linlacor
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Posts posted by linlacor
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Hi Lauren,
You are soooo kind!!! Thank you so much - I would love for Kayleigh to have a sort of Auntie/Uncle who also share her heritage/roots. I think I've posted this on here before but I feel Kayleigh was priviliged to have been born Jewish - not many people can say they are of Jewish heritage and the last thing I want to have happen is for her to lose that connection (although I'm doing a lousy job at the moment of establishing the connection too, I've yet to contact our local Rabbi to look into sharing Sader (I think I spelled that right) with another family in the area (on the recommendation of a friend of a friend who is Jewish (but lives in Chicago, I met her while she was visiting our mutual friend who was gracious enough to arrange for Ellyn and I to meet and spend some time talking because she knew how important it is to me to honor Kayleigh's birth heritage). Anyway, I think I haven't done it because I just find it so intimidating - not really knowing what to say, how to say it - and the fact that we're not Jewish (but also very open and interested in learning other cultures and traditions - especially those shared by our daughter's birth relatives) I am just very self-conscious about making that call - so hopefully I'll get the nerve up again after chatting with you more. Also, Elizabeth posted something on here and it really let the wind out of my sails - it said something about how the Jewish community didn't necessarily view children as Jewish unless their parents are practicing Judaism (or something like that - I'm sure I got that all wrong as I'm relying on my frazzled memory but I do remember it said something contradictory to what everyone else had told me about the Jewish community). I consider Kayleigh Jewish - she may not currently practice the Jewish religion (yet! I have hopes that if we establish some connections now within the Jewish community, she'll find her place and be drawn to that part of her identity and choose to honor it as well (and maybe, she'll even marry someone Jewish someday and really feel a connection and will learn from his family and their children will be raised Jewish and......... - okay, I'm getting ahead of myself - Lance just rolls his eyes when I start going down that path - he says, "Lisa - she's still wearing pull-ups at night! Can you please not talk about marrying her off & grand-kids yet?" But anyway - to me, her roots are sooooo cool - there is just sooooooo much history and depth with regard to Judaism - and I just want to make sure that she doesn't lose that through being adopted by parents who aren't Jewish - granted, her birthfamily, from my understanding are non-practicing but still, I'm sure there are just some fundamental things that they do based on their Jewish background that we don't do - so, anyway...I'll get off my soapbox - and basically just wanted to say thanks so much for your offer and I will take you up on that - I find it especially cool that you guys will share the adoption connection with her as well.
As for your concerns - well, I can see where you're coming from - Lance and I do not go to church and I was a nervous nelly about whether or not anyone would choose us since we don't attend church and don't have plans to take our children to church (grand-mothers may have other plans...but anyway - that's just something about us)...I felt like birthparents would consider us heathens (which we're not - we're just not into church)...anyway, I didn't put much emphasis on that in our profile - didn't even mention church to be honest and what I've found is that the 3 birthparents who chose us, also did not attend church on a regular basis - so, it didn't seem to be a big deal to them and I worried for no reason. My bigger concern, actually was my weight - I was nervous that a birthparent was looking for a Barbie and Ken to adopt their baby and Lance and I just don't quite fit that profile - well, as you can see - I'm on my third match at the moment and none of them seemed too bothered by the fact that I'm not Jennifer Aniston's twin. So....as everyone will say - there is a right birthparent for everyone - just be completely honest and truthful about yourself, your lifestyle, your interests, etc and it will make the right match even more right because you will find that you and that person really click and share many similarities (the first birthmother we were matched with, even asked me during our initial phone call how we would respond to our child if they came to us and told us they wanted to explore other religions...the fact that we are so open minded about religions and interested in learning about other religions was viewed as a plus to her - she was looking for a very open minded couple).
See you very soon!
Lisa
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Hi Andrea,
Just wanted to give you a big huge welcome to the forum and soooooo happy you found your way to Abrazo!!! Looking forward to following your journey and hope to meet you soon someday!
Wishing you the best and wishing Charlie a very Happy Homecoming Day!!!
Lisa
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webmaster,
can we possibly move these unrelated topics cocerning open adoption, etc to a more apprpriate thread so we can discuss these thoughts in a more suitable location than where amanda updates us on her life?
thanks,
lisa
i'd love to share my thoughts on the subject [as abirthmother in a closed adoption] but don't feel this is the thread to do it.
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Hi Cathy,
I don't know that I'll be much help but I can share with you (and anyone else who is trying to decide between the two) what ultimately helped me/us decide to do a domestic adoption rather than international (this was before we had even attempted our first IVF cycle though so we weren't even sure we'd be doing adoption but we did make the decision at that point (after lots of research) that if we did go the adoption route, we would do domestic.
The main reason we decided to do domestic was that it was SO important to me to have a newborn - and I knew that the best case scenario if we went international was a 6 month old baby and that was really rare (I think) - it was likely the child would be at least 12 months old. So, we decided to do a domestic adoption. Now, my reasons would be quite different - I can't imagine doing an international adoption but at least now when someone tells me they're considering an international adoption, I can smile and say "Good for you! I wish you all the best" rather than how I used to feel about it. I guess like so many things with adoption, there are many decisions to make that are unique and personal to the person who is making it.
