linlacor

Bumping up this topic for any new birthmothers - my 5/23/06 post has a link to a site called "Birthmom Buds" that looks neat (in my opinion) and may provide much needed support during a time when you may need it. -Lisa

Oh this is such a timely post! My niece, her husband and their super cute 9 month old (very active, crawling, etc) have been staying at my sister's house for the past couple of weeks before they move to Virginia. My sister's house is semi-childproof (from the days of when I would visit with Kayleigh when she was into everything) but she has a brick hearth around her fireplace (and Drew is pulling up on everything he can reach) and has a marble coffee table, etc etc etc - there just seems to be so many things he can get hurt on - although, the stairs and kitchen are gated off (thanks to the gates left over from Kayleigh's exploring days) so at least the biggies are out of his range. Anyway, the other day, my mom and I went for a visit and everyone was on watch and keeping him safe from the scary sharp, hard things he could get hurt on....my sister, my nephew, niece-in-law, nephew-in-law, niece, mom, me, even Kayleigh was doing her part to keep Drew safe...anyway, when we were driving home, my mom - in a very exasperated voice said, "I don't know why they don't get a playpen and just keep him in a playpen with some toys! That's what we used to do with you girls and it sure was a lot easier that way - I could get things done...etc etc etc" I just laughed at her and said, "Uh mom...playpens are wayyyy a thing of the past - noone does that anymore - the thinking now is that part of the learning occurs when the child is allowed to explore and touch everything, etc - it's just really important to make sure everything is child-proofed so they can't get hurt, etc etc etc" and my mom just didn't agree - she kept saying - but Drew was just into everything, they need a playpen! I was trying to explain to her that while that may sound like a solution, I highly doubted that Drew would stay in a playpen (even with a few toys) because he's never been confined to a playpen before and would think he's in some sort of baby jail. She never did get it - she just kept saying, "Well, that's what I did with you girls and you all turned out okay" etc etc etc...it was a comical conversation - my mom is usually pretty good about all the changes that have happened these days with kids but she sure did have that playpen idea stuck in her head. I told her that just because they did that when we were kids didn't mean it was a good thing - they also didn't use car seats for children/babies when I was little but that doesn't mean we should do that now! -Lisa

Hi Amanda, I love it that you posted on here!!!! I can imagine how much that post meant to Cliff and Allison and one day, will to Baby Cliff too when he's old enough to read for himself how awesome his birthmother is and how happy you are with your decision in choosing Cliff and Allison to be his parents. You just have no idea how much you have changed their lives - they will never be the same people now after meeting you and welcoming you into their hearts - never, ever forget how special you are and never forget the incredibly special and unique role you will always have in your son's life. He is so blessed to have been born to such a warm, loving person who cares so much about him and loves him so much - that comes across so much in your post! Welcome to the forum and welcome to the greater Abrazo extended family. We hope to hear from you again! Wishing you all the best, Lisa

Hooray!!! You're no LONGER waiting for your baby!!!! And we're no LONGER having to wait for your special announcement!!! Congratulations to the happy family who probably have the LONGEST string of posts related to their announcement than anyone else in forum history!!!! -Lisa

I just noticed that Stork Central was logged on - and I got butterflies!!! False Alarm though - when I checked their profile, it said they were reading board index (which means they're not in the Baby Announcement section). This is taking too LONG!!!!! -Lisa

