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linlacor

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Posts posted by linlacor

  1. For our Jewish friends

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    Cool, thanks Lauren!!! I just picked up Kayleigh from preschool and I told her she has a Menorah at home that she gets to paint from our friend Lauren - she was so excited!!! My mom was with us and she wanted to go to Target first and Kayleigh was so bummed, she wanted to go home and get to painting...anyway, while we were at Target, we were looking at Christmas decorations and she wanted to get a star for the top of our tree and I let her pick one out and she said, "We'll have a Hannukah Christmas tree" How funny is that?

    Well, speaking of Menorahs...if I don't get hers set up to paint, she's going to have a nervous breakdown (I moved my computer downstairs so it's much more convenient to just log on now which I did as soon as I walked in the door...but I must now get the car unloaded and get her stuff set up).

    Thanks again!!!

    Lisa

  2. For our Jewish friends

    in Abrazo's Chapel Potluck

    Posted

    I just have to brag on my little one :wub:

    So, for those who are reading this and don't know - Kayleigh's maternal birthfamily are Jewish. This year (she turns 4 in about a week), I have been making more of an effort to introduce her to Jewish holidays and their significance (baby steps...mostly because I did not grow up Jewish (so I'm learning as I go), nor have I ever had a friend or acquaintence who was Jewish (that is until little Kayleigh came along and I now have a few Jewish friends although none live nearby :( but still, I am hoping to change that if I'd ever get around to contacting this Temple I found not far from where we live...but I digress...that's another topic). So anyway, haven't talked a huge amount about it because I'm not really sure how to bring it up - other than when Kayleigh starts talking about Christmas, I've said, "Hey you know what? There's another holiday coming up that people who are Jewish celebrate and it's called Hannukah - and you know what else? Rachel and her family are all Jewish so I bet they celebrate Hannukah too...then I explain the little I know about Hannukah (the menorah, the story of the Macabees and the oil and how it lasted 8 days and that's why 8 candles are lit, etc etc etc) You know, with a preschooler, you just never know whether or not they're paying attention or not...Well, last night - the three of us were laying in bed reading books and Lance was reading this Christmas book to Kayleigh called the ABC's of Christmas - it had a letter on each page and a word associated with that letter - when we got to

    "H", before Lance could even read it - Kayleigh said "I know what starts with "H" - Hannukah (but it was so cute how she pronounced it - wish I would have had a recorder to hear her, she really struggled and stumbled over it" and then she said, "I want to have Hannukah too, we could have candles and a Menorah (and she stumbled over that word too but finally spit it out...without our help :rolleyes: )

    Both of us just looked at each other and were just smiling so much and it was such a moment!!! I was so excited that she actually did pay attention when we've talked about it - this felt like major progress and I'm so proud of her!!!! And then, today - a little package arrived (how's that for timing Lauren) and it was from Kayleigh's Jewish Auntie Lauren - it was a Paint-It-Yourself Menorah (which is Kayleigh's first Menorah - what an awesome touching gift - and it will be even more special because she'll be able to paint it herself so when she's older, not only will she know it was her first one but she decorated it too) and it was a set of Menorah candles (made in Israel!!! They're kosher (which I'm still not exactly sure what it means when something is kosher so if one of y'all can explain that to me too and its significance and how important it is to be kosher or not (doesn't it depend on how Jewish you are or something? my friend's friend (who was raised not Orthodox but is now attending an Orthodox temple and is kosher now) said something about some people who are Jewish aren't always kosher or are only kosher certain times of the year but Orthodox are always kosher??? Did I get that right?) And...this little piggy bank type thing called a Tzedakah Box (a ceramic charity box)....which is just perfect because Kayleigh is really into coins these days and has a piggy bank and this will be such a great opportunity to begin to explain to her the meaning of charity and having a giving heart and sharing....Lauren - these mean so much to us - thank you so much!!! I will post a pic of the menorah when Kayleigh gets it all painted...Thank you!!! This was just perfect timing with the discussion we had last night with her.

    Shalom all!

    Lisa

  3. FBI checks

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    and, for what it's worth..these are the numbers i was given to contact where i tracked down our resuts (let's just say, it isn't exactly a streamlined process)

    i first contacted Identix via their 1 888 number, she referred me to DPS at 512-424-5079 and he was able to determine when they/he transmitted the results to DFPS...ideally, you need to give him a TCN# for him to look it up (I have no idea what that is or how you get one, I *think* Identix is supposed to give it to you). Anyway, he was able to locate it w/Lance's name. He then referred me to DFPS 512-99-6478 and I spoke to someone there who confirmed they had the results, just somehow hadn't sent them to Abrazo.

    Not sure if these will always be the appropriate numbers to contact...but they're the ones I was given and they worked for me, today (may save you a call to Identix who I find to be truly quite rude <_<

    I would definitely start chasing it down if it's been more than a couple of weeks...my 2 cents.

    Lisa

  4. When To Say When?

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    When it feels better to stop than to keep trying, you know you're done.

    Truer words haven't been spoken from my perspective...

    This was how I felt too when we closed the door on fertility treaments and trying to get pregnant. For me, that entire experience was just rotten, full of no fond memories, just sadness and hopelessness. Anyway, to me, it didn't matter what I had to go through on my adoption journey because I knew that in the end, it paled in comparison to how I felt going through in-vitro and also, I knew what the outcome would be so that made it all so much easier for me. This was definitely true when we adopted Kayleigh - we had such a smooth time that first time - no real twists or turns or ups or downs - we basically went to Orientation, got all our stuff done, and the first "official" match we had was Kayleigh, she was a BOG. And it happened so quickly and it seemed so effortlessly - I mean, don't get me wrong....the adoption experience, once it was put into action was full of all sorts of unexpected things but nothing I couldn't handle and I had my baby, so nothing bothered me...I felt I could handle anything.