For example - your concern about drug use by a birthparent - not sure if you were aware of this but there are many, many adoptive parents (us included) that are open to adopting a baby who has been drug exposed and have very few concerns (rightfully so) about the effects of drug abuse on a child. I'm not saying that all drug exposed babies don't have any special needs - I'm just saying that we are aware that just because a baby was exposed to drugs in utero, it doesn't mean they will have special needs or be less intelligent or more hyperactive or etc etc etc than a child who was not exposed to drugs. I'm also not saying we are thrilled about the idea of drug exposure but to us, it's just not one of the things that concern us. Personally, I would be much more concerned about adopting a child who has been in an orphanage type situation and has not received one on one care (i.e. if I ever WERE to adopt international, I would adopt from Korea (based on my limited knowledge of international adoption) because they seem to have this down well and also, from what I understand, the child is cared for by a foster parent from the time they're born until they're placed with their new family - and they pretty much wear the child on their back (I'm into attachment parenting so that scored major brownie points with me) and sleep with their children, etc etc etc - I just thought it sounded like a great experience and it would be the only country I think I would feel comfortable with adopting a child from.
I have a neighbor who adopted twin girls from Russia - I believe they were 2 years old when they went home with her and her husband. They have major signs of RAD (reactive attachment disorder - which is the result of not having basic needs met during their first 2 years of life - they lived in an orphanage). Also, there is practically no information on their birthparents - they were Roma oeople (I'm assuming you know what I'm talking about since you've spent time in Russia) and apparently, there is a high degree of alcoholism - my neighbor feels certain that her daughters were exposed to alcohol while in utero based on some evaluations they've had. Anyway, I know every adoption story and route has its horror stories and we have to decide what is and isn't important to each of us...just sharing my thoughts on what I have observed.
And - my biggest reason for doing domestic adoption (now) versus international adoption is I had such a wonderful experience the first time that I have no need to go through all the hoops involved in an international adoption.
But, like I said - it's ultimately a personal decision and I don't think thinking through everything (like you are doing) is ever being overly fearful. Just make sure you explore some of the cons of adopting international as well - especially orphanage situations if you're considering adopting a toddler (and I'm sure you're already doing this but talk to everyone you possibly can who has adopted internationally and learn, learn, learn from them). Adoptive Families magazine has a wealth of information on international (and domestic) adoption - check out their website Adoptive Families they have a lot of international families who have had beautiful experiences adopting overseas so you'll get to see that there are many advantages of adopting international as well.
Lisa -
I was at Borders last night looking at adoption books and saw "The Girl who went away" but was not sure if it was anti adoption or not.
Heather
Heather, I have not yet read the book, it is something I'm a bit afraid of to read - I was not forced or coerced to place my child for adoption (they were before my time) but I still think it would hit a little close to home in that they had closed adoptions...anyway, I just wanted to say that the book was very well received by this triad group I am a part of that consists of mostly adoptees and birthmothers - so I wouldn't describe the book as anti-adoption at all, I don't believe that was the intent - rather to raise awareness of a group of women who otherwise are forgotten.
-Lisa
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I'm on a triad email list and rec'd this today and thought I'd share it - it's a link to an interview with some of the birthmothers who were profiled in Ann Fessler's book "The Girls Who Went Away" (Elizabeth referenced the book in a previous post above)
In case you missed this morning's interview on Good Morning America with
Ann Fessler, you can see it (after the commercial) at Good Morning America Interview - The Girls Who Went Away
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I'm pretty sure Abrazo asks that they be double-sided now...at least that's what the paperwork says that I have, although - I think when I did our profile when we were adopting Kayleigh, it was single-sided so maybe that's a recent thing...
Lisa
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It's 4 - 6 pages, double-sided, total - so, if you want to have 4 pages of stuff in your profile, that means you'll have 2 pieces of paper with something on the front and back of each page or if you want 6 pages of stuff in your profile, you'll have 3 pages front and back (so, the most pieces of paper you will have is 3 pieces).
Hope that answers your question. If you would like to see an example, I have mine in PDF format (I think) and would be happy to email it to you - we did a 6 page profile. Just message me your email address and I'll send it to you.
Lisa
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Lisa
you need to write an adoption book; you are a plethora (sp) of information girlie!
Amen!
Thanks you two! I guess I'm just an information junkie...anytime I'm interested in something, I just read everything I can get my hands on to learn about it (you should have seen me when we decided to try to get pregnant, my mom thought I was crazy because I read every book you can imagine on how to get pregnant (this was before we knew we had "issues") She kept telling me, in the olden days, when I got pregnant, we just had fun - you are making it way too scientific Lisa!
