FeelingBlessed

Whew! Looks like I wasn't the only one holding my breath to see this announcement! Congratulations on the new arrival and your new life as a family, and hugs of support to your faithful birthmom, who is on our hearts and in our prayers as well.

With our first child, we had a baptism ceremony at our "home" church, complete with grandparents and aunts and uncles. But, we also attend a small, country church in the town where our vacation cabin is, and we wanted those people to be included in our child's spiritual foundation/formation as well. So, we scheduled a dedication service there -- it wasn't another baptism at all -- instead, it was an opportunity for the congregation to know that we wanted them included in our spiritual lives and the life of our daughter. Perhaps you could do the dedication service as planned, but then talk with your pastor about doing a small, family-only dedication service when your relatives are present. Sometimes our church does things like that in our chapel, either before or after our regular worship services. It would be a wonderful opportunity for your family to praise God for His blessing in the life of your child and to voice their willingness to be spiritual role models for your child as the years go by.

Lisa -- We had our original homestudy and an update done in TN, but then needed another study/update once we moved to Arkansas and yet another study/update when we ended up going to court in Missouri for our third child. So, we used one social worker in TN, but then 2 different social workers in AR. Our first Arkansas study/update was done for an update price since our TN stuff was so recent. But, when we had the second study/update done for court, it was full price (even though our first AR study/update was recent) -- it was just because it needed to be so detailed for the Missouri courts. Anyway, to answer your question, we did not have any problem using a new social worker to do our homestudy, particularly since the format was going to be similar because we were working with Abrazo again. It was only when the format had to change (for a different state and situation) that we incurred the add'l expense.

We had homestudy updates done in TN and in AR to meet TX standards -- they ran about $500. You might check with another agency or social worker just to see if the cost is in line for your area, particularly since you are wanting an update as opposed to an entirely new homestudy.

Joanne -- You might check out the thread "Financing an Adoption" in this same category ("Looking to Adopt"). There are some ideas there as well ...

My husband always wanted a girl, and that's what we got -- three of them, in fact -- and it wasn't really planned that way! Believe me, Elizabeth had many a discussion with him about gender preference! That being said, though, I think it's hard to answer this question with an unequivocal yes or no. For example, what about the times when an adoptive family still is fertile, has had all boys, and desperately wants a girl? I know Abrazo places with infertile families, but there are state agencies and other private agencies out there that place with fertile parents. Or, what about againers who have adopted twice ... same gender ... and would like to add a third of a different gender? Maybe different rules should apply for first-timers and againers? I don't know ... I just believe that a cookie cutter approach to almost any question will almost always cause trouble down the line! Whether we want to admit it, adoption IS different than bio-birthing, so I'm not sure you can compare apples to apples here. Just my two cents worth ...

My husband is self-employed with an individual policy like you are referencing. I would encourage you to really check the language of your policy to be sure that the 9-month window you reference doesn't have to do with maternity coverage as opposed to adoption/birth coverage. Most individual policies require that you carry a maternity rider to cover pregnancy-related expenses (hence, the 9 month period which wouldn't be covered under your "normal" policy) -- however, this coverage is vastly different than the insurance coverage you are talking about, which occurs once the child is actually "in the world" and in your home. My husband's insurance policy (Blue Cross/Blue Shield) immediately kicked in for our children the day they were placed with us -- we could add them immediately without any waiting period, even though our children were 2-1/2 years old and almost 7 months old when they were placed. (We didn't even have to deal with pre-existing conditions exclusions for them.) They were covered for everything from day one, and they were put on the policy he already had in effect -- we didn't have to buy an individual policy for them -- we just had to pay the increased premium for family coverage. Hope your policy terms can be clarified and you find this is the case for you as well!

Read stories or sing songs on tape for your grandchild so that he/she can hear your voice as much as they want to! (This also helps Mom when she's read Green Eggs and Ham for the umpteenth time in a row -- she can get that kiddie cassette rolling and let Grandma or Grandpa tell the story a few times!) We recently had a speaker at our kindergartener's school talk about the benefits of reading stories -- she made this suggestion and then told the touching story of how her own mother had done it when she had the first grandchild. Her mother then passed away before the second grandchild was born. "But," she said, "because of those tapes, my second child 'knew' his grandmother -- he could tell his friends that his grandmother had read him his favorite bedtime story."

