kristal

Monica, it is OK to say you are dissatisfied with your adoption decision. I also agree with you that there should be a longer waiting period before a mother can relinquish rights and that initialing next to something stating that your mental state isn't clouded doesn't make any sense because if your mental state is clouded you wouldn't recognize/care. I'm very sorry you are in this situation. I started a thread on regret (which I was actually logging on to write in.) You might find it up your alley. http://abrazo.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=4419&hl=regret&st=15

I have a strong feeling that this post wont go over well but this is a section for women considering adoption, and this topic is called "Is Adoption the Wrong Choice." The Case Against Adoption: Research and Alternatives for Concerned Citizens Heres the direct link, opposed to embedded: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/257390/the_case_against_adoption_research_pg6.html?cat=17 Another interesting bit of information: "True some birthmothers did marry, and have other children. However, according to research, far too many did not have another child, 20 to 30% by choice (Anderson, Deykin), and others suffered a secondary infertility rate 170% higher than the general population (Deykin). " http://www.ansrs.com/statistics.htm

I would say to anyone considering placing a child for adoption that they should really know what they'll be facing AFTER relinquishment, not just days later but weeks, months, years. This decison you make now will affect you for the rest of your life. I've copy and pasted the following from http://www.adopting.org/birthmother_grief.html check the link out for more detailed information. My nights were broken Split by the wail of my phantom baby's cries Half asleep I would stumble to the crib that wasn't there Awake Aware now I would return to my bed With empty, aching, arms I wondered as I hugged my pillow close and rocked myself to sleep If you were out there truly crying If your cries had somehow traveled to me If you were now being rocked and comforted by another Or if those tears and cries were welling up from a place deep within me and spilling into my dreams. BR, 1995 Losing a child to adoption is one of the most significant losses that birthparents will ever have to face. For most of us it is also our first experience with the intensity of grief. While grieving is the normal reaction to loss, it hardly feels that way. Sleeplessness, nightmares, depression, anxiety and anger are all ways that grief may manifest itself. The road to healing is as individual as the person experiencing it. . Today, open adoption is often presented to birthparents as a way to lessen the grief of losing a child to adoption. Ongoing contact with the child and the adoptive family is often portrayed only in ideal terms. However, being able to see your child and even eventually develop a relationship with him or her, does not change the fact that you are no longer the child's parent. In fact, the loss of being Mom or Dad is often painfully obvious to us with each visit, from the infant who will only stop crying when the adoptive mother picks him up, to the toddler who has become Daddy's little girl. The grief we feel for our children includes not only missing the times we had with them as their mother or father, but mourning for the times we will not have with them as their parents. One of the first steps in dealing with any loss is in knowing how grief may manifest itself. While I will be discussing various phases of the grieving process, it is important to remember that everyone goes through it in their own way, and in their own time. Your emotions may run the gamut, from sadness, to anger, guilt, relief and anxiety, all in one day! There is no set time table for processing your loss.

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying/acknowledging that

Thank you

I don't think this is a very good post about "Who Birthmothers Are" Yes this woman placed children for adoption but I don't think it'd be appropriate to have a section titled "Who Adoptive Parents Are" and put articles about adoptive parents abusing and killing their adopted children. In fact that kind of story under a title claiming to represent the people in it just serves to scare other people about the person in the topic. Its insinuating that all birthmothers are like this one, because this is WHO birthmothers ARE

I meant more along the lines of "Oh I hope that all the birth mothers who are only placing because of life's circumstances get those issues resolved before they have to place their child" That's what I'm talking about. I'd hope most people want the lives of the placing parents to get better, but it seems no one ever wishes that before the placement if thats all it would take to change the outcome.

This irks me until no end!! I read stuff like this on the forum all the time too. Nobody ever says they hope things will turn around for the mothers that want to parent their children but are backed into placing them because of life's circumstances. Kinda a heavy flip side.

That was really considerate of you to do something special for your daughter on her daughter's birthday.

When I was pregnant I moved into the housing provided by them four hours away from anyone I knew, and shortly after wards was put on bed rest. I was very lonely and Renee took me out to eat and out to paint pottery (on weekends I might add) I was never comfortable going to my doctors appointments alone so one time when Mike couldn't make it, Pamela came with me. After placement I had a really hard time and Elizabeth arranged for me to have extra counseling (outside of the normal 6 weeks where they still help you out.) To this day I know if I needed someone to talk to that they would be just a phone call away. I read stories about other women's adoption process and I'm appalled that the things other agencies do aren't down right illegal! I have to agree that the ladies aren't perfect, but that they really do try. From a placing parents perspective I think adoption can be a horrible thing, but I am glad that Abrazo is out there to make it a littler bit easier, a lot more compassionate, and much more open.