    This time, it's been a little more unpredictable and I'll be honest, I really didn't anticipate that we'd be waiting quite this long, and I didn't anticipate that we'd go through 3 matches, 2 birthparent phone calls where we weren't "chosen", 1 birthparent call where we were sort-of chosen at the last minute but within a day, she decided to continue the private adoption she was involved with, 2 or 3 (or more?) birthparent calls where we opted not to move forward...anyway, suffice it to say, this experience has definitely been more emotional and a true test of whether or not we really want to continue building our family. I mentioned in a previous post that I had a fleeting recent thought that maybe, we needed to re-visit our decision to stop infertility treatments. This came up because of exactly what you said Mary Helen - when you decide that the alternative feels better than what you're currently going through, you know it's time to stop. When I was having a really bad day or week, whichever it was - I had to determine if maybe, what I went through with the infertility was actually not as painful and emotional than what the future may hold for us with our 2nd adoption journey. I mentioned somewhere on the forum that after what we've experienced so far, one of the biggest fears I have currently is a fear of the unknown...how many more disrupted matches will we have before it's the right one? and so on. Lance wouldn't even discuss infertility treatments again - that door is completely closed for him (and he was the one who initially had a harder time closing it than I did). His thoughts are if we are going to have a second child, then it is going to be through adoption...period. So, my thought was fleeting and within a couple of days, I wondered where on earth that came from and moved on, got back on track with preparing myself mentally for what's to come and now, I just try to handle it all the best I know how to. And, no more doubts (at this time) about whether it's all worth it in the end...whether we really do need another child in our family (the answer is yes). I know that if we don't pursue this path, this will haunt me forever...that I gave up on that person who was meant to be my other daughter - I'll constantly wonder about her and who her parents are and what she was like...she is a very real person to me, already - so I know I must be patient and just let her find me when she's ready.

    Truly profound, Lisa, and right on the money, in my opinion. There is a definite difference for adoption professionals in working with folks who have "come to terms" with their infertility, vs. those who haven't. And it's not even a matter of having to "resolve" all your infertility issues before coming to adoption (I'm not sure that's possible!) but adoption is not a cure for infertility, and sometimes I think those who truly are not "ready" to let go of the fertility stuff are the most likely to skew the adoption process, thereby making failure a self-fulfilling prophecy until they're truly ready to let go of the dream in order to succeed, in real life...?

    Elizabeth - I think what you'll find ironic is that I learned that as a birthmother - just edit all that content to reflect a birthmother's perspective and you'll understand how I came to terms with my decision to place. Basically, I believed, in my heart that adoption was my ONLY option (whether it was realistically or not) and that what I felt and went through, the pain, the emotion...was just part of what I had to go through...just part of life. It works both ways - for someone losing a child through adoption and for someone losing a child through infertility)

  5. FBI checks

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Yay!!! I just found out from Abrazo that my fingerprint/background clearance has come back!! Lance's haven't yet but maybe it will take longer for him since he's a Naturalized Citizen (he wasn't born here) - although, with all the screening he went through to become a US citizen, those FBI folks oughta recognize that name whenever they see it - he's been fingerprinted so many times over the past few years, we've lost count :blink: Anyway, at least I know that mine are back and those fingerprints aren't just floating around somewhere!

    (Thanks EJ for letting me know :))

    -Lisa

  7. When To Say When?

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Lauren,

    I just knew when you and I talked and when you shared with our group your infertility journey that you guys weren't ready to shut that door. I so hoped that you both would realize it and I felt such relief when you shared that you guys had decided not to pursue adoption at this time. I think there is a reason you were called back to the fertility treatments again, and whether or not they result in a child, you need to do this, in order to move forward with your plans to have a family (in my opinion). I am so, so, so happy to have met you on this forum and in our Orientation Group and I am feel so blessed that you are still with us all on our journeys and we are with you on yours. I will jump for joy when I receive the news that you are a mother (or are on your way to becoming a mother) and whether your child shares a biological connection with you or not, I know you will be the absolute best, most loving, most accepting mom in the world! That's just the kind of person you are. I think adoption has so many ups and downs and twists and turns and unknowns (and the list just goes on and on and on) that if you have not closed the door to infertility treatments, then those highs and lows can just be too much to bear and can cause too many doubts and what-ifs. I think to be able to embrace adoption as one needs to do in order to go through whatever obstacles come up on the journey, one needs to feel in their hearts that this is just part of the path to becoming parents - it is the only path, so you just learn to take each low with grace and celebrate each high - and you get really comfortable with those twists and turns. I think, if someone hasn't reached that point (where they feel they may have some unfinished business with the fertility doctors), then that adoption journey can be much rougher than it is for someone who knows this is just what they have to endure in order to become parents (because the alternative would mean to remain childless).

    So anyway, I am rooting you on and I truly hope you and Chuck are successful in your IVF attempt(s) and that if you aren't, you are blessed with an amazing doctor who can help guide you (whether that be through more aggressive treatments (although IVF (which is what we did) is about as aggressive as it gets) or through other alternatives (surrogate, donor whatever's) or back to Abrazo to meet the child who wasn't ready for you yet when you graduated from our Orientation in September. We did IVF twice - the first time, with a doctor here in Texas - we were never guided or helped or consulted with - the receptionist told us we weren't pregnant over the phone and no follow-up appointment was ever recommended or made. It definitely felt to us that the door was still open (well, more to Lance than me - the entire experience was enough to turn me off mother-hood for the next 10 years!). When we arrived in Seattle, we located another specialist and did another IVF - this time, we had been led to an amazing doctor (she was a female) who was so compassionate and caring and when we learned we weren't pregnant (which was through a very sympathetic and kind nurse), we were asked to schedule a follow-up appointment to speak with the doctor. We went through everything with her and she recommended to us at that time that we may want to consider another means of building our family - that we just weren't good candidates for IVF because I didn't respond well (I "only" made 14 eggs, of which, only 7 made it past 24 hours and of those, only 3 fertilized and those that did, were not very good quality.) She is the one who recommended adoption to us and that just felt "right". It felt, at that time that we had gone as far as we could go and to continue would be a pointless and emotionally wrenching exercise. I am so grateful to her for giving us the closure we needed to move forward with adoption with the type of mind-set we had - I honestly have never (other than very recently & very fleeting but I think that was just me realizing that I'm now 35 and I'm no longer in that "healthy, abundant" egg age anymore) wondered if we should have tried harder or more with infertility treatments.

