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kristal

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Everything posted by kristal

  1. I'm not trying to knock the Catholic Church, but its not as simple as saying "don't have sex" because if that was working the entire continent wouldn't have the highest infection rate in the world. See I think an approach like Uganda took makes the most sense "Uganda used a policy combining abstinence, fidelity and - only if necessary - the use of condoms, to achieve a significant reduction in the spread of HIV." And in the 1980's Uganda was riddled with AIDS but as it uses this system to educate and promote abstaining, committed sex, and when necessary using condoms, the Ugandan infection rate has dropped from 30% to 6%, not to say it isn't a problem anymore but there has been improvement. Obviously condoms are not the driving force on the war against AIDS but it just seems a blanket policy about not using condoms won't really help out Africans. There are match making services provided by some of the governments to pair pair people with AIDS together, in hopes of reducing the chances they will spread the disease to others, but then when these couples have children they get the disease and spread it. Its a vicious cycle and I think anything that can be done to slow it at all is a good idea. Passing the disease through birth is a huge problem considering 60% of the people in Africa with AIDS are women. I think the situation over there is pretty dire and whats really sad is that some Africans don't know what AIDS is, or they don't know they have it or they have unfounded beliefs about cures, like that sex with a virgin cures AIDS. In 2001 the world was shocked to find out that it was common for infants only a few months old to get raped by several different people in some areas of Africa because they believed it cured AIDS. AIDS in Africa is spread mostly by heterosexual partners, and while the problem is getting better in 2007 an estamated 1.3 million people died in Africa from AIDS while 1.7 million became infected with HIV. Honestly condoms are mostly used in more progressive countries, meaning that many Africans have never seen one. And abstaining because of health risks or spiritual beliefs would be the most effective way to curb transmission, but just like here in America abstinence only leaves gaps of uneducated people making decisions without knowing the consequences. I know the Catholic Church does work in Africa, as many churches do, and that's admirable, but if anything at all can put a dent in the spread of such a powerful disease than it should be used to its capacity. That means encouraging abstinence and condom use. Here's a site from a group that works to prevent AIDS about the AIDS problem in Africa, its pretty sobering to read about this stuff. http://www.avert.org/aids-africa-questions.htm
  2. I know religion and politics are hot buttons but I just can't say that this is a BAD idea loud enough
  3. "Sarah Kastner feels too many people still believe birth parents who give up their child for adoption do it out of neglect or apathy. Ms. KASTNER: You give him up for adoption out of love, not out of, like, selfishness, that you just don’t want to be responsible, and I think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand. Like, I have had to explain that a lot. " Augh!!! This is so true!! A lot of people don't get it and its so fusterating having to explain that I keep in contact because I placed out of love and I always want Colby to know he's loved and I always want to know how he is because I do love him. She mentions it too, the wondering, she'd wonder all the time how Bo was if she didn't have an open adoption. It still seems so many people think you place to just "get rid of the baby"- thats not whats under most adoptions, thats what abortions are. I'm glad open adoption has been getting some postive attention! I'm glad the rest of the world is catching on! (Now if only they'd learn the difference in giving up and placing... )
  4. I know I was very pleased that the family I selected to parent my son Colby had (and still has) pets. I too am a HUGE animal lover and every time I go to someones house and they have no pets I just can't help feeling its so empty!! I know you can't vaccinate your turtle- but keeping it out of baby's reach is safest not just for baby but especially for turtle too!! Good luck on your journey!
  5. Oh and in the Parenting section, under Raising Kids Today there is a topic about this called For Blended Families, with Children both Adopted and Homegrown it doesn't have much in it (Yet!), but its there!
