linlacor

Ernie and Gina - congratulations on your bundle of blue!!!! What a touching story!!! So glad you guys have been blessed in this way!!! -Lisa

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!! I NEED PICTURES!!! PICTURES, PICTURES, PICTURES - PLEASE - PICTURES!!! TWO PLACEMENTS IN ONE DAY - WHEW!!! BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE POST SOME PICTURES!!!! Okay, there - I've said it - just really, really am dying to see pictures!!! Lisa

How exciting Karen! I can just imagine how much you guys were beaming, seeing your baby girl up there! Congratulations Cassie! What a fantastic experience and accomplishment! (Theater/Drama is very near and dear to my heart - I was very involved in theater in high school and had a part in The Music Man my freshman year and had a part in Oklahoma! my sophmore year then did some Shakespeare stuff my Junior year - so.....I'm SUPER proud of Cassie too! Way to go!!!) -Lisa

Very interesting.....I hadn't really ever thought of this - there has never seemed to be any sort of bonding issue or any difference between my mom and Kayleigh (Lance's mom is just so far away, in England, it's really hard to know how things really are with her - but at least she seems as though she totally accepts Kayleigh - of course, Kayleigh is her only grand-child also). I hate to speak for my mom but I guess I will - I'll have to get her to read this sometime though when she's at my house and get her to express her own thoughts as well. My mom did not really support our infertility treatment efforts - she began pushing adoption very early on - she did NOT want me to do in-vitro (the hormones made her nervous) and she had a friend whose daughter and son-in-law had such a wonderful experience adopting their son (through Abrazo), she begged me for 4 years to call that agency in San Antonio that Michelle had used. She was so relieved when I called her to ask for the number - so, adoption was always her "first choice" for how our family should be built anyway. My cousins were adopted (my dad's sister and her husband adopted their 2 children) and so my mom always saw them as members of our family who belonged in our family - she just never had any hang-ups really with adoption. She never really had any fears of birthparents - perhaps because her daughter (i.e. me ) is one - I mean, I don't think she was quite as educated/fearless as I was with regards to open adoption, etc and she has learned a lot along the way through me - but she's also been open to learning about it - and I've been armed with good information on it compliments of you guys (Abrazo) so it's been easy to explain things to her, answer her questions, reassure her, etc. Now, she's very excited about open adoption and I wouldn't say she finds the lack of contact with Kayleigh's birthfamily as frustrating as I do but she does have a strong desire as well to have them in our lives and more importantly, in Kayleigh's life. There is a very, very, very strong bond between my mom and Kayleigh - my mom even tells me that she never thought she could love a child as much as she loved me...until Kayleigh came along - and I don't know what it is exactly, but the connection between my mom and Kayleigh is deep and thick and mutual. My oldest sister also shares a very strong connection with Kayleigh - we never planned it this way but both my mom and oldest sister were very involved in the process when we rec'd the call about Kayleigh - I was actually with them and not Lance when that call happened. Lance was in Seattle and I was in Dallas with them - so they experienced that first 24 hours with me, every high, every low, every twist, every turn - it was them that I went through it with - not so much with Lance - they were sitting right there when the call came in the first time - they were sitting right with me when the call came the second time, the next day when we learned that Kayleigh was in fact going to be placed with us - so they felt very, very emotionally invested in the process - my other sister, was being kept informed on the phone but it wasn't the same as actually being with me like Stacy and my mom were. Then, again - we didn't plan this but I went to Austin to be with Kayleigh when we got the "okay" and Lance arrived later that night - unfortunately, he had to fly back to Seattle to get back to work shortly after placement/paperwork signed because we had just returned from a 2 week vacation a few days before getting the call about Kayleigh. Kayleigh had to stay in Austin in the NICU and I stayed with her - I thought I could do it alone and I was trying to be strong but I realized, a few hours after he left how much I needed someone with me - I called my mom and she flew to Austin that day and stayed with me the rest of the time - she was with me and Kayleigh in the NICU every day, every night. We stayed in the same room at the Ronald McDonald House - she rocked with me, she was my rock and we experienced that week or so together - the three of us - so again, my mom was very emotionally invovled and I depended on her - as did my baby girl, for emotional support. It helps too I think that my mom and Kayleigh share a birthday - my mom is convinced it's no accident that they share a birthday - my mom says all of our beloved relatives in heaven knew we needed our Kayleigh in our lives - and just to make sure we all knew they had a hand in it, they chose my mom (and sister's) birthday to give us a sign. My mom just feels as though Kayleigh has always been who our child was supposed to be - people my mom worked with before she fully retired were always surprised to find out that Kayleigh is actually my mom's 7th grand-child - not her first because of how much my mom talks about Kayleigh (the other grand-kids are all grown - that was another big thing I think when Kayleigh came along, there hadn't been a baby in the family for 17 years - and my mom was soooo ready at that point to be a grand-mother again). Very interesting though - I'll try to remember to have her come back to this and add anything I may not have thought about. Lisa

