linlacor

We live in Washington so we weren't able to have our homestudy done by Abrazo. I had no idea how to start trying to find someone to do it. I first started by calling adoption agencies nearby where we live and asking if they do homestudies for domestic adoptions and I explained that we were working with an agency in Texas to adopt a newborn baby. Several didn't do them for domestic adoptions (Washington has a lot of international adoption agencies) and a few told me the time-frame was something like 6 months for it to be completed (yikes!! ). Then, I went to the Resolve website (Resolve is a support group for people experiencing infertility) and their site is www.resolve.org then went to our local resolve website www.resolvewa.org then clicked on the resources link then there was a link for "Adoption Information Exchange" and from that, they had a list of local adoption agencies and social workers who do Homestudies. I just started calling all of them and had about 3 or 4 send me their homestudy paperwork packet. I clicked on the phone with two of the people I talked to - I just felt really comfortable with them. I decided on Gail (she's in private practice doing homestudies - she did them for an adoption agency for many years and has worked in the adoption field for about 20 years) because I thought her time-frame was quicker than the other one (as it turned out, they probably would have completed them around the same time but I really like Gail as does my husband - she was just awesome!! I can't stress enough to BEGIN YOUR HOMESTUDY NOW!!!!!!!!! IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!! The longest part of the homestudy is the FBI criminal background check. We were told it can take anywhere from 6 wks to 6 months before that part is processed (it's totally out of your social worker's hands - it's done at the pace that the government does them). I fed-exed our fingerprints to Gail mid-August to be sent to wherever it is that they go and we received confirmation that we were clear in November. I was on pins & needles the entire time - it's the not knowing if it's going to take a month, 3 months or 6 months and believe me, once you come back from your Orientation weekend - you don't want to be delayed for anything - you're ready to start talking to birthparents right away. Our homestudy cost $750 (I believe that was the cost) and then there's a couple of follow-up we'll need to do after our baby is placed with us and I think those are around $250 each time (maybe a bit less) and the fingerprint part cost $100ish dollars. Most of the fees I was quoted were roughly in that area - I think one agency was going to charge $1200 which seemed a bit high. Gail did send us a copy of our homestudy report before it was sent to Abrazo to review to see if she'd missed anything (actually, she sent us a draft after our 2nd visit and I sent it to Abrazo to review and I believe they spoke to Gail and asked that we include a few more things in there and then, when it was all done, she sent us the final version and we forwarded it to Abrazo). Most of her questions were really straight-forward and had to do with our lifestyle -like what do we do on the weekends, the evenings, what's a typical day like for us, how do we feel about discipline, what are our values, how do we feel about adopting twins? siblings? bi-racial? what is the maximum age of a child we feel comfortable adopting? What was it like growing up? What memories do we have growing up? Were we emotionally, physically, &/or sexually abused as a child? What kind of relationship do we have with our parents, siblings? Do we want our child to be involved in sports or dance or extra-curricular activities? We had to describe one another, what are our favorite things about our spouse? What are our least favorite things? Who makes the financial decisions in the household? Who pays the bills? What are our plans for childcare (i.e. will a parent stay home with the child or will the child be in day care?) Lots and lots of questions - some were on the initial paperwork that we sent her, some were ones she'd ask us during the interview - I'm not even coming close to listing all the questions, these are just off the top of my head. We have a housecleaner that comes every other week and I scheduled my home visit the day after Gabriella came to clean. I definitely wanted a clean house. As it turned out, Gail hardly noticed - she did walk through the entire house but she didn't look under beds or inside closets. She went into every room and out in our yard but her tour of the house was very casual and I didn't feel at all as though she were inspecting it - she made notes while she walked around though. Most of the time, we sat on our couch and talked. It was fun actually - I love talking about our values and how we want to parent, etc. It's not every day you get to vocalize those types of things other than just with your spouse and it's something to be proud of and it's fun to share your philosophies and thoughts on the whole process (especially when you don't even have a baby yet so it's all totally hypothetical and it ends up sounding that way when you begin discussing it...I'm sure it must sound funny to the social worker who does actually have children and she's probably thinking, "yeah right your child is going to read Shakespeare when they're 2 years old", etc) I didn't hide anything before she arrived at our house but I did tidy up our "junk area". I have this little corner in our upstairs hallway that's tucked away and I just sorta put stuff there when I don't know what to do with it. It's just outside the nursery and the nursery used to be our junk room and one day I just got so tired of it being the junk room and I was ready to make it into the baby's room so I just moved all the stuff out of there and put it in the hall and have gradually been finding homes for the stuff or else it ends up in the garage. Well, I didn't get everything out of the corner before she arrived but it certainly looked better than before she got there (it's now in the garage...still!! ). Our first interview was at her office and we spoke to her together for awhile, then she had me leave her office and she spoke to Lance (and yes, I strained to hear what they talked about but could only hear bits and pieces) and then she spoke to me alone. Lance didn't really say anything I was too upset about (at least that I'm aware of) . We're pretty much on the same page with everything which is handy and I'm forever asking him all these hypothetical questions so most everything we discussed with Gail, we'd already talked about before. I feel very lucky that we bonded so well with Gail. I can't imagine doing it with someone you don't feel comfortable with because you definitely discuss some in depth things that you could be rather sensitive about if you felt someone was judging you. I think it's important to schedule it with someone you feel you click with - even if it's just from a phone conversation. All & all, it wasn't a scary or nerve wracking experience at all but I had a friend who adopted about a year ago and she told me all about hers and said it's nothing to worry about and also my sister & her husband adopted a sibling group a year & half ago and they told us the same thing - it's not a big deal and not something to panic about so that may have helped ease my fears. We learned quite a bit from Gail - she gave us lots of good things to think about that we hadn't actually thought of (especially about decided what age would be our maximum age and also adopting a child outside our race). But, my biggest advice is to GET STARTED NOW!!!!! It will take longer than you think it will and you don't want to put it off. Start checking into it and fill out the homestudy forms now and get them in!! Good luck!! Lisa

