine a boy, etc etc etc. Here I go again with another one of my posts that I want to delete as soon as I post it...but I'm going to leave it anyway - this personal topics sure do feel awkward - been a long time since I've posted some of these types of posts - and I think all the ones I've done previously have always been with my birthmother hat on. I hope others will chime in.....I know this is something that is a big deal when you're filling out all that paperwork and it makes you do some deep soul searching and asking yourself questions that you would never otherwise ask yourself. If it's any help to others, I don't think there are ever any wrong or right answers - it's a personal decision that you and your spouse need to agree on and feel comfortable with but it's very important that you do this ahead of time (and not after you get the call). Spend some time thinking this through and talk to others out there if you need more information on things. Do your homework ahead of time on this. Also, it is very important that you're honest with yourselves on these topics and you do what you feel you can do, but at the same time, remember that if you place a lot of restrictions on cases you're comfortable with, it gets harder and harder for that baby to find you. Which isn't a bad thing but just remember that it will take longer and you need to realize this going into the adoption journey, you need to have realistic expectations (i.e. you probably won't be one of those folks who gets a call 2 weeks after attending Orientation). Lisa Lisa

My mom totally surprised me.....when we found out I was pregnant (which was the scariest thing in the world to me at that time...I thought she was going to totally freak out on me), she told me she would support me in whatever decision I made - whatever I decided to do, she would be right there with me. And she was...I lived at the agency while I was pregnant (wasn't Abrazo as they weren't around wayyy back then!) and every Friday, she would come get me and bring me back every Sunday - for 4 straight months. She was my rock during that time and she never tried to push me into placing but she never tried to push me into parenting either - she somehow knew how to balance all that and what to say (which isn't exactly her strongpoint - she has a horrible habit of sticking her foot in her mouth - she speaks without thinking of how what she's saying could make someone feel). Anyway, my mom was awesome! My middle sister was also very supportive and made me feel good about it - her son was only 10 at the time and she was totally open about me being pregnant and what I was going to do....I could see him and her and she was totally fine with it (my oldest sister wasn't so tolerant - she refused to let her children see me pregnant and never wanted them to know what was going on/what happened) so my middle sister's actions compensated a lot for how my other sister acted about it (my oldest sister was glad I was placing (or supportive of my decision), just didn't want her kiddos to see their Aunt Lisa pregnant at 18. I think tolerance is a great thing for relatives to demonstrate - birthmothers are already experiencing enough shame and humility already - just being tolerant of the situation and non-judgemental and keeping some questions to yourself can do so much. -Lisa

I think the thing that always makes me tense up and want to explode is that old tried and true "just relax, I bet once you adopt (or now that you've adopted), you'll get pregnant". That one always drives me nuts!!! Now, the thing that would make my blood boil once we had adopted Kayleigh would be when someone would say, "oh, how nice of you to do that" referring to us adopting! Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!! It also does drive me nuts when people who have biological children (and who have no trouble conceiving), will say to me that they have always wanted to adopt someday and hope to adopt their next child - some will even go so far to say so they can do a good thing for a child who needs a home. Good little place to vent......hee hee. Lisa

Hi Sherri, Just wanted to welcome you to the forum and to also let you know I met your daughter when I was in San Antonio and she sure is a special young lady! It was very touching to meet her and to see how much she has been touched by Colby and having such an important relationship with his parents. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm so glad to see your perspective on here and glad you've joined us on here. -Lisa

Wow! Thank you so much everyone for responding - especially those of you who faced the same situation as me (i.e. loving your first child so much you can't even imagine adding another or sharing your time with another, and also learning how to be okay with just being a family of 3). Your insight and sharing has put my mind at ease so much, it seems so often that so many people just know instantly what they want and their spouse agrees and everything goes along as planned. It's so nice and reassuring to hear I'm not the only one who has struggled with trying to weigh the pros and cons of 2 children versus one child (because I've never actually encountered anyone else who has even thought there were any cons to it) and also to find out that despite being convinced that the family dynamics of an only child are awesome, the family dynamics of another child is even better! (That's actually something that Lance is really struggling with - he really enjoys this team we have, Mommy, Daddy, & Kayleigh and how it works with the three of us and raising an only child....I think that may even be one of the biggest challenges he has in trying to reframe his thinking - he's become so wrapped into this family of 3 thing that he's not able to even visualize how it could be as a family of 4 - 2 children and 2 parents. Also, Lance doesn't deal with change very well (whereas I can adapt to most anything given an opportunity to get my head around it).) Anyway, I like the way you put it (Jeannie) where you said it changed your family dynamics for the positive - that's nice to hear. I also appreciate the honesty that not all first children will adapt to a sibling as well as others - I think Kayleigh will definitely adore a sibling and love them, etc but I also think she will feel a little left out inside and maybe not exactly tell us she's needing us - she can put on a good face sometimes but I can usually read how she's really feeling. I think if Lance came to me today (or tomorrow or anytime in the near future for that matter) and said, "Okay, yes - let's do it, I'm ready", I wouldn't even hesitate - I would be fed-exing our application to Abrazo so fast - heck, I may even drive it there myself to make sure it got there ASAP! So, I guess that means that I'm also ready - it's when I start thinking about it too much that I realize I want to make sure Kayleigh will be okay (by the way, my sisters and I are 15 and 12 years apart (and they are 2 1/2 years apart) and the three of us are very, very, very close - I am living proof that age differences are really irrelevant - it's the bond you and your siblings form (through growing up learning to love, appreciate, respect, etc etc etc one another). Both my sisters had even moved out of the house and were married by the time I was 7 years old - my middle sister and I speak daily and sometimes even talk on the phone twice a day. My other sister works or else we'd be talking all the time and seeing each other too. Also, my middle sister (who was 12 when I was born) was furious at me when I was a baby and a kid - she was my mom's baby and had been for 12 years and always felt as though I came along and ruined things - and now, (and then even), we are just so close and love each other so much....so I know that even if the older child feels a little displaced by the younger child that they will be okay and won't hold it against the younger one (forever at least . Again, I'm feeling so much better after reading y'alls responses - just knowing I'm not the only one who had doubts makes me feel so much better about things...and, if a family of 4 isn't meant to be...knowing that eventually, I can come to terms with it (as impossible as that seems (the infertility thing wasn't something I ever really struggled with - I really didn't care how I became a parent, fortunately, didn't really have to come to terms with not being able to give birth - really, the only appeal to me of being able to give birth is just the convenience of being able to get pregnant (while also being able to hold on to a college fund or whatever). However, I think I have come to terms with the possibility that we may never meet Kayleigh's birthfamily or have any contact with them - I still struggle with that a bit and haven't fully accepted it but I'm much farther along with being okay with that than I am being okay with having an only child (and I really think I've fully accepted the possibility that I may never meet my birth-daughter - I haven't given up hope but it used to be a huge fear of mine and I would make my mom promise (and later Lance) that if I ever died, they would find her and tell her about me and show her pictures....that isn't so important to me anymore...so I suppose I am capable of learning how to deal with something in life that I don't want to deal with or learn to accept and maybe that would help me if that time comes????? I just wanted to say how much I appreciate everyone taking the time to pitch in and share...thanks again, very much! Lisa