Thank you...when I re-read my post, I hope it comes across as I meant it - I guess one of the biggest things I looked for, when we first rec'd my sister's diagnosis was survivor stories - I wanted to read about those who had "beaten the odds" and I took so much comfort in reading about those who had come through their cancer battle and were counting down the years they were a survivor. So, hopefully - my sister's story will also offer hope and comfort to anyone else who may need it. We have learned to make every effort to not take a day for granted..... Lisa

In light of Elizabeth Edwards' announcement that her breast cancer has metastisized (spelling?), I wanted to share some positive news about a breast cancer survivor who is near and dear to my heart...my oldest sister was diagnosed with Stage III Breast Cancer (Inflammatory Breast Cancer) in August 2004. She just had her regular follow-up appointment (they have been every 4 months since treatment) last week and got another excellent report. She is almost at the 3 year mark which is HUGE for IBC survivors (their 3 year suvivor milestone is like other breast cancer 5 year survivor milestones). Praise God, thank you for your prayers - and thank you to those amazing doctors who helped my sister. Lisa

bumping this up

Nice

that picture gives me chills!!!!!!!!! i am soooooo happy for all in the photo....for the birthfamily because what anawesome, loving family they've just become a part of and for laura and eric because their hearts and lives will never be te same again now that they know jack!!! cngrats!! lisa

Jenny, thanks for sharing and by the way...you're totally in the right place - and your post was awesome. I feel touched that you shared with us...thank you. Lisa

BIG Amen!!!!!

Just to re-iterate what Garden of Hope is saying, I'm copying a post that Elizabeth did not long ago under the thread "Waiting for a future Orientation". She explains very well (in my opinion) in that post all the factors that go into deciding who gets an invitation to which Orientation. One thing I can definitely attest to, the least restrictive you are, the more available you allow yourself to be to birthparents contacting Abrazo.

Hi, With our first Orientation (we were childless at the time), we sent our application in sometime in July 2002 and were confirmed for the August Orientation (so, a little less than a month) (funny sidenote - there was a December Orientation scheduled in 2002 and we figured we'd get confirmed for that one, not the one in August....as it turned out - we were called and asked if we could make it to the August Orientation - we went and the weekend of the December Orientation was the weekend we received the call about our daughter......talk about divine intervention and timing! Whew!) With our second Orientation (we are againers, we have one child now), we sent in our application in late February 2006 and we attended Orientation in September 2006, so we waited 7 months to attend Orientation. But - that was more because we had issues with our schedule than anything. My husband had to attend a conference in April so we couldn't attend the April Orientation even if Abrazo had invited us to join that one. There was a July Orientation we were scheduled to attend but at the last minute, my hubby had to make a trip to China so we had to back out of that Orientation. The next one that came available was in September and we were confirmed for that one and we went...... -Lisa

You and me both Tina...you and me both..... Especially on that magic ball thing....