Fortunately, I have somewhere to share the information on the adoption stuff, I'm sure noone is very interested in what my research on how to conceive a baby led to (not to mention, after all that - we still weren't successful in that area but now that we have Kayleigh...I know why). -
Awww....Jenn and Dave - welcome to Abrazo's family and we're so glad you found us!!! I can't wait to hear more from you guys as you begin this journey and thanks for introducing yourselves!!!
You've found a great place - it's the best agency in the world as far as I'm concerned - they are a very special, close-knit group of ladies who give so much of themselves in everything they do!
Wishing you guys all the best!
Lisa
(We attended the August 2002 Orientation and adopted our daughter Kayleigh (who was a BOG (Blessing on the Ground) in December 2002 - we sent our initial inquiry in to Abrazo around July 4, 2002!!)
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Congratulations Tony, Linda, & Andrew!!! Welcome to the world of parenting - it's an experience of a lifetime!!!
Lisa
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Bumping up this topic for any new birthmothers - my 5/23/06 post has a link to a site called "Birthmom Buds" that looks neat (in my opinion) and may provide much needed support during a time when you may need it.
-Lisa
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Oh this is such a timely post!
My niece, her husband and their super cute 9 month old (very active, crawling, etc) have been staying at my sister's house for the past couple of weeks before they move to Virginia. My sister's house is semi-childproof (from the days of when I would visit with Kayleigh when she was into everything) but she has a brick hearth around her fireplace (and Drew is pulling up on everything he can reach) and has a marble coffee table, etc etc etc - there just seems to be so many things he can get hurt on - although, the stairs and kitchen are gated off (thanks to the gates left over from Kayleigh's exploring days) so at least the biggies are out of his range. Anyway, the other day, my mom and I went for a visit and everyone was on watch and keeping him safe from the scary sharp, hard things he could get hurt on....my sister, my nephew, niece-in-law, nephew-in-law, niece, mom, me, even Kayleigh was doing her part to keep Drew safe...anyway, when we were driving home, my mom - in a very exasperated voice said, "I don't know why they don't get a playpen and just keep him in a playpen with some toys! That's what we used to do with you girls and it sure was a lot easier that way - I could get things done...etc etc etc"
I just laughed at her and said, "Uh mom...playpens are wayyyy a thing of the past - noone does that anymore - the thinking now is that part of the learning occurs when the child is allowed to explore and touch everything, etc - it's just really important to make sure everything is child-proofed so they can't get hurt, etc etc etc" and my mom just didn't agree - she kept saying - but Drew was just into everything, they need a playpen! I was trying to explain to her that while that may sound like a solution, I highly doubted that Drew would stay in a playpen (even with a few toys) because he's never been confined to a playpen before and would think he's in some sort of baby jail. She never did get it - she just kept saying, "Well, that's what I did with you girls and you all turned out okay" etc etc etc...it was a comical conversation - my mom is usually pretty good about all the changes that have happened these days with kids but she sure did have that playpen idea stuck in her head. I told her that just because they did that when we were kids didn't mean it was a good thing - they also didn't use car seats for children/babies when I was little but that doesn't mean we should do that now!
-Lisa
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Hi Amanda,
I love it that you posted on here!!!! I can imagine how much that post meant to Cliff and Allison and one day, will to Baby Cliff too when he's old enough to read for himself how awesome his birthmother is and how happy you are with your decision in choosing Cliff and Allison to be his parents. You just have no idea how much you have changed their lives - they will never be the same people now after meeting you and welcoming you into their hearts - never, ever forget how special you are and never forget the incredibly special and unique role you will always have in your son's life. He is so blessed to have been born to such a warm, loving person who cares so much about him and loves him so much - that comes across so much in your post!
Welcome to the forum and welcome to the greater Abrazo extended family. We hope to hear from you again!
Wishing you all the best,
Lisa
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Hooray!!! You're no LONGER waiting for your baby!!!! And we're no LONGER having to wait for your special announcement!!! Congratulations to the happy family who probably have the LONGEST string of posts related to their announcement than anyone else in forum history!!!!
-Lisa
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I just noticed that Stork Central was logged on - and I got butterflies!!! False Alarm though - when I checked their profile, it said they were reading board index (which means they're not in the Baby Announcement section). This is taking too LONG!!!!!
-Lisa
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I just wanted to add my congratulations to Dan, Erika, Danny, & Matthew!!!
I have been so touched by so many of your posts and especially your story and updates on Danny - I am so happy to know that Danny will have yet one more person who will always know and value what a special guy he is and will love him like a brother should be loved! I'm so happy he's a big brother!
My nephew is 21 and was/is a special needs guy - he has autism but not like the type that one thinks of when they think of Rainman, etc - Jared has no speech and wears adult diapers and with some foods, still needs to be fed (and will always let you feed him if you don't insist on him feeding himself). He flaps his arms and shakes his head back and forth a lot and has always had behaviors that people found odd - we dealt with lots of stares during the past 21 years (his brother would always stare back
), he makes noises and likes to clap and hop repeatedly. He often reverts to his "world" where he laughs and seems to have no idea that anyone is even around - but - he lights up when he sees his brother and sister and I've never seen siblings love and care about their sibling more than I do with Chad & Meredith and how they feel about Jared - he has taught all of us so much and given us insight to a life we would have never known had he not been different from most people - This relationship that will grow between your boys will have a profound impact on both their lives - parents are awesome but there is just such a special connection between siblings that nothing compares to.