    Anyway, my friend - I am so happy to hear you're going to give it another shot and I am wishing you the best possible outcome! Here's some baby dust coming your way :)

    Lisa :)

  11. How do I make my mom understand?

    in Considering Adoption?

    Posted

    You're welcome Jean & Jill....it had been on my mind and I had meant to post sooner but just hadn't found the time to sit down and collect my thoughts (and after re-reading it, I probably could have done a better job but oh well, if I wait to do something until I think it's perfect, I find it never gets done...)

    Another thing that struck me during the interview was something Jessica said in response to Oprah - I think Oprah asked her what she'd like to say to everyone or something like that, she said several things (which I don't really remember, other than I thought to myself - "Gosh, here's your chance...say something profound, and I didn't feel she did but she was probably put on the spot and hadn't prepared for that question (although that question is a no-brainer - what interviewer wouldn't ask that???) Anyway, what she DID say that really stuck with me was something like how she can understand how people look at her and say what they say and how they can't believe she did such a horrific thing and what kind of person is she to do something like that? She said that had this not happened to her, she would be one of those people saying that too, to whomever it was sitting in the chair she was in. I am glad she said that - so often, people think "Oh, I could never do that" and you know, I also don't think I could ever do that either but at the same time, I do not feel I have a right to judge her because I was not standing in her shoes, in her situation at the time that she was.

    And something I thought of later, when I re-read the part about my mom is there was a time when my mom did have her head in the sand when she shouldn't have...but boy, did she ever make it up to me when I was pregnant. When I was about 14 years old (probably the worst years of my entire life was when I was 12 - 14), I was very unhappy, to the point where I just felt sad and hopeless all the time - I don't know exactly why but at the time, it made sense to me, I would take a cigarette and burn my arm until I couldn't leave the cigarette there any longer - I wanted to feel the physical pain because it would somehow shut off the emotional pain, if only temporarily, but it was better than nothing. There was a lot going on in our lives at that time, my mom had a boyfriend who was a horrible person and she was so co-dependent on him, she became someone I don't even know - a completely different person than the mom I had before him and the mom I have now - anyway, all her time and energy was put into him (which went completely unappreciated by him) and when she wasn't with him, she was working because at that time, she worked 2 jobs. I guess she just didn't want to have to deal with whatever was going on with me because to do that, would mean taking a look at her life and realizing that she needed to make some changes and down deep, she didn't want to make those changes - she had even said, at one time when my sister (one of the many times my sister went round and round with her) told her she needed to stop paying so much attention to her boyfriend and start paying more attention to her child that needed her mom (me, not my sister because my sister was nearly 30 at the time and had her own family and kids) - my mom's response was that she had already raised 2 kids, she was tired of being a mother all the time and wanted and needed time for herself and this made her happy)...anyway, she (my mom) asked me about the marks on my arm and I told her they were mosquito bites - she said, "Oh, okay" and we never had the conversation again. My sister came over one day and sat me down, in front of my mom and asked the same question, "What are those marks on your arm?" I told her mosquito bites, and my mom even took up for me - she insisted to my sister that they were mosquito bites, just like Lisa said because Lisa wouldn't lie about that....my sister went ballistic and told my mom to wake up! Those aren't mosquito bites - she said she knew what mosquito bites looked like and they didn't look like the marks all over my arm - she finally got me to admit that I had been burning myself and my mom seemed genuinely shocked. I think she was - I think in her heart, she wanted to believe they were mosquito bites because it was easier to do that than to face the reality if they weren't. This was the first time I went to live with my sister and her family (I lived with them twice, this time only lasted a few months, the second time, when I was 15 lasted 2 years, then I moved in with my dad and step-mom and that lasted a year, then I got pregnant and by the time I delivered, my mom had broken up with her boyfriend and was "ready to be a mom" again and my life gradually improved.

    But anyway, I know it took a lot of courage for her to face something she didn't want to face (when she suspected I was pregnant) and I'm not sure why she was able to at that time but not the times before that but probably the time when I needed her to be there the most, she was.

    -Lisa

  12. How do I make my mom understand?

    in Considering Adoption?

    Posted

    Yes, absolutely Martha...that is definitely a message I was hoping would ring out through my post. Noone is immune to this, this type of act is not reserved for murderers/evil people, i think there is something very different going on here. And I don't know the answer as to how you ensure that line of communication is open, because as i said, my mom and i talked very freely w/one another and i did know my mom loved me more than anything, no matter what, i was fearful of disappointing her and her expectations she had for me and i was fearful of getting in trouble and being lectured to. I know i certainly never want to send a message to kayleigh that teenage sex is okay, but i also want her to feel comfortable talking to me if that is something that happens.....oh brother, i'm glad that's a few years off before i need to worry about it...yikes!

    i do know, what i learned from my experience and how my mom handled it is i will not keep my head in the sand and kayleigh will probably complain that i invade her privacy because as a mother, i will be all in her business and will do more than just ask questions and accept her answers.....i don't know how yet, but i am going to make sure i am very, very involved....even if it makes her mad, it's my responsibility as her mother.

    lisa

  13. How do I make my mom understand?

    in Considering Adoption?