I just wanted to add my congratulations to Dan, Erika, Danny, & Matthew!!! I have been so touched by so many of your posts and especially your story and updates on Danny - I am so happy to know that Danny will have yet one more person who will always know and value what a special guy he is and will love him like a brother should be loved! I'm so happy he's a big brother! My nephew is 21 and was/is a special needs guy - he has autism but not like the type that one thinks of when they think of Rainman, etc - Jared has no speech and wears adult diapers and with some foods, still needs to be fed (and will always let you feed him if you don't insist on him feeding himself). He flaps his arms and shakes his head back and forth a lot and has always had behaviors that people found odd - we dealt with lots of stares during the past 21 years (his brother would always stare back ), he makes noises and likes to clap and hop repeatedly. He often reverts to his "world" where he laughs and seems to have no idea that anyone is even around - but - he lights up when he sees his brother and sister and I've never seen siblings love and care about their sibling more than I do with Chad & Meredith and how they feel about Jared - he has taught all of us so much and given us insight to a life we would have never known had he not been different from most people - This relationship that will grow between your boys will have a profound impact on both their lives - parents are awesome but there is just such a special connection between siblings that nothing compares to. Just yesterday, my sister (I have 2) had doctor's appointments to find out the results of her "every 4 month" body scan, blood work, blah blah blah to make sure she still shows no sign of cancer - my mom went with her to the appointment and about an hour after her appt., my other sister called me and asked "Have you heard from Stacy yet?" and I was like, "No, maybe I'll call Buzz - hang on (Buzz is STacy's husband of 28 years). I called Buzz, no - he hadn't heard from her yet but she had 2 doctor's appts and it could take awhile. Shortly after, Debbie (my other sister) said "hold on, my phone is beeping" and she clicked over and said "IT'S STACY!!! SHE'S STILL OKAY!!!" and (I'm crying as I type this) all I could think was oh my gosh - she called us before she even called her husband - she called her sisters (Debbie even asked her if she had called Buzz yet and she wanted us to be the first to know "we're stuck with her for a little while longer" (her words). I just can't say enough about sibling relationships - how fortunate that Danny and Matthew will have one another and you will be witness to a beautiful thing - and little Matthew couldn't have arrived in any better timing - what a blessing from God. Bless you guys - and my heartfelt congratulations! And not to overshadow by the sibling thing being so great how thrilled you guys are about being new parents again - I know that's a HUGE thing too (trust me, I'm right behind ya on that one! I can't WAIT until I have an announcement like yours!) Lisa

woo hoo!!! Adoptive Families magazine just rocks!!! (almost as much as the Abrazo forum!) So, they also have a link where you can post comments/letters to them and they'll publish the "best" ones. And...they have a link where you can read the "best" comments. Here are the 2 links: Weighing in on the gender preference debate..... Adoptive Families Magazine Reader Responses to the gender debate -Lisa

Yahoo! I finally found a link to the Adoptive Families magazine article called Daughters in Demand, I have been searching high and low for it and thank goodness for Google! This was in the April 2006 edition of Adoptive Families magazine and the article outlines (an excellent job I might add) the big debate of gender preference in the adoption community (and this is what led me to the conclusion that the only way this debate will be resolved is if more agencies not allow/support gender preference): "Given a choice, many parents prefer to adopt girls. But should parents be allowed to select their child's sex? And how does the desire for daughters affect the adoption community - and the children themselves?" By Lisa Milbrand And in case the link breaks, I'm including the text below, quoted from Adoptive Families magazine - it is just too relevant to this discussion to exclude.

I have thought about this a great deal as well - being a birthmother who had "more than one possibility" with regards to my birth-daughter's father (ugh - I still hate to admit that one - guess that's why it took me 17 years before I was ready to tell anyone this...not even my birthdaughter knows at this point, the topic of birthfather was about the only thing I omitted from the letter I recently wrote her) - I know how "easy" it is to give birth to an ethnicity other than what you've told everyone (because it is so embarassing to admit that you weren't monogomous and easier to just pray you were right in your calculations)....I do think this is a little bit different than the gender thing though because if a couple who is only open to a full Anglo baby, matches with a birthmother who has said she is going to deliver a full Anglo baby and then, the baby is born and it obviously isn't a full Anglo baby - then, there was a breach of trust already from the adoptive parents perspective (believe me...a lot, a lot, a lot of thought goes into those other boxes ticked concerning ethnicity - at least it did for us and to suddenly be faced with something we would completely be unprepared for, well, I just have no idea how we'd react - I would like to think we would go with the flow and not turn our backs on the child but I guess noone ever knows how they would react in a situation unless you're faced with it (I learned that when I found out I was pregnant the first time, I never imagined I'd place a baby for adoption until I actually stepped into those shoes). But - again, it comes back to the best interests of the child - the innocent child has done nothing other than be born and be in need of a accepting, unconditional loving home - so, for those parents who just can't find it in their hearts to be more open minded on ethnicity - what do you do about that (I know - this is an entirely different subject but as I've tried to make sense of the gender thing - this is definitely something I've thought of). Noone ever said Adoption was easy and it just introduces so many other variables that people who can just get pregnant never have to consider or worry about. Drug exposure is another thing - if there are families who are not comfortable with a drug exposed baby and a birthmother has not been truthful about her pre-natal experiences and a baby is born and tests positive for drug exposure, not sure if anyone has ever walked away like that, I wouldn't think so??? But then, we're comfortable with drug exposure so it's hard for me to relate to anyone who isn't (just as it's hard for others to relate to us in our gender thing). But anyway - I think you just have to decide on this issue what you feel is right in your own values and heart and base the policy on that - because whatever you believe in will be much easier to stick to and counsel/educate than doing something that isn't in your heart. You could have decided that Abrazo would work with couples who are only comfortable with Semi-Open adoptions based on the same argument (is it right to deny a child a home just because of parental beliefs?) but you believed that Open adoption was the only way to go and you have built the most amazing agency who do such an outstanding job of advocating on behalf of open adoption - think of all the people who came to you sort of on the fence with open adoption and yet now, they are some of the most vocal supporters of open adoption and its benefits - had they fallen into the hands of an agency who isn't so committed to open adoption, they would have never known how strongly they truly feel about open adoption - or, if y'all wouldn't have been so diligent about preaching open adoption, these people would have never known otherwise and we wouldn't be as far along in the open adoption movement. The great thing about being "the boss" is you get to call the shots (well, with the support & input of your Board I hope ) So, as hard as it is to "lose" beloved clients - that just goes with the territory and anyway, I don't think you guys ever lose a client - just because all of a family's babies aren't Abrazo babies doesn't mean they're ostracized from the Abrazo family....but anyway, as with anything - I think going with your instinct/heart is always the best way to go - it's worked for us (so far). -Lisa