  6. Hi Brandy, I'm actually on the of the other side of your situation. I placed with a family that had biological twin sons, Riley and Bailey. The boys were five when Colby came home with them. Their parents would tell them that Colby was growing in my belly because Mama's belly was broken. They also enrolled the boys in a class that had infant care principals for kids. Like they took a toilet paper roll and had a bunch of things to try and stick in it. They were told if anything fit in the toilet paper roll then it was too small for baby. They learned what things they could do to help out with Colby, like hold a bottle or give him his pacifier. They were so excited when Colby came, and although they weren't at the hospital and didn't come until after we signed papers, I gave them a call to tell them their little brother was born. I'm not sure the level of openness you're seeking in your adoption, but the boys also came on several visits with their parents to see me. They'd ask all kinds of questions about how Colby was doing, and rub my belly, and seemed completely satisfied that their brother was growing somewhere else. Close to Colby's birth they actually announced to everyone at daycare that they were adopting a baby brother. I have an open relationship with Colby and his family and to this day Riley, Bailey and Colby all know that Colby was adopted because he grew in Mama Kristal's tummy since Mama's tummy was broken. Their parents also had the judge incorporate the boys in the adoption finalization. Riley and Bailey swore in to take care of and love Colby just like Mom and Dad. Riley and Bailey of course don't cal me Mama Kristal, but we still see each other and talk. The way we all look at it is there is no harm in there being more people who love the kids! I hope you can find the information you're looking for!!
  7. Sites that will help you find other resources and support: Keep in mind that just because you are considering adoption, or are making an adoption plan, YOU are still your child's mother. You have the right to investigate other options, and ultimately you have the right to change your mind up until signing relinquishment papers. Need to know facts for teen parents: http://www.teenparents.org/ Emotional support for young/single mothers: http://www.girlmom.com/ http://www.youngmommies.com/ http://cybermoms.cyberbeach.net/ http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/ http://www.keepyourbaby.com/single_parenting_myths.html Support for anyone feeling pressured to place: http://www.keepyourbaby.com/ Confronting the trauma that comes after placement: http://home.att.net/~judy.kelly/thesis.htm http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_trau..._they_knew.html http://www.birthmothers.info/abstracts.htm Housing help for mothers without many resources: http://www.mommashouse.org/ http://www.singlemom.com/Housing/SingleMomHousing.aspx http://co-abode.com/ "Grandma's House."-houses up to 10 young women and their babies. Open to women up to age 19 and they can stay with their babies up until the babies are 1 year old. They help them with school and career choices and daycare for the babies. They are currently working on opening a facility for Moms with toddlers as they see a need for continued mentoring of these young women. A place they can come to if they are overwhelmed or in a bad situation for themselves or their children. Contact: Grandma's House of Central Oregon, Inc., P.O. Box 6372, Bend, Oregon 97708 (Woody Medeiros, Executive Director 541-383-3515) http://famcent.phila.gov/sos/ServiceDetail...ceID=2015839176 Support for fathers: http://www.dadsadventure.com/ http://www.fathersworld.com/features.html http://www.teendads.org.nz/fatherandchild/...rs/teendads.htm http://www.fatherhood.org/ http://www.fathers.com/ There is a lot of conflicting information out there on the effects of adoption on children, this, like deciding whether to place, is something you have to figure out for yourself. Good luck, this is the toughest decision you'll ever make, be well informed.
  8. Karen, those two posts of yours make me sad. You are your child's mom. Being the woman raising your daughter is MUCH more enviable than the woman who loves but can't be there for her the way she wants. I know its hard for you to cope with adopting, just as it is for me to cope with placing. Yes, its a good role, but its not the way I ever imagined my role in my son's life. You have been blessed with getting to be the one there for you daughter, Kathy only has the relationship with you to funnel her relationship with her daughter through. To me, being acknowledged as "mom" too is like a hug every time I hear it. A confirmation that I will never be forgotten for the role I have in Colby's life. A commendation from the woman I admire most that she too admires me. I had a baby, I love my son, but unfortunately I'm not raising him. Its many things, but for this I'll use respectful- Its respectful when a woman puts her heart on the line to let strangers raise her baby. She respects you, and you obviously respect her to continue to nurture your open adoption commitment. You guys know each other now, but can you imagine the faith in you that Kathy had, and I'm sure still has, as a mother, as a friend to let her tiny little angel go home with you? Kathy made a heart wrenching decision to try and give Amanda the best that she could. You were a part of that. Trust fully in your title as Mom, as you have proven to be Amanda's mom that in ways Kathy only dreams of.