Big thumbs up to Abrazo for not pressuring birthparents toward a decision to place. After speaking with a birthmother last night, we talked about this decision and how the only people who can possibly know what is the right decision are the birthparents..... not an Adoption Agency, not Adoptive Parents, not Birth Grand-parents, etc. Ultimately, the birthparents are the only ones who know if placement is the right choice for them and their baby. She told me about her conversations with Abrazo and how they've been very supportive of whatever decision she makes - even providing her with information on programs available to her and her baby should she decide to parent. Kudos Abrazo!!! As a birthparent, I find this to be just one more reason why Lance & I made the right decision in choosing Abrazo as the adoption agency we want to work with to help us adopt our baby. I could not bear the thought of adopting our baby from birthparents who were pressured into thinking that adoption was their only choice and their best choice. Unfortunately, I believe it may be the case that there are STILL (argh!!! ) agencies/attorneys out there with this type of philosophy. Thank you, thank you Abrazo for offering your unbiased support to these people who have a HUGE decision to make and for helping to empower them to look inside themselves to find the choice that is best for them and their baby. You have our deepest respect - Lisa & Lance P.S. I hope I won't be tarred & feathered for saying this also but I just wanted to comment on this as well. I've spoken with more than one birthmother who has said something to the effect of, once they make their decision and decide to place and match with their Adoptive Parents, they feel something of an obligation to place their baby with that family because if they changed their mind, they're concerned for how that will make the Adoptive Parents feel. This saddens me to hear this. If you make a decision to place & match with a family and later re-evaluate your decision to place and decide that parenting the baby yourself is actually the right decision for you & your baby or that you'd rather place with a different family...That's Ok. Yes, we will be heart-broken. Yes, we will be disappointed but we can pick ourselves up and try again - our babies are out there and when it is the "right" baby, they will find us. Abrazo has a great motto for us prospective Adoptive Parents..."it's not if, but when". I steadfastly agree with this and I hope all other APs do as well. When it is the right time and the right baby, all will fall into place and we will become the parents of the child that is meant for us to parent.