I thought of another suggestion although I'm not sure how it would work either but here goes.... For families who have specified a very strong gender preference, (i.e. they are not willing to consider adopting any other gender - therefore are not really eligible to match with an expectant mother) - what if their profiles are made available to BOG birthmothers but only after all other profiles have also been shown to the birthmother and she has not found a family with which to match (either due to other preferences on the part of the prospective adoptive couples (race, drug exposure, legal risk, medical/legal fees, etc) or due to the birthmother's preferences (i.e. she just doesn't see any profiles she feels a connection with)? Ultimately though, you and Gabriela make a very relevant point that it's not really the gender that poses the biggest problem, it's how a family handles a surprise and so as Gabriela points out, if prospective parent(s) are open to "going with the flow" either way, then I think stating a preference really doesn't present a problem (although I'm thinking your original post/question was more to do with those couples who aren't as flexible??? Anyway, just some additional thoughts I had. Lisa

Well, obviously I have had direct, personal experience with this and I'll share my thoughts - not sure I really have any solutions. Personally, I think Abrazo (or all agencies for that matter) need to determine if they are in support of gender preference/specification or if they're not (regardless of the reasons and what you're attempting to avoid happening (i.e. dumping a birthmother once the sono reveals the "wrong" gender). If an agency isn't in support of gender preference/specification - then I think it is in the best interest of everyone involved to not only discourage gender preference/specification but disallow it completely (at least for the full-service program). If this is something you are in support of, then it's worthwhile looking at options on how you as an agency can find something that works for everyone (although you'll never be able to please everyone). I think to not allow gender specification is a perfectly valid policy to have if it is what is in your heart. There was an Adoptive Families magazine article not long ago (cover story I believe) about the gender preference/specification debate and it's a pretty big one these days in the adoption community. The only way this will ever end (for the most part) is if agencies put in place policies that don't allow it (just like Abrazo has an open adoption only policy). People may gripe and people may find other agencies who do not have such policies in place but are those really clients you want to be working with in the first place (because you'll find yourself forever in disagreement on the matter). Sure, there will be those who try to find a way around the policy and who just hope for the gender they have a preference for and will turn down cases or back-out of matches if things don't work out as they were hoping...but, that also happens with the open adoption policy - there are always those who just say what you want to hear in order to be accepted into Abrazo's program because they've heard great things about the experience - and figure that open adoption thing is no big deal - they can agree to that (but really have no intentions of doing so). I can completely understand the fairness (or not fairness) of the situation with those who don't have gender specifications and trying to balance the BOG to be a truly random occurence - so honestly, my suggestion would be to just not allow for gender preference specification - people can share that they have a preference, provided they're open to adopting another gender (because having a gender preference is common...even among people who are pregnant - I've met my share of expecting mothers who say, "What I want most of all is to have a healthy baby but we'd really love to have our first child be a little boy") but making sure that it's very clear what Abrazo can and can't do with regards to accommodating the preference (probably not the best word to use but it's late for me and I'm trying to make this a brief post). Just my 2 cents - although I'd love to see other suggestions on here - I just hope that whatever happens, it's the same for everyone (i.e. that some gender preferences are worked with and others aren't) Thanks for opening this up Elizabeth and really giving this a lot of thought and consideration - and by asking for others' input - that's very much an "Abrazo Way" which is what makes y'all so unique and special and awesome! Just in closing (I had a couple more thoughts after re-reading your original post on Elaine's quote) - what we have learned through our experience is the only case where you can ethically (if that's even appropriate but I'll leave the debate on whether specifying a gender is or isn't ethical for another topic) is where a baby has already been born - so, either a BOG or an infant/toddler/child already being parented. I think educating prospective parents on this the moment they indicate they have a preference (to make sure everyone is on the same page in terms of how limited their preference is) is to everyone's benefit and if they realize that their preference is more than just a preference, then as we were advised - they need to consider an infant/toddler adoption rather than a newborn adoption. Also, I'm thinking you probably have these situations more in cases with "Againers" than those who are adopting/hoping to parent for the first time...we had a strong girl preference the first time but our desire to hurry up and become parents outweighed our preference for a daughter. This time, however - we feel we have more time and were willing to wait as long as it took - I just wonder if there are others who had a stronger preference the 2nd time (or 3rd) than they did the first time? Not really asking that as a question although it sounds as though I am...okay, must go catch up on sleep - this worrying about my surgery is keeping me up wayyy too much! -Lisa