Just yesterday, my sister (I have 2) had doctor's appointments to find out the results of her "every 4 month" body scan, blood work, blah blah blah to make sure she still shows no sign of cancer - my mom went with her to the appointment and about an hour after her appt., my other sister called me and asked "Have you heard from Stacy yet?" and I was like, "No, maybe I'll call Buzz - hang on (Buzz is STacy's husband of 28 years). I called Buzz, no - he hadn't heard from her yet but she had 2 doctor's appts and it could take awhile. Shortly after, Debbie (my other sister) said "hold on, my phone is beeping" and she clicked over and said "IT'S STACY!!! SHE'S STILL OKAY!!!" and (I'm crying as I type this) all I could think was oh my gosh - she called us before she even called her husband - she called her sisters (Debbie even asked her if she had called Buzz yet and she wanted us to be the first to know "we're stuck with her for a little while longer" (her words). I just can't say enough about sibling relationships - how fortunate that Danny and Matthew will have one another and you will be witness to a beautiful thing - and little Matthew couldn't have arrived in any better timing - what a blessing from God.
Bless you guys - and my heartfelt congratulations!
And not to overshadow by the sibling thing being so great how thrilled you guys are about being new parents again - I know that's a HUGE thing too (trust me, I'm right behind ya on that one! I can't WAIT until I have an announcement like yours!)
Lisa
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woo hoo!!! Adoptive Families magazine just rocks!!! (almost as much as the Abrazo forum!)
So, they also have a link where you can post comments/letters to them and they'll publish the "best" ones. And...they have a link where you can read the "best" comments.
Here are the 2 links:
Weighing in on the gender preference debate.....
Adoptive Families Magazine Reader Responses to the gender debate
-Lisa
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Yahoo! I finally found a link to the Adoptive Families magazine article called Daughters in Demand, I have been searching high and low for it and thank goodness for Google!
This was in the April 2006 edition of Adoptive Families magazine and the article outlines (an excellent job I might add) the big debate of gender preference in the adoption community (and this is what led me to the conclusion that the only way this debate will be resolved is if more agencies not allow/support gender preference):
"Given a choice, many parents prefer to adopt girls. But should parents be allowed to select their child's sex? And how does the desire for daughters affect the adoption community - and the children themselves?" By Lisa Milbrand
And in case the link breaks, I'm including the text below, quoted from Adoptive Families magazine - it is just too relevant to this discussion to exclude.
Daughters in DemandGiven a choice, many parents prefer to adopt girls. But should parents be allowed to select their child’s sex? And how does the desire for daughters affect the adoption community—and the children themselves?
by Lisa Milbrand
The road to adoption is full of decisions: International or domestic? Agency or attorney? Baby or waiting child? Same race or different race? And many adoptive parents-to-be make another decision: They want to choose the sex of their new child. And overwhelmingly, if given the opportunity, prospective adoptive parents choose girls. “About 80 percent of prospective parents will choose a girl,” says Susan Myers, director of the Lutheran Adoption Network.
There are dozens of reasons given for this preference, in combinations unique to each family. Sometimes, they already have sons, and want to have the experience of raising a daughter; or they already have daughters, and would feel most comfortable with another girl. “As the parent of two boys, we are thrilled about the option of having a daughter in our family,” says Susan Schmidt. “If we were not able to choose the gender, I am not sure I would have gone down this road.” Some families believe that a daughter will be easier to raise than a son, and more likely to be cuddly than a “rough-and-tumble” boy. And for single mothers, who overwhelmingly choose girls, it often comes down to the lack of a male role model for their child. “I chose to adopt a girl,” says Kim Gold. “I know that I will not always be able to help her or even understand her, but I can at least relate. Without male role models, I didn’t feel it was fair to adopt a boy.”
GIRL TALK
Adoption Professionals on Gender Choice:
"It’s amazing that adoptive parents are floored when they learn that most people want girls, even though they’re sitting right in front of me, asking for a girl.”
“Very often, it’s the woman who’s driving the process to adopt, and so that may affect the desire for a girl.”
“Adoptive parents seem to think that a girl will be sweet, help bake cookies, like to dress up. Gender stereotypes are alive and well when it comes to adopting families.”
“Adoption needs to be about finding families for children, not children for families. Our guiding tenet should be: What needs does the child have and how can we meet them?”
“Anyone who is interested in being a parent is usually able to happily raise either a boy or a girl, even if they start out feeling otherwise.”
“It’s frustrating to us when so many of our families insist on girls, because that means wonderful boys wait months or years to find a home.”
