Steven&Melissa

Ok, that choked me up, too.

I read the below submission in a blog called Bumbler's Bumblings today, which is written by an adoptive mom, but her son's birth mother is a guest writer sometimes. The writing below is from her son's birthmom Amber about the day she first met her son's parents, her expectations for them, why she chose them, and her feelings on selecting the right family for her baby. Such a moving story about all of the thought that went into her decision. Here's the link, but the text is pasted below in case the link goes bad.

We just recently started using the library for Ollie and are going every week to get a new stack. I've noticed a ton of books about a new baby coming into the family (and someone locally must have also donated a big stack about families grown from adoption). Wouldn't be bad to stop by your local branch and ask the children's librarian if they have some suggestions. I have honestly seen 10+ and we've already read quite a few (some much better than others!) Thanks for the suggestion, Jocelyn! I will look for this one next time.

I believe all payments need to be in the form of a check (or other such form... Not sure on those specifics) but I've never heard of a credit card being allowed?

Welcome to the world, Alex! A huge congratulations to Scott and Deb. We are keeping everyone who loves Alex in our prayers!

Bridgett - I have to admit I was also pretty angry when I realized our policies. I work for a large, global company and just before we adopted Oliver, I found myself in DC. I requested time with our Chief HR Officer and gave my thoughts and opinions and asked for an explanation. He got very detailed with me and though I respectfully had to agree to disagree with him, I could see why a group of decision-makers who had never been touched by adoption made the decisions they did. I chuckled the other day when I called the company that now handles our benefits (outsourced now). I explained to the girl that I needed an explanation of the process and what I'd be expected to do once we found out we were about to take placement (paperwork, who to alert, etc). I called it "maternity leave" and she heehaw'd around that for a while before she said, "Oooooohhhhh, you mean A BONDING LEAVE OF ABSENCE." Huh? Sure... yes, a bonding leave of absence then. "Women who give birth to their children get maternity leave through short term medical leave, but when you adopt someone's baby, it's just a bonding leave of absence." I don't know why it felt like a slap in the face, but it did! There is most certainly something about "standing in a different line," of sorts, that feels stinging, no matter how seemingly resolved your infertility issues are (and I imagine this is how most adoptees feel about "standing in a different line" through no choice of their own). Steven's company gives a $5k payment per child, per adoption. Mine gives nothing. Steven's also gives unpaid paternity leave, regardless of the method the child comes to you. That $5k puts a dent in the pay we lose out on during that "bonding period," but the bonding is essential whether we're getting paid or not. That time is critical for a newborn, but I can't imagine heading back to work and not having that time for Oliver to learn us and for us to learn all about him. I hate that companies do this, but each adoptive family has to find a way around the financial aspects of it all. I think this is why we see a lot of families in their 40's or older adopting for the first time... the fertility treatments and everything else don't just take time, they take money... and after you've wasted all your time, you've wasted all your money, too. Financing an adoption is not an easy thing to do for 99% of us and I think many of us don't build our families in the time frame we otherwise would have, namely because we're trying to get into a financial space where we can afford it... but for a certain population of the world, who are having biological families... they are planning their families against their financial capabilities, too. And hopefully they're not telling their kids that they might not exist today, had mom and dad not waited a few years to build a family because the expenses just weren't where they needed them to be. Finances are just a touchy thing to talk about, no matter what the context. I understand that some children are going to be sensitive to each step of their adoption story, just as some of us adults have a sore spot for the topic in our adoption journeys as well! Hopefully the way we process it will help establish a healthy frame of mind for our kids as they grow.

Congratulations to Chris, Judy and Mikayla! And welcome sweet baby Joshua! I know you're going to show your mama and daddy just how awesome it is to have a baby boy around!

I loved your response, Ellen... and Leah, I used to feel like we had to justify reasons and now I don't either. When we were getting ready for Oliver's adoption, though we were financially prepared, we knew we could use extra money in the bank for travel costs, possible NICU, etc. So, with that waiting time, I put a note in our neighborhood newsletter asking for the "leftovers" from yard sales. If people were going to haul them off to the trash anyway, why not let us come and do the cleanup for them? They didn't have to haul off their "junk" and we got stuff we could sell at our next yard sale. We ended up having a couple of sales and raised thousands of dollars from the effort. Someone wrote an editorial for our city's newspaper, though, and obviously they visited our tiny midtown bungalow and got pretty mouthy with their comments. They basically said he heard this "wealthy" couple (we most certainly, obviously were not) talking to a buyer about what the funds would be used for. He heard a conversation spark amongst many buyers and he couldn't help but think about how our future child would feel, "knowing he'd been bought with the money gotten from a dusty old end table." Really? The comments he received online on that editorial were satisfaction enough for me, but for real.... adoption is a costly undertaking. It's a tightrope... I think many people believe all APs are "buying" a baby, but in reality (with Abrazo at least, thank goodness) we are paying for services that are desperately needed in creating forever unions and I for one feel pretty good about that.

I liked your soapbox, Ellen... stay on it for as long as you'd like!

My co-worker actually has the kids' version on her desk and we read that one sometimes... I like how it gets the message across. Even for an adult, it's just easier to digest sometimes!

Finally. Finally, a year later... our 2011 adoption tax credit (along with the other portion of our taxes, which should have been returned ages ago) have been forked over by our friends at the IRS. Just in time for me to file our 2012 taxes, which should be a walk in the park in comparison. The good news is that we have what we need sitting in our account, just waiting to be used for the adoption of our next baby, travel, unpaid time off work, camp/travel, and finalization/travel. So good to have it in our account finally! They put us under quite a microscope, lost our address 4 times and sent to our old house, lost documents numerous times and required them all over again, etc. Funny what happens when you stall the IRS, but they can push every button and mock you for a solid year, no problem! I know this money isn't something we "deserve," but what a relief and a blessing.