Dead Child's Mom Sought Discipline Tips (Sean Paddock)

Recently there have been a few articles posted on precious children who were adopted (or fostered) and either endured horrific abuse or died as a result of abuse. I thought this would be a special place to keep the memory alive for these children who are being loved in a much better place, but will also be missed here on earth and for those who have found new homes, we can honor their new lives here. -Lisa

Oh I just have chills reading that announcement - I'm always happy for everyone who finds themselves in the ranks of parenthood on here but there are always those people who just find such a special place in my heart for various reasons so it just makes me even feel happier when I hear they are officially a part of the "mom's club". I couldn't be more pleased about this placement and am so glad to read this announcement!!! What a wonderful, supportive, loving home this little one has found for herself - I can't wait to see pictures of the happy family. Someone sure has been busy answering prayers!!! Thanks!! Wishing y'all the best and hopefully you'll be cooling off on your boat soon on your "shore" - Hugs and kisses and all that sappy stuff!!! Congratulations!!! Lisa and Kayleigh (and Lance)

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen!!!!! And just to note one other thing that I find so important - I think through embracing what openness is and what it does for your child also means that what will naturally follow is to honor your child's heritage, history, identity, without interfering with it - I don't have much time to post on this - we have plans to head out in a bit but I think when you begin to really "get" open adoption (and read, read, read those books you recommend!) - then everything else along with it will just naturally fall into place - it will no longer feel forced. Woo hoo for all those involved in the Open Adoption Movement!!! (Is there a "National Open Adoption Awareness Day?" - how cool would that be?) -Lisa

Hi Elizabeth, I'm quoting another post but felt since it was a comment related to open adoption, I would follow-up here in the open adoption thread. I just wanted to make sure I'm understanding what you're saying - I think so but just wanted to double-check. Are you saying "open" from the perspective of the adoptive parents (i.e. Adoptive Parents embrace, are educated about, and believe in open adoption) or "open" from both the birthparent & adoptive parent perspective? I think what you're saying is not to move forward with an adoption unless the adoptive parents understand and appreciate the value of open adoption (regardless of how the birthparents initially (or permanently) feel about open adoption? Based on what you say "kids who are adopted deserve both honest information and access", I'm thinking you are saying the burden lies with the adoptive parents first? At least that's how I see it....in a perfect world, both the adoptive parents and birthparents would work toward having an open adoption but at very least, the adoptive parents need to be on board with that...? -Lisa