But the requests for a girl create a quandary for the attorneys and agencies who facilitate adoptions. They want to respect the adoptive parents’ wishes, but they also want to find good homes for thousands of children waiting for families in the U.S. and around the world. And the desire for daughters has led to a situation where healthy boys often wait much longer to find families—or miss the opportunity entirely—while healthy girls are in short supply. “Agencies and orphanages end up with so many little boys waiting and waiting, with nothing wrong except they weren’t born female,” Myers says.
Domestic Adoption: A Difficult Issue
In the U.S., where most adoptive parents are matched with a birthmother before the child’s birth, and the relationship that develops is paramount, requesting a girl can be problematic, at best. Most adoption attorneys and agencies will not accommodate a gender preference. “I’m always taken aback by that request,” says Peter Wiernicki, an adoption attorney in Rockville, Maryland. “You don’t get to choose biologically, and I think it’s fraught with problems in domestic adoption. You have to be honest and build a relationship with the birthparents who are looking to place their child with you, and a sex preference can hinder that. It takes an already challenging process and makes it even more challenging.”
Many agencies agree, and refuse to entertain gender requests from parents. “You cannot go to a birthmother and say, ‘So-and-so will adopt your baby as long as it’s a girl,’” says Jane Page, director of adoption services for The Cradle, in Evanston, Illinois. “In open adoptions, you cannot allow for gender preference. Most families are fine with that.”
But there are some adoption professionals who are willing to honor a gender preference. “I ask clients who say they want a particular sex if that’s a mandate or a preference,” says adoption attorney Diane Michelsen of Lafayette, California, who estimates that about 15 percent of her clientele come in wanting a particular sex. “If it’s a mandate, this isn’t the right vehicle.” She steers the clients who want a guarantee toward international adoption or to one of the handful of lawyers who work with clients who insist on a boy or a girl.
For those willing at least to consider a child of either sex, she will show their information only to birthmothers who have had an ultrasound or sonogram that indicates that the child is the sex they wanted. This usually results in a longer wait—and a surprise if the prenatal information was incorrect. But Michelsen has had only one family back out because of the child’s sex in 26 years of practicing adoption law. “This is a hard issue,” Michelsen says. “I don’t feel that I can fault someone for their feelings. But birthparents want to connect and be comfortable with the family, and it’s very hard if they connect with a family who won’t raise the baby.”
GIRL TALK
Adoptive mothers on gender choice:
“Allowing parents to choose the child that best fits their family situation is best for everyone—child and family. Biology didn’t allow us to bear children, so why shouldn’t we get a choice that bio parents lack, to kind of even the score?”
“For us, stating a gender preference gave us back a small sense of the control that was lost as we endured years of infertility. After grieving the losses of our pregnancies, it was healing to build a new dream for a family, and to fulfill it with children who matched our mental images.”
“We chose to adopt from China because of the likelihood of getting a daughter. I adore all the girlie things about my daughter—dressing up in her princess costumes, playing hairdresser, dancing, having chatty conversations, getting lots of hugs and kisses. And I’ll cherish doing ‘older girl’ activities with her, too.”
“Since we adopted domestically, we felt like we shouldn’t be able to choose the gender, just as we wouldn’t if we had given birth to a biological child. We’ve heard of too many cases where the sonograms were incorrect, and the child was a different sex. If our birthmother thought that we’d only want to raise a girl and she gave birth to a boy, would she have felt like she could no longer place her child with us because she didn’t have the daughter that we really wanted?”
Bethany Christian Services, a network of adoption agencies based in Grand Rapids, Michigan, allows some gender preference in domestic adoptions. If parents insist on a girl, their profile is shown only to birthmothers who have already given birth or who have a clear ultrasound. “We try to accommodate their wishes if it’s a strong preference, but we encourage the families to assess their motivation,” says Kris Faasse, the national adoption consultant for Bethany. “Many birthmothers don’t want to consider a family with a strong preference. A birthmother doesn’t want her child to be someone’s ‘second choice.’”
International Adoption: The Right to Choose
In the international adoption process, where parents are matched with waiting children, it’s easier to consider requests regarding sex, health, or other characteristics, depending on the policies of a particular country. In fact, Korea is the only country with a major international adoption program that doesn’t allow gender requests for childless couples. But that doesn’t mean that adoption professionals agree with the idea of sex selection—or that they allow their clients to make that choice. “Adoption should be primarily about finding homes for children who need homes, not about fulfilling requirements that parents have,” says Vicki Peterson, director of Wide Horizons Adoption Agency in Waltham, Massachusetts, which has a policy not to allow childless parents to request a specific sex from any country but China. “When a family is adamant about the child’s sex, you have to wonder what’s motivating that,” says Bruce Mossburg, director of adoptions for international services at Bethany Christian Services, which does allow parents to express a gender preference when a country allows it. “You have to wonder about their rigidity.”