    Posted

    I am not sure if anyone watched Oprah last week when she interviewed Jessica Coleman, a girl who is now 21 and serving 6 years in a maximum security prison because at the age of 15, she delivered a baby boy at home, alone in the bathroom after hiding her pregnancy and tragically, this little guy just never had a chance - she hid his body in a duffle bag in her closet until her boyfriend arrived (the next day I believe) and dumped the duffle bag in a local quarry (the bag was found a few months later by divers - however, Jessica lived 6 years with her secret (just she and her then-boyfriend knew) until one day, it was too much for her and she confided in her current boyfriend at a public place, someone overheard and placed a call to the police and Jessica subsequently confessed to what she did to her son. Jessica Coleman (link to story on Oprah's site)

    Whew! I wasn't sure whether or not I could actually watch this program - it hits very close to home with me on many levels. I Tivo'd it and started it one day then couldn't finish it, then when Lance was home, we watched it together and I made it through the program.

    I personally don't think anyone in that situation will actually find themselves reading the forum or this thread (nor am I entirely confident that the Safehaven laws will save children who otherwise would have been disposed of (for lack of a better word) by their mothers) and the reason I think that is because I believe these girls are in such denial about their pregnancy, to seek help through browsing the internet for adoption information or by learning about safe places they can turn to once they deliver would mean them confronting something so terrifying to them that their very existence in this world is at risk. I hope I'm not misunderstood, I am not in support of this type of thing, although at a deep level, I can relate/understand (I'm not sure either of those are the words I'm looking for) to the mindset someone may have in order to go through with ending the life of their child, after they are born. I don't know that they even allow themself to consider that the baby is real and is a human being, the denial is so great, it overtakes any logic or rational behavior - this is why I think "good girls" (as Jessica was described) are at a greater risk for this than a drug addict or "girl with a reputation" (one of the things the investigator commented on when he first met Jessica was how different she was from who he expected would be the baby's mother (because the community had known about this child for the 6 years that Jessica lived with her secret and had come up with their own conclusions of what kind of monster could do this to an innocent child). I looked at Lance and said I totally disagree with him (the investigator), I think it's those girls who are trying desperately to please their parents and maintain a certain image at home and at school who could convince themselves that if they can just get rid of the baby, it will all just go away and their lives will continue as usual - they don't have to confront their parents and risk ridicule or disappointment.

    When I suspected I was pregnant, before anyone knew, I was in so much denial - I just couldn't possibly allow myself to acknowledge &/or accept that my life was about to change and that my parents (mostly my mom because my dad and I didn't have a close relationship) would feel betrayed by me and angry with me and would say things to me that I was already saying to myself and I didn't want to have to hear from them. I just couldn't accept that "this" had happened to me. I honestly felt that death (my own) would be better than having to confront my mom about my problem - I prayed to God every day that the reason my period didn't come was because I had some sort of cancer - that seemed easier to deal with than being pregnant. I even would move heavy furniture around hoping that the pregnancy would just go away (not realizing that had I miscarried, my parents surely would have found out ). I don't know how long I would have or could have kept my pregnancy a secret but I know that I could never, ever tell my mom - and my mom and I had a very, very close and personal relationship - we talked about everything, we had gone through so much together - but that, I just couldn't tell her that I had been sexually active and that I thought I was pregnant....and I just can't emphasize enough how close we were...anyway, had it not been for my mom's persistence...I don't know what would have happened. I gained 80 pounds when I was pregnant so I hardly believe that I would have been able to hide my pregnancy forever but I just couldn't tell her.

    I had gone to visit my mom that summer in July (because I was living with my dad - I got pregnant in May 1988) and after 2 or 3 weeks, my mom began asking me if I needed her to buy me any female products (for my "monthly visitor") and I kept saying no, I didn't need any. After 2 weeks of me saying I didn't need any, she began asking me if I was pregnant. I emphatically said "NO! Because to be pregnant meant that I had been sexually active and I certainly wasn't sexually active so no, Mom...there's no way I'm pregnant." It didn't matter to her, she just kept bugging me, day after day - every evening - she'd start bugging me about whether or not I was pregnant - and I almost even told her that yes, I did need female products and I was going to put the empty wrappers in the trash can so she'd quit asking me but I also knew that doing that would only prolong it and I guess I just wanted her to know but I didn't want to have to tell her or admit it. Finally, one night - she went through it again with me and this time she told me, "Lisa, this is your last chance to tell me if there's any way you could be pregnant because tomorrow, I'm taking you to the doctor and he's going to find out and we'll know if you are". I seized the opportunity to tell her and sure enough, she took me to the doctor and I was pregnant. And once she knew, I suddenly realized that I was still alive and my life had not ended and she was not as angry or as disappointed as I thought she would be - she never even started lecturing me on how she just knew something like this was going to happen - she never said that...she just told me that it was okay and we'd get through it, just like we'd gotten through everything else.

    I am not blaming Jessica's mother or the mother of the other girl that Elizabeth posted about because the responsibility clearly (in my opinion) lies with these girls who did the unthinkable - but I will say that I think these mothers (as well as Kayleigh's birth-grand-mother who also never knew that her 17 year old daughter was pregnant even though she saw her every day) must have been in as much denial as their daughters - they must have been just as terrified of the reality of the situation as their daughters were because they did not pursue the truth - they may have suspected it but because they did not want to know or think that their daughter could possibly be pregnant, because the truth was so unimaginable for them and painful for them - they kept their blinders on and just believed that everything was normal, when there must have been opportunities to realize that possibly, it wasn't. I'm not saying that these people ever imagined or expected their child to do this, but I am just so grateful to my mom for being so brave and for pushing me and pushing me, to the point of me being so frustrated with her and angry at her for not believing me (because a part of me also didn't believe) and for being brave enough to seek the truth and follow her mother's intuition, even though she must have been so scared of what the future held.