I always think of my sister when one talks about not knowing what's in your case - she and her husband birthed 2 beautiful, healthy children (planned births) and learned, quite by surprise that they were expecting a 3rd child when their youngest (my niece) was 4 years old. Of course, it didn't take them long to embrace the pregnancy, after getting over the initial shock of how their lives were going to change (they had settled into their family of 4 routine quite well) when this baby arrived. This was nearly 22 years ago. They gave birth to another beautiful healthy baby boy (their oldest, a son and their youngest, also a son) - he weighed a little over 9 pounds. They settled into their new routine well - adapted to having a newborn in the home - not all that different from what they had experienced the first time...until Jared got a little bit older - things just didn't seem right - he seemed delayed on many levels - and eventually, after numerous appointments with all sorts of specialists and all sorts of brain scans and tests and genetic testing - my nephew was diagnosed with a Delayed Central Nervous System with Autistic Tendencies - basically, Jared is autistic - he is on the very far end of the spectrum - he is nonverbal and functions at about an 18 month old level. Anyway, they had no idea what their case held - but they assumed it was a case similar to what their other 2 cases had held. And, when they learned it didn't, they adapted to the contents and embraced it and found themselves in a very different world than they had ever experienced before....but you'll never hear either one of them (or my nephew and niece for that matter) ever regret Jared entering their lives. I am just as guilty as the next guy of wanting to know what our case will hold and just as fearful as anyone else of the unknown - but I just wonder, why is it that adoptive parents can't have the same degree of faith as parents who give birth do? Why can't we just assume that our case will bring us blessings, in whatever different ways they come? Is it to do with the birthparent factor - or what is it exactly that prohibits us from just holding on to our faith that it will all work out and whatever challenges that case may bring us, will not be too great for us to overcome? Do we underestimate ourselves and our strength and ability to grow and adapt? Or is it that we have choices that parents who give birth don't? If they were presented with the "cases" that we are presented with, would they just say, "any case will do" or would they find themselves asking questions of one another that they would never otherwise ask and making decisions that they otherwise would never have to make? Just something that I find curious???? Lisa

Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us. -Voltaire

I wonder if a good place to start this discussion would be to look at the Tables of Pros & Cons provided in the Fact Sheet I referenced above? I think many of the fears/questions from those who are new to open adoption or who are still exploring adoption are covered under the "Cons" Table for Open Adoption. Abrazo & those reading this - would you agree? I'm sure Abrazo gets lots of calls/inquiries from people who have concerns about open adoption. I wonder, based on all the calls Abrazo has had over the years, what would be the "Top 3 List" of questions/concerns/apprehensions about open adoption Abrazo has heard? I also wonder, for those who had questions/concerns/apprehensions about open adoption when they started but took the plunge anyway - what was your biggest fear/concern/question? For me, and I think this is still the case - I worry about what if I have a hard time relating to my child's birthparent(s) and/or feeling a strong connection with them? What if their value system is so different from mine, their lifestyle is so different from mine that I find it very difficult and even scary at times to develop and grow and nurture the relationship with them? What if they have a substance abuse issue and that clouds their judgement and they call me for help (and not just a shoulder to lean on sort of help - what if it's the kind of help that I can't or I'm not supposed to provide because everything I've ever read and heard about open adoption relationships talks about the inequities inherent in the relationship and providing financial assistance to this person only magnifies those inequities - and why this scares me is not because I don't want to be asked for help by someone who I care about, but because I know I have issues setting boundaries and I know I struggle with feelings of guilt already over the slightest of things - what if I can't say no? What if I say no and they become angry with me or they pull away and we lose contact or it makes the next time we talk very awkward and uncomfortable?) Anyway, I know Elizabeth talks about the "living room couch" test - something about if you can't imagine your child's birthparent sitting on your living room couch and having a conversation with them, then you probably shouldn't be adopting their child (or something like that) - but what if we get a call about a BOG and we don't have the time to get to know our child's birthparent? What if who our birthparent is when we first meet them, isn't who our birthparent is over time? Anyway - this is something I still do think about - not so much that it prevents me in any way from believing in open adoption and wanting it very much - if I find myself in that situation, I'll just deal with it. Why and how do I know I can? Because I've read personal experiences on here that have shared the realities that sometimes happen when two families who come from very different walks of life come together but through the love both families have for their child (and with support and understanding and help from others who have been there/done that) - it works. Nothing is perfect - noone claims that open adoption is perfect or without its challenges - but, as Brenda Romanchik so poignantly expresses in her book What is Open Adoption Okay, so...I think I've provided a lot of food for thought in this post and I hope I get some responses - from all members of the triad and from our resident "scholars" of open adoption (aka Abrazo). And just in case you guys still aren't sure where or how to begin the next post in this thread, here's the list of "Cons" & the list of "Pros" for open adoption as they pertain to the Adoptive Parents (from the tables provided by the Child Welfare Information Gateway). How do these relate to you and your initial thoughts on open adoption or your current thoughts on open adoption? How were you able to resolve some of these "cons" for yourself and move forward with a commitment to open adoption? Are there any that you'd like to add? Potential PROS of Open Adoption for Adoptive Parents Increased sense of having the "right" to parent and increased ability for confident parenting. Potential for authentic relationship with the birth family. More understanding of children's history. Increased empathy for birth parents. Less fear of birth parents reclaiming child because they know the parent and their wishes. Delight of being "chosen" as a parent. Potential CONS of Open Adoption for Adoptive Parents Full responsibility for setting relationship limits and boundaries. Potential pressure: accept openness or no child. Potential difficulty with emotionally disturbed birth parents. Potential for supporting both child and birth parents (emotionally)