Whoops!! I just noticed all the typos! Karina was helping, she doesn't really have that down yet though! Sorry, I hope you can understand what I meant though!

I dont think placing a child for adoption is a positvive experience for the majority of women in that posiyion. However I do think the nutural/adoptive parents play a huge role in weither or not the natutal/birth/first parents veiw it poistivly, by keeping the agreed upon contact and presenting them in a way they want to be toward the child they placed. I know that this wasn't exectly what most people have in mind when they consider adoptiong but by ensuring that the birth/narutal/first parents are comfortable with their decision the adoptive/nutural parents actually help their child have a more positve veiw of having been placed for and subsquently adopted. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Man from my preseceptive this would be a dream come true! I know the birth certificate is "just a sheet of paper" but still, it hurts to technically not exisit to the child you love True! I love when the exchange of ideas on here goes this way!!

Nurtural is a word, and it'd be the proper one to use too! NURTURAL Adj 1. resulting from nurture nonheritable, noninheritable - not inheritable I try not to use adoptive parents or birth parents because it just seems so... rude. Like birth parents just makes me feel like I was just there for the birth I popped him out and things were done. And adoptive just seems to unnecessarily reinforce that they aren't biological. I've always like the sound of natural mother, but because it seemed so out of place next to adoptive it made the alternative unnatural, which is even more rude. But natural and nurtural go well together. I think you just might be on to something!!! If you don't mind I think I might start using that.

I know something I wrote else where caused you to wonder so I did want to clarify. Was money a reason I chose adoption for my son? Yes. Was money the only reason? No. Did not having money make me have to find a way for him to be properly cared for? Yes. If I had had money would I have placed? Probably not. Would parenting, at that point in my life, have been in Colbys best interest? I can't say it would have been, which was why I did place him. Not having the money to care for Colby put me in a situation where I had to start looking at other options. Although I desperately wanted to parent I realized just how much I'd be putting on that little boy if I chose to. I didn't think it was fair to Colby when I was so uncertain about how things would go for me for me to put Colby through that. So I guess money lead me to adoption but once I was there I was able to accept that there were other reasons I was incapable of parenting Colby at that time.

Karen I think you need to realize that just because some gives birth to someone or is related to someone that deosn't mean they love them. Women give birth to babies they don't care about at all. I don't think this woman doubts that her mother loves her though, that's the root of her problems according to her statement. The problem is that her mother "loved her so much she gave her away" That hearing that made her think that loving someone meant getting rid of them. Honestly I can see where that could be a problem. I think its hard for you to hear of disgruntled adoptees for the same reason it is hard for me. Because someone very important to us was adopted and we played a huge role in making that happen. Its terrifying to think that maybe we did wrong by that person who we only wanted the very best for.

Thankfully the relationship I have with my son's family has always been open, but I could definitely see how a woman who placed her child and was completely cut off form them would feel that sh had lost her child, because she would have. I could also see how the term exiled would be fitting in that situation too. You have to remember that adoption isn't this joyous celebration on the end of the family that is placing their baby. Even when the triad members are friends and they keep contact adoption is still extremely hard. Like I said I have an open relationship with my son and his family but there are days when I just miss him so much. I don't know how women who are cut off from the children they place out of love handle it. I can completely see why people in that situation feel like adoption is evil. And in a way isn't it? What does it say about a culture that says we need all this junk to be good parents when all you really need is love and time and milk. Diapers, formula, $15 toys are Western necessities, they aren't really required to be a good parent.