From a recent MOPS e'mail: PERSPECTIVE By Janis Kugler, Development Team Leader "It's a bigger adjustment than I ever imagined!" said my friend, a forty-something first-time mother who just adopted her daughter from China. "But of course, I wouldn't change it for anything." Isn't that exactly how we feel as moms? No one or no experience can adequately prepare us for the task of mothering, a 24/7 responsibility that, even with the most helpful of husbands, primarily falls to us. We're likely to be the one to find the sitter every time we leave the house. We're likely to be the one who puts the children to bed. We're really likely to be the one who wakes up in the middle of the night when a child is sick. And sometimes, we're likely to be the one who feels taken advantage of, regretting our loss of freedom. But really, would we want it any other way? Let someone else be the one to find the sitter or put the children to bed or wake up with them in the night, and we feel "deprived" - our natural mothering instincts tell us we should be the one to most often meet the needs of our children. It all boils down to perspective, and how ours changed when we became mothers. As Elisa Morgan and Carol Kuykendall share in What Every Mom Needs, perspective is "the ability to stand between yesterday and tomorrow and understand how today fits." Our mothering perspective tells us that it's okay to put a bit of ourselves on a shelf for a while, because during this season our mothering is making a difference in the world of tomorrow. When we drop everything to hold our babies while they are sick or disregard the clutter to read to our toddlers, it's our mothering perspective that tells us we've chosen well. Yes, mothering is an awesome, time-consuming responsibility, and we wouldn't change it for anything. That's the perspective we need to thrive in this season of life.

OK, as one of the other mothers of three who posts regularly on the Forum, I have to weigh in on this question too! Our first two daughters are 13 months apart and the third daughter is 3-1/2 years younger than the first (2-1/2 years younger than the 2nd) -- they're 6, 5 and 2-1/2 years old now -- when we became a family of 5, they were almost 4, almost 3, and 6 months old. Believe me, there were (and still are) many days when I wonder whether we'll ever reach the stage of everyone dressing themselves, combing their own hair, and brushing their own teeth ... but I wouldn't change a thing. Yes, we're looking at having 3 in college at the same time (YIPES!) ... but I guess our philosophy is a lot like Jacquee's -- we are trusting God to work out the details. That's not to say that we aren't doing our part in planning for their educations, but we're not obsessing over it, and we certainly didn't when we decided to adopt all three (our original plans were to adopt two ... but we all know how original plans can be!). As for being a "mature" parent, we were 49 and 42 years old at the time of our last adoption. Our birthdad has told us more than once that the reason he chose us was because we had been married so long -- our age wasn't a factor for him, but the length of our marriage sure was. (And yes, we ARE older than his own parents!) I really think if your soul is telling you to try again, then you should go for it. As long as you are in good health, have the means to care for another child (and I don't mean the bucks to send them to an Ivy League school), and are in agreement with your spouse, then I think all the various "concerns" soon fall by the wayside. And, for those who question the "wisdom" of your decision ... remember that adopting again isn't about not being grateful, satisfied, or happy with what you've "got" -- it's about being so "in love" within your family that you can't wait to open it up and include someone else! In fact, there are many days I catch myself wondering about adopting a fourth child when I see how much joy my girls give to each other and to us ... GEEZ! Somebody slap some sense into me!!!!!!!!!!!

From Beth Moore's "Believing God": Perhaps you are adopted, and although you know the mother who raised you, you don't know your biological mother. God knew her intimately enough to choose her womb for the place where He would fearfully and wonderfully fashion you. God hid you in a blanket of soft tissue and bid your heart to beat. For many days He alone knew you existed. You were His secret. God's own skillful hands knit you together. His watchful eyes gazed on you, and His wise counsel ordained each of your days before you squinted from the light of your first. Long before technology ordered the first sonogram, God watched you suck your thumb in your mother's womb. Amazing, isn't it? "You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." -- Psalm 139:13-14

Surely you jest, Stork Central ...! Three little pink bundles of joy are about all we can handle right now ... especially when we think about dance lessons, piano lessons, proms to come, all-important college educations, future weddings, etc.!!!!!!!!! (Although I have to admit that now that the last one is out of diapers there is this strange longing for just one more armful of baby!!!!!)

Clarification please .... Are the dates for the March 2004 orientation correct? Or, should it be March 5-6?

