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Posts posted by Steven&Melissa
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Seriously sweet photos in the gallery!!! I love that tender moment one.
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Abrazo has been saddened to learn of the deaths of two of our birthfathers-- the untimely passing of Christo's birthfather last year, and yesterday's tragic death of David V., the birthfather of Jordan. David attended birthparent support group faithfully with his girlfriend Monica, and we remember him fondly. We lift both these young men and their families, as well as the Pontikis & Potvin families, in our prayers.
Huge hugs to both of these families. Merae - I know Jordan will cherish the photos and the stories you have to share with her now more than ever. I am so very sorry for the losses everyone is experiencing because these men are no longer here.
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Finalization just isn't going to be the same without Bob and his famous photo opp as he hands the papers to the child. Sure hope his family and friends are finding peace in their hearts and know what a special part he was in our journeys!
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So happy to hear about your wonderful weekend!!! And HUUUUUGE congratulations to Lauranda on her Associate's Degree! Great job to your girl! Super proud of her and I know you are beaming all-around!
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Congratulations to this sweet new family of 4!!
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Thoughts? [birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Positive Adoption Language
Pasted below in case the link goes bad.
'Positive' Adoption Language?By Lorraine Dusky © 2011Shortly after my daughter, Jane—whom I had given up for adoption but had reunited with a quarter of a century earlier—died my husband and a friend of ours were talking about the circumstances of her death at a cocktail party I had chosen not to attend.If you are an adoptive parent reading this blog, do I have your attention yet? I’ve used words that adoptive parents recoil from: gave up, daughter without modifiers, and though you may be thinking, birth mother, I avoid the use of the term whenever possible. Women who relinquished their children are not having the same negative reaction to my choice of words.To continue: both my husband and our friend simply spoke of my daughter as they talked. An adoptive mother walked up midway in the conversation. The second time she heard “her daughter,” the adoptive mother interjected, birth daughter.I have never been able to see this woman since and not be reminded of that incident; actually my reaction is much more visceral: I want to scream at her and pointedly ask about her “adopted daughter’s” migraines.To do so would be such a social faux pas—and it would hurt her to the quick. Yet she felt no compunction refining my friend’s language, and neither did another adoptive mother, and a friend, I thought, hold back when she interrupted me to insist that I not refer to my daughter’s adopters as her adoptive parents. “They are her parents,” she said willfully while I stood there, bewildered and diminished. Where is it writ, I wondered, that adoptive mothers and fathers are merely mothers and fathers, but we women who bore the children, who are, in fact, mothers, must always be reduced to someone with a modifier?'PREFERRED' ADOPTION LANGUAGE IS FAVORED BY WHOM?The “preferred adoptive language” that agencies and adoptive parents have promoted since the Seventies has made adopters—a term in common usage around the world--more comfortable with the situation of adoption, but this has been at the expense of the realities and feelings of the mothers who bore the children. The tough language of the past has been smoothed over to sooth the sensibilities of those who take the children, but in doing so increased the defensiveness and animosity towards those who raise them.Once we were natural mothers, defining our role as conceived by nature; the term, to us, indicated exactly who we were and how we fit into the scheme of our children’s lives. It also signaled we were not raising the child, because mothers are mothers, no modifiers necessary. But as adoption became big business in the Sixties and Seventies, the clients—those who pay the fees, and thus the keep agencies in business— conveyed their discomfort at what the word, to them, implied: that they were the unnatural parents. So articles about “preferred adoption language” were written, charts of good and bad language drawn up and circulated, and the new, less harsh lingo was soon common currency among social workers, adoptive parents, and the media. But what was cleansed out of the equation was that every adoption begins with someone else’s catastrophe.Along with the introduction of terms such as birth or biological mother were a whole passel of others: give up or surrender (which is how we mothers feel) was to be replaced by placed for adoption or the ever more noxious, make an adoption plan; mothers did not keep their children; they