Oh how sweet - I think a brother or sister for Nathan is a fabulous idea. Um, but I wanted to say that 46 or 47 isn't old!!!!! I attended the Los Nuevo Abrazos orientation in August and one of the adoptive parents that came and told us their story (they had recently adopted their absolutely adorable little boy) was in her mid-late 40s. I can't remember her name, nor can I remember her age - I'm thinking though that she was at least 45? I remember when she told us how old she was I looked at her and thought, "there's no way" because she just looked awesome! Anyway - this was their first I believe. I'm not sure if she posts or not. Her son's birthmother was also in her 40s so I thought that was kinda neat! So, push those thoughts away about whether or not adopting at 46 or 47 is something to worry about. You're just a late bloomer and that's perfectly alright. You had other things going on and anyway - if you would have started sooner, you wouldn't have Nathan, can you even imagine life without him? So - this little brother or sister for Nathan is meant to be with you too, in their own time and it will all work out. I'm sure there are plenty of other moms out there in that age group but of course, we only ever see the celebrity moms because of all the publicity they get but wasn't Cheryl Tiegs like 50 when she had her twins (through surrogacy I believe). As long as you're young at heart and up to all that goes with it, go for it! Something that made such an impact on me was when Ruth (works at Abrazo) mentioned something about after she adopted her first baby girl, she wanted to adopt a sister (or brother) for her so that they'd have each other for support and to share their difference together. I always thought I wanted just one baby so I could just lavish everything on them but then I realized that I should also think of the child and it is so important (in my opinion) that they have someone else to grow up with and to be friends with and to always have someone to share things with (other than mom or dad). Siblings/family is for life! So, now we've talked about our desire to adopt a second child (of course, we're still waiting on #1 though..... so you think you're jumping the gun? How do you think I feel?) I have 2 sisters who are 15 and 12 years older than me so I didn't have the typical sister relationship because by the time I was 8 years old, they were married and out of our house. However, we are so close - always have been - it's just like I had 2 additional moms rather than sisters and I'm so thankful I have them. If something ever happens to my mom, who am I going to go to who will understand just how devastating that is for me? Not friends - I'll seek support from my sisters - they're the only one who can understand. I mean, there are other things we share too but I just think a sibling is such a precious thing to have so I guess I've made my point. Best of luck to you and I'm so happy that you're posting and that things are going so well with little Nathan. Lisa

Hi, I just tried the link on the post and it didn't work, however, when I tried it alone (I posted it below) it worked fine. It's such a nice site and I just wanted to make sure people could visit it if they wanted to so I'm reposting the link (hope that's okay). Not sure if Karly reads messages on the board but thank you so much for sharing this with everyone - what an amazing person you are and I wish you all the best!! http://www.geocities.com/k_renaeb/Adoption.html -Lisa

Lisa2 - please cross your eyes and toes too!! Just kidding - thanks for your kind thoughts. I know I have a shopping problem, I think it comes from so many years of not being able to do it and now I'm making up for lost time. It worries me though because of course I don't want our baby to be spoiled , wink, wink - lol. I love the way your worded your post to Jada. I feel like Jada's openness in her post just revealed so much about the reality of adoption - I mean, at the end of the day - it is a very emotional and difficult beyond words kind of experience. Even for those of us who had good experiences (and I hesitate to say mine was all good because it was closed and I struggle with that more and more each day), it is like someone is ripping out your heart when you sign those papers (sorry if this is blunt but it is how I remebered feeling when I signed mine - it was horrible - as much as I can talk about my placement, etc - I still can't bring myself to read my relinquishment papers since the day I signed them. I have a copy of them as well as all the other things related to my placement in a fireproof box though). I'm so glad you all are so open about posting your experiences though because I think sometimes people think all birthmoms are the same or all placement situations are the same and through our stories, we can show that we're not.....yet we all have this common bond with one another and it's like nothing else I've ever had. I have very close friends that I care about but when I meet (online, through this forum) a birthmom, I feel an instant connection with her - it's hard to describe, it's like I know she went through something more difficult than most people endure and that just makes me feel different toward her than just anyone else. Okay, I so have to get ready for work, I've been online way too much (but, at least I'm not shopping!!! Lisa

Thanks Michelle, I appreciate you responding and you are right - just making sure your little one has the best home you could possibly give her and sooo much love and support and time with you and your husband and other members of your family is the best thing you can possibly do. Although my adoption was closed, I do know in my heart (and through some very non-identifying updates from the agency) that my little girl is very, very happy and well adjusted and loved. About 3 years ago I rec'd the best update ever - (you can't even conceive of the closed nature of my adoption if you've adopted from Abrazo). All the other updates were about 2 sentences from the Agency and basically said, "no news is considered good news, we're sure she's fine and healthy" but this one, oh my gosh, it was wonderful. Apparently, the update I sent in reached the right person and this person called the adoptive parents (I couldn't believe it!! and asked them to provide me with an update. She did and she told me how wonderful and special their daughter is and how she loves to draw & paint and has always had an art easel (I kinda laugh at this because I wonder if they think she "inherited" that from me or her birth father? and I still draw stick figures for people and he certainly was never artistic so unless her adoptive parents are artistic, that's just something unique to her.) They also told me how much she loved the Harry Potter books and how confident she is and she isn't into the "clique" thing in school. She always makes friends with the kids other people make fun of, etc. That makes me feel sooo good. They seem like great parents for her and basically, that's what I wanted for her and to know she's healthy, happy, and loved is all I can wish for (and to someday meet them & her). Lisa