Depending on the kind of relationship you have with your daughter and son-in-law, I think just expressing your interest in what is going on with them in their adoption journey is the best way to begin. If you're comfortable doing this face-to-face, then you might just tell them you want them to know that you're interested and want to be supportive in whatever way you can -- that opens the door for them to talk but it doesn't put pressure on them like asking a bunch of questions would. If you're not comfortable doing this face-to-face, then maybe writing them a letter or sending them a card would be the best way to open up a dialogue. You also might consider buying them an adoption book (or maybe even a child's book about adoption for the baby-to-come!) and sending that to them as an expression of love and support. Sometimes prospective APs are afraid to talk about what is going on with them for fear of criticism, disapproval, "I told you so" attitudes, or just because it's an emotional time for everyone involved. As interested grandparents-to-be, offering non-judgmental support during this process can go a long ways towards helping your daughter and her husband weather the ups and downs involved in adoption. I think the fact that you want to be involved is wonderful!

Although dealing with the "truth" might be difficult for some adoptees, I firmly believe that dealing with "betrayal" would be much harder. For my husband and me, covering up or hiding what we know about our children's birth heritage is tantamount to a betrayal of them on our part. I would much rather be honest with them and then be there for them should they need me than to have them find out down the line that I had this information all along and purposely chose to keep it from them, even if my intent was to protect them. By the way, check out the post from marthaj in "In the Know/When to tell them" -- yet another good reason for being open in adoption whenever possible.

If my memory serves me correctly, the letters should include (at a minimum): How the writer knows you, i.e., what is your relationship? Friends? Co-workers? Relatives? How long have you known each other? Description of the characteristics they have seen in you that are positive/would make you a good parent Description of the attitude you display toward adoption in general Description of your home life/marriage (if possible) A statement of their recommendation about you, i.e., "He/she is someone I can fully, and without reservation, recommend to your program as an adoptive parent." I'm sure there are some other things, but these pretty much cover what is needed in most circumstances. Good luck!

Before we became adoptive parents, I always just told people that we wanted God's will in our lives, whether it meant we could become parents through adoption or were meant for a life without children living in our home. If the latter was truly God's will, then I already had been blessed with a wonderful husband, loving parents, siblings (and in-laws), nieces and nephews, and lots of cousins that made my "family" complete. I believe God's will is for families to be formed by bonds of love, not necessarily bonds of bloodline. I don't believe that the inability to experience pregnancy necessarily means that you aren't destined to become a parent. God's plan is so much more creative than that! As many of you regulars out there know, we personally experienced five failed adoption plans, including two disruptions, before our family came together, which now consists of three biological sisters who all came to live with us at different times! Never in my limited understanding of God's plan for our lives (or my relatives' limited understanding) did we dream that this would be God's will, but it was! Often we humans make the mistake of interpreting one closed door as a closed house ... but until those windows, attic eaves, and mouseholes are absolutely closed to us too, we can and should continue to earnestly seek God's will and accept it, however it ultimately manifests itself.

YEEHAW! Lasso that granddaddy and keep him posting on the Forum -- what a great ... and new ... perspective for all of us regulars!

As long as your husband's doctor will verify that your husband currently is in good health and up to the challenges (physical and mental) of raising a child AND that his condition poses no threat to the health/well-being of a child in your home (which it shouldn't), then you most likely won't have a problem adopting. I am a cancer survivor (14 years now!) and currently am in remission (3 years now!) with an incurable liver disease, but we were able to adopt our three wonderful daughters! And, I know that in one of the orientations we were in, there was another couple there with a husband that had Hodgkins lymphoma -- they are proud parents now too! So, my advice to you is GO FOR IT!!!!

We have special memories from all our girls' baptisms! (And Elizabeth, you may be thinking of Ephesians 1:5!) Anyway, our first daughter came to live with us as an infant, so she was baptized in the same christening gown that was worn by my husband's grandfather, father, and my husband himself! Interestingly enough, she was the only grandchild to wear the gown, even though all of my husband's siblings had been baptized in it and had children who could have been baptized in it! Because the circumstances surrounding her placement were so special and touched so many of the people who knew us, we also had her dedicated at a little country church we regularly attend where our lake cabin is located. For that service, she wore my dedication dress, which was almost 40 years old! For our second daughter, who came to live with us at the age of 31 months, we had a special ceremony that included her big sister (who was not quite 4 by then). It was a great service because both girls were old enough to know that this was a special day, and we invited several friends to join us for lunch afterward. To this day, our two oldest daughters still talk about H's baptism, probably because she blurted out a big "AMEN!" after the minister's prayer! Our third daughter (the bio-sister to our first two daughters) came to live with us at the age of 7 months after a lengthy legal battle against state social workers who didn't want to place her with us (ostensibly because we lived out-of-state). We constantly prayed for God's will in the outcome of the legal battle to keep these three sisters together, and we also prayed for the strength to accept whatever God's plans might entail for her life. Because the circumstances of her placement truly involved a testing of our faith, her baptism service was especially meaningful. We picked special scripture to be read, which included 1 Samuel 1:27-28 (Hannah's dedication of Samuel). It symbolized for us and for our families and friends that "our" children are never really ours but instead are precious gifts from God given to us through His grace and mercy. Thanks be to God! "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." (Psalm 113:9)