chose to parent them; mother and child reunions did not occur; they were meetings, or make contact. The rationale for that one goes into lala land, as it signifies that since mother and child never were never together, thus a reunion could not take place. Excuse me? After a squealing, live infant painfully emerges from one’s womb you two have definitely been together, and a meeting is absolutely a reunion. The concept of make contact or a meeting also implies it is a one-time occurrence.WHEN DROWNING, SWIM DIRECTLY TO LIFE PRESERVERThe most toxic “preferred” term of all is make an adoption plan. Is someone who falls off an ocean liner and then thrown a life saver “making a plan” as she swims to it? Or is she just doing what she must to save her life? If I can make an adoption plan, certainly I am able to rationally weighing various options, and have the resources to make an alternative plan. My social worker at the time of relinquishment may have been “making an adoption plan” but I was drowning in a sea of shame and societal mindset that all pointed one way: Give up your daughter. Give her a good life, better than anything you can provide. She needs two parents, not one. Et cetera. Indeed, I was giving up. For the vast majority of us most of us, even today, that is the reality of relinquishing a child to be someone else’s.This preferred adoption language calls we mothers up short and diminishes our connection to the children we bore; it is meant to lessen the calamity of losing our children due to circumstances typically beyond our control, such as youth and poverty, and turns a devastating experience into someone else’s “miracle of adoption,” a phrase commonly used on adoption websites. Our reaction is sometimes mere perplexity as we hear this language in common currency, on television, from acquaintances, not comprehending why the words make us uncomfortable. Yet we feel denigrated and react more negatively than we would if our true connection to the child, and the outright disaster that a surrender is, were acknowledged by everyone. And thus the divisions that separate us—mother/adoptee/adoptive mother—become intensified tenfold.A particularly noxious practice is calling women who are considering relinquishing their children “birth mothers” well before a child is born. Designating her as such establishes a mindset—in the social worker, in the adoptive parents, and in the pregnant woman herself—that she is on a track to relinquishment of her child—and changing her mind, and keeping her child, then appears to be some sort of chicanery on her part. Until she signs the surrender papers, she is no more a “birth mother” than a person who wishes to adopt is an “adoptive parent” until someone brings a child home. Those designations need to come after, not before, any birth, or signing of the surrender papers.But “birth” and “first” and “natural” are genteel compared to what we are sometimes called on various adoptive parent blogs. female dog, reproductive agent, uterus of origin, womb, source material, egg layer, and egg donor are some that I’m aware of. In a collection of essays titled Wanting a Child, writer Jill Bialosky could not bring herself to use any “mother” term at all, but called her son’s natural mother “the woman who labored him.” She goes on to say that this woman is her definition of a Messiah. I would like to see her reaction if this Messiah ever came to talk to her and the son who was “born from other sperm and egg.”Does what we call the same thing make a difference in how we perceive it, in how we experience the world? Until very recently, thinkers assumed that the human experience was universal and language diversity could not modify that. However, new research from a Stanford University psychologist is demonstrating that indeed language shapes thought, so much so that the private mental lives of speakers of different languages may differ dramatically, even so far as to include basic sensory perception. While the work of Lera Boroditsky is with people who speak different languages, it is not a great leap to see how the words we use to describe the adoption experience shapes how people feel and think about it. Today the preferred language, or agency-speak, has been so thoroughly imbedded in English that the pain and suffering every adoption represents is all but obliterated in the public mind. Darn straight we’re pissed off about it.ORIGINS OF 'BIRTH MOTHER'The use of birth mother became common in the Seventies, and was even promoted by women who lost children to adoption when Concerned United Birthparents was formed, but it is little different from biological mother and I have never felt comfortable with either term: “They call me ‘biological mother.’ I hate those words,” I wrote in the Seventies. “They make me sound like a baby machine, a conduit, without emotions. They tell me to forget and go out and make a new life. I had a baby and I gave her away. But I am a mother.”First mother? That too is stilted and unsatisfactory, and irritates adoptive mothers because it makes them second mothers. They are, in a sense, but they are also the fulltime mothers who pulled all-nighters when fevers were high and made countless PB&J sandwiches, and did the hard work of raising a child. After I found my daughter and developed a relationship with her other mother, that is what how I generally referred to her. Jane’s other mother. In conversation with me, she referred to Jane as our daughter. Small concessions on each part led to a relaxing of barriers. Of course, she probably referred to me as Jane’s birth mother when I wasn’t there, just as I refer to her as my daughter’s adoptive mother. But not every situation is so personal and allows for the kind of leeway that Jane’s other mother and I enjoyed.When I was deciding what to call my blog, I chose First Mother Forum because I liked the alliteration and thought that would make it easy to remember, and that became the URL (www.firstmotherforum.com); however because birth mother is so inculcated into the language, I reluctantly added [birth Mother]—now in parentheses—to the title so that people searching for the subject matter of the blog would be found by the greatest number of people. The numbers of visitors immediately shot up. Now I have to admit that in many circumstances, I do not flinch when I’m called a birth mother; first mother may be less offensive to some, but to me the degree is negligible, and should not be a dividing issue among us.Yet it is. The American Adoption Congress has a petition of “birth parents” in support of adoptees’ right to their original birth certificates, but many mothers will not add their names because of that distinction. This is sad. This is an intermural skirmish among us working for the same goal, but letting this fracture us as we try to change legislators minds and votes ultimately weakens us and drags down the movement. My hope that any parent—mother or father—involved in a relinquishment will sign the petition so that we can, together, be a greater force for change than we are if we are splintered into many factions. (See sidebar for link.)Some young mothers, evangelicals and Mormons, particularly, call themselves “proud birth mothers,” but that comes out of being so thoroughly inculcated into the ethos of their religion. We shall see how they feel in ten, twenty years, or when what they expected to be an open adoption slams shut, with no forwarding address.Yet I am sadly aware that some natural mothers refuse contact when reached through intermediaries, or even by the adoptee herself. These women have been able to shunt their grief and turn away from their children's need for a complete identity. I don’t know what to say to these women. I can understand what they do--years of lying by the sin of omission and telling their spouses or other children is a difficult hurdle to overcome--but I do not think they understand the additional pain they inflict on their children. If they do, they are without mercy for others, they are simply cruel.CONTEXT IS ALL4 Generations: My mother, Jane, Granddaughter Kim, and Lorraine At my daughter’s wake, it was clear that some members of Jane’s extended family were not happy with the studio portrait picture of Jane, my mother, Jane’s daughter and me that was on display, or even with the fact that I was there, and so were my husband and a nephew, a cousin of Jane's. So be it, I thought. I'm here. Jane's friends were all friendly, but there were lots of time during the long couple of hours when I sat with Tony, or my nephew. At some point, a woman approached me with a couple of other people and I sensed immediately she was friendly. “Are you Jane’s biological mother?” she asked expectantly. "I knew Jane from Toastmasters."
You know, I liked her calling me that: biological mother. It was direct, honest and as accurate as natural mother. I liked that she didn’t know she should be using PC language--aka birth mother--that she was asking, Did Jane and I share DNA? Before I could answer, I saw that she was with a few other of Jane’s acquaintances from Toastmasters who were waiting for my response.Yes, I said, wondering what would come next. “She talked about you all the time,” the woman said, pleased to be telling me this. In that instant, I didn’t care how Jane referred to me with her friends. -
The pictures are precious, thank you for sharing them with your forum family
They really are beautiful! We were blessed with an amazing birth grandmother when Amelia came into our family and I think often to the love you have for Sloane. She has been a huge added bonus to our lives, so I can only imagine the very special place she'll hold in Amelia's heart.
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I have chills looking at the family photo.... Carissa, your face shows the emotions you have been carrying around for the past few days, but in the very best of ways. Your new daughter is absolutely beautiful and I pray that you will be able to build a wonderful relationship with M over the years. Huge hugs to you!!!
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Lauranda and I finally got out into the yard yesterday and pulled out all our frozen plants and started reading the dirt for more planting. Thank goodness it was a comfortable day..