Hi Jada, I'm not even sure what to say but I really felt a need to respond to your post. So, I don't feel any different toward you after reading your post. In fact, I found it reassuring in a sense because we just did our profile and I purposely did not put anything in there that said "I know what you're going through" (although I did put in there that I placed my baby for adoption). I knew that I couldn't say that I know what our birthmom is going through. One thing I learned while at Gladney (I lived in their dorm while I was pregnant, me along with about 50 or so other preggies) is that everyone came into their pregnancy and their decision under different circumstances and while we were all planning to place our babies (although not everyone did), we were all very different and had very different backgrounds. I always felt like I was lucky because my FOB (father of the baby, term we used at Gladney) didn’t want to have anything to do with my pregnancy or decision or anything (fortunately, Gladney did get him to sign – I was surprised that he knew how to get something notarized if that tells you something about him). It sounds odd that I felt that way but some of the girls were in really serious relationships with their FOBs (the dorm I lived in was for girls 18 & under so none of them were married) and I thought how much more complicated that would make things for me. I remember one girl was there because her step-father sexually abused her and as a result, she became pregnant. There were a couple others who were raped, I remember another girl who was 15 and her parents kicked her out of their house when they found out she was pregnant – she felt she had no other options (I think she was about 5 months pregnant at that time). There were several people there who came to Gladney quite pregnant and they were too far along to get abortions although that’s what they wanted to do. And, there were several who changed their minds and parented their babies (although, Gladney had a way of turning “us” against them and I never maintained contact with them to find out how they’re doing but I think of them often and I realize how bad that was that Gladney made these girls out to be bad people, just because they didn’t place). Before I found out I was pregnant, I would think about what would I do if I ever became pregnant – I always said I’d get an abortion, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that’s what I’d do. So, why did I not do that? I don’t know, I’m sure I could have – my mom & I were poor but we probably could have come up with the money to do that. It’s like out of nowhere, something drove me to place her for adoption. I learned I was pregnant when I was about 2 – 3 months along. As soon as I found out, I called Gladney (why them? 2 reasons, #1 is because I remembered Gladney visiting my high school when I was in the 10th grade, there were about 4 birthmothers and a couple of Gladney people that came to our Health Education class #2 My sister’s neighbor had just adopted from Gladney and I remember her discussing all the paperwork and screening Gladney had done in order for them to adopt their baby boy). I wish so much I could snap my fingers and make your experience different from how it was – I hate to think of you feeling like an oddball. I do understand the loneliness though, I’ve always felt like there’s this thing about me that makes me different from everyone else and it’s the whole birthmom thing. I LOVE meeting other birthmoms and I love corresponding with them. I believe you were the first person to respond to my post on Abrazo’s forum and when I read that you’re a birthmom, I didn’t feel as alone (you’re the first birthmom I’ve had contact with since I placed, other than when I went to this support group a couple of times that Gladney had but that was in 1994 and we didn’t get to be very candid with each other, there was a Gladney lady there who led the group and wouldn’t just let us talk and share our feelings, apparently that wasn’t a productive use of the time). I also met some birthmoms at the Abrazo Adoptive Parent Orientation and again, I just felt like a bond or something, just because we went through the heartwrenching decision of doing what we did (I do think that’s one thing that all of us have in common, no matter what circumstances brought us to place, we all find the whole ordeal to be heartbreaking and difficult and we love our babies soooo much! I remember the girl at Gladney who was raped by her step-father (she was about 15 or 16) and she used to talk to her baby while she was pregnant and rub her belly and cry when we used to talk about the “day”. I can’t remember if she talked about changing her mind but I’m sure it crossed her mind (and she was going to have to go live in a foster family after she left Gladney because her stupid mom wouldn’t leave her husband). So, after saying all this, I guess something I learned from my experience is you never know what you’re going to do in a situation until you’re actually faced with it, never say never. Never judge anyone – you can’t know what it’s like to be them and why they do what they do. I wonder if one of the reasons why you felt so strongly against placing is because you already had children and already knew how strong the bond and love you feel for them is? That’s another one of those things you just can’t know until you experience it. I always felt that I could never place again after placing her just because I couldn’t bear to go through that #### again. I remember after leaving Gladney and my support system and thinking “oh god, if this is how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life, I don’t want to be alive”. I was never suicidal, just wanted to go to sleep for a long time to escape the horrific pain I felt every single second of every single day. So, noone is perfect and no situation is perfect and I think it’s good to see the reality of adoption. Some of us are able to look back and say we feel good about our placement, some of us look back and wish we wouldn’t have had to go through it. I’m glad it happened to me because of the changes it made (I made?) in my life. Let’s just say, I wasn’t on a very good path in life before my pregnancy. I always said it felt like someone literally slapped me in the face when I found out I was pregnant and said, you need to change your life – you need to be more responsible and take care of yourself – you’re going to get a second chance but don’t screw it up!! I felt I had to listen and had to make changes but not everyone’s story is the same. It sounds like you were/are already a good person and for some reason (which still hasn’t been made clear to you yet but I think someday it will, I think everything happens for a reason), you were put in the situation you were…twice. Thanks for sharing (I was hoping I wouldn’t be the only one and you came through for me, see!! I don’t feel so alone after all now – I kept checking to see if anyone else had posted and was soooo glad to see yours there. Lisa