Sherrie, I was inspired to post on this spot based on your post about sharing what it was like the day of the call you received about Brenli. I've posted several times on here about how my husband and I flip-flop (actually I am the one doing the flip-flopping, he's actually never had any doubts) and I guess I'm just thinking out loud here....off the top of my head, you're the person on here I can relate the closest to on adopting a 2nd time. I just read your post on here about how you weren't really interested in adopting a 2nd time after Dylan because you just loved him so much and you weren't ready to divide your time between 2 children. I go through moments where I really, really want another baby and other moments where I'm not so enthusiastic about it and the reasons for that change as time goes on. This is where I wish I was one of those fertile types of people who could just "accidentally" get pregnant with our 2nd (like 85% of my friends have done with their 2nd child) and then I wouldn't have to think about things so much (this is the problem with creating a family through adoption, so much thought and consideration have to go into it that for people like me who analyze situations to death, it all just starts to get fuzzy and difficult). My niece just had her baby on Thursday - an adorable baby boy and I've been over there for the past couple of days helping with him (she had to have a c-section and is having a hard time bouncing back). Of course, holding him gives me huge amounts of baby fever - he is so precious, it brings back so many memories of when Kayleigh was a newborn. Kayleigh is also so sweet with him which warms my heart - she thinks he is just the best thing ever and my niece and her husband are so great about letting Kayleigh be close to him and love on him. So, then that relieves one of my concerns which is how could I do that to Kayleigh (i.e. have a second child?) and split all my time between her and another. I know it's possible but I really love just completely, 100% committing all of my time and attention to her (as does Lance). Then, when I see how much she enjoys having a baby around (she'll be 3 in December so babies are HUGE with her right now...the only thing that would make her love Drew more is if he was a baby princess - then it would be a double whammy...her 2 favorite things!) Although, the other evening when we were going to bed, I asked her if she liked it when I held Drew and she shook her head no and pointed to herself and I asked her if she liked it when I held her and she nodded yes....then I start having doubts again - what if a 2nd child will make her feel less something...like we needed more than what we had???? I just get so caught up in trying to make sure I'm doing what's best for her - then, I start to think about how a sibling would be in her best interest (no offense to you only children out there or parents of only children but I just can't imagine my life without my sisters - I thank my mom all the time for having the 3 of us because I love my sisters so much and our relationship with one another and I so much want to give Kayleigh the opportunity to develop a relationship with a sibling as well (3 kids are a no-go for us, convincing Lance we need a 2nd child is going to take something of a small miracle (but I'm working on it) so I know if we have 2, that will be it for us. Okay, so.....I'll eventually get myself convinced that a sibling is a good thing for Kayleigh and another child is a good thing for us and our family...then comes the difficult part - getting Lance to see things from a different perspective (any of you out there have reluctant spouses?) The other thing is I don't want to have to really convince him of this, I want him to just have a revelation or something and realize this is what we need - I don't want to pressure him into anything he is unsure about (this is where the surprise pregnancy would really come in handy though because of course, he'd learn to accept that and would embrace it and fall just as in love with his second child as he did with his first). Lance will hardly even discuss it but lately, I've really wanted to talk about this because if we are only supposed to have one child, then there are some things I'd like to start doing (going back to school primarily). The problem is, I really want another child so I don't want to make the commitment to return to school as that would be an obstacle that would definitely prevent us from adopting again (and I don't want to start my masters then put it on hold then pick it up again (I've already done that once...). Once I explained this to him, he was more receptive to really discussing this...I think he thought I was just trying to beg for another baby for the sake of begging to have another baby - now that he understands that I'm actually just trying to get a plan together, he is more open about it....however, still not in agreement on this topic - which is so frustrating. I honestly can't imagine never having another child......I'm just not ready to accept that. However, I'm not actually ready right this moment for a second child...but, I know we kind of have a window of time and we'd need to get the ball rolling within the next 2 years if we are supposed to be a family of 4 instead of 3. Lance doesn't want to be 70 and trying to put 2 kids through college (one of the reasons I'm considering returning to school - no plans to return to work anytime soon but I wouldn't mind going back to school for 5 or so years and going back to work after that). Such a dilemma - I wish we were younger so we wouldn't have to feel such a time constraint on things but that's not something I can change. Sherrie - if you're reading this, I'd love to know how Dylan did with sharing the spotlight? How did you make sure you were still giving him everything you'd been giving him before his baby sister came along? Do you 2 make time for just you and Dylan or does he seem to need that? Do you think him being a little older made it easier or harder? I know we can't wait 7 1/2 years for a second child - Lance is already 46 and that would put him at 50 at the time we adopted and he has been very clear about wanting to be able to have a few years of retirement. Also, for those of you with only children, how did you learn to accept that you would be a family of 3 forever (if that wasn't really what you wanted)? That's just something I have a hard time accepting although it's possible it may be the reality for us because I'm just not sure Lance will ever feel that desire for another child. I've bought books on only children but it really breaks my heart to think of Kayleigh never experiencing what it's like to have a sister or brother...especially in their adult years....despite all the success stories I've heard from other only children who swear they like things just like they are (kind of a you don't miss something you never had kind of thing????) Advice anyone? Lisa