In many countries that allow parents to request their child’s sex, including Guatemala and Russia, the wait increases considerably if you request a healthy infant girl—often to double the wait for a healthy infant or toddler boy, according to agency estimates. But many families will wait as long as it takes, even passing up the immediate referral of a baby boy.
Many agencies we spoke with tried to steer parents who were adamant about a daughter into their China programs, since about 95 percent of referrals from China are for infant or toddler girls. “It’s clear that if you only want a girl, the China program is the best choice,” says Lisa Vertulfo, Holt International’s senior executive for the U.S. region. “If somebody doesn’t want to change, it’s a bad idea to force them into parenting a boy.”
The Consequences
The demand for daughters means more than longer waits for adoptive parents. For many young boys around the world, it means spending years—or even entire childhoods—in orphanages or foster care. “It’s really sad that being male is a handicapping condition,” says Becky Steeber, adoption and social work supervisor for Children’s Home Society and Family Services in St. Paul, Minnesota.
“If it was just about parents getting a preference, it might not matter so much, but this really affects children,” Mary Ann Curran, director of social services at WACAP, says. “It makes the wait dramatically longer for boys. You see little boys waiting for homes who shouldn’t have to wait, and families cheating themselves out of getting a child sooner.”
Even after expressing a preference for a daughter, some families find themselves getting something unexpected—the referral of a boy. As many of the families in this situation have discovered, while they may initially have wanted a daughter, they’re extremely happy to have a son. “We really wanted a girl and knew that, by choosing China, we would be assured one,” says Barb Ridenour. “But as fate would have it, our agency had three boy placements, and ours was the third. Once we had the referral, there was a little boy waiting for us, and we loved him so much. Having a girl seemed much less important than adopting this child.”
Lisa Milbrand is the editor of Adoptive Families magazine. She recently adopted her daughter, Katie.
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Average Wait* Times in International Adoption
Boys Girls
China ---- 8-10 months
Russia 0-6 months 6-18 months
Guatemala 0-4 months 4-10 months
Korea 5-6 months 8-12 months
Kazakhstan 0-4 months 6-12 months
Source: Jan. 2006 interviews with adoption agencies (excludes special-needs referrals). *from dossier completion to referral.
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I have thought about this a great deal as well - being a birthmother who had "more than one possibility" with regards to my birth-daughter's father (ugh - I still hate to admit that one - guess that's why it took me 17 years before I was ready to tell anyone this...not even my birthdaughter knows at this point, the topic of birthfather was about the only thing I omitted from the letter I recently wrote her) - I know how "easy" it is to give birth to an ethnicity other than what you've told everyone (because it is so embarassing to admit that you weren't monogomous and easier to just pray you were right in your calculations)....I do think this is a little bit different than the gender thing though because if a couple who is only open to a full Anglo baby, matches with a birthmother who has said she is going to deliver a full Anglo baby and then, the baby is born and it obviously isn't a full Anglo baby - then, there was a breach of trust already from the adoptive parents perspective (believe me...a lot, a lot, a lot of thought goes into those other boxes ticked concerning ethnicity - at least it did for us and to suddenly be faced with something we would completely be unprepared for, well, I just have no idea how we'd react - I would like to think we would go with the flow and not turn our backs on the child but I guess noone ever knows how they would react in a situation unless you're faced with it (I learned that when I found out I was pregnant the first time, I never imagined I'd place a baby for adoption until I actually stepped into those shoes). But - again, it comes back to the best interests of the child - the innocent child has done nothing other than be born and be in need of a accepting, unconditional loving home - so, for those parents who just can't find it in their hearts to be more open minded on ethnicity - what do you do about that (I know - this is an entirely different subject but as I've tried to make sense of the gender thing - this is definitely something I've thought of).
Noone ever said Adoption was easy and it just introduces so many other variables that people who can just get pregnant never have to consider or worry about. Drug exposure is another thing - if there are families who are not comfortable with a drug exposed baby and a birthmother has not been truthful about her pre-natal experiences and a baby is born and tests positive for drug exposure, not sure if anyone has ever walked away like that, I wouldn't think so??? But then, we're comfortable with drug exposure so it's hard for me to relate to anyone who isn't (just as it's hard for others to relate to us in our gender thing).
But anyway - I think you just have to decide on this issue what you feel is right in your own values and heart and base the policy on that - because whatever you believe in will be much easier to stick to and counsel/educate than doing something that isn't in your heart. You could have decided that Abrazo would work with couples who are only comfortable with Semi-Open adoptions based on the same argument (is it right to deny a child a home just because of parental beliefs?) but you believed that Open adoption was the only way to go and you have built the most amazing agency who do such an outstanding job of advocating on behalf of open adoption - think of all the people who came to you sort of on the fence with open adoption and yet now, they are some of the most vocal supporters of open adoption and its benefits - had they fallen into the hands of an agency who isn't so committed to open adoption, they would have never known how strongly they truly feel about open adoption - or, if y'all wouldn't have been so diligent about preaching open adoption, these people would have never known otherwise and we wouldn't be as far along in the open adoption movement. The great thing about being "the boss" is you get to call the shots (well, with the support & input of your Board I hope
) So, as hard as it is to "lose" beloved clients - that just goes with the territory and anyway, I don't think you guys ever lose a client - just because all of a family's babies aren't Abrazo babies doesn't mean they're ostracized from the Abrazo family....but anyway, as with anything - I think going with your instinct/heart is always the best way to go - it's worked for us (so far).-Lisa
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I thought of another suggestion although I'm not sure how it would work either but here goes....