Waiting this time around (so far anyway!) has felt different for me. I have this relaxation and peace I didn't have the first time around. The manic urgency just isn't there (yet). I keep saying "so far" and "yet" because I know the calm could turn into a storm of craziness overnight, but I'm super thankful right now for the relaxation. I know Abrazo promotes "nesting," and I think we usually mean that in reference to preparing for the baby. Get the nursery ready, catch up on the "honey do list" that will undoubtedly be cast aside once a baby is demanding all of your attention, etc. But I think "nesting" has meant something different during our wait for baby 2. Now, we have baby 1 to focus on. He still demands our time, but what's felt really good about this nesting routine is that I can focus on doing things for Oliver to make him feel special. His big boy room is almost complete and it's been such a good distraction to do something that is 100% for Ollie (okay, maybe a little bit for me, too). From painting his room to picking out furniture to refurbish, then refurbishing it... choosing each individual piece of artwork and the perfect frame... having his bedding and curtains made from fabrics I went out and chose... it's all added up to keeping me very busy and preoccupied with doing something really special for Oliver. I dread his bedroom project ending a tiny bit because even though I'm excited to enjoy his room, I'm worried about what I'll start on next! The nursery for baby 2 is almost complete... I just have a few personalized things I'd like to do to it. But there is something about keeping my mind on things OTHER than baby 2 for now that is keeping me sane. Poor Steven... the checkbook surely doesn't like my new need for preoccupation, but the house is looking GOOD (one room at a time)!

Yikes, Jen! I think I wrote in detail about it in this thread (or maybe another in the Againers' section?) but I called Elizabeth and got the details. The first agency I talked to way overshot the charges, needs, etc. It was going to not only waste a bunch of our money, but our time, too. Then we found an agency that knew what they were doing and we ended up spending around $500, plus the charges for the background check. All in all, around $600, I think? Elizabeth can arm you with some basic information so you know your "rights," but I know some DC-area families ended up having to go through the process all over, but most of us do not. Keep everyone updated?

Loved getting to see the photos from your visit, Mari! They always bring such a huge smile to my face because there is no doubt how loved Sloane is (and no doubt she knows it!)

So glad to hear this news, Mari! Happy Valentine's Day to your family!

My mom and I were just talking about this yesterday. With our failed match, we felt like there were so many signs. My parents had to live in Austin for a job for one year and just after they moved there, we matched with J, who lived in Austin (what are the chances in the big 'ol state of TX and considering none of us had even been to TX before), J's name had the name "Lynn" in it, which is my grandmother's name, who passed just before I was born. When I was in Atlanta just before we officially matched, I was helping my sister take care of a cat (on behalf of my teenage niece who skipped out on the job) and when we walked into the home, a radio was on and it was playing Dolly Parton's "Jolene," which was very close to the birthmama's name. The birthmama and I took a photo together once and side by side, we looked eerily like sisters. Her due date was only a couple of days off from my grandmother Lynn's, who had passed... I felt like my grandmother was in every stitch of the adoption plan. And of course, the match fell through, and those "coincidences" turned out to be just that. Except now I like to think it was my grandma telling me to hold on through that difficult match because we were placed on pause for exactly the right amount of time so that we were available for Oliver. I still like to think God and our loved ones are in the details, but maybe not in the most obvious of ways?

I always love going back and seeing posts like these... nobody had any clue sweet Madelyn was just a little over a week away from making her grand entrance when this post was written.

What a strong birthmama Madelyn must have (and what an awesome trait to inherit!) Celebrating with Monica, Gary and Garrett as they welcome this sweet blessing into the world and embrace Madelyn's birthmama with open arms.

I also think maybe it's a case of "right place, right time." Some people wait months and months, and others have things unfold so quickly (no matter their age, the number of children they already have, etc) because it's just a case of perfect timing. I have no doubt there is an awesome family out there who is going to choose you and Gary (and Garrett!) without a doubt in their minds, Monica. You guys are awesome and I know you are going to be the perfect family for a very deserving birthmama.

Really love this topic and all of the responses. Though I'd put a lot of thought into this, I hadn't made steps (in our profile, or in preparing for phone calls) to convey how we have a very special place in our family for a second child and how truly treasured she/he will be. It's easy to forget that expectant parents won't just know this and it's something we need to convey. I did a little editing on our profile after reading this thread and am glad I read it when I did!

I've been feeling the tug of "is this divine intervention or am I just paying more attention now?" with noticing transracial anglo/AA families in Memphis recently. I am a people-watcher by nature, but I can't help feeling like some type of intervention is occurring that's showing me that we are capable. Part of me thinks I am just more sensitive to it now, but when we went to the zoo last weekend and we saw a dozen Anglo/AA families (on a pretty desolate, chilly day at the zoo), Steven and I were both eventually swapping glances. All of that aside, I think it gives most of us some peace to think that someone has ordained and blessed our families. I believe strongly that our actions impact our quality of life, so I don't believe that we're just robots enacting a play, so I do think we're given choices... but I don't believe anything is an accident on God's part and I don't believe things come to fruition that are beyond our capabilities. I know it's personal to each of us, but during our first journey, I was certain I was not ready to be the parent of an AA child. This time around, I felt my mind opened to doing more research, talking to strangers, etc... and praying about it, specifically. So whether the child we adopt is "white" or "brown" or "black," or somewhere in-between, I don't think God is going to give us anything we can't handle. And that peace of mind is something that I do, undoubtedly, believe is happening with God's help.

Congrats to all of you on your sweet baby boy! Can't wait to see the first pic of Gavin with his baby brother.

Really interesting and deserved a bump!