So, I've been contemplating on if/how to respond. I decided today to respond to this. I'm not sure if people wonder who birthparents are, but since I am one, I thought I could comment (hopefully I won't be the only one...Jada, Lisa2, where are you?) So, the survey isn't totally off, here's how I stack up against the statistics: I was one of the less than 3% of white, unmarried women who placed (I'm now married) I voluntarily placed and as the survey said, I did have educational/vocational goals that I felt I couldn't attain if I kept my baby (well, I could have attained them but it would have been extremely difficult and would have meant lots & lots of time away from baby). I did not however come from higher socioeconomic backgrounds, nor did I come from an "intact" family (my parents divorced when I was 9 & I was raised by my mom who was single/never married. We were quite poor, she worked 2 jobs for as long as I can remember and at 67 years old, is still working in order to make ends meet (although I do help her quite a bit now). My mom was supportive of my placement (as were my sisters). My father was not, he urged me to get an abortion - my father and I were never close (for other reasons than this) and we never reconciled after my pregnancy. (He passed away last October and at the time, we hadn't spoken in several years). I was 17 at the time I found out I was pregnant & 18 when I placed (a senior in high school - oh boy, did I ever not "fit in" when I went back to school) I unfortunately do not have any contact with the adoptive parents and I was not involved in the selection of them (just a year or so after I placed, Gladney changed their policy where they began allowing birth mothers the choice of selecting the adoptive parents. I did get to request that the couple be Christians and that they place a high value on education (I did not want my baby to go through the difficulty of not having a good education - all my life, all I ever heard from my mom was go to college, you don't want to work 2 jobs like me...well, I guess it worked, I did get my Bachelor's degree and even have 12 hrs toward my Masters in Economics) (See moms, we really do listen, even if it seems like we don't). I can't really comment on why the decline in babies for adoption - wouldn't it be wonderful if it was because of an increase in the use of contraception (not that all pregnancies are a result of the lack of use of contraception - I myself thought I was invincable - of course I wouldn't get pregnant...ah, to be 17 and so naive again. But you know...my pregnancy was a good thing. I didn't know it at the time but she changed my life!! I am so thankful I experienced that but the only regret I have is not doing an open adoption. The more I learn about it, the more I wish so much I would have put more effort in researching my choices at the time. Well, you can always count on me to respond to these types of posts - I always seem to have something to add, huh? Lisa

Michelle, your mail was very sweet and didn't make me feel bad. Definitely helpful for me to read. Just gave me a few things to think about/consider as did suebee's. Thanks a bunch!! Y'all are great, looking forward to meeting you both someday, maybe at one of the ABRAZO functions??? -Lisa

Thank you so much suebee and Paul & Michelle D. It feels better to know I'm not alone and to know I just need to work on how to best deal with this. I'm ashamed to say I didn't even think about making sure I set a good example for our little one once we're blessed enough to have one. I will think to myself "count to 3, count to 3" and politely & very maturely deal with it. After posting this, I thought to myself - isn't that terrible for me to think of all the negative things people say and not think/post about the positive things I've heard people say when I've told them. We've had some just really wonderful comments, stories, etc from people we've told - the kind that give you that warm fuzzy feeling and you feel so lucky to be a part of this elite group. (But it still felt good to vent, I must admit and certainly felt good to know I'm not being overly sensitive about the comments which I was worried that I was). I just feel so protective over the whole thing. I haven't even been matched with a birthmother yet and I already feel so much for her. It's like I feel she's there already, waiting for us and we're waiting for her, all of us knowing each other are there...it's so cool. Well, gotta run - I just love this Forum (kudos to Abrazo for giving us this outlet). Lisa