Hi Alyssa, First of all, I'm so happy to hear you and your baby are safe and sound and made it out of Galveston. Sounds like you have some angels looking after you to get you out of there - this is all so heartbreaking to see so many people having to flee with so little and not knowing what they'll be coming back to. I'm so glad you're okay. Next, I just wanted to comment that you are doing so well - you have obviously given this so much thought (you seem so mature) and are trying your best to do what you believe is best for your baby (it's very obvious you love this baby very, very much - so much you are trying to make all the right decisions for him/her - that is such a difficult thing to do, especially when you know what you're doing is right for you and your precious baby but you're not getting as much support as you'd like from someone you're close with, your mom. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and I think it would be very difficult to stand firm in my decision and not doubt that what I'm doing is right, but you're doing that and good for you for reaching out for help to assist your mom in better understanding things from your perspective. It is possible that on this thing, you two may have to agree to disagree and you may even have to just tell her that you respect where she's coming from but this is a lifetime decision (making the decision to have an open adoption plan rather than a confidential adoption plan) and one that is nearly impossible to undo if a confidential adoption is the route taken so you're just going with a gut instinct on this and you know this feels right and to just trust you on this. I couldn't agree with you more for your reasons - you've experienced what it's like to have a part of you absent from your life and how mature of you to think about how this could effect your baby. The parents you choose for your son/daughter are going to be so fortunate to be in a relationship with someone with such insight and consideration. There are a million possibilities why your mom isn't in favor of open adoption, it's so hard to know - even she may not know exactly the reason why other than it is something she isn't familar with (because honestly, who really is unless you've actually been faced with a situation like this?) and doesn't know a lot about - other than maybe what she's heard from family, friends or on TV. I'm sure part of it is to try to protect you from what she knows will be a very very painful time in your life - some people think that out of mind, out of sight is the way to deal with things in life that are difficult and painful - I placed my daughter for adoption almost 17 years ago, at that time, almost noone did open adoptions so hers was a confidential adoption and I can tell you that although I don't know what it's like to place a baby in an open adoption, I've read enough on here to know that the severity of the pain whether it's an open adoption or closed/confidential adoption seems the same - it hurts whether you see your baby and get updates on your baby and have contact with your baby's parents and visits, etc or you go through year after year with no contact, few updates and always they are with non-identifying information (I've had 2 major updates in almost 17 years). Anyway, I'm not trying to scare you, I know you're also aware that placing isn't easy (nor are any of the options available to someone facing an unplanned and untimely pregnancy)...I just personally think that your mom thinks she is protecting you in some way by trying to persuade you to not do an open adoption. Open adoption can be very unnerving for anyone who isn't familiar with it and how it works and all the benefits it has (I think it is truly one of the greatest things you can ever do for your child - to be committed to an open adoption, with no secrets, no lies, allowing your child to always grow up with truth being a big part of his/her life and having access to you and his/her roots anytime they want - it's just awesome. It works and soon, someday, people will have the sort of reaction toward confidential adoptions that they do toward open adoptions - they'll think they're weird and wrong and they won't understand why anyone would even consider doing things that way). Many adoptive parents and their families find themselves unsure about open adoption (including my husband and myself when we began our adoption journey (we adopted our daughter in December 2002 from Abrazo) and as they become educated on it and what it's all about, how it's healthier for everyone involved, they become advocates and strong-believers in open adoption and committed to spreading the word. Your mom may never fully appreciate open adoption, but she will learn to accept it and she will even appreciate that she will always know how her grand-son/grand-daughter is doing and she will be happy knowing that her daughter also has a peace, knowing that she was a part of choosing and getting to know the parents of her child and knowing that however difficult the days will be while you're trying to heal from the loss, you'll also have comfort knowing everything is okay with him/her and knowing that your baby will always grow up, knowing who you are and where they came from and who they look like and y'all will be able to have a very special relationship. I hope you can stay strong in your decision to go with an open adoption (if adoption is ultimately what you decide to do) and that even if your mom isn't in agreement, you can convince yourself that in time, she will see for herself what you were talking about all this time. You are a really wise girl, I'm just in awe of your maturity - I know you're not the only one out there who has gone through all this thought process, it's just not often we see birthparents posting on here sharing with us what they go through to get to their decision (and the challenges they face in doing so). Please keep in touch (and I agree, if you haven't contacted Abrazo, you will find yourself in a very comfortable place among great friends and family if you decide to give them a call - they are just amazing and are the real deal - they put birthparents and the children first and will make you feel so comfortable). Let us know how you're doing - we'll all be thinking of you...I know I will! By the way, December 5th is a very, very significant date for me! It is my mom's birthday, my sister's birthday and it is also the day that our daughter, Kayleigh was born - December 5th, 2002! It is also the day my grand-mother passed away (I've said this a million times on here so I'm sure everyone is like, yeah, yeah, yeah but my grand-mother was the angel who helped Kayleigh find us and us to find Kayleigh - she passed away 18 minutes before Kayleigh was born, I am just sure she had something to do with everything - she knew how much we wanted a baby and ours was a match made in heaven. Sadly, Kayleigh's birthmother isn't comfortable with open adoption and has requested that we not have any contact - this haunts me every day - I can't tell you how much I want her to be a part of our lives - I honestly would do just about anything to have that happen - it literally keeps me awake at night sometimes because I just want it and need it so much. Kayleigh is only 2 1/2 so right now, she doesn't understand what she's missing out on but I know it's only a matter of time before the day comes when the questions begin and I don't know a person out there better able to answer those questions than her birthmother. Anyway, just another example of how difficult it is living with a confidential adoption on a daily basis). Lisa

Hi Mandy, Welcome to Abrazo and to the forum! I've located some previous posts (I'm sure there are others but these came to mind) from members regarding profiles, tips, hints, etc. For me, the profile was such a huge thing - it felt like I was climbing a mountain when trying to get it done. I would definitely recommend the 8 1/2 x 11 - Abrazo also puts these profiles in a binder and I'm just not sure how it would fit in there if it's on the larger paper - I understand what you're saying but also, for faxing to birthmothers and mailing them, I think you need to stick with 8 1/2 x 11. One of the most difficult things about the profile is trying to fit so much in so little space and time. It definitely was a problem for me, I just started working on mine, then refining it and refining it some more - I probably re-did mine (only majorly re-did it once, the other times, it was just making it shorter, more concise and fewer pictures (because the best photos are those where you can really see you and your spouse - not a tiny little blip among a background - put yourself in their shoes - you want to see where your baby will be living, who their parents are, what they look like (Just like you'd be very curious to see a good, clear photo of them)...anyway, the clearer and bigger the photo is, the fewer of them you can fit on the page so I kept taking pictures off so I could put bigger pictures on (I think quality versus quantity counts when it comes to a profile). Anyway, my 2 cents and also, check out these topics pertaining to profiles: Adoptive Parents -> Looking to Adopt -> Dear Birthmother Letter (this topic is currently on page 6 but that could change depending on which topics are added to the Looking to Adopt category) Adoptive Parents -> Looking to Adopt -> Hey Everyone! (this topic is currently on page 6 but that could change) Adoptive Parents -> Looking to Adopt -> Resume & Profiles for Orientation, Help From Members (this topic is currently on page 1 but that could change) Good Luck!! Lisa