    So anyway, those are my thoughts on this - if any of you have the opportunity to watch this or see it as a re-run, I would recommend viewing this because if you're ever wondering what a scared expectant mother goes through (not all, but some) emotionally when trying to confront the truth, this will give you a glimpse. I totally think Jessica is still wrestling with denial based on her reactions and responses to some of the questions Oprah asked her. To me, she may have remorse, but there also still seemed to be a part of her that is still choosing to not believe this ever happened to her (because the truth is just far too painful to confront and accept).

    -Lisa

  14. Picking & Choosing

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    There were two really great posts in response to a post I did recently on another subject (under the topic, "This is the Time You Want to Give Up, Finding a Needle in a Haystack") that I felt were just too good to not copy them here as they relate so directly to this particular subject.

    I hope these posts will touch the lives of others who are still evaluating and making these types of decisions, they were spoken so much from the heart and I just wanted to be sure they didn't get buried somewhere where they wouldn't be found by someone looking for just this type of support.

    -Lisa

    Thanks Martha, actually - this time, it isn't so much to do with wanting it right now, it's wanting to know we're doing the right thing.....

    It sounds as though you are having second thoughts. Perhaps you need to give it to God. Pray to him for peace of mind and heart in whichever way you are meant to go. Ask specifically for him to show you what you should do. Ask him to give you a sense of calm and peace with whatever decision you make.

    "I just wonder, with the bumps we've had this time, whether it's something we're trying to force or whether this is just all part of it."

    Personally, I think the experiences you are having are all part of the process. No two journeys are the same and yours has taken you up and down the hills and valleys of emotion. Each experience you have can teach you something and has a purpose of its own. Sometimes these reasons are not evident until much later and sometimes they never appear clearly. You have said several times that you are sad to think of parenting a single child and that the sibling bond is highly important. Perhaps, the hic-ups in this journey have served a purpose to cause you to pause and think. I wonder.............Have you considered how wonderful a little brother might be for Kayleigh? Maybe the pause is time for you to reflect on the narrow scope you have set for your next child. Perhaps God has someone else in mind. Please do not be offended. I truly believe that God has a plan and that he knows the child that fits perfectly into your family and lives. Maybe your hearts and minds need to have a broader scope, after all, Jesus loves ALL the little children of the world.

    I can tell you that I never imagined myself raising a boy. I never imagined myself raising an African American boy. But God knew better. My hic-ups included 10 years of "trying", IVF, two matches that did not result in placement of what would have been a caucasian girl, and a caucasian baby sex unknown. Divorce, soul searching and opportunites created by God lead me to my precious son. He is the only child I can even imagine in my life. He is absolutely perfect in my eyes (And in God's) and I KNOW he is the one God selected for me. Why? I am certain He has a purpose both for Nathan and for me. Sometimes we have to let go and LET GOD. That's what I did and I have never had a doubt or second thought since.

    I'm sending you hugs and love, Lisa. You are a friend and I hope you will take this post in the spirit that it is intended and that is just to give you food for thought as I can feel you are struggling with what to do.

    Disclaimer: Only my opinion.

    thanks Jean....your insight and kind words are much appreciated.

    Lance and I had a long talk when he got home from work this evening...kayleigh had fallen asleep o we had one another's undivided attention which is a rare thing lately...possibly let it go too long [us checking in w/each other and really talking, rather than just being on auto-pilot as one tends to do because you just get so busy...easy to forget to take the time and just check-in...he's been travelling and working late and i've been caught up w/my stuff and anyway, maybe we just needed to sit down, take a deep breath and remember why we're here, doing what we're doing....i think too, norally, when i'm stressed, i would eat which i can't do now so i'm still learning how to cope w/bad days, gum weeks, anxiety, etc in other ways....this just all sort of caught me off guard and definitely, i feel better now having talked to him...i think i'm so worried we'll have another disappointment and i just wasn't sure i could go through another false start again, emotionally...anyway, doing better now [he reminded me of my strength and his confidence in me]...

    thank you so much though...i am so touched by your words and thoughts and shoulder...which feels very good.

    lisa

    Dearest Lisa,

    Gosh..I have wanted to reply sooner, but I have been trying to get my thoughts together. I completely understand your feelings, by now you know that you aren't alone and aren't the only one to questions this process.

    I am so gald that you and Lance had the chance to reconnect and you are feeling better. Honestly - I think the purpose for the journey can only be known when you get to your intended destination.

    Jean's word reflect a very similiar, personal and delicate conversation I had with two of my dearest friends in the world during their adoption journey. They were fustarted with the domestic process and had decided to pursue an international adoption while "waiting" for their domestic child. They had been on the list for over 3 years and they need to be placed with a domestic child at least 6 months before receiving the referal for their chinese daughter...it was down to a matter of weeks before they would have to put the whole domestic plan on hold - when Gabriel and I had dinner with them. I challenged them to re-think their check list on a lot of levels - but espically regarding race. For some reason - the whole having a chinese daughter would make them a transracial family had excaped them. I simple said - Chinese people are not white to my friends- maybe they needed to re-think things! I can honestly tell you that the silence at that table was loud! WE moved on to other subjects but the next day they called me to say they were headed to the SW to "talk things over". I don't really know what they did that day, but 4 weeks later when they saw their son Sam for the 1st time - my friends 1st thought was OMG - he's white! I do know that a few things got changed from a flat "no" to "consult" And they believe it DID make a difference in them being blessed with their son. . Three years later, we laugh about the whole process(only becasue both of us are done)... but I remember when they left for China 7 months later with their son in their arms, .....they called me from the airport to say "thanks for that chat".