Welcome, Plano Parents! I think you will find many of us Forum-ites will tell you that if you feel the agency you are with isn't right for you ... DON'T stay there! Of course, in some cases you may have such a monetary commitment that you are hard-pressed to make a change, but if that's not the case, and if your "gut" is telling you that it doesn't feel right, then don't be afraid to act on it. Developing a relationship with an agency is really important -- there has to be trust, open communication, and mutual understanding. After all, you're working with them to form a family ... what could be more important than that! So, carefully consider what you are feeling and why ... and if you still believe you may be working with an agency that is no longer right for you, move on and find one that is! (And, most of us here will tell you Abrazo is a GREAT choice! Best wishes!

Not sure about the law in your state, but giving someone sole custody of the children in a divorce proceeding typically is not the same as termination of parental rights, which is required in an adoption proceeding.

OK -- I'll be one of the first ones to post that we are "mature" parents -- my husband is 51 and I will be 44 next week (oh my gosh!) -- and we are parenting three girls, ages 5, 4, and 2. No doubt that we are tired at the end of the day ... but since I have nothing to compare it to, I don't really know what I would have felt like had we been parents in our 20's, which is when we first married. I do know that we certainly were not ready to be parents at that time -- still too involved in establishing careers, travelling, etc. In fact, I have no doubts that we are MUCH better parents today because we're not worried about careers or missing out on anything -- we've done everything we really wanted to ... except parent ... and now we have the blessing of being able to do that too! So, in answer to the question above, I guess I would not be in favor of blanket age limits when it comes to adopting. Instead, I think agencies and social workers need to look at the APs' ages on a case-by-case basis and see how that plays into their physical abilities, mental thought processes, etc. I know that my husband is in FAR better shape than many of the 30-something dads we know who are parenting children the same age as our girls ... and he certainly thinks "young" (I often say I am parenting four children instead of three!). Everybody is different -- age is just one factor in a long list of many to consider. Also, we adopted our children at ages 19 days, 2 years-7 months, and 6-1/2 months. There were different challenges in adopting at a toddler age (and there are posts elsewhere in the Forum that address this more specifically), and I wouldn't necessarily say that older parents across-the-board are better suited to handle these challenges -- again, this is something that definitely needs to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. By the way, we are old enough to be our BPs' parents! In fact, our BP (who is estranged from her own family) often has said to me, "Why do I need to talk to my parents when I have you and G instead?" Isn't that just the wierdest???!!!

I totally agree that pictures are very important -- a birthmother that we matched with said she chose us because our house looked "real" to her (what she saw in the picture was a Coke can on the coffee table with magazines lying around everywhere) -- she said all the other profiles she had seen looked like no one ever lived in their houses (i.e., they were too "perfect"). She also liked the fact that we included a "crazy" picture of my husband getting a facial -- she said she wanted her child to be raised by a man who was comfortable enough with his "manhood" that he would get a facial! Go figure! On another note, though, don't overlook what you write. In talking with our girls' birthfather the other day, he said one of the primary reasons he chose us was because we had been married for so long. Ironically, my husband and I had debated on whether to include that in our letter for fear it would make us sound too "old"!

Check out the posts under "Is it too soon?" in this same category (Life After Adoption) -- there are some good responses to this same kind of question. My oldest daughter and our middle daughter are 13 months apart, and the middle girl and youngest are 28 months apart. It's lots of work, but lots of fun too! We went through our second orientation with Abrazo exactly one year after our first orientation -- we took placement of a second child exactly one year after we took placement of our first! If you think you are ready, then you probably are! Just be prepared for the unexpected ... you may have to wait a while, but on the other hand, it may be sooner than you think ...