  9. And reading the artilce on Dr. Lifton deciding against speaking at the conference instead of being sensitive; it reminds me of those really old ladies I see sometimes who forgot there was a civil right's moment. Its doesn't matter if you think that term is right, if a group has said "This term oppresses us," its flat out inappropriate to use it. The first reply on the thirdmom blog was pretty accurate: "Lisa V August 10, 2007 11:50 AM I think you can look at race and ethnicity for changes in language too. Negro, Colored, Black, African American Oriental, Asian Indian, Native American" I wish I could say "Here's a label that will make everyone comfortable!!" But there isn't yet. Honestly, its not really necessary when you explain the situation. Angie is the mother raising Colby, Kristal placed him with Wade and Angie. Kristal is his mother also. It just sounds to me like he's a lucky guy.
  10. See and I think thats it, when almost everyone outside of this community uses the term birthmother its not in such a postive way. It is kind of a "You're just the birthmother, why do you care?" Most people still have the motives wrong, some people tell me I shouldn't have an open relationship. I didn't place because I wanted Colby to go away, but it seems a lot of people think thats the reason a woman would place. Most people think adoption is still some dark secret thing, and I think the term birthmother perpetuates that. As more and more celebrities adopt it seems adopting isn't such a "weird" thing to society, but placing still is. The way I see it, and I've brought this up before, is the term birthmother should only be used when it must be to describe the relationship. "I placed my Colby for adoption" versus "I am Colby's birthmother" and "Kristal is Colby's birthmother" should only be used once, maybe twice when explaining the situation. I feel no need to be labeled "birthmother." It can be very demeaning. I placed a son for adoption. I am not legally his mother but I still love him the same way. I don't distance myself from him or his family by using those labels. I placed a son for adoption. That does not define me. Kristal is blonde, Kristal is tall, Kristal has a son she placed for adoption. The same for his family. They adopted Colby in the past, its not an event that defines their parenting. "Wade and Angie are Colby's parents" "I thought they couldn't have any more children?" "They adopted him." It is kinda like not using the term adoptive child when speaking of the child. Yes, it might need to be clarified, but who really would refer to their baby that way? "This is my adopted son, Colby" Those labels ostracize. It really is different when used by Angie or Mike as opposed to someone I'm not close to. I'm sure you can all think of other terms that people are fine with used by close friends but not others. Terms that can be construed as derogatory are safest only on the lips of those you know mean well by it. And on those profiles, I think its expected you call her something. If all those placing wrote letters to those adopting what do you think they'd title it? What would you feel is most appropriate?
  11. Karen, thanks for illustrating that connection. Its really important. Hopefully these are lifelong matches, they should be at least 18 years though. Baby comes pretty quick though, so when you're developing a relationship on the fast track, it needs to be one that you can cherish forever. Other things to consider: -How many children do the prospective adoptive parents want/have(did you want you child to be an only child or have siblings) -Will the family be separated for periods of time(like a family with a military parent, or a parent who takes a lot of business trips) ---If so how do they intend to keep close?
  12. The hardest decision regarding adoption is "Should I place my child?" The second hardest undoubtedly has to be "Who should I pick to parent my child?" Making this decision sets the pace for the rest of your adoption. Picking the right family means selecting a couple you feel you get along well with. A couple that has the same expectations of open adoption. There isn't a need to settle with a family you aren't 110% about. Abrazo has many parents-in-waiting, and every orientation group brings more profiles to choose from. Abrazo's motto afterall is "Its not if, but when" so don't feel pressured to pick the first family you talk to, their child is out there and you might not have been sure about them because your child isn't the one God has planned for them. Placing is a hard decision, knowing you picked the right family will make it easier. Ask these questions to make sure you and the prospective match are on the same page: -What kind of relationship do they want with you before and after placement? -How do they want to discuss you with the baby? Is this the way you want to be presented? -What do they plan to do for childcare?Is this what you envisioned? (Ex. a stay at home parent, daycare, family care) -How involved are they in a particular religious practice? -How will they explain you to their family? -What family actives do they participate in?
  13. I can't figure out how to comment on the pictures, but how on earth did you manage to look fresh and pretty after giving birth? Really you have to share. I'm due in May and last time I looked like a train hit me for days! I want cute showable pictures too!