    I hope NO one is offended by me sharing that story - Gosh I hope not. Decisions about adoption are very personal, and I do understand that. And I am not saying that anyone should do any thing that they are not comfortable with....but I do believe sometimes I need to re-examine, re-think, re-educate myself, and sometimes things look different. Maybe that's what happened for my friends - I do know that I love them both and their two children. And If it hadn't been for April's pushing me to venture out on the internet superhighway after almost two years of waiting (again) When I was feeling like "it was never gonna happen a 2nd time" and "i was getting too old" and "maybe I was pushing my luck". If she hadn't pushed me this time, I might have missed out on some very special relationships- and I can't imagine my life without Parker and all of you!

    Lisa - YOU are the blessing to many including Kayleigh, your birth daughter, your husband, your family and friends and the Forum community, and you so richly deserve to have all of YOUR wishes and dreams come true. You exude love, passion and have a real gift for putting yourself out there.

    Keeping all of the special woman of this community in my prayers - All of your deserve to be Mothers - No matter if its for the 1st time or the 4th- No matter if the child they desire is a boy or a girl - No matter the color of the child skin. You all are amazing - and deserve to have your hearts desires fulfilled

  16. FBI checks

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    stephanie,

    my understanding from the letter angela sent out [referenced in her post above] and her post above is ALL Texas residents must have their fingerprints done electronically as Texas dept family services requires they receive the clearance electronically, regardless of whether or not you have current FBI clearance through te paper cars as we asked the same question wheen we rec'd that letter from abrazo [because we too did the fingerprit thing through fbi the old fashioned way...shortly before you if i recall correctly. when i talked to angela about it [afer receiving that letter] she said she'd look into it for me but i never heard back from her so i just assumed that letter applied to us as well, not just to people who haven't had fbi clearance done...so, we went ahead and did it electronically as well.

    However, please do call Angela Monday and check and if you don't need to do it electronically, pease let me know as that's one less thing i have to think about [even tho we've already done it, i won't have to worry and wonder when the clearance comes back]

    Lisa

  17. FBI checks

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    Hey there Texas residents who have had electronic fingerprints done...

    I'm curious as to how long it's taking for them to come back?

    Are there any families on here who have had them done and have them back yet? Not to be nosy or anything, just thought it may be helpful for us to share the info on what sort of timeframe we should/could expect.

    On October 18, I checked Identix's website to see when the soonest we could schedule an appt would be and scheduled one for October 31st for both of us so that's when we had ours. They gave us receipts (which I haven't sent to Angela yet, oops!) to send to Abrazo to prove we've done it...now, we just wait and see how long it takes.

    I'll keep y'all posted on when ours come back - I'm guessing the only way to find out is to call Angela to find out if she's heard anything???

    Lisa

  20. Your First Post!

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I'll start!

    This is my first post, I remember it well - we had just finished our 2nd IVF cycle and learned we weren't pregnant and we had already discussed that if that one didn't work, we would grow our family through adoption. I had heard about Abrazo for 4 years from my mom - a friend of hers had a daughter and son-in-law who had adopted through Abrazo and had a really good experience - finally, I decided to contact this person that my mom had been bugging me to call for over 4 years! She shared her adoption experience with me, said glowing things about Abrazo and told me about their website and forum and I checked it out immediately. I think I spent a couple of days reading through the posts on here (which weren't so plentiful as they are now) and finally decided to take the plunge and ask the biggest questions I had at the time regarding adoption and our us adopting successfully - I was so concerned about how I would look to birthparents as I was overweight and also, I was concerned with how birthparents would feel about me as I too was a birthparent. I was very nervous about posting and worried that people wouldn't welcome me to the forum or would just ignore me and say nothing - I was worried that I'd offend someone with my questions - I worried a lot about my posts but almost immediately, I started getting responses and everyone was so kind and I felt so much better. I heard from Abrazo soon after my post (because by that time, I'd already sent in my initial inquiry) and we were invited to attend the August 2002 Orientation (to my surprise! I couldn't believe how quickly things were moving - in just a month's time, we went from finding out IVF wasn't the route to our becoming parents to making the commitment to adopt through Abrazo. Then, on December 6, 2002 - we received the call that changed our lives forever (and you can read all about that in our thread under "Joyous Journeys" called Lance & Lisa's Beautiful Daughter, Kayleigh (by the way, the Joyous Journeys thread is a wonderful place to check out too).

    ;)  I'm not sure if I'm posting mine correctly or not.  My topic falls in line w/Opus' topic as we're new to the adoption process & have lots of questions.  I've completed the pre-application & will be sending it off soon so hopefully, we'll hear something as soon as you did Opus.  I noticed there were some birthmothers who also read & respond to some of the posts here.  I have a couple of questions. #1 - I am about 60 pounds overweight.  I'm currently working with a personal trainer to develop a healthier lifestyle (I don't have any medical issues from my weight) & I'm sooo worried about the pictures.  Part of me is so ready to get started & part of me wants to wait until I look better to do this.  Thoughts???  Also - 13 1/2 yrs ago, I placed a baby girl for adoption (unfortunately, the agency I placed with only offered closed adoptions at that time - I was 17 & in 1989, it just didn't seem like open adoptions were as prevalent as they are now or maybe I just didn't know enough back then).  Anyway - I wonder how this will affect how a birthmother views me?

    Thanks!

  21. Your First Post!

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I thought it would be kinda fun to reminiscence a bit about the very first time we ever posted on the forum - what was that post? what were we thinking when we posted it? were we nervous? what were we hoping for? how did we find the forum? etc etc etc?