Hi Sabrina, I wish I knew what to say but just wanted to post anyway to offer my support. I don't know what it's like to be a single parent, only what it's like to be the child of a single parent - it's a different relationship (I think) that a single mom (or dad for that matter) has with their child. I think each year must bring its own set of challenges but surely, the younger they are, the more challenging it must be. It must get somewhat easier as they grow up and can do more around the house and help with things and be a shoulder for you too when you need it. I was 9 when my parents divorced and I took on a lot of responsibilities that I know other kids in 2 parent homes didn't do (I did all the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, made dinner sometimes, was responsible for doing my own homework (i.e. if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done, my mom worked 2 jobs several nights of the week so I knew what I had to do, I didn't have her home to tell me to do it). I'm glad I grew up that way though - I'm very proud of myself and my mom for making it on her own - her being single and raising me taught me so much about self-sufficiency and being strong and capable. Your boys are going to grow up and have such a tremendous amount of respect for you and what you do for them (don't expect it in their teen-age years though, whew! I think I've spent the past 10 years trying to make up for being such a take-everything-my-mom-did-and-sacrificed-for-me-for-granted teen-ager, I think she forgives me now, They are going to grow up to be such wonderful husbands and fathers because of the connection and relationship the three of you have with one another. You are doing your job and raising 2 boys to be wonderful, responsible, and special adult men who will marry (if they choose to get married that is) 2 very fortunate women. Your boys are so happy (I've met them so I can tell!) and so polite and are so loving toward you. I have so much admiration for you for following your heart and making your dream of becoming a parent come true despite it not actually working out as you probably originally thought it would. One of the things you said in your first post really stood out to me, something about how you feel like you can't vent or complain or whatever about the challenges of single-parenthood because you made a choice to adopt. I know why you probably feel that way but hey, you have every right to vent and feel frustrated and let it be known, of course you do! You made a choice to be a parent, being a parent isn't easy. I made a choice to be a parent too - we went out and did what we needed to do to adopt Kayleigh and don't think for a minute that I don't complain and whine about how hard it is sometimes - everyone needs an outlet - whether you made a choice to be a parent or single-parent or just found yourself in that situation and tried to make the best of it (it's like being a birthmother, I felt in the beginning that I couldn't complain about all the pain because I "made my bed" as my mom would say so I just had to suffer through silently - soooo not the case. We all have moments, if you don't let it out, it will eat you alive and if there are some people around you who give you that look when you need to vent about things, then find some other people to vent to. There must be some sort of support network out there for single-moms??? There just must be - support systems of people we have something in common with are so beneficial......just sometimes feeling like you're not alone in what you're trying to do and being able to receive knowing nods from others in your shoes can be what you need to get through some of the challenges. I don't know how small of a town you live in - that may make it more difficult to find others like you (who are working, raising kids and are the sole provider) but if you could find some way of connecting with others who are looking for the same thing, that may help. What about a group for widows or people who have lost their spouses (I worked with a girl a few years ago who was in her early 30's...she and her husband had a hard time getting pregnant but had finally miracously gotten pregnant and 18 months later, he died at the golf-course of a heart-attack and he was only 35 or so. She was involved in a support group type thing with other widowers and had a couple of friends from that with young children too - they formed a really neat bond and I know she got a lot out of that. Don't try to take it all on yourself, you are doing an amazing, incredible thing that most of us couldn't even handle for 10 minutes if we were in your shoes because we've become so dependent on our spouses to take over when we need a break (myself included!). You are one over-achiever, let me tell you! Getting your masters while working full-time while raising two little active boys who are what, 2 years apart (if that?) Do you realize how much you're doing? Try to seek out some others who are nearby who you can go to and talk to if you need to without feeling as though you're being judged and who understand from their own experiences where you're coming from. I love being around other birthmothers because immediately, I feel a connection to them - I feel like only they know what it feels like to do what I've done and just that alone can make me feel a bond with them, even if we're different in every other way...you just don't meet birthmothers every day (or if you do, we don't typically go around with t-shirts that say we are) so when I meet one, I always love spending time talking to her and hearing her story because I know she knows and feels like I feel - it just gives me some peace in that area of my life. Anyway, I'm glad to hear the forum is meeting some of your needs in other ways, it just sounds like we need more single parents on here (ahem!!!!!) sharing their daily routines....even if it does sound as though they're not appreciative of being a parent because we all know that each and every person on here is very appreciative and very in love with their children, but we are all also human and just like we caused some stress and drama for our parents, our kiddos do the same for us. Here's a great big hug from me to you {} (I think that's the sign for hug online, I'm so not savvy when it comes to computer speak. Lisa :}

A friend of my mom's son & daughter-in-law had adopted their son from Abrazo - my mom had been bugging me to talk to Michelle from the time we started our infertility treatments - finally, 4 years later I called her, she told me about Abrazo and how great of an experience they had and how fast it had happened for them and she felt Abrazo had a huge amount of integrity which was really important to us as well.....the day I learned our 2nd IVF attempt didn't work, I found Abrazo's website, visited the forum and almost 6 months to the day from my initial inquiry, we brought home our pride and joy - Kayleigh!!!

When I suspected I was pregnant, I felt a huge presence helping me make a decision on what to do. I can't really describe it but it's like I just knew adoption was the best thing for me at that time. My pregnancy was a blessing - I analyzed the "why" over and over again and each time, with such clarity - I could answer those questions to myself - why I was pregnant, why I was about to go through the most difficult experience in my entire life. I know it was God helping me all the way, helping me find the answers within myself - He cleared my head enough to think through things and figure it all out and make the decision I needed to make. It's like throughout the ordeal, I was given this insight into my future & my baby's future and what our futures could become if I chose to place her for adoption. I can't imagine what else it could have been if it weren't Him directing me - I sure didn't have the strength to figure it all out by myself. When I did start having some doubts, toward the end.....a voice in my head was so loud and clear and it told me to think with my head, not my heart. I just wanted someone to tell me what to do because I felt such a tug in my heart to not let go of my child but then I rationalized all the things I'd been thinking of prior to that and knew that this decision would need to be one I made with my head - I couldn't listen to what my heart was telling me. It was definitely Him, all along. I can list a million and one reasons now that affirm to me I did the right thing for me (the biggest of which is my daughter Kayleigh - had I not placed my first little angel for adoption, I would have never known my precious angel Kayleigh and I can't even imagine a life without her.....she is the daughter I was destined to parent. Lisa