Oh I'm just so annoyed and need to express this in order to get over it. Sorry this is a vent but surely I'm not the only one who has experienced this. If only everyone could just understand a bit more about adoption.........So, we're just getting started with our adoption experience - we've sent our application in, have a spot in the Orientation coming up, etc. I am overjoyed about all this - excited beyond words. When I'm excited about something, I like to tell people about it (anyway, at the moment I can't seem to have a conversation about anything else because it's all I think about). On several occassions this has happened but this is the most recent & I've just had it!!! Here's what happened, I'm at Pottery Barn Kids picking up some gender neutral items (bathroom stuff, I figure I can at least start on getting the bathroom looking babyish and cute) and the cashier lady seemed really nice and I told her that this was my first baby purchase and it felt strange to do it (like I would jinx myself for buying baby things) and that we had submitted an application to an Adoption Agency in Texas and would be adopting an infant at some point in the future. Well, she was very sincere and well-meaning I'm sure but what she said was just soooo offensive!! She said something like, "Oh how wonderful you're doing that, there are so many babies out there who need a home and that's just so nice that you're going to do that" HELLO, what planet have you been on? That is such a distorted view of adoption. I calmly corrected her that actually, we were the fortunate ones and that there are way more prospective adoptive parents than there are babies. I mentioned that most adoptive parents wait a year or two or sometimes three before their baby is placed with them. How can she be so uninformed? She also had asked originally if it was going to be a baby in the US or International so it's not like she was thinking of the orphanage story of Romania they showed many years ago. I can't believe people don't know that adoption involves 2 sets of parents and that there aren't beds full of babies just waiting to be adopted. The other thing that annoys me is when I tell someone we're going to adopt and they say something like, "Oh, I am so sorry you can't have your own child, I can't imagine what that must feel like to not have your own child". This happened to me yesterday and versions of it have happened since we started this too. I am not sorry that we couldn't give birth to a biological child and neither is my husband. We view this as something out of our control and something meant to be. And also, we will have our own child - I just won't give birth to it and it won't have a biological relationship with us but that isn't what makes a child your own. Argh! Sorry for the long post - just had to get this out of my system - it's been festering and I needed to release it. Ok, it's gone now and I will move on and keep educating these well-meaning people as politelly as possible and resist the urge to tell them that I'm a birthmother too and I take offense to someone implying that my daughter needed a home when I placed her. My understanding of her adoption (it was closed, ) was that her parents waited nearly 2 years on Gladney's list of prospective parents (at that time, Gladney didn't allow the birthmothers to choose the parents). I bet that would make them squirm and think twice before blurting out the first thing that comes to their mind. Well, thanks again and sorry to sound negative but it's just so darn frustrating!! Lisa

Ok, we've made our flight arrangements and booked our accommodations for the September Orientation. We are elated to be going to this. It suddenly feels like we are doing something to make our dream of becoming a mommy & daddy (other than to our 4 precious kitties) come true. I have started working on our profile/resume. Today I put a rough draft together of the 1st page and now it's up to my husband to add/delete/edit it. I just couldn't wait until I got home from work to do it, I did it over my lunch hour (hourish - I probably took a bit over an hour). I must say, all the information that Abrazo sends to help you collect your thoughts is so wonderful. If anyone is considering them, I must say I am more than impressed with their professionalism, diligence, support, & information (just look at this website - how many other agencies offer something like this?). If there are any adoptive parents reading this who shared their adoption stories for us newbies (we rec'd about 10), bless you & thank you. I've re-read them so many times already I have almost memorized them. It's so reassuring. Finally, thank you to the most important people of all - the birthparents. Without you, Abrazo and all of us wouldn't be here. I've said it a million times (& of course, because I am a birthparent, I'm probably a bit partial) - birthparents are amazing - I've always said that the reason so many wonderful things have happened to me (I'm blessed in more ways than I could even go into on a post) because I made the decision I did to place my precious baby girl for adoption. I feel I made the ultimate sacrifice and when you give life to something so wonderful and so precious and then choose to place her with parents who can provide in a way you can't at that time in your life and who can offer her their undivided attention, you will have good things happen to you - it's the whole, do unto others and what comes around, goes around kinda thing. Well, I'm kinda getting off on a tangent again - somehow, my conversations here always turn to her. She is a special little girl, very special. So - now we wait (not something I'm good at but I'm going to learn to get better at it....). We wait for the Orientation weekend and wait to meet our fellow Parents of Tomorrow friends and then we wait for our homestudy, and then - we wait for the best day of our entire lives to happen (can you tell I'm just a bit ready to be a mommy? I feel like I've been "expecting" for the past 3 1/2 yrs - in a way, I have.) Speak to you all soon, (I'm sure). Lisa