For families who have specified a very strong gender preference, (i.e. they are not willing to consider adopting any other gender - therefore are not really eligible to match with an expectant mother) - what if their profiles are made available to BOG birthmothers but only after all other profiles have also been shown to the birthmother and she has not found a family with which to match (either due to other preferences on the part of the prospective adoptive couples (race, drug exposure, legal risk, medical/legal fees, etc) or due to the birthmother's preferences (i.e. she just doesn't see any profiles she feels a connection with)?
Ultimately though, you and Gabriela make a very relevant point that it's not really the gender that poses the biggest problem, it's how a family handles a surprise and so as Gabriela points out, if prospective parent(s) are open to "going with the flow" either way, then I think stating a preference really doesn't present a problem (although I'm thinking your original post/question was more to do with those couples who aren't as flexible???
Anyway, just some additional thoughts I had.
Lisa
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Well, obviously I have had direct, personal experience with this and I'll share my thoughts - not sure I really have any solutions. Personally, I think Abrazo (or all agencies for that matter) need to determine if they are in support of gender preference/specification or if they're not (regardless of the reasons and what you're attempting to avoid happening (i.e. dumping a birthmother once the sono reveals the "wrong" gender). If an agency isn't in support of gender preference/specification - then I think it is in the best interest of everyone involved to not only discourage gender preference/specification but disallow it completely (at least for the full-service program). If this is something you are in support of, then it's worthwhile looking at options on how you as an agency can find something that works for everyone (although you'll never be able to please everyone).
I think to not allow gender specification is a perfectly valid policy to have if it is what is in your heart. There was an Adoptive Families magazine article not long ago (cover story I believe) about the gender preference/specification debate and it's a pretty big one these days in the adoption community. The only way this will ever end (for the most part) is if agencies put in place policies that don't allow it (just like Abrazo has an open adoption only policy). People may gripe and people may find other agencies who do not have such policies in place but are those really clients you want to be working with in the first place (because you'll find yourself forever in disagreement on the matter).
Sure, there will be those who try to find a way around the policy and who just hope for the gender they have a preference for and will turn down cases or back-out of matches if things don't work out as they were hoping...but, that also happens with the open adoption policy - there are always those who just say what you want to hear in order to be accepted into Abrazo's program because they've heard great things about the experience - and figure that open adoption thing is no big deal - they can agree to that (but really have no intentions of doing so).
I can completely understand the fairness (or not fairness) of the situation with those who don't have gender specifications and trying to balance the BOG to be a truly random occurence - so honestly, my suggestion would be to just not allow for gender preference specification - people can share that they have a preference, provided they're open to adopting another gender (because having a gender preference is common...even among people who are pregnant - I've met my share of expecting mothers who say, "What I want most of all is to have a healthy baby but we'd really love to have our first child be a little boy") but making sure that it's very clear what Abrazo can and can't do with regards to accommodating the preference (probably not the best word to use but it's late for me and I'm trying to make this a brief post).
Just my 2 cents - although I'd love to see other suggestions on here - I just hope that whatever happens, it's the same for everyone (i.e. that some gender preferences are worked with and others aren't)
Thanks for opening this up Elizabeth and really giving this a lot of thought and consideration - and by asking for others' input - that's very much an "Abrazo Way" which is what makes y'all so unique and special and awesome!
Just in closing (I had a couple more thoughts after re-reading your original post on Elaine's quote) - what we have learned through our experience is the only case where you can ethically (if that's even appropriate but I'll leave the debate on whether specifying a gender is or isn't ethical for another topic) is where a baby has already been born - so, either a BOG or an infant/toddler/child already being parented. I think educating prospective parents on this the moment they indicate they have a preference (to make sure everyone is on the same page in terms of how limited their preference is) is to everyone's benefit and if they realize that their preference is more than just a preference, then as we were advised - they need to consider an infant/toddler adoption rather than a newborn adoption. Also, I'm thinking you probably have these situations more in cases with "Againers" than those who are adopting/hoping to parent for the first time...we had a strong girl preference the first time but our desire to hurry up and become parents outweighed our preference for a daughter. This time, however - we feel we have more time and were willing to wait as long as it took - I just wonder if there are others who had a stronger preference the 2nd time (or 3rd) than they did the first time? Not really asking that as a question although it sounds as though I am...okay, must go catch up on sleep - this worrying about my surgery is keeping me up wayyy too much!