To begin with, I think an introduction to what Open Adoption is, what it means is pretty important. I think this definition/point of view of Open Adoption is really, really good. This article is an excerpt from Brenda Romanchik's book "What is Open Adoption" I think everyone can benefit from reading this excerpt (it isn't long, approximately 10 very short paragraphs). What Is Open Adoption? (By Brenda Romanchik) Another really informative bit of information on open adoption can be found by clicking the following link Openness In Adoption - A Fact Sheet For Families which was published by the Child Welfare Information Gateway in 2003, According to the description of this fact sheet on the Child Welfare Information Gateway website, And just in case the link breaks, I've copied the fact sheet here (as it says the information can be freely distributed - as long as I reference the source which is the Child Welfare Information Gateway) The benefit of reading it from the actual website is that it contains links to resources it lists and it's formatted better than what I've just copied here. What is open adoption? Open, or fully disclosed, adoptions allow adoptive parents, and often the adopted child, to interact directly with birth parents. Family members interact in ways that feel most comfortable to them. Communication may include letters, e-mails, telephone calls, or visits. The frequency of contact is negotiated and can range from every few years to several times a month or more. Contact often changes as a child grows and has more questions about his or her adoption or as families' needs change. It is important to note that even in an open adoption, the legal relationship between a birth parent and child is severed. The adoptive parents are the legal parents of an adopted child. The goals of open adoption are: To minimize the child's loss of relationships. To maintain and celebrate the adopted child's connections with all the important people in his or her life. To allow the child to resolve losses with truth, rather than the fantasy adopted children often create when no information or contact with their birth family is available. Is open adoption right for our family? Open adoption is just one of several openness options available to families, ranging from confidential, to semi-open (or mediated), to fully open adoption. In semi-open or mediated adoptions, contact between birth and adoptive families is made through a mediator (e.g., an agency caseworker or attorney) rather than directly. In confidential adoptions no contact takes place and no identifying information is exchanged. Making an open adoption work requires flexibility and a commitment to ongoing relationships, despite their ups and downs. While this type of adoption is not right for every family, open adoption can work well if everyone wants it and if there is good communication, flexibility, commitment to the process, respect for all parties involved, and commitment to the child's needs above all. There are many resources available to help you determine what level of openness might be best for your family. The chart included with this factsheet may help you consider some pros and cons of open adoptions. You can also: EXPLORE THE INTERNET. Several Web sites provide research and issues to consider in open adoption: American Association of Open Adoption Agencies helps families find agencies practicing open adoption. Adoptees on their mailing list respond to the question, "What do you wish your adoptive parents had known?" Minnesota/Texas Adoption Research Project provides information on a longitudinal study of openness in adoption since 1985. The most recent wave included a total of 720 individuals: both parents in 190 adoptive families, at least one adopted child in 171 of the families, and 169 birth mothers. This study was the source of much of the research for this factsheet and the bulletin for professionals. Child Welfare Information Gateway—Postadoption Contact Agreements Between Birth and Adoptive Families1 provides laws for each State on open adoption. Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support offers open adoption resources for professionals and support for adoptive and birth parents considering open adoption. READ. Several recent books about open adoption may be helpful: Children of Open Adoption by Patricia Martinez Dorner and Kathleen Silber (1997, Independent Adoption Press). The topics in this book include the essential "ingredients" for successful open adoption and communication tips for talking about open adoption with children of all ages. How to Open an Adoption by Patricia Martinez Dorner (1998, R-Squared Press). This book gives guidance to adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoption professionals in how to navigate more inclusive relationships. Lifegivers: Framing the Birth Parent Experience in Open Adoption by James L. Gritter (2000, CWLA Press). This book examines the ways birth parents are marginalized. The author makes the point that adopted children are best served when birth parents and adoptive parents work together to ensure that birth parents remain in children's lives. The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia (1993, HarperPerennial). This complete guide for adoptive and birth parents touches on almost every aspect of open adoption. The Spirit of Open Adoption by Jim Gritter (1997, CWLA Press). This book gives a realistic look at the joys and pains of open adoption for birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. What is Open Adoption? by Brenda Romanchik (1999, R-Squared Press). Written from the perspective of a birth mother in an open adoption, this pocket guide provides concise information and resources. Abstracts of these books are available through the Information Gateway Library Search. TALK WITH A COUNSELOR OR THERAPIST WITH KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE IN OPEN ADOPTION. Child Welfare Information Gateway has a tip sheet on selecting and working with an adoption therapist who is informed about issues of adoption. This factsheet describes the types of mental health professionals available and provides guidelines for choosing the best resource for your family. TALK WITH OTHER PARENTS. The National Adoption Directory has lists of foster and adoptive parent support groups in each State. Because each parent group will have its own focus, you might want to ask how many families attending the group are in open adoptions. What questions should our family consider in open adoption? In open adoptions, families need to consider when and how much to tell a child about his or her birth family, and then if and how to involve him or her in that relationship. An adoption professional can help you address some of these issues. Some of the questions you may want to consider include: At what age should a child be included in contact with his or her birth family? What happens if one party decides to break off all contact? What will the birth parents' role be in the child's life? How will your child explain his or her relationship with birth relatives to his or her peers? How will you handle other adopted siblings who have different levels of openness in their adoptions? Summary No one level of openness in adoption is best for everyone, and each adoption changes over time. Adoptees from all kinds of adoptions, from confidential to fully open, can be emotionally healthy. Using the resources listed on this factsheet, as well as the following tables, you can decide what level of openness is best for your family. Table of Pros for Each Type of Adoption for Involved Parties Table of cons of each type of adoption for the involved parties 1 "Cooperative adoption" or "adoption with contact" refer to arrangements that allow some kind of contact between adoptive families and members of the adopted child's birth family after the adoption has been finalized. (back)