I did a prelim profile and took it with us to the ORientation - I found that to be very, very helpful. I got great and useful feedback from the Abrazo chicks and pretty much completely re-did it (the wording was pretty much the same (although I worked on making it briefer (is that a word?) and I made the pages much simpler (I was using this busy paper and they suggested I use a solid color cardstock and use various decorations or stickers (I'm sooo not crafty so I'm sure I'm not using the right words if there are any scrapbookers on here) on it. Anyway, just remember that probably one of the biggest reliefs you'll have is when you get that final profile done and mailed in with the copies to Abrazo (along with that stack of paperwork they give you to do after the Orientation) and from there, the ball really gets rolling!!!!! -Lisa

I just wanted to echo Martha - go ahead and send things in....you never know. There's a possibility that if there's space available, they may accept an "againer" into the July Orientation. It could never hurt. We were childless when we attended Orientation but I didn't send my stuff in until July, thinking there was no way we'd be able to attend the one they were having in August (it was after all less than a month away, this was in '02) and I got a call giving us the go-ahead to attend the August one - I had thought we wouldn't be able to go until the one they were having in December. Well, we went and I got the call about our daughter during that December Orientation weekend because everyone at the Orientation got on Elizabeth's cell phone and shouted "Congratulations Lisa! You're a Mom!!!". -Lisa