    I guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic with all the new members and Orientation groups on the forum who are just getting their feet wet in this place called Abrazo's Forum - it's been a little over 4 years and 2000 posts for me when I very first posted here but I still remember well those early days and feeling like at last, I'd found where I was supposed to be!

    So, I invite you all to go back and find your very first post and copy it here (I'll tell ya how I did mine in a bit but there's all sorts of ways to do it) and think back to that time (even it wasn't so long ago) and add some commentary, nothing much...just have a little fun thinking back on those early days (and maybe some new folks will feel as though they're not alone when they first find the forum and see that we have all been there, worried about that first post, worried if we're saying the right thing or asking the right questions (by the way, there really are no right or wrong questions - so ask away!) and let's help welcome all the new souls who find their way to Abrazo's Forum!

    -Lisa

    To find your first post:

    1) Click on your user name

    2) This will take you to the "Viewing Profile" screen - click on the drop down menu "Profile Options"

    3) Select "Find Member's Posts"

    4) Click the very last set of arrows (double arrows) that will take you to the last page of your posts (which are actually the first posts you did - the pages are arranged in reverse chronological order)

    5) Find the very last post in the list (which is actually your very first post) and then click the number after "Post Preview" which appears at the bottom of your post (mine is #302)

    6) This will take you to the thread that contains your very first post (although strangely, it doesn't take you to the exact post in the list :huh: ) Oh well, anyway - find your first post there and then click "Quote" at the end of your post (it will make it turn red and have a minus sign next to it)

    7) Then, come back to this thread and click "Add Reply" and it should put your first post there in quotes - then, type away (after the quote part)

    If all else fails, PM me and I'll help ya out with this.

    -Lisa

  22. Celebrity Adoptions

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    I too have been trying to figure out how I feel about all this...I have to say, I was not at all "impressed" by the Madonna interview on Oprah - she used this horribly antiquated way of thinking analogy when describing why she thinks David's biological father is saying he didn't realize adoption is forever - I can't remember how it went exactly other than she implied that how most adoptions are done here, these days, are where the birthmother never sees or hears from the adoptive parents again. At that moment, I realized that Madonna is just so representative of so many normal people in the US who are just so clueless and uneducated about adoption - she is no different - despite her celebrity'ness, wealth, etc - she's totally clueless and has a lot to learn. I guess, from that perspective, I don't feel angry at her for her reasons, etc for this adoption - I think, like many people, she (despite her saying she doesn't watch TV or read the newspapers) has heard all the cries for help for Africa and the orphans in Africa (and other 3rd World Countries) and felt that by adopting a child, she was helping. Where she (and the child) were failed I believe has to do with the messages that are being sent - even when we attended the Fost-Adopt seminar when we briefly considered going that route for our 2nd adoption, the message, clearly was - there are so many children in need of homes, all they need is a family to call their own (I'm overly simplyfying that - there was also discussion about their needs, etc) and I think many of the people there were also motivated to be there for saintly (for lack of a better word) reasons. I think people come to adoption for so many different reasons - not all are the reasons I personally believe is a reason to adopt, and whether or not David (or any other child who was adopted by their parents as a way for them to feel good about "giving a home to a child who may die otherwise" (or whatever she said - which I'll get to in a bit) will grow up with a positive feeling on his adoption and his birthparents and his parents is a question I'm certainly not prepared to answer - maybe he will, maybe he won't.

    What did make me feel very uncomfortable was when Madonna said something about how if she and Guy Ritchie hadn't adopted David, he would basically be dead by the time he was 5 (or sooner) or something like that. I thought to myself - "Gosh, that's a huge burden for a child to grow up with - why did she say that? No child who has been adopted should ever feel grateful to their parents, like they owe their life to their parents, for being brought into their homes/lives" I'm not sure I'm conveying what I'm thinking very well - I just felt it was wrong for her to publicly say (and privately think) that if it weren't for them, David wouldn't be alive. How will she be able to raise him without that hanging over his head if she is thinking it so much that she's willing to communicate that to millions of viewers across the world?

    Clearly, she has not had any adoption education (or if she has, it's been with some very outdated social workers and adoption professionals) and hopefully, she'll be open to learning as she goes (as we all have done and continue to do) for the benefit of her son's future and self-image, and her own enlightenment.

    As for those who adopt to save a child, I agree - it's not a reason I personally subscribe to but there are so many organizations that send that message and it's sure to appeal to some people - I just hope and pray that even when someone looks to adoption and initially, it's not for the right reasons, that they reach out to the wealth of information on adoptees and adoptive parenting and can have a different perspective on the kind of life and parenting they want to offer their child.

    Adoption is just so complicated from so many different angles - I have worried, numerous times about my child who I placed for adoption, if she has any issues as an adoptee - have her parents nurtured whatever questions, feelings, thoughts, etc she has had about adoption, etc? And...which issues would have been worse? The issues she would have faced being parented by me while I was still trying to grow up - because I still had so much to learn and I know those first few years would have been quite a struggle for us and I have no doubt she would have issues as a result of that...or, her issues that she may or may not have as an adoptee??? Who's to know?

    And, completely off the subject - I do find it terribly disturbing that so much attention has been put on Madonna's adoption when there are obviously some horrible and very wrong adoptions going on still - there was a Dateline Story (and I think Oprah devoted all of about 10 minutes to the story) on a little girl named Masha from Russia who was adopted by a divorced dad who did not receive a proper homestudy or homestudy update (the adoption was handled by some facilitator I think) and for several years, he sexually abused her and posted pictures of her on the internet - I have a hard time believing she is the only child who has ever been adopted to basically be abused by some sick'o. I wish more attention would be put on outing those types of wrongful adoptions then whether or not Madonna's adoption of David was legal and genuine.