If there's one thing we (on the forum and Abrazo parents) agree on it's the belief in open adoption. We all probably still have our varying levels of comfort and experience with open adoption but I think we can all say that we are on board with open adoption and the benefits of open adoption. I don't think though that we all started out that way when we found Abrazo or when we began our quest to learn about adoption (although I have read some who did believe in open adoption from the very beginning (although they may not have even known at that time that what they felt was important was basically an open adoption type of relationship)). Anyway, as with most things that we may be unsure about, our comfort with and belief in open adoption has come from a greater familiarity with it and what it is and what it isn't - we've learned about it, we've heard people's personal experiences with it, and we've grown more familiar with it. Some of the misinformation we once had about it has been clarified for us, some of the questions we had about it have been answered, and then there are those who just took the plunge and had no idea what to expect and have just learned as they went and have realized that what they may have feared or been uncertain about in the beginning turns out to be a non-issue. There are lots of topics on the forum and lots of posts on the forum among many different topics that talk about open adoption - but what I'm hoping to accomplish in this topic is a place where we can share some of the myths, misinformation, misconception, facts, and realities of adoption - whether it be through personal stories/experiences or through external resources that provide good statistics or whatever - I am just hoping to help anyone who may be new to open adoption or who may be a little unsure about what it's all about and has questions about it but isn't sure how to ask them or is afraid their questions/fears may not be "okay" to ask - I'm hoping to show them that most, if not all of us, have had those same questions, have had those same concerns and just about noone comes to Abrazo or open adoption with a fully open heart and mind to open adoption - we all were new once and didn't have a clue what to expect, what was meant by open adoption, what would be expected of us in doing an open adoption, etc etc etc.... I hope this topic will be a work in progress and it will put at ease the minds of those who are needing some "warm fuzzies" when it comes to open adoption. Unfortunately, I have to take Kayleigh to a birthday party (right now!) and I'm not able to get this going but I'll definitely come back to this later - just thought while it was on my mind, I'd put it out there.... -Lisa

Just in case anyone missed this in its original spot (under "About the Forum"), thought I'd copy here it too Thanks to everyone for helping out with the effort to welcome our new members Lisa