What a great topic - it's also one of those (at least for me) "if I knew then what I know now" sort of things. I don't think I'd ever be able to verbalize completely & coherently everything we discussed and went through during IVF but I'll try my best to cover the basics of it. Okay, where to begin.....I guess the beginning (I'll really try to make this brief but for me, it's important to start at what the driver was for me to go to the lengths of IVF in order to try to achieve a pregnancy) As most everyone on this forum knows, I found out I was pregnant my senior year of high school and placed my daughter for adoption at birth. I had about 6 months to "think" about my pregnancy and decision (I learned I was pregnant when I was 3 months along) and was very comfortable with the decision I made except it put this fear in my mind of how ironic it would be if this was my only pregnancy & child - I just feared so much that somehow, I'd never be able to get pregnant again and would spend the rest of my life regretting that I placed my only child for adoption. It was a very, very real fear and one I thought of often. Flash forward 9 years, I met my soul mate Lance, fell in love and we got married! I was 27 and I managed to last 6 months without wanting to try to get pregnant (we had originally discussed being married 5 years before trying to get pregnant). That little voice in my head though kicked in and said "What if you don't get pregnant right away...if you wait 5 years to even start trying, that would make you 32...then if there are "issues", it will probably be another 5 years before you actually become a parent (I was thinking 2 - 3 yrs of infertility treatments then another 2 years of trying to adopt)....why not start trying NOW?" Lance and I discussed it (he's 11 years older than me so if I was going to be 37 by the time we became parents, that would make him 48 which wasn't as convincing to him of our "urgency" to start trying as it was when I told him that would mean he would be 66 when our child was a senior in high school. We started trying that day. I took a pregnancy test, it was negative. I bought books that explained how to get pregnant and so began my obsession with getting pregnant. For some people (i.e. me), the monthly process of getting pregnant and failing to do so becomes this really weird thing where it feels as though there is a goal and I'm not achieving it - I can't really describe what it's like other than it just gets really, really, really out of control and it just ate at my heart and soul every single day. I was consumed with the idea of "beating this sense of failure". I taped Baby Story every day and watched it as soon as I came home from work - some days, I sat on the edge of our bed with my purse still on my arm while watching it - imagining that would be me someday - I'd get to experience the pregnant stomach, the baby kicking, the questions and comments from strangers about when am I due, have I picked out a name, etc etc etc, the pain of labor, the feeling of the baby being laid on top of chest after he/she was born and Lance and I lovingly gazing at one another as we admired this perfect little person that we had lovingly created. I would ride in a wheelchair holding my little bundle of joy while Lance pushed a cart of flowers and we'd get into our car and ride off together with our baby and live happily ever after. It was so real to me that I could close my eyes and almost feel it happening. Well, that fairy tale just made my yearning worse - I visited my ob/gyn after about 6 months and said I knew we had issues because I was doing everything in my power to get pregnant and there's no way it shouldn't be working unless there are issues. She said I still had to wait until we'd been trying for 1 year before she'd do tests. Hmph! Everyone around me was getting pregnant - my neighbor started trying to get pregnant and within 4 months was pregnant and I was still trying and had been trying for a year. It's like this carrot was being dangled in front of me and I reached a point where I would just do anything to get it - I wanted it more than anything. There were so many emotional things that went along with this - especially to do with placing my daughter for adoption - I also was wanting so much to be able to put some closure to that experience through being able to experience a pregnancy where you're in a committed, loving relationship - I wanted to experience being pregnant with my husband and going through everything with him, the doctor's appointments, the birthing class, the labor and delivery - my first pregnancy was pretty miserable and I labored and gave birth alone other than the nurse who came in to check on me - I wanted to replace those memories with completely different ones. I was on a major mission to get pregnant and just had to have it happen. Finally, we reached the 1 yr mark where she would do testing - we learned, not surprisingly, that we had "issues" that were preventing us from getting pregnant. My ob referred us to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who told us that based on our "issues" (we have male factor infertility), IVF ICSI was our best chance at achieving a pregnany. We signed up and felt confident it would work - I would only pay attention to the statistics that were positive because I just believed this would work for us, of course it would! It didn't. I don't know how to describe the experience of going through IVF other than I really, really hated it. I don't think I hated it then but the moment I found out I wasn't pregnant, I hated it and never wanted to go through it again. I began researching adoption at that point and had a really great friend who had just adopted (after years of infertility treatments including AI, IVF) a beautiful baby boy. Lance though wasn't ready to give up on IVF. I'll never forget our dinner conversation where it was discussed and decided that adoption wasn't our next step - Lance has hazy memories of that evening but I remember the restaurant, what we ordered, everything. I had been reading all these books about adoption and Lance and I had been talking about it (mostly me reading stuff to him and him nodding and listening to me) but we hadn't really had a heart to heart about what the next step was. At some point, I had moved beyond wanting to get pregnant and just wanted to be a mom - the path to becoming a mom wasn't as important to me as just becoming a mom - all the energy I had put into trying to get pregnant was now directed at just wanting the joy of holding my baby and knowing that some day, I'd hear the words "Mommy". Lance, for whatever reason, wasn't in the same place as me and I found that very, very, very painful to accept - it was a really miserable evening for me and I went through so many emotions and feelings that I couldn't even share them with him because I just had this overwhelming rush of things happening in my head so I just kept quiet. I was very angry though and prayed that he would change his mind at some point. So, I decided that I just couldn't handle another IVF any time soon and since Lance wasn't ready to commit to adoption - I decided to focus my energy on something else so I took the LSAT and was planning to apply to law school then work as an attorney for a few years and re-visit the IVF thing when I'm 40, hoping that by then, they'll have it all figured out and anyone who wants to get pregnant will be able to. Plans were going along well - I took the LSAT, was in the process of doing my applications and then Lance got transferred (we were living in Dallas at the time and were transferred to Seattle). I looked into the law schools in Seattle and one of them wasn't very appealing to me and the other was really, really tough to get into. I had decent LSAT scores but not good enough (I felt) to get into UW. We moved to Seattle, I found a short term job and Lance & I had another heart to heart baby discussion and we found a great RE here and attempted our 2nd IVF. This one was worse than the first one. I don't know what the deal was but either the experience of it or the hormones or something turned me into this person I didn't even know - I was totally, totally miserable and paranoid and impossible to be around but in a way, I felt like Lance deserved all the craziness I was causing him because after all, I was only going through this for him, my heart was completely not into it. I got the call at the end of June 2002 that I wasn't pregnant (no suprise) and that doctor (bless her soul) scheduled a sort of de-briefing appointment with us soon after. It was awesome - she told us that she wouldn't really recommend that we continue with IVF/infertility treatments as I just didn't respond well. Those were the best words I ever heard and I guess they were the words Lance needed to hear because when we went home and talked about what would come next - he was open to moving forward with adoption. He wasn't gung-ho on it but he was supportive so I put things in motion. The book that really helped me through his lack of enthusiasm was called "An Empty Lap" by Jill Smowlowe. It was the true story of their infertility and adoption journey and her husband was really, really reluctant about the adoption - Lance appeared eager if you compared him with how Jill's husband was. Then, at the end of the story - they adopt a little girl from China and her husband just completely adores and loves, etc etc etc their daughter - it gave me the hope I needed to know that someone can change. It's not that Lance didn't want to adopt (to be honest, he was never very enthusiastic about all the stuff we went through to get pregnant), he just would tell me that he didn't share my urgent need to be a parent but that he knew he did want to be a parent...someday....I was just kind of accelerating things. Well, when Lance landed at the Austin, Tx airport (Kayleigh was born in Austin - I actually was in Dallas when we got the call so I flew first from Dallas to Austin and Lance joined me later that evening, he flew from Seattle to Austin), whatever reluctance, etc he had was completely gone - he was so extremely eager to see and meet Kayleigh (I had already met her) and asked me a million questions about her. We went to the hospital together and he held her and wouldn't put her down and wouldn't let me hold again - he said I'd already had my time with her before he got there. They bonded instantly and now....well, the 2 are extremely close. One of the many things he has said about Kayleigh that really sticks in my mind is one evening, he thanked me for being so persistent about becoming parents and he said he never knew how much he needed her. Anyway, kind of veered off the subject of IVF but I guess in a way, it all sort of goes together. So... my thoughts about IVF - well, I've said so many times to Lance that if someone could have shown me a crystal ball (before we did IVF) and said, "here is your little girl Kayleigh - this is the daughter you will have", I would have never, ever, ever gone through what I went through - I wouldn't have done IVF, I wouldn't have put my life on hold like I did because really, for the 4'ish years we were either trying to get pregnant or trying to adopt, my life was completely revolved around becoming a mommy - I couldn't/didn't enjoy anything - it was all I thought about and the only thing I wanted. But...there are no crystal balls so I guess I would say that all that had to happen for us to get to where we are now. I am so grateful though that we never did achieve a pregnancy because I'm not sure I would have been able to let my original fairy tale go as easily as I did. I watched this thing recently on Oprah - Brooke Shields was on there talking about her IVF experiences and how she got pregnant once and miscarried and so it just became this obsession with her - she knew she had gotten pregnant once so if she did it once, she could do it again so she just kept trying again and again and again (I think her baby was the 7th IVF they did?). I have a feeling I would have been like that. Getting the closure I needed from the last RE we saw was such a blessing - it was what I needed to hear and it helped me so much change my mind set about how one becomes a mom - it allowed me to embrace adoption the way it should be. I'm also very thankful that Lance and I had also discussed very early on that we didn't want to be one of those couples who spend $50,000 & years and years on infertility treatments. We had set a time and expense limit which was good to do before starting the infertility treatments because I think it helped keep us in check. We absolutely didn't want to spend more than 5 years trying to have a baby - as it turned out, it was almost exactly 5 years from the day we started trying until the day Kayleigh came home....in a way, I don't think that was a coincidence. Each IVF was around $7,000 and to me the risk associated with it (the risk of becoming parents versus not becoming parents) was high. Adoption, although each attempt is significantly more than an IVF attempt has a much lower risk (again, in terms of becoming a parent versus not becoming a parent...and again, this is all my own "analysis" so to speak). Adoption seemed a sure thing to me - eventually, we would be able to become parents whereas we could spend the rest of our lives doing IVF and it may never be successful. I had just decided that I wanted to be a mom so much more than I wanted to not be a mom or to deal with all the uncertainty that goes with IVF...and so adoption at the time we did it was so totally the right thing for us and the life I have today with Kayleigh as my daughter just soooo totally blows that other fairy tale of being pregnant out of the water - I can't imagine anything better than being her mom. She and I and Lance were all just meant for each other, -Lisa