Sounds like a clear cut case of American ethnocentrism to me

"Finances are one of the major reasons women feel compelled to place their children for adoption," says Adam Pertman of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, a research group. Finances are also prompting more women to question pregnancy and to inquire about abortion. One in 10 married women say they are delaying pregnancy because of the economy, according to a Gallup Organization survey this month. Of all the reasons I chose for placing, money is the only one I struggle with. I think its disgusting that our society is so materialistic that people would place or abort a baby they could actually provide for, but not provide "well enough"- which means they can't provide all the things that the T.V. tells them they need, or that their friends have. I still don't have money and am expecting my second child, which I will be parenting. Yes I had to settle that I didn't need that super cute expensive swing, and that hand me downs are just as good as new things. Money will be tight, but we can afford to feed, clothe, provide shelter for, and give proper care to this baby. We probably wont be able to go out to eat as much, or to buy toys for our pets as often, but thats okay. We're willing to give up some of the things we currently enjoy to be able to raise our child. Its more than worth it to us. And I'll admit, when we go to Babies R Us, or to a friends house and they have a matching nursery and all the cute little things we don't need but that I want, I feel jealous. I feel unprepared. Sometimes it makes me feel inadequate. But then I have to remember that I don't subscribe to cable or listen to the radio for a reason, because I don't feel being bombarded with ideas of things you don't need is good for you. Because I acknowledge that Americans are huge consumers and that I don't have to be entrenched in that cycle. That things are just that things, and I'll readily admit that its nice to have new things, and that I do aspire to have nice things, but I'll also admit that I don't need them to get by. And neither will Karina, especially considering she'll never remember if she had all the "new, improved" stuff anyway. So if someone were to tell me that they were considering placing or aborting simply because of money I would strongly suggest to them that they re-think their budget and realize that there are probably things that they can do without. I would advise them to consider the complete spectrum of options and that their are serious emotional repercussions for both of those choices and that money is a pretty lame excuse when there is help out there.

If only you knew how many other people echoed the way you feel/felt. (((Mari)))

I've been following this story a little. Apparently the Pope went to Jerusalem to visit the Holocaust memorial. This was something that people speculated would be a problem for the Pope since he (like so many other German youth) served in Hitlers youth brigade. Many Jews have a problems with what appears to be a refusal to acknowledge them by the Catholic church. I'm just glad its getting sorted out! With a best friend who is Jewish, a son that is Catholic, and I'm non denominational I really do hope we can all start getting along.

Mari, Welcome to the forum! I placed my son Colby through Abrazo over 3 years ago. My mother and I aren't really close, but she came down after placement and stayed with me. She's tried to support me through this the best she can. I know she loves Colby very much (he is also her first grandchild) but I also recognize that she has a hard time seeing him sometimes. I try to be understanding, but it isn't always so easy to deal with her grief through my grief. She doesn't like to talk about it bothering her, but I can tell it does. She has even said she didn't realize that me placing Colby was going to effect her so much. Even my Grandma, (Colby's Great Grandma) has trouble with the adoption. She sometimes just acts like it didn't happen. I know its because of the generation she's from, but sometimes that really bothers me. My Grandfather on the other hand has a much easier time with it, he's even a picture thief and when he was going through my pictures he'd get excited each time he'd find a picture with Colby holding something in his left hand, proclaiming Colby was left handed just like him! Adoption is really complicated,you are so right that the grief isn't really understood by people who haven't been there. It seems people expect you to move on or not be sad because the baby is alive and healthy and you made (or in your case allowed/supported/didn't fight) the decision. Its frustrating because yes, all those things are true, but just because you made a decision that you felt was the best choice out of your options doesn't mean its the decision you wanted to make. The best choice out of only hard choices is still a hard choice. I hope your daughter does find her way on here. I know its hard to be one of the few on the forum who deals with the hurt and emptiness adoption leaves behind, but I assure you that things will get better. I hated when people told me that because its a hard thing to hold on to, and frankly I couldn't see how they would when I was deepest in my grief, but honestly therapy, medication, and Colby's AMAZING family showed me that things will get better. The devotion of Colby's family to me really surprised me, but knowing that they love and care for not just Colby, but me too showed me that I really did chose a wonderful family for Colby to grow up with, and that they really did intend for me to be a part of Colby's life. I know here's the time thing again, but it really does take time. I'm not saying that I don't still hurt, but the days I hurt are few and far between. Colby brings me a lot of joy now and I'm glad I healed so that I could enjoy him. Adoption is life changing, and it has many emotional ramifications for those who place. I hope both you and your daughter heal so that you can fully enjoy that beautiful baby that she brought into this world. Don't let the other side of the triad scare you from the forum. The people on here seem to be very open minded and accepting of the pain/thoughts/ideas that those who have placed have. Those who aren't don't normally stick around (probably because Abrazo doesn't accept them as PIWs.) We all can learn a lot from each other. Thank you for coming and sharing your story!