This story (Masha's story) was just one of the saddest things I ever heard - she was on Primetime or Dateline (well, her story was) some months ago - that was the first time I heard about it then Oprah had her on her show and told her story and had her mom (either foster or adoption, it sounded like it was her adoptive mom but could have been foster) on there as well. I am so glad the agency is bearing responsibility in this as well - from what it sounded like between the Primetime and Oprah is that this "agency" basically verged on the edge of child trafficking rather than adoption - but under the guise of being an adoption agency/facilitator. This is also why it is so, so, so important for anyone who is considering placing their child for adoption to make sure you are working with a reputable agency - I can not emphasize that enough. You are entrusting your child in the hands of complete strangers - you must make sure you are at the right place. In Masha's case, she was from Russia or Romania, some international adoption - I don't know what the solution is there - it's like noone is looking after the wealfare and rights of these kids from foreign countries. Shameful! I've said this before on here but when I found out I was pregnant, there had just been a lot of press on this horrible situation where this doctor or lawyer in NY had adopted (with his wife I think?) this baby girl, I believe it was a private adoption and had spent years abusing her, physically, sexually - he ended up murdering her - I think she was around 6 yrs old - I can't remember the names now but it was in all the headlines - here I was, 17 and looking to place my baby for adoption and all I could think about was what if my child was placed in the hands of a monster like that? It terrified me! So much so that it had a huge influence on why I chose Gladney - it was an agency I knew had been around for 100 years +, my aunt and uncle had adopted through Gladney and I knew they were very good people, maybe not empathetic toward birthparents but they had been loving, wonderful parents to my cousins, my sister had a neighbor who had recently adopted through Gladney and she told me all the background checks and information they had to provide in order to adopt - to me, I just felt comfortable that at least my child would be placed in a loving home who hopefully had been screened thoroughly (I knew nothing about homestudies at that time - I figured all the checks and balances were with the agency). Anyway, at that time, what they offered me (the agency) in terms of support and contact, etc was not as important as knowing that my child would be raised by good people. When I first went to see an OB/GYN after learning I was pregnant (before I went to Gladney), I remember having a visit with him in his office with my mom (after my other visit) and we talked about my decision to place my child for adoption and he told me he knew of families who would love to offer my child a wonderful home - I don't think I could have run fast enough! I knew there was no way I would place in a situation where an agency wasn't involved - that image of that little girl was too fresh in my mind - I thought (at the time) that anyone who didn't go through an agency wasn't being looked into or checked - I just figured they could just show up and say "we want to adopt a baby" and that was all they had to do. I don't know if potential birthmothers find themselves in that same situation or not - knowing very little really about adoption and the process - but at least if any find Abrazo's site, they at least have a head start on understanding their rights, things they should/can think about, etc etc etc. There's such a free exchange of information on here - it's just so awesome!!! -Lisa

This is a link to a fact sheet put together by the NAIC (National Adoption Information Clearinghouse) called Are You Pregnant and Thinking About Adoption Here is some info on what the fact sheet contains from the NAIC website: Are You Pregnant and Thinking About Adoption? Author(s): National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (HHS) Year Published: 2000 - 6 pages Written for pregnant women who are considering placing their child for adoption, this fact sheet provides practical information about adoption alternatives. It describes the benefits of counseling and reviews the different types of confidential and open adoption arrangements. Tips for working with adoption agencies, independent attorneys, and adoptive parents are included. Special considerations for babies of color also are discussed.

I stumbled onto this fact sheet on NAIC's (National Adoption Information Clearinghouse) website and thought it was beneficial for those who are just looking into open adoption and want a brief overview of what it is, its goals, etc. Wanted to share the info (click on the title of the fact sheet to view it) Openness in Adoption - A Fact Sheet for Families Author(s): National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (HHS) Availability: View Publication Printable Version (PDF - 456 KB) Year Published: 2003 - 6 pages This factsheet describes the benefits of postadoption contact with birth parents and reviews considerations for determining the degree of openness that is most appropriate for the child. It suggests that adoptive parents consult Internet websites, books, counselors, and other parents when making decisions about open adoption. The factsheet includes a chart of the advantages and disadvantages of confidential adoptions, mediated adoptions, and open adoptions.

Hey Heather, Check out this link I know when I've tried finding links on here for the books, it's not always easy - I end up going back to my Orientation binder and looking it up there. New Parent Reading Recommendations

Thought this was a great resource for anyone considering placing their child for adoption and for those who have already placed their child for adoption... Birthmom Buds -Lisa

Yep, I think I figured it out too - inquiring minds can check out page 122 of the Tots thread.... Congratulations! What a great diversion - who needs another trip to Barbados anyway, right? Yay!!! -Lisa

Woo hoo Karen! I think you just spoke for just about every prospective adoptive parent on the face of this earth! Unless someone is just so up on every study and every expert view relating to adoption and its evolution - I think most every Joe Blow out there who comes to adoption as the sole means of building their family (i.e. due to infertility) comes with some very basic ideas and thoughts on it - hence, this is why I think every family pursuing adoption as a means of building their family should ALWAYS go the agency route (and make sure its a darn good agency too, not just one in the "business of babies") because where you go from those early days (in terms of your views/outlooks) is so dependent on the foundation you build your views/outlooks on. Bravo for taking that brave step and admitting that most of us are NOT the best open adoption role models in the beginning but just because we don't start out that way, doesn't mean we can't make some huge progress toward that over the course of our journey. I too had some entitlement issues in the very beginning - when we first contacted Abrazo - I was coming from the perspective that I had already given one child to another family and wouldn't be her parent and by darn if I was going to share that role with a birthmother with my next child. I've come a looooong way since then and now, I know better - so I do better. Just goes to show - you can teach an old dog new tricks (if you have a really good teacher!) -Lisa