Thanks Jada. That's good to know. I never even thought about the pressure on their ears. The reason I asked is because I've been sick twice as a result of flying (I think that's why). Both times though I flew to Europe (once to Finland and it was a 10 or 12 hour flight, can't remember but I was so sick about a day after I arrived & I never get sick so I think the air was just germy (I know they say it's recirculated but I still think you're more exposed to germs) and the other time was when I went to England - I didn't get as sick but had flu like symptoms for a couple of days (again, it was a longer flight). Anyway - thanks again for taking the time to respond and to let me know what your doctor said. -Lisa

Thanks suebee and mommy2 for your enouraging words. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one worrying about something like that and that all went well with your travels. Staying in Texas a 2 - 3 wks will be great and should give my mom, sisters, and aunts plenty of time to get to know our little baby once he/she is with is. Washington is a long way from Texas and it may be a few months before we get back there to visit or vice versa so they'll really enjoy that. Thanks again, Lisa

Hi all, Well, my husband & I just submitted our application to ABRAZO yesterday . I felt like I used to when I'd been preparing & studying to take a big exam and finally took it and was done with it.....except for waiting to find out what I made. So, I'm just looking for support from you out there who have adopted or who have placed. I just keep thinking of all these questions and worrying and wondering when we'll know and wanting so much to just buy every single baby item I possibly can - I know I'm jumping the gun a bit but I'm ready to get the nursery all set up and just sit in there and admire all the wonderful baby things and imagine how it will feel when there really is a little baby in there. So, one question I thought of today while on the treadmill (where I do most of my thinking or lately it's been before falling asleep which is causing me to have a mild case of insomnia) - we live in Washington state so we will be flying from Texas to Washington once our baby is placed with us (positive thinking, it's very powerful). I suddenly worried about all the germs that the baby will be exposed to on the plane - won't it just be a week or so old at that point (all our relatives live in Dallas so I'm sure we won't be able to come back to Washington right away - this is a really big deal in our family - we've all been waiting so long). I want to have a special plastic bubble created with it's own air supply that the little baby can stay in while on the airplane - not breathing all that dirty air. Am I worrying for nothing and just being way too weird about this (I hope I won't be one of "those" moms - the type who won't let anyone come close to their baby for fear they may contaminate them). Did anyone else adopt from somewhere not in the state you live and had to fly home with your baby? Did your baby get sick? How old was he/she when you flew? Well, I'm sure you'll all be hearing from me quite a bit so I'll try to wrap this one up and save the other for later. Thanks!! Lisa

And Feeling Blessed. Thank you so much for your mail too. I will certainly keep everyone posted on how it goes. I've spent almost the entire day today reading all the posts on this forum. Oh my gosh! I wish I would have found this sooner. As a birthmom, I find this to be soooo therapeutic for me. As a prospective adoptive mom, I find it to be so exciting to read all the updates & the support that everyone gives. I am sooo pro-Abrazo now - I can't imagine working through a different agency. I'm crossing fingers, toes, & eyes that all works out well & we get accepted. I just can't believe how supportive they are (especially Elizabeth) toward the birthmoms & toward the adoptive parents. How wonderful that a place exists like this. Although my adoption experience went well - I find myself now wondering how different it could have been (had Abrazo or a place like Abrazo been around in '89). Kudos to you all for all this. If it doesn't work out, I am still so happy I found this forum. Lisa