I've wondered that too. I always assumed that some couples who are hoping to adopt keep themselves at a distance until placement, since until then they don't know for sure that that baby will really be their baby. Doing so might keep them emotionally safer from the hurt that would accompany a change in placement plans. I think a couple that has kept their distance would have an easier time rejecting placement for no other reason than they don't want to deal with the problems that could be associated with a special needs child. But just not wanting to deal with it is one thing. I also think money and time has to be a factor. I know that if Karina were to be born special needs I would want to enroll her in quality programs for someone with her needs. I'd want to be sure she'd receive excellent medical care. I'd want to be able to be home with her any time she needed me. For someone with special needs this could be much more costly and time consuming than parenting a healthy child. So i can see why a couple might turn down a special needs baby, but if a couple has the resources to care for a special needs baby and they turn them down just because they don't want to deal with it, well then that's going to be between them and God.

I always refer to Colby as my son, and Angie as his Mom and Wade as his Dad. Like when they visited at our baby shower I'd point Colby out and "Thats my son" and I'd point Angie out "Thats his Mom." Even when its people I don't know extremely well. Like I'd really wanted to name this baby Bri, I love that name, but I was explaining to someone that I'd feel silly when Colby was visiting and I'd be introducing my kids, Colby and Bri, but that I didn't name both of them, Colby's Mom suggested his name. People will either just accept quietly that I've referred to my son and his Mom (which isn't often) or ask why Colby lives with a different Mom. Its always people I know that I share that part of myself with but it doesn't have to be people I know well, just people I constantly interact with, like our Vet, and my swim class teacher. I've felt it was only proper to refer to Angie and Wade as Colby's parents, simply because they are. And thats exactly why I refer to Colby as my son, because he is. Adoption has merged our families in a way that isn't the standard, but we all understand it and it works for us.

Questions to ask yourself before developing an adoption plan 1. Do I want to keep and raise my child? 2. What is/are the reason(s) I am considering adoption? 3. Am I aware of the help/assistance that is available to help me during my pregnancy and to help me raise my child? Have I explored all the sources of help available to me? 4. Do I have supportive family members who want to help me raise my child? Have I asked my family members to help me? 5. If not, do you need someone to help you/guide you through the process to find assistance, mentoring, support emotionally, financially and physically? Have you looked for someone to fill this need? 6. If you choose adoption, are you familiar with the research of the long-term effects on both you and your child? 7. Do you understand the difference between a closed adoption and an open adoption? 8. Do you have legal representation from an attorney independent of the potential adopters and the agency? 9. Have you had professional counseling, from a professional independent of the adoption agency or prospective adopters, who understands the world of adoption, during the decision making process ? 10. How would you feel not knowing anything about your child or their well-being? 11. There are no “perfect” parents. How would you feel knowing that the adoptive parents might raise your child in a manner that you would disapprove of, and you would be powerless to do anything about it? 12. How would you feel if you never have any other children? 13. If you surrender you child, you will feel tremendous grief, anger, and loneliness. How will that affect you? How will you deal with it? 14. If you're considering an open adoption, what is your legal recourse if the adoptive parents break the agreement? 15. How are the hormones of pregnancy affecting your ability to make the decision that will affect you and your child for the rest of your lives? 16. How will you feel if you never find your child, or if she/he never wants to meet you when she/he grows up? 17. If you surrender your child for adoption, your child may feel grief and loss over being separated from you, and may feel that you abandoned him/her. How do I feel about that? What can you do about about it? 18. How would you feel if my child needed family medical information and you were unable to get it to him/her? Is there anything that could be detrimental that your child would not know if adopted? 19. Financial problems are likely temporary. In a few years, when you have a stable job and good home, how will you handle knowing that you've permanently surrendered rights to your child? 20. How will you tell family and friends that you surrendered your child to adoption? 21. If you surrender your first child to adoption how might it affect your relationship with future children you might have? 22. Would you seek a reunion after being separated by adoption from your child? How would you go about this? Basically from http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=71869

I wasn't closed to the idea of a childless couple, but I realized I wanted a family that had "been there" once I started looking at the profiles. It helped me to see how Angie and Wade parented their older boys, and to know that they already had kids that were turning out fine. I know that not all parents considering placing feel that way, it always seemed to me like most of the other women wanted to give someone the chance to be a first time parent or wanted the exclusive attention of being an only child (however temporary) for their baby. I always assumed it was just one of those preferences that people have, but it would be really neat to know if that does link to something. I wonder if there are any kind of polls or studies about this.