For me, it all came down to I just wanted to be a mom and the only way I could see that ever happening was through adoption. I knew there were risks, I was afraid of the risks but I also knew that my life would never be complete and whole and happy without the wonderful experience of hearing someone call me mommy and being able to witness the miracle of our precious angel growing up and experiencing their own life. To me, continuing down the path of infertility treatments (we did 2 IVFs) just seemed far more risky than adoption - I knew there were no guarantees with adoption but I believed deep in my heart that through adoption, I would become a mom. I never had that belief while we were doing our in-vitro's. I just sort of jumped in to adoption and hoped I'd be carried to a "happily ever after" through my faith and belief that this was what I was supposed to be doing - I didn't question it once we made the decision to do it - I believed so strongly that I was supposed to be doing it and that I would be a mommy....and I am and my life, now that Kayleigh is here, feels like it's finally started - I now think of everything in my life as before Kayleigh and after Kayleigh and it just doesn't feel like my life had begun until Kayleigh arrived to share it with me. Being her mother has surpassed any and all expectations of what I thought it would feel like. Oh yes, some of the things I did before "jumping in" in order to get to the decision to adopt is: 1) Found out about Abrazo through a friend of my moms whose daughter had adopted through Abrazo and had a wonderful experience which she honestly shared with me (there were a couple ups and downs but the thing she said that really stuck with me and made me believe I had to work with this agency is how much integrity they have - they are very honest and truthful almost to the point of being blunt at times but you always know where you stand and where they stand on things) 2) Read, read, read everything I could get my hands on pertaining to adoption 3) Had a friend who had adopted before us and learned everything I possibly could about her experience and also, was her friend while they were still going through infertility treatments so I saw what that did to her and then was friends with her during the waiting and then after her son arrived home and how happy that made her so I thought to myself..."this is what I want and this is how I want it to happen" 4) Talked to other people I came in contact with who had adopted to learn about their adoption experience As for those "unknowns", well - there were a lot of those in our case (when we received the call that Kayleigh had been born - we were given all the information that Abrazo had at that time which basically was that a little girl had been born the night before and her birthmother was a senior in high school and had no pre-natal care. We had to make the decision to say yes or no based on almost nothing to go on (including how much everything would tally up to (medical bills, etc) once all was said and done. How did I know to say yes (I didn't even call my husband to tell him - I said yes without even speaking to him and it was going to be his problem to deal with if he disagreed, that's how much I knew this was the "one") - well, a little voice inside my head said, "this is the one" and I listened. I don't know how else to describe it - I just felt so strongly that something/someone was guiding me in all that and I had such a peace that I was supposed to say yes. Of course, it helped that there were all these little signs - 1) Kayleigh was born on my mom & sisters' birthdays and she was also born 18 minutes after my grand-mother had passed away 2) Kayleigh's birthmother was a senior in high school and had dreams of going to college (which is a big reason why she placed) and I was a senior in high school and had big dreams of going to college when I placed my daughter for adoption 3) Kayleigh's birthmother was the youngest of 3 girls...I'm the youngest of 3 girls (4) I had just flown to Dallas from Seattle the evening I got the call from Abrazo and one of the requirements Kayleigh's birthmother/birth grand-parents had placed on the adoption was that the parents would need to be able to be at the hospital the next day when Kayleigh was supposed to be dishcharged (they didn't want her going into foster care). Had I not been in Dallas (Kayleigh was in Austin), I don't know we could have met that requirement because they weren't going to decide on the adoption agency they were going to work with until the next day and I doubt we could have gotten a flight to Austin on such short notice. Lots and lots of little signs I felt telling me this was it! -Lisa

Hi Angie, I agree with Sherrie's response. I remember those questions too (and if I remember correctly, there was just one line or maybe 2 to write your response) and trying to think of every possible thing I could/would feel comfortable with and things I couldn't/wouldn't. Just be honest and try not to overanalyze it (as you say) or you'll never finish your application. In the end, I think we said something similar to Sherrie's response and in my mind I was thinking, "oh my gosh, what if they don't call us about a case because I put something here and maybe that child was meant to be with us...." I just wanted to be contacted and given the option to decide at that time whether or not something was or wasn't something we felt we could handle....because I'm such a major "gut feeling" kind of person - I may feel one way but until you're actually faced with it, you just never know. Lisa

I guess I want to try somehow to try to shed a little light on the birthmother on the Dr. Phil show. He used the words stalk - I do agree she crossed the line but I sort of cringe every time he said she stalked her birthson. For someone who placed their child in a closed adoption that didn't realize there was another option out there (i.e. open adoption) so they actually didn't want the kind of situation a closed adoption presents - it is EXTREMELY difficult to manage the thoughts and feelings and curiousity you continually have over your child. I don't think I can even explain it here - and I don't want to come across as defending her but I guess what concerns me a bit is that someone may think that birthmothers in closed adoptions who try to find their child and find out how they're doing are stalkers. I think there was an angle presented on the Dr. Phil show that emphasized her obesession with her birthson and to the audience, it came across exactly how the producers of the show wanted it to, someone on here said something about "the shock factor" with regard to this show and the lack of mention of the birthmother in the open adoption (Amanda). I think they were also going for shock factor on her story as well. Again, I agree she crossed the line by continually trying to contact him but I can also see where she is coming from. What she said (and Dr. Phil quickly dismissed this and moved on to other things) was that she needed to hear from her son directly that he didn't want to have contact with her. Once he told her that directly (through a letter), she claims she stopped everything. At least that's how I heard things. She did go to his football games, she did call, send him letters, even sent him a picture of him that she took when she went to his football game (that was a little creepy to me), she left him her business card when she went to his game, etc etc etc. From what I understood, she stopped all this once he told her he wanted nothing to do with her. I think some people have better self-control than others - thankfully, I so far have managed to suppress my curiousity and just hope that someday, I will meet my birthdaughter and find out that everything is okay with her (and of course, I'd love for more than that to happen but just knowing she's healthy, happy, and had a good life and to see what she looks like would satisfy this extreme curiousity I have about her. The thing is, for me (and I think other birthmothers in closed adoptions where there's no contact or information) I struggle with whether I'm a weirdo or not for having these thoughts and feelings - sometimes, I would like to hire a private investigator to find her and take a picture of her just so I could see what she looks like. Noone has any idea how much it would do for me just to see what she looks like. So, to some - that may sound like stalking, especially if her parents didn't give permission for me to do that. But - it's natural (I think) for the person who gave birth to a child to want to know what that child looks like. So, then I think well, maybe I'm not such a weirdo because what mother doesn't want to know (this is why I struggle so much with Kayleigh's birthmother not wanting pictures - that baffles me!) However, there's a more rational side of me who says to me that hiring a private investigator to take a picture (she's only 16) is a little on the weird side so I know I won't do it. What will I do? I know I won't go find her when she's 18, or even 20 or even early 20s if she hasn't already found me (I've signed a mutual consent registry so if she wants to find me, it should be pretty easy for her to do once she's 18). I've read that this is one of the worst times in a child's life for a birthparent to search for them because at that age, they have so much going on in their lives and it just is a little overwhelming and I probably wouldn't be welcomed in her or her parents life. If she hasn't found me by the time she's 30, I will probably search and do whatever it takes to find her and write her a letter. If she doesn't respond, I will respect that but if I'm honest, I must say that I will probably hire someone to take a picture of her so that I will know what she looks like. I certainly wouldn't send it to her though nor would I want her to know I did that. Anyway, not to ramble on about it but I just don't think it's possible to understand the damage a closed adoption can do to someone's life and their well-being and sadly their sense of self. There have certainly been times when I've just become completely obsessed with wanting to know my daughter's name but it eventually passes and I go back to just accepting that I don't know what it is and will just have to wait. So, the closed adoption birthmother on the Dr. Phil show may actually be considered a stalker by most people's standards but to me, she is just someone who got pregnant as a teenager, placed her child for adoption in a closed/confidential adoption only because she didn't know there was anything else out there and also, because back when she placed...most birthmothers didn't even have a voice and were so shamed by everything they just went along with what the people told them to do, and now is haunted by her decision, to a point where she can't control her strong desire/ need to know her birthson and to have a place in his life so she went a over the edge and probably ruined any chance she may have had if she would have waited until he was older and more mature. Now, he and his parents think she's a complete nutcase (which she may be??) and will certainly stay very far away from her regardless of how sincere her intentions were.