    -Lisa

  24. Homestudy Updates

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted

    bumping this informative topic for my fish friends as the topic of homestudy costs came up over dinner saturday night...it says updates, but people have also shared their original homestudy costs as well

    [and Char, someone posted the going rate in MI is roughly 1600, so y'all were right to think the 2300 quote one agency gave you was on thehigh side]

  25. Financing An Adoption

    in Looking to Adopt

    Posted · Edited by linlacor

    And, just let me say again that Abrazo will go the distance in keeping costs as low as possible, knowing that you have to feed and clothe your child once you take placement. But, the costs can still be high, so remember, this is a child your investing in, not a car that loses value as soon as you drive off the lot. If it costs as much, remember that he/she appreciates in value over time and so will your life.

    You all are asking great questions and I hope your getting some good answers!

    Christina

    I could not agree with you more on this point (and thanks Christina for fielding that question as well, I know when we began our journey, this weighed heavily on my mind - it was like jumping into the unknown and the sky was the limit - we were just trying to get our ducks in a row and would have loved some real life scenarios (and one of the great things at Orientation is they address this but still, even before we went to Orientation, we were just very interested in the financial side of things - I guess after going through 2 unsuccessful IVF attempts (with no insurance coverage), we were just a little sensitive to how far we could go in order to bring home our child. Anyway, I'm not explaining very well but basically - I just wanted to say that I know this is probably one of the number one things couples/individuals are curious about so it was nice of you to share some info here.

    I actually don't remember the estimate for the expenses associated with Kayleigh's adoption - perhaps because I don't think I was given one until we had already said yes. You see, Kayleigh was a BOG and her birthmother did not qualify for medicaid, nor did she have insurance. Our insurance kicked in on placement - so, when we received the call about Kayleigh - it was explained to us that her case was a private pay case (meaning, we would be 100% responsible for all of her and her birthmother's medical bills - no chance of medicaid kicking in at any time). I remember asking Elizabeth - do you have any estimate at all at this point (this was when she was giving me the very limited details she had at that time on Kayleigh and the case associated with her adoption) - she said no, and she wasn't sure when she would (she was very blunt and honest with me on that). I thought back to Orientation and I remembered we had asked Abrazo what the highest possible case could be that they've seen (which typically involves either/or private pay and legal risk...Kayleigh was both) and I thought - Okay, so...we're talking this will be on the higher end of the estimate that was discussed in Orientation, right? One thing though, Kayleigh was born at home - and when she was taken to the hospital, she was admitted to the well baby nursery...so, I was thinking - the medical bills couldn't be too much, right? Wrong. Within 24 hours of being admitted to the hospital, Kayleigh was admitted to the NICU (the neo-natal intensive care unit). We covered 3'ish days of NICU care for Kayleigh - out of our pocket - she was born 12/5/02 and we took placement on 12/9/02 - our insurance kicked in after we took placement. Then, the medical bills began arriving (oh yeah, I forgot to mention - we said yes to the case (obviously), and I remember the moment we met Kayleigh thinking that if I have to work 2 jobs for the rest of my life and live out of a car, we will figure out a way to cover whatever expenses come our way - there was no way finances were going to come in between us and this precious baby girl who we just knew needed us as much as we needed her (okay, so maybe we DID need her a bit more than she needed us but still - I felt (as did Lance) that the three of us were just all supposed to be together, I've never been more certain of anything in my entire life). Anyway, back to those medical bills - you know Christina - you couldn't be more right about how they can vary widely! I remember getting a call from Abrazo saying to me, "You're not going to believe this but the doctor who examined Kayleigh's birthmother when she was taken to the hospital (after she had already given birth at home) is charging a delivery fee!" There were numerous things like that - I kept a spreadsheet of all the bills as they arrived (some were sent directly to us (which we had to forward to Abrazo) and some showed up on EOB's from our insurance (as denied as her coverage hadn't kicked in yet) and was in regular contact with Abrazo. I have to say - they came through in a BIG, BIG way for us! I was/am so grateful for that - they worked tirelessly to negotiate, on our behalf with the hospital (and fortunately, Kayleigh was taken to a hospital who was willing to negotiate, there is a hospital I'm aware of who refuse to negotiate medical bills for private pay cases, it is what it is, they say) and wittled them down to a very, very manageable amount - about half of what they would have been if we had paid them in full.

    The reason this had such an impact on me is because one of my biggest fears when we began our adoption journey was whether or not an agency would take advantage of us and our vulnerability - would they constantly ask for money, make promises but we'd find ourselves 5 years later with an empty adoption fund and still childless. When my mom told me about her friend who had worked with Abrazo and had a wonderful experience (the birthmother they adopted their child from was eligible for medicaid, so although they had to pay all the medical bills up front through Abrazo - when they went to finalize their son's adoption, Abrazo cut them a check for around $10,000 which was what had been set aside by this couple in case Medicaid didn't come through). That just spoke volumes to me at that time about what kind of an agency Abrazo was. Then, I experienced it first hand - they treat the funds and expenses as if the money was coming from their own pocket - I have found this to be the case over and over and over again - I would trust them as a co-signer on our bank account because I know how conservative and modest they are when it comes to maternity support, medical expenses, legal expenses, etc. I just can't emphasize enough how far above and beyond they go when it comes to this part of the process - they do so much that we are never even aware of - lots go on behind the scenes. Although it is impossible to really know the end result of the expenses involved with each adoption (because medical bills and legal bills can certainly vary a LOT), you can have confidence that Abrazo will do everything within their scope to treat your funds with care and consideration and will keep you very aware of variable situations.

    -Lisa

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