Hi Lisa2, Thanks for your reassuring mail too. It's been so long since I placed (13 1/2 yrs) & things have changed so much since then (policies, agencies, adoption philosophies) that I wasn't sure if birthmom feelings change too or not (of course, I guess it depends on the birthmom). For me, it would have been really nice to have placed with another birthmom (actually, beyond really nice - it would have been awesome) for the same reasons you described - someone who understands what the experience is like, etc. However, that's my feeling & I often wonder if I'm biased now since I'm on the other side of things (like really wishful thinking that a birthmom placing with a birthmom would be preferable since I have adopting a baby on my mind 24 x 7). Kind of off the subject but like you said in your mail, this experience (placing) is & can be a wonderful experience. I love the little baby girl I placed so much but despite how much I love her, I've never regretted my decision to place. It was so the right thing for me to do at that time in my life. I felt so positive about my decision (I also had about 5 months to prepare for it & psyche myself up for the placement) & of course, I was heartbroken when I went to court & signed the papers & for about a year afterward I felt so detached from everyone (I was a senior in highschool - it just felt like I didn't fit in with anyone once I had her & placed - everyone's "problems" seemed so trivial compared to what I'd just been through) but time is a wonderful healer & with every day that passed, I coped better & better. I also think maybe things would have been better had the adoption been open or semi-open - possibly having more information would have helped the healing. Nonetheless, I feel I owe so much gratitude to her now - she changed my life. I went to college because of her & graduated in the top 10% of my class. My first job out of college was awesome & was because of her because without my degree, I wouldn't have had the opportunity. I met my husband at that company & I have a wonderful relationship with him because of her. Every event that's happened in my life since placing her wouldn't have happened had I not had the opportunity to give birth to her & place her. Not to mention the impact she & I had on the parents who adopted her. I can't even begin to imagine the joy she brought them. I hope someday to have the opportunity to tell her thank-you. I guess this is all sort of off the subject of the topic of "Looking to Adopt" so my apologies to adoptive parents seeking information on adoption who may be reading this post. But I just wanted to let you know I absolutely agree with you - adoption can be a wonderful experience to all sides involved. Thanks so much for your mail, it was very touching to read. -Lisa

Thanks so much Jada & Michelle for your reassuring messages. I'm really excited about getting the process going. Last night, we re-read our preapplication & signed it & I even found a picture of us that isn't really old (since I've gained weight, having my picture taken isn't exactly my favorite thing to do). I will definitely be able to keep up with a baby, I'm very active & a very, very youthful 31. Just have bad eating habits which I'm working on (don't want to pass those on to a baby). As for understanding the birthmom's perspective - I will definitely be able to understand where she's coming from. Although I lived at the agency I placed with for 5 months & I was surrounded by other birthmoms during my pregnancy - I haven't actually met or spoken with birthmoms since (or at least if I have, I haven't known it - I've always been very open about the adoption but either others aren't or there just aren't many of us out there). All of us then were very much the same as far as our feelings were concerned about our decision & about our babies. We all felt so much love for the little baby we carried - but we all felt that for one reason or another, at that time in our life, we weren't able to parent our child in the way that we imagined and wanted the child to be parented. Anyway, not a day has passed that I haven't thought of her. I would love to see a picture of her. That is one of the main reasons for wanting to work with Abrazo. I really like their philosophy and it seems they have a great deal of respect for the birthmoms & their feelings & they seem to be committed to the birthmoms for a long time (i.e. not just once the baby is born & placed). As for enjoying the ride - I'm really excited about it. Very nervous (I'm a very compassionate person & I'm worried that once I meet the birthmother, I won't say anything but I'll just start crying - not tears of sadness, just tears of understanding & of happiness for what it to come). Guess I need to work on that as it might freak her out which I definitely don't want to do. Again, thanks for your support. I hope you both have a wonderful July 4th holiday. -Lisa

I'm not sure if I'm posting mine correctly or not. My topic falls in line w/Opus' topic as we're new to the adoption process & have lots of questions. I've completed the pre-application & will be sending it off soon so hopefully, we'll hear something as soon as you did Opus. I noticed there were some birthmothers who also read & respond to some of the posts here. I have a couple of questions. #1 - I am about 60 pounds overweight. I'm currently working with a personal trainer to develop a healthier lifestyle (I don't have any medical issues from my weight) & I'm sooo worried about the pictures. Part of me is so ready to get started & part of me wants to wait until I look better to do this. Thoughts??? Also - 13 1/2 yrs ago, I placed a baby girl for adoption (unfortunately, the agency I placed with only offered closed adoptions at that time - I was 17 & in 1989, it just didn't seem like open adoptions were as prevalent as they are now or maybe I just didn't know enough back then). Anyway - I wonder how this will affect how a birthmother views me? Thanks!