Then we treated ourselves with a trip to Dairy Queen.. Hadn't been there in a long while.. Yum! Thinking may HAVE to make that trip again in a couple of weeks.
I absolutely can't wait to get outside and spruce up the flower beds and plant the vegetable garden! It is still too early here, but getting closer! Jealous!
I found myself daydreaming about a day exactly like that when I walked outside and it felt SO WONDERFUL... finally! Feels like winter has overstayed its welcome this year!
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Congratulations, Justin and Helen! Little boys are amazing blessings and I know you're going to have so much fun. Many prayers for his first family as well during this difficult time! Can't wait to hopefully meet him at the reunion in August!
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Finally looks like I'm on my way to resolving this nuisance light headed/dizzy episodes..last 4 weeks visiting an ENT more MRIs, he is taking care of partial problem and something else he found that I had no clue I had.. Then he referred me to a Neruotologist and after a couple of long long visits and almost 8 hrs of additional testing he found two things causing me the problems... So glad cause I was close to thinking I was nuts..
Hope this means you're on the road to recovery now! So glad to hear!
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Congratulations, Ben and Lena! I know it's been a long, emotional journey but now you are among the many who look at their child knowing that God's timing was absolutely perfect! SO happy for you!!
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Welcome, sweet babies, and congratulations to Dana and Tisha. We hope you'll always be members of the Abrazo community and look forward to watching your sweet little miracles grow! Enjoy these sleepless nights!!
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Here's another thread - Employer Adoption Benefits
I work for a global hotel company and they don't offer the same benefits for adopting mothers/fathers as they do parents who give birth. I met once with the SVP who determines our company's benefits and he explained to me why we're treated differently. It all comes down to dollars and cents, unfortunately. The cost to the company for offering exact benefits to adopting couples outweighs the benefits to the company because so few couples adopt compared to couples who give birth. Fair or not, "it is what it is." Fortunately, we are allowed "bonding leave" and in the state of TN, I was given 4 months of unpaid leave for bonding. I had to exhaust all of my PTO at the beginning of this leave, so I'll return to work with no PTO left in the bank. For Steven's company, they realized the same issues my company realized... but decided to be nice guys and offer a one-time cash reimbursement to offset the lost pay with unpaid bonding.
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Congrats, Teri and Stephen!! Ryder is beautiful!
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HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you and your family, Mari! Lots of love and gratitude from all of us.
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Sooo happy to see this announcement!! Lots of prayers that this new family will bond in time and all embrace the openness this little girl deserves!
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Happy Birthday, Mari!!! Hope your day was even half as wonderful as you are!
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CONGRATULATIONS to this new family! We hope you will find strength through the Abrazo family. We've all had you in our prayers!
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We are SO happy for you, Brent and Lynn and Caleb, too! What wonderful parents Avery has and we are so thrilled to see your baby girl find you!! Congratulations!!!!
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Thanks! Glad to get in front of an audience willing to listen to our story.
I know orientation jusssst ended, but has a date been confirmed or considered (that I can tell the audience about) for when the next orientation weekend might be held? If not, no biggie. I can just tell them they should start on paperwork right away, so they could be sitting in San Antonio soon after the first of the year.
I love the thought of a bigger Memphis crowd. We've been so blessed recently with families who attend gatherings and get the kids together and I'd love to see that circle grow even bigger!!
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Oh, no! Mari - I'm so sorry to hear you've been feeling so bad. I hope everything subsides quickly. We've known a few people in our lives with Fibromyalgia and it's been a really difficult path for them. Praying you are feeling as much relief as possible soon. You always have such a positive outlook, so I know your optimism will help you heal even faster.
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Thinking of you today, Mari! I hope the second injection can get you past that 90% goal.
Keeping you in our prayers, Mari!
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When is the October, 2013 orientation weekend scheduled for?
A Birth Grandmother's Role
in BirthGrandparents & Important Others
Posted
You're a good guy, Steven G.