Oh shoot! I missed it. I don't watch Dr. Phil (I'm NOT a Dr. Phil fan - can't stand him) but wanted to see the update on him. I did tune in to the first 2 updates they did (beause of Jennifer's post that he'd be doing adoption updates) and got disgusted with the 2nd update so I turned it off. Here's what bugged me (like anyone cares). The first lady on there was a birthmother who is now 35, placed when she was 16 and she has this very strong need to have a presence in her son's life...so much so that she sort of crossed the line (at least that's how it was presented on Dr. Phil but who knows). Anyway, he's telling her that she is not his mother (true, I'll agree with that), the adoptive mom is his mother (yep, I agree with that) and it's his adoptive mom's perogative (I never spell that right) to deny her to have contact with her son (not so sure I go with that - he's 18 so I think it's actually his decision, not hers but whatever). The son asked her to not contact him any more (which she hasn't) and she's just trying to figure out now how to move on (if she ever gets that answer, I'd love to know for me too! Do birthmothers ever move on?) So - don't have a huge problem with that although he just seemed to talk down to her or something even though he kept insisting he "appreciates her emotions". Spare me! This is what bugged me. So - the birthmother, not his mom. Fine. Then - he goes on to do an update on a couple who had matched with a birthmother then she changed her mind...I think after she had the baby. He started off by saying, "now here's something I have a really hard time getting my head around" or something like that then goes on to introduce the story, etc. It's like he acted like the birthmother that changed her mind (who actually, technically is NOT a birthmother yet - she is the MOTHER! She hasn't signed anything, relinquished her rights - she's no different from any other mother other than she feels as though adoption is best for her child/her.) doesn't have the right to do that - like she isn't the mother. I was like, hey wait a minute - the adoptive mom is the mom. The birthmother who placed the little boy isn't the mom. But the expectant mother who hasn't actually placed her baby yet isn't a mom - like he totally disses her for changing her mind! This is the problem with certain agencies, attorneys, and people! Will this mindset ever go away? I won't lie and say I wasn't praying like a crazy woman when I was waiting to find out whether or not Kayleigh's birthmother had signed her papers or not. But! It is 100% her right to change her mind - so had she done so, I would not have hated her for it or even questioned her decision to do so. Would I have been devastated? Oh my gosh yes, beyond belief - it would have traumatized me in a big way. But - as long as a birthmother enters into a match with every intention of placing her baby for adoption then later changes her mind - that is okay to do (I'm not so in agreement with when a birthmother is unsure, goes ahead and matches all the while being uncertain about her decision but never tells anyone then changes her mind - to me, that's a little misleading - if in doubt, I think they should wait or at least be up front about their uncertainty). Oh yes, then - at the end of their update (which was very touching - I"m very happy for them) not a peep about how Amanda, the birthmother is doing. Ugh! Hello! WHO made this happy little family even possible? It's like HE took all the credit! I don't think ole Dr. Phil was in hard labor pushing out a huge baby feeling like he was about to die. Nope - all he did was air a TV show which gave that couple and the birthmother a chance to hook up - to me, the true hero in that story is the birthmother for coming forward and opening her heart to these people and by having the strength to place her child for adoption - she even said, "You're a Mommy!" to the adoptive mom right after she gave birth. That takes courage! Okay - off my soapbox - that probably doesn't even make sense it just seemed to me like he was talking out both sides of his mouth. No more Dr. Phil for me - I'll stick with Oprah! Lisa

Hi Lauren, I also would encourage you to give them a call and speak to someone there - they could answer your questions in a flash. Their number is 1-210-342-5683 Welcome to the forum and best of luck to you on your move to the US. Lisa

Congratulations to the newest parents of 2005! What a heart-warming story. Our Kayleigh was born the same day my paternal grand-mother passed away, just 18 minutes after she left this earth. There is something very special and very significant about that sort of thing - as if God himself is with you right at that moment in time, just reminding you how much He cares and loves you. Best wishes to you and your new family and to those incredibly special birthparents. -Lisa

I'm already talking about grand-children - I can't wait for Kayleigh to be old enough to have children, and I hope and pray she wants lots of them!- I want lots and lots and lots and the closer we live, the better! It will be a magical moment for me to see Kayleigh as a mom, whether it's through adoption or biological or whatever! (Granted, I'm assuming Kayleigh will even want to have children, let's hope so!) I think it's something most parents do look forward to.....To see her feel the love for her child that I feel for her - just becoming a mom myself has helped me so much to see and understand better my mom and how she feels about me - the love you feel for a child is truly overwhelming and until you have one, it's just so hard to describe.

Well, once I got past the language used by the writer of the article (ugh! what an idot! sorry but they even quote Adam Pertman as saying something about a birthmother "placing" her child for adoption and then it seems like every other word you read in there is about the birthmother "giving up" her baby...hello - did they not clue in to what is and isn't appropriate to say? that article was full of language that bugged me)... Anyway - the overall content of the article was very interesting and seemed to me to be saying basically everything you guys (at Abrazo) have been saying since we started working with y'all 2 1/2 yrs ago. Thanks for the link. -Lisa