  14. By the way, they are adorable. Those blue eyes on Ainsley, they look like the cleanest, clearest water. Better keep her home schooled!! Congratulations on your little ones.

  15. Oh my gosh!!! TWO babies?! TWO?! Its been three years. You have got to go back to work girl or pretty soon you'll have more babies than you know what to do with!!

  16. Oh my goodness! Your little one has such pretty hair!! All that body! I am so jealous!!

  17. Hey there, CONGRATULATIONS on your beautiful son! Can you believe you made him?! I hope everything is going and I pray you have strength.

  18. Hey there! Your family is very nice. Dante is so big! I bet he's an excellent big brother! With love for my second favorite adoptive family!!! ;)

    Kristal

  19. I had a lot (seriously a LOT) of doubts about weither or not I was making the right choice by choosing adoption for my son. What it boiled down to was- Did I desire to raise him solely for my own sake.
  20. When I was seeking a family to place Colby with I looked for 1) A family very committed to an open adoption 2) a family that LOVED kids and 3) a family that was stable and had similar views on parenting as I did.
  21. Wow, this is out there! Too bad such a strange case is probably going to be the one to set the precedent! I think enforceable contact agreements would put a lot of birth parents at ease, but it still has to be something that makes everyone comfortable.
  22. Hi. I hope all is going well.

  23. For the people involved in Dj's life, I hope he has changed. I know Angie grieves for Colby's loss of Dj in his life. The way I see it is I have given Angie all the information I have on him. From here its solely Angie's call if she gets involved with Dj. She knows how I feel about him; and that he refused to be involved in Colby's life until Abrazo called. Holly told him his abandonment of me, while knowing I was pregnant, was basis for termination of his rights. My stipulations would be to be extremely careful and to not let him know anything about me- especially where I am, how to get a hold of me etc. I know Angie would be cautious, her biggest concern would be the safety of her family. If they did develop a healthy relationship then thats great for them, and for Colby. But these previously absent birthfather's are such wildcards. They could be criminals, drug addicts, abusive, or they could have totally reformed. I know Dj knows that Abrazo handled the adoption. If he wanted contact I guess thats where it would have to start. By not seeking it I think that gives away his stance on a relationship.
  24. Oh I remember being there. It wasn't purely cowardice that kept me out of Abrazo's line of fire with Dj, although it felt that way at times. I had fallen for his lies for so long and I was afraid to hear anymore from him, because I couldn't trust my resolve to stay away. I don't know if he fought signing the papers, if he tried to talk Holly into letting him talk to me, if he tried to convince her he would take care of Colby. I don't want to know. I wonder about him sometimes, because I feel bad that I don't remember anything great about him to tell our son. The adoption was by no means easy, but not handling Dj made it better. After all that time with him. I felt like I was putting up a stand. I'd left him before. When he hit me pregnant I never went back. We still talked for a little while, but he was so mean, and refused to help. I couldn't do it alone. He knew that and I think he thought I'd come crawling back. I stood up for myself though, and I did what I dreamed of for our son- gave him the best life possible, with two loving parents and a supportive family, and a bright bright future. I couldn't do that with Dj and I so I found the people I truly believed could do that for Colby. I used to look back a lot more with Colby was young. I used to fret over everything I was missing- his first haircut, his first word, walking. It weighed me down so much. Colby's so big now, he is his own person. I don't look back very often now. Just when I see little tow headed boys. I can't imagine it being any other way now. It wouldn't seem right. He's so happy and big and smart and cute and perfect. I think now of whats to come. Him growing older. My daydreams currently are seeing what a magnificent person he's been enabled to become.
  25. Hey good job! Thats a very good site- heres to hoping pregnant women looking for options find it! And Elizabeth is that 14 letters after your name?
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