-Lisa
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Dead Child's Mom Sought Discipline Tips (Sean Paddock)
Dead child's mom sought discipline tipsLynn Paddock ordered books by a minister and his wife that recommended using pipe to spank kids
Mandy Locke, Staff Writer
A few years ago, Lynn Paddock sought Christian advice on how to discipline her growing brood of adopted children.
Paddock -- a Johnston County mother accused of murdering Sean, her 4-year-old adopted son, and beating two other adopted children -- surfed the Internet, said her attorney, Michael Reece. She found literature by an evangelical minister and his wife who recommended using plumbing supply lines to spank misbehaving children.
Paddock ordered Michael and Debi Pearl's books and started spanking her adopted children as suggested. After Sean, the youngest of Paddock's six adopted children, died last month, his older sister and brother told investigators about Paddock's spankings.
Sean's 9-year-old brother was beaten so badly he limped, a prosecutor said. Bruises marred Sean's backside, too, doctors found.
Sean died after being wrapped so tightly in blankets he suffocated. That, too, was a form of punishment, Johnston County Sheriff Steve Bizzell said.
The Pearls' advice from their Web site: A swift whack with the plastic tubing would sting but not bruise. Give 10 licks at a time, more if the child resists. Be careful about using it in front of others -- even at church; nosy neighbors might call social workers. Save hands for nurturing, not disciplining. Heed the warning, taken from Proverbs in the Old Testament, that sparing the rod will spoil the child.
Paddock and other moms in her rural Baptist church chatted about the Pearls' strategies for rearing obedient children, Reece said.
"I think she was trying to do the right thing by her children," he said.
Paddock, 45, faces a possible lifetime behind bars or execution if convicted of causing Sean's death.
Paddock seems to have carefully followed the Pearls' teachings. Investigators found 2-foot lengths of plumbing supply line in several rooms of her remote farmhouse.
The Pearls offer shopping advice on their Web site, www.nogreaterjoy.org: "You can buy them for under $1.00 at Home Depot or any hardware store. They come cheaper by the dozen and can be widely distributed in every room and vehicle. Just the high profile of their accessibility will keep the kids in line."
The Pearls' first book, "To Train Up a Child," has sold more than 400,000 copies since it was published in 1994, according to Mel Cohen, general manager of the Pearls' business, No Greater Joy Ministries. After the book came out, so many readers wrote in with questions that the Pearls started a newsletter. Every two months, Cohen said, the Pleasantville, Tenn.-based ministry mails more than 60,000 newsletters to parents around the world.
The Pearls declined to be interviewed. "They feel the material speaks for itself," Cohen said.
Christian evangelicals who, like the Pearls, teach the importance of corporal punishment have loyal followers. The results are tangible, said Dot Ehlers, executive director of a Smithfield nonprofit who teaches parenting skills to mothers and fathers referred to them by the Johnston County Department of Social Services. She said about a quarter of the 60 parents she instructs each week say their faith defends and encourages corporal punishment.
The Pearls' techniques helped Sandy Hicks, a mother in Texas who said she was desperate to restore peace in her home.
"Some people would rather spend an hour reasoning with a defiant 5-year-old instead of requiring the kid to behave and giving him a swat if he doesn't," said Hicks, who said she has used a peach-tree switch to spank her four children. "Some people are just queasy about swatting their kids."
The Pearls' teachings helped mobilize another group of Christian parents to speak out against such corporal punishment. The Web site Stoptherod.net rails against the Pearls' first book; the Web site's founders, Susan and Steve Lawrence of Virginia, say the book "reads like a child abuse manual." The Web site encourages parents to post critical reviews of the book on Amazon.com.
Some of the Pearls' defenders say you can't blame them for parents who take their advice to an unhealthy extreme.
Gena Suarez, publisher of a magazine for home-schooling parents that publishes advertisements for the Pearls' books, said their teachings are often inappropriately used to defend child abuse.
"[The Pearls] are talking about something that would fit in a purse," Suarez said. "The only way you can kill a child with that is by shoving it down his throat."
The Pearls acknowledge that discipline turns to abuse when the "child is broken in spirit, cowed and subdued ..."
The minister advises one mother on his Web site: "I always give myself one swat before I swat the child to remind myself how much force to exert. It stings the skin without bruising or damaging tissue. It's a real attention-getter."
(News researchers Susan Ebbs, Becky Ogburn and Lamara Williams-Hackett contributed to this report.)
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And to look at this from a different perspective...
If you're in the process of trying to adopt and you're scared of the idea of "having" to get to know the birthparents of your future child and keeping in touch: here's the kind of press that birthparents often see, leading them to fear adoption altogether. (Perhaps this also illustrates why openness is so healing, as is the opportunity for all parties to maintain contact in the years following the placement): http://www.washtimes.com/culture/20060301-...1751r_page2.htmAdoption In Shadow of Abuse.
Positive Adoption Language
in Looking to Adopt
Posted
Just bumping up another topic for any newbies out there who are still exploring adoption and learning the ropes - this is a great intro on positive